My Wife found out about me

[reboot]

Come to think of it -- I think Matty's xOW should get together with Stunned's xMM. It would be a match made in hell. They deserve each other.

You have a real evil streak OB.

[whichwayisup]

Just another OW trying to make herself feel better and important.

 

BA, in imstunned's defense, she's not the typical OW as her MM lied to her for 8 months and led her to believe he was single. Maybe go read her original thread(s), when she found out he was married, it ended. She's hurting badly as she was lied to and betrayed, just like the ExMM's wife was.

[BestAdvisor1]

BA, in imstunned's defense, she's not the typical OW as her MM lied to her for 8 months and led her to believe he was single. Maybe go read her original thread(s), when she found out he was married, it ended. She's hurting badly as she was lied to and betrayed, just like the ExMM's wife was.

 

I am aware of her situation. But the fact remained that she did not end all contact with him and still desires him.

[spinningwheels]

BestAdvisor---

 

When someone is in a relationship---and finds out their partner is a liar---you DO NOT turn off feelings like a lightswitch! Yes--she found out he was married!!! Yes--the relationship ended---YES--She still desires him!! She knows in her mind that he is a liar, but--it does take some time to catch up with her heart! Give her a break! When a husband/wife finds out her partner is cheating, they don't stop loving them.....they may work on ending their feelings---but it is not an instant action.

 

This is not to say that Matty is right or wrong.....but to say lay off of IMSTUNNED...

[BestAdvisor1]

I believe that sometimes, you can't control your feelings/emotions, but you CAN control your actions.

[imstunned]

Give me a break.

 

Matty - I'm sorry if my post and my opinions have been anything less than helpful. Not my intention.

 

And this is to best adviser - you think I feel better and important ??? WHat planet are you on????

 

I am no longer in contact with my ex. yes I still do desire him, miss him, hell - even want him. Dons that make me a bad person?? Is that wrong?? I hardly think so. After an 8 month relationship I'm supposed to just flip my feeling off like a switch. By the time I discovered he was married I had fallen in love. THE ONLY PERSON THAT WAS IN THE WRONG WAS HIM.

 

Why do I need to make myself feel better????? - just in case you didnt get it the first time - I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED.

 

Seeing as my opinions are so different from everyone elses on this I wont post again.

[OpenBook]

Give me a break.

 

Matty - I'm sorry if my post and my opinions have been anything less than helpful. Not my intention.

 

And this is to best adviser - you think I feel better and important ??? WHat planet are you on????

 

I am no longer in contact with my ex. yes I still do desire him, miss him, hell - even want him. Dons that make me a bad person?? Is that wrong?? I hardly think so. After an 8 month relationship I'm supposed to just flip my feeling off like a switch. By the time I discovered he was married I had fallen in love. THE ONLY PERSON THAT WAS IN THE WRONG WAS HIM.

 

Why do I need to make myself feel better????? - just in case you didnt get it the first time - I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED.

 

Seeing as my opinions are so different from everyone elses on this I wont post again.

 

COURAGE My Girl!! Don't allow people like bestadvisor (or whichever iteration he happens to be using at the moment!) intimidate you by claiming they have any authority whatsoever to define who you are. First of all, they have no freaking clue. Secondly, it's not their call. Who you are is beautifully shining through in your above post anyway. And it's so refreshing to see! You're coming out of the woods. You keep on posting Girlfriend!!

[mattym]

Give me a break.

 

Matty - I'm sorry if my post and my opinions have been anything less than helpful. Not my intention.

 

And this is to best adviser - you think I feel better and important ??? WHat planet are you on????

 

I am no longer in contact with my ex. yes I still do desire him, miss him, hell - even want him. Dons that make me a bad person?? Is that wrong?? I hardly think so. After an 8 month relationship I'm supposed to just flip my feeling off like a switch. By the time I discovered he was married I had fallen in love. THE ONLY PERSON THAT WAS IN THE WRONG WAS HIM.

 

Why do I need to make myself feel better????? - just in case you didnt get it the first time - I DIDNT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED.

 

Seeing as my opinions are so different from everyone elses on this I wont post again.

 

Don't worry - I've gained so much strength reading all the posts here. I don't know your situation, but I know how it feels to love someone and not be with them

 

Even now, despite all the bad stuff that has passed between us, I think if I were to call my now ex-OW and say ' Ok, I've left my wife, we can be together now' she'd go for it

 

It's weird - I miss her, I miss the excitement and interaction with her, and I know all I have to do to be with her again is leave my Wife and Kids.

