My Wife found out about me

[lysne]

One last thing. Stop taking advantage of the fact that your wife isn't about to change the locks right now.

 

10 to 1 if you just had a little bit of honest to god fear that you might lose her with this crap, you'd stop doing it.

 

But instead of giving you what you so richly deserve, she has offered you some generosity and forgiveness.

 

And this is how you repay her: pondering deeply in cyberspace about the "sexual feelings" that make it so very difficult for you to let go.

 

Addendum: Yes, you're right, Hard2Think, true forgiveness is a long road ahead, whatever she says now.

[Hard2Think]

.. and then said she wanted to know everything we'd done together. I told her what would be the point of that, I had hurt her enough and had no desire to do anymore of that..

 

This was one of the worst parts of the process. I hated it. But I suggest you tell her everything she wants to know. You won't like telling her, she won't like hearing it, but once she does, she'll deal with it and get it out of her mind faster. She'll fill any missing details you fail to provide with her own imagination, which is probably worse.

 

Hang in there ..

[mattym]

This was one of the worst parts of the process. I hated it. But I suggest you tell her everything she wants to know. You won't like telling her, she won't like hearing it, but once she does, she'll deal with it and get it out of her mind faster. She'll fill any missing details you fail to provide with her own imagination, which is probably worse.

 

Hang in there ..

 

Thank you so much

 

Can I ask - how did you expel the thoughts/feelings for OW? I know I am lucky my wife is giving me a chance but I can't just switch off like a machine, even though I know it's damaging me and everything else

 

Matt

[Hard2Think]

Thank you so much

 

Can I ask - how did you expel the thoughts/feelings for OW? I know I am lucky my wife is giving me a chance but I can't just switch off like a machine, even though I know it's damaging me and everything else

 

Matt

 

My case was much easier than yours. My OW showed up at the door and gave my wife a bunch of my love emails to her. That act made it easy for me to not want to see her again.

 

Yet only a few days earlier, I thought I was in love with her. I cannot really explain how I was able to switch off from one day to the next except maybe that I really didn't love her. I guess I was, like you, addicted to her .. for the sex, the attention, etc.

 

Whetever you do, though, don't ever let your wife know you're pining away for the OW. As it is, she's going to assume you are. I wasn't missing my OW at all, but my wife never really believed me. So anything you can do to show otherwise will be a very good thing.

 

There are some great books you ought to read on the aftermath of infidelity. "Not Just Friends" and "Surviving Infidelity" are 2 that come to mind. Also google "infidelity", and there are some great resources out there. One very good one is a downloadable PDF called "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" By Katie Coston

[luvstarved]

 

I always wanted to put my W and Kids first, always wanted to do 'the right thing' - is it so wrong that I felt 'what about me?' after a few years? Am i so evil for thinking i deserved something too?

 

 

LISTEN TO YOURSELF, MATT!!!!!!!!

 

Now you are again portraying yourself as the martyr for having stayed faithful in this marriage for this long!!!! What about you? You were SUPPOSED to marry someone that would work together with you to have each other's needs met!!! YOU deserved something TOO????

 

PLEASE explain to me what your wife got that you did not get.

 

You are saying pretty clearly here that you were not happy in the marriage and not getting your needs met in the first place. Now you have forced the situation with this mess.

 

You continue to be unfair to your wife every minute of every day that you think of her as "the right thing to do" while telling her that you love her so much.

 

It sounds like you are hedging your bets and the ONLY reason you are not out of there is because you are afraid the OW is in the end a "bad gamble" and you don't want to get stuck alone.

 

LISTEN everyone is entitled to what they want out of life. If you don't love your wife and do not believe that there is any chance of a happy, fulfilling relationship with HER, then you should get out of there for BOTH of your sakes. The OW becomes really a red herring in that case.

 

You keep saying you want to be honest but you are not really admitting that you just aren't and never will be happy with your marriage. You LIKE her, respect her, love your kids, blah blah but whatever else is going on, it is NOT enough for you.

 

The question is, can any person be enough for you after some time period. As things stand now, I would say not. A marriage does not maintain itself. You have to work at it, but the romance and sexual excitement can come back if you do work at it. You sound like you just want to run off with something else because it feels good now and trying to rekindle those feelings within your marriage is too hard, or you just don't know how, or you don't think it is possible.

 

Maybe your wife just wants the security, but giving you a chance makes me feel that SHE would be willing to do that work...

 

Your thinking is not very mature. And it probably won't be in another month or two either.

