My Wife found out about me

[Tomcat33]

I just wanted to point out that some of us are assuming that Matt really loves his wife because that is what he is telling us (I know I did). Now, I believe his words are telling us something very different. It's possible that Matt is keeping his marriage together because that is the course that he feels will be the most acceptable.

 

I think that if he loved the OW, the choice would be clear. He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would walk away from an OW he really loved. But, his ego is hurt that she doesn't seem to love him as much as she proclaimed. That doesn't mean he loves her, I think he just wants the ego feed of her love.

 

I'm not sure he really loves his wife either. He seems very lost to me not really knowing what he wants. It may be best for all involved if Matt spends some time with just himself. It's really unfair to stay in marriage because it's the course of least resistance. I also think Matt is a conflict avoider and doesn't want anyone to think he's a bad guy. Also, some people see getting a divorce as them being a failure. Matt may not want to be seen in that light.

 

Just something to think about. Gotta go, see ya all next week. Have a great weekend.

 

 

I agree with this too. If Matt is indeed like that, and I am not saying he is, he reminds me of my ex a LOT.

However the reason he is so lost is because this is so fresh. The first three months of any rel are very intense there is not much room for reality and the in-love feeling is his reality right now. In his defense, he is acting from a place that in and of itself creates a lot of extreme volatile emotions. We should take that into account before we accuse him of things that may not be like the REAL him at all.

[norajane]

Mattym should be happy because of all the attention he gets here a lot of people are trying to talk him out of a bad decision he will make. He came here for advice same as most of us. Just forget the BS or OW, We all came here because we are suppose to be giving and receiving advices weather it is harsh or just tough love.

 

Yes, matty should be grateful for all 300+ posts in this thread - that's a lot of caring from strangers!

 

Just looking at the other threads on the first page of the infidelity forum, most posters who are in much pain only get a handful of replies, maybe some running to 2 or 3 pages at most.

[Tomcat33]

Yes, matty should be grateful for all 300+ posts in this thread - that's a lot of caring from strangers!

 

Just looking at the other threads on the first page of the infidelity forum, most posters who are in much pain only get a handful of replies, maybe some running to 2 or 3 pages at most.

 

 

Well it's rare that a cheater would actually post on here and when they do it creates a lot of attention. I found this thread extremely insightful on many levels.

[norajane]

Well it's rare that a cheater would actually post on here and when they do it creates a lot of attention. I found this thread extremely insightful on many levels.

 

Agreed.

 

Still...it's interesting that the cheater gets all this attention from everyone here, just like the cheater gets the attention from both the OP and the spouse. Mirrors real life, doesn't it? It's all about him, even here, while those who are crushed on either end get short shrift.

[luvstarved]

Well this thread has gotten a little out of hand but here I am jumping back into the fray myself.

 

Look, everyone is selfish. In the end, we all do what we do to make ourselves feel good.

 

But most people feel good when they make others feel good. Most people get gratification out of both giving and receiving. Matt only gets gratification from receiving. Most people care about other people's feelings. Matt only cares about how other people see him and how other people make him feel.

 

I am not going to rehash all his posts. Reread them yourself. He thinks about the OW and not his wife, even while telling his wife he loves her. When the OW isn't upset enough, though, he gets angry. He goes on and on about his feelings and his sacrifices and what he wants and what he might have to give up and the undercurrent when regarding both women is their lack of understanding and appreciation for him (and his pain) and whether he really wants them or not. Meanwhile, doing everything he can to keep both of them emotionally attached to him while claiming to not want to hurt them.

 

Anybody can fall to temptation. Anybody can be temporarily blinded by the "drug" of someone new. It's not admirable, but good people make colossal mistakes, too.

 

But in a workable relationship, you have to at some point want to please other people just for the sake of it, and you have to at some point give a s**T about other people's feelings.

 

Matt cannot work this out because the only scenario that would make him happy would be for his wife and the OW to let him have it all. He wants the stability with his wife and the excitement with the OW. He cannot conceive of a scenario in which he could find both with just one of them.

