My Wife found out about me

[frannie]

My behaviour has been terrible

 

My Wife and i have been together 7 years, married last 3 and have 2 wonderful young children

 

We have a nice house, kids are great and I am in a well-paid job with responsibility

 

For the last 3 months I have been having an affair with a co-worker, who is 6 years younger than my W and has no kids etc

 

Like all things, I never intended this to happen- the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive - like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on. It's hard to describe, but it became addictive

 

When I met the OW she had a boyfriend. She told me there was no spark with them, nothing sexual ever happened and she was unhappy. A month or so after meeting me she dumped him, and kept mentioning all the things she was thinking about us - a future together where my kids came and stayed with us, where we had great holidays..even marriage for us.

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'

 

I still went back for more though

 

My friends told me that this woman would get P** off waiting for me and would put pressure on me to make a decision, which she did by withdrawing affection and suggesting she 'walk away' - by then though I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova so tried to keep both happy

 

2 weeks ago my W found out by checking my phone and finding a text message from the OW. I'm not sure why I left my phone lying around- either I became complacent or maybe i wanted her to find it

 

I don't want or expect sympathy, but this double life has been exhausting and I feel I have physically aged in appearance. I've never lied to my wife before and I would buy her things or take her places to almost compensate for being the complete a**hole I have been

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her

 

I'd hurt her terribly and I felt as though I did not deserve to live. Thankfully the kids are too young to realise what's gone on.

 

She has offered to make another go of things, and forgive me, but wants me to move jobs. Things are understanably tense at home

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day

 

What do I do? Leave my Wife so she can find someone who deserves her trust? Make a go of things with the OW as she's on my mind?

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete. I'm not justifying it, just saying how it was. I love my wife, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

I'm disgusted with myself for being so shallow, for causing hurt to others and for being so weak and indecisive

 

any advise would be appreciated

 

Matt

 

I've read about half this thread so far... and skimmed to the end to take a look if there's been any resolution... I can't see one. So I thought I'd come back to the beginning and remind myself how it all started...

 

So... you asked for 'any advice' (and you got plenty!). But you didn't say what advice you were looking for..? Advice on how to end it with OW (though that seemed to become what you were asking about), to help your W recover from her discovery (you never mentioned it), to decide if OW was a good bet for a future (yes... you mentioned that plenty but no one was responding)... basically you asked for... someone to make up your mind for you? Rather than asking for advice once you'd decided what to do..?

 

To me, re-reading what you put here in your first post you ask: do I leave my wife and make a go of it with OW, or do I stay with W despite the fact that I can't be trusted.

 

First question: Can you give either of these women, or indeed any woman, your undivided attention, love, and loyalty? Because you're quite plainly stating you like having both of them in your life. Possibly even feel you need them both. But women don't want half a man, no more than you'd be happy having half of either of them... how would you cope..?

 

A decision has to be made and presumably that's why you posted. In fact much as it was ignored by people responding, most of your early posts were asking about whether people thought your OW was a good future bet. I don't think you said one thing about reconciliation with your W and making that work.

 

For the record I think you'd be a fool to throw away even a short marriage on an even shorter affair. I've been in my affair (I'm the OW) longer than you've been married! You can't possibly know anything about this OW that would give you a clue about your potential future with her.

 

Personally I think you owe it to everyone concerned to cut things off with your OW (even if it's just 'for now' in your mind but DON'T keep her hanging on. You MUST let her go because she deserves a life without wondering about you), and knuckle down on trying to work out your marriage. You have young children for crying out loud. Ask yourself what it is that's missing from your marriage and work on getting it there. MC and IC would probably be a good idea. Work and work until you know for sure: can you get what you need from one woman (if not what do you need to fix?), and if yes, and it's your W, then you have a lovely future together. If yes, and it's not your W, then you can start divorce proceedings.

 

My honest view is that you can't possibly get answers to this from other people. The answer lies within YOU, and can be discovered with introspection and hard work.

[frannie]

This is the first post I have seen from a MM talking about ending an affair and the first time we have seen proof of a MM asking about using the "kids" as an excuse. Here is it for all the OW that have said that he really does stay for the kids, and believe that if there were no kids, the MM would be with the OW.

 

Pay close attention to what this man is saying. He doesn't want the wrath of a pissed off OW, and he knows if he uses the kids, the OW will just think he is being a good father. This is how the "stay for the kids" excuse works.

 

The problem with your analysis/conclusion is that this MM is actually talking (here) about ending things with his OW, and how best to achieve that, not giving her reasons to stay involved with him. i.e. he asked: what's the best way to break this off (without hurting her)? believing that a lie would help here, when it clearly wouldn't.

 

And to answer his question: the best way to break it off is to say: 'OW, I'm staying married and never leaving. Oh, and I don't want an affair.'

 

Even 'staying for the kids' is a fine excuse or reason as long as it's accompanied with 'and I don't want an affair'. Just... it very rarely is either said or believed (by the MM). Because like this person, the MM usually DOES want an affair too. A MM has to lie somewhat if he wants the affair to end... he has to say 'I love my wife, I'm never leaving, and I won't continue with this'.

 

An OW hears that, said in a convincing manner, she'll walk away pretty much every time.

