My Wife found out about me

[Ladyjane14]

 

As for OW? Got a msg on my phone ' I have low self-confidence about me and everything, tired now so goign to bed. Hope you're ok, talk soon x'

 

Text messages are CONTACT. Change your phone number.

You can't break the cycle of addiction when you have these constant known attempts at contact. You need at least 21 days.

 

Did you notice, btw, how she attempts to enlist your sympathy again with that bit about "I have low self-confidence", and then ASSUMES you aren't serious about NC with"talk soon".

 

C'mon Matt, I don't think you've EVER been able to fully appreciate just how lucky you are to still have this chance at repairing your marriage and family dynamic. And against that, here are these OBVIOUS attempts to draw you back into the affair. That's not about YOU. "Friends" want the best for you. They don't DELIBERATELY complicate your life.

[OpenBook]

Matty you need to meet yet ANOTHER woman - fall head over heels for her - and then have her DROP-KICK you into next year. Maybe that'll wake you up.

 

Because apparently the 2 women you're currently involved with aren't going to do anything like that.

[norajane]

For the most part though I have found the advice here so helpful, and it is helping me in my thoughts

 

Really? How has it been helpful?

 

So for those who think I should be publicly flogged, the sight of 2 women depressed and upset because of me does that quite nicely thank you

 

I'm not proud of myself

 

It's time for you to stop thinking and wallowing in your martyrdom, and start doing. I summarized the advice for you in my previous post. I'll post it again, since you seem to have missed it:

He's not really done, is he? He hasn't done much to be DONE. He has a few more steps he could take RIGHT NOW that he isn't taking, nor has he even addressed.

 

1. Change his cell phone number.

 

2. Get an STD test.

 

3. Research and schedule an appointment with a therapist to help him deal with his underlying issues that caused him to need so much attention and flattery from a third party.

 

4. Research and schedule an appointment with a marriage counselor so he and his wife can begin the process of sorting through their marital issues and begin rebuilding their marriage, if possible.

 

5. Give his wife his passwords to his email, credit card, and cell phone accounts, so she can check on his activities if she needs to, and so he knows he is accountable for what he does.

 

6. Spend more time with his children, while giving his wife some time to herself. This will allow her some air, and will help him feel a part of his family, instead of leaving all the child care to her so that she is stuck in mommy-mode during this very difficult time. The poor woman isn't even talking to her friends and family about this affair so she can protect HIM. What's he doing for her? If he can't get away from work, he can arrange for child care during the day, and send his wife on a trip so SHE can get away from all the reminders at home and get some space to think. Also, if he's solely responsible for the kids for even a week, it might give him a little more sympathy for how his wife has been feeling pigeon-holed as mommy while he's away at work and screwing other women.

 

7. Plan a vacation or week away with his wife. Give the kids to the grandparents, or take them along, but get out of town for a while to a) get away from the scene of the crime and ALL the reminders of OW, and b) give them time to reconnect as a couple or as a family.

 

8. Start looking for a new job so he is no longer working in the same place as OW.

 

When will you take the first step to making things better?

[JamesM]

It kills me that she's taking the blame for this. I tried telling her it's not her fault, it's me thinking with what's down there instead of what's up here. I told her 'I'm here with you, not with her'. W tried to kiss me, but somehow it felt wrong, like I was hurting her all over again by being passionate, as my thoughts are still torn. Almost like by kissing my W I was still being unfaithful to her - Does that make sense?

 

I think that it may not be her fault for your choices, but she also knows...and I think is right...that she has "neglected" you while she was putting the children first. And I do not want to get flamed for this comment because the children need to come first in many ways, but she has had a wakeup call, too. She realizes that she has taken you for granted. Your affair was a yell from your for change. You did it in the wrong way...the really wrong way, and it is inexcusable. You obviously could have talked with her. You could have reached out and dated her. And she has every right to leave you. But remember, inside of her, she has all kinds of questions and thoughts. She is constantly waffling between anger and sadness, hurt and depression. She feels that "IF I had just...". So, right now she needs someone to talk with who can be objective and listen. She really does not need a "friend" who simply tells her to leave because you can no longer be trusted. This may be true, but she needs to have someone who can listen. I hope that she has a friend that is able to be in the middle without giving her direction. Because if this friend is the one who gives her advice, then you will be history....if you do not step in and be her friend again.

