My Wife found out about me

[herenow]

Please don't argue among yourselves - I am grateful of ALL the advice that's been offered here

 

In truth it's restored my faith in humanity- how people can offer such candid insights to a complete stranger like me. Thank you, everyone

 

Quick Update - Phoned OW tonight, with W aware. I said to W I will see her, explain face to face that its over, i owe another human being that much courtesy after a relationship, which W seems ok with (so far!)

 

Said I want to see her to talk to her. her reply ' I'm going out tonight so I may be hungover tomorrow, so I'm not promising anything. I'll let you know' !!!

 

Do you think she knows what's coming?

 

I like the way I'm on here, agonising over her, and her feelings, and she's out on the town!

 

Is your wife OK with you seeing the OW alone? If so, she is a much better person than I am.

 

Also, it sounds like you are hurt that the OW isn't agonizing over what you are feeling. Why is that if you want to stay with your wife? I would think that her ability to go "out on the town" without thinking about you makes it easier on both of you to break off the affair.

[mattym]

Is your wife OK with you seeing the OW alone? If so, she is a much better person than I am.

 

Also, it sounds like you are hurt that the OW isn't agonizing over what you are feeling. Why is that if you want to stay with your wife? I would think that her ability to go "out on the town" without thinking about you makes it easier on both of you to break off the affair.

 

Not sure it's hurt so much as angry herenow. I've spent all this time agonising over to do this, how to rebuild my marriage, stop thinking such kind thoughts of OW and not hurt OW also

 

I get the impression OW thinks she can control me, as she is a free agent and I'm a MM, and she can see me on her terms only

 

In a way, more I think about it, angrier I get toward her - after all the pain there's been in this house since it happened, and she's just out socialising as normal...and I thought I was the selfish one

[Tomcat33]

Please don't argue among yourselves - I am grateful of ALL the advice that's been offered here

 

In truth it's restored my faith in humanity- how people can offer such candid insights to a complete stranger like me. Thank you, everyone

 

Quick Update - Phoned OW tonight, with W aware. I said to W I will see her, explain face to face that its over, i owe another human being that much courtesy after a relationship, which W seems ok with (so far!)

 

Said I want to see her to talk to her. her reply ' I'm going out tonight so I may be hungover tomorrow, so I'm not promising anything. I'll let you know' !!!

 

Do you think she knows what's coming?

 

I like the way I'm on here, agonising over her, and her feelings, and she's out on the town!

 

 

Matty I honestly think that is the best thing you can do for your OW's peace of mind, for the true recovery of your marriage and for stepping forward on an HONEST foot with some dignity with this whole experience. Your W is an amazing woman for alllowing you the opportunity to end things right, and I hope that you will use that gesture to your benefit and make every effort possible to honour what you have with her in order to see if you can make it work again and reach a point of mutual respect and love.

 

In regards to the OW, my guess is she knows. She may not be going out at all infact and may just be saying that to make it appear like she does not care out it to cover her own pain. Or she could very well not be that concerned, but I really doubt it's the latter. If you shared as much as you did she is prob scared and sees the end is near and wants to protect herself from what is coming up. People are not stupid, and women have a high intuitive sense for this kind of stuff.

 

Matt good for you for stepping up and doing YOUR part, that to me is what a real man does a man who accepts he has made a mistake and who is willing to face up to it. A small step toward honestly today can pave a whole new road for you.

 

 

For the record I was in a rel with a SEPERATED man for 8 months once he was living on his own, and he decided to move back in with his W. When she found out we were dating she confronted him and they had their blow out and he dumped me via email after having spent the weekend with my family and myself...because he panicked and he decided to move back in with her to save the marriage. That email was the worst thing he could have done to me and HIMSEL. he was back on my doorstep a month later begging me to take him back that he had made the worst mistake of his life and could not face up to rekindelling things with his W because of how he ended things with me and how he could NOT stop thinking of me etc.

You can read the rest of my story in my past posts but let me tell you this man has been nopthing but a coward on both ends and is running way from both myself AND his W and is living in hell right now because of his confrotation avoidance.

 

I certainly did not want that to happen to you Matty. I could see it coming and want you to succeed are rekindelling your marriage. I really do if that is what is in the cards for the two of you.

