My Wife found out about me

[herenow]

Matt, I have to say this before I go. I think you need to take a good look on where you are focusing your attention. You haven't asked anything about how in the world you are going to help your wife trust you again. It's seems like you are taking her for granted and you don't realize what you have to lose. It sounds like you feel you are the one in control of the choices and you are a bit pissed off that the OW won't do it your way. Let me tell you that your wife has it in her, as does everyone, to make her own choices and if you aren't able to let go of the OW, don't be surprised when her choice doesn't include you. Just saying, but as always, it's your choice.

[annabelle75]

She told me a few days ago that she was going out tomorrow night with friends. When I spoke to her tonight she said 'why not? I'm single'

 

I assume that was my que to say 'but you're not single, what about me?' or similar

 

Anyway my plan was to see her during the day the following day (Sunday) - not at night so no seduction opportunities or anything

 

All I said was ' the time has come for us to talk, I'm sure you agree'

 

It was her dismissive ' Im not promising, I'll see how I feel and let you know' - like she's doing me a favor by seeing me!

 

Guess she knows or thinks she has me dangling, desperate for an audience with her

 

I have been here, sitting wondering how i can do this and cause minimum harm...and yet while her life has not changed one iota, and mine is in tatters with years of rebuilding she's treating me like crap!

 

ARGH!

 

Alrighty ...here goes. It's tough love time:

 

Time to get rid of the "it's all about me and how I feel" attitude. That is what got you in to this debacle in the first place.

 

Next, why is it bothering you that she is saying that she is single? I personally interpret it as her saying that she is "single" as in "no longer with you" (which correct me if I am wrong...is how you want it).

 

Instead you are interpreting it as her making a snide remark of her being single and you being married. What's so wrong with being married that you find it offensive? If I was your wife I would be insulted.

[annabelle75]

Wait, am I reading this right? Is the conventional wisdom of "no contact" when we ask in the OW forum how to deal with MM now being thrown aside because the MM demands his own answers? Why does he deserve that?

 

Maybe she will be able to move on better if she truly does not see him anymore. I think that's her prerogative. It's the advice most commonly given on here, and it surely is not necessarily manipulative (though it could be...but why jump to that conclusion?).

 

The OW is a human being for goodness sake. She is not a paper doll cut-out that can be brought out and played with by MM at his whim or shredded into pieces during an angry rage by BS. If she wants to be, let her be.

 

Bingo !!! She owes him nothing. He needs to let her get over how ever its best for her and if that means going NC, than thats how it needs to be.

[Tomcat33]

She told me a few days ago that she was going out tomorrow night with friends. When I spoke to her tonight she said 'why not? I'm single'

 

I assume that was my que to say 'but you're not single, what about me?' or similar

 

Anyway my plan was to see her during the day the following day (Sunday) - not at night so no seduction opportunities or anything

 

All I said was ' the time has come for us to talk, I'm sure you agree'

 

It was her dismissive ' Im not promising, I'll see how I feel and let you know' - like she's doing me a favor by seeing me!

 

Matt you broke up a week ago an have been NC so you could talk to your W about what had happened. She has been sitting on pins and needles all week probably doing her head in, read all the posts in the OW forum to see what goes on in and OW's head wondering what the outcome will be feeling gulity for wondering is what is hapening is right and at the same time extremely fearful of losing you.

 

Now that she finally gets to talk to you she is thinking maybe that she would pick up the phone and you would say "I did it. we are going to be together" or god knows what she has been anticipating and instead she hears "we need to talk" . She saw it comming Matt. She knows what's up and is prob. terrified of hearing what you have to say and her autopilot light has just gone off and she is full on in "I don't care mode" denial.

it's a survival instinctual reaction matt. men do that all the time you should know about that, how do you react when you are rejected? do you break down and cry and get totally emotional or do you suck it up and try to hide it? she may be doing the same thing...

 

you know her better than we do, use your judgement.

[mattym]

Alrighty ...here goes. It's tough love time:

 

Time to get rid of the "it's all about me and how I feel" attitude. That is what got you in to this debacle in the first place.