 

You really should print this thread and give your wife the honesty you are giving us.

[Sheba]

You want advice? Here is mine.

 

Leave your wife for the OW.

 

Your heart is not in your marriage. You are wondering about the possibility of a happy second marriage and imagining that fantasy. More importantly, you are here asking us if you don't deserve something "for yourself" . Since your wife has offered you the marriage and you are still asking, well, it is clear enough to me that the "something for yourself" you want for yourself is NOT your marriage.

 

So, leave your wife.

 

My first husband betrayed me. Not with a woman, but with drugs. He was caught at a time while my first child was still in diapers and I was pregnant. Like your wife, I was vulnerable and needed him and so wanted to believe his promises and claims. I went through hell checking up on him for a long time, then eventually started to trust him again and life went on. My innocence, however, was lost. 5 years later, I caught him again. That was it -irretrievably THE END. He cried and begged and so forth, but I was like a stone. I divorced him. His heart was not in our marriage either. His "mistress" was getting high, risking prison, jeopradizing our children and life and I had not one drop of tolerance left for him.

 

This is what I think will happen to you. Your heart is not in your marriage and your selfish wish for "something for you" will betray you too. Better to make a clean break now and let your wife get on with her life. Go find out what life with the OW has in store for you.

[Guest]

I was in this sick type of triangle. My husband left me and our children to move in with her because she is a lot younger and does nothing but tell him how perfect and wonderful he is all the time (we'll see how long that lasts!). She was no kids ether and at first she thought she was just going to take over my life. When that didn't happen and she realized that I was going to be a part of his life too (not just up and die) because of the kids we have together, she has come to resent the hell out of not only me but our babies. She even has called my daughter a rotten little*itch when my husband was not in the room and she's only three and a half!

 

I literally fear for my children when they are with her. I think she could end up harming them. She blames them for my husband not having money to do things she wants (buy a house, a boat, you get the idea).

 

The worst part for me is that I have to let this horrible woman near my kids because he doesn't seem to get how warped she is. I guess he can't admit to himself who she really is or he'd have to admit what a stupid decision he's made.

 

I've lost the person I thought was my best friend and partner over a selfish, mean-spirited, little girl. How does one deal with something like that? He was the love of my life and he's done a good job of completely wrecking everything that was important to me and him before he became this pod person.

 

I don't think he really thought he was going to lose me. He thought he'd still have me as a friend or something in his life in some capacity but he was wrong. When we talk it's strictly business. He's tried to get personal with me but I won't allow it. I can never be friends with him or have any type of relationship with him after what he's done to our family.

 

I know he's hurting inside, I can tell. He looks horrible and broken ever time I see him. I don't think things are all that happy in the love nest ether but it's no longer my problem. I have no choice but to move on without him. I've even started dating again.

 

Ask yourself if this girl is worth losing having your wife in your life altogether. That is what you are risking.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Many people go on to have happy 2nd marriages, and extended families, what if this is a blessing in disguise and 10 years on we all realise it was meant to be?

 

Hell I don't know

 

I read somewhere....

 

50% of first marriages end in divorce

60% of 2nd M's end in D

72% of 3rd M's end in D

[norajane]

Many people go on to have happy 2nd marriages, and extended families, what if this is a blessing in disguise and 10 years on we all realise it was meant to be?

 

Hell I don't know

 

You were in a relationship with your wife for 4 years before you married her...and look how that's turned out.

 

Do you seriously think you know what kind of marriage you would have with OW after only 3 months where the relationship has consisted primarily of a lot of sex and fawning attention? Have you even seen her anywhere near small children so you have an idea of what kind of step-mother she would be?

[Sheba]

Do you seriously think you know what kind of marriage you would have with OW after only 3 months where the relationship has consisted primarily of a lot of sex and fawning attention? Have you even seen her anywhere near small children so you have an idea of what kind of step-mother she would be?

 

You give great advice, Norajane, but don't you think this man has already checked out of his marriage? He is wondering if his relationship with the OW is "meant to be". He reads everyone's advice about how to avoid hurting his wife or the OW more than he already has hurt them, and in response asks why he doesn't "deserve something too".

[TogetherForever]

I think both the ow & wife need to dump his butt! Then he will see the light.

He refuses to make a decision, someone needs to do it for him.

MattyM, I'm not saying this to be cruel, but my goodness, you have got to end this.

Maybe you need to be alone. Alone for a long time to work on yourself.

???