 

And you can help in that area. Listening to her emotions and feelings will help the two of you remain friends and it will help the two of your "heal" from this devastation to your marriage. This is your sin, but this is also "our" marriage. It is not necessarily you against her, but it can bethe two of you working together.

 

I was struck by the fact that you could not kiss her. I don't know other people's feelings about this comment, but I think she needs to feel from you that you still love her. The kiss signifies not sex but love. It does not mean that she is ready to totally forgive you, but it is a step in the direction that she wants to know that you DO love her and not the OW. She needs to know that you are willing to work with her and rebuild the marriage. By not kissing and hugging her, IMO, you tell her by your actions that you are not sure of your love for her. Is that what you want?

 

To me it does not make sense that you think you are cheating by kissing. What I am guessing you may feel...if I can guess, is that you feel that the sex you had with the OW has tainted the simple act of kissing your wife. You have so much guilt inside that you cannot even kiss her without feeling like you are not worthy of her love. When you kiss, you feel as if you have no right to do that anymore.

 

The list given by norajane is excellent. Consider it your To Do list of actions to reach your ultimate goal of a great marriage. You MUST give your wife access to every part of your life. She must know that she can read your emails, answer your phones, and know exactly where you are at every moment. If you will be late home by even a few minutes, you must call and reassure her that you are on your way, and you must say that you love her. You must begin dating her all over again. And please note...I use the word "MUST." I have an email friend who has gone through something similar with her husband two years ago. And they are still married, but as of even this past week, she still has so many feelings of anger and mistrust that come up periodically. He is doing his best (I think) to reassuree her, but the one thing that was destroyed was her ability to trust that he will have her best interests in mind when he is not around. I think he is incredibly lucky that she is with him yet. If you saw her and the picture of the OW, then you would really wonder why he had been so stupid. BUt like you, he felt negelected and took the passive aggressive route. He wanted the thrill and variety, but he got the pain and anguish instead.

 

Personally, as I read this, I think you still have a chance to keep your wife, but I think you had better act fast.

[smartgirl]

I am all for helping those who are interested in helping themselves - BS, WS or OP. But it is clear to me and by now probably to most of the people on this thread, that Matty is not interested in the kind of help we are trying to give.

 

He doesn't want to break off with the OW and recommit to his wife. He wants to keep his wife and kids, cheat with the OW and somehow feel like it is something that can't be helped. He is the lowest form of cake-eater.

 

Matty - you want to believe we are smacking you because of our baggage. But in case you haven't noticed, WS, BS and OW have been giving you the same advice. That I can tell you haven't taken one bit of it and you remain silent when asked why. Saying kissing your wife felt like cheating was the last straw for me.

 

I have no confidence that you will do the right thing by either of these women. They both seem to suffer from low self esteem and feelings of helplessness. I only pray that they will both summon the inner strength needed to see that you are toxic for them and move on to a healthier relationship.

 

Over the last year, I have read the posts of dozens of BS and OW who have been lead on by a man like you. Both see him as a sympathetic figure who is in pain over what he has done, who says he loves them and wants to do the right thing, so they keep forgiving him and keep giving him more chances. But he keeps doing what he wants regardless of who gets hurt.

 

We have all offered our own assessments about these men. What is their motivation? Are they evil and callous or genuinely in love or confused and can't help themselves? After reading all your posts, if you are any indication, I would say the answer is that these men are in love - with themselves. You may suffer from Narcissism. We will probably never know, because narcissists usually avoid therapy and if they go, they keep switching when one starts to get close to who they really are. They are not interested in self-reflection or in changing the situation. They are only interested in justifying their wants and actions and in casting dispersions on the motivations of those who try to challenge them.

 

This is a full on tragedy.

[whichwayisup]

As for OW? Got a msg on my phone ' I have low self-confidence about me and everything, tired now so goign to bed. Hope you're ok, talk soon x'

 

Ignore it and change your number. NOW.

He doesn't want to break off with the OW and recommit to his wife.

 

Unless I missed it, where does it say he's talking to the OW again? He hasn't contacted her back, though she is trying to contact him...

 

Matty, time to change your cellphone number, change your email address. NO contact is NC. The OW says "talk soon" which means she doesn't believe it's over. Your SILENCE is what will tell her it's over.