 

Next, why is it bothering you that she is saying that she is single? I personally interpret it as her saying that she is "single" as in "no longer with you" (which correct me if I am wrong...is how you want it).

 

Instead you are interpreting it as her making a snide remark of her being single and you being married. What's so wrong with being married that you find it offensive? If I was your wife I would be insulted.

 

No, i think she said that as if to infer that I had not made a commitment so ' had your chance and blew it' type of thing - maybe not, but thats how it sounded

[JamesM]

I question your needing to close the affair with the OW.

 

I wanted to expound on this. Remember the email friend I have? Her husband also went to end the affair with his OW. But instead because of his feelings for her, he continued the affair for three more months. His wife did not know until much later, but those three months for him were not fun. Because of his need to have her feel good about him, he could not end the affair. When he did, he did endure her anger.

 

So, my suggestion to you is to end this affair by phone. I think she knows it is ending. And that is part of her stringing you along. I also am guessing that if she thinks she has a chance to keep you...and if she still does, she will use every female wile available to her. Trust me, there are many.

 

Again, think of YOUR future and your wife's feelings. The OW will survive. She did before you and will after you.

[Tomcat33]

Matt, I have to say this before I go. I think you need to take a good look on where you are focusing your attention. You haven't asked anything about how in the world you are going to help your wife trust you again. It's seems like you are taking her for granted and you don't realize what you have to lose. It sounds like you feel you are the one in control of the choices and you are a bit pissed off that the OW won't do it your way. Let me tell you that your wife has it in her, as does everyone, to make her own choices and if you aren't able to let go of the OW, don't be surprised when her choice doesn't include you. Just saying, but as always, it's your choice.

 

 

Because unfortunately and what seems to be the ongoing theme in a lot of these cases is the H stays for the life not the W. The fact is they find ways to make it work is because they do not want to lose the life.

[Cliche]

No, i think she said that as if to infer that I had not made a commitment so ' had your chance and blew it' type of thing - maybe not, but thats how it sounded

I still don't get your anger. Because she's right, here, as well.

 

You did have a chance and a choice. And you chose your wife. Good for you. You truly sound like you love your wife. So go love her and leave OW alone. She's not yours anymore and she owes you nothing, just as you owe her nothing.

 

Really, Matt, if your mind is made up, then move on. Stop playing with her and stop hurting your wife.

[annabelle75]

No, i think she said that as if to infer that I had not made a commitment so ' had your chance and blew it' type of thing - maybe not, but thats how it sounded

 

And ...what is wrong with that? You don't want to be with her. You are dumping her.

[corazoncito]

Because unfortunately and what seems to be the ongoing theme in a lot of these cases is the H stays for the life not the W. The fact is they find ways to make it work is because they do not want to lose the life.

 

And on the flipside, in Matt's case, it seems like if he leaves his W, it's not really to be with this particular woman, but rather to escape "the life".

 

Matt, you seem in love with the idea of not being with your wife, not in love with the OW. How can you be? You hardly know her. You've dated her secretly for 3 months, not much time. You also seem shocked by the personality that is emerging now that things aren't going your way. Well, this is how she reacts under stress. You're finally, just now, starting to get to know the real her, not the idealized persona you have been projecting on her until now. Do you really want this to be your life?

[Tomcat33]

And on the flipside, in Matt's case, it seems like if he leaves his W, it's not really to be with this particular woman, but rather to escape "the life".

 

Matt, you seem in love with the idea of not being with your wife, not in love with the OW. How can you be? You hardly know her. You've dated her secretly for 3 months, not much time. You also seem shocked by the personality that is emerging now that things aren't going your way. Well, this is how she reacts under stress. You're finally, just now, starting to get to know the real her, not the idealized persona you have been projecting on her until now. Do you really want this to be your life?

 

 

oh wow 3 months? I didn't realise that. it is a bit soon to think this way but then again my ex and I had and emotional A for about 3 months and we cut contact and he moved out in month 5 month 6 we started dating and we dated beyond that for just over 8 months.

