Author mattym Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 Think I need to, for my own sanity Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Why don't you switch your phone # by switching to Vonage or something. It'll give you a great excuse for changing the number - plus Vonage has a feature that allows you (via the web) to set times when the phone goes directly to voicemail without ringing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 What happened was that she intially text and said ' it's not to be for us, however we should be there for each other and be friends' Initially i thought ' well we're all adults, why can't we at least be adult about this and at least acknowledge each other?' - but this was doomed to fail i guess Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 OMG! That was just another manipulation tactic. Can't you see that? I guess I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she just wanted to be nice about it all Having said that, she's in touch with pretty much all of her exes going back the past 5-6 years! Found a text on her phone once from her ( now married) ex, who she says is just friends now, which said ' I love you xx' - I suppose it could be a 'friends' love, but wonder what his new W would make of it... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Having said that, she's in touch with pretty much all of her exes going back the past 5-6 years! And, how many of her ex's were married with children? See, it doesn't matter if SHE can handle a friendship. It only matters that you CANNOT and the fact that having any sort of contact or friendship, even casual, will harm your marriage. YOu know this matty! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted January 25, 2008 Author Share Posted January 25, 2008 The more I think about it too, as time passes, she was in some ways more deceitful than i was Sure I told my W I was working late when i was with her, but she: Told her BF that she had to see a friend, and packed him off home an hour before coming out with me Offered to quell my W's suspicions by coming to a family BBQ at my house with her BF as 'my friend from work' and mix with my family & friends, all the while being with he BF so she'd think there was nothing between us Told her parents she was seeing a divorced guy ( me) I told the minimum lies I could, and only then to my W, and that made me feel like crap everytime I did it Not saying I'm an angel of course, the whole thing was my doing, but its made me think - especially her being at my place and rubbing my wifes nose in it- Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 And you continue to rub your wife's nose in it by maintaining contact with OW and sending her happy new year's messages and having lunch with her and winding up back at OW's house with her alone. Just because your wife doesn't know, yet, doesn't mean you aren't still shoveling the sh*t at her. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 Told her BF that she had to see a friend, and packed him off home an hour before coming out with me Offered to quell my W's suspicions by coming to a family BBQ at my house with her BF as 'my friend from work' and mix with my family & friends, all the while being with he BF so she'd think there was nothing between us Told her parents she was seeing a divorced guy ( me) I told the minimum lies I could, and only then to my W, and that made me feel like crap everytime I did it Not saying I'm an angel of course, the whole thing was my doing, but its made me think - especially her being at my place and rubbing my wifes nose in it- Oh my god Matt are you for real? ok sure you want to get over this woman but listen to what you are saying, you STILL lying to your W and you claim you told the minimum amount of lies? I've seen this so many times here cheating men that in order to get over the OW do a complete 180 and totally turn all the tables on them in order to hate them. I guess you have to do that to over them? But having documented all your past here for others to see you really have some gall making statements like the above one. If you want to lie to yourself fine if it helps you move on but be careful what you write here because it makes you sound really really unstable not to mention that by lying to yourself you will never ever heal. Link to post Share on other sites
sarme Posted January 25, 2008 Share Posted January 25, 2008 (edited) Told her parents she was seeing a divorced guy ( me) So what?? Have you never lied to family and friends about people you are dating in its early stages when you weren't sure where the relationship was going to be headed of if there even was going to BE a relationship? Your family does not need to know about your romantic life until you are sure of what you want, and quite frankly we don't owe anything to our families in terms of explanations of our romantic lives, it's optional to tell all details or even to be upfront. You on the other hand OWED everything to your W not to lie to her and cheat on her because you married her and when you promised to love and charish her it included, NOT sneaking behing her back to bang some other woman. SEE the difference? sorry matt but you are really grasping here. Edited January 25, 2008 by sarme Link to post Share on other sites
StillSame Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 What do you have to gain by keeping contact with her? I guess the better question is, what do you got to lose by keeping contact with her? The answer is everything that you value, your wife, the trust and respect of your wife, YOUR FAMILY as you know it, yourself (the sane one), the peace you have but taken for granted...the list just go on and on. You really need to speed up that job search and you need to delete her phone from your cell? How is your wife OK with you still having her on your cell? That's just unbelievable! Link to post Share on other sites
