My Wife found out about me

[imstunned]

I'm sure we would all accept that there are two sides to every story. We only have Mattys. We dont have anything from the OW. I am scared to even suggest that she isnt fine as I KNOW I'll be flamed. Clearly I am influenced by my own experiences - but so is everybody else.

 

Just because she was a willing affair partner dosent mean it was okay for Matt to lead her on like that and tell her all those lies. I personally find it very reassuring that Matty does feel this guilty, Shows he is a decent character in my opinion. Yes he is working on his M, but its only right that he should feel bad about hurting another human being too.

[whichwayisup]

I do agree with you stunned, but he has to let this go, let go of what guilt he feels towards the ow and hurting her. THAT is preventing him from recovery with his wife, as well as what OB has said too, fact that his ego is fed every time the OW talks to him through email, on the phone or pops by his office at work. HE has to turn it off and ignore her.

[Virgo1982]

I'm sure we would all accept that there are two sides to every story. We only have Mattys. We dont have anything from the OW. I am scared to even suggest that she isnt fine as I KNOW I'll be flamed. Clearly I am influenced by my own experiences - but so is everybody else.

 

Just because she was a willing affair partner dosent mean it was okay for Matt to lead her on like that and tell her all those lies. I personally find it very reassuring that Matty does feel this guilty, Shows he is a decent character in my opinion. Yes he is working on his M, but its only right that he should feel bad about hurting another human being too.

 

He should feel guilty, but his guilt is never going to be enough for the OW. There are no benefits to his guilt, but genuine remorse and repentance are valuable. The OW did not care about him working on his M then, and she won't care about it now.

 

Matty

 

Contact with her is a waste of time if you truly want to make your M work. Nothing productive can come from it. Your feelings of guilt are useless. Your pity would probably make her more angry. You chose to be with two women and now you have to choose to be with one. You can't please both women anymore. Either one, or both of them, will resent you in the end. It's up to you whether it will be one or two.

[JamesM]

 

I wanted today to sit & write to the OW, and apologise for the hurt I caused her, to put the guilt to bed so to speak. My friend thinks she deserves no apology, likewise my W,a lthough I accept she is biased. She said ' The woman is 30 years old, not a little girl, she knew exactly what she was doing, and with someone else's husband. She played with fire and got her fingers burnt. She didnt care that while you were with her, your kids didn't see their Dad, to hell with her'

 

 

 

Matt

 

I agree with your friend. What you are looking for is not closure but forgiveness from the OW. As has been said, she is unlikely to give it to you. I am guessing that if anything, she will work on your guilt and perhaps either try to cause you more hurt, or she will try to get you to come back to her.

 

While forgetting her is the best, it is probably also the hardest.

[norajane]

I wanted today to sit & write to the OW, and apologise for the hurt I caused her, to put the guilt to bed so to speak. My friend thinks she deserves no apology, likewise my W,a lthough I accept she is biased.

 

Yes, your W is biased. She is the woman who feels like this:

 

My W said today that she loves me. I asked her why , since I don't deserve it

She said 'I've always loved you. All I ever wanted was a happy family life for us'

 

Isn't it more important that you honor your wife's feelings at this point, and stop worrying about your own guilt about OW? Don't you think you need to pay attention to what your wife thinks about you writing that letter to OW? She doesn't want you to. Don't you see how it might hurt your wife if you spend all that time writing letters to OW? Just because your wife didn't come out and tell you it would hurt her, considering what her opinion is of OW and of you writing that letter, can't you see that it would be an insult to your wife on top of the injury? Your wife might love you, but you can bet all these conversations about your guilt for OW are building up resentment under the surface. Is your wife in therapy? Are you and your wife in marriage counseling yet?

 

As I said earlier, where is your guilt for what you did to your wife? Why not write your wife an apology letter? Don't you think she might appreciate one?