[herenow]

Not sure it's hurt so much as angry herenow. I've spent all this time agonising over to do this, how to rebuild my marriage, stop thinking such kind thoughts of OW and not hurt OW also

 

I get the impression OW thinks she can control me, as she is a free agent and I'm a MM, and she can see me on her terms only

 

In a way, more I think about it, angrier I get toward her - after all the pain there's been in this house since it happened, and she's just out socialising as normal...and I thought I was the selfish one

 

Matt, I will never tell anyone how they should feel. If you are angry, that's your choice, but she's a single woman and she can do whatever she wants. Hey, you did what you wanted as a married man. I think you should be happy that she is ready to move on. Maybe you don't have to worry so much about her feelings since it seems like she is just fine. Sounds like good news to me.

[herenow]

In regards to the OW, my guess is she knows. She may not be going out at all infact and may just be saying that to make it appear like she does not care out it to cover her own pain. Or she could very well not be that concerned, but I really doubt it's the latter. If you shared as much as you did she is prob scared and sees the end is near and wants to protect herself from what is coming up. People are not stupid, and women have a high intuitive sense for this kind of stuff.

 

So, he's trying to be honest and she's playing a game with him. This is just another thing about affairs that I will never understand. I would think that if she cared about him, she would be honest with him as well.

 

Or, are you saying that she is trying to avoid the truth? Either way, that's messed up.

[mattym]

Matt, I will never tell anyone how they should feel. If you are angry, that's your choice, but she's a single woman and she can do whatever she wants. Hey, you did what you wanted as a married man. I think you should be happy that she is ready to move on. Maybe you don't have to worry so much about her feelings since it seems like she is just fine. Sounds like good news to me.

 

Yes, but, strange as it sounds, I want her to be thinking about all this, as much as I am !

 

FFS, I'm on the brink of losing my whole life and she's out , maybe even meeting other guys? She knows the internal pain I've been in and she does that??

Maybe as someone else has said, she's got her married man, now there's no longer a prize to be got....?

 

I just thought she was more sincere than that, maybe I'm reading more into it. i dunno

[mattym]

So, he's trying to be honest and she's playing a game with him. This is just another thing about affairs that I will never understand. I would think that if she cared about him, she would be honest with him as well.

 

Or, are you saying that she is trying to avoid the truth? Either way, that's messed up.

 

My honest opinion is that, yes she's going out, but avoiding seeing me the next day as she knows whats coming and doesn't want to face it

 

I've put this woman ahead of my family, and she cannot spare time to talk about things with me?? I'm trying to be an adult and give her the courtes of a face to face meeting

[Tomcat33]

My honest opinion is that, yes she's going out, but avoiding seeing me the next day as she knows whats coming and doesn't want to face it

 

I've put this woman ahead of my family, and she cannot spare time to talk about things with me??

 

 

Matty no she is protecting herself, trust me on this a woman does not just shrug things off like that we are far too emotional to do that. If anything she is just doing it to make you do EXACTLY what you are doing not, to make wonder and fester and make you think she does not care. She is protecting herself.

 

there is pride involved here too. I can appreciate so much what you are sharing here because it is good to see how the other side is thinking. A lot of OW who have ended a rel have thought the exaxt opposite of what you are thinking, "to think he just shut his feelings out and I mean nothing to him" etc

It's really strange to see the dynamic and the exact patterns that happend on each side due to the mistrust that an A generates.

this site has helped me out a lot in that respect.

 

Plus the fact my ex has been so forthright in sharing how he was been feeling every time he breaks the contact and it is very much what you are displaying here.

[Tomcat33]

So, he's trying to be honest and she's playing a game with him. This is just another thing about affairs that I will never understand. I would think that if she cared about him, she would be honest with him as well.

 

Or, are you saying that she is trying to avoid the truth? Either way, that's messed up.

 

HMN she has NO CLUE he is trying to be honest with her. All she knows is they broke up a week ago so that he could speak to his W about the next steps and now he has not been in touch and needs to talk to her, OF COURSE SHE SEES IT COMING and is going to do what it takes to protect hereself. IT's not a game it's beating him to the punch to protect herlself.

 

He parted on the idea that he would tell his W they were through and now the OW is seeing that might not be the case. C'mon now who's playing games with whom? Ok great Matt is going to face up to her and tell it like it is now but the OW has no idea exactly what is going to happen....cut her some slack until seeing otherwise.

[herenow]

Matty no she is protecting herself, trust me on this a woman does not just shrug things off like that we are far too emotional to do that. If anything she is just doing it to make you do EXACTLY what you are doing not, to make wonder and fester and make you think she does not care. She is protecting herself.

 

there is pride involved here too. I can appreciate so much what you are sharing here because it is good to see how the other side is thinking. A lot of OW who have ended a rel have thought the exaxt opposite of what you are thinking, "to think he just shut his feelings out and I mean nothing to him" etc

It's really strange to see the dynamic and the exact patterns that happend on each side due to the mistrust that an A generates.

this site has helped me out a lot in that respect.

