My Wife found out about me

[cj1988]

Matty, I am so happy for you....you are doing great. Now, your feelings for your W concerns and feelings are back and that is a huge step. When you stop caring about how the other feels, it is over, trust me I know. My car is no working properly at all and my H could care less, too busy drinking with buddies. So, you see you are getting back to you and before you know it, I bet you and your W will be better than ever.

 

 

Just keep it up and you will see.....about the physical attraction, that is just outside, lokk at her from the inside out and you will see her differently. About the sex, go to your W and ask her to try something new IF she is ready. Ask her what her fantasies are and what she wants to do that is new.....make it seem as if you want to meet her needs, anything she wants, she will love it.....tell her you want to be her FANTASY and see what happens.

[whichwayisup]

OW will be sitting at work, hoping I'll break first and phone her. If that doesn't work she'll start turning up where I am at work and openly flirting with other guys. She did that before, inviting herself out with them etc. After that she'll go back to the suicide routine I guess

 

IF she does the "I'm gonna kill myself." Tell her, "Okay, I'm calling 911 so you can get help." and then walk away. Don't feel bad, don't get sucked into her lies and drama. I don't believe for one second that she IS going to kill herself. She pulls the big crying act out of pure desparation. Time to pull on your big kid panties and walk away when she acts like that. Well, you need to walk away ANYTIME she comes over to you. And, those times she calls you, don't answer.

 

It is very hard to break away completely from her though - still in my mind I associate her with excitement, sex etc. The phone rings and I think 'is it her?' or I find myself checking the phone to see if she's rung or msgd- She is a physically attractive woman. How do I break that?

 

When this "I have a family, and history and a life with my W"sinks in and you get your balls in order and stand up to the OW in the sense of closing her off in your mind. You don't allow yourself to entertain ANY type of thoughts about her anymore. And, you don't let her manipulate you into feeling bad and guilty, let alone hear or see her.

SOmehow you need to shut her out in every way at work and just not care.

 

OW has said on numerous occasions that I have 'no balls' for not leaving my wife when , after all, she dumped her BF to be with me. The 2 situations are totally different though. I have a family, and history and a life with my W. I think as Triage has mentioned before though, it takes more balls to rough it out and make amends that running off to the next person who makes you feel good

 

You need to grow the balls to get rid of the OW once and for all.

 

Oh yeah - How's the job hunting going? You did say you were thinking about leaving and finding something else. Now is a good time don't you think?

 

Keep focussing on your wife and kids. Bond with your family and remember what's more important. Keeping everyone together and happy.

[StillSame]

Matt, it's been a while since you last posted. You didn't break contact, did you?

[whichwayisup]

You beat me here...Funny he's been on my mind yesterday and today!

 

Matty, hope you're doing well!!

[openingup]

Hi Matt,

Just wanted to counter all the counseling/confession suggestions with one of my own. Honestly, as a wife, I wouldn't want to know, because I wouldn't be able to forget. It's actually kinder of you to keep this to yourself and work it out on your own. In my experience, misery loves company and most people confess not to set a relationship right, but to unburden themselves on someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt - selfish. Don't make your wife suffer just because you are.

[IM5150]

Hi Matt,

Just wanted to counter all the counseling/confession suggestions with one of my own. Honestly, as a wife, I wouldn't want to know, because I wouldn't be able to forget. It's actually kinder of you to keep this to yourself and work it out on your own. In my experience, misery loves company and most people confess not to set a relationship right, but to unburden themselves on someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt - selfish. Don't make your wife suffer just because you are.

 

Wow, finally some advice from the other side. I agree. I spoke to a friend the other day and found out after she was listening to my story for a while that her husband had an affair. When i told her the advise that i was getting on this board about telling my wife she said don't do it. It wasn't worth the hurt to her. Especially if this is something of a temporary fantasy. I agreed with her. This could all be over tomorrow and I would go back to myself shortly after and like it never happened because i can keep my own little dark secret. Why lose a family over it by telling your spouse.

[norajane]

Hi Matt,

Just wanted to counter all the counseling/confession suggestions with one of my own. Honestly, as a wife, I wouldn't want to know, because I wouldn't be able to forget. It's actually kinder of you to keep this to yourself and work it out on your own. In my experience, misery loves company and most people confess not to set a relationship right, but to unburden themselves on someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt - selfish. Don't make your wife suffer just because you are.

 

Wow, finally some advice from the other side. I agree. I spoke to a friend the other day and found out after she was listening to my story for a while that her husband had an affair. When i told her the advise that i was getting on this board about telling my wife she said don't do it. It wasn't worth the hurt to her. Especially if this is something of a temporary fantasy. I agreed with her. This could all be over tomorrow and I would go back to myself shortly after and like it never happened because i can keep my own little dark secret. Why lose a family over it by telling your spouse.

 

Have you two read this thread?

 

His wife already knows he's been having an affair. What she doesn't know is that he's continued contact with OW since ending it.

