My Wife found out about me

[JamesM]

Yeah I think Matt needs to put his foot down firmly with the OW, tell her I love my W I want to be with her I want it to work, I love my family and I want it back. That should be clear enough for the OW. I don't know too many cheaters that have the cojones to say that though...unfortunately...

 

I don't think telling his W about the last sexual encounter with the OW

is going to help.

 

I agree with the first statement about what he should say, but I do not think he can do it in person.

 

As for not telling the wife about his second sexual encounter with the OW.....

 

that is the question: should he tell his wife that he cheated after he said he wouldn't? Or should he keep that a secret "forever?"

[bestadvisor]

that is the question: should he tell his wife that he cheated after he said he wouldn't? Or should he keep that a secret "forever?"

 

If he keep that a secret, wouldn't it be also much easier to keep a second, third....secret?

 

Am I correct in my understanding that Matt had come clean with his Wife about everything (except details) about this affair with the exception of this last sexual encounter?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Yeah I think Matt needs to put his foot down firmly with the OW, tell her I love my W I want to be with her I want it to wprk, I love my family and I want it back. That should be clear enough for the OW. I don't know too many cheaters that have the cojones to say that though...unfortunately...

 

I don't think telling his W about the last sexual encounter with the OW

is going to help.

 

Hi TC,

 

I think telling the W about the last sexual encounter at least allows Matt a clean slate to rebuild his M. If I was Matt, I'd be shaking in my boots that OW was going to ring on the doorbell - not that I personally think she will from her behaviour - but stranger things have happened. That's the problem with Matt keeping this secret, its going to be hanging over his head and only depends on whether the OW decides not to disclose.

 

At least by telling W now, Matt gets everything out in the open and doesn't store up pain and deceit for the future. Thats when he's going to suffer most, once the drama settles down and he needs to actually focus on his M, focus on his W, deal with all of her questions, account for his time, return to reality.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I agree with the first statement about what he should say, but I do not think he can do it in person.

 

As for not telling the wife about his second sexual encounter with the OW.....

 

that is the question: should he tell his wife that he cheated after he said he wouldn't? Or should he keep that a secret "forever?"

 

Nope. Tell her now. Let his W deal with it now. They're going to need that clean slate for the long uphill struggle of rebuilding their M in the future.

[Tomcat33]

Hi TC,

 

I think telling the W about the last sexual encounter at least allows Matt a clean slate to rebuild his M. If I was Matt, I'd be shaking in my boots that OW was going to ring on the doorbell - not that I personally think she will from her behaviour - but stranger things have happened. That's the problem with Matt keeping this secret, its going to be hanging over his head and only depends on whether the OW decides not to disclose.

 

At least by telling W now, Matt gets everything out in the open and doesn't store up pain and deceit for the future. Thats when he's going to suffer most, once the drama settles down and he needs to actually focus on his M, focus on his W, deal with all of her questions, account for his time, return to reality.

 

Hi JNR

Yeah I have to agree with everthing you said, as well as JamesM and BestAdvisor, all good points.

 

tough one really. No more lies would be ideal.

 

I especially agree with the last part of your post JNR that's going to be a real hurdle, reality will not be easy but it's all part of the process I suppose.

 

Yeah and keeping the secret might faciliate him to lie again...

[JamesM]

Nope. Tell her now. Let his W deal with it now. They're going to need that clean slate for the long uphill struggle of rebuilding their M in the future.

 

 

So, if I was matty, what advice would you give me on how to tell my wife?

 

I know...tell the truth, but the truth can be said in many ways. In one way, it can be harsh and cruel. In another, it can be honest and loving.

 

The question is now...how should he tell of the second sexual encounter?

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

So, if I was matty, what advice would you give me on how to tell my wife?

 

I know...tell the truth, but the truth can be said in many ways. In one way, it can be harsh and cruel. In another, it can be honest and loving.

 

The question is now...how should he tell of the second sexual encounter?

 

If it was me? I'd say something to the effect of:

 

"I am SO sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. I want us to rebuild our marriage, more than anything else. Its you I want and I'm going to put words into actions by leaving work because I dont want you to ever have to worry about me seeing OW again, by accounting for my time, by going to independent counselling and by asking you what you need from me to help us rebuild this mess I have made. I want to show you and our relationship respect from this moment. But to do that, I need to take a risk. I need to take the risk of being completely honest with you and I need to suffer the consequences. I have to take that risk because I know I owe our future and all of the hard work we have to put into our M the truth. I lied to you. Once more, I lied to you. I slept with the OW recently. I did it because there's something missing in me, some monster that needs feeding that I need to get rid of. And my first step to silencing that monster is telling you a painful horrible truth. Do what you will, but please know that the truth is what you deserve and from this moment on, you will always get the truth."