[whichwayisup]

She told me a few days ago that she was going out tomorrow night with friends. When I spoke to her tonight she said 'why not? I'm single'

 

I assume that was my que to say 'but you're not single, what about me?' or similar

 

Anyway my plan was to see her during the day the following day (Sunday) - not at night so no seduction opportunities or anything

 

All I said was ' the time has come for us to talk, I'm sure you agree'

 

It was her dismissive ' Im not promising, I'll see how I feel and let you know' - like she's doing me a favor by seeing me!

 

Guess she knows or thinks she has me dangling, desperate for an audience with her

 

I have been here, sitting wondering how i can do this and cause minimum harm...and yet while her life has not changed one iota, and mine is in tatters with years of rebuilding she's treating me like crap!

 

ARGH!

 

Ok, so is this the woman that you want to be with forever? Someone you are going to leave your wife for? She's playing you like a fiddle Matt, and you're letting her. She has NO committment to you, so ofcourse she is going to date others. You are married, so she isn't going to sit by and wait, not go on with her life.

 

But explain to me, I risk everything, nd she can just go out tonight, drink and laugh and forget all the pain I've gone through and the heartache yet to come? all the 'lets get married' ' I love you' stuff she said so often?

Cuz she isn't "inlove" with you. Maybe in the heat of the moment she is, just as you are with her - But is she the woman you can have long burning and growing love with that will turn into something real and deep? My thoughts are NO WAY. This OW is in it for herself, she couldn't give a crap about your wife, or the damage it does to your marriage. She will LEAVE you high and dry Matt. Listen to your gut, you KNOW, you see the red flags, yet you're letting your emotions take over, that lust, and can't think logically and realisticallly.

 

Question for you - HAVE you ended it with her yet?

 

You just have waaaayyyy too much concern for the OW. Maybe your wife needs to kick you out of the house so you can face reality. Problem with that though is, if your wife kicks you out, it may be for good! So, decide what you want and stick to it. You want your wife? Break up with OW NOW. If you want the OW and feel you have a chance with her, end your marriage NOW.

[whichwayisup]

Something else to think about - Reverse the situation and imagine how you would be feeling, how you would be reacting/handling all this if it were your WIFE having a 3 month hot sexual affair with her co-worker...A younger version of you...Think of that while you're obsessing about your OW. When does your wife's feelings come into play? Why is it sooo important that you don't want to hurt your OW (as your OW sits there treating you like crap, you lap it up like a puppy dog) yet your wife is left sitting there, dealing with complete devastation.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but wake up buddy! Get some one on one counselling in, call your Dr tomorrow, get a referral and GO.

[Cliche]

Something else to think about - Reverse the situation and imagine how you would be feeling, how you would be reacting/handling all this if it were your WIFE having a 3 month hot sexual affair with her co-worker...A younger version of you...Think of that while you're obsessing about your OW. When does your wife's feelings come into play? Why is it sooo important that you don't want to hurt your OW (as your OW sits there treating you like crap, you lap it up like a puppy dog) yet your wife is left sitting there, dealing with complete devastation.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but wake up buddy! Get some one on one counselling in, call your Dr tomorrow, get a referral and GO.

Or try one more scenario, imagine you are single and in love with a married woman. You feel you have an intense connection, she promises to marry you, and then one day, she tells you that she needs to work it out with her husband despite all the promises you guys made to each other.

 

Do you owe her the time of day?

 

Imo, Matt, you don't deserve either of these women, and the only person I see treating other people like crap is you.

 

If you love your wife, then don't ever talk to OW again.

If you love OW, then set your wife free.

Stop being so damn selfish. Really, I think it's time you put on your big boy panties and grow up.

[whichwayisup]

Because unfortunately and what seems to be the ongoing theme in a lot of these cases is the H stays for the life not the W. The fact is they find ways to make it work is because they do not want to lose the life.