[frannie]

Yes, pay close attention. This MM can't get the OW off his mind. "I think about her - Constantly." "She made me feel alive." "Both of them in my life made me feel complete." "No way would I leave my W and kids for her."

 

He was happy until the OW started making demands on him. Then he freaked, and decided he didn't want her anymore. So he passively-aggressively accidentally-on purpose left his phone for the W to discover, hoping she would take charge and fix everything.

 

 

That's interesting, because nothing came to a head until his W found the phone, yes, and matt said he possibly 'accidentally on purpose' left the phone to be found. But you're just surmising about matt's desired outcome here... he wants his W to sort this out and get rid of the OW..? Right... that's something of a gamble... W could have just thrown him out! Matt's said nothing about the suggestions to take his W to a meeting with OW... which suggests to me that he wants nothing of the sort!!

 

And if he wants his M to work out, then why is he asking people on a forum whether the OW is a good bet relationship-wise..? I don't see what you see at all.

[whichwayisup]

I've read about half this thread so far... and skimmed to the end to take a look if there's been any resolution... I can't see one. So I thought I'd come back to the beginning and remind myself how it all started...

 

So... you asked for 'any advice' (and you got plenty!). But you didn't say what advice you were looking for..? Advice on how to end it with OW (though that seemed to become what you were asking about), to help your W recover from her discovery (you never mentioned it), to decide if OW was a good bet for a future (yes... you mentioned that plenty but no one was responding)... basically you asked for... someone to make up your mind for you? Rather than asking for advice once you'd decided what to do..?

 

To me, re-reading what you put here in your first post you ask: do I leave my wife and make a go of it with OW, or do I stay with W despite the fact that I can't be trusted.

 

First question: Can you give either of these women, or indeed any woman, your undivided attention, love, and loyalty? Because you're quite plainly stating you like having both of them in your life. Possibly even feel you need them both. But women don't want half a man, no more than you'd be happy having half of either of them... how would you cope..?

 

A decision has to be made and presumably that's why you posted. In fact much as it was ignored by people responding, most of your early posts were asking about whether people thought your OW was a good future bet. I don't think you said one thing about reconciliation with your W and making that work.

 

For the record I think you'd be a fool to throw away even a short marriage on an even shorter affair. I've been in my affair (I'm the OW) longer than you've been married! You can't possibly know anything about this OW that would give you a clue about your potential future with her.

 

Personally I think you owe it to everyone concerned to cut things off with your OW (even if it's just 'for now' in your mind but DON'T keep her hanging on. You MUST let her go because she deserves a life without wondering about you), and knuckle down on trying to work out your marriage. You have young children for crying out loud. Ask yourself what it is that's missing from your marriage and work on getting it there. MC and IC would probably be a good idea. Work and work until you know for sure: can you get what you need from one woman (if not what do you need to fix?), and if yes, and it's your W, then you have a lovely future together. If yes, and it's not your W, then you can start divorce proceedings.

 

My honest view is that you can't possibly get answers to this from other people. The answer lies within YOU, and can be discovered with introspection and hard work.

 

Excellent reply post frannie!

 

And I do agree, he won't find the answers here, but by talking out what he feels inside and getting different perspective on how to handle things WILL at the end of the day help him get to where he needs to be, whatever that decision he decides will be.

[frannie]

So there's more... (and apologies if this has been done to death later in the thread, if so just ignore):

 

 

3. Alarm bell - she told me every man she's ever had has left her

 

4. Alarm bell - when she was 23 she was living and engaged to a guy. She developed feelings for a co-worker and came home and finished with him, saying ' i shouldnt feel like this about someone else, it's over'

 

Alarm bells 3. and 4. don't match up. I noticed this the first time you mentioned them, but you didn't give details then. So:

 

How can every man she's been with have left her if she left mr. alarm bell 4?

 

Also, she was with one man, and she LEFT him because she'd developed feelings for someone else. Can't see where she's been cheating long-term or even desiring to cheat. Not if she's left him.

 

My guess (without further info) is that she believes that if you love someone you shouldn't keep another hanging... and that loving is why you're with a person (not duty, etc.). That would explain a lot of rapid relationships in a relatively short time.

 

I'm not going to analyse the woman's morals or character, but just to say... there's not enough information here at all to base anything on other than... if you don't feel you can give her whatever it is she needs she won't stick around to give you second chances (not on what I've seen here).

 

So if you want someone forgiving... stick to your W. She is giving you that chance (even if it's simply because of the children).

[OpenBook]

That's interesting, because nothing came to a head until his W found the phone, yes, and matt said he possibly 'accidentally on purpose' left the phone to be found. But you're just surmising about matt's desired outcome here... he wants his W to sort this out and get rid of the OW..? Right... that's something of a gamble... W could have just thrown him out! Matt's said nothing about the suggestions to take his W to a meeting with OW... which suggests to me that he wants nothing of the sort!!

 

And if he wants his M to work out, then why is he asking people on a forum whether the OW is a good bet relationship-wise..? I don't see what you see at all.

 

Again, I hope I'm wrong.

 

Matt said he was terrified of losing his W and family. So I assume he didn't consider his W kicking him out as a possible outcome when he left his phone lying around "accidentally/on-purpose."