 

But I'm not Matt. I dont think he will take the risk. But if I was his W I'd sure respect him more for taking that risk with the truth, than hoping for the best - and taking that risk in the future when I was finally on the path to rebuilding.

[Tomcat33]

So, if I was matty, what advice would you give me on how to tell my wife?

 

I know...tell the truth, but the truth can be said in many ways. In one way, it can be harsh and cruel. In another, it can be honest and loving.

 

The question is now...how should he tell of the second sexual encounter?

 

 

Well once he is convinced of how wrong it was what he did, because crocodile trears are futile, explain to her that he was weak that he meant to see her to end things and got sucked into the the whole thing again and ended up sleeping with her and realises now that it was a HUGE mistake, that he was weak and cannot be trusted to be responsible right now and this is why he feels the need to come clean with her because it is the only way he will stick to his word, by being honest with his W.

 

But confessing does not mean saying the OW conned me or tempted me or whatever it is that cheaters say to get out of the hot water, can he do that though? Can he be 100% honest and take responsibility for his actions? Or will he just resort to what all the cowards do and say "the OW the homewrecker won't leave me alone and she made me sleep with her"

 

What I see a LOT is that cheaters make stuff up to win their W's over and allow the lying to happen the other way around. it's not wonder most BSs think it's the OW who does all the pursuing and neglects to see their spouses for their true actions, it's what cowards want their BSs to see.

 

I think it is a TALL order to fill, can it be done?

 

He would then tell his W he will NEVER, EVER see the OW again, and that if she wants he can make the call infront of her to tell the OW exactly what was mentioned before, that he loves his W that he wants to be with her and his children and that there is no more turning back. Have it all out COMPELTELY in the open, expecting the worst from both sides but HONESTY first and foremost. I think this would be a step in the right direction in showing his W just how serious he is at committing to his promise, to work very hard at what matters to him most.

 

But of course in order for this to happen Matt must be fully convinced it's what he wants. If he sticks to the plan of keeping NC with the OW and stops with the lies I think in a few weeks once the initial shock of the A break up subsides, he CAN do it.

[Tomcat33]

"I am SO sorry for all of the pain I have caused you. I want us to rebuild our marriage, more than anything else. Its you I want and I'm going to put words into actions by leaving work because I dont want you to ever have to worry about me seeing OW again, by accounting for my time, by going to independent counselling and by asking you what you need from me to help us rebuild this mess I have made. I want to show you and our relationship respect from this moment. But to do that, I need to take a risk. I need to take the risk of being completely honest with you and I need to suffer the consequences. I have to take that risk because I know I owe our future and all of the hard work we have to put into our M the truth. I lied to you. Once more, I lied to you. I slept with the OW recently. I did it because there's something missing in me, some monster that needs feeding that I need to get rid of. And my first step to silencing that monster is telling you a painful horrible truth. Do what you will, but please know that the truth is what you deserve and from this moment on, you will always get the truth."

 

.

 

 

That's an excellent response JNR!!

[Ladyjane14]

Do you think there's anyway for OW and I to at least be sociable when we see each other? To put it all down to life experience?

 

 

Nope. This is just your "stinking thinker" again, Matt, wanting to FEED your inner addict. Your squirming like this because you're in withdrawal, looking for ways to circumvent the truth of your situation.

 

According to Dr. Harley:

.... any contact between the unfaithful spouse and the lover ruins reconciliation. Even casual contact prevents completion of withdrawal from the addiction of an affair.

Your marriage can't recover unless ALL contact is severed. You're not the only person involved here Matt. You can never be sure of OW's motives for one thing. And your wife's wounds can't heal if you keep reopening them through contact with OW. She can never be sure of your commitment to her.

 

Also, is there any way to stop the thrill-seeker in me going out looking for this again?

You might talk to your doctor about anti-depressants. "Thrill seeking" is a dopamine search in most cases. It's kind of like applying a band-aid... a temporary fix for an underlying problem.

 

Often, the underlying problem is low levels of available seratonin within the body. An SSRI (selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor) can 'put the fire out' on the "dopamine search" and give your body time to realign itself. 38 isn't too young for a guy to be experiencing this kind of midlife readjustment in the neurotransmitters.

