My Wife found out about me

[bestadvisor]

Anyway how do you know his wife is laid back? MATT already stated a few days ago or a week ago that he caught his wife watching the space and his wife loose her appetite, she is in SHOCK!! poor women. now you are just going to say she is laid back? very cold.

 

I agree with you; she's just shocked. Remember him mentioning of those distant look. If she is having those look while driving his kids and something horrible happened, Matt then probably will wake up and stop talking and dreaming about how an animal lover this OW is and how she is nice, etc.

[smoochygirl]

You're so naive. Even after being found out by his wife, he cheats again and probably lied to her about where he was and (definately lied about) what he did. The only difference between him and a serious cheater is that he is doing it with the same woman again and again.

 

You have a point, i feel bad for the wife, now if the wife found out and she still don't leave him, then she is real stupid.

[Tomcat33]

Ok if you are so sure to yourself that your MM's W is as bad as you portrayed her to be here and in your head why is your MM(exmm) is still MARRIED to her? Don't give me financial reason crap, there is no reason to stay married if one's is not happy. SO IT IS THE WIFES FAULT? is that what you are saying here? OMG i should never ever be laid back on my marriage Im too afraid my husband would strayed if trust him too much, Most MM strayed because they are selfish, they need ego boost, they want to feel young again, they want to feel the attention of a single person. I notice that you are so IN to matt's situation because maybe you can see you're previous situation in matt's OW.

.

 

 

First of all I never said my ex's W is bad. It is not about being good or bad, it is about being laid back or not wanting to see what is infront of you. I know for a fact my ex's W is like that because I am almost 6 months post breakup and he is still up to his antics he is still lying to her, he has taken out numerous email accounts to reach me, he has called me from their house and is still lying to her making her believe they are working on the marriage when he is still professing his love to me.

I have many other reasons I don't wish to explain here and when I hear Matt tell his story it reminds me a LOT of what my ex is living through now. They basically still find a way to do what they have been doing all long, cheating and lying and neither one is really committed to working on the marriage whole heartedly.

 

I don't and NEVER will understand how a man who has just been caught for cheating and is on the verge of losing everything (in theory because in practice there does not seem to be any sense of urgency to get his act together) can stroll into his house weeks after D-day after having spent the whole night with his OW drinking and having sex?!?! What person does not catch on to that again? There is something severly wrong with this picture. I am not blaming his W I question how much she is wanting to see and how much she isn't.

 

Sorry.

[smoochygirl]

Smoochygirl, I dont believe you can respect and love a wife and cheat on her with thoughts of leaving her and two little babies after 3 months with an OW. If I was his OW I would seriously be thinking how easy it has been for himself to detach himself from his W and family and that would be a red flag to me, no matter how in love I was with him.

 

The best solution in my mind would be for Matt to work on his M, see if it is salvagable. If that works, great, for him, his W, the kids and the OW (who can move on). If it doesn't at least he tried with all his might to save his M - he doesn't realise he will have just as many "what ifs" if he tries to forge a relationship with OW. "What if...I had stayed...would I have been able to make it work...would W still love me...would my kids turned out the way they turned out...would I be happier...".

 

I feel for Matt. We all make mistakes and at least he's been honest, no matter how awful the truth sounds, on this forum. I just think he's failing to notice the increasingly rapid massive juggernaut heading towards him called "reality"

You are probably right, but i don't agree that he needs to work on his M if he doesn't even love his wife and kids, if thats my husband that would be a huge slap in my face. His wife is not strong enough to leave him, i do hope she will. Matt i don't mean to be harsh, Im just trying to put my shoe on your wife shoe.

[Tomcat33]

I am certain that if Matt's W finds out he spent the night with the OW she will not only not kick him out she will give him the "option of staying or going" That's how laid back people operate they don't take action they leave their decisions up to the other, she clearly does not want to commit to kicking him out because she wants him there more than she wants him out, cheating and continuing lies and all. Matt sees this and therefore has no real sense of ugency in getting his act together.

 

It is quite transparent to me. He admitted he crave drama to a certian extent perhaps he craves more asseritveness and a real sense of the possibility of losing his W in order to pull up his pants and react and she is just not going to give him that.

[bestadvisor]

I wonder how proud Matt's parents, siblings, wife, kids, peers will be when they found out that even after his wife found out about he affair, he contintues to have a drinking and sex party with the other woman. One can't help but wonder if that group of people will ever complete be proud of him again.

 

Yes, I am a little harsh, but that's the truth.

[Tomcat33]

I wonder how proud Matt's parents, siblings, wife, kids, peers will be when they found out that even after his wife found out about he affair, he contintues to have a drinking and sex party with the other woman. One can't help but wonder if that group of people will ever complete be proud of him again.

 

Yes, I am a little harsh, but that's the truth.