Edited December 29, 2007 by norajane

[Tomcat33]

Hi Matt - glad to see you came to post an update and it is a very insightful one at that. You have wrestled with some demons that are turning into new thoughts or breakthoughs and it is good to see your train of thought shifting. I know you will get there even if it means having to cross a lot of hurdles a long the way.

 

A couple of things, just as we all can advise given our internal meters allow us to express how we feel of what is put forth, none of us were or are in your shoes, in your W's shoes in your OWs shoes. You are closer to knowing how these two women may feel than any of us.

 

I think writing the OW a letter of closure, if you are truly ready for closure is a good idea, and I encourage you to do it. It doesn't matter what her reaction will be because you will be doing it for you for your own peace of mind for your own progress. Too many things have been said about this woman in a horrible light and it's a shame you sit there and pass judgment on what this woman knew or did not know while she was with you because she is 30 yrs old and a grown adult who knew what she was getting into. You TOO are a grown adult and you knew exactly what you were doing when you told this woman so many lies, yet that does not take away from the fact that even you admit that at points you felt sucked into the whole experience and really were toying with making some significant leaps in life changes in order to form a future with her. Can you not empathise with her and see that she may have been feeling the same way and built up hope for something you never delivered on? It doesn't matter that is was doomed from the start that you were both in the wrong the fact of the matter is these things were promised and discussed and feelings where formed due to this.

 

It is easier for you to get over her by hating her and seeing her for a homewrecker or whatever it is that you see her as to help you along, but does that mean she is those things? If you know this and you know she was just out to break your family up how could you still be thinking about her as you are? I don't know this woman anymore than anyone else here and I can only go on my instincts but something tells me that no matter what this woman's intention's were you crushed her nonetheless. If you feel bad about this and it will give you closure to let her know then by all means tell her, be honest with her and set her free. Even if she resists what you tell her it doesn't matter the truth will set her free.

 

 

Of course your W is going to say she is not worth an apology it is her arch enemy she will tell you let it go she isn't worthy, and your W is not the right person to advise you on this because she doesn't have to feel pitty for her so she won't. It's like when OP tell their partners "who cares about the BS you don't love them just leave them" it doesn't work that way, yes two people want to be together but that doesn't mean you should purposely destroy another human being in order to do so. I am no saying you destroyed her but she knows what she was doing with you as much as you know what you were doing with her, that argument works both ways and you know very well Matt that those lines and boundaries on what was real and what wasn't were skewed and shifting at times, so why do you expect this woman to be responsible for all her pain when you know very well you said and did things to purposely lead her on?

 

That is wrong it is as wrong as what you did to your W and that guilt is obviously eating away at you, and you need to make a change fast, either accept what you did to her and close the door for good and accept you were less than an admirable human being to someone for your own selfish reasons and you owe her nothing more and really say "to hell with her" or bring the truth forth to make it be known. But living in guilt is a waste of energy and I can see that guilt is not going away on its own which means you will hold on to her for as long as you can.

 

Your OW doesn't have kids and doesn't have a family and may not have the capacity to measure the importance of the parental presense in a child's life and that is no excuse but some people just don't think in those terms because they don't know what that is like so to blame HER for not caring about taking you away from your children is really lame on your friend's part. Are they your children or hers? If you were ok to not be around them isn't that YOUR responsibility? It seems everyone is helping you to look for reasons to hate this woman even more in order to help you move on and that's fine but c'mon if this woman was such a monster how could you even entertain leaving the perfection that you have at home for her? Let's have some perspective shall we?

 

Matt lastly getting "cancer today or being thrown out on the street" is not going to change what has happened, it is also not going to redeem you in anyway if you learned nothing from this whole experience. You made a mistake, a HUGE mistake and you need to make it better, and you need to grow from this experience and you will never grow from this unless you close each door firmly and properly to get to where you need to get to next. But before you close doors you need to set things straight and you need to take responsibility for your own doings, so if writing this woman a an aplology letter is going to help that guilt go away then do it and get the much needed closure you need, but promise yourself that when you do that you have to be ready to close the door.

