My Wife found out about me

[norajane]

I honestly had started to feel diminshing feelings, then OW phoned the other day as i wrote about & I crumbled...

 

So do you understand now why you have to maintain strict NO CONTACT with her? Why you have to delete her messages without listening to them, and why you have to delete her texts without reading them? Why you should never answer your cell when she calls? Why you need to get off the phone immediately if she calls you at work?

 

Can you, and will you, commit to NO contact?

[whichwayisup]

I think I will keep her voice msg on the phone - she's really p*ssed off on it and makes lovely use of profanity - I will play that in my weaker moments as it helps me to think 'Christ that was a lucky escape'!

 

No, delete it. NC is NC and that means not keeping messages, even ones like those. Do you think your wife wants to know that you can hear the exOW's voice message anytime you'd like?? I think not. DELETE IT and stop engaging with the exOW COMPLETELY.

 

Block her from your phone. Is it the cell or your home number? Have you considered that maybe it's time to change your cell number? It's obvious that you aren't doing the calling, yet when she calls you, you cannot help yourself, so you need to do more work here. Block her email address too if you haven't done that already.

[Triarge]

Mattym...

 

I miss her, yet I won't do that. Why? Because I love my wife and m family. Not in a 'my god i must get you into bed right now' way, which is how it was with OW, but in so many other more solid, but I guess less exciting ways

 

This is something you can have and absolutely must have again with your wife. You will have had it for her in the past and it can be reclaimed again with a little effort. There is nothing that this OW provided that your wife cant. Your still in danger if you think that your sacrificing having those feelings.

 

Falling back in love with your wife should be your main priority here. You 'can' lust after your wife and it shouldnt be any other way. I still get the sense that you feel you got the consolation prize. That your happy to make do without it in order to do the right thing.

 

You need to be gaining here not loosing. Many, many couples survive an affair and come out 'more' in love than before. Thats the prize you need to set your sights on. Thats the win, win situation.

 

Keep your focus on your wife. Watch her. Admire her. Fill your heart and your life with your wife and there wont be any room left for the OW. It works exactly like it worked the other way round; when your OW pushed your wife out of your mind.

[cj1988]

Hello Matty, you know me an my situation.....BECAUSE my H could not get past his resentment and or FOG, I am NOW ready to leave him, not the other way around is that what you want? If you do not throw yourself into your M and make it all about your W, she may wake up as well and leave you and then you will NOT have a choice at all. You may think she does not know you still have feelings for the OW, but you cannot hide it ! She knows.....please take care of your M, STOP talking to the OW (she sounds like an immature little brat to me) before it is too late and you loose it all !

 

I have told my H that I need a break, he told me NO, if you do that we are over, I said fine your choice I am not asking your permission for ME to do what I need at this point.....he waited too late now....do you see what I mean? You know how much I love him Matt....but I love myself more and I will LEAVE him if necessary to SURVIVE......So, please stop talking to her NOW....you have an awesome W, much better than the OW......you know that.....take her and go to a hotel room and make love to her the way you use to when you met.....tell her how you feel when you are with and how much you love her and how luck you are to have her.....she will do the same and there you go.....all the excitement and " i am worderful" will be right there where it should be, with the woman you REALLY love, your W.....

[BestAdvisor1]

Matty, did you break NC?

[cj1988]

Did you Matty? We are all here to help you and you know that !

[NoIDidn't]

I am having difficulty letting go, you are right. this is the hardest thing I ever had to do

 

My marriage prior to the A was not an unhappy one, just damn hard work and as I've said before my W and I were just 'mum and dad' - guess thats where the rot set in

 

I suppose, like all people with young families, sometimes it feels such a tough job that at times I thought 'I'm not cut out for this' and ' I wish someone else would take over' - sad to admit that but its how I felt sometimes. As i say though there was nothing intrinsically 'wrong' with my marriage or R to my W

 

The A was my daily injection on 'You're wonderful'

 

That maybe makes me pathetic but thats how it made me feel

 

I honestly had started to feel diminshing feelings, then OW phoned the other day as i wrote about & I crumbled...

 

This is a little off-topic, but I wanted to say this here.

 

Raising kids within a R IS hard. For all the work that you do, you rarely ever get a "thank you" from your kids when they are really young.

