My Wife found out about me

[norajane]

This is the weird bit - I begin to feel like that, like I have nothing to hide, then OW will contact me - directly or indirectly as she did last week...then it's as though nothing else matters again, she is my entire focus

 

after I'd seen her for 10 mins, I'd mentally crumbled and she was all I wanted! what is going on?

 

Some here will say ' cut her out of your life' - part of me though feels incredibly guilty for the lies I told her, just to get my kicks, for all those months, and if I now say ' get lost' I feel as though that makes me the stereotypical SOB that all her friends will no doubt tell her I am. Perhaps naively I thought ' well we can take all the intimcay out, and I can just be a nice friendly guy'

Oh, stop fooling yourself. It's not because her friends will say you are an SOB if you cut off contact - you FEED OFF the contact. Telling her you can't continue to have contact with her is about saving your marriage - isn't that more important to you than whether her friends like you??

 

Yes, we will tell you to cut it off completely. And you know why? Because every contact feeds your obsession and prolongs the time when you will get her out of your system. And it creates more dishonesty and deception when you hide it from your wife. If you need to feel guilty about something, feel guilty about continually lying to your wife.

 

So, make your choice. Continue to feed your ego and risk your marriage with each contact, or cut off contact and focus on your wife. You can't have both, although that's what you wanted from the start. That's been the only choice from the very beginning, and it remains the choice - that won't change no matter how long you drag this out. You have yet to make a choice.

[michaelk]

I am completely stumped as to why you seem to need this "ego boost" so badly?? In post after post, you keep bringing it up, portraying the affair as HER chasing YOU all the time. You just won't leave it alone.

 

I think that until you answer this question for yourself, there will be more OW's and pining obsessions in your future.

 

He didn't bring up the ego boost. I did. That was my experience when I had an affair.

 

In my case, it had partly to do with feeling neglected in my marriage, and a lot to do with self-esteem problems. I'm working on that in therapy.

 

I know Matt is in therapy, too. Hopefully he's figuring out why his OW feeds him so much.

[whichwayisup]

'what kind of man do you want to be?' and I want to be the kind of man that my daughter wants to marry and my son wants to emulate - hope that doesn't sound arrogant

 

That isn't arrogant at all.

 

Matty, I'm gonna kick your ass now. Merry Christmas honey!!!

 

STOP TALKING TO THE OW. You did good by not telling her anything about your Xmas, though you shouldn't have asked about hers.

 

STOP WORRYING about how you come off to her and for godsakes man, STOP with the guilt towards her. WHO CARES anymore. She is over it, so should you. She knows the A is completely over and now she is purposely f*cking with you, playing games as she knows she has you weak in the knees. She's laughing behind your back and loving the effect she has on you!

 

STOP worrying about what she thinks or feels.

 

Okay, lecture over, and I hope you try to see what I'm saying here.

[bish]

I thank you all for your comments, I really do. I agree with you 100%. I am being dishonest. Worst of all I'm being dishonest with myself, pretending I think to be stronger than I really am

 

Christmas at home was great. You know, I read a post somewhere on LS that talked about 'what kind of man do you want to be?' and I want to be the kind of man that my daughter wants to marry and my son wants to emulate - hope that doesn't sound arrogant

 

that doesnt sound arrogant at all...you are saying thats the kind of man you WANT to be...not the kind of man you are. But you should strive to be that man.

 

Afterall...wouldn't you want to strangle any man that would cheat on your daughter? Remember...your wife is someone's daughter....you could be in the same position as your wife's father some day.

 

But honestly...if that day comes, and your daughter is cheated on, you can't really get too mad at the guy...afterall...you did the same thing.

[Hard2Think]

Matt,

 

One of these days, you may want to take a look at my post from a year and a half ago. I was only half a step away from leaving my home and going with the OW.

 

This is a woman who could get me physically aroused just from my looking at her. Sex with her was absolutely amazing. She had me mesmerized.

 

Just last week, I was reformatting the drives on an old PC and I saw pictures of OW whom I haven't seen since D-Day almost 18 months ago. You know .. I sat there and wondered how the hell did this woman ever have such a spell on me? She has no effect on me now. None. There's nothing she could do to make me want to sleep with her again.