Unfinished business will always come back to haunt you.

 

I think the reason you are on the fence about sending her a letter is because you fear she will hate you and that will be the end of that with her. Again, I think you might be acting a little selfishly.

 

When my ex and I were together and he had was moving on for good and he wanted no more contact with his W I encouraged him to see her to sit down with her and talk to her and talk through the separation, he wouldn't even go back to her house to avoid her and I didn't feel it had to be that way. I wanted him to know that they could still be friends and that I would be supportive of that in the long term. I never EVER would have expected him to seperate and file for D all from a distance and "see you in court" that's not how a decent human being acts, that is not what a person does to deal with a situation, you need to face the problem and you need to work it out in the best way possible so that you can close the door properly on your past. Of course that is different because people will say well and exhusband owes a W a cheater owes nothing to the lover, NOT so! If the lover was good enough to build hopes and expectations with and reel in tell them you love them then they are good enough to owe them a certain level of decency when you have to let them go.

 

 

 

In life sometimes we don't get the opportunity to get closure life changes from one moment to the next and closure never happens, we just learn to adapt to the new path. In this case you CAN get closure, take advantage of it set some rules and stick to them and start your recovery once and for all.

[norajane]

your W is not the right person to advise you

I disagree with this IF matty actually wants to work on saving his marriage. His wife's wishes and counsel are paramount in terms of what contact he has with the OW, and what to do (or not do) to show his wife that he is recommitting to their marriage. Adding more hurt to his wife's already full plate by dismissing her advice not to write the letter is not going to help their marriage.

[michaelk]

I'm sure we would all accept that there are two sides to every story. We only have Mattys. We dont have anything from the OW. I am scared to even suggest that she isnt fine as I KNOW I'll be flamed. Clearly I am influenced by my own experiences - but so is everybody else.

 

Just because she was a willing affair partner dosent mean it was okay for Matt to lead her on like that and tell her all those lies. I personally find it very reassuring that Matty does feel this guilty, Shows he is a decent character in my opinion. Yes he is working on his M, but its only right that he should feel bad about hurting another human being too.

 

I certainly won't flame you. In fact, I pretty much agree with you. But the focus of this thread has to be helping Matty do what he's chosen to do - get his marriage back on track. Focusing on the OW and trying to generate sympathy for her position here doesn't help that, it works against it.

[Tomcat33]

I disagree with this IF matty actually wants to work on saving his marriage. His wife's wishes and counsel are paramount in terms of what contact he has with the OW, and what to do (or not do) to show his wife that he is recommitting to their marriage. Adding more hurt to his wife's already full plate by dismissing her advice not to write the letter is not going to help their marriage.

 

 

I respect he needs to prioritise his W's feelings but she also does not know he is hanging on the this OW emotionally so she is advicing him on half truths which is WHY she is not the right person to advice him. It's not a dig at her and I am actually thinking if her future wellbeing too when I tell Matt to close the door properly he is in limbo and limbo state is neither good for his W or him.

 

If it is going to help him move on then why not try? Clearly doing things as he is doing now is not getting him anywhere. So perhaps time to change the course of action?

[michaelk]

Matty,

 

If you want to write a letter to your OW, go ahead - but don't send it. The only letter you should send to her is an NC letter. Anything else is equivalent to throwing a hook out there to see if she'll bite. It's another way of looking for one more 'fix' from the OW. At this point, you're no doubt harboring a wish to hear just a few more words from her. Well, let me tell you, those few words are NOT going to bring you closure. They're just going to drag out this process of breaking away.

 

Write to her all you want FOR YOUR SAKE because I'm sure you have a lot of thoughts and feelings to get out. But put those letters in a drawer leave them there. Sending them is just asking for trouble.

