My Wife found out about me

[mattym]

There are plenty of men who are not shallow. Don't tar them with your brush, mattym.

 

Sheba, I know what you think of me. I think it of myself half the time, but I came here for help, not insults.

 

Believe me I've called myself every name imaginable

 

Yet, even now, not all of me regrets it, because the past 3 months have been like a 'super-high' -its how I kick that habit and save my family and start thinking of them as No.1 again I need help with

[Ladyjane14]

 

Why are we men so shallow?

 

Oh... it's not just men who mess up.

 

Here at LS, you can get alot of insight from Hard2Think... although marital recovery in his situation has been severely hampered by his wife, who has stubbornly refused to seek counseling outside the marriage. Reconciliation is a challenging and difficult process, usually taking something on the order of two years to fully accomplish. But it becomes particularly problematic when a betrayed spouse isn't willing to address the marital issues which existed before the affair.

 

You haven't said anything that would lead me to believe that your wife is quite so hard-headed, so... working with a good therapist, you two will most likely do alright.

[Trialbyfire]

matty, here's an explanation of endorphins but used in the context of a runner's high. You're experiencing the same thing. It's the heady excitement of a secret, while at the same time, causes you stress, which ends up forcing your body to produce endorphins, sometimes called the feel-good hormone.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endorphins

[Hard2Think]

I think you're right

 

On more than one occasion, i'd be sitting out somewhere with OW and see a family and think 'God, I should and want to be with my family'

 

Then I'd get home and hug them harder than i ever had

 

Yet, i still went back for more...

 

Why are we men so shallow?

 

You're far from alone on this. I remember going through exactly the same thing. Anyways, infidelity is an age-old, common issue and probably always will be.

 

I think you need to stop beating yourself up for a minute and just try and figure out what it is you want, really. I'm the very last person on this board that'll ever judge you, believe me. But you'll have plenty of time to feel guilty for the next year or more. I know I did.

 

Whatever anybody's issues with morality aside, you really need to decide what it is you want so that you act accordingly. If it's the wife you want, and I sense that's where you'll be headed, then please download the PDF I told you about. It costs about 20 bucks and you'll get it immediately. It'll give you great insight on how to patch things up with your wife as it was written by a BS who reconciled with her husband. She explains what she needed, what worked, and what she wished he had done.

[Ladyjane14]

Reconciliation is a challenging and difficult process, usually taking something on the order of two years to fully accomplish.

 

Oooops! I made that sound like it was "all work and no fun". And believe me, that's not the case. Yeah, there are some really rough bits... but the rewards are sooooo worth the effort.

 

I've been married to the same guy for 25 years, and after we hashed some things out a few years ago... it's better than ever.

 

Don't be scared to face the music. There's nothing worth having that's not worth working for.

[Hard2Think]

Sheba, I know what you think of me. I think it of myself half the time, but I came here for help, not insults.

 

Believe me I've called myself every name imaginable

 

Yet, even now, not all of me regrets it, because the past 3 months have been like a 'super-high' -its how I kick that habit and save my family and start thinking of them as No.1 again I need help with

 

You'll have to understand that there are many BS's here who provide some great insight into what they went through and will be of great help.

 

But as you can see there are others that are still mad a hell and who use you as their surrogate WS since he/she is probably gone. Those I think you can sefely ignore. You'll get a couple of real loons here.

[mattym]

Oh... it's not just men who mess up. There's a forum specifically for WS's at survivinginfidelity.com, where there are stories from both men and women who are in various stages of recovery.

 

Here at LS, you can get alot of insight from Hard2Think... although marital recovery in his situation has been severely hampered by his wife, who has stubbornly refused to seek counseling outside the marriage. Reconciliation is a challenging and difficult process, usually taking something on the order of two years to fully accomplish. But it becomes particularly problematic when a betrayed spouse isn't willing to address the marital issues which existed before the affair.

 

You haven't said anything that would lead me to believe that your wife is quite so hard-headed, so... working with a good therapist, you two will most likely do alright.

 

Well, one positive was last night when we were talking she said

 

' I'm angry, but I know I can't punish you forever and at some point we have to put it behind us. I know we haven't done as much as we should as a couple and we should do that. If I ever find you've done this again though, i am gone. I mean it'

 

Now, how do I then say ' thank you darling, but how do I rid myself of the feelings for the OW? ' !!!

[Hard2Think]

..Now, how do I then say ' thank you darling, but how do I rid myself of the feelings for the OW? ' !!!

You DON'T!

 

Plus anyway, trust me, she's going to go ballistic on you soon enough.

[Trialbyfire]

You DON'T!

 

Plus anyway, trust me, she's going to go ballistic on you soon enough.

How in the world could you possibly know this? Do you know his wife?

[mattym]

You'll have to understand that there are many BS's here who provide some great insight into what they went through and will be of great help.

 

But as you can see there are others that are still mad a hell and who use you as their surrogate WS since he/she is probably gone. Those I think you can sefely ignore. You'll get a couple of real loons here.

 

H2T, thank you again. i was looking for a way to pm you, but can't see that on here

 

I guess, trying to think clearly, I always knew my life was here.

