jj2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Yeah but a lot of times "wifey" also breaks her marriage vows when she opts to stop loving her man in bed. Feeling no affection or sexual desire from your partner is also upsetting. Just an excuse. It still does not make it right. Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Sarme what happened to the nice girl who wrote this? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=89780 Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I REFUSE to ever be a BS. OMG!! I spewed my soda on that one! Good luck with that! It's not like BS's choose the hand they were dealt! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 nevermind I found out what happened to that sweet girl. She got taken in by a married man. He never left did he? He's not divorced is he? you are not living your happy ever after like you dream. I'm sorry he did this to you. I honestly am. He really took you for a ride. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1336001&postcount=68 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 It comes from all his friends and family, his own sister told me they were missmatched and her parents did not see their future but of course they did not want to meddle. Look I don't have to prove anything else to any of you, my guy was married and now he is divorced and we are doing our best to make our relationship as good as we can, and we are super attracted to one another and intensely in love. that's all that matters to me, time will tell how things turn out. Seriously your bout of confidence or lack there of is irrelevant to me, the person I needed to come through for me did, so my experience is my gospel. Well, I can tell you that if I had a bad marriage, then my family and friends would probably hear mostly my side. And if my parents felt from the beginning that we were mismatched, then I doubt that they would give my ex wife's story much credibility. I am not sure how old you are or what your life experiences are, but I am giving you a perspective of a MM who has stayed committed in a marriage when it was bad so that I can now realize a better one. And the time my marriage was bad, I could easily have told a story that would have convinced some young lady to become a girlfriend. Or I could have chosen to fix my marriage. Or I could have divorced my wife BEFORE choosing another woman to date. I chose to fix my marriage. While I see that my opinion matters more than you care to admit , it is not based on arrogance or insecurity. It is based on years of being here, helping other couples in trouble, and dealing with marital struggles of my own. And believe it or not, I do hope everything works out for you, but I am concerned that you have entered into this relationship a little bit naively. Marriage is a big deal, and breaking a commitment through an affair is not a small matter. Infidelity is what it is...no matter the circumstances which led to it. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Good luck, because in marriage you won't get far with a zero tolerance attitude. Marriage requires compromise, and your BF has already shown that he's capable of being unfaithful. I'm sure he was head over heels in love with his wife when he married her. If he wasn't he's a fool. IO I think you are one smart lady. My xMM used to tell me he NEVER had feelings for his wife, that he married her b/c he felt sorry for her and wanted to "do the right thing." He said he broke off their engagement but then "felt bad" and got back together with her and got married but his "heart wasn't in it." He said he spent their honeymoon playing basketball and surfing with the island locals instead of with her. 16 years later, he decides *I'm* the real love of his life because he's never been in love with his wife or "anyone else." Uh huh. Looking back, I KNOW he had SOME feelings for her, or why get married? And you're right, if he had NONE, he's a fool, and I was foolish for being with someone like that. I think I was temporarily insane and morally bankrupt. Thank you for helping me see the light then and continuing to indirectly reassure me with your posts (not even aimed at me lol) that I did the right thing. I think I should pay you because you and others on here have been like my personal therapists for free. ;-p PS I always like what you say about marriage and hope to be able to put all the advice into practice one day. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Thanks Nadia, I really appreciate your comments! Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 nevermind I found out what happened to that sweet girl. She got taken in by a married man. He never left did he? He's not divorced is he? you are not living your happy ever after like you dream. I'm sorry he did this to you. I honestly am. He really took you for a ride. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1336001&postcount=68 Of course he left, in September of this year we were not talking and I was ready to walk away from him because they were stalling the divorce, he filled in October. When I wrote that he and I were not talking and I really thought we were through since he was not filing, but then it happened. No one took me for a ride, but nice try on the detective work. As IF I would post a whole fake story knowing that I have tons of back posts to go on...GEES!! :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Well, I can tell you that if I had a bad marriage, then my family and friends would probably hear mostly my side. And if my parents felt from the beginning that we were mismatched, then I doubt that they would give my ex wife's story much credibility. . Yeah I know of course, you will always find something to justify your stance and completely dismiss my facts. I don't have to prove anything to you, his family thought they were mismatched on their own merrit and like many parents siblings they just want their child to be happy even if it means accepting something that doesn't seem right from the outside. So it's not going to change a thing, we are together and things happened as they did and the way in which you choose to live your life does not affect my reality at all so what's the point? Have a nice life whichever way you choose to do that and I will do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 OMG!! I spewed my soda on that one! Good luck with that! It's not like BS's choose the hand they were dealt! Obviously you didn't understand what I meant by that comment, if you did you would see it's really not all that amusing. if my husband or boyfriend cheats on me I am out of there, so I refuse to be a betrayed spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Obviously you didn't understand what I meant by that comment, if you did you would see it's really not all that amusing. if my husband or boyfriend cheats on me I am out of there, so I refuse to be a betrayed spouse. Obviously you don't understand what a betrayed spouse means. If you are married and your H cheats on you, it doesn't matter if you leave or not, you will still be a BS. I found it such a ridiculous comment and thanks for the laugh! The only way I can think of that you could "refuse" to be a BS is to be a mind reader and know exactly when your H was fixing to cheat and leave before, or your H comes to you and says, "hey, I'm fixing to go out and cheat on you" and you say, "oh well, then I am leaving!" So like I said good luck with that! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Yeah I know of course, you will always find something to justify your stance and completely dismiss my facts. I don't have to prove anything to you, his family thought they were mismatched on their own merrit and like many parents siblings they just want their child to be happy even if it means accepting something that doesn't seem right from the outside. So it's not going to change a thing, we are together and things happened as they did and the way in which you choose to live your life does not affect my reality at all so what's the point? Have a nice life whichever way you choose to do that and I will do the same. The facts? I thought I repeated the facts. Oh well, you are right. Reading back on all of your posts...you do want to justify your relationship, and that is fine. I guess I was just giving another MM's perspective on it. I would not even attempt to change your life. Your perception is your reality...this is always true. But this never determines the true reality. As is the case for me. I hope I have a nice life, too, but my choices...as do yours for your life...determine if I have a nice life. Uh huh. Looking back, I KNOW he had SOME feelings for her, or why get married? And you're right, if he had NONE, he's a fool, and I was foolish for being with someone like that. I think I was temporarily insane and morally bankrupt. Thank you for helping me see the light then and continuing to indirectly reassure me with your posts (not even aimed at me lol) that I did the right thing. I think I should pay you because you and others on here have been like my personal therapists for free. ;-p PS I always like what you say about marriage and hope to be able to put all the advice into practice one day. Nadia, I know this was not directed at me, and I am not trying to take credit for this, and I agree..there are many times that the Impudent Oyster has good thoughts even if to some they come off as a little harsh. (Truth CAN be harsh when it is something we do not want to hear). But when I read your analysis, it looks like you have come to some of the realization yourself, too. Hopefully, you will stay around and share your experiences with those here who still are in such a relationship with a MM. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Obviously you don't understand what a betrayed spouse means. If you are married and your H cheats on you, it doesn't matter if you leave or not, you will still be a BS. I found it such a ridiculous comment and thanks for the laugh! NO you wont!! obviously you don't get what being a betrayed spouse is, a betrayed spouse is a person who stayes in a marriage with someone who betrayed them a person who moves on is nothing more than a person who was cheated on, they are no longer a betrayed spouse. if you still don't get it, I give up. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 NO you wont!! obviously you don't get what being a betrayed spouse is, a betrayed spouse is a person who stayes in a marriage with someone who betrayed them a person who moves on is nothing more than a person who was cheated on, they are no longer a betrayed spouse. if you still don't get it, I give up. Can someone help me here? It's like talking to a wall! Just think about it for a while honey , you'll get it! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Can someone help me here? It's like talking to a wall! Just think about it for a while honey , you'll get it! I would if it would make any difference. Being betrayed by someone has no bearing on choice. If I betrayed my wife, then she has been betrayed. Her choices are to stay and accept me with forgiveness or leave me and divorce me. However, her choices have no bearing on my deed of betrayal. She cannot choose to feel betrayed or choose to no longer be betrayed. She CAN choose how she reacts to my betrayal. I think sarme is stating how she would respond if her boyfriend betrayed her as he did his first wife. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 The facts? I thought I repeated the facts. Oh well, you are right. Reading back on all of your posts...you do want to justify your relationship, and that is fine. I guess I was just giving another MM's perspective on it. I would not even attempt to change your life. Yeah your facts. They are not my facts. Well good because you have no hope in hell to change my life so you are wise not to even attempt it. Though reading how insistent you are on all your posts directed at me I would beg to differ.... If I were trying to justify my situation it would imply that I am looking for your reassurance from you or anyone else to help me make a decision on my own life but in case you haven't noticed I have already made my decisions and I am living my life based on those choices. Get it? Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I would if it would make any difference. Being betrayed by someone has no bearing on choice. If I betrayed my wife, then she has been betrayed. Her choices are to stay and accept me with forgiveness or leave me and divorce me. However, her choices have no bearing on my deed of betrayal. She cannot choose to feel betrayed or choose to no longer be betrayed. She CAN choose how she reacts to my betrayal. I think sarme is stating how she would respond if her boyfriend betrayed her as he did his first wife. Thanks james but I know it is probably a lost cause:D Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 It's like talking to a wall! ! Well then stop talking to yourself and actually pay attention to what I am saying. You are arguing semantics, I already explained what I meant from my comment. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Can someone help me here? It's like talking to a wall! Just think about it for a while honey , you'll get it! Ok, if you've ever been married, and your partner cheats on you, you are a BS. You can get remarried and comment in a thread as a BS even if your new S has never cheated because you're speaking from that experience. Now, if she's speaking about her new H, she probably wouldn't refer to herself as a BS because that would give a false impression. Also, when a divorce has taken place as a result of infidelity, the partner who was cheated on will still be considered a BS. Technically, this is wrong because this individual is no longer a spouse at all. However, BS regardless of the person's status, is used as a conversational tool when speaking about these situations. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Can someone help me here? It's like talking to a wall! Just think about it for a while honey , you'll get it! Ummm. Spouse - someone who is married. Betrayed - to fail or desert (fail being the operative word), especially in time of need (Merriam-Webster's definition which fits this scenario). I think we can all agree on the meaning of "Spouse." And I would hope that we can agree that if a spouse cheats on his/her partner, they have "failed" them. Therefore, I feel it's safe to assume you don't have to agree to stay in your marriage after you've been cheated on to be a BS. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I think sarme is stating how she would respond if her boyfriend betrayed her as he did his first wife. Yes you got exactly what I meant. It's not that complicated really. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Ummm. Spouse - someone who is married. Betrayed - to fail or desert (fail being the operative word), especially in time of need (Merriam-Webster's definition which fits this scenario). I think we can all agree on the meaning of "Spouse." And I would hope that we can agree that if a spouse cheats on his/her partner, they have "failed" them. Therefore, I feel it's safe to assume you don't have to agree to stay in your marriage after you've been cheated on to be a BS. Thank you very much another person who gets it! Link to post Share on other sites
luvmy2ns Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Thank you very much another person who gets it! I was agreeing with the other person. Whether a spouse stays after being cheated on does not change the fact that they have been a BS. They can be a BS who left or a BS who stayed. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 anyway.... It appears everyone except for one person understood the concept of what I was getting at. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 I was agreeing with the other person. Whether a spouse stays after being cheated on does not change the fact that they have been a BS. They can be a BS who left or a BS who stayed. Ok then I misunderstood your post. At any rate who cares what labels each person wishes to adapt to. MY comment was that I refuse to be a BS meaning I refuse to remain in relationship after I was cheated on. If it was not understood then, there is no room for misunderstanding now. Let's move on shall we? Link to post Share on other sites
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