 

I understand what you are feeling. Understand too though, that your W is also looking for someone to tell her and show her that she too is wonderful. That is why the betrayal hurts so much when you have young kids. You are both not getting from the kids what you put into them.

 

Please do something for your W without your kids to help you take your focus off the OW. You will never forget the OW, so its pointless to even try. But one day, she will be a distant memory put away in a box you take out to remember some of your more egregious mistakes.

 

One day at a time, Matt. One day at a time.

[whichwayisup]

Geez BA, why do you keep asking him if HE broke NC. The last two times NC was broken, the ex-OW was the one who contacted him first.

 

Why not ask him, Is the ex-OW contacting you? If she has, I hope you are ignoring her and not engaging in any type of conversation.

[BestAdvisor1]

Everytime Matty dissappeared for a few days, he comes back with bad news including breaking NC or sometimes even worse. Since he hasn't been responding, I guess it's no good news.

[whichwayisup]

Or maybe he's just keeping busy and doing the Xmas shopping, spending time with his wife and kids, extended family. Who knows, but I think always assuming the worst here isn't going to help him. Last two times SHE was the one who broke NC, and in his most recent posts he seemed quite clear that he wasn't going to contact the OW, let alone engage her in any type of conversation.

[norajane]

in his most recent posts he seemed quite clear that he wasn't going to contact the OW, let alone engage her in any type of conversation.

 

Actually, he never said any such thing. I re-read his posts from the last few pages, and he ignored every comment suggesting that he block her from calling, and delete any and all voice mails and texts she might send without reading them. He ignored a suggestion that he change his cell phone number.

 

He never said he wasn't going to contact her, he never said he wouldn't engage in a conversation with her. The closest he came to that is saying that he fails at NC.

 

That he cannot say he will stick to NC, even here, and ignores all suggestions that would aid him in that effort, really shows that he is not committed to that. He needs to make that commitment, that promise to himself, or else he's not likely to follow through.

[Triarge]

I'm inclined to agree with Michael and the other positive posts above.

 

I personally tend to come here more when things are going badly rather than when they are running smooth. I'm assuming that Mattym's situation could possibly be the same.

 

I wish him (and and all of you) a nice happy christmas with his family.

[bestadvisor]

I would be very surprised if No Contact has not been broken again.

[Triarge]

It could be either way...

 

I cant speak for Mattym. I can only give my own account of my own situation, and since they are very similar,it might cast some perspective.

 

Its a year since D-day for me (almost). Whilst it wasnt a clean break untill about 3 months ago, it was a break. Since then, everything that has happened, well, I can see now that it has just been the death throes of my relationship with the OW.

 

I love my wife as much as (if not more than) when I first got married. Its absolutely crazy. Its like Im having an affair with my own wife, or at least the same sort of feelings.

 

My xmas will be with my wife, my two daughters, my family and no other.

 

I wish you all a happy xmas too..

 

I hope those of you who are victims of these stupid mistakes find the strength you need. Either way. Stength to forgive. Strength to free yourselves.

 

I hope those of you who are involved in affairs find your way too. Its a foggy, unclear time for you all. Having been there I fully understand where you are at. Dont make the wrong decision

 

Merry xmas

[abeliever]

Mattym,

 

I must tell you I am deeply suprised and pi$$ed off that you broke NC with OW, again! This is where we BS should come in here, you don't have the balls to do the right thing! So you must tell your W of what is going on, it's only fair that she is given the info of where your heart is. I feel so sorry for her right now. She simply does not have the information of your "feelings" for OW. Well fu%^&k your FEELINGS! Where is your respect for W at?

 

I can support you when you are doing the right thing, but you continue to choose speaking and whatever else with OW. Being a BS I cannot support you anymore, it hurts too much. If we are all to be honest here, and you seem to not be with yourself, us or your W, then you must know where I stand and I only speak for myself here on LS. I do not support you!

 

I will care about what happens to you, but I cannot sit by and watch you destroy your family and your W all for some bull of getting your ego stroked.

 

This is serious and I feel you taking all this in and making it into a game or like it is not real. Matt, your W feelings for you is REAL, do you really know that? She forgave you, gave you another chance and this is how you repay her? I will not support you in this, I just can't. It is wrong, in my eyes and going thru it myself just makes the hurt for your W even more only you won't be honest with her.