 

MK

[norajane]

I respect he needs to prioritise his W's feelings but she also does not know he is hanging on the this OW emotionally so she is advicing him on half truths which is WHY she is not the right person to advice him. It's not a dig at her and I am actually thinking if her future wellbeing too when I tell Matt to close the door properly he is in limbo and limbo state is neither good for his W or him.

 

If it is going to help him move on then why not try? Clearly doing things as he is doing now is not getting him anywhere. So perhaps time to change the course of action?

 

I agree that he's still lying to his wife and she doesn't know the half of it in terms of all the contacts he has with OW, and his inability to let anything go.

 

To be honest, I don't think matty has made any decision to close the door. He takes her calls, he meets with her, he chats with her about her personal life and his... I think this letter idea is just another thing that will prolong his focus on OW...he'll spend all this time writing the letter, then more time figuring out whether he should give it to her, then finding the time to meet with her to give it to her, then all that time waiting for her reaction, then more time talking to her about the letter and what it means, then more time thinking about what she said about the letter, then more time wondering if she'll one day accept the apology and forgive him, and then more contact to find out, etc., etc.

 

I also agree he needs to do something different. But my view is he needs to actually cut off all contact at this point. He said that when he is not in contact with her, he focuses on his marriage and his wife. But then OW calls him at work and they talk, and that sets him back. So he knows that contact is not helping. I think the something different he needs to do is not communicate with OW anymore, full stop.

[Virgo1982]

I disagree with this IF matty actually wants to work on saving his marriage. His wife's wishes and counsel are paramount in terms of what contact he has with the OW, and what to do (or not do) to show his wife that he is recommitting to their marriage. Adding more hurt to his wife's already full plate by dismissing her advice not to write the letter is not going to help their marriage.

 

I see TomCat's point. His W doesn't understand him and the situation. She doesn't know what we know. She only knows what she wants and how she feels about this OW. For instance, she doesn't think he owes this woman anything because she slept with her H, but her H slept with the OW as well. Just as an OW who ends up with the MM in the end, the BS has to deal with the emotions stemming from loss of the other person. IOW, his W is looking at the picture with emotional tunnel vision, just like the OW. Only Matty knows the full truth. It's not as simple as his W would like. Perhaps if she would have put him out for a little bit he would have cut the OW off cold turkey. The sense of loss that Matty mentioned previously might have produced a different result. At any rate, this is not going to be cut and dry, emotionally, but the first step is for Matty to cut off contact. THAT, his W is right about...

[Tomcat33]

I agree that he's still lying to his wife and she doesn't know the half of it in terms of all the contacts he has with OW, and his inability to let anything go.

 

To be honest, I don't think matty has made any decision to close the door. He takes her calls, he meets with her, he chats with her about her personal life and his... I think this letter idea is just another thing that will prolong his focus on OW...he'll spend all this time writing the letter, then more time figuring out whether he should give it to her, then finding the time to meet with her to give it to her, then all that time waiting for her reaction, then more time talking to her about the letter and what it means, then more time thinking about what she said about the letter, then more time wondering if she'll one day accept the apology and forgive him, and then more contact to find out, etc., etc.

 

I also agree he needs to do something different. But my view is he needs to actually cut off all contact at this point. He said that when he is not in contact with her, he focuses on his marriage and his wife. But then OW calls him at work and they talk, and that sets him back. So he knows that contact is not helping. I think the something different he needs to do is not communicate with OW anymore, full stop.

 

 

I totally agree with the bolded comment, the whole post actually.

If he can avoid making it a big production then I think it can be worthit though and I'll explain why:

 

You know why the OW still contacts him? Because in her eyes/head he is still poor little confused Matty who is on the fence in love with two women. She has no idea he is this selfish person who used her for his own needs, who lead her on to make her feel special when he knew all along she was nothing more than just a passing toy. This is why I encourage him to write the letter, show her your true colours, let her know in not so many harsh words what you tell us here, let her know you lead her on and really had no intentions of leaving for her and saw no future for them. Tell her you thought you loved her but really didn't.