 

 

Oh c'mon let's not make this into something that isn't, he is not out having orgies. He is in love with another woman and he put himself in a vulnerable position allowing himself to be weak and do what he should not be doing, reconnecting with his OW.

 

I had once suggested earlier on that he meet with her in a neutral place to break it off with her, but now it has proven that he is not capable of meeting her without giving in to the temptation to continue the A. I think if Matt really wanted to end the A the meeting would have happened at a neutral place with no room for any sort of hanky panky. But that's not the case.

 

Matt if you really want to end things with this woman you need to stop seeing her and especially at her place or going for dinner or any sort of "date" You are not with her anymmore so stop dating her. Or are you?

[smoochygirl]

I am certain that if Matt's W finds out he spent the night with the OW she will not only not kick him out she will give him the "option of staying or going" That's how laid back people operate they don't take action they leave their decisions up to the other, she clearly does not want to commit to kicking him out because she wants him there more than she wants him out, cheating and continuing lies and all. Matt sees this and therefore has no real sense of ugency in getting his act together.

 

It is quite transparent to me. He admitted he crave drama to a certian extent perhaps he craves more asseritveness and a real sense of the possibility of losing his W in order to pull up his pants and react and she is just not going to give him that.

 

I agree with this a lot.

[smoochygirl]

Oh c'mon let's not make this into something that isn't, he is not out having orgies. He is in love with another woman and he put himself in a vulnerable position allowing himself to be weak and do what he should not be doing, reconnecting with his OW.

 

I had once suggested earlier on that he meet with her in a neutral place to break it off with her, but now it has proven that he is not capable of meeting her without giving in to the temptation to continue the A. I think if Matt really wanted to end the A the meeting would have happened at a neutral place with no room for any sort of hanky panky. But that's not the case.

 

Matt if you really want to end things with this woman you need to stop seeing her and especially at her place or going for dinner or any sort of "date" You are not with her anymmore so stop dating her. Or are you?

 

Do you still believe that he is in love with his OW? he love's the ecstasy, her physical beauty, her youth, the ego boost he is getting from her knowing a lot of guy's are after her but look he got her, and most of all the SEX satisfaction. I am anxious to see where it'll take them when they end up together. a family man who don't have self control and a party girl. good combination.

Just remember matt beauty and youth fade away but inner beauty stays forever. this is what your wife have inner beauty and i believe she will have this forever, your OW will loose what she have now in the next 30 years, then what will you do? strayed again when she don't have what you want from her?

[bestadvisor]

Just remember matt beauty and youth fade away but inner beauty stays forever. this is what your wife have inner beauty and i believe she will have this forever, your OW will loose what she have now in the next 30 years, then what will you do? strayed again when she don't have what you want from her?

 

 

30 years? I will be very surpised if it last more than 3 years if they live together.

[smoochygirl]

30 years? I will be very surpised if it last more than 3 years if they live together.

 

Yeah your right, Im just saying that MATT OW will loose all she got that he likes from her when she is really old, if i believe what matt is saying about her, i picture her as witch in my head.

[Mr. Lucky]

Oh gimme a break, no one is stealing anything. Matt is not foreign peice stitting on the mantle at the neighbour's home, he is a person with free will and the ability not only to say NO but to make changes.

It really bothers me when people use the example of stealing like the poor little married guy has no choice, he is just a little statue of a man put in the evil OW's purse and snatched off into far away lands. :laugh:

 

Sorry but particularly in this case there is absolutely no stealing going on. Matt admits he lead a woman on, he admits he lied to her to get what she wanted, and the OW bought it. That's not stealing that's called misleading.

Wow, fast moving thread!

 

TC, you either missed my point or chose to ignore it. Matt isn't the "victim" here, he is easily the most culpable person in the entire sad drama. The people being "stolen" from here, by BOTH matt and the OW, are obviously his W and children. The fact that Matt is a spineless coward doesn't change the fact that his OW is a sneaky, drama-filled homewrecker who, like Matt, doesn't give a sh*t about the other people affected by this whole thing.

 

I hope his W kicks him to the curb - he and the OW truly deserve each other...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tomcat33]

Wow, fast moving thread!

 

TC, you either missed my point or chose to ignore it. Matt isn't the "victim" here, he is easily the most culpable person in the entire sad drama. The people being "stolen" from here, by BOTH matt and the OW, are obviously his W and children. The fact that Matt is a spineless coward doesn't change the fact that his OW is a sneaky, drama-filled homewrecker who, like Matt, doesn't give a sh*t about the other people affected by this whole thing.

 

I hope his W kicks him to the curb - he and the OW truly deserve each other...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

No I did not misread what you said you said the exact same thing you just explained here. And I insist in order for someone to be stolen it has to happen against their will, this man is very much willing and capable of putting himself in a situation with another woman to deceit his family. So I still don't see how he is being stolen?