 

The problem is, he will not be able to find any one person that he can be happy with. Because eventually, their pesky little needs will come into the equation and he will be expected to give. And he will be expected to give without resentment and without massive ego strokes in return. And that is just no fun for him.

 

I would like to chalk this up to immaturity for him, but I am more inclined to believe it is a personality defect. I don't see how he has anything to offer in a relationship as things stand now.

[East of Jupiter]

Agreed.

 

Still...it's interesting that the cheater gets all this attention from everyone here, just like the cheater gets the attention from both the OP and the spouse. Mirrors real life, doesn't it? It's all about him, even here, while those who are crushed on either end get short shrift.

 

Having just brushed up on my reading, I am reminded of the narcissist. I've been researching to see if it fits my husband but it doesn't.

 

But it seems to me that people in general become very narcissistic when in affairyland.

 

This guy is not saying anything I have not head before over and over again. He is just feeling very special right now. The universe is revolving around him. It's all about his needs and his desires and his decision and poor baby, it's just so difficult isn't it? Cheating and lying on your wife, using an OW until he knows what is best for him. I bet his wife is wondering when it will be her turn to be loved and her feelings to matter and her life that counts.

 

300 plus post and it can all be concluded with one word: selfish. When in that mode, people are not listening or interested in anything that does not support their thinking or plan. <shrug>

 

His wife will find out eventually. I hope she finds the same level of support he has garnered here.

[Guest]

Hi Matt,

First of all I think its great that you are so honest, and I hope you can be honest with your wife and your mistress as well.

My fiance had several affairs,but wont admit to it, and I think the first step is to fully admit it.

And I think it is good you can see that your wife deserves to be loved fully by someone else, instead of being possesive of her.

there are ways to spice up a marriage, but if you cant forget the other women, you need to leave your wife. Maybe you will be happier with the other women, maybe not. You, yourself only know. And it would never work to continue with both, would you like your wife to have someone else on the side, I am sure the answer is no.

But anyways, thank you for being honest, thank you for knowing that it isnt ok to continue this way. I wish you the best in making a decision, and I hope your wife is strong and her self image isnt too destroyed by your actions.

[East of Jupiter]

But in a workable relationship, you have to at some point want to please other people just for the sake of it, and you have to at some point give a s**T about other people's feelings.

 

Matt cannot work this out because the only scenario that would make him happy would be for his wife and the OW to let him have it all. He wants the stability with his wife and the excitement with the OW. He cannot conceive of a scenario in which he could find both with just one of them.

 

The problem is, he will not be able to find any one person that he can be happy with. Because eventually, their pesky little needs will come into the equation and he will be expected to give. And he will be expected to give without resentment and without massive ego strokes in return. And that is just no fun for him.

 

I would like to chalk this up to immaturity for him, but I am more inclined to believe it is a personality defect. I don't see how he has anything to offer in a relationship as things stand now.

 

 

Elementary my dear Watson!

 

After many years of trying to understand, I'm at the point when things are starting to become very clear.

 

Reading this thread has further helped. Seeing the egocentricity in full bloom is a gift of understanding beyond words.

 

Thanks to all.

[fisherfool]

Matt. I wish to tell you that it is not wrong to have selfishness some. It is not wrong to think of what you want when making decision of life. If you think not of your desires your choice will not be long made. I am sorry my writing is so difficult. My speech is clear and thoughts are clear the writing is hard.

 

The thoughts you spoke in beginning of thread spoke of not leaving wife, having good life but liking exciting time of other. Excitement an important part of life but if want wife must find excitement with her.

[norajane]

Matt cannot work this out because the only scenario that would make him happy would be for his wife and the OW to let him have it all. He wants the stability with his wife and the excitement with the OW. He cannot conceive of a scenario in which he could find both with just one of them.

 

The problem is, he will not be able to find any one person that he can be happy with. Because eventually, their pesky little needs will come into the equation and he will be expected to give. And he will be expected to give without resentment and without massive ego strokes in return. And that is just no fun for him.