 

I miss her, yet I won't do that. Why? Because I love my wife and m family. Not in a 'my god i must get you into bed right now' way, which is how it was with OW, but in so many other more solid, but I guess less exciting ways

 

My wife loves me, and wants to be with me. I can trust her 100%. She has never lied to me. She can make me laugh. She has built a fantastic home here for us all, and given me the blessing of a son and daughter who I would happily trade my life for if it meant they'd be ok

 

The OW sent me a text this morning saying she loves my children (shes never met them), and that things will never work out for us because I won't leave my wife. I replied ( I shouldnt have but I was angry) saying that even if I'd left my wife she'd always have been around in some way because we have kids together and a commitment together. (does she think my W will just vanish off the planet?)

I then said that kids means you cant just please yourself as she does, go partying & getting drunk every weekend etc etc'

 

Get this- she then rang my phone. I ignored it and she left the following voice msg:

 

"Hi, it's me. What the f*ck is your problem? I'm sorry that I go out, that you think you're the only person in the world I have to think about. Well unfortunately you're not, I have lots to do & lots of commitments right up until Christmas, every day and in the evening. I'm sick of your sarcasm towards me. Sorry if I've hurt your feelings, and maybe it would be nice sometime to meet up but I'm so busy I can't guarantee anything"

 

With the more distance and time there is between us I can see now that OW's 'full-on' approach of lots of sex and fantasies about our cosy little life as one big happy family, with her giving birth to some more kids and all of living like the Waltons was just that- a fantasy

 

What I have at home is real, and I don't need to tread on eggshells to have my wife's attention, like I had to do with OW ( she is very moody)

 

The more I think about it, I have a wife and children who love me. When I look around and see and read about so many fractured families I realise what a special thing that is to have in the world. It's not exciting in the same way as a passionate affair, and the 'kicking the habit' bit is the thing I struggle with....

 

Matt

[imstunned]

Sounds like you are doing just fine Matty. Your post right there seemed to say that you relaise exactly what you have & what you dont want to loose. Also your focus seems to be shifting from what OW thinks etc back on to your family. Your OW does sound a little bit weird - maybe she is just trying to get at you by telling you how busy she is!

 

You have Christmas comming up. Focus on that and your family.

x

[reboot]

Matt, that was such an awesome post. I think you're going to be ok after all. I was starting to doubt you. People throw out the phrase "man up" a lot, you're doing so and then some.

[mattym]

Sounds like you are doing just fine Matty. Your post right there seemed to say that you relaise exactly what you have & what you dont want to loose. Also your focus seems to be shifting from what OW thinks etc back on to your family. Your OW does sound a little bit weird - maybe she is just trying to get at you by telling you how busy she is!

 

You have Christmas comming up. Focus on that and your family.

x

 

Thanks, I appreciate it

 

You're right, my focus is now changing back to my family But I'm not sure it ever went away. On my old thread I said back in August that I always told myself driving home from OWs even when things were at their best that I would not leave my family. Is that a man who has found his 'true love' in an OW, or just a man having his cake and eating it? I think it's the 2nd - if I'd really loved her I'd have left my wife and gone to her

 

Yes I miss her, but as many here have said, I think I miss how great she made me feel. life now seems focussed again on hard work, and I guess thats what raising a family is - damn hard work. Nothing prepares you for it, there are fantastic rewards but nothing that comes easily

 

I think OW is protecting herself - she knows its over and is keeping busy so that she can move on. I dont begrudge her that, thats what she should be doing. I shouldnt be entertaining her contact though, I know that and thats where I am failing at the moment

 

I'm trying to focus on positives - 2 months ago i couldnt go a few hours without her. Now I think of her, but I'm not yearning to be beside her. I guess thats partly because what made me want her ( the passion etc) has now gone. Again, I know that isnt based on true love

 

I'm sure she is very busy - she has some weird friendships ( ex-Bfs etc) - but as WWIU said, i shouldnt concern myself with it anymore.

 

If i can only stick to my own thoughts as above I'll be ok...it's not eas though...

[mattym]

Matt, that was such an awesome post. I think you're going to be ok after all. I was starting to doubt you. People throw out the phrase "man up" a lot, you're doing so and then some.