 

I've had time to move out and get with OW 100%, and I haven't taken the opportunity, so I guess it's time to choose whether to have my cake or eat it. What i don't want is the decision all made for me as it sounds happened to you...

[Ladyjane14]

Now, how do I then say ' thank you darling, but how do I rid myself of the feelings for the OW? ' !!!

 

You know, in my husband's case... I think in large part, he transferred those feelings to ME. And I can't speak for H2T, but I suspect it might have been a similar thing in his sitch.

 

I was leaving. I wasn't asking for a divorce... I was telling him how-the-f*ck this thing was going to go down. I was done.

 

And just like what you described as "snapping out of it", he realized that he was losing me. After that, I think the old "dopamine" response transferred to me in the form of whooshing adrenaline. He became focused on ME, fixated on what I might do.

 

I think Norajane is right. You're like a man standing on a precipice who doesn't really recognize the danger he's in.

I guarantee you that your feelings would be different right about now, if you were sleeping in your car tonight wondering how long it would be until your wife took another man into her bed.

 

The best thing you can do right now though, today, is to CHANGE your "inner mantra". You know, that little voice who tells you how exciting the OW is.... tell him to STFU.

And then replace these thoughts with sexier, more intimate verbiage regarding your wife.

[Trialbyfire]

until your wife took another man into her bed.

Not just her bed but your bed...

 

From the sounds of how amazing your wife is, it won't take long for her to find someone who will love her and consider her a sexual person.

[East of Jupiter]

Just one piece of advice. Grow up already! I honestly don't understand why it is so difficult to understand. You love somebody you put their needs ahead of yours. If you can't do that, yes, get the hell out and leave your wife to find a guy who knows how to really love a woman. You haven't said you love the OW, only that you are addicted to the feeling of excitement. That's not only shallow, that's cruel. To both women.

 

I'm stopping now because really I know I have little patience for the very selfish.

[whichwayisup]

To have PM abilities, either join as a supporting member or start working on your post count, reply to other posts in other sections to get your numbers up. It's a combo of amount of time on LS (atleast a month) and post count. (think it's atleast 50.)

 

You said one thing that you need to do - Get to counselling. Talking to a professional will help you gain the strength to make a decision - Whether it be staying in your marriage, or ending your marriage. The therapist will help you control the thoughts of the OW (that is, if you choose to end your marriage) and help you get over her, help you see what the affair was really about.

 

I know you've been hit hard with tons of information, advice, some good, some harsh - We all DO care Matt, and just want to see you happy.

 

I hope you decide to fix your marriage. Would be a real shame in 6 months or a year from now if you realize while you're with the OW, that you've made the biggest mistake of your life and wish you chose your wife and kids over the OW.

[Kasan]

Does the OW have the personality traits that made you fall in love with your wife..or are the women so completely different?

 

I wish you well.

[mattym]

Does the OW have the personality traits that made you fall in love with your wife..or are the women so completely different?

 

I wish you well.

 

I've thought about this

 

Both were unhappy when i met them. I wanted to 'save' them, stick on my red cape and make their lives happy.

 

For a while, when i first met my W, same as with this girl, they idolized me as I was their knight in shining armor

 

In my Wifes case, I got her away from family problems and financial worries. In OWs case an unhappy relationship and, according to her, gave her the first man who'd ever complimented her

 

OW said she wanted a man who 'treated me like a Princess' - which I guess I fulfilled

[Kasan]

So who is going to save or "rescue" you? Maybe a break from both would help you gain some clarity. Maybe a weekend away?

[East of Jupiter]

Sandi

 

Just want to thank you for that post. It's taken my breath away. Like a mirror of what's happening here

 

I tried to talk to my wife about how I'd felt over OW and how it had happened. i told her it wasn't because i didn't love my wife, - but inevitably in her eyes OW is just a 'sl*t' so that chat has just kind of dried up

 

I feel so low at the moment. I catch my wife staring into space and can tell it's on her mind. She's not eating properly and for my sake hasn't told anyone else.

 

Often i think i just deserve to be dumped and left on my own for what I've done to her.

 

I'm thinking of talking to OW tomorrow and ending it- any ideas how i do that with the minimum of distress to her? I have no desire to hurt her either

 

I have those moments of staring into space and I know my husband THOUGHT he knows what is on my mind.

 

I'm mostly thinking about divorce and how I am going to make things work.

 

I don't think my husband has the luxury of fantasizing that I am dying inside over him (isn't it all about the cheater?). That may be a byproduct of still cheating and not thinking straight yet.

 

Then again, my H doesn't have to guess what I am thinking as that phase of trying to keep him by sacrificing myself is long gone. Push a woman far enough, she gets there.

[East of Jupiter]

I've thought about this

 

Both were unhappy when i met them. I wanted to 'save' them, stick on my red cape and make their lives happy.

 

For a while, when i first met my W, same as with this girl, they idolized me as I was their knight in shining armor

 

In my Wifes case, I got her away from family problems and financial worries. In OWs case an unhappy relationship and, according to her, gave her the first man who'd ever complimented her

 

OW said she wanted a man who 'treated me like a Princess' - which I guess I fulfilled

 

And you think the women in your life have issues?