 

As "insane" as this woman is portrayed to be, even the most INSANE person on the face of this earth would move on after reading that. If she has an ounce of self love she will hate him and move on and PROBLEM solved. Matt gets to focus 100% on his marriage the woman breaks free from his grip for good and life goes on.

 

The thing is as we all know Matt is not ready for that, he likes to have the option. So I cautioned "when you are ready to close the door for good" send the letter.

 

I know this sounds mean but sometimes brutal honestly is what we need. Personally I am partisan to brutal honesty I would much rather hear the harsh truth, "give me a reason to hate you and forget you rather than a reason to remember you for something you are not," is my philosophy... I appreciate some people prefer white lies to cushion the blow.

 

There is some reason to my insanity.

[norajane]

You know why the OW still contacts him? Because in her eyes/head he is still poor little confused Matty who is on the fence in love with two women. She has no idea he is this selfish person who used her for his own needs, who lead her on to make her feel special when he knew all along she was nothing more than just a passing toy. This is why I encourage him to write the letter, show her your true colours, let her know in not so many harsh words what you tell us here, let her know you lead her on and really had no intentions of leaving for her and saw no future for them. Tell her you thought you loved her but really didn't.

 

Except that OW was the one who actually broke up with matty because she eventually saw that he wasn't going to leave his wife. He never quite broke up with her - OW made that happen. So, I think she already came to the conclusion that matty wasn't going to be her dream guy.

[OWoman]

Except that OW was the one who actually broke up with matty because she eventually saw that he wasn't going to leave his wife. He never quite broke up with her - OW made that happen. So, I think she already came to the conclusion that matty wasn't going to be her dream guy.

 

Maybe OW did that to "push him off the fence" and then saw him still clinging on by his fingernails...?

 

TC's letter would force him off the fence because OW would likely whack his fingertips with a cricket bat! But I don't think that solves the problem either - that's not Matt acting, that's Matt letting the OW act on his behalf.

 

Matt - choosing without follow-through isn't really choosing. If you want to work on your M, you need to do what you need to do. You CANNOT have it both ways.

[StillSame]

I think this letter idea is just another thing that will prolong his focus on OW...he'll spend all this time writing the letter, then more time figuring out whether he should give it to her, then finding the time to meet with her to give it to her, then all that time waiting for her reaction, then more time talking to her about the letter and what it means, then more time thinking about what she said about the letter, then more time wondering if she'll one day accept the apology and forgive him, and then more contact to find out, etc., etc.

 

Matty, read the above quote again and again!

 

How can you continue to disrespect the woman you said "I do" to, who by the way, also gave birth to your children. Your W is losing the security, the safety that you promised her when you married her. Now, you had your fun and you KEEP THINKING ABOT THIS OW, and continue to slap your W on her face again and again with this contious breaking of NC.

[LifesontheUp]

How much longer are you going to put your wife through this Matt by going on about doing "right" by the OW?

 

How much longer do you think your wife is going to be understanding of your "obsession" of the OW? You can't seem to leave it go can you? You are NOT doing anything to stop the contact with the OW.

 

If you are not careful you are going to lose your wife. Is that what you want?

[mattym]

Thank you for the replies, I do appreciate the advice. It wasn't really about writing to her to prolong things, I know no there are too many fragments for our R to ever be pieced back together again.

 

Put simply, I have not been a very nice person these past few months and I don't like who I see in the mirror anymore. I am just trying to put some of the damage right again, which is why the letter idea sprang to mind

 

Michael is right- part of me wants that snippet of contact, the little shot of adrenalin when i speak to her. Its damaging to me though, I know that

 

I think because I never lost my W, even for a short time, even now I take her for granted. I think if she'd walked out or I'd spent some time alone I'd have realised with more clarity what I'd risked. I'm glad she did, but in a way it made it too easy for me to mentally stray again..