 

Thanks reboot . I wish I could feel that confident, but I'm still in contact with her, and I shouldn't be. If I'm honest it's partly because I dont want her seeking vengeance on me through work and making everything public knowledge so I'm trying to keep it polite.

 

Maybe she'll meet a guy at one of her 1000 parties she's going to while she's 'sooo busy' before Xmas, hook up with him and forget about me. I'm wondering then if she'll be telling him she still texts me as a friend, another ex-BF to make the current one come running?

 

I feel bad though because I am no innocent in this.

 

I lied, I told her we'd be together and i didn't mean it. I told her I didn't want to be with my wife and i did. just to get sex and attention, so I have my part to play and I guess some bad karma debt to pay back

[mattym]

I think I will keep her voice msg on the phone - she's really p*ssed off on it and makes lovely use of profanity - I will play that in my weaker moments as it helps me to think 'Christ that was a lucky escape'!

[BestAdvisor1]

I'm sick of your sarcasm towards me. Sorry if I've hurt your feelings, and maybe it would be nice sometime to meet up but I'm so busy I can't guarantee anything"

 

Translation, I can have you any time I want to.

 

She clearly thinks that you love her more than you love your wife (kids aside) and sadly, she might be right.

[reboot]

She clearly thinks that you love her more than you love your wife (kids aside) and sadly, she might be right.

I would have agreed with you once, but I don't think I do anymore. Matty's eyes are wide open now. He still has a long road ahead, but he's finally seeing things clearly.

[mattym]

Translation, I can have you any time I want to.

 

She clearly thinks that you love her more than you love your wife (kids aside) and sadly, she might be right.

 

My thinking is cloudy but I've made up my mind as I said. I have weak times unfortunately but thats' one reason I come back here

 

I'm not out of the woods, I know that. Not by a long shot. But..I am trying my best

[BestAdvisor1]

I would have agreed with you once, but I don't think I do anymore. Matty's eyes are wide open now. He still has a long road ahead, but he's finally seeing things clearly.

 

I didn't say she's definately right, but she "might" be right.

 

Matty said:

 

I replied ( I shouldnt have but I was angry) saying that even if I'd left my wife she'd always have been around in some way because we have kids together and a commitment together. I then said that kids means you cant just please yourself as she does, go partying & getting drunk every weekend etc etc'

 

Translation, the only reason I am staying with my wife is because of the kids. Does Matty really mean what he said, I'm not sure, but what's clear is that is how he conveyed the message to the OW, which implies, "I love you more than my wife (with the kids aside)."

[Tomcat33]

My thinking is cloudy but I've made up my mind as I said. I have weak times unfortunately but thats' one reason I come back here

 

I'm not out of the woods, I know that. Not by a long shot. But..I am trying my best

 

 

Gees Matt having your mind made up and knowing you want to stay with the woman you love, trying your best is still staying in contact with the OW? If that's trying your best I would hate to see what you mediocre efforts would be.

 

Do you honestly believe you stay in contact with her for fear that she might seek revenge? HELLO the more you stay in contact with her the more amunition she has to use against you!!

 

How could you do this to the woman you love and say to respect, how could you stay in contact with this OW after you swore you wanted nothing more with her to your W.

 

C'mon Matt this is half azzed and you know it, if you are done with one life and ready to recover another then do it. Cut all ties once and for all and recover your loss properly and stop being so self centered.

 

Am I the only to see what he is doing here? Matt as long as you keep this OW in the background and you keep justifying to yourself the reasons she is still there you will never EVER break out of the destructive cycle you are in. You aren't ready to recover what you lost, you want to make things better with your right hand and with your left hand you want to make sure your fun and excitement stays there for that rainy day nice and put.

 

I honestly don't see what is so great about what you are doing. I really don't.

 

What you are doing it NOT good enough, and I can appreciate it takes a lot of effort and you are in a fog and think you still love the OW and all the excuses in the book but you either do it right or you don't do it at all. You are making a big mess again and you need to realise this even if it is the hard way.

[Tomcat33]

Thanks reboot . I wish I could feel that confident, but I'm still in contact with her, and I shouldn't be. If I'm honest it's partly because I dont want her seeking vengeance on me through work and making everything public knowledge so I'm trying to keep it polite.

 

Maybe she'll meet a guy at one of her 1000 parties she's going to while she's 'sooo busy' before Xmas, hook up with him and forget about me. I'm wondering then if she'll be telling him she still texts me as a friend, another ex-BF to make the current one come running?