 

Plus the fact my ex has been so forthright in sharing how he was been feeling every time he breaks the contact and it is very much what you are displaying here.

 

TC how do you know that for sure? Do you know this woman? Don't you think Matt knows her better and shouldn't we accept that he feels she is telling the truth?

[mattym]

Matty no she is protecting herself, trust me on this a woman does not just shrug things off like that we are far too emotional to do that. If anything she is just doing it to make you do EXACTLY what you are doing not, to make wonder and fester and make you think she does not care. She is protecting herself.

 

there is pride involved here too. I can appreciate so much what you are sharing here because it is good to see how the other side is thinking. A lot of OW who have ended a rel have thought the exaxt opposite of what you are thinking, "to think he just shut his feelings out and I mean nothing to him" etc

It's really strange to see the dynamic and the exact patterns that happend on each side due to the mistrust that an A generates.

this site has helped me out a lot in that respect.

 

Plus the fact my ex has been so forthright in sharing how he was been feeling every time he breaks the contact and it is very much what you are displaying here.

 

But explain to me, I risk everything, nd she can just go out tonight, drink and laugh and forget all the pain I've gone through and the heartache yet to come? all the 'lets get married' ' I love you' stuff she said so often?

 

Christ this has made me angry

[herenow]

HMN she has NO CLUE he is trying to be honest with her. All she knows is they broke up a week ago so that he could speak to his W about the next steps and now he has not been in touch and needs to talk to her, OF COURSE SHE SEES IT COMING and is going to do what it takes to protect hereself. IT's not a game it's beating him to the punch to protect herlself.

 

He parted on the idea that he would tell his W they were through and now the OW is seeing that might not be the case. C'mon now who's playing games with whom? Ok great Matt is going to face up to her and tell it like it is now but the OW has no idea exactly what is going to happen....cut her some slack until seeing otherwise.

 

So, Matt owes it to the OW to see her in person and be honest, but the OW owes Matt nothing. Why isn't the same owness on her to do the right thing and be honest?

[Tomcat33]

But explain to me, I risk everything, nd she can just go out tonight, drink and laugh and forget all the pain I've gone through and the heartache yet to come? all the 'lets get married' ' I love you' stuff she said so often?

 

Christ this has made me angry

 

I don't know why, that is something you need to ask her.

 

Matt you risking everything is something that you need to face up to, this woman owes nothing to your family, you do. I understand how you feel but if you feel you have risked everything to be with her then why are you debating whom you should be with? why are you turning back now if you risked so much just to be with her? Did you risk a lot to be with her, or did you risk a lot to do what you felt you needed to inject whatever was missing from your life? Be honest with yourself when you answer that. and you certainly do not need to post it here.

Would you have married her?

[Hard2Think]

Matt,

 

Was the plan to see her at night alone to tell her this?

[Ladyjane14]

But explain to me, I risk everything, nd she can just go out tonight, drink and laugh and forget all the pain I've gone through and the heartache yet to come? all the 'lets get married' ' I love you' stuff she said so often?

 

This is a manipulation, Matt... designed to have you thinking about her and not about your wife and family.

 

Christ this has made me angry

 

And lookee here... it's working too.

 

I've got some chores to do, but I'll be back later to let you in on some secrets about how women have a hands-down advantage when it comes to manipulating a man's emotions.

 

In the meantime, stop acting like a big-mouth bass, leaping out of the water to take the bait.

[herenow]

I don't know why, that is something you need to ask her.

 

Matt you risking everything is something that you need to face up to, this woman owes nothing to your family, you do. I understand how you feel but if you feel you have risked everything to be with her then why are you debating whom you should be with? why are you turning back now if you risked so much just to be with her? Did you risk a lot to be with her, or did you risk a lot to do what you felt you needed to inject whatever was missing from your life? Be honest with yourself when you answer that. and you certainly do not need to post it here.

Would you have married her?

 

 

But, the OW does owe it to Matt to have an honest discussion with him. After all, she did enter into a relationship with him and made promises to him and all that. She did profess her love for him and told him she would marry him.

[Tomcat33]

So, Matt owes it to the OW to see her in person and be honest, but the OW owes Matt nothing. Why isn't the same owness on her to do the right thing and be honest?

 

Why are you twisting my words around? I don;'t know why she is covering up and deciding to go out instead of seeing him? My guess was that she knows things are not going to be in her favour and she might be covering herself by acting as if she does not care, how is that owing nothing to Matt?