 

A friend of mine has just started meeting an ex-GF for lunch etc, and he says the are good friends now. I don't think that's ever going to be possible in this situation, since our R as built on lies, and it would be very unfair to my W to do that

 

I just wanted to treat this other human being who I've abused with some kindness, that's all...and I wanted to say I'm sorry for the hurt I caused

 

I expect no sympathy, and I accept 110% my part in all this, but I'm suffering a breakup AND saying at home that she meant nothing to me, while trying to rebuild trust in my W and raise my family. It's my own fault, but its such hard work

[whichwayisup]

I still think your focus in all this is wrong. Sorry, I know most of the OW who read this will disagree with me, but Matty, you are showing more remorse in hurting the OW than you are your own wife. Maybe your wife does need to yell at you, ignore you, kick you out. Or, if you really want to stir things up abit, tell your wife you want to be alone, separate to you can think. That ought to stir up your wife's hurt, anger and mistrust of you...

I honestly don't know what you want right now...I'm really afraid that if the OW knocked on your door and asked you to go with her, you would go. Not because of love, but because of the high drama you got used to, the ego feed.

 

Staying at home means you love your wife, not that the OW didn't mean anything to you. Obviously she does because you're still pining for her, even though she IS the wrong person whom you're focussing on.

 

I like the idea of you writing your wife a letter. What do you think? Maybe if you did, you'll realize that what you're feeling isn't about the OW, but it is about how you've been lying, betraying and sneaking around behind your wife's back.

 

Anyway, continue with therapy, it will help you solve those demons inside you.

[OpenBook]

I still think your focus in all this is wrong. Sorry, I know most of the OW who read this will disagree with me, but Matty, you are showing more remorse in hurting the OW than you are your own wife.

 

Actually, I think we DO agree with you. It's obvious the OW is still on his mind, and he seems to be more concerned about what SHE'S thinking than what his own W is thinking.

 

I am not proud of it, but I've never been faithful to any partner I've had - I've either had EA to a degree, or started seeing someone new before finishing with the one I'm with if I feel things aren't working out. I'm going to hopefully work through that in my therapy

 

Put simply, I have not been a very nice person these past few months and I don't like who I see in the mirror anymore. I am just trying to put some of the damage right again, which is why the letter idea sprang to mind

 

"Anymore"?? You were OK with being unfaithful in your past relationships but now all of the sudden you're remorseful about it?

 

I think because I never lost my W, even for a short time, even now I take her for granted...

 

I just wanted to treat this other human being who I've abused with some kindness, that's all...and I wanted to say I'm sorry for the hurt I caused

 

Uh, haven't you been (and are now) abusing your W with your unfaithfulness and deceit?

 

Sorry, all this just doesn't add up. I don't get it. I'm starting to think you're just pulling our collective leg here.

[norajane]

I think because I never lost my W, even for a short time, even now I take her for granted. I think if she'd walked out or I'd spent some time alone I'd have realised with more clarity what I'd risked. I'm glad she did, but in a way it made it too easy for me to mentally stray again..

 

Gee, maybe if you stopped lying to your wife and told her the truth - that you were about to leave her for OW, that your heart still races whenever you see the OW, that you can't get OW off your mind, that every contact with OW sends you into a week long tizzy of missing the attention and sex you used to get and into fits of jealousy about the other men she's meeting and possibly dating, and that you feel more guilt about how you misled OW than you do about how you deceived and cheated on your wife, she WOULD kick you out.

 

Instead, she's hearing that you're so over the psycho OW who never meant anything to you, but for some reason wanted to steal her husband and children from her, and that OW is the one who is hanging on and on to you.

 

Your wife thinks you are actually committed to repairing your marriage, and rebuilding her trust. She has no idea that you have yet to stop lying and lying and lying and lying to her.

 

Come on - are you truly not capable of understanding what you have to lose? Do you really need your wife to kick you out before you stop taking her for granted?