 

I feel bad though because I am no innocent in this.

 

I lied, I told her we'd be together and i didn't mean it. I told her I didn't want to be with my wife and i did. just to get sex and attention, so I have my part to play and I guess some bad karma debt to pay back

 

 

She won't meet a guy at her 1000 parties because she is still emotionally tied to you, and you know this very well. You also know that as long as she is pining for your she gives you that added injection of excitement you so need to make your current life PERFECT. You have the love of a woman who is decent, who is a good mother and a good caring friend and wife to you but there is no "I wanna grag you by your hair and take you to the bedroom" action going on, so here is this OW who is lost for you, in her own twisted and unhealthy way she is completely lost for you and THAT my friend is the missing little peice of your perfect life.

 

You don't keep her around because you are afraid of what she might do you keep her around because you NEED to have her around. So let's me honest here shall we? Seeing as you cannot be honest in your real life let's at least be honest here.

[norajane]

I think I will keep her voice msg on the phone - she's really p*ssed off on it and makes lovely use of profanity - I will play that in my weaker moments as it helps me to think 'Christ that was a lucky escape'!

 

Um, no. Don't do this. Having her voice stored on your phone to listen to is CONTACT. You have to cut off all contact! If you hadn't been talking with her this week, you wouldn't have all these new things that focus your attention on her, and keep it focused for longer than you would otherwise.

 

Now you're thinking about her parties and what she's doing on Christmas... IF you had not been talking with her, if you had deleted her text without reading it, if you had not replied to her text, if you had deleted her voice mail without listening, you'd have nothing more to dwell on.

 

And maybe your wife is not the type that checks up on you to make sure you're no longer in contact with the OW, but just imagine if she heard this vm, out of context:

"Hi, it's me. What the f*ck is your problem? I'm sorry that I go out, that you think you're the only person in the world I have to think about. Well unfortunately you're not, I have lots to do & lots of commitments right up until Christmas, every day and in the evening. I'm sick of your sarcasm towards me. Sorry if I've hurt your feelings, and maybe it would be nice sometime to meet up but I'm so busy I can't guarantee anything"

That vm makes it sound like you've been chasing the OW and she's mad that you expect her to be around for you - that's how your wife will interpret it.

 

DELETE the vm, block her from texting and calling your cell phone. If you can't block, delete all texts and vm's without listening to them.

[Tomcat33]

"Hi, it's me. What the f*ck is your problem? I'm sorry that I go out, that you think you're the only person in the world I have to think about. Well unfortunately you're not, I have lots to do & lots of commitments right up until Christmas, every day and in the evening. I'm sick of your sarcasm towards me. Sorry if I've hurt your feelings, and maybe it would be nice sometime to meet up but I'm so busy I can't guarantee anything"

 

 

NJ: Of course this sounds like he is chasing after her BECAUSE HE IS.

 

You don't even have to read between the lines you just have to read the contradiction in posts here to see what's what.

I see confusion yes, I see a lot of confusion but I also a lot of non-conviction of actions I see a man that is going through motions and writing what he has to to please the public, or his conscience/guilt but who is doing the opposite in actions and is not advancing at all in his decisions he has just found a new way to carry both situations that in his head is probably less harmfull to all but still fufilling to his selfish needs.

 

Rejigging the situation is not the answer, it is changing it all together, something matt is clearly NOT prepared to do.

[Tomcat33]

DELETE the vm, block her from texting and calling your cell phone. If you can't block, delete all texts and vm's without listening to them.

 

 

HE's not going to do that, he will never do that. He is not prepared and probably never will be prepared to cut her out completely. He has shown no sign of that thus far and it won't change with time. A person who is convinced he did something wrong and wants to rectify and redeem himself takes every step possible to vindicate his actions, that's not the case here, it is just too easy for him to have a double life and he has no reason at all to end it.

[mattym]

She won't meet a guy at her 1000 parties because she is still emotionally tied to you, and you know this very well. You also know that as long as she is pining for your she gives you that added injection of excitement you so need to make your current life PERFECT. You have the love of a woman who is decent, who is a good mother and a good caring friend and wife to you but there is no "I wanna grag you by your hair and take you to the bedroom" action going on, so here is this OW who is lost for you, in her own twisted and unhealthy way she is completely lost for you and THAT my friend is the missing little peice of your perfect life.