 

TC, that is what the MM tell their OW. Unless you have FIRSTHAND knowledge of this, you're generalizing and assuming. When other people generalize/assume, you get angry at them, point it out to them and now you're doing the exact same thing. NOONE knows what goes on behind closed doors except the MM and his wife. PERIOD.

[Cliche]

TC, that is what the MM tell their OW. Unless you have FIRSTHAND knowledge of this, you're generalizing and assuming. When other people generalize/assume, you get angry at them, point it out to them and now you're doing the exact same thing. NOONE knows what goes on behind closed doors except the MM and his wife. PERIOD.

I agree with you, WWIU. It is as inaccurate to say this is always the case as it is to say it is never the case. No two Rs--Ms or As--are alike. I do wish we'd all remember that sometimes, but it's hard not to project our personal experiences. I'm as guilty of it as anyone.

[whichwayisup]

And so am I. It's just getting old here, people pointing fingers saying "don't do this, don't listen to that person, that's wrong advice...whatever and ETC..." WE all have done this and are guilty of it, but what is funny is, when someone gets called on it, they act all innocent and surprised, act like they never take part in stuff like that...Yet, they're the ones all over the place right in there causing the arguements. And, it's not fair to Matt to have all the sidebantering going on in his thread.

 

So, I'm sorry Matt. I'm just going to stick to listening to what you have to say and help you. With that, I know I may come off harsh - I guess I just don't want to see you throw away your marriage and family life for someone you barely know and only really "know" her between the sheets.

[discoverychannel]

As a daughter that has been a victim of a broken family that has been caused by infidelity on my father's part, I would love to flood you with insults and angry words. However, I am sure your conscience has punished you with every insult imaginable, if not worst than the ones posted throughout this thread.

 

Matt here, is obviously confused. Probably more confused than he think he is. Like you said, you're in a "fog".

 

I am very possibly wrong with what I say, as I am only an 18 year old girl who has never married before. BUt I can tell you being in the family that I am in, I have witnessed all the tears my mother went through ( i was only 7 at that time, don't underestimate your affair's effects on your kids) I may not know what was going on but in my head, but I knew that dad is the bad guy and mom is sad. Even up to this day I can never respect my father for what he has done. His relationship with me is damaged permanently. I love my mother and i admire her perseverence in staying in this marriage. Her only reason is because she wanted her children to have a "complete" family. I hate the fact, and sometimes even feel hatred toward my father, that he is still with that woman. How can he destroy this family and feel no remorse? I cannot judge how your kids will view and accept this, but think about this. tAKE a time out from all your own conflicts and desires. In the longrun, when you're retired and too tired from this "love" thing. Do you want your kids to respect and admire you, and have a good relationship with you? Or do you want to be with your girlfriend, who you prob dont have much passion for anymore by then, and have a distant cold relationship with your kids? A lot of the times, when kids grow up, they will create the same family that they grew up in. THey learn from example, and you are a living example to them. Even though they may not always follow your example, don't you think by being the best example you can be you are preparing them for the best possible mindset of happiness? How much love, self-esteem, and happiness your kids will have is DIRECTLY related to how loving their parents relationship is. It is your choice. YOu play a big role in your kids future.

 

Anyways It seems that you have already decided on stopping the affair and sticking with your family. But i don't think you are convinced of your decision in your mind. I just wanted to give you a possible perspective from your children.

 

It will be a hard battle indeed. DOn't expect your passion for OW to die instantly. Think about one of your worst break ups with one of ur ex. Did your passion for her die in a day? no.. it took a long time... possibly a year or more.