[whichwayisup]

Matty, get that counsellling in to help you get over the OW. Feeling like you're 'cheating' on the OW with your wife, is crap. Those thoughts of the OW have to leave your head and you MUST change your way of thinking. PUSH the thoughts away, like they disgust you! Keep in mind too, that the 'threat' of the OW is always there, to call your wife and fill her in the rest of details of your A....THAT should be scary enough for you to STOP the thoughts of the OW. Again, get to therapy. Please.

[clandestinidad]

What is preventing you from taking a few necessary steps to help rebuild your marriage and help keep your wife physically & mentally healthy through this?

 

You MUST change your phone number! Your wife must know that you're doing this. It will immediately tell her that you are determined to have NC with the OW, that your WIFE is your #1 priority, and that you are determined to make it work with your wife.

 

You MUST change jobs asap!! Your wife must know that you're doing this for the reasons mentioned above. If it means going through some financial struggles until you find a new job, or taking a lower-paying job for a short time, then so be it. That's one of the sacrifices that your family will have to push through in order to move on.

 

You MUST go to counseling (together & independently)--talk to your wife regarding how to work this out financially; whether through insurance or your own funds. She really needs help during this critical time from someone able to give sound, unbiased guidance. "It costs too much" is not an excuse. You will have to sacrifice in order to move on.

 

You BOTH MUST STOP discussing this at the dinner table, which I assume is in front of your children. You might think they don't know what you're talking about, but I can assure you that they know something is wrong with mommy and daddy, and it IS affecting them. Tell your wife as gently and respectfully as possible that you don't want your children to be affected by what they can see and hear between the 2 of you.

 

You MUST get tested for STD's asap! You don't know what the OW might have had (I assume the 2 of you did not get tested before having sex since the sex was not planned), and you don't know if she was faithful to you during the A.

 

I also wanted to address this 'withdrawl' that you are experiencing. I hope that you realize that it is not the person that you are missing. It is all of the selfish benefits, and what-not that resulted from the A. I believe that you spend time thinking about the OW and miss those benefits only because things have gotten so difficult for you. At this point, the easier road is more appealing, and will enter your mind frequently.

 

I do not think it has ANYthing to do with the OW as a person. You know that your wife is a better person, as you have stated. You know that you and your wife have a bond that no one can come between. And you know that the bond is still there. It is quite simply that what YOU got from the affair (ego-boost, attention, excitement, etc) is certainly not happening right now, in the difficult situation as it is now, and you reminisce about how easy you had it.

 

During this time, I think its important that you remind yourself that this difficult time is temporary, and with some time and effort the relationship with your wife WILL be rebuilt. And it CAN be rebuilt better this time. You both can learn how to express your needs to each other in ways that are understandable and sensitive. You both can learn how to show each other love in the ways that are important to you. I strongly suggest the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It can help you and your wife determine HOW to SHOW each other love in the ways that you accept it.

 

You did not love the OW. You loved what the affair did for you. You still loved your wife all along. You CAN and WILL get those feelings back with your wife if you make good decisions from now on. It CAN be better than what the affair did for you. The affair made you feel good, but was still lacking some key elements. Those are the elements that you and your wife have together. Just imagine how great it will be when the 2 of you are on the right path together!

 

Involve your wife in this. Ask her how she's doing, what she's thinking, what she's feeling. Use those specific words, especially 'Feeling'. Right now from your posts it sounds like the discussions are centered around your wife asking questions and you trying to deflect them. Right now your wife needs you to show your genuine concern for her state of being. If she responds with a question about something regarding the affair, 'where did you 2 have sex' for example, answer her honestly, but then tell her that you were intending to ask her about her thoughts and feelings specifically. It will show her that you still deeply care for her and want her to express herself to you on an intimate level. Your goal is to rebuild emotional intimacy right now. Physical intimacy will follow naturally once everyone feels loved, secure, and safe.

 

Just focus on your wife now. And make time for your children. They enjoy you and love you unconditionally.

[annabelle75]

What do you really want matty? I think everytime you answer that question you are telling people what you think they want to here or what you think you should say.

 

If you don't want to post it here that is alright. Enable you Private Message function and send it to me that way (I'd actually prefer to talk to you privately). If your head is where I think it is right now, I might actually be able to help you make some sense out of this mess.

[bestadvisor]

There is a very real possibility W will still leave me.

 

As for OW? Got a msg on my phone ' I have low self-confidence about me and everything, tired now so goign to bed. Hope you're ok, talk soon x'

 

 

How come there is not much reaction on your part to your realization that there is a "real possiblity" that your W might leave you?