 

The saddest thing to me is he has barely mentioned his two children...babies, really. They've only been married 3 years, so the eldest can't be much more than 2, if that.

 

He doesn't mention taking care of them, he doesn't mention cuddling with them, he doesn't mention how his wife is coping with the little ones while dealing with her pain, he doesn't mention how he feels knowing he's put their home life in jeopardy, he doesn't mention how afraid he is his wife might decide to divorce and he'll end up as weekend dad, he doesn't mention them...except, of course, as part of the OW/step-mom fantasy, and then using them as an excuse to the OW for breaking up with her.

 

He doesn't even mention how those babies have had a role in his discontent. How his wife has been pregnant for half their marriage, and probably has been consumed with taking care of them, which is why she didn't quite have the energy to devote to being matty's ego-support. How she might be exhausted with middle of the night feedings and diapers and laundry, and maybe she's feeling like her body has changed since the pregnancies, so she's not all ready to be his sex goddess at the moment, either. He doesn't mention how she has no time to compliment him and admire him when he comes home from work, because she is grateful just to get that time to take a shower.

 

If he has such a savior complex, which he claimed is why he was at first interested in his wife, and then his OW, why hasn't he opened his eyes and seen maybe his wife could use a little saving right now? Maybe SHE is starved for admiration and affection and attention? Maybe SHE could do with a romantic evening away just the two of them with no kids to worry about?

 

And maybe his little kids need a savior, too, in the form of a daddy who is focused on giving them some attention, instead of giving his time and presence to a woman outside his marriage.

 

I hope he can emerge from this affair fog a little wiser and realize that he has to GIVE in order to RECEIVE.

[Trialbyfire]

The saddest thing to me is he has barely mentioned his two children...babies, really. They've only been married 3 years, so the eldest can't be much more than 2, if that.

 

He doesn't mention taking care of them, he doesn't mention cuddling with them, he doesn't mention how his wife is coping with the little ones while dealing with her pain, he doesn't mention how he feels knowing he's put their home life in jeopardy, he doesn't mention how afraid he is his wife might decide to divorce and he'll end up as weekend dad, he doesn't mention them...except, of course, as part of the OW/step-mom fantasy, and then using them as an excuse to the OW for breaking up with her.

 

He doesn't even mention how those babies have had a role in his discontent. How his wife has been pregnant for half their marriage, and probably has been consumed with taking care of them, which is why she didn't quite have the energy to devote to being matty's ego-support. How she might be exhausted with middle of the night feedings and diapers and laundry, and maybe she's feeling like her body has changed since the pregnancies, so she's not all ready to be his sex goddess at the moment, either. He doesn't mention how she has no time to compliment him and admire him when he comes home from work, because she is grateful just to get that time to take a shower.

 

If he has such a savior complex, which he claimed is why he was at first interested in his wife, and then his OW, why hasn't he opened his eyes and seen maybe his wife could use a little saving right now? Maybe SHE is starved for admiration and affection and attention? Maybe SHE could do with a romantic evening away just the two of them with no kids to worry about?

 

And maybe his little kids need a savior, too, in the form of a daddy who is focused on giving them some attention, instead of giving his time and presence to a woman outside his marriage.

 

I hope he can emerge from this affair fog a little wiser and realize that he has to GIVE in order to RECEIVE.

This is why I mentioned previously that his family unit appear to be invisible compared to his needs and that he needs to man up, in order to raise himself to the level that his wife is living. I most certainly wasn't as eloquent about it as you have expressed here.

 

matty, you need to read this over and over again. You need to understand the harm you and the OW are causing your family, the people who should be mattering more to you than something on the side.

[Tomcat33]

This guy is not saying anything I have not head before over and over again. He is just feeling very special right now. The universe is revolving around him. It's all about his needs and his desires and his decision and poor baby, it's just so difficult isn't it? Cheating and lying on your wife, using an OW until he knows what is best for him. I bet his wife is wondering when it will be her turn to be loved and her feelings to matter and her life that counts.