 

I dont think your battle is so much between your wife and the other woman. You have stated you love both women IF you try to decide between the 2 women you it may be a never-ending debate. What the battle is really about, is your desires and your morals. One one side is the desires of your heart and flesh, and the other is your morals and your love for your family. Your heart on one side is telling you "what if? what if?" but deep inside your mind knows that it's unlikely or even it does work out it will be a nasty road with a lot of price to pay (like possibly your kids relationship w/ you). I ask you... is it worth it? To make it harder you can't help but think about the excitement you had with OW. Your mind is leaning toward your family but your heart is obviously not listening. It is an internal struggle. Knowing that you must "do the right thing!" does not make it any easier. YOu know exactly what is reality and what is the right thing, but your heart is confusing you and trying to make you think otherwise. Making you feel like you're in a fog. The heart is treacherous and sometimes our best enemy indeed. You may always have the thought in the back in your mind "What if it did work out and I could've had something better?..." haunting you. But think of the many times when you listened to your heart and you regretted it? I think your mind is wiser than your heart and knows better. DO you want to let your heart lead you or your mind lead you? It is obviously easier to just put reality off and live in your fantasies. Slowly you mix it up and you think... maybe your fantasy is not a fantasy after all! Maybe it can be real. Or mayb your real life is just a fantasy, and you have finally found the real life. See the mind games you are playing with yourself?

 

In any case, I am just telling you the possible tactics your heart will use against you. Remember, you CAN control what your heart leans towards to though by the thoughts you choose to think. What you meditate on is what your heart will want. Try to meditate on having that wonderful relationship with your family and your wife. Think of all the times of feeling good and happy moments you had with your family. Think of all the romantic times you had with your wife. Remember what a great woman she is and work towards rebuilding that relationship. If your lust with OW pops up, fight it with the best sex you had with your wife. Everytime you win a battle with your desires, it will get easier the next time and your mind will grow stronger. I hope that you will have the mastery over your heart.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been here, sitting wondering how i can do this and cause minimum harm...and yet while her life has not changed one iota, and mine is in tatters with years of rebuilding she's treating me like crap!

You're never going to get out of this with your marriage intact until you STOP looking at how events and actions affect you and START looking at how they affect the people that you care about around you. With all due respect, I question whether or not you have the strength of character and emotional maturity to sustain ANY relationship, marital or otherwise ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[silktricks]

Is your wife OK with you seeing the OW alone? If so, she is a much better person than I am.

 

Also, it sounds like you are hurt that the OW isn't agonizing over what you are feeling. Why is that if you want to stay with your wife? I would think that her ability to go "out on the town" without thinking about you makes it easier on both of you to break off the affair.

Hi HN. I don't think I'm even a little tiny bit better person than you are, but it was OK with me, too. I think it's just a little of different strokes, and all that. But, the totally crappy way it ended up is what makes me suggest that face to face is really not the best way.

 

I haven't caught up on this whole thread, but saw that at first glance the OW is attempting to delay the face to face. That's exactly what happened with my H. Anyway, she was in town when my H told me about the A, and he wanted to delay the face to face until she was ready to leave to go back to her home. That was OK with me too (I don't want to get into all the why's and wherefores, as that doesn't really matter). Anyway, she could see what was coming so she created a "situation" that really made it impossible for him to tell her. (she was good at those "situations")

 

Instead he called her a few days later and told her over the phone. She was all OK about it supposedly... said immediately that she wanted to continue to be friends. He said, No, that's not OK, and commenced NC. Said no more e-mails, no calls, etc. etc.

 

For about a month everything was cool. Then I started getting calls on my cell phone (our provider had mixed up which phone was which, so she had obviously gotten the number from some friend of hers who worked for the company). Then she "accidentally" ran into my H at a place he often goes. (She lived in a different state - but accidentally ran into him in our home town.) He was polite but distant.

 

Immediately the e-mails started up. He e-mailed her back once saying that he would like to speak to her. She refused (again she apparently knew what he was going to say and would not hear it face to face). The e-mails continued as well as constant hang-up calls to our house phone (she finally gave up on the cell phone, probably cuz I was the one who kept answering it...). Finally my H sent her a curt note - polite but curt, and closed his e-mail account. The phone calls continued and continued and continued. After almost a year of this He wrote a fairly long note at that point and explained that the only reason he had written/met with her at all was because we were separated and he thought she was a nice person. but if the harassment would continue the legal system would be brought into it.

 

So my point is, being nice doesn't always work, because what is being said is not what they want to believe. Being pointed (and at times downright hard) does work.