 

Is it me, or the whole "tired now so going to bed, talk soon" seem a little psychotic?

 

Matt, once again, what happened to not wanting to change your phone number and getting a STD test?

[Mr. Lucky]

This is a full on tragedy.

Actually, this was a tragedy when he cheated on his wife. It's now a full on farce.

 

Is it possible that the need for attention that Matt sought when he turned to the OW is now being filled by those of us falling over each other to post replies here? He doesn't really seem to be interested in (or responding to) the practical advice being given...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mattym]

Actually, this was a tragedy when he cheated on his wife. It's now a full on farce.

 

Is it possible that the need for attention that Matt sought when he turned to the OW is now being filled by those of us falling over each other to post replies here? He doesn't really seem to be interested in (or responding to) the practical advice being given...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry, i am taking note of the replies here- i check back as much as I can

 

Unfortunately I'm also a little busy with my life falling apart so sorry if I seem slow in posting

 

I am grateful for the advice, really I am. This is the only place I can come and 'vent'

[mattym]

What is preventing you from taking a few necessary steps to help rebuild your marriage and help keep your wife physically & mentally healthy through this?

 

 

Just focus on your wife now. And make time for your children. They enjoy you and love you unconditionally.

 

Thank you so much for this, I have , like many of the posts here, read this over & over - and I will investigate the book you suggest

 

We talk everyday about the A and OW between us , when the kids are in bed though.

 

My W said ' what if she says she's pregnant? I think that would be it for me, I couldn't stay here'

I said 'I'm sure she isn't - I didn't have unprotected sex with her'

 

She asks lots of questions. I took the advice from posters here and answered honestly, although tactfully. I can see she's upset by some of the answers, especially about how often we had sex, did I tell the girl I loved her etc.

 

I said 'yes, I did tell her that, but I wasn't thinking straight. I always left there thinking I'd never leave you and the kids' - i was honest with her and told her that I'd said what I'd said to get what men always want - sex

 

She said ' this makes you worse, she believed you so I can't totally blame her' - I agreed and said ' I don't want you to blame her, it's my fault - I'm the married one here, not her'

 

I guess she can come to terms with it by thinking this evil woman dragged me off to have her wicked way - the truth doesn't paint me in quite that good light

 

Matt

[Hard2Think]

The questions are tough. That was one of the worst parts about post D-Day. Your wife's comments are the same as mine. She questioned my character for having led the OW to think I loved her and then just being able to cut her out of my life like I did.

 

As you probably already guessed, you do have to answer the questions. I guess it's part of the healing process for her and it's the suckiest part for you. I admit I tried as best as Whether I was right or not, I don't know, but I could not to get into gory details and I did downplay things I thought might just be too painful for me to dicuss. Just know that you'll very likely get the same questions over and over and over again for many months to come.

[bestadvisor]

 

My W said ' what if she says she's pregnant? I think that would be it for me, I couldn't stay here'

I said 'I'm sure she isn't - I didn't have unprotected sex with her'

 

I can see she's upset by some of the answers, especially about how often we had sex, did I tell the girl I loved her etc.

 

 

Are you completely telling her the truth? Why have you not change your phone (it doesn't cost that much)? If you don't, it's only going to be a matter of time that you will respond to her again.

 

How did you lie to her for so long with such frequency without her knowing? Did you leave work early to do it? Does she check or keep track of you now?

[frannie]

I am all for helping those who are interested in helping themselves - BS, WS or OP. But it is clear to me and by now probably to most of the people on this thread, that Matty is not interested in the kind of help we are trying to give.

 

He doesn't want to break off with the OW and recommit to his wife. He wants to keep his wife and kids, cheat with the OW and somehow feel like it is something that can't be helped. He is the lowest form of cake-eater.

 

---

 

I have no confidence that you will do the right thing by either of these women. They both seem to suffer from low self esteem and feelings of helplessness. I only pray that they will both summon the inner strength needed to see that you are toxic for them and move on to a healthier relationship.

 

Over the last year, I have read the posts of dozens of BS and OW who have been lead on by a man like you. Both see him as a sympathetic figure who is in pain over what he has done, who says he loves them and wants to do the right thing, so they keep forgiving him and keep giving him more chances. But he keeps doing what he wants regardless of who gets hurt.

 

We have all offered our own assessments about these men. What is their motivation? Are they evil and callous or genuinely in love or confused and can't help themselves? After reading all your posts, if you are any indication, I would say the answer is that these men are in love - with themselves.