[michaelk]

that doesnt sound arrogant at all...you are saying thats the kind of man you WANT to be...not the kind of man you are. But you should strive to be that man.

 

Afterall...wouldn't you want to strangle any man that would cheat on your daughter? Remember...your wife is someone's daughter....you could be in the same position as your wife's father some day.

 

But honestly...if that day comes, and your daughter is cheated on, you can't really get too mad at the guy...afterall...you did the same thing.

 

So he forfeits his right to love his daughter because he hasn't been loving to his wife? Huh?!?

 

You can't argue that he should treat all women as he would treat his own daughter, because they're not his daughter! Love for our children trumps all others, and trying to extend that by analogy to other persons makes no sense.

[mattym]

That isn't arrogant at all.

 

Matty, I'm gonna kick your ass now. Merry Christmas honey!!!

 

STOP TALKING TO THE OW. You did good by not telling her anything about your Xmas, though you shouldn't have asked about hers.

 

STOP WORRYING about how you come off to her and for godsakes man, STOP with the guilt towards her. WHO CARES anymore. She is over it, so should you. She knows the A is completely over and now she is purposely f*cking with you, playing games as she knows she has you weak in the knees. She's laughing behind your back and loving the effect she has on you!

 

STOP worrying about what she thinks or feels.

 

Okay, lecture over, and I hope you try to see what I'm saying here.

 

Hi WWIU - Merry Christmas to you too

 

I know you are right. I DO feel guilty toward her when i see her, because I know I've strung her along. I guess I don't feel that in the same way toward my W because I stayed with my W, so in my twisted logic I conclude that W hasn't lost anything, because I never left her. Whereas OW based all her future hopes & dreams on me, so it just feels so callous to throw her under a bus now. That doesn't mean I want to be with her, I just want it to finish amicably, and don't want her to hate me

 

I only talk to her now when she contacts me. It's weird - I go NC, and the longer I go the easier it gets..and she pops back. So I talk again etc to her, and inevitably I tell her how I'm feeling, and how difficult it is. She will respond with things like 'we are not meant to be, concentrate on your wife' and then promptly ignore me again. So I think 'ok she wants me gone' so I go NC, then a few days later the cycle starts again!

[mattym]

Matt,

 

One of these days, you may want to take a look at my post from a year and a half ago. I was only half a step away from leaving my home and going with the OW.

 

This is a woman who could get me physically aroused just from my looking at her. Sex with her was absolutely amazing. She had me mesmerized.

 

Just last week, I was reformatting the drives on an old PC and I saw pictures of OW whom I haven't seen since D-Day almost 18 months ago. You know .. I sat there and wondered how the hell did this woman ever have such a spell on me? She has no effect on me now. None. There's nothing she could do to make me want to sleep with her again.

 

H2T

 

I took your advice and read your thread from 2006. I can certainly empathise with you 100%, it sounds as though we were in very similar places

 

As I have said before, the main attraction with this OW was sex. If we'd never had sex, I'm not sure I'd have seen her for long. On our first date she got drunk, which concerned me a little, since she hardly knew me and I've always considered that people behave with restraint on a first meeting. I dropped her at her place and she was calling me as i drove away, asking me to come back and get in bed with her, which I did not do. At the time, her impulsiveness and sexual desire seemed exciting, and that's what I miss. She used to say her boyfriend that she'd been seeing 6 months at the time was 'boring'

 

If I'm honest, there were other potential OW, it just never progressed in the same way. I am going to talk to my therapist next week as to why I've never been faithful in my relationships, never been satisfied

 

When I met my W, she was the first girl I'd dated that didn't seem to have 'issues' that needed resolving. I know we are all emotional beings, but this OW, like other women I've dated before had 'hang ups' - she had been criticised in her past, never felt good enough, hated herself in some way- 'every man i've ever loved has dumped me' and so on, and , just as in the past, I took it upon myself to be Superman and try and make her world a happier place. Satisying when she's rewarding me, as she was the start, with the best sex I've ever had, but ultimately very draining when she'd call out the blue crying because her Boss had reprimanded her in a minor way over something. Always at the back of my mind i was thinking ' How will I keep her happy & loved & fulfilled, aswell as managing an Ex-W, still being the best Dad I can to 2 kids under 5, and having little or no money?'