 

 

 

I would have to agree with the feeling special part, and this could be me talking about my ex word for word....

 

(hi East how are you? ;-)

[East of Jupiter]

This is why I mentioned previously that his family unit appear to be invisible compared to his needs and that he needs to man up, in order to raise himself to the level that his wife is living. I most certainly wasn't as eloquent about it as you have expressed here.

 

matty, you need to read this over and over again. You need to understand the harm you and the OW are causing your family, the people who should be mattering more to you than something on the side.

 

 

It's expected. If he was thinking of the wife and kids, he wouldn't be acting a fool.

 

Just like lying. Of course he is lying! Imagine if he didn't lie?

 

To Wife:

 

Honey, I'm sorry but I found a hot girl at work I just have to bang. Be right back.

 

To OW:

 

Sexy thing, my wife is awful and I don't love her so I am goiing to bang you like my life depended on it then go home and have sex with my wife because this all turns me on.

 

Shright!

[Cliche]

Agreed.

 

Still...it's interesting that the cheater gets all this attention from everyone here, just like the cheater gets the attention from both the OP and the spouse. Mirrors real life, doesn't it? It's all about him, even here, while those who are crushed on either end get short shrift.

How flippin' insightful is that.

 

Lordy, we all need to have our heads examined!!

[Trialbyfire]

It's expected. If he was thinking of the wife and kids, he wouldn't be acting a fool.

 

Just like lying. Of course he is lying! Imagine if he didn't lie?

 

To Wife:

 

Honey, I'm sorry but I found a hot girl at work I just have to bang. Be right back.

 

To OW:

 

Sexy thing, my wife is awful and I don't love her so I am goiing to bang you like my life depended on it then go home and have sex with my wife because this all turns me on.

 

Shright!

I find it sad that he was willing to risk a 7 year marriage and a beautiful family for someone of very low moral fibre.

[Hard2Think]

You all are getting a little out of hand with your judgemental crap. I mean I know you all are the icons of virtue itself and all, but is there any way you can lay off for a little while until Matt here gets his bearings?

 

First of all, we know nothing of his wife or what she's like really. We don't knwo what his life is like. We don't know what really drove Matt to this. We don't really know anything about the OW.

 

I know that after reading Matt's posts here, I can't form any clear picture of the stage on which this well known scene has played. And yet this thread is already full of others filling in the blanks for us. You've already determined that the wife is some angel, the OW is a demon, and Matt is some sort of narcissistic psychopath.

 

Many of you did that with me. You conjured up some frankly crazy scenarios that had absolutely nothing to do with me or my life, such as suggesting I was a wife-beater, or that I was abusing my kids.

 

Seriously, if this board becomes the place where all you do is tar and feather people with your irritating, one-dimensional sanctimony, then other people like me or like Matt will never show up here. Then where are you going to annouce your purity and your flawless integrity?

[Trialbyfire]

Hard2think, you might want to read matty's description of his wife and family. He also discusses how his marriage began and proceeded.

[whichwayisup]

Good post H2T. He needs help solving this, not all the side-bantering and generalizations about his life. You are right, we don't know much, so maybe we all just need to sit back and let him talk it out and not pick apart EVERY single thing he says and blow it up in his face. It's obvious he feels just awful about this and definately needs help, not only from us here, but also from a therapist.

[Hard2Think]

Hard2think, you might want to read matty's description of his wife and family. He also discusses how his marriage began and proceeded.

And none of that is sufficient information to come to the conclusions that some have come to here. I agree with WWIU that Matt has already beaten himself up and he'll be doing it plenty more as time goes on. I think at this point we need to listen a little more.

[JamesM]

You've already determined that the wife is some angel, the OW is a demon, and Matt is some sort of narcissistic psychopath.

 

I have to agree with H2T. And yes, I have read his threads.