 

If the W and kids are lacking a parent/husband it is because he is chosing to go missing NOT because he was kidnapped. That's what stealing, to me implies.

 

The homewrecker is Matt, it is HIS home it is HIS responsibility to not break that home.

[Mino]

Been following you Tomcat, great postings as always;) My opinion is he is not done with ow. He will go back, they usually do..... Gee if I count how many times we tried no contact, broke up.... and we are still together. He is not over ow , so he will continue to see her, cause he cant help it:love: and the wife will look the other way, trust me on this one

[Hard2Think]

I was gone for a few days, and look at all this ..!

 

Matt is in deep, just the way I was when I first posted here. I was ready to leave my wife for the OW, something that now seems completely insane. And insane it was .. That's pretty much where Matt is now. He's the same raving lunatic I was. I believe I know exactly where he's at.

 

I was lucky in a way that OW came to the house and launched her nuclear first strike, because that brought me instantaneously right back down to earth. I was not even tempted to contact her again since that day. She spared me the ambivalence and the withdrawals.

 

But had she not done that, I recognize that I would have had alot of trouble quitting her. In fact we did break up a few times in the past for that reason and then found we were too addicted to each other not to re-start our relationship.

 

It's because of this that I think it's unfair to suggest that he tell his wife about his transgression, or about his despair in not seeing her again. I just can't see how anyting good that can come out of that if he's really trying to quit cold turkey. Maybe it's better he see an IC and tell him/her if and when he falters. The fact is that he doesn't even realize how nuts he is right now. He's willing to do things he would otherwise never do because of this mental state he's in, which makes it a little harsh to judge his moral character at this point in the game.

 

But at the same time, I agree with most of you here that he's taking huge risks every time he sees the OW behind his wife's back. He's fueling his own insanity, and he's burning the bridges that lead to the return to his family.

 

I think Matt needs that moment of realization that the OW is not what he wants and only then will he be able to make the move to get back with his wife. Maybe it will take OW to come to his house pounding on his door at 3 AM while she's half drunk after a night of partying. Or maybe it'll take some time being away from OW to see her in a more objective light.

 

Maybe the best thing his wife could do is kick him out. She may be being too understanding of all this. I really am surprised that she's taken this apparently as well as she has. I don't know what to make of that. Might she have been a little devoid of passion for him as well?

[JamesM]

Matty needs advice right now, and even if the posts seem to conflict, let him read them and ask for further clarification.

 

Matty, I think you need to focus, too. Which woman is more important? You may only choose one. Then proceed. I am afraid like some others that if you do not choose soon, you will not have either as a choice. Your wife is on the verge of leaving. Her "quiet dignity" is a cover for her anger, hurt and fears. She is doing a lot of thinking lately, too. Trust me....as soon as you have made your choice, she will be making hers. AT this point she has not. She is showing you that she DOES love you by supporting you during this time, but I think you have not seen the depths of her hurt.

 

Make your choice and proceed. Wait and be indecisive and your marriage will be over soon. As for the OW (who is not an evil woman but a "woman scorned"), you need to let her live her life. The more you desire to contact her and maker her feel better, the more likely that you will lose your wife. The more you contact the OW, the more you will feel that attraction return. And this is fine...IF this is whom you want to spend your life with. Because I hear indecisiveness, I feel that you will be back in her arms. Until I read that you have initiated NC with the OW and initiated reconciliation and counseling with the wife, I am afraid that you are still on the verge of divorce.

 

BTW, I won't touch the "animal lovers are emotional" comment either...well, maybe a little. This is way off topic, but I am a huge animal lover, and I have a very hard time crying. My boys even asked my wife, "Doesn't Dad miss Maggie?" And that was because I couldn't cry. So, I took time to explain that inside I hurt, but that not everyone can show emotions outwardly. Just as not all OWs are evil, so it is that not all animal lovers are emotional.

[bestadvisor]

If Matt ever in contact the OW again, which I am SURE he will and IF he still really wants to end things with her, here is what he should tell her:

 

1) I love my wife more than I love you.

2) You cannot replace the past XX great years I have with my wife.

3) With you it was fun and all, but I have choose to be with my wife because I love her more.

4) Stop contacting me because I don't want to hurt the love of my life (my wife) any more.

 

If Matt said number 1 and 3 clearly enough, the OW will get it and maybe back out....maybe.

 

Don't say:

1) I am choosing my wife because of the kids.

2) I love both you and my wife

3) It hurts me breaking up with you.

3) Let's meet and talk this over for closure's sake

[Jinnah]

Your wife found out about you?! Good!! You seem so shocked... what did you expect?! I feel bad for your wife, and for your soul.

[Tomcat33]

If Matt ever in contact the OW again, which I am SURE he will and IF he still really wants to end things with her, here is what he should tell her:

 

1) I love my wife more than I love you.