 

my point was people deal with rejection in different ways. hers could be

"the I don't give a damn" act. I don't know I am not her. Me personally I care too much to act like I don't care, so people would read right through me.

[herenow]

Why are you twisting my words around? I don;'t know why she is covering up and deciding to go out instead of seeing him? My guess was that she knows things are not going to be in her favour and she might be covering herself by acting as if she does not care, how is that owing nothing to Matt?

 

my point was people deal with rejection in different ways. hers could be

"the I don't give a damn" act. I don't know I am not her. Me personally I care too much to act like I don't care, so people would read right through me.

 

Well then, if she doesn't want to see Matt, maybe he should respect that. Maybe it would be easier for her if he did break it off over the phone.

[annabelle75]

But explain to me, I risk everything, nd she can just go out tonight, drink and laugh and forget all the pain I've gone through and the heartache yet to come? all the 'lets get married' ' I love you' stuff she said so often?

 

Christ this has made me angry

 

She owes you nothing. She believed you when you led her on about wanting to marry her and spending the rest of your life with her and now she's realizing that it will never happen. You're focusing so much on the fact that you "might" lose your life as you know it and not seeing that you are ending the future she thought she would have with you. You are ending her life as she thought it would be.

 

Ofcourse she wants to put off the pain on of the inevitable. Who wouldn't?

 

You've made your choice and now you need to focus on the steps it will take to reclaim your life. Stop obsessing over what she is saying and doing. When she is ready to see you, she will. And if she just avoids you ... well ... doesn't kind of solve the problem anyway?

[Tomcat33]

But, the OW does owe it to Matt to have an honest discussion with him. After all, she did enter into a relationship with him and made promises to him and all that. She did profess her love for him and told him she would marry him.

 

 

I agree and do not understand why she would pass up a chance at that. Well maybe that was the reality check he needed to see the light.

You see why taking the honest approach, which is what I have been advicing him all along, is always the best way to go?

 

What if she is just a callous person who does not really care about him, by him confronting the situation rather than running away from it he not only does everything in his power to end things right he can also break free from her. If she denies him that chance then he can see it for what it is.

 

But realistically we have no idea how he asked to see her or under what pretext she thinks she will see him we don't know what was discussed she may be interpreting that he just wanted to "see" her to carry the A on too. Just speculating here....

[norajane]

Yes, but, strange as it sounds, I want her to be thinking about all this, as much as I am !

 

FFS, I'm on the brink of losing my whole life and she's out , maybe even meeting other guys? She knows the internal pain I've been in and she does that??

Maybe as someone else has said, she's got her married man, now there's no longer a prize to be got....?

 

I just thought she was more sincere than that, maybe I'm reading more into it. i dunno

 

I guess it never occurred to you she might have been going out with other guys while you were seeing each other? Are you even sure she broke up with her ex? How do you know?

 

You went home to your wife all the time, and had sex with her. Why wouldn't the OW also have a life while you lived yours with your wife?

[Tomcat33]

Well then, if she doesn't want to see Matt, maybe he should respect that. Maybe it would be easier for her if he did break it off over the phone.

 

well if that is what he decides now then that's fine he has every right to decide that. AT LEAST he made an attempt at going about it in a noncowardly way to end things with her, and he owed it to himself to do what is right for all. Which is ALL I have been saying all along. his conscience will be clear now that he tried to end it the right way.

That will help him in the long run. Guilt kills any hope at progress, it is a useless emotion a lot of people hang on to with dear life, it is pure

destruction. I just wanted to help him get rid of it now, in order to succeed on his path of recovery with his W.

[mattym]

She told me a few days ago that she was going out tomorrow night with friends. When I spoke to her tonight she said 'why not? I'm single'

 

I assume that was my que to say 'but you're not single, what about me?' or similar

 

Anyway my plan was to see her during the day the following day (Sunday) - not at night so no seduction opportunities or anything

 

All I said was ' the time has come for us to talk, I'm sure you agree'

 

It was her dismissive ' Im not promising, I'll see how I feel and let you know' - like she's doing me a favor by seeing me!

 

Guess she knows or thinks she has me dangling, desperate for an audience with her

 

I have been here, sitting wondering how i can do this and cause minimum harm...and yet while her life has not changed one iota, and mine is in tatters with years of rebuilding she's treating me like crap!

 

ARGH!

[JamesM]

mattym, I feel for you. Sometimes the stupid things we do lead to so much pain.