 

Good thing I don't know where you are at, I am not so sure I wouldn't tell her myself, she deserves to know what you are doing behind her back. And the betrayal that you carelessly continue to play on her is cruel and you will get it back, believe that karma is a mother.

 

abeliever

[michaelk]

Wish I could have read it. *sigh* Oh well. Glad to hear he's continuing to work at it!

[bestadvisor]

Matty came on and told about the ow at the office and how she was flirting with other guys, he admitted that it bothered him and said that he and his wife discussed the issue. He and his wife appear to be talking more and more. He can't be expected to shut off his feelings immidiately, but he is working on it. I know some of you didn't get to read the post, because of the data corruption, but he did post very honestly.

 

The fact remained that the OW contacted him and he responded back and even listened to her when she "confided" in him. He still indirectly let her know that he has feelings for her, which is a total slap in the face for his wife.

[cj1988]

Matty, Sweetie, it is time to put the OW to rest now. YOU have to do this or get out of your marriage. I know what you are up against, but that does not matter, it is ALL or nothing now for your marriage. I am telling you this because you know that is what happened to my marriage and now my H is devistated.

 

If you keep pushing the envelope, your WONDERFUL sweet loving W you speak so highly will drop you like a ton of bricks and she will NOT let you come back. So, please stop, I do not want to see a thread from you saying "SHE LEFT ME, what do I do now" because she will be GONE with your babies ! Are you hearing me? All for what? A screwed up little GIRL who will DUMP you too if she ever really HAD you !

 

Remember it is all a game to her, I played that game and LOST. You will NOT ever get over yourself if you do not do this NOW. The OW will tear you to pieces and LIKE it ! She gets off knowing SHE is still on your mind after all this ! She does not care about YOU and especially your W and most of all CHILDREN that this is effecting !

 

STOP IT NOW, get rid of her number and anything you have that could link you to her. I think you should even change your mobile number etc.....get out of it ALL and never look back !

[abeliever]

Mattym

 

I agree with Cj you need to be straight with your W. My rant earlier was out of frustration with you. I want you to be fair with your W, do you think about her feelings? And be fair to you too. If you just have to be with OW then fine go be with her. But men and women like you are who are ruining these marriages at 50% by not being totally honest with yourself first, then with your SO. If we had the honesty then marriages would survive more IMO.

 

That is what I am trying to get accross to you. Be honest for your W she deserves that much respect. And you deserve to be happy to, but not at someone elses expense.

 

abeliever

[mattym]

I thank you all for your comments, I really do. I agree with you 100%. I am being dishonest. Worst of all I'm being dishonest with myself, pretending I think to be stronger than I really am

 

Christmas at home was great. You know, I read a post somewhere on LS that talked about 'what kind of man do you want to be?' and I want to be the kind of man that my daughter wants to marry and my son wants to emulate - hope that doesn't sound arrogant

 

If I go say 2 or 3 days with NC whatsoever from OW then I begin to feel just like me again. I plan the future, I make loving gestures towards my wife ( we have never had so much intimacy as we have lately I'm happy to say), I make plans to take her out, arrange babysitters - this past week I have been contacting old friends just to say 'hi'

 

This is the weird bit - I begin to feel like that, like I have nothing to hide, then OW will contact me - directly or indirectly as she did last week...then it's as though nothing else matters again, she is my entire focus

 

It's pathetic I know, and it's hard for me to admit that, but it's how I feel

 

Last week I was at work, and she was the furthest thing from my mind. I saw her outside walking towards me. Intially I thought ' i dont want you here' then after I'd seen her for 10 mins, I'd mentally crumbled and she was all I wanted! what is going on?

 

She'll keep her visits or phone contact ver brief in comparison to when it was full-on between us. i even said to her 'why are you phoning?' she says ' whats wrong with a friend contacting another friend? there's nothing going on between us'

 

Some here will say ' cut her out of your life' - part of me though feels incredibly guilty for the lies I told her, just to get my kicks, for all those months, and if I now say ' get lost' I feel as though that makes me the stereotypical SOB that all her friends will no doubt tell her I am. Perhaps naively I thought ' well we can take all the intimcay out, and I can just be a nice friendly guy'

 

truth is, without the intimacy, talking to her now is like talking to my boss. I say what I have to and the conversation dries up - I guess that tells me that we were not really THAT compatible

 

Today after the Xmas break she came in again. She said 'hi, just stopped by for a coffee' She asked how my Xmas was and I said 'fine' and didnt elaborate. i said 'Nice xmas?'