 

In fact, I believe he assumes that it is very unlikely that his W will leave him. That's why he is still dwelling on the OW. He is still entertaining the possibility that he can continue to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Also, I believe that he wanted to end the A when the OW started making demands -- NOT when his W discovered her text messages on his phone.

 

JMO...

[East of Jupiter]

Again, I hope I'm wrong.

 

Matt said he was terrified of losing his W and family. So I assume he didn't consider his W kicking him out as a possible outcome when he left his phone lying around "accidentally/on-purpose."

 

In fact, I believe he assumes that it is very unlikely that his W will leave him. That's why he is still dwelling on the OW. He is still entertaining the possibility that he can continue to have his cake and eat it too.

 

Also, I believe that he wanted to end the A when the OW started making demands -- NOT when his W discovered her text messages on his phone.

 

JMO...

 

 

I share your opinion.

 

Sometimes it is hard to believe some men even like women, much less love them. May just be me but I thijk sometimes a man wants to hurt his wife, even if he is not aware of it.

[V6TransAM]

Sometimes it is hard to believe some men even like women, much less love them. May just be me but I thijk sometimes a man wants to hurt his wife, even if he is not aware of it.

 

Good point,

 

Since I am one of those now, I think most(notice i never said all) actually are sorry for what they did, the problem is it always comes after the realization of what they did.

 

Wish it wasnt like that, would be a lot less hurt.

[OpenBook]

I have to agree with all of this. There is a line to the honesty one shares in order to spare our mates more hurt. It's like anything in life, do we wanna hear "that top looks like $ht in you" or "I like that top but you look better in a green top"

 

And so, if I then came back with, "But green doesn't work with these pants. So... you like this top, huh?" And there you'd be, stuck in a lie. This is the LAST thing the W needs to go through.

 

It's not about what we WANT to hear. It's about hearing the truth.

 

But I do agree that there needs to be a certain diplomacy about it. In the above example, if I were the one giving the advice, I would say "In my opinion, no I don't like that blouse. And here's why - it doesn't flatter you here and here." I have been through this scenario countless times with my daughter. If I had given her "I like that top but you look better in this" she would have looked askance at me, then asked me 20 million questions to get the truth out of me. She's concentrating on the blouse she has ON. She is seeking my advice -- and depending on me to tell her the truth.

 

In Matt's example, if I were him I would gently tell his W (if she asks) that the OW is still on his mind, and that these feelings are confusing him -- but I would be sure to add that he loves his W and wants to fix this, and suggest MC to help them sort it all out.

 

And he should communicate to his W as much as she wants to hear anything beyond that is unecessary and would only cause her more pain. Besides it would make him feel better for being completely honest but at what price to make his W suffer more? I think tThat's not fair at all.

 

I agree with this. Speaking for myself, if I were in the W's shoes I would want to know EVERY THOUGHT that passed through his mind. But I would want to control WHEN he tells me -- only after gauging my own state of mind each time. It's the W's call.

[sandim]

Luv,

I think it is a combination of all of them actually. I know when my husband and I were finally in a place where we could both talk honestly about that time , about the indecision , about all of it, his thoughts were all of those things. How he could be still be the good guy in all of this, for both of us, how he could continue to hang onto both relationships, because they made him feel good to have two women who "wanted" him, because he was afraid to make a decision.....there were so many reasons in his mind, bullsh*t in mine, but for him, those were his reasons. And he did care, it wasn't love, not by a long shot, but boy that adrenaline and the dopamine kick he got from having two women competing for his love......well, what man doesn't enjoy the attentions from two women?

I'm not excusing Matt's indecison, I understand it and where it comes from.

I hate that Matt's wife and children are suffering from the lack of Matt's decision and would like to see him make some decision , one way or another.

What Matt doesn't realize is that his wife will not wait forever, and that the longer he waits to make the decision, the more he hurts his wife and his children.

The longer he waits to make the decision, the more he instills doubt into his wife that he is staying for the right reasons, that he loves his wife. He makes her wonder what she is missing that the OW had, and those questions that build into her mind, tear at her heart and soul, are not easily put to rest....

I hope he makes the right decision and that he has made it by the time that I read the rest of the thread. He has gotten an awful lot of excellent advice here, from a lot of caring people. I hope he uses it, and the experiences of those who have gone before he and his wife to his and her advantage. If not, he will be one of those men who spend the rest of their lives questioning what if.......that's a sad place to live.

Sandi

[whichwayisup]

Matt, next time you post (I hope) you can do one whole post dedicated about your wife, what you are doing to re-gain trust and faith in her eyes. What have you done to make things better...How you feel about going to counselling, both individual and going with your wife.