[Ladyjane14]

Quick Update - Phoned OW tonight, with W aware. I said to W I will see her, explain face to face that its over, i owe another human being that much courtesy after a relationship, which W seems ok with (so far!)

 

Said I want to see her to talk to her. her reply ' I'm going out tonight so I may be hungover tomorrow, so I'm not promising anything. I'll let you know' !!!

 

Do you think she knows what's coming?

 

I like the way I'm on here, agonising over her, and her feelings, and she's out on the town!

 

 

Geez... I'm like Bill Nye the Science Guy today.

But here's another article for you... type into your browser "big boys don't cry, reader's digest". And here's an excerpt for you of the most pertinent bit:

"Men are hard-wired differently," says David Powell, PhD, president of the International Center for Health Concerns, who explains that the connection between the left brain, home of logic, and the right, the seat of emotions, is much greater in women. "Women have the equivalent of an interstate highway, so they move readily between the right and left brains. For men the connection is like a meandering country lane, so we don't have such ready access to feelings."

 

This may explain why, in 125 studies in various cultures, boys and men were consistently less accurate at interpreting unspoken messages in gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice. Men also react less intensely to emotions -- and forget them faster.

What that means Matt, is that in an emotional confrontation... any average woman can 'spin you on your head like a top'. It's not that women are emotionally deeper than men... it's just that we've got better access to our tools.

 

Now... this girl is "working" you. Her words and actions are designed to elicit your response. She's already tried the "I'm your REAL friend" gambit, by sending you home and oh-so-nobly giving you a week to work on your marriage. This was followed by the "Make him jealous" routine which you're seeing tonight.

 

Next on the hit parade, in random order, will be....

* a minor play for your sympathy to test the waters,

* declarations of love accompanied by outpourings of grief (usually presented with pretty tears),

* some kind of personal crisis or emergency,

* and an angry tirade where you'll be verbally emasculated and accused of tucking your tail between your legs and running home to "Mama".

 

ALL these things are designed to push you out of your comfort zone, produce guilt, and keep your mind focused on her. It's not magic that I can predict all that for you, Matt. It's just basic woman-knowledge, (but I admit Drama Queens are actually more predictable than most).

 

Meanwhile, I want to talk to you about your wife's "permission" to end this thing face-to-face with OW.

 

Most often, the knee-jerk reaction of a newly betrayed spouse is to try to "fix" the relationship at all costs. She's giving more than she can afford to spare in an effort to bridge the gap between the two of you right now. In effect, writing checks her ass might not actually be able to cash. But... bills always have a way of wanting to be paid in the end. And in time, this one will come due as well.

 

Dr. Harley presents it as a "Love Bank". Partners make deposits and they take withdrawals from one another. The affair was a HUGE withdrawal, and your wife is so shocked by the enormity of it, she hasn't had time to absorb how big it is. But don't think for even one minute that you're not compounding your debt by meeting privately with OW, even though your wife has given you permission. Don't think you're not taking another big withdrawal, because you are.

Unfortunately, you're spending at such and exorbitant rate, you could bust the bank before either of you are even aware of it.

 

It's been suggested to you that you REALLY sit down and try to picture the shoe being on the other foot in this situation. I sincerely hope you'll do that. I want you to imagine some other guy f*cking your wife for three months and how you'd feel rattling around the house knowing that she's gone to meet with him alone. I want you to REALLY feel it, moment by moment... wondering what they're saying, if he's kissing her, if she's sucking his d*ck one last time for old time's sake. It feels ugly, doesn't it?

 

You've had alot of responses on this thread. Not every thread reaches a post count as high as this one in just a couple of days. I think maybe that's because you're running full-tilt into a brick wall that you can't seem to see. So many folks on the sidelines are screaming for you to stop before you go splat... but you just seem to keep right on going.

 

I've got all sorts of pointers to share with you for repairing your marriage, and I know lots of other folks do to... but as HereNow pointed out, you haven't even asked yet. And brother... is time ever wasting.

You've got less opportunity to pull this out of the ditch every minute that passes with your wife not knowing she's your absolute priority.