 

 

p.s. You are FEEDING your 'love addiction' by allowing yourself to obsess about the OW. You need to be a little more strict with your thought patterns. When you catch yourself thinking about OW, imagine you are changing pages while surfing the internet. Move your thoughts with great DELIBERATION onto something else.

[Ladyjane14]

As for not telling the wife about his second sexual encounter with the OW.....

 

that is the question: should he tell his wife that he cheated after he said he wouldn't? Or should he keep that a secret "forever?"

 

There's nothing I'd like better than for that poor woman to know THE TRUTH of her situation. I hate lies, and I believe that EVERYBODY ought to have the correct data with which to make their own decisions regarding their own life.

 

That said, Matt needs to understand that the risk to the marriage is HUGE should he decide to confess his latest indiscretion. He's already seen his wife's tears and her trauma. If she's like most betrayed spouses, she's suffering through the "infidelity diet" right about now... losing weight, hair falling out, and feeling sick to her stomach all the time.

What he's done, after having witnessed her pain, is a nearly unforgivable slap in the face.

 

This is a decision I'd be uncomfortable to give advice on.

[bestadvisor]

There's nothing I'd like better than for that poor woman to know THE TRUTH of her situation. I hate lies, and I believe that EVERYBODY ought to have the correct data with which to make their own decisions regarding their own life.

 

That said, Matt needs to understand that the risk to the marriage is HUGE should he decide to confess his latest indiscretion. He's already seen his wife's tears and her trauma. If she's like most betrayed spouses, she's suffering through the "infidelity diet" right about now... losing weight, hair falling out, and feeling sick to her stomach all the time.

What he's done, after having witnessed her pain, is a nearly unforgivable slap in the face.

 

This is a decision I'd be uncomfortable to give advice on.

 

The biggest problem is that Matt feels casual about the lattest encouner with the OW, unlike the first time when he got caught that he felt that he doesn't deserve to live. It's not so bad anymore in Matt's mind.

[Ladyjane14]

It's not so bad anymore in Matt's mind.

 

He's a fool if he thinks a second D-Day isn't going to cost him. Hell, even ONE instance of physical cheating would have been enough for me to put a man out. NOBODY is going to play STD-roulette with MY life.

 

Exposing a mate to life-threatening sexual risks is no small thing. It's like saying, "I don't care if you live or die".

[JamesM]

He's a fool if he thinks a second D-Day isn't going to cost him.

 

And I highly doubt he has the courage to tell her. Truthfully, I am not sure I could or would. That may not be right, but it would be a survival tactic. If he wants his family, then he may simply hide this last encounter and hope that the OW does not spill his secret.

 

It is definitely russian roulette, but it may be simply do I lose her now? or will I lose her sometime in the future...maybe? I think the future risk is easier to handle than the immediate reality.

[Jinnah]

He's a fool if he thinks a second D-Day isn't going to cost him. Hell, even ONE instance of physical cheating would have been enough for me to put a man out. NOBODY is going to play STD-roulette with MY life.

 

Exposing a mate to life-threatening sexual risks is no small thing. It's like saying, "I don't care if you live or die".

 

Yeah, I agree. Just thinking about this pisses me off. She has the right to make an INFORMED decision. You shouldn't make it for her by hiding it.

[herenow]

OK, I didn't get past the post from Matt about his having sex with the OW again. It's clear that nothing that has been said here has made any difference to Matt what so ever. Many people BS and OW alike have given Matt some very sound advice. Many have shared their own experiences to help show Matt how damaging affairs are to all involved.

 

Bottom line, Matt wants both women to play their parts and so far he has it. As long as his wife is willing to put up with his games, and the OW is willing to put out, Matt will continue to keep both women in his life.

 

Someone else, either his wife, the OW or hopefully both, will need to put an end to their own misery. Neither of these women deserve to be treated this way.

 

Sorry if this has been said already, I don't have the time to read all the posts.

[mattym]

Hi all

 

Hope you don't mind, this is like catharsis posting here - even if it gets me roasted by some people!

 

I know that to some people here I am dirt on their shoe for having done what I've done. I can understand that. A few years ago I'd have even agreed with it probably! But I guess this whole thing will teach me not to judge people quite as quickly as I used ot. I used and still do, think I am a pretty nice guy in essence. Yes, I've done something wrong but does that necessairly make 'me' wrong?