[sandim]

I can see what you're saying, but wouldn't it better to have some sort of closure, rather than just putting it off? I want to get this over with so we can both on

 

 

Matt, in all seriousness, if you want this over, then make it over. You still want to be the good guy in her eyes. WHY? You know that she is avoiding you, you know that as long as she does avoid you, you don't have to not be the good guy....you are both conflict avoiding to the nth degree!! Get it over with already. END IT. The ONLY reason that you want to see her face to face is not to break it to her gently, or because you owe it to her, but to get that last feel good from her before you end it. Then before you know it, you will be back here, confused as ever because you just couldn't do it to her, you had no idea how much she truly "loves" you, you couldn't break her heart like that.....:sick:and it's all crap Matt. The how could you do this to me after all I gave up for you is going to be thrown in your face, all of the anger, you know the side that you haven't seen yet? Well, I can promise you , you will see it and some other stuff you didn't know existed as well. You want to know what my husband's OWs' reaction was? Anger, deep, seething anger. I was called every name in the book and a few others as well. I'd never done anything to her, in fact, had been nothing but nice to her given the situation. I was stalked for months, why? Because he chose to stay here...because I didn't throw him out as she hoped. He had the choice to stay or leave, as do you. She used to call me when he was at work to fill me in on things that she believed that I didn't know.....why? Because she had decided in her head that if she told me these things, read me the cards he gave her, that I would throw him out. If I didn't, then things on her end escalated....for a year. Is that what you want for your wife and family?

You know all of the reasons you should end it. You say you want to end it. If you do, there is no need to do it face to face, other than to try to convince her and yourself that you are still the good guy......be the good guy to your wife and kids, end it now..Stop trying to appease the OW, and make it easy on yourself and start putting those who should have come first , first.

No, the feelings you think you feel aren't going to fade away overnight unless you have to deal with the midnight phonecalls and the stalking behavior, and I hope you don't, but the longer you play the avoidance game, the higher the stakes you are playing with.

I am trying to help you here to avoid making the same mistakes that so many others have made before you, but sometimes I think that people need to find out on their own. Maybe you are one of those people. I hope not. Too many people have poured their hearts out to you here, to try to help you. I hope that those efforts are not gone to waste.

Sandi

[East of Jupiter]

You want to know what my husband's OWs' reaction was? Anger, deep, seething anger. I was called every name in the book and a few others as well. I'd never done anything to her, in fact, had been nothing but nice to her given the situation. I was stalked for months, why? Because he chose to stay here...because I didn't throw him out as she hoped. He had the choice to stay or leave, as do you. She used to call me when he was at work to fill me in on things that she believed that I didn't know.....why? Because she had decided in her head that if she told me these things, read me the cards he gave her, that I would throw him out. If I didn't, then things on her end escalated....for a year. Is that what you want for your wife and family?

 

This is pretty standard SOP

 

You know all of the reasons you should end it. You say you want to end it. If you do, there is no need to do it face to face, other than to try to convince her and yourself that you are still the good guy......be the good guy to your wife and kids, end it now..Stop trying to appease the OW, and make it easy on yourself and start putting those who should have come first , first.

No, the feelings you think you feel aren't going to fade away overnight unless you have to deal with the midnight phonecalls and the stalking behavior, and I hope you don't, but the longer you play the avoidance game, the higher the stakes you are playing with.

I am trying to help you here to avoid making the same mistakes that so many others have made before you, but sometimes I think that people need to find out on their own. Maybe you are one of those people. I hope not. Too many people have poured their hearts out to you here, to try to help you. I hope that those efforts are not gone to waste.

Sandi

[East of Jupiter]

You want to know what my husband's OWs' reaction was? Anger, deep, seething anger. I was called every name in the book and a few others as well. I'd never done anything to her, in fact, had been nothing but nice to her given the situation. I was stalked for months, why? Because he chose to stay here...because I didn't throw him out as she hoped. He had the choice to stay or leave, as do you. She used to call me when he was at work to fill me in on things that she believed that I didn't know.....why? Because she had decided in her head that if she told me these things, read me the cards he gave her, that I would throw him out. If I didn't, then things on her end escalated....for a year. Is that what you want for your wife and family?

 

This is pretty standard SOP for many OW. If you doubt this, do a little reading in an OW forum. There is a string now that should raise the hair on your neck.

 

And it happened to me as well. That woman did everything she could to break up our marriage (not one scintilla of empathy for my children forget about hurting me -- in her words, she wanted to hurt him and went through me to do so. Silly cow. She is still stalking me and it has been closing in on 8 years later!

 

Now my husband can apologize until Bush gets smart but he can't erase the fact that he brought an enemy of his children (even if you don't care about your wife) into our lives.

 

He may be able to forget, but I won't. And it will never be the same again Matt. It may get better but it will never be the same again.

 

You know all of the reasons you should end it. You say you want to end it. If you do, there is no need to do it face to face, other than to try to convince her and yourself that you are still the good guy......be the good guy to your wife and kids, end it now..Stop trying to appease the OW, and make it easy on yourself and start putting those who should have come first , first.

No, the feelings you think you feel aren't going to fade away overnight unless you have to deal with the midnight phonecalls and the stalking behavior, and I hope you don't, but the longer you play the avoidance game, the higher the stakes you are playing with.

I am trying to help you here to avoid making the same mistakes that so many others have made before you, but sometimes I think that people need to find out on their own. Maybe you are one of those people. I hope not. Too many people have poured their hearts out to you here, to try to help you. I hope that those efforts are not gone to waste.

Sandi

 

Hope you are doing well now Sandi. I also hope that Matt is able to listen for the sake of his family.

[sandim]

East,

We are doing fine now, but I can tell you that it was the aftermath that nearly did us in. All of the lies eventually come out, no matter how well they are hidden.