[StillSame]

Matty, are you back with the OW and is that the reason you're not responding?

[whichwayisup]

Uhhh, what makes you think he's back with the OW? Why do you always assume the worst? Have you read the past bunch of posts by him recently? He is with his wife and kids, trying his best. He isn't the one breaking NC, it's the OW. He's handled things as best as he can considering how things were between him and the OW.

 

Besides, she's not the OW anymore, she's the EX-OW.

[StillSame]

Because this has happened before. He disappeared and post again saying that he was hesitant to post because he's back with OW and not ready to get slammed by posters here on this board.

[Triarge]

I'll tell you why WWIU.. Some people here hate it when things actually work out. Theres no more drama to feed off. Some would love Mattym to come back here and tell us he's slipped again; then it would all fire up again with the Mattym bashing.

 

Then there are others who think that because of what Mattym has done, he should be forever damned. Why should he be able to have an affair, cause all the pain and suffering to both women, and then go back to a happy family life?

 

Its not that he's not writing here because he's slipped. He's not here because things are probably good in his life now and like WWIU says, the Ex OW is far behing him.

[whichwayisup]

Because this has happened before. He disappeared and post again saying that he was hesitant to post because he's back with OW and not ready to get slammed by posters here on this board.

That hasn't happened in months. The last 3 or 4 times he's disappeared and come back he was NOT back with the OW. Remember, the NC was broken by HER, not HIM. Even those few times, he wasn't "with" her in the way you're implying.

 

Matty is a tough cookie and can handle the bashing and slamming by you and everyone else.

 

Triage, you're right.

I'll tell you why WWIU.. Some people here hate it when things actually work out. Theres no more drama to feed off. Some would love Mattym to come back here and tell us he's slipped again

 

He shouldn't be bashed though. Given harsh/tough love, yes, but not bashed.

There'll always be some who love to see the drama unfold...Forgetting that the person behind the screen is a real person with real feelings...

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Mattys last post seemed pretty final - is it just not that he doesn't need Loveshack so much any more maybe?

[MrIndependent]

This is my first post on this thread. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have just split up with my OW today and I fell like my heart has been ripped out. My circumstances sound very very similar to yours except I'm a bit older (See thread 'In Over My Head'). Despite feeling like sh*t I have decided to go NC with OW also. I will wait until these feelings subside and then re-assess my marriage and where I'm at. I have been in counselling for a month now and I can say that it certainly does help. My reason for posting is really just to offer my support and maybe we can help each other through a very similar situation. I'm in UK too by tyhe way. Good luck mate!

[u91746]

MattyM, hope you're still out there....thank you for summarizing everything I've been feeling...hard for others to understand, but it is difficult. Hard to say goodbye to an old friend, hard to close that door. Great post; hope you're doing well.

[Angel1111]

First of all, don't tell your wife anything unless you really want to put her (and yourself) through a living hell.

 

Secondly, what did you expect the OW to do once it became obvious that you weren't going to leave your marriage? For her own sanity, she needs to move on, and break the attachment to you.

 

If you're not in love with her and have somehow deemed her unworthly of a long-term relationship, then leave her alone because you're only causing heartache for everyone. I also doubt very much that she isn't deeply hurt, she just isn't showing it because you chose someone else over her. It should be obvious how that would make her feel.

[OWoman]

First of all, don't tell your wife anything unless you really want to put her (and yourself) through a living hell.

 

Secondly, what did you expect the OW to do once it became obvious that you weren't going to leave your marriage? For her own sanity, she needs to move on, and break the attachment to you.

 

If you're not in love with her and have somehow deemed her unworthly of a long-term relationship, then leave her alone because you're only causing heartache for everyone. I also doubt very much that she isn't deeply hurt, she just isn't showing it because you chose someone else over her. It should be obvious how that would make her feel.

 

Angel - there was a whole chunk of posts lost in The Great Crash, so you've missed all that happened since.

 

Matt has told his W, they're still together and working on the M. He's fallen off the wagon a couple of times with the OW, but is trying hard to keep NC. She's got other guys on the go, and Matt seemed a bit miffed to discover some had overlapped with him.

 

He's popped in since the crash and left comments on other threads - if you do a search on his username you'll be able to find them, and get a sense of where he is now.

[cadmus]

Not sure if you are still around Matt but I have recently ended an affair, in my first month of NC. I posted on here for advice and was directed to your thread.

 

I am finding it hard and miss the OW a lot, not so much anything physical or loving that occured but the great friendship and shared sense of humour that neither of us can go back to because we both crossed the line and fudged everything up.

 

I have confessed everything to W and she is being very understanding, currently trying to get over my loss and put energy back into M.

 

Although my situation with OW is not as complicated as yours sounded (she was young, single and had no significant prior relationships) it would be good to know how you are getting on.

[mattym]

Not sure if you are still around Matt but I have recently ended an affair, in my first month of NC. I posted on here for advice and was directed to your thread.