IM5150 Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Hey Matty, you have an update? I've been following this thread with much interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 Latest update is , in a nutshell. She broke NC again the other day, we talked on the phone and somehow arranged on a purely 'friends' basis to meet up today I got up today dreading meeting her, and dreading the thought of deceiving again Something has snapped inside me , I cannot do it anymore Anyway I text her, so I wouldnt have to speak to her , and told her I wouldnt be coming and I was going home She never answered me but I know she would have got the text. Knowing her as i do, I think she is now no longer speaking to me & will wait for me to go running It's not going to happen, i just want to look into my wifes eyes with honesty again I feel pleased that I did not go, but also a little sad since I know this will not end amicably, and thats what I was always striving for. I guess that was always going to be difficult Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 So you haven't taken anyone's advice. You say "she broke NC" as if to somehow lessen your culpability, but you answered the phone! Worse yet, you made a date with her to meet up as - yeah, right - "friends." Stop already before you lose everything that you value in life. I am. I'm not meeting with her There is no physical contact with her anymore- I havent laid eyes on here for a couple of weeks never mind anything else I just wanted it to be amicable with her, but I don't think thats going to happen now Link to post Share on other sites
IM5150 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Lighten up on him. Although his temptations are still high, you know how hard it is to say NO! Great job Matty. Keep it up. But if you slip in the near future. I want to know Link to post Share on other sites
IM5150 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 No, but I'm commending him on not following through with the meet. that's all. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Whoo Hoo Matty! The lights are on in your head and now you're seeing things (aka the OW) for what and who they are! Now, you aren't breaking the NC in the sense of making the first move, the OW is. Next time she calls you, (call display??) don't answer the phone and do not call her back. If she emails you, now it is time to tell her you won't be talking to her anymore at all. NC has to happen in every way! I am proud of you and most of all because you've realized you want to look your wife in the eyes and know 100% that you are indeed doing everything possible to stay in NC mode with the OW. Great progress!! Link to post Share on other sites
cj1988 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Good going Matty, I know that was hard for you But, it made you feel good right to NOT go ! You now see howmuch better it feels inside to the right thing instead of getting a quick fix from doing the wrong thing. You are doing so well and I believe within the next few months, you will be over the whole thing and on here giving really good advice to folks that WERE just like you ! I am always here for you ! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Right on Matt!!!! You deserve praise for what you did, despite not being 100% where you could be, this is a huge leap towards the right direction. You did a fine job in turning back and I am very pleased to see you write these words: It's not going to happen, i just want to look into my wifes eyes with honesty again It shows you are taking some very conscious meassures to reach your goal. Keep it up and don't let the set-backs set you back permanently, there will be setbacks but they will be less and few apart if you stay focused on your main goal. You can do it, you know you want to! Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Latest update is , in a nutshell. She broke NC again the other day, we talked on the phone and somehow arranged on a purely 'friends' basis to meet up today I got up today dreading meeting her, and dreading the thought of deceiving again Something has snapped inside me , I cannot do it anymore Anyway I text her, so I wouldnt have to speak to her , and told her I wouldnt be coming and I was going home She never answered me but I know she would have got the text. Knowing her as i do, I think she is now no longer speaking to me & will wait for me to go running It's not going to happen, i just want to look into my wifes eyes with honesty again I feel pleased that I did not go, but also a little sad since I know this will not end amicably, and thats what I was always striving for. I guess that was always going to be difficult Matty my mouth is hanging open. I think this is the first time I've ever seen you actually put your foot down - on ANYTHING with ANYONE - and say, "This is the way it's going to be. End of story." This is the living embodiment of the expression "man-up", and (forgive me) I didn't think you had it in you. You have proven me WAY wrong. My hat is off to you. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Right on Matt!!!! You deserve praise for what you did, despite not being 100% where you could be, this is a huge leap towards the right direction. You did a fine job in turning back and I am very pleased to see you write these words: It shows you are taking some very conscious meassures to reach your goal. Keep it up and don't let the set-backs set you back permanently, there will be setbacks but they will be less and few apart if you stay focused on your main goal. You can do it, you know you want to! There you are Tomcat! Wondered where you'd been... and I see you beat me out by a hair in posting to Matty! Great minds think alike! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 There you are Tomcat! Wondered where you'd been... and I see you beat me out by a hair in posting to Matty! Great minds think alike! :D Ahh ya know.. you gotta get out and live life sometimes, and beleive me I ain't complainin'!! Oh yeah baby! I think Matty is finally comming around the mountain, we can call off the search party, he's comin' home! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Am I the only one that thinks it's ironic that Matty started this thread called "Ended the Affair today (an update from Matt)" on November 9th and here it is, 2 1/2 months later, and he's still sneaking around to see his OW? This affair-ending stuff must be harder than it looks. Here's a line from his first post: "My now 6 month-long A with the OW officially ended today" Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Triarge Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 If you look at it that way Lucky then yes.. but if you follow the path Mattym's followed closer, you see the tiny victories that have been made over that period. I know from my own experience that A's dont just stop. Sometimes NC isnt always viable and if it isnt the journey is so much harder and longer. But he IS getting there. He IS on the right path and I know Mattym will get there in the end. I think he already knows he's come too far to ever go back to where he was with the OW. This last 'victory' over her proves just that. Well done Mattym, you've made alot of people proud of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted January 31, 2008 Author Share Posted January 31, 2008 (edited) wow, just logged on this morning here while my bacon is cooking and I'm bowled over by the replies. Thank you so much, I really mean that. I know I've never met any of you but to know that people take an interest really means a lot. I've found the people on this forum such a huge support you'll never know. I read back my first thread from August last year and can see now that if I hadn't posted here I might have run off with the OW. I wasn't talking to anyone about it and so my only advice would have been coming from her. I am pleased that i didn't go and meet her. She hasn't called me, and I know her so well. She'll be sitting back waiting for me to go running. Well, she has a surprise coming I don't know what it was yesterday, maybe I was just tired - the kids have had colds so have been up in the night and stuff - but I sat at work and thought 'I'm not doing this anymore' - if I'd met her last night , even if nothing had happened, then I'd have had to lie to my W where I'd been and who I'd been with, I'd have spent money on her ( she rarely if ever offered to pay anywhere) when i could be spending that on the kids, and if my W had found out my M would almost certainly be over. And for what? a few phone calls and a get together in a resturant? I was watching a show on Tv where they talked about economics. Something on that struck a chord, in that with all things does the benefit outweigh the risk. Well perhaps 9-10 months ago I might have thought that, but not anymore, its the complete opposite OW will be sitting at work, hoping I'll break first and phone her. If that doesn't work she'll start turning up where I am at work and openly flirting with other guys. She did that before, inviting herself out with them etc. After that she'll go back to the suicide routine I guess Here's something I'd be inetersted to know peoples thoughts on. She asked if my W had suggested she had met a new man after my A . I said ' no, she hasnt said she's met anyone. why?' her reply was ' thats just something women do to make men jealous ' - says more about her, dont you think? I do care about her, as a person, and I desperately hope she does not do anything silly like try and kill herself, but you know, more and more I've noticed how utterly self-obsessed she is. Whole conversations go by and it's all about her - her feelings, she doesn't feel good enough, she's so unhappy. Then in the same breath how she fancies this guy or that guy. As I've been told here, and didnt listen, it's manipulation, but I can see it now for what it is It is very hard to break away completely from her though - still in my mind I associate her with excitement, sex etc. The phone rings and I think 'is it her?' or I find myself checking the phone to see if she's rung or msgd- She is a physically attractive woman. How do I break that? Instead of seeing OW I went home to my W last night and we had a talk again. She said that she still thinks of it everyday and i promised I would never hurt her again. She said that she'd noticed a difference in me lately and that she thought that the person i used to be was coming back again I told her I fully accept my part in the whole A - OW wasnt married, i was, so I dont want to be blameless with it all On the way home last night I booked a table at a new reatuarant my W said she liked the look of, so I'm taking her there this weekend as a surprise, just the 2 of us I know I'd spoken with OW and that was wrong, but to look at her last night and know I'd chosen to be with her and not OW helped me greatly I realise now how fragile my W is over this and I have to help her. As much as I feel guilty over OW I am not the right one to help her OW has said on numerous occasions that I have 'no balls' for not leaving my wife when , after all, she dumped her BF to be with me. The 2 situations are totally different though. I have a family, and history and a life with my W. I think as Triage has mentioned before though, it takes more balls to rough it out and make amends that running off to the next person who makes you feel good Thank you all again so much for your continued support - I'm not as crazy as I appear on these threads IRL - honest! Matt Edited January 31, 2008 by mattym Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 I realise now how fragile my W is over this and I have to help her. I have a family, and history and a life with my W. I think as Triage has mentioned before though, it takes more balls to rough it out and make amends that running off to the next person who makes you feel good At last you are really getting somewhere and realising your wife needs your support. I'm sure your wife will appreciate your dinner date. All the best Link to post Share on other sites
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