 

Matt came here because he knows he did wrong yet he is confused about his feelings. I am not sure what he wants here, but he DID come here. I think one of the best things about LS is that people are here to listen and give advice. However, one of the negatives is that people who come here for advice also face the possibility of negative criticism, but I don't think all of them expect it...nor do I think they SHOULD receive that type of criticism.

[smoochygirl]

You all are getting a little out of hand with your judgemental crap. I mean I know you all are the icons of virtue itself and all, but is there any way you can lay off for a little while until Matt here gets his bearings?

 

First of all, we know nothing of his wife or what she's like really. We don't knwo what his life is like. We don't know what really drove Matt to this. We don't really know anything about the OW.

 

I know that after reading Matt's posts here, I can't form any clear picture of the stage on which this well known scene has played. And yet this thread is already full of others filling in the blanks for us. You've already determined that the wife is some angel, the OW is a demon, and Matt is some sort of narcissistic psychopath.

 

Many of you did that with me. You conjured up some frankly crazy scenarios that had absolutely nothing to do with me or my life, such as suggesting I was a wife-beater, or that I was abusing my kids.

 

Seriously, if this board becomes the place where all you do is tar and feather people with your irritating, one-dimensional sanctimony, then other people like me or like Matt will never show up here. Then where are you going to annouce your purity and your flawless integrity?

 

 

 

We don't know his wife, children and OW. We don't even know if he is real. We can only go by in what he say. Base on what he is telling us his wife is such a good mother, wife and they don't have a problem in their relationship that is why he need help and he feel a lot of guilt. He describe the OW as almost a total opposite of his wife, except this OW show is giving him a lot of sexual satisfaction. I don't think people here are bashing him, They are only giving him an advice, unfortunately we have different views in situation. I will never get offended in what the people think and suggestion to me if i am in a situation like this. Thats what we came for here, But if i feel like it has gone to far there is a mod here who will take action or just hit the ignore button problem solve.

[smoochygirl]

I have to agree with H2T. And yes, I have read his threads.

 

Matt came here because he knows he did wrong yet he is confused about his feelings. I am not sure what he wants here, but he DID come here. I think one of the best things about LS is that people are here to listen and give advice. However, one of the negatives is that people who come here for advice also face the possibility of negative criticism, but I don't think all of them expect it...nor do I think they SHOULD receive that type of criticism.

 

And i think every people face criticism everyday.

[Hard2Think]

And i think every people face criticism everyday.

I don't think criticism is the issue. Criticism, if meaningful, can be very helpful.

 

What I find is that some people take it personally that he cheated on his wife and they launch personal attacks against him as a result. He already has an angry wife and possibly an angry OW. Just a week ago, they both loved him. He doesn't need a board full of people calling him names and telling him to leave his wife.

[JamesM]

And i think every people face criticism everyday.

 

 

I agree, and I think criticism is good. But you left one word out...negative. Ans yes, negative criticism is not all bad. What happens here to often is that people face the accusations and "flaming" that does nothing for helping him or her deal with his problem.

 

Let me quote from another thread...

 

I found this sight from a random google search looking for advice/support.

 

And that is what I think people look for and expect. And that is what we should strive to give.

 

Just my two cents.

[smoochygirl]

I don't think criticism is the issue. Criticism, if meaningful, can be very helpful.

 

What I find is that some people take it personally that he cheated on his wife and they launch personal attacks against him as a result. He already has an angry wife and possibly an angry OW. Just a week ago, they both loved him. He doesn't need a board full of people calling him names and telling him to leave his wife.

 

There might be people here who do that but let's agree that most people are just giving him a fair advice. He was asking an ADVICE if he will leave or stay In his marriage and in my opinion he should leave his marriage because the poor wife don't deserve this kind of treatment, does it sound bashing at all? or other people might say "cheating is bad and people who do this doesn't deserve their spouse" this to me does not sound like a bash. It is only an opinion. Thats why this kind of site was created to stay anonymous and let out our emotion. Do not consider that rough comment to be bashing because every OW, MM, MW, BS or anyone get tough love on the internet.