 

She told me she loved me, that God had given her a '2nd chance at happiness' after meeting me. How could I then smash her into the dirt by being just another guy who'd used her and abandoned her? I was getting my kicks, but I also felt a heavy responsibility toward her then. I didn't want to come across like a b*stard

 

Of course I chose to push that to the back of my mind while the sex and going out and dating continued, but as time went on OWs comments went from:

 

"I'll wait, even if it takes 2 weeks or 2 months until we're together"

 

to

 

"When will we get married? You're living with another woman"

 

to

 

"If you told me your W was pregnant now, i think that would be it for me. I'd leave"

 

to

 

"You want both your cakes, you don't want me"

 

to

 

"Everytime you talk about your W you only ever say how kind she is, and what a great Mother she is. That tells me a lot. So go on, off you go then"

 

I've said so often here before, that I'd leave her place, be driving home and say to myself 'No way am I leaving my family, I love them' and almost try & force myself to think rationally. Yet next day, if I hadn't heard from OW by lunchtime I'd be getting jumpy, checking the phone and feeling so relieved when she called. IT truly is the closest I have ever come to feeling like a drug addict. While it made me feel wonderful, I also felt powerless - because any good feelings I had were generated by her, when she chose to..that's what i want to break away from

 

If I'm honest, I know she is not as great a catch as my W. When I met my W, I fought off a bit of competition in getting her to date me

 

This OW has quite a few issues - abortion, bad family R with her Father, a history of breakingup with guys, only to keep them in contact afterward, insecurity and selfishness issues. I am no angel either, but to try and deal with that AND a divorce and devastated children would be a little too much

 

Now if I could only remember all that when I see her!

Edited December 28, 2007 by mattym

[JamesM]

Whereas OW based all her future hopes & dreams on me, so it just feels so callous to throw her under a bus now. That doesn't mean I want to be with her, I just want it to finish amicably, and don't want her to hate me

 

I only talk to her now when she contacts me. It's weird - I go NC, and the longer I go the easier it gets..and she pops back. So I talk again etc to her, and inevitably I tell her how I'm feeling, and how difficult it is.

 

I don't think she based her future on you. She may tell you that, but you are not her first married man, if memory serves me correct. She knew in the back of her head that you were temporary. She had hopes that you would leave your wife, but she knew this was a slim possibility. If you could let that part go, then it would be easier. It is your guilt talking to you...not her.

 

My first thought is...why are you talking to her when she calls? Can you tell her that you no longer will answer and be done with it?

 

I still say that this post is all about your OW and not much about your wife. I know this is therapeutic to vent, but how is your wife in all of this? Do you tell her that you are talking to the OW? Yes, you should every time the OW calls. This was you have accountability and will not be tempted into an affair again.

 

As long as you keep in touch with the OW, there is a good chance that you could cheat again.

[bish]

So he forfeits his right to love his daughter because he hasn't been loving to his wife? Huh?!?

 

Thats not what I said...I didn't say he forfiets his right to love his daughter...he can support her....I SAID he has no right to be mad at the guy. Someone should be mad at any guy that cheats on his daughter....his wife perhaps...her brother...but not him.

[whichwayisup]

I don't think she based her future on you.

 

Neither do I. I think she did exactly what you did. Said alot of things in the heat of the moment, that she meant IN that particular moment, but later, it wasn't such a big deal. I mean, right now she couldn't care less about you, UNLESS she knows that you still want her. THAT IS NOT LOVE. Not even close. What you felt for her is pure sexual animalistic LUST, NOT long lasting, caring love. You know that Matty..

 

IF she calls, don't speak to her. Just say I'm busy, can't talk. Hang up phone. She shows up at your office, guide her to the door and tell her now isn't a good time. YOU DO NOT OWE HER ANY EXPLANATIONS anymore. NONE. Once you cut her off that way, maybe you won't feel any guilt or pangs of anything anymore.