2) You cannot replace the past XX great years I have with my wife.

3) With you it was fun and all, but I have choose to be with my wife because I love her more.

4) Stop contacting me because I don't want to hurt the love of my life (my wife) any more.

 

 

I agree if he were to say those things to the OW she would be crazy not to get the picture and back off.

 

However NEVER in the history of A ending have I heard a man say that to the OW. Let's face it most if not all cheaters, who also happen to be men DON'T want to be the bad guy, they would rather lie and "ease"their way out of the A than to step up and tell it like it is, if it is like that.

 

I highly doubt Matt would ever say that. I hate to make this stereo typical comment but gonna anyway, a woman is more inclined to say something like that than a man is.

 

The man lines are as follows:

 

Staying for the kids.

I feel sorry for my W I can't hurt her like that.

I did things terribly wrong now I have to fix them.

 

Bottom line: a guy in the cheater shoes will never come clean.

[Jinnah]

Seriously though, make it work with your wife! Be grateful for what you have!

[hot123]

save your wife the heartache and leave her for the other woman than you can get bored with her after shes not forbidden anymore and move on to a new one every few months or so...great way to show your poor children how NOT to be a man! way to go...

[Mr. Lucky]

Matt, you may simply need to figure out some ground rules for you're life. Right now, you want committment with your wife as long as it's easy to do, and excitement with the OW as long as the price isn't too high. What to do???

 

Mr. Lucky

[mattym]

 

Matt, you may simply need to figure out some ground rules for you're life. Right now, you want committment with your wife as long as it's easy to do, and excitement with the OW as long as the price isn't too high. What to do???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You know, I guess you could be right. Nicely put. That probabl IS what I wanted, if I could achieve that I would have it all

 

Sadly, this isn't just about me though, is it?

 

On the one hand I have a dedicated, caring Wife, who I guess (in my eyes) got so wrapped up being a Mother that she stopped being a Wife. We had several years together, I felt it was monotonous, and the 'thrill ' had left. However she is just about the only partner who I ever had who provided stability in my life, and was elxible, preventing the need for constant battle to get something my way

 

On the other hand is OW, who provided excitement, sexual thrills, danger, compliments and the prospect of a thrilling future. However this prospect never seemed realistic. She was emotional, over -reacted, deceptive and in many ways controlling, wanting either things 'her way' or not bothering

 

 

That was what attracted me. Of course, these were both women who wanted more than half of me, some of the time and of course something had to give

 

My W and I chatted again tonight about things. Thats every night now for a month. I was home on time, as i always used to be before all this

 

OW called my phone today. I saw it was her though & didn't answer

 

For the first time in months I actually focussed at work today, which was a pleasant change. No secrets to think about hiding when I got home I guess

 

Do you think there's anyway for OW and I to at least be sociable when we see each other? To put it all down to life experience?

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

Matt

[bestadvisor]

On the other hand is OW, who provided excitement, sexual thrills, danger, compliments and the prospect of a thrilling future. However this prospect never seemed realistic. She was emotional, over -reacted, deceptive and in many ways controlling, wanting either things 'her way' or not bothering

 

Do you think there's anyway for OW and I to at least be sociable when we see each other? To put it all down to life experience?

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

Matt

 

I have two questions and one comment:

 

1) Did you use protection? Will you be tested for STDs?

2) Did you or will you tell your wife about your dinner and sex with OW that happened few days ago?

 

I am sure you and this woman will commit sin again because you have don't have much respect for your wife and marriage doens't really mean that much to guys like you.

[whichwayisup]

Do you think there's anyway for OW and I to at least be sociable when we see each other? To put it all down to life experience?

 

NO. NO. NO. And, NO! Not a chance in h-e-double hockey sticks!! You can never be friends with the OW again, unless you end your marriage first. Then, go ahead, do what you want.

 

who I guess (in my eyes) got so wrapped up being a Mother that she stopped being a Wife.

 

Did you ever tell her you felt neglected? See, this is partially your fault as well, for not telling her, speaking up your mind! So many couples go through this when they have kids, and if you cannot communicate your needs, one or both in a marriage, close themselves off and stop trying to woo their spouse! THIS is how affairs happen.

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

 

Do you want to stop being a thrill-chaser? Do you honestly really want to BE married and BE a family man? If yes, then seek that one on one counselling, go to marriage counselling with your wife and work hard to make it work. Make your wife your first priority, like you can't live without her! Make yourself believe that you don't NEED that thrill outside of the marriage, that you can find it within yourself, within your marriage and your wife! Spice it up, DO fun stuff together, don't just fall into the "roles" of hubby and wife, daddy and mommy to the kids...You two need to be friends and lovers, as well as husband and wife...All rolled into one.