 

Matt said himself, very early in the thread, that he felt he needed both women in his life. That's when it was clear that he needed counselling or a real good look at himself (if it were possible to do it alone). I don't think it is necessarily possible to do it alone.

 

Matt has time and again stated his feelings. It doesn't really matter what other people think of his OW, or his W... or what they think of him. He's lost in a world of not feeling valued unless other people are needy of him..? Or something. I am not going to analyise him because that's for him to do, with professional (good) help. Not someone who will say 'well you need to commit to your wife' because evidently he doesn't really care about his wife, or his kids really (not from the fact he's never mentioned what's best for THEM here... but then few people have).

 

You called him the "lowest form of cake-eater" and yes, that's what it is, really. But can you blame either woman for being involved with him..? I was involved with someone with NPD... they're amazing at saying the right thing to get you hooked right in just when you thought you were seeing the light... But why..? Is matt having fun...? I don't know, sometimes it seems like he is, and that's very scary... None of us can (or should even attempt to) diagnose this man on what he writes here... and all we can advise is he gets some help, for himself and everyone involved.

 

And for the record, once again, I don't think he should 'dump the W and go and live with the OW'... what sort of advice is that? Why would the OW want or need him in her life, if he needs two women? And what good would that do the marriage, or his children..? Or anyone? Just because a man is no good to his W he should run out and be no good to another woman..? Where is the sense in that?

 

The best thing matt could do is to get himself some therapy. Maybe a break from his W is best, so she can decide what's best for her, and he can decide whether he would ever be useful to one woman. Having read the later stages of the thread I just don't think that he's got what it takes at the moment to be a good husband (probably not father either, since he's never mentioned it). And he only engages with the OW when she pulls away. All in all no use to anyone, not even himself.

 

Get some help, matt. Do you have family you can call on..?

[frannie]

Hi everyone

 

Apologies if I sounded a little defensive yesterday, it's just that with some people posting I feel I am taking a beating for all cheating males. I sympathize if someone here has been the betrayed Wife, but it wasn't ME who did that to you..

 

For the most part though I have found the advice here so helpful, and it is helping me in my thoughts

 

Situation is at the moment -

 

There is a very real possibility W will still leave me. She went out with friends last night and discussed it. One of her friends is of the opinion she can never trust me again, and believing anything else is like waiting for Brad Pitt to come knocking on the door.

I can see why her friend would say that, she is her friend after all

 

W and I spoke again last night. W wants another baby. I told her it's too soon after all this, and forcing the relationship to the next gear won't help us overcome this, we need time, not more things to worry about

 

W said she loves me and would do anything for me, and feels that she's not good enough for me.

 

It kills me that she's taking the blame for this. I tried telling her it's not her fault, it's me thinking with what's down there instead of what's up here. I told her 'I'm here with you, not with her'. W tried to kiss me, but somehow it felt wrong, like I was hurting her all over again by being passionate, as my thoughts are still torn. Almost like by kissing my W I was still being unfaithful to her - Does that make sense?

 

As for OW? Got a msg on my phone ' I have low self-confidence about me and everything, tired now so goign to bed. Hope you're ok, talk soon x'

 

So for those who think I should be publicly flogged, the sight of 2 women depressed and upset because of me does that quite nicely thank you

 

I'm not proud of myself

 

Matt

 

No, you're not proud of yourself, but something inside you needs your OW to be 'low in self-confidence' (needing you), and your W to be wanting another baby and blaming herself and wanting to kiss you (which you reject).

 

i.e. two women needing you. And you holding off.

 

And you knowing you can't offer either of them what they want. Can't or won't.

 

Matt, relationships aren't like this. You need to see someone to get your head straightened out. All posting on this forum is doing is you getting other people to fight on one side or the other... adding fuel to one fire or another. You're not actually going to DO anything... just go on hurting everyone.

 

Bad, bad, situation.

[frannie]

Thank you so much for this, I have , like many of the posts here, read this over & over - and I will investigate the book you suggest

 

We talk everyday about the A and OW between us , when the kids are in bed though.

 

My W said ' what if she says she's pregnant? I think that would be it for me, I couldn't stay here'

I said 'I'm sure she isn't - I didn't have unprotected sex with her'

 

She asks lots of questions. I took the advice from posters here and answered honestly, although tactfully. I can see she's upset by some of the answers, especially about how often we had sex, did I tell the girl I loved her etc.