She said ' my neighbours came & got me, I went there for lunch. they feel sorry for me because I'm living on my own, so yeah, it was alright. Hope you had a fun-filled family day'

 

She then went on to tell me that 4 guys had text her over the holidays, one being an ex-partner from 12 years ago who she didnt reply to as he was besotted by her and she didnt want to encourage him

 

After a while she left - I am ashamed to say it but I thought of nothing but her again then rest of the day. I guess she got the desired effect

 

Of course when that happens what do I think?

 

'Did I do the right thing, staying? i shouldnt be thinking about her'

'maybe it could have worked...'

'yes she's temperamental but thats my fault, I've led her up the garden path'

 

Meanwhile, my poor beautiful wife is at home, looking after the two best things I've ever done. How can i do that? think those thoughts?

 

Why don't I feel obsessive over my wife like that after 10 mins with her?

 

I almost feel I should get a serious illness or something, then I could think ' good. I deserve to be punished'

 

I told my wife about OW being at work last week - she said she's flirting with other guys because she's cheap

 

I haven't told her about today or how it makes me feel. Rightly or wrongly, I have hurt her enough

 

I understand there are thosewho will sit in judgement of me but I am just trying to do the best I can

Edited December 27, 2007 by mattym

[michaelk]

Your post highlights very well the difficulty involved in getting over an emotional affair. I can hear two voices when you write, and clearly they're battling each other.

 

Having been in your shoes, I've been as supportive as I can be. I've said many times that things will get better and you will get over the OW. But it seems you just insist on making things even harder by continuing to interact with OW. Every time she pulls you back to that place where you felt excited and alive you're taking a step backwards. Every time, you're risking that you won't rebuild your M because your putting emotional energy into OW and not your wife.

 

You are not going to feel that same excitement for your W. You two are in a different place now than when you first met. But don't you see that you can have a much better M than you had before the affair? You said that you two have been more intimate. Is that both physical and emotional? Are you more open with each other? Do you feel closer to your W now that you see she can still love you, despite what you did? I'm betting the answers to these questions are 'yes' - and if so, why screw that up?

 

Keep listening to the voice that says, 'Talking to OW is like talking to my boss. We didn't really have anything in common. Etc. etc.' And forget the quick emotional fix. Once that faded, you'd have been left with nothing. As it is, you have a loving wife and children.

[mattym]

Your post highlights very well the difficulty involved in getting over an emotional affair. I can hear two voices when you write, and clearly they're battling each other.

 

Having been in your shoes, I've been as supportive as I can be. I've said many times that things will get better and you will get over the OW. But it seems you just insist on making things even harder by continuing to interact with OW. Every time she pulls you back to that place where you felt excited and alive you're taking a step backwards. Every time, you're risking that you won't rebuild your M because your putting emotional energy into OW and not your wife.

 

You are not going to feel that same excitement for your W. You two are in a different place now than when you first met. But don't you see that you can have a much better M than you had before the affair? You said that you two have been more intimate. Is that both physical and emotional? Are you more open with each other? Do you feel closer to your W now that you see she can still love you, despite what you did? I'm betting the answers to these questions are 'yes' - and if so, why screw that up?

 

Keep listening to the voice that says, 'Talking to OW is like talking to my boss. We didn't really have anything in common. Etc. etc.' And forget the quick emotional fix. Once that faded, you'd have been left with nothing. As it is, you have a loving wife and children.

 

Thanks Michael, I know you understand because you have been where I am. I can undeerstand sometimes to read my posts might be frustrating- like I need my head slapping, sometimes I hesitate before I post because it doesnt show me in a great light- but it kind of 'lets it all out' i guess..a sounding board

 

I didn't like the person I was when this A was going on, there were days when i just yearned to live a 'normal' life again

 

I think I probably need to move jobs in the new year- I thought maybe I could see her around and not let it get to me, but it does, and the emotions are too strong and I crumble like some lovesick 14yr old

 

With my W, I've been really making an effort at home. We cuddle up together when watching TV- havent done that since before the kids were born, and you know, just recently- we've actually started laughing together again. I call her from work too now just to talk- previously i'd only call her if something was wrong or one of the kids needed something etc etc

 

I guess the emotions around the excitement are very powerful and that must be what keeps drawing OW back to me too?