 

Anyway I hope you'll tolerate me posting here about today- not because I want praise or condemnation, just because it really helps me to journal things to get it out of my system. You know how I would have got things out my system before..and who with!

 

Chatted until late into the night with my Wife last night. I feel awful, not only because of what I've put her through, but because the oW keeps coming into my thoughts, and that in turn makes me feel additionally guilty

 

Well we talked for hours, she wants to talk about her. Is she prettier than her? Is she slimmer? I guess she doesn't have any baby weight to shift as she's never had kids etc. My Wife was, and still is, a very attractive woman. After 2 kids she's still only Size 10 (UK) and she's always worked out every day. I thought of some of the points here and told her it wasn't down to who was better looking etc, it really wasn't. It was about how she had me feel, that there's something wrong with ME to need this kind of constant love to make me feel complete. My W said ' would you have left me for her if we didn't have the kids?' I immediately said 'No' - but would I ? hell I don't know, things would have been very different in that situation, and the ramifications less, so who knows?

 

I try all day long to think straight but it's such a battle.

 

half the day I think ' how can i make my W feel better?' the other half I feel like some daft 15 yr old who's been dumped by the first time

 

You see, I KNOW what I did was wrong, I KNOW i put myself first, nd deep down, I guess I KNOW things were never going to work out with a nice happy ending for all concerned, yet I still did it. I know some would say 'typical cheater' but I don't believe anyone sets out deliberately to hurt others

 

I'm not sure if my brain's playing tricks on me, but I think of life in the excitement lane it was in a month or so ago, and how great i felt about myself, then I think to now. In many respects I'm now alone, and I have one hell of a battle to regain anything like what i had before all this mess, yet I have half the strength I did then. How do I overcome that?

 

My W asks if I'm thinking of OW and i strenuously deny it. I have no desire to hurt her anymore. But even then, I'm lying. OW is in my thoughts. let me explain

 

I think of OW, of the fun we had and the 'connection' we had, but I don't think 'i'm leaving W and begging OW to take me back' I just miss the fun and excitement of the experience of being with her. Of going out, making sure we were'nt recognised, of stealing moments together. I miss the 'buzz' I guess. And people may condemn me for that, but it's how I feel and life seems fraught now with hard work, mistrust and routine

 

I threw myself into work today, to keep my brain occupied. Fine for a few hours, then a quiet moment hits, or a song comes on the radio int he background, and I'm back, wondering what OW is doing. Is she seeing someone else already? is she wondering what I'm doing? Hell does she even miss me? Did she EVER care about me or was I risking all and being taken for a ride? Is she laughing at my situation now?

 

The feelings range from missing her, to feeling low, to feeling angry, then to feeling scared what might happen next

 

Today in a quiet moment I literally held my head in my hands and willed this woman out of my head. Didn't work though. I feel paralised sometimes

 

She called 40 mins ago - I know it was her. No msg left, and I didn't answer

 

Christ this is tough

[bestadvisor]

What about STD testing, Matt?

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure if my brain's playing tricks on me, but I think of life in the excitement lane it was in a month or so ago, and how great i felt about myself, then I think to now. In many respects I'm now alone, and I have one hell of a battle to regain anything like what i had before all this mess, yet I have half the strength I did then. How do I overcome that?

 

This is withdrawal, Matt. If you can stick it out for 21 days with ZERO contact, you're going to have a whole different perspective than you do today. But you need to enlist your wife and take steps to PREVENT temptation. Change your contact information, take some time off from work, look for another job... whatever it takes to keep your NC strong.

 

And please... see you doctor for a depression screening. You need to get checked for STDs anyway, so why not go ahead and get it taken care of?

 

Withdrawal from an affair can lead to depression according to Dr. Harley. And really, all this talk of feeling "alone" and having "half the strength", coupled with the possible physiological changes I mentioned earlier... I think depression should be a real concern at this point.

[JustBreathe]

You are doing so much permanent damage.

 

One day you will look back, as my H does now, and fully comprehend how worthless the OW was, how substandard she was in comparison to your wife, and how those exciting "stolen moments" were not worth the loss of your wife's love and trust as the "buzz" will leave you and you see the truth every time you look in the mirror. The damage you are doing to your marriage will be permanent and real, while your high is only temporary and false.