[whichwayisup]

Hi WWIU - Merry Christmas to you too

 

I know you are right. I DO feel guilty toward her when i see her, because I know I've strung her along. I guess I don't feel that in the same way toward my W because I stayed with my W, so in my twisted logic I conclude that W hasn't lost anything, because I never left her. Whereas OW based all her future hopes & dreams on me, so it just feels so callous to throw her under a bus now. That doesn't mean I want to be with her, I just want it to finish amicably, and don't want her to hate me

 

But Matty, you're wasting that energy...SHE DOES NOT FEEL GUILTY at all, infact, she is getting off on the fact that YOU still feel guilty and she's playing that up, playing a game with you. F**k!! I want you to get pissed off, take control and say enough is enough! Once you do that, things will be better.

 

I only talk to her now when she contacts me. It's weird - I go NC, and the longer I go the easier it gets..and she pops back. So I talk again etc to her, and inevitably I tell her how I'm feeling, and how difficult it is. She will respond with things like 'we are not meant to be, concentrate on your wife' and then promptly ignore me again. So I think 'ok she wants me gone' so I go NC, then a few days later the cycle starts again!

 

Don't talk to her, even when she contacts you. YOU KNOW NC is important and how much good comes of it. So, don't let yourself get sucked in. Don't give her a chance to speak, let alone speak of your wife, your marriage or kids. NONE OF HER BUSINESS.

[cj1988]

Matty, see WHICHWAY and I tell you the same thing over and over again....she is f---- with you and you are letting her....YOU can stop this with her calling and showing up, and when you do.....you will feel SOOOO good about yourself and you will start healing. She does not feel guilty or bad at all, she just wants to know SHE is still on your mind. Once you cut her off for good, she will move on and find another victim.......TELL HER IT IS OVER AND TO LEAVE YOU ALONE NOW !

 

You have to do this, when you do....YOU WIN THE GAME and your WIFE and maybe some of your dignity back......if she keeps coming around you are to loose and most of all a LOSER! Sorry !

[norajane]

I DO feel guilty toward her when i see her, because I know I've strung her along.

 

I guess I don't feel that in the same way toward my W because I stayed with my W, so in my twisted logic I conclude that W hasn't lost anything, because I never left her.

 

Whereas OW based all her future hopes & dreams on me, so it just feels so callous to throw her under a bus now. That doesn't mean I want to be with her, I just want it to finish amicably, and don't want her to hate me

 

You honestly believe your wife didn't lose anything?

 

How about peace of mind? How about trust in the husband SHE based her hopes and dreams on? How about respect for her husband?

 

And how about what you added to your wife's life, like the pain she has to endure every time she thinks of you with the OW? The hurt every time your wife notices you mooning over OW and each time you tell your wife you've been in contact again? How about the fear that you will do this again, with another OW? Or the fear that she will ultimately have to divorce you and be a single mother?

 

Come on - you know better than to think your wife hasn't lost anything.

[cj1988]

The BS always loses the most....the one gift you could ever give a S, yourself is no longer clean, not tainted. You are no longer just hers as you should have been. You have shared you body and mostly your heart with another when both belonged to one, your spouse, now it does not !

[bish]

You honestly believe your wife didn't lose anything?

 

How about peace of mind? How about trust in the husband SHE based her hopes and dreams on? How about respect for her husband?

 

Exactly...I don't think most cheaters realize that, even when the effort is being made by both spouses IF they decide to stay together, just what runs through the BS's mind once in a while. There are times when the BS looks at the betrayer in disgust...there are even times that a BS may look at the betrayer and simply want to slap the pi$$ out of them (no I'm not condoning violence, so don't even try).

 

And alot of betrayers want things to go away without facing any sort of consequences whatsoever. Alot of them expect the BS to just drop it, forget about it, and get over it.

 

Sorry...it doesn't work that way.

[Virgo1982]

Mattye, do I need to buy you a new set of balls and mail them to you, or are you going to reclaim yours and use them to cut that *^&$% out of your life? It is time to take the next step and only answer questions about your job, until that situation is changed. Don't answer personal questions or ask any. MOVE IT!