[Ladyjane14]

 

1. When OW met me, she did 80% of the chasing. Told me she couldn't stop staring at me, how no one had ever treated her as well as i did, she couldn't believe when i complimented her i was talking about her, as no man had ever done that, and that she'd always been the one making all the effort in a relationship

 

2. OW went on and on about the 'what ifs' - we could have a happy life, a baby of our own, and together with my kids we'd be happy and live a happy life. It swept me along if I'm honest

 

3. Alarm bell - she told me every man she's ever had has left her

 

4. Alarm bell - when she was 23 she was living and engaged to a guy. She developed feelings for a co-worker and came home and finished with him, saying ' i shouldnt feel like this about someone else, it's over'

 

5. Alarm bell - the co worker I referred to went back to his GF

 

6. Alarm bell - 1 year later she hooked up with a guy who left his GF and 8 month old baby. She then got pregnant by him. She decided she couldnt handle a baby right now and terminated- they split up over it

 

7. She then met and had 4 yr relationship with another guy. He left her to go off alone, saying he didn't love her anymore

 

8. She then met 1 yr later a guy younger than her - said she never loved him and never mentioned love to him, he never complimented her and made her unhappy. That's when she met me

 

You know the rest

 

The rational part of me tells me No's 1-8 all the time

 

Please talk some sense into me. I don't want to crumble again when i see her

 

Matt

 

Well, you've already had quite a few people talk "sense" to you. How 'bout some science then?

 

You already KNOW, just based on your description above... that you're involved with a DRAMA QUEEN. (And Lord knows, that's more misery in the long term than any man deserves. Hell, I can't imagine you'd wish it on your worst enemy.)

 

But there's a REASON that you feel so fixated and obsessed, Matt. And it's got nothing whatsoever to do with who this girl is as a person. These compulsive feelings are coming from INSIDE YOU. It's just like an addiction. You see, speak, or even think about "the object of your affection".. and there's a physiological response. Your body starts releasing neurotransmitters like dopamine, and next thing you know you're HOOKED. It's the same principle as cocaine.

 

These responses are measurable in the brain by MRI, and even in the blood. You end up with what can loosely be classified as obsessive compulsive disorder.

 

Here's an article for you which will explain it all very well:

http://www.webmd.com/news/20010214/love-is-all-in-your-head----is-in-your-genes

And here are some excerpts:

There are three different types of love -- lust, romantic love, and long-term attachment -- each associated with different neurotransmitters, all hardwired into the brain," Helen E. Fisher, PhD, tells WebMD.

 

"Lust, that emotion that chases us out of the house and drives us to find a partner, is related to bursts of testosterone," says Fisher, a professor of anthropology at Rutgers University in Newark, N.J.

 

Romantic love, she says, is related to abnormalities in the neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine, making it biochemically similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder, a psychiatric illness where thoughts of a single subject dominate the patient's life.

 

Fisher has interviewed romantic lovers who tell her that they spend 85% of their waking moments fantasizing about their loved one. "In romantic love, we can't stop thinking about the person we're in love with," she says.

 

When you're in love, it's in your blood as well as in your head, according to research from the University of Pisa in Italy. Subjects falling in love resembled patients with obsessive-compulsive disorder in terms of neurochemical changes involving platelets, those blood cells involved in making blood clot and wounds heal.

 

{snip}

 

In romantic love, we feel elated and giddy, and can't sleep or eat, because of increased levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. "This phase evolved so we could distinguish between potential partners," Fisher says.

 

When we're in love, dopamine, nicknamed the "pleasure chemical," gives us a "high," according to James H. Fallon, PhD, a professor of anatomy and neurobiology at the University of California at Irvine.

 

"Dopamine is the great motivator in the brain that is absolutely necessary to act ... to walk over to the person we've just seen and start a more serious approach," Fallon says.

 

Dopamine can be stimulated artificially by alcohol and drugs. Along with other brain chemicals, it also gives us those physical clues that we're falling in love -- heart racing, pupils dilating, and a light sweat -- turning on pheromone production.

 

Matt... you're about to throw your family away based on an Infatuation. And "infatuation" does not last. It's only just a "seed". Love can blossom or wither, but just like every other couple on the face of the earth... this physiological response you're feeling WILL fade.

 

If you aren't extremely careful, you're gonna end up stuck with the Drama Queen you've described in your list above... while your wife and kids move on to create a family with someone else. That is, until the OW dumps you because you're no longer creating enough of the drama she craves.