 

You don't keep her around because you are afraid of what she might do you keep her around because you NEED to have her around. So let's me honest here shall we? Seeing as you cannot be honest in your real life let's at least be honest here.

 

I think I have been honest here. I've said I miss her, I think about her every day

 

All things being equal, when this whole thing happened, if I'd been married unhappily, or married with no kids, maybe i would have left my W and tried life out with OW. But reality is not like that. Life isn't all about me

 

I wasn't unhappy before all this, maybe tired and stale, but not unhappy. If I'd never met OW I'd have never contemplated leaving my W. When it started I told myself it would be a date and nothing more, then it all escalated and I got emotionally hooked on her. life with her was excitement, and that's what I've found so hard

 

When i speak to OW, its not exciting anymore. Its painful. I remember the goood times (and there were plenty) and I have nostalgia, but I know what i have done is the right thing for me, for her, and for my wife & kids

 

I'd loved to have flipped a switch and eradicated her from my thoughts, but its not been that easy. how can it be?

 

I recall you saying in your own situation there was a lot of swinging between contact & NC. Emotions are difficult things to master

 

You are right, part of me does NEED her. But i will never move on with her there, I know that - and thats the tough part

[Tomcat33]

I think I have been honest here. I've said I miss her, I think about her every day

 

All things being equal, when this whole thing happened, if I'd been married unhappily, or married with no kids, maybe i would have left my W and tried life out with OW. But reality is not like that. Life isn't all about me

 

I wasn't unhappy before all this, maybe tired and stale, but not unhappy. If I'd never met OW I'd have never contemplated leaving my W. When it started I told myself it would be a date and nothing more, then it all escalated and I got emotionally hooked on her. life with her was excitement, and that's what I've found so hard

 

When i speak to OW, its not exciting anymore. Its painful. I remember the goood times (and there were plenty) and I have nostalgia, but I know what i have done is the right thing for me, for her, and for my wife & kids

 

I'd loved to have flipped a switch and eradicated her from my thoughts, but its not been that easy. how can it be?

 

I recall you saying in your own situation there was a lot of swinging between contact & NC. Emotions are difficult things to master

 

 

Yes you're right in my situation there was a lot of contact and NC on HIS part and guess what he is divorcing now he no longer wants to be with his W or in that marriage that is why he never broke contact with me. I did break contact with him (stuck to NC that is) and got over him. In his mind he still wanted to see if we could have a future because he knew he wanted out of the marriage. It's not the case in your situation so I don't understand why you are staying in contact?

 

If you are having difficulty letting go of emtions then why are you making it worse for yourself and keeping the emtions alive by staying in touch with her? can you please answer that?

 

And I am not suggesting you flick a switch on your emotions because you simply cannot, but you can help those emotions subside if you do cut all contact. I don't udnerstand why you would do it otherwise?

 

At least you are aware of what you are doing...

[mattym]

Yes you're right in my situation there was a lot of contact and NC on HIS part and guess what he is divorcing now he no longer wants to be with his W or in that marriage that is why he never broke contact with me. I did break contact with him (stuck to NC that is) and got over him. In his mind he still wanted to see if we could have a future because he knew he wanted out of the marriage. It's not the case in your situation so I don't understand why you are staying in contact?

 

If you are having difficulty letting go of emtions then why are you making it worse for yourself and keeping the emtions alive by staying in touch with her? can you please answer that?

 

And I am not suggesting you flick a switch on your emotions because you simply cannot, but you can help those emotions subside if you do cut all contact. I don't udnerstand why you would do it otherwise?

 

At least you are aware of what you are doing...

 

I am having difficulty letting go, you are right. this is the hardest thing I ever had to do

 

My marriage prior to the A was not an unhappy one, just damn hard work and as I've said before my W and I were just 'mum and dad' - guess thats where the rot set in

 

I suppose, like all people with young families, sometimes it feels such a tough job that at times I thought 'I'm not cut out for this' and ' I wish someone else would take over' - sad to admit that but its how I felt sometimes. As i say though there was nothing intrinsically 'wrong' with my marriage or R to my W

 

The A was my daily injection on 'You're wonderful'

 

That maybe makes me pathetic but thats how it made me feel

 

I honestly had started to feel diminshing feelings, then OW phoned the other day as i wrote about & I crumbled...