 

It is really all about you. You, you, you! Life is pretty grand when all one has to do is figure out what makes themselves happy, while others wait.

[Tomcat33]

How in the world could you possibly know this? Do you know his wife?

 

 

Because Hard2Think has been through it and what he advises is from experience, much like the advice a lot of us are giving. And which I may add has also proven to be COOKIE CUTTER given all the posts on this forum from both sides. Unlike you who advises from the limited experience of what happened with your marriage breakup which ended in D. neither you have the experience to advise how the cheater deals with the OP, NOR do you have any experience in what to expect in the marriage after D-day because yours ended in D pretty soon after, of what I have read on here.

 

 

Mattym, I caution you on the type of advice you follow here. Hard2Think might offer you some insight into what to expect and how you can get over your OW, as well as other BSs (Silktricks comes to mind) who have successfully worked through the A and succeeded. Just be alert enough that some people on here have creepy agendas.

 

good luck

[Trialbyfire]

Because Hard2Think has been through it and what he advises is from experience, much like the advice a lot of us are giving. And which I may add has also proven to be COOKIE CUTTER given all the posts on this forum from both sides. Unlike you who advises from the limited experience of what happened with your marriage breakup which ended in D. neither you have the experience to advise how the cheater deals with the OP, NOR do you have any experience in what to expect in the marriage after D-day because yours ended in D pretty soon after, of what I have read on here.

 

 

Mattym, I caution you on the type of advice you follow here. Hard2Think might offer you some insight into what to expect and how you can get over your OW, as well as other BSs (Silktricks comes to mind) who have successfully worked through the A and succeeded. Just be alert enough that some people on here have creepy agendas.

 

good luck

I advise from D-day to removal date of OW. That is within my experience. matty has been rolling around in the proverbial sewer with a woman of low moral fibre. He needs to get back to the level of grace his wife is living by. If that's giving bad advice, I recommend that you reroute your unhealthy thought processes and climb back to reality.

[whichwayisup]

Just be alert enough that some people on here have creepy agendas.

 

I think he's smart enough to see this on his own and sift through the advice.

And, if he wants to pay afew bucks, get PM privies so he can PM with H2T, that is HIS business, noone has the right to slam another advice giver and imply they have 'creepy' agenda's. That's just a crappy thing to bring up on someone else's thread. Stick to helping Matt and not bash other members. Just about ALL the Advice given has been great for Matt to read, it's opening his eyes and making him think.

[JustBreathe]

Tomcat.. respectfully... What is wrong with attempting to impart upon someone the benefit of your own experiences? How can it NOT be beneficial to look for advice or clarity from people who have been in the same boat?

 

The responses to Matt's posts sound the same because his situation is not unique. Read anywhere about affairs. His type of affair, that with a younger unattached woman, is very common; his reaction to his affair also very common.

 

All of the things set forth here probably sound like cookie cutter responses because his is a cookie cutter situation - but they are in fact the truth.

 

So many of us wish we had handled it differently. See clearly now - when it's too late to change things and so much has been damaged - what we should have done. That's all it's about.

 

It's hard to sit back and watch someone shoot themselves in the foot without saying anything.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat.. respectfully... What is wrong with attempting to impart upon someone the benefit of your own experiences? How can it NOT be beneficial to look for advice or clarity from people who have been in the same boat?

 

The responses to Matt's posts sound the same because his situation is not unique. Read anywhere about affairs. His type of affair, that with a younger unattached woman, is very common; his reaction to his affair also very common.

 

All of the things set forth here probably sound like cookie cutter responses because his is a cookie cutter situation - but they are in fact the truth.

 

So many of us wish we had handled it differently. See clearly now - when it's too late to change things and so much has been damaged - what we should have done. That's all it's about.

 

It's hard to sit back and watch someone shoot themselves in the foot without saying anything.

 

 

Sorry but I don't understand why you are making this comment directed at me, my advice IS from a place of experience and the of being in the same place. I have been attacked on her for advicing Matt to be civil with the OW and to focus on his W etc. And I get bashed because I am saying that he does owe the OW something, that is to end it in a civil manner? He did afterall engange in a rel. with her. And I know that given my own experience if he does not close the chapter proplerly he will be tied to her for a long time to come, much like what has happened with my ex.

 

and of course I can relate to the shooting in the foot comment, I feel the same way and am only thinking of this poster and the future of his situation when I say what I say.

[mattym]

Please don't argue among yourselves - I am grateful of ALL the advice that's been offered here

 

In truth it's restored my faith in humanity- how people can offer such candid insights to a complete stranger like me. Thank you, everyone

 

Quick Update - Phoned OW tonight, with W aware. I said to W I will see her, explain face to face that its over, i owe another human being that much courtesy after a relationship, which W seems ok with (so far!)

 

Said I want to see her to talk to her. her reply ' I'm going out tonight so I may be hungover tomorrow, so I'm not promising anything. I'll let you know' !!!

 

Do you think she knows what's coming?

 

I like the way I'm on here, agonising over her, and her feelings, and she's out on the town!