 

You will see your wife's love deteriorate before you very eyes. He health affected. She will age. Oh, she will lose those extra pounds you complain about. I lost 15 pounds in three months because I lost my appetite completely. I became depressed and thought about suicide a great deal. How I would carry it out. The only thing that kept me from it was my children and how they needed me.

 

I lost alot of my hair from stress also (it grew back thankfully), handfuls would come out and clog the drain when I washed it. I went back to smoking after having quit for 10 years and still smoke - nervousness I guess. I had a very bad car accident because I was depressed and distracted, and now have a compressed disc in my lower back which hurts daily, and neck and shoulder pain. Briefly, I began drinking heavily and would even mix it with prescription drugs I had left over from surgery. Even with Nyquil. I did not care if I overdosed. I am surprised I did not. I became completely dysfunctional, ignored my children and my appearance, was nearly fired at work for not showing up as some days I could not get out of bed, much less work. I cried every day on my way to work and on my way home for at least a year, probably more like 2 years, I don't remember. A long time. I often thought about bypassing the exit to my job, cleaning out the bank account, and just driving forever until I ran out of money or the car gave out.

 

What you're doing is serious.

 

I was not strong. Your wife sounds as if she is. Who knows, maybe your wife will tire of your fencesitting, shallow behavior and disloyalty, maybe she will get sick of feeling ugly and unloved and unwanted, second best, and it will be she who leaves you. A person can take only so much. Your wife is no exception.

[silktricks]

MattyM, JustBreathe is telling you the god's honest truth. You need to pay attention to what your selfishness is doing to your wife. Like JB, I was suicidal and the only reason I am still on this planet is because my H had enough knowledge of the signs to stop me. Unlike your OW, I didn't threaten, I didn't talk about it, I planned it.

 

Though I didn't lose my hair, what I could manage to eat I promptly threw up and lost 25 pounds in about 2 months. I couldn't think, couldn't make a decision about ANYTHING and almost lost my job, as thinking and decision making is a pretty important part of it. I dreamt of running away for so long. . . just vanishing into thin air. My husband put all of our money into accounts that required both of our signatures as he was afraid that he'd come home and I'd be gone.

 

What you've done is beyond selfish. Grow up and start acting like a human instead of pond scum.

[mattym]

What you've done is beyond selfish. Grow up and start acting like a human instead of pond scum.

 

I am trying to rebuild my M and keep my family together. I could come on here and say 'everything's great, what WAS I thinking?' but that would be a lie. The truth is all 3 of us involved have been hurt here. True, 1 is innocent, 2 are not, but we are all hurt just the same

 

I am trying to keep my family together for the sake of my M and my Kids future, and not put todays lust first and run off with the OW in the hope that it might ' all work out' despite the red flags

 

I thought that was grown up

[bestadvisor]

I thought that was grown up

 

I could be wrong, only you know, but it seems that you spent far more time thinking about your own needs and feelings than what you're doing to your wife. IF you can only spent a little more time putting yourself in your wife's shoes....

[whichwayisup]

Matty, when your wife asks you if you are thinking of the OW, don't lie to her and tell her you're not. You're just digging the hole bigger and bigger....She also isn't stupid! There is NO way someone can have an affair for 3 months and then NEVER think of the person they had the affair with so soon after D-Day. What you tell her is, you are getting over it and dealing with it, doing ALL that you can to push the thoughts of the OW OUT of your mind. By denying it is making a fool of your wife...Sooner or later she is going to figure it out and start asking MORE questions.

 

Let's put it this way - IF she asks you "Have you seen the OW since D-Day?" TAKE advantage of that and tell her the truth of your recent roll with the OW in bed. Lay it ALL out on the line because sooner or later she will put two and two together ,especially since the OW keeps on calling you. AND, your wife should be told EVERY TIME the OW calls your cellphone. No more keepin your wife in the dark. It'll hurt, but atleast you'd be honest and truthful...Which at the end of the day your wife WILL respect, even if it pisses her off, hurts her and makes her sick...HONESTY MATTY. You gotta just do it and come clean.

[bestadvisor]

There are two questions that Matt is not answering:

 

1) Whether he was protected everytime. Even if the aswer was "yes," is he going to get tested for STD? (He totally ignored comments about this one.)

 

2) Will he be honest with his wife from now on and tell her everything that has happened? (based on what he wrote, the answer seem like a huge "No"

 

I have to give you some credit for not answering or returning the OW's call though. But, what are your plans (A and B) what to do, how to act, and what to say when you do see her (doesn't she work where you work or at least she knows where you will be during work hours).