 

I said 'yes, I did tell her that, but I wasn't thinking straight. I always left there thinking I'd never leave you and the kids' - i was honest with her and told her that I'd said what I'd said to get what men always want - sex

 

She said ' this makes you worse, she believed you so I can't totally blame her' - I agreed and said ' I don't want you to blame her, it's my fault - I'm the married one here, not her'

 

I guess she can come to terms with it by thinking this evil woman dragged me off to have her wicked way - the truth doesn't paint me in quite that good light

 

Matt

 

Hmm I think you're mistaken in your assessment that your W wants to believe the OW dragged you off. The sentence I highlighted suggests that your W is beginning to see that you're lying to and using two women.

 

I think you underestimate your W, as well as use your OW.

[Tomcat33]

She said ' this makes you worse, she believed you so I can't totally blame her' - I agreed and said ' I don't want you to blame her, it's my fault - I'm the married one here, not her'

 

I guess she can come to terms with it by thinking this evil woman dragged me off to have her wicked way - the truth doesn't paint me in quite that good light

 

 

MattHmm I think you're mistaken in your assessment that your W wants to believe the OW dragged you off. The sentence I highlighted suggests that your W is beginning to see that you're lying to and using two women.

 

I think what he meant was that though she could easily come to terms with how things went down by believing he was forced into things, the reality is different. Meaning he is NOT playing it like he was forced he is giving her the truth in that respect.

 

I do respect that, I respect that he is being honest in that respect and his W is a smart woman for understanding that the OW was also lead on. The two women in this case, like in MANY cases of As are victims in their own way.

 

tha's why when all the closed minded tunnel vision BSs and pro-BS cheerleaders that come on here and say "just cut your phone off, ignore the OW woman throw her under under a bus, KILL HER (if you will... and figuratively speaking) you have to get rid of the problem" they fail to see that what they are encouraging is for a cheater to wash his hands of his responsibility to what he created with an OW ANOTHER HUMAN BEING that he lead on for his own selfish reasons.

 

 

I've lost count at how many times people advice the cheater to just look the otherway and let the OW suffer without explanation without even facing up to what they did. I thank Matty's W for being reasonable enough to understand that what her H did was to play with BOTH women. I admire that EVEN in all the hurt she is feeling she can still see the reality of things.

 

I think we can ALL learn from this example and put all of our putred thoughts of how MOST OW are the evil doers in the whole situation, if a woman who is about to loser her family and her H is able to see what has been done in a clear and mature manner we can ALL learn from that and apply it when we give such HARSH advice to throw another human bieng under a bus, a human being who does not deserve to be left out in the cold like that. YES they knew they were getting involved with someone married, but they were in a LOT of cases severely mislead.

 

 

I doubt this will change anything here...all I EVER see on this board is harsh words coming from a harsher place not to help another but to vent personal frustrations.

 

But I am thankful to you Matt for doing things in such a way that at least makes you take responsibility for your actions and I thank you for sharing that here with us.

[Tomcat33]

And one last thing:

 

what's with the "change your phone, move jobs, move countries, change your identity, have complete physical MAKEOVER if you have to" OR WHATEVER cockomany things that are adviced here.

 

what are we 12?

 

what happened to will power, to conviction of actions? If a person cannot convince themselves to do things right, then get help. Use your life lines to get to where you need to get.

 

I see people telling people on here to move out of their homes for god's sake to avoid an A. What is that? What are we puppies that can't stay away from the treat cabinet?

 

Geees all I keep seeing is this Nazi regime that a BS is supposed to impose on a cheating H or a cheater on themselves. HOW ABOUT POWER OF CONVITION? how about WILL POWER? what is this a mom trying to keep her son away from the chocolote cake before the guests arrive?

 

GIMME A BREAK!

 

WHO CARES if he changes his phone or not, if there is a will he will find a way to get in touch, new email address calling card, new phone WHATEVER. How about changing the root of the problem rather than the means?

[annabelle75]

Excellent point about changing his phone number. Why? It won't matter how many times seh calls him if he has the conviction and will power to not answer.

 

Based on this logic, everything could be fixed if we just locked matty in his basement and never let him out to see the light of day. He couldn't cheat anymore, but it wouldn't be becaseu he wised up and decided he wanted to stay with his W. It would simply be becasue of lack of opportunity.