[Ladyjane14]

Back to my email friend (who has helped me in so many ways to understand that a simple affair on my part could be so devastating to my family...and hence has kept me from starting one), this is one thing that made her angry. Her husband was so concerned about his OW and how she felt, while ignoring how his need to close off his affair was affecting his wife. She had a hard time with this. I think your wife may seem to be understanding about your need, but I also think that in the future this seemingly kind act on your part will be a point of contention.

 

This is a great example of how the bill comes due. It's just so hard for a newly betrayed spouse to sort all this stuff out on the fly. But EVERYTHING having to do with the affair is eventually analyzed in minute detail. And something like this... well, it ends up as a big-ticket item.

 

I question your needing to close the affair with the OW. I find it unnecessary. I question if this is for her or for you. Do you want to get some feelings that she still admires/loves/respects you after what you did?

 

I agree. What's the point of eliciting those kinds of feelings when you have no intention of reciprocating them? It seems like just another opportunity for a couple of addicts to get a fix. "Closure" comes from within. It's not something you can get from anybody else. It's not something you can give to anybody else either.

[herenow]

I just wanted to point out that some of us are assuming that Matt really loves his wife because that is what he is telling us (I know I did). Now, I believe his words are telling us something very different. It's possible that Matt is keeping his marriage together because that is the course that he feels will be the most acceptable.

 

I think that if he loved the OW, the choice would be clear. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would walk away from an OW he really loved. But, his ego is hurt that she doesn't seem to love him as much as she proclaimed. That doesn't mean he loves her, I think he just wants the ego feed of her love.

 

I'm not sure he really loves his wife either. He seems very lost to me not really knowing what he wants. It may be best for all involved if Matt spends some time with just himself. It's really unfair to stay in marriage because it's the course of least resistance. I also think Matt is a conflict avoider and doesn't want anyone to think he's a bad guy. Also, some people see getting a divorce as them being a failure. Matt may not want to be seen in that light.

 

Just something to think about. Gotta go, see ya all next week. Have a great weekend.

[annabelle75]

I just wanted to point out that some of us are assuming that Matt really loves his wife because that is what he is telling us (I know I did). Now, I believe his words are telling us something very different. It's possible that Matt is keeping his marriage together because that is the course that he feels will be the most acceptable.

 

I think that if he loved the OW, the choice would be clear. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would walk away from an OW he really loved. But, his ego is hurt that she doesn't seem to love him as much as she proclaimed. That doesn't mean he loves her, I think he just wants the ego feed of her love.

 

I'm not sure he really loves his wife either. He seems very lost to me not really knowing what he wants. It may be best for all involved if Matt spends some time with just himself. It's really unfair to stay in marriage because it's the course of least resistance. I also think Matt is a conflict avoider and doesn't want anyone to think he's a bad guy. Also, some people see getting a divorce as them being a failure. Matt may not want to be seen in that light.

 

Just something to think about. Gotta go, see ya all next week. Have a great weekend.

 

I agree with you on this. I'm not so sure he's really in love with his W or his OW.

[smoochygirl]

Because Hard2Think has been through it and what he advises is from experience, much like the advice a lot of us are giving. And which I may add has also proven to be COOKIE CUTTER given all the posts on this forum from both sides. Unlike you who advises from the limited experience of what happened with your marriage breakup which ended in D. neither you have the experience to advise how the cheater deals with the OP, NOR do you have any experience in what to expect in the marriage after D-day because yours ended in D pretty soon after, of what I have read on here.

 

 

Mattym, I caution you on the type of advice you follow here. Hard2Think might offer you some insight into what to expect and how you can get over your OW, as well as other BSs (Silktricks comes to mind) who have successfully worked through the A and succeeded. Just be alert enough that some people on here have creepy agendas.

 

good luck

 

TC i just want to remind you that H2T wife and situation is a lot different from Mattym, H2T seems to have a lot of problem in his marital relationship, his wife seems like a brat while mattym claim to have a good wife and a happy marital relationship.