 

Matt

Edited December 28, 2007 by mattym

[michaelk]

Thanks Michael, I know you understand because you have been where I am. I can undeerstand sometimes to read my posts might be frustrating- like I need my head slapping, sometimes I hesitate before I post because it doesnt show me in a great light- but it kind of 'lets it all out' i guess..a sounding board

 

I didn't like the person I was when this A was going on, there were days when i just yearned to live a 'normal' life again

 

I think I probably need to move jobs in the new year- I thought maybe I could see her around and not let it get to me, but it does, and the emotions are too strong and I crumble like some lovesick 14yr old

 

With my W, I've been really making an effort at home. We cuddle up together when watching TV- havent done that since before the kids were born, and you know, just recently- we've actually started laughing together again. I call her from work too now just to talk- previously i'd only call her if something was wrong or one of the kids needed something etc etc

 

I guess the emotions around the excitement are very powerful and that must be what keeps drawing OW back to me too?

 

Matt

 

It's an addiction, Matt. It makes you feel soooo good, that ego boost combined with sexual excitement. Your 14 year old comment made me smile - I know that feeling exactly! Some will tell you that those feelings aren't real. I disagree with that, but I do believe they are short lived! Otherwise, how did the 'in love' feeling you had for your wife fade? Or for your gf when you were actually 14 years old, for that matter?

 

We men and women are drawn together by emotional and physical forces that are hard to resist. But to save our families, you and I both have to do exactly that.

 

I think your idea of a new workplace is fantastic! Here's a somewhat related story for you: I recently found out that my employer of the past 3 months is moving offices. The new office will be 20 miles away in the exact same building I worked in when I had my affair! The chances of this happening must be incredibly small, yet it happened. For a number of reasons, I've decided to take a different job. In all honesty, one of those reasons is that I can't bear the thought of being back in a place that will remind me of the affair. OW doesn't work there, but it would just bring back memories of wandering through the parking lot talking on my cell phone. That part of my life is behind me. Now maybe you can do the same?!

[mattym]

It's an addiction, Matt. It makes you feel soooo good, that ego boost combined with sexual excitement. Your 14 year old comment made me smile - I know that feeling exactly! Some will tell you that those feelings aren't real. I disagree with that, but I do believe they are short lived! Otherwise, how did the 'in love' feeling you had for your wife fade? Or for your gf when you were actually 14 years old, for that matter?

 

We men and women are drawn together by emotional and physical forces that are hard to resist. But to save our families, you and I both have to do exactly that.

 

I think your idea of a new workplace is fantastic! Here's a somewhat related story for you: I recently found out that my employer of the past 3 months is moving offices. The new office will be 20 miles away in the exact same building I worked in when I had my affair! The chances of this happening must be incredibly small, yet it happened. For a number of reasons, I've decided to take a different job. In all honesty, one of those reasons is that I can't bear the thought of being back in a place that will remind me of the affair. OW doesn't work there, but it would just bring back memories of wandering through the parking lot talking on my cell phone. That part of my life is behind me. Now maybe you can do the same?!

 

wow, can i sympathise with that! At work there's the office phone where she would constantly call me - there's the place outside where I'd call her from my phone, round the corner the place where she'd pick me up in her car after work so we wouldn't be seen by anyone , and so on...LOTS of memories. I guess thats why it's that much harder when she actually appears there aswell - it's like slipping back in time a few months

 

strange how i'm getting an ego boost or fixation on a woman who now goes to great pains to tell me ' we are just friends now'

[OpenBook]

I guess the emotions around the excitement are very powerful and that must be what keeps drawing OW back to me too?

 

wow, can i sympathise with that! At work there's the office phone where she would constantly call me - there's the place outside where I'd call her from my phone, round the corner the place where she'd pick me up in her car after work so we wouldn't be seen by anyone , and so on...LOTS of memories. I guess thats why it's that much harder when she actually appears there aswell - it's like slipping back in time a few months

 

strange how i'm getting an ego boost or fixation on a woman who now goes to great pains to tell me ' we are just friends now'

 

I am completely stumped as to why you seem to need this "ego boost" so badly?? In post after post, you keep bringing it up, portraying the affair as HER chasing YOU all the time. You just won't leave it alone.

 

I think that until you answer this question for yourself, there will be more OW's and pining obsessions in your future.