I felt badly for my husband's former OW, afterall I loved him too, and I knew that he can be one of the most loving, caring men that I've ever known. He wasn't very loving or caring toward me at the time, he had to blame someone and that someone was me. You can't have an affair and tell yourself or someone else that your wife is loving and supportive of you, now can you?

I don't think that he really started to see her for what she was until she stalked us one night at an event we had to be at with our children. She walked right up to me while I had our daughters standing with me, after following us around for hours that night.....it was sad actually. She did her darndest to get our attention and she certainly did that. When she walked up to me, I whispered to her that if she ever came near our children again, I would put a hurt on her, the likes of which she had never dreamed of. If she wanted to hurt him that was fine, but to leave our children out of it. Little did I know at the time that she had met our children and knew that the one thing she could do was approach them that would send me off the deep end to protect them.

She threatened his job, despite the fact that she "loved" him so much, she was willing to put a 11 year career at stake to get even with him for staying. He was shocked at her behavior. We found out later that he was not her first "relationship" with a MM and that her behavior after that one ended was very similar , resulting in a R.O. that time.

Anyway, it's taken a lot of time, and there were times when it would have been easier if he left, but things have improved drastically over the years and I am told at least once a week how lucky he is that he was given another chance.

I love my husband and I did then too. We just celebrated our 15th anniversary last December and I am glad that I gave him the chance to prove himself . We were worth it then and we are worth it now.

It does take two to put a marriage back together after an affair, and there is not an easy way to do it, you have to go through it to get through it, if you know what I mean.

It's been a hard journey, but so worth it for us and for our children.

Sandi

[East of Jupiter]

East,

We are doing fine now, but I can tell you that it was the aftermath that nearly did us in. All of the lies eventually come out, no matter how well they are hidden.

I felt badly for my husband's former OW, afterall I loved him too, and I knew that he can be one of the most loving, caring men that I've ever known. He wasn't very loving or caring toward me at the time, he had to blame someone and that someone was me. You can't have an affair and tell yourself or someone else that your wife is loving and supportive of you, now can you?

 

Actually, my husband did say I was loving and supportive. He told the OW and anyone who knew him. It meant nothing any more than saying I wasn't. He was going to do what he was going to do. And he found just the right woman to accept that. She actually complained to me about him being only interested in sex. Why thankyouverymuch. That's precisely what he said. My husband never stopped being loving the entire time. It meant nothing either! Each person does what they do get to where they want to go.

 

Affairs are mostly like a bad movie at a cheap theater. One of my mom's saying. LOL!

 

I don't think that he really started to see her for what she was until she stalked us one night at an event we had to be at with our children. She walked right up to me while I had our daughters standing with me, after following us around for hours that night.....it was sad actually. She did her darnedest to get our attention and she certainly did that. When she walked up to me, I whispered to her that if she ever came near our children again, I would put a hurt on her, the likes of which she had never dreamed of. If she wanted to hurt him that was fine, but to leave our children out of it. Little did I know at the time that she had met our children and knew that the one thing she could do was approach them that would send me off the deep end to protect them.

 

Oh yes. Cut the nose to spite the face. Mine gifted me the same. She did some really childish things and my husband doubted it was her. Oh but one good turn deserves another and together, we got a confession out of her. So many gifts she gave me! As I have said many times and I warn OW, whatever remaining feelings he may have had for this woman disappeared that very moment.

 

She threatened his job, despite the fact that she "loved" him so much, she was willing to put a 11 year career at stake to get even with him for staying. He was shocked at her behavior. We found out later that he was not her first "relationship" with a MM and that her behavior after that one ended was very similar , resulting in a R.O. that time.

Anyway, it's taken a lot of time, and there were times when it would have been easier if he left, but things have improved drastically over the years and I am told at least once a week how lucky he is that he was given another chance.

 

Sheesh! Was her name Glen Close? This is a great example of how affairs are not always about love.

 

I met a woman years back. When she found out about her husband's affair with a co-worker (I think she was her best friend) and had evidence, she sent copies to everyone at the local newspaper where they were both employed. OUCH! Everybody found out!

 

I love my husband and I did then too. We just celebrated our 15th anniversary last December and I am glad that I gave him the chance to prove himself . We were worth it then and we are worth it now.

It does take two to put a marriage back together after an affair, and there is not an easy way to do it, you have to go through it to get through it, if you know what I mean.

It's been a hard journey, but so worth it for us and for our children.

Sandi

 

I hear you there. We just celebrated 20 years. I am not sure I am glad that I gave him a chance. I can only say that I gave myself the chance to figure out what to do. It's been a long while but we still struggle. But he is not your run-of-the-mill cheating husband. Lucky me.

 

I am glad to hear you are both doing well. I know of a lot of sauces stories. It takes time and work and no small amount of tears, but it is always worth it if both partners are committed.

 

Keep up the great work and continue being happy. You have earned it.

[Trialbyfire]

Overall matty, the posts you're reading from BWs show the pain that an affair causes them. I hope you can relate some of this pain to what your wife is experiencing and begin to understand why so many of the posters are telling you to get with the program and get rid of the OW, NOW.

 

IF you want to save your marriage, firstly, cauterize the emotional bleed. This means you need to stop thinking wasting emotion and energy on the OW and refocus those energies on saving your family unit.

 

IF you don't want to work at your marriage, leave now. Your family deserves better.