 

I don't know if it's balls or maturity Matty needs. The mature adult realizes that everything doesn't just happen to him/her-he creates his own destiny. For him to admit that his W is a good woman, but bring this OW into the picture, is a contradiction of how he truly feels. I am not saying his W isn't a good woman. What I'm trying to figure out is if he truly feels that she is the woman for him. Someone pointed out that previous comment where he seems to be saying things would be different if it weren't for the kids. This statement definitely conflicts with the occasional praise given to his W. It sounds as if this woman is a manipulator and is no good for anyone-including herself-right now. I don't think you should leave your W for her, but what happens when you get bored again? The mature man finds a solution that is honest and one he can sleep with. Just know that your kids won't appreciate their father cheating on their mother whenever he feels like it. My father was a cheater and I was younger when my mother left him, but as I grew older, I understood. I love my father-but not for my mother. My brothers and sisters are not as forgiving. You really need to put things into perspective before you wind up with nothing. IOW, make a clear decision and stick to it before a clear decision is made for you. You think you're in pain now? You haven't seen nothing yet...

[mattym]

I don't know if it's balls or maturity Matty needs. The mature adult realizes that everything doesn't just happen to him/her-he creates his own destiny. For him to admit that his W is a good woman, but bring this OW into the picture, is a contradiction of how he truly feels. I am not saying his W isn't a good woman. What I'm trying to figure out is if he truly feels that she is the woman for him. Someone pointed out that previous comment where he seems to be saying things would be different if it weren't for the kids. This statement definitely conflicts with the occasional praise given to his W. It sounds as if this woman is a manipulator and is no good for anyone-including herself-right now. I don't think you should leave your W for her, but what happens when you get bored again? The mature man finds a solution that is honest and one he can sleep with. Just know that your kids won't appreciate their father cheating on their mother whenever he feels like it. My father was a cheater and I was younger when my mother left him, but as I grew older, I understood. I love my father-but not for my mother. My brothers and sisters are not as forgiving. You really need to put things into perspective before you wind up with nothing. IOW, make a clear decision and stick to it before a clear decision is made for you. You think you're in pain now? You haven't seen nothing yet...

 

I think you are right. I have behaved very immaturely, but I suppose, when you think about it, the whole business of infidelity is immature isn't it? Sneaking around so nobody sees you, making excuses to go out so you can phone each other, quick physical contact when you think nobody's watching? None of it is mature adult behaviour. It is childish, incredibly selfish and ultimately it hurts people, including those that take part in it - believe me, I know. I've never felt so adrift since all this happened.

 

If I had not had the kids, then things may have turned out differently. At the height of the A I felt I loved this woman. I'm now starting to see that real love doesn't fade away when you don't have contact for a few days or weeks, and that I was infatuated with her and addicted to the attention. At the time though I couldn't see that. I am financially now in debt thanks to this double life I was leading, I used all my leave for the whole year to spend time with her - telling me wife I was going to work while I took the days off to be with her. I made those choices, and did those things & convinced myself I would only do this because I was in love. All things being equal I would have left my W, convinced I'd found my 'soul-mate' ( not that any such thing exists)

 

But all things are not equal. I DO have children, who are not much more than babies at the moment. I think a responsible person doesn't just up & leave without examining whether things really can work with the family all together. If I'd never met OW, I would never have thought about leaving my Wife. Things in our R were not bad - they were just damn hard work, as any parent will identify with

 

At the time though - the affair was this great shiny fantasy where all we did was kiss & cuddle, have great sex, go out to nice restaurants and dream of a wonderful future. How could any warts and all long term relationship compare with that? I wasn't living in reality, and i didn't want the dream to end either, as it made the reality easier to live with. In other words, I wanted it all.

 

My W said today that she loves me. I asked her why , since I don't deserve it

She said 'I've always loved you. All I ever wanted was a happy family life for us'

 

If I got cancer today, or she met someone else & threw me out & I had nothing then I honestly would feel I deserved it, that I'd paid my dues. Part of me feels I've had my fun, hurt 2 adult women and got away with it & I don't deserve to get away with it.

 

I think Triage said that his A has taught him a lot about himself & I would agree wholeheartedly with that. It has forced me to examine who I am and made me want to be a better person. I am not proud of it, but I've never been faithful to any partner I've had - I've either had EA to a degree, or started seeing someone new before finishing with the one I'm with if I feel things aren't working out. I'm going to hopefully work through that in my therapy

 

I wanted today to sit & write to the OW, and apologise for the hurt I caused her, to put the guilt to bed so to speak. My friend thinks she deserves no apology, likewise my W,a lthough I accept she is biased. She said ' The woman is 30 years old, not a little girl, she knew exactly what she was doing, and with someone else's husband. She played with fire and got her fingers burnt. She didnt care that while you were with her, your kids didn't see their Dad, to hell with her'

 

I was at work yesterday and overheard 2 girls who must be early 20's talking. I got the idea that one of them is seeing a married guy. he's told her he can't leave his W as she'll take everything away from him. I shook my head and wanted to tell her just what a hole she was a digging, but it's not my business. I wouldn't have listened at the start of it all either.