 

I am late in this thread, but I remember back a bit that you wondered how to get the OW out of your mind. As simple as this sounds, I would recommend that you focus on your wife. It has worked for me. No, I have never been quite where you are, but I can say that I have developed fantasies over women during marriage. Those fantasies have only come close to reality a couple of times, but thankfully, they haven't. But the addiction of that woman stayed in my mind for weeks even months. For me, I simply began focusing on my wife and dating her. The more time I spent with her, the more I realized what I loved about her. So, just a thought. I know this isn't some magic pill, but it can work. I do know that the more you see the OW, the more you will want her...especially since you know what she is like in bed.

 

Any man can tell you that those first few months of any relationship...dating or affair...are the honey moon stage. Ruining your family for a fling will be one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you feel that your marriage is over, then end it and begin life over as a single. Ending your marriage and moving in with the OW is a recipe for more heartache. Ending your marriage, solving your issues, and THEN dating will give you a greater chance at future success.

 

I hear your wife saying that she wants to continue and she forgives you. Expect this to change. Ladyjane has made some comments about this. I have an email friend whose husband cheated on her two years ago, and she has gone from forgiving him, hating him, loving him, being angry at him, etc. many times. One thing I hear from her a lot is..."how come I am the one who has to suffer while HE is the one who had the fun? Why am I still hurting while he had the affair AND has his family back? He got what he wanted..sex with another woman and now a wife who gives him sex whenever he wants it." I know that your wife will become angry at you many times. You will have many times that you will wonder if you made the right choice.

 

You will need to rebuild her trust in her. You have destroyed something you can NEVER have back, and that is a BLIND trust in you. Prior to the affair, she accepted your words as truth. Prior to the affair, she trusted that you were where you said you were. Prior to the affair, she never worried or wondered about you when you were gone. Now, everything has changed. She will question your every move, story, and word. It cannot be different. This trust rebuilding...if it succeeds...will takes months even years. My email friend still feels this fear/distrust about her husband, and it is almost two years since his affair. Your utmost concern at all times is to be certain that she knows where you are and can reach you at any time.

 

I am not where you are, but I do have some similar emotions regarding "fixing" women. I understand the feeling that you think after your OW met you, she "finally met someone who complimented her." Truthfully, I have felt the same thing, but it is kind of self centered arrogance. And that is not meant to be rude....I would feel the same way. (Incidentally, many men feel the same way when they use escorts/prostitutes. Each man feels that he is that special man who is different than the rest of her clients. But simply by his being with her, he is actually the same as every man she has been with.) But accept that you are not really any different than the other men in her life. She seems to like men who are committed to someone else. There is a reason for that. If you want to "fix" her, then move on and encourage her to get counseling and only "chase" men who are available. As you and I both know, her life will not change because of you nor will she change at all...unless SHE decides to. We cannot fix another person.

 

I question your needing to close the affair with the OW. I find it unnecessary. I question if this is for her or for you. Do you want to get some feelings that she still admires/loves/respects you after what you did? Or do you want her to feel better now that you have left? I think the best thing to remember when you close this affair is the feelings of your wife. SHE is the one who you should want to admire/love/respect you. Back to my email friend (who has helped me in so many ways to understand that a simple affair on my part could be so devastating to my family...and hence has kept me from starting one), this is one thing that made her angry. Her husband was so concerned about his OW and how she felt, while ignoring how his need to close off his affair was affecting his wife. She had a hard time with this. I think your wife may seem to be understanding about your need, but I also think that in the future this seemingly kind act on your part will be a point of contention.

 

I think that anything you do now should be reflective to your feelings towards your wife.

 

Cut off the affair. Focus on your wife. Focus on your family. And let the OW move on...she is a big girl. Not only has she been through this before, I am guessing that she expected it at some point.

 

Remember why you love your wife. Think back on your dating days. Compare the woman she was and is to the OW. Does this OW really have all of the qualities that your wife has?

 

Oh, and when you doubt whether you should have returned to your wife, resist every desire to cheat again. I can almost guarantee that you will have the desire to have an affair again, and since many men who cheat once will cheat again, your willingness to do so will be much greater than it was before you had your first affair.

[Cliche]

Wait, am I reading this right? Is the conventional wisdom of "no contact" when we ask in the OW forum how to deal with MM now being thrown aside because the MM demands his own answers? Why does he deserve that?

 

Maybe she will be able to move on better if she truly does not see him anymore. I think that's her prerogative. It's the advice most commonly given on here, and it surely is not necessarily manipulative (though it could be...but why jump to that conclusion?).

 

The OW is a human being for goodness sake. She is not a paper doll cut-out that can be brought out and played with by MM at his whim or shredded into pieces during an angry rage by BS. If she wants to be, let her be.