[mattym]

Hi All - sorry I have'nt been able to post - the site was down for me all day yesterday?

 

Anyway, here's an update

 

OW cancelled on me meeting up. I'm afraid her indifference angered me. i guess because I have spent so long with this playing over and over in my mind I wanted somehow for her to be as confused as I was!

 

Anyway I sent her an angry text, saying she was selfish - she'd left me to deal with this aftermath alone and could go back to her life as if nothing had happened while my problems have only just started

 

I know it isn't all her fault, it's mine, but I was venting

 

Anyway she called me a while later and was upset at the 'horrible' things I'd said. We argued, I said I had to now concentrate on being a good husband and a good Dad, which I hadn't been and left it at that

 

Later that night I met with a friend and chatted to him. I felt as though a weight had lifted off me, and that I was actually 'in control' for the first time in months

 

2hours later she text again ' I'm so sorry for upsetting you. I'm so confused about me, you, us! I want you to know you are such a super special person xxx'

 

I ignored it then first thing yesterday morning I got ' just thought I'd say hi. You'll be pleased to know I've been upset all night and revenge is sweet as I think I am now ill and will have to visit the Doctor'

 

Told my W all about this - she seemed both hurt and thoughtful but I thought it better to be upfront. She said OW is playing mind games with me

 

I feel lousy for upsetting OW, but I told W that I will never again put anyone before our family, and that i will make things up to her

 

I'd like to say I'm over it now, but that's not the case

 

I'm still thinking of OW, not always with misty eyes, but if I'm brutally honest, I LOVED the attention of 2 women, and in these thoughtful moments entertain thoughts of 'what would life have been like with her?' - she always talks about how she loves kids and how she'd love mine as much as any we ever had together. I know myself that you never love anyone else's kids like your own. If I saw OW with another man, I guess I'd feeljealous- does that mean I love her? I dunno

 

I fell bad for my W, she so desperately wishes this had never happened, and I am trying to erase all other things out of my mind.I guess any other MM will confirm though that the attention of 2 women is a difficult thing to forget about. Yes it was wrong, but at the time it felt great. Guess I'm not the only one who's ever found that, or there wouldn't be an infidelity forum!

 

Matt

[Trialbyfire]

but if I'm brutally honest, I LOVED the attention of 2 women

No doubt it can be a heady experience to have two women want you. But you have to ask yourself why you allowed this to get to the point of an affair, emotional and/or physical. What are you lacking within yourself that requires this much attention? What do you need out the marriage, that you feel your wife isn't providing?

 

I hope the two of you get some marriage AND individual counseling. Looks like both of you need it badly.

[mattym]

No doubt it can be a heady experience to have two women want you. But you have to ask yourself why you allowed this to get to the point of an affair, emotional and/or physical. What are you lacking within yourself that requires this much attention? What do you need out the marriage, that you feel your wife isn't providing?

 

I hope the two of you get some marriage AND individual counseling. Looks like both of you need it badly.

 

I have thought about this.

 

I've always had a 'partner' of sorts since I was 18 pretty much. I'm 37 now

 

I had short spells in my 20's of being 'single' and to be honest, I hated it. My friends all seemed to be dating more than I was, I felt as though there was something inferior with me that meant women weren't interested - I had the proof of that thought- i didn't have a woman!

 

Whenever I've felt a relationship isn't going well, or that the woman as losing interest, I've 'lined up' the next one

 

When I met my W I was with someone else, albeit not living together or anything. When I met my W I dumped ex-GF. Same thing had happened to the girl before that. These relationships were ( in my mind) petering out and I jumped ship to avoid being unhappy and alone -that's what i think happened anyway. If I look back I wonder if I married to give myself extra security and avoid those fears of ever being alone again

 

Now here I am, feeling as though passion and excitement is waning again, and I 'line up' the next person, who, as before, brings excitement back- I can't wait to see her every day. I feel 10ft tall, and wanted again

 

This time though it's different - I have made massive commitments now, and have 2 kids under 5 to think about, so my mental processes worked out ' have both, that way nobody loses out or gets hurt and your needs are fulfilled. Plus, if 1 relationship goes badly, fall back on the other'

 

This time however I'm thinking ' if i mess up this, time I'm almost 40 - i can't keep on doing this'

 

Doesnt make me proud reading that but thats how I honestly felt

[sandim]

Hi All - sorry I have'nt been able to post - the site was down for me all day yesterday?

 

Anyway, here's an update

 

OW cancelled on me meeting up. I'm afraid her indifference angered me. i guess because I have spent so long with this playing over and over in my mind I wanted somehow for her to be as confused as I was!