 

Matt

[imstunned]

hey Matty. Good tp see you back. How did things go over Christmas. How you feeling about New Year??

 

Why not write that letter but for theraputic reasons. Dont give it to her, but write it for your self, and get your feelings out. x

[bish]

hey Matty. Good tp see you back. How did things go over Christmas. How you feeling about New Year??

 

Why not write that letter but for theraputic reasons. Dont give it to her, but write it for your self, and get your feelings out. x

 

Horrible idea....the idea is to go NC and forget about the OW. Writing a letter to the OW, whether he gives it to her or not, simply keeps the feelings going.

 

He is suppose to be working on his M...not writing the OW letters. I don't think he is going to work on his M. The title of this thread is obviously a load of bunk.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I wanted today to sit & write to the OW, and apologise for the hurt I caused her, to put the guilt to bed so to speak.

 

It seems that this would help assuage your guilt, but understand this: your letter would not have the effect that you would want it to. OW does not want your apologies. She is not ready for closure. She is likely angry and the last thing she would want is to let you off the hook by accepting your apology. Why would she?

 

Her intentions were to break up your family. It sound ugly put that way, but when you strip away the love/affection/cuddling/sex - that is what it comes down to. She wanted to break up your family and have you all to herself. She did that with the motivation of love. Chances are she wants to do the same thing, but only this time motivated by anger/hate so that you will lose everything like she had to.

 

I have seen countless threads from OW who have been broken up with that have the same theme... "I am so angry and I want to tell the wife!" They want to hurt the MM - they want him to lose everything - they do not think it is fair that OW has a shattered life and a shattered heart while MM gets to keep his life/wife/kids/home/etc. I would bet some large money that OW wants to hurt you now.

 

That said, do you really think an apology to her will have the desired effect? If anything she will retaliate rather than accept.

 

Your best bet is to leave her be. Do not contact her. It won't help anything to do so.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, the letter writing idea is a bad one as the OW doesn't care anymore. You give her that letter, the game starts all over again. She will be in your face daily, thinking that the letter is a 'sign', that you still want her, that there is hope. Or, she's going to think you're a pathelic loser who is inlove with her and she's going to laugh her ass off at you!

 

NC NC NC NC x100!!

[imstunned]

I didnt suggest he GIVE any letter the OW - just to write it. Whats the big deal with that. Should he just pretend he dosent feel the way he does amd bury those feelings deep and not dealw with them??

 

How the heck is that going to help anything?

 

LB is right about her wanting to probably hurt you right now. But given how much by your own admission you lied to her and led her down the garden path to suit your own needs dosent she have EVERY right to be angry. You are the one Matty who has everything. She has nothing.

 

No doubt I'll get flamed for that too. The focus of this thread Matty isnt so much on YOU and your feelings, but on your Marriage.

[whichwayisup]

But given how much by your own admission you lied to her and led her down the garden path to suit your own needs dosent she have EVERY right to be angry.

She knew exactly what she was doing all along. Sure, he led her on, but she's done alot of game playing and manipulation towards matty. I mean, less than 2 months ago or so, she was crying wolf saying she was going to kill herself, yet the next day she was out partying it up with some other guys and making sure matty knew about that. She isn't an innocent participant of the A. she was quite willing and able.

 

The thing is, he needs to get past his guilt and focus more on recovery, and he needs to work on himself in therapy. Focussing on the OW is only holding him back. HE knows he isn't inlove with her, he's in lust.

 

The OW is fine now, she knows what's what and is playing a game with him as she loves the ego feed/attention of knowing that he still wants her.

[OpenBook]

The OW is fine now, she knows what's what and is playing a game with him as she loves the ego feed/attention of knowing that he still wants her.

 

Apparently he's still getting off on it as well.