 

The "Love Addiction" CAN be defeated. Matt. Once you recognize it for what it IS... it's not even as hard as quitting smoking. Cold Turkey is your best bet.

[GreenX]

I can somewhat understand the lost feelings you regained with the new woman.. it's easy to get sidetracked by the 'real world' and become so enveloped in the 'fantasy night life'. Then you need to stop and think that that is just what it is. A fantasy.

 

Think back, when you and your wife first got together. It's a cycle most every relationship goes through. I'm sure you guys were happy, sexual, didn't have any 'extra baggage' (kids, responsibilities, bills).. I'm sure everything was exciting, new, fun.. then life slapped you in the face when you started moving forward in your relationship - finances, new family, new responsibilities.. Now you have all these things going on that you accepted as did your wife. Things became 'routine', life didn't seem as exciting, you couldn't do things spur of the moment as you used to but with this new woman in your life it rehashed those things that you miss.

 

So here you are now.. leaving your wife in the dust while you relive your younger years, responsibilities aside - how fair for your wife. Leave her to deal with all the work in the family. What does your wife do? Does she have a job outside of the home?

 

This new woman says she wants to raise your kids with you, perhaps add another baby to the picture.. STOP RIGHT THERE - add more responsibility to your new found life. Another child is surely more responsibility. Bet you didn't look that far ahead, huh? Bet you didn't think that once this ride stops you will be right back where you are now with your wife, living the 'routine' of having/supporting a family. How can the relationship with the OW possibly be any different down the road than it is now with your life. Clearly you will have to maintain the responsibilities you set forth when you had children. You can not ignore them.

 

Think how awkward it will be when you are with the new woman with your kids and your wife will be in the picture no matter what because she has every right to still be apart of their life.

 

I guarantee the 'freshness' you are having now will dwindle down after time with the new woman and you will be back at square one when some other woman you come across gives you that look of lust, treats you good, makes you feel like a 'single, free' man again.. Rinse and repeat.. This new woman is not the answer. Counseling perhaps would be best for you right now - not even marriage counseling, tho, I would suggest that at some point but rather individual counseling for yourself so you can re-evaluate your life/priorities and find out what is most important for you.

 

Maybe you aren't the family man. Maybe starting the family you have was not the best thing for you, it seems that way at least. Or, maybe you need a life lesson (which this could very well be the one) to open your eyes and let you see that hey.. you can have what you want with your wife and have a family to go along with it.

 

No one said that being married with children should stop all the other good things in a relationship. You and your wife could still be super happy, sexual, spontaneous, what have you - you just need to figure out if you want those things with this woman after all this time. I think you do, I just don't think you know 'how' to.

 

Do you have anyone willing to watch your kids while you and your wife have a night out on the town together, or perhaps an romantic weekend alone somewhere? If you aren't able to do those things, what is stopping you two from doing something romantic in the house once the kids are asleep? Life doesn't end when children are involved. It only ends when you give up and give in to temptation outside the home - which is what you have done so far.

 

Regarding letting the OW go.. obviously it was difficult to even speak with her on the phone when you last tried so I'd suggest letter/email - you don't owe the OW anything.. the excuse of 'it isn't right' in that form is just BS. As was stated NUMEROUS times throughout this thread, the OW has known since the VERY beginning that you were both married and a father.. she acted anyways, therefore, screw what she feels, she had no heart to begin with. Remember, she is NOT the victim here, your family is.

 

I also would suggest finding a job elsewhere where this woman is not around. This will only slow down your process of rekindleship with your wife if you choose that route.

[mattym]

Well, you've already had quite a few people talk "sense" to you. How 'bout some science then?

 

 

Matt... you're about to throw your family away based on an Infatuation. And "infatuation" does not last. It's only just a "seed". Love can blossom or wither, but just like every other couple on the face of the earth... this physiological response you're feeling WILL fade.

 

If you aren't extremely careful, you're gonna end up stuck with the Drama Queen you've described in your list above... while your wife and kids move on to create a family with someone else. That is, until the OW dumps you because you're no longer creating enough of the drama she craves.

 

The "Love Addiction" CAN be defeated. Matt. Once you recognize it for what it IS... it's not even as hard as quitting smoking. Cold Turkey is your best bet.

 

Thank you so much for this, I think you're dead right.