 

Anyway I sent her an angry text, saying she was selfish - she'd left me to deal with this aftermath alone and could go back to her life as if nothing had happened while my problems have only just started

 

I know it isn't all her fault, it's mine, but I was venting

 

Anyway she called me a while later and was upset at the 'horrible' things I'd said. We argued, I said I had to now concentrate on being a good husband and a good Dad, which I hadn't been and left it at that

 

Later that night I met with a friend and chatted to him. I felt as though a weight had lifted off me, and that I was actually 'in control' for the first time in months

 

2hours later she text again ' I'm so sorry for upsetting you. I'm so confused about me, you, us! I want you to know you are such a super special person xxx'

 

I ignored it then first thing yesterday morning I got ' just thought I'd say hi. You'll be pleased to know I've been upset all night and revenge is sweet as I think I am now ill and will have to visit the Doctor'

 

Told my W all about this - she seemed both hurt and thoughtful but I thought it better to be upfront. She said OW is playing mind games with me

 

I feel lousy for upsetting OW, but I told W that I will never again put anyone before our family, and that i will make things up to her

 

I'd like to say I'm over it now, but that's not the case

 

I'm still thinking of OW, not always with misty eyes, but if I'm brutally honest, I LOVED the attention of 2 women, and in these thoughtful moments entertain thoughts of 'what would life have been like with her?' - she always talks about how she loves kids and how she'd love mine as much as any we ever had together. I know myself that you never love anyone else's kids like your own. If I saw OW with another man, I guess I'd feeljealous- does that mean I love her? I dunno

 

I fell bad for my W, she so desperately wishes this had never happened, and I am trying to erase all other things out of my mind.I guess any other MM will confirm though that the attention of 2 women is a difficult thing to forget about. Yes it was wrong, but at the time it felt great. Guess I'm not the only one who's ever found that, or there wouldn't be an infidelity forum!

 

Matt

 

Matt,

Did you really believe that she would just walk away gracefully, pretending that none of this happened ? We all tried to warn you, first comes the avoidance of the "conversation", then the blaming and the anger, and now ,then comes the "you are so special" line, she is fishing to see if she can get you to respond, and finally the you upset me so much that I am sick. I could have written the darn script for that one. The only part that she is missing is the suicide line. I won't be surprised to hear about that one next. :rolleyes:You need to stop burying your head in the sand about this, and just delete the texts or better yet, change your number. Then you won't have to read them, won't be pulled into her attempts for sympathy, and at the same time, you will be giving your wife a chance to start to believe in you if you change the number willingly all by yourself. I know, easier said than done.

My husband handed me his pager when all of this came about, after the final ending, and he never looked back. I think that you need to do something similar , at the very least change your number. I realize it might be a pain in the rear to do , but I believe it is one step in the right direction for you.

You may have hurt her feelings by not responding to the manipulation attempts but that is all you hurt Matt. She had to know, just as my dh's did, that it was over, but it didn't stop her from her attempts to get him back into the affair. We have tried to tell you that if you see her or talk to her that there were going to be some serious attempts at manipulation, and there they are my friend.

Your wife is going through hell Matt, wondering just as we all do if you are going to be back involved in no time flat, and as long as you keep the means of communication open, you are keeping the door open. Shut it, once and for all.

You have not removed yourself from the situation long enough to begin to see the damage you have done Matt, but when you have and you really begin to see the damage, you will forget about how good it might have felt temporarily to have two women competing for you, and want to kick yourself in the *ss for having put your wife and kids through this in the first place for an ego boost.

I hope you follow the advice you have been given here Matt and either get rid of that number or have it changed all together. Cut off every avenue of communication, including at work, where you will shortly see her hanging onto some new guy in short order I will bet, or she will be crying and upset everytime you are around. You avoid feeling badly for her by not allowing yourself to be in the situation in the first place. You started by ending, now you have to follow through. This is the hard part.

Sandi

[Trialbyfire]

matty,

So you've always had a history of bridging. This means that you never gave yourself enough time to get over the last one and analyze what went wrong, especially within your own behavioural patterns. It appears that you've always relied on someone else to give you happiness, instead of relying on yourself to be happy.

 

I do strongly suggest that you seek counseling or this pattern will continue.

[mattym]

matty,

So you've always had a history of bridging. This means that you never gave yourself enough time to get over the last one and analyze what went wrong, especially within your own behavioural patterns. It appears that you've always relied on someone else to give you happiness, instead of relying on yourself to be happy.

 

I do strongly suggest that you seek counseling or this pattern will continue.

 

Yep, i think I'm mixed up - pathetic at my age

[mattym]

Matt,

Did you really believe that she would just walk away gracefully, pretending that none of this happened ? We all tried to warn you, first comes the avoidance of the "conversation", then the blaming and the anger, and now ,then comes the "you are so special" line, she is fishing to see if she can get you to respond, and finally the you upset me so much that I am sick. I could have written the darn script for that one. The only part that she is missing is the suicide line. I won't be surprised to hear about that one next. :rolleyes:You need to stop burying your head in the sand about this, and just delete the texts or better yet, change your number. Then you won't have to read them, won't be pulled into her attempts for sympathy, and at the same time, you will be giving your wife a chance to start to believe in you if you change the number willingly all by yourself. I know, easier said than done.

My husband handed me his pager when all of this came about, after the final ending, and he never looked back. I think that you need to do something similar , at the very least change your number. I realize it might be a pain in the rear to do , but I believe it is one step in the right direction for you.

You may have hurt her feelings by not responding to the manipulation attempts but that is all you hurt Matt. She had to know, just as my dh's did, that it was over, but it didn't stop her from her attempts to get him back into the affair. We have tried to tell you that if you see her or talk to her that there were going to be some serious attempts at manipulation, and there they are my friend.

Your wife is going through hell Matt, wondering just as we all do if you are going to be back involved in no time flat, and as long as you keep the means of communication open, you are keeping the door open. Shut it, once and for all.