 

I am finding it hard and miss the OW a lot, not so much anything physical or loving that occured but the great friendship and shared sense of humour that neither of us can go back to because we both crossed the line and fudged everything up.

 

I have confessed everything to W and she is being very understanding, currently trying to get over my loss and put energy back into M.

 

Although my situation with OW is not as complicated as yours sounded (she was young, single and had no significant prior relationships) it would be good to know how you are getting on.

 

Hi Cadmus

 

Posted on your thread, hope it helps. Working at the moment, will post an update on me a bit later

 

Matt

[torranceshipman]

Hey, don't be miffed at the OW dating other guys when she as waiting around for you, Matt! You had a W the whole time remember. I agree with other posters here-if you're staying with the W, leave the OW alons so she can move on with her life...she's obviously incredibly hurt and if you truly care about her, be happy that she's trying to move on as her current situation (hurting over you!) is probably making her v.miserable!

[mattym]

Just thought I'd post a quick update as some of the posts on this page seem to have been lost

 

Hard to believe it's a year since I first came here ( where did that time go?!) but things are certainly better than when i first came here

 

Our marriage is repairing slowly, and there are moments when I doubt we'll ever be back to how it was before the A. I am resigned to the fact that the presious innocence we had will never be back, but in it's place we seem to have a relationship that's more 'us against the world' if that makes sense. In any family disputes I now stick up for my W far more than I ever did - I think perhaps the A and the fallout has given me more respect & loyalty towards her

 

Whenever something is bothering me I never think now to call anyone except her. A year ago I might have called my W, but then followed it up by calling the OW...

 

As for the OW, well she moved dept,- she's around very occasionally, and each time I have seen her there is a very uncomfortable silence and atmosphere. I'm sure people at work must have picked up on it, although no-one's ever mentioned it, but I think these things get picked up. i was worrying about other people but now I think ' to hell with them, i made a mistake' - who hasn't? I've learnt from mine, and although I've hurt people close to me, I've hurt myself too and I'm still paying back for my mistake, so i don't owe them any explanation

 

For the first few weeks after the final chat we had she was texting me, over & over insisting we could be friends. Each time I was polite, but said that wasn't possible. Even if i was inclined to do that, all her life she has surrounded herself with ex-sexual partners, keeping up to date with them and being 'friends'

 

I've never understood why people want to do that- to have an intimate relationship with someone, what is realy in it for that person to move to just being their 'friend' - in my case the answer is ' not much' - i sometimes think the whole friends bit is people's way of avoiding guilt at the end of a R

 

Anyway we don't talk now, but I have heard she dumped the guy I talked about here before, and has now moved onto another one. One thing i do know is that her new 'ex' is still in contact with her- guess he's her 'friend' - spot the pattern? LOL

 

There's a lot of other fallout too- financially I will be struggling for some time & we've had to scale right back - the cost of the A has only just dawned on me in that sense. Another way that the BS & kids suffer that i hadn't considered - a hard lesson learnt for me there too

 

Matt

[LoyalGirl]

There's a lot of other fallout too- financially I will be struggling for some time & we've had to scale right back - the cost of the A has only just dawned on me in that sense. Another way that the BS & kids suffer that i hadn't considered - a hard lesson learnt for me there too

 

Just curious... How did the A affect your family FINANCIALLY?

[whichwayisup]

Matti, that's really good things are moving along well. My only complaint is, you still know what the OW is up to, which means she's still abit on your mind, like a habit, even if you don't "feel" anything for her like you did before, she's not out of sight out of mind, even if in another department.

 

Anyway, the love between you and wife, and the trust will grow as time goes on. Maybe one day you'll quit that job and find another one...Even though your wife doesn't say it, I'm sure you quitting would show her even more how committed you are to her and the marriage.

[mattym]

Just curious... How did the A affect your family FINANCIALLY?

 

Mobile/cell phone bills- cost me a fortune month on month while I was sneaking out the house to take and make calls to her

 

Credit card bills for meals, gifts etc - all the usual stuff one spends money when being selfish and lying - I shredded the bills as soon as they arrived at home so my W wouldn't have found them

 

Managed to shift most of it to 0% interest so it's being paid off but will be a couple of years most likely, and I get angry at myself because that money could be being spent on my family

 

It's like I've come out the other side of a fog - I look physically older than a year ago, i think this whole thing took it's toll in so many ways, and inside between my W & I there is this weird sadness sometimes I think at what we lost , probably the innocence of our marriage

 

anyone who says affairs are glamorous did not have the experience I had/am having

 

Matt

[signedin2008]

It's like I've come out the other side of a fog - I look physically older than a year ago, i think this whole thing took it's toll in so many ways, and inside between my W & I there is this weird sadness sometimes I think at what we lost , probably the innocence of our marriage

 

Matt

 

How is your wife doing (you never really talk much about her) now? Has she gain her self-confidence back yet? Does she still have those blank stare? Do you think she might still eventually leave you? What are you doing now to make up to her for what you have done to her and your family?