 

I know my comments before have been interpreted as selfish. yes, i have been selfish- THROUGHOUT

 

When my W told me she knew, I wanted nothing to do with this girl - deleted her numbers out the phone, prayed to God I'd never met her. Then when I thought my W would stay, into my mind she crept

 

I didn't sit & plan to do that, that's what happened. if that means I'm selfish, then I guess I am

[Ladyjane14]

Thank you so much for this, I think you're dead right.

 

I know my comments before have been interpreted as selfish. yes, i have been selfish- THROUGHOUT

 

When my W told me she knew, I wanted nothing to do with this girl - deleted her numbers out the phone, prayed to God I'd never met her. Then when I thought my W would stay, into my mind she crept

 

I didn't sit & plan to do that, that's what happened. if that means I'm selfish, then I guess I am

 

Honey, people mess up.

Nobody's perfect. And something like this... well, as you read through more and more of the information about how affairs work, you begin to see that it's kind of like a fly getting stuck in fly-paper. It just pulls you out of your groove and keeps you mired in place.

 

But the good new is... we don't have to be permanently defined by our mistakes. As humans we have the capacity to learn, grow, and adapt. It's not always easy... but being the BEST person you can be is always worthwhile. It's the whole point to life, if you ask me.

[mattym]

I can somewhat understand the lost feelings you regained with the new woman.. it's easy to get sidetracked by the 'real world' and become so enveloped in the 'fantasy night life'. Then you need to stop and think that that is just what it is. A fantasy.

 

I also would suggest finding a job elsewhere where this woman is not around. This will only slow down your process of rekindleship with your wife if you choose that route.

 

GreenX, thank you. I've read this and other posts over & over last 2 days

 

Without wanting to sound mad, I have 2 conflicting voices i my head

 

One says ' This is your life you've built, don't throw it away and miss your kids growing up, having no money on a girl that has never been able to maintain a relationship'

 

The other says ' things can't have been right for you to do what you did. You've got a 2nd chance here, go for it'

 

Like I said, when I thought my Wife knew, the attraction for this girl plummeted. I just wanted to be with my W.

 

When things began to calm a little...it reared its ugly head again...

 

I think maybe I do need some counselling, I need to be strong and have my head on right - i don't want to be the reason my kids suffer

 

ONE OTHER thing that stopped me in my tracks - this OW has her own place and was always trying to get me to stay the night. She finds out that my W knew, and her reaction was ' what? you ADMITTED it?' and then suggested I go stay at my parents until it all settles down!

 

Not very supportive after I've potentially lost everything eh?

[norajane]

When my W told me she knew, I wanted nothing to do with this girl - deleted her numbers out the phone, prayed to God I'd never met her. Then when I thought my W would stay, into my mind she crept

 

You'd better get it through your head that your wife, by no means, has made a FINAL decision to stay with you. She is changing her mind every minute of the day. She is going through a roller coaster of emotions - depression, anger, fear, sorrow. Your actions now will ultimately make her decide one way or another whether this marriage and whether YOU are worth the pain she's going to have to go through for a long, long time every time she looks at you and thinks of you with another woman. She won't know for a long time whether she will ever be able to trust you again, or if it's just not worth it to live in the uncertainty that you could very well betray her and your children at any moment.

 

She has by no means FORGIVEN you. She is still in shock, and her initial response was to try and keep her family together. Once the anger sets in that you were so cavalierly willing to throw everything away without much thought, she may want to roast your balls for dinner before kicking you out of the house.

 

Do not be so complacent and certain that you know what she's going to do.

[GreenX]

Hun, I think you're just lost right now within yourself.. I don't think you want to be the cause of hurt for anyone, including yourself.

 

You said that once your wife had an idea about the OW it made the feelings for OW subside, you just wanted wife, then.. once things started looking more 'normal' again the feelings came back - that my friend is what is called having your cake and eating it too! Who doesn't want the best of both worlds? But, realistically, you can not have both and live a 'normal' life.

 

I hope you decide to seek some help because lets face it, you're not doing too good on your own trying to figure out what is best for this situation.

 

It's a start tho knowing that you can't live this way and that you do realize there is something most definitely wrong here - that you can not continue to live two lives and that you shouldn't be listening to two different voices battling about what you should do. You need to free yourself from the misery you have allowed to take over your inner-self.

 

I wish you luck

[fisherfool]

Can I ask - how did you expel the thoughts/feelings for OW? I know I am lucky my wife is giving me a chance but I can't just switch off like a machine, even though I know it's damaging me and everything else

A machine is not required. The thoughts must be real instead of the fantasy you have created in your mind and heart. The wife you married. You married for love? For passion? If the wife arose passion and love in your heart then still for her you have the love and must regrow the passion. Little children become much to the mother sometimes too much and they become forgetful of the creating of them. Responsibility for passion lies with both but the one who is missing the passion must be the one from whom it springs.