You have not removed yourself from the situation long enough to begin to see the damage you have done Matt, but when you have and you really begin to see the damage, you will forget about how good it might have felt temporarily to have two women competing for you, and want to kick yourself in the *ss for having put your wife and kids through this in the first place for an ego boost.

I hope you follow the advice you have been given here Matt and either get rid of that number or have it changed all together. Cut off every avenue of communication, including at work, where you will shortly see her hanging onto some new guy in short order I will bet, or she will be crying and upset everytime you are around. You avoid feeling badly for her by not allowing yourself to be in the situation in the first place. You started by ending, now you have to follow through. This is the hard part.

Sandi

 

Thanks Sandi - truth is I feel like sh*t for upsetting her, especiall if she is genuinely ill. Her text about 'revenge' made me feel bad- as if I'd be pleased that she's ill???!

[norajane]

OW cancelled on me meeting up. I'm afraid her indifference angered me. i guess because I have spent so long with this playing over and over in my mind I wanted somehow for her to be as confused as I was!

 

Anyway I sent her an angry text, saying she was selfish - she'd left me to deal with this aftermath alone and could go back to her life as if nothing had happened while my problems have only just started

 

I know it isn't all her fault, it's mine, but I was venting

 

Anyway she called me a while later and was upset at the 'horrible' things I'd said. We argued, I said I had to now concentrate on being a good husband and a good Dad, which I hadn't been and left it at that

 

2hours later she text again ' I'm so sorry for upsetting you. I'm so confused about me, you, us! I want you to know you are such a super special person xxx'

 

I ignored it then first thing yesterday morning I got ' just thought I'd say hi. You'll be pleased to know I've been upset all night and revenge is sweet as I think I am now ill and will have to visit the Doctor'

 

...

I feel lousy for upsetting OW

I'd like to say I'm over it now, but that's not the case

I'm still thinking of OW

 

 

Matt, this seems like a good time to remind you of Ladyjane's post:

 

What that means Matt, is that in an emotional confrontation... any average woman can 'spin you on your head like a top'. It's not that women are emotionally deeper than men... it's just that we've got better access to our tools.

 

Now... this girl is "working" you. Her words and actions are designed to elicit your response. She's already tried the "I'm your REAL friend" gambit, by sending you home and oh-so-nobly giving you a week to work on your marriage. This was followed by the "Make him jealous" routine which you're seeing tonight.

 

Next on the hit parade, in random order, will be....

* a minor play for your sympathy to test the waters,

* declarations of love accompanied by outpourings of grief (usually presented with pretty tears),

* some kind of personal crisis or emergency,

* and an angry tirade where you'll be verbally emasculated and accused of tucking your tail between your legs and running home to "Mama".

 

ALL these things are designed to push you out of your comfort zone, produce guilt, and keep your mind focused on her. It's not magic that I can predict all that for you, Matt. It's just basic woman-knowledge, (but I admit Drama Queens are actually more predictable than most).

 

Do you see that Ladyjane predicted the OW's manipulations? Do you understand that she is manipulationg you FOR HER OWN GAIN? Do you understand that is the whole point of manipulation - that it is for OW's gain? Do you see that you are FALLING for the manipulation?

 

If you can see that Ladyjane's got this situation pegged correctly, perhaps you can read these words of hers again and let them sink in:

 

It's been suggested to you that you REALLY sit down and try to picture the shoe being on the other foot in this situation. I sincerely hope you'll do that. I want you to imagine some other guy f*cking your wife for three months and how you'd feel rattling around the house knowing that she's gone to meet with him alone. I want you to REALLY feel it, moment by moment... wondering what they're saying, if he's kissing her, if she's sucking his d*ck one last time for old time's sake. It feels ugly, doesn't it?

 

You've had alot of responses on this thread. Not every thread reaches a post count as high as this one in just a couple of days. I think maybe that's because you're running full-tilt into a brick wall that you can't seem to see. So many folks on the sidelines are screaming for you to stop before you go splat... but you just seem to keep right on going.

 

I've got all sorts of pointers to share with you for repairing your marriage, and I know lots of other folks do to... but as HereNow pointed out, you haven't even asked yet. And brother... is time ever wasting.

You've got less opportunity to pull this out of the ditch every minute that passes with your wife not knowing she's your absolute priority.

 

You really, really need to get working on saving your marriage by focusing on your wife and on ACTING and DOING things to save it. Unfortunately, you still don't seem to get it how dangerously close you are to losing everything, not just the fantasy of two women.

 

but if I'm brutally honest, I LOVED the attention of 2 women, and in these thoughtful moments entertain thoughts of 'what would life have been like with her?' - she always talks about how she loves kids and how she'd love mine as much as any we ever had together. I know myself that you never love anyone else's kids like your own. If I saw OW with another man, I guess I'd feeljealous- does that mean I love her? I dunno

 

I fell bad for my W, she so desperately wishes this had never happened, and I am trying to erase all other things out of my mind.I guess any other MM will confirm though that the attention of 2 women is a difficult thing to forget about. Yes it was wrong, but at the time it felt great. Guess I'm not the only one who's ever found that, or there wouldn't be an infidelity forum!

 

Matt