 

Everyone here seesm to like to refer to the OW as some sort of addictive substance. She is a human being and not a pile of cocaine.

 

He needs to get to the root of the problem, figure out what it is he really wants and find a way to put his life and family back together in a way that is no longer destructive to those around him.

[whichwayisup]

Everyone here seesm to like to refer to the OW as some sort of addictive substance. She is a human being and not a pile of cocaine.

 

He needs to get to the root of the problem, figure out what it is he really wants and find a way to put his life and family back together in a way that is no longer destructive to those around him

 

He knows the root of the problem. He felt neglected while his wife was focussing on their children too much. He felt unappreciated and lonely. His needs weren't being met. So, he met the OW, liked how she made him feel and got used to that euphoric feeling (and yes, that feeling IS like a drug, and that is why the OW is referred as the coke and he is the abuser who is having withdrawals. The OW in the OW/OM section go through that too, as their MM is their drug...I've read it there before too) she gave him. Anyone who's had an affair should know all about those types of feelings of being addicted to the other person. It messes with your head - AYCS - Is what happened in Matty's situation.

 

The ONLY way to get over this is to continue NC with the OW, block her email, change the cell number and get to therapy. To discuss and pick apart how and what he did to the OW now is pointless because his focus HAS to be on his wife, and how to fix things. NOT the OW. Period.

[whichwayisup]

It won't matter how many times seh calls him if he has the conviction and will power to not answer.

 

Annabelle, you know as well as Matty, if the temptation is dangling infront of your eyes, the willpower to say NO isn't there. Many OW can't ignore their MM when they try NC, so why should it be different for a MM? Do OW change their numbers, block their MM from their emails?

 

Anyway, the silence to the OW will eventually make her stop. Having NO reaction, just silence will make her see to leave him alone.

[annabelle75]

Annabelle, you know as well as Matty, if the temptation is dangling infront of your eyes, the willpower to say NO isn't there. Many OW can't ignore their MM when they try NC, so why should it be different for a MM? Do OW change their numbers, block their MM from their emails?

 

Anyway, the silence to the OW will eventually make her stop. Having NO reaction, just silence will make her see to leave him alone.

 

In matty's case I don't think this is really the problem. If he puts a clear end to it, I think she'll let him go. Even though he may say he's ending things, his actions are not echoing his words. As long as he gives her hope it won't end. (I also think he just assumes any time th phone rings and there is no message that it must be her. I don't think she's tried to contact him as often as he likes to think.) Hiding from the probelm won't fix it.

[Tomcat33]

Annabelle, you know as well as Matty, if the temptation is dangling infront of your eyes, the willpower to say NO isn't there. Many OW can't ignore their MM when they try NC, so why should it be different for a MM? Do OW change their numbers, block their MM from their emails?

 

 

 

First of all it is NOT true that many OW cannot ignore the contact once NC has been initiated, if the person turly does not want any more contact they reject it. Also from the side of Matt's case, the temptation IS dangling right infront of his head, phone call or no phone call he is consumed with the reality of the aftermath of his A. Wheather she calls him or not he thinks about her day and night. He should be encouraged to keep dismissing her calls, no actually let me retract that, he should talk to her and ask her why she calls so many times and give her the closure she needs. Tell her he doesn't love her, tell he wants to stay with his W., tell her that he never intended of moving out, etc. ONLY then will she stop calling, if she is a normal human being who GETS IT and most people do. She will go away.

 

You know why? Because she needs to hear that, she needs to have the door firmly shut on the possibility that what they had has any sort of hope. Matt has not done that yet, he told her he had to end it but has not been totally upfront with her. Why? Because he doesn't even know what he wants.

 

 

NOTE to all BS: when a guy runs away from the OW as MAtt is doing he is torn, he is ONLY apeasing the BS he does not really know what he wants. If he DID if he were ABSOLUTELY SURE that the OW was a huge mistake, he should have no problem admitting that. But we all know that can't happen until Matt knows for sure what he wants.

 

Cutting his phone off, of locking him in the basement like hostage from HIMSELF, like Annabelle said, is NOT the answer.

 

He needs to decide what he wants, and needs to step up to what he chooses.

I don't blame the OW ONE bit for persisting Matt's half A$$ED way at breaking off with her sends her a message loud and clear,

 

MESSAGE: "I haven't a clue what I am doing"

 

and so she fights for what she wants. I am not partisan to "fighting" for a man, but I can see