 

It's long past time to put on your big boy pants and man up and do the hard work. Instead, you want your wife to force you into a decision, just like your OW had to force you into not having sex with her anymore by taking that option away from you.

Edited December 30, 2007 by norajane

[Virgo1982]

I expect no sympathy, and I accept 110% my part in all this, but I'm suffering a breakup AND saying at home that she meant nothing to me, while trying to rebuild trust in my W and raise my family. It's my own fault, but its such hard work

 

That's what I mean Matty. Your W wants to believe that this OW means nothing to you because your actions say otherwise. Because she's had to tell you that you owe the OW nothing, she has to know the OW means something to you.

 

What I fail to understand about cake-eating MM is that they are infatuated with women who they believe are unworthy of committment. Why is it so refreshing to have someone you don't respect wanting you? I don't get it at all.

[Virgo1982]

Gee, maybe if you stopped lying to your wife and told her the truth - that you were about to leave her for OW, that your heart still races whenever you see the OW, that you can't get OW off your mind, that every contact with OW sends you into a week long tizzy of missing the attention and sex you used to get and into fits of jealousy about the other men she's meeting and possibly dating, and that you feel more guilt about how you misled OW than you do about how you deceived and cheated on your wife, she WOULD kick you out.

 

Instead, she's hearing that you're so over the psycho OW who never meant anything to you, but for some reason wanted to steal her husband and children from her, and that OW is the one who is hanging on and on to you.

 

Your wife thinks you are actually committed to repairing your marriage, and rebuilding her trust. She has no idea that you have yet to stop lying and lying and lying and lying to her.

 

Come on - are you truly not capable of understanding what you have to lose? Do you really need your wife to kick you out before you stop taking her for granted?

 

It's long past time to put on your big boy pants and man up and do the hard work. Instead, you want your wife to force you into a decision, just like your OW had to force you into not having sex with her anymore by taking that option away from you.

 

But don't you think if she sat back and took the time to think, it wouldn't be hard to see? Don't you think it's possible that deep down she knows this? She said the OW was 30 and is not a little girl. The W is not a little girl either. It's a waste of her time to focus her attention on the OW. Her H made a committment to her and she needs to be looking at the situation for what it is.

 

In so many ways he has told her the truth. She chooses to ignore it. For example, if my H had an affair and continuously spoke about the feelings of the OW, my antenna would be raised. I would wonder, "Gee, if she's so psycho, and he doesn't have feelings for her, why would he be saying these things?"

 

Matty, please just be honest with yourself. Don't say what feels good at the time. That's part of what got you into this mess. Someone said the point of this thread was to help you make things work with your W. I feel like I don't know if that's what you really want to do. I think you feel it's admirable and righteous and comfortable, but HONESTLY, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

Without receiving criticism or guilt from anyone, what would you truly want? (This excludes cake-eating)

[norajane]

But don't you think if she sat back and took the time to think, it wouldn't be hard to see? Don't you think it's possible that deep down she knows this? She said the OW was 30 and is not a little girl. The W is not a little girl either. It's a waste of her time to focus her attention on the OW. Her H made a committment to her and she needs to be looking at the situation for what it is.

 

I do think somewhere deep down she does know. But I don't think she's brought it to the surface and examined that deep down feeling...not yet.

 

Matt described this new intimacy that has started to develop between them. I think a woman with very young children who is wanting to save her marriage may be trying to focus on that promising new intimacy rather than focusing on her uneasy feelings. It's also possible she may consider those uneasy feelings as part of the loss of trust she already experienced after finding out about the affair - she might not realize she's reacting to the current situation.

[JamesM]

One thought...if you write the letter with the intent of never sending it, what is going to stop you from sending it?

 

While I am familiar with the concept of therapeutic help, in this case, I think it is too "dangerous." The temptation to send the letter will be very strong...especially if she calls at the right time with the right attitude.

 

My opinion is...do not write any letter.