 

Many men forget the passion with their wives for a time and find it with another thinking the presence of the passionate thoughts and presence of passion with other means love of wife has gone. This is not true. Love can wither but not in such short space unless love did not exist in origination. Love can be killed by the actions you have taken but if your regret is true and you regain honor for yourself and passion with you wife love will rekindle and grow bright and vibrant more than has ever been seen in past and more than has been seen for mere months with other.

 

I speak from honest heart long history of passion much sorrow much joy all can be had by you and your wife for your long life as mine was had.

[mattym]

Hun, I think you're just lost right now within yourself.. I don't think you want to be the cause of hurt for anyone, including yourself.

 

You said that once your wife had an idea about the OW it made the feelings for OW subside, you just wanted wife, then.. once things started looking more 'normal' again the feelings came back - that my friend is what is called having your cake and eating it too! Who doesn't want the best of both worlds? But, realistically, you can not have both and live a 'normal' life.

 

I hope you decide to seek some help because lets face it, you're not doing too good on your own trying to figure out what is best for this situation.

 

It's a start tho knowing that you can't live this way and that you do realize there is something most definitely wrong here - that you can not continue to live two lives and that you shouldn't be listening to two different voices battling about what you should do. You need to free yourself from the misery you have allowed to take over your inner-self.

 

I wish you luck

 

Thank you for your kindness

 

Believe it or not, before this all happened, i was the kind of guy that people came to with problems, as everbody said I had it all together!

 

Guess that's maybe what OW liked, and wanted...and look what happened then

[mattym]

A machine is not required. The thoughts must be real instead of the fantasy you have created in your mind and heart. The wife you married. You married for love? For passion? If the wife arose passion and love in your heart then still for her you have the love and must regrow the passion. Little children become much to the mother sometimes too much and they become forgetful of the creating of them. Responsibility for passion lies with both but the one who is missing the passion must be the one from whom it springs.

 

Many men forget the passion with their wives for a time and find it with another thinking the presence of the passionate thoughts and presence of passion with other means love of wife has gone. This is not true. Love can wither but not in such short space unless love did not exist in origination. Love can be killed by the actions you have taken but if your regret is true and you regain honor for yourself and passion with you wife love will rekindle and grow bright and vibrant more than has ever been seen in past and more than has been seen for mere months with other.

 

I speak from honest heart long history of passion much sorrow much joy all can be had by you and your wife for your long life as mine was had.

 

I think you're right

 

On more than one occasion, i'd be sitting out somewhere with OW and see a family and think 'God, I should and want to be with my family'

 

Then I'd get home and hug them harder than i ever had

 

Yet, i still went back for more...

 

Why are we men so shallow?

[Sheba]

 

Why are we men so shallow?

 

There are plenty of men who are not shallow. Don't tar them with your brush, mattym.

[Trialbyfire]

Thank you for your kindness

 

Believe it or not, before this all happened, i was the kind of guy that people came to with problems, as everbody said I had it all together!

 

Guess that's maybe what OW liked, and wanted...and look what happened then

Yup, she's an opportunist and you let her get to you. Why in the world you would, if you think about your gorgeous family, only you know.

 

I do agree with the suggestion of therapy that another member recommended. It's not love with the OW, it's a need for external validation of self and the thrill of the secret.

[mattym]

Yup, she's an opportunist and you let her get to you. Why in the world you would, if you think about your gorgeous family, only you know.

 

I do agree with the suggestion of therapy that another member recommended. It's not love with the OW, it's a need for external validation of self and the thrill of the secret.

 

I think you're right- I need it

 

I guess what I had at home was so rock-solid that a 'harmless fling' would only enhance my life, not damage it

 

i was thinking only for myself, and in my fog i'm in now, still am

[norajane]

I think you're right- I need it

 

I guess what I had at home was so rock-solid that a 'harmless fling' would only enhance my life, not damage it

 

i was thinking only for myself, and in my fog i'm in now, still am

 

Yes, you are only thinking of yourself, because your wife feels plenty damaged right now. And your marriage is certainly not rock-solid - quite the opposite. Your marriage is hanging on a thread, your wife's shock. Once she gets over that shock, you'll realize just how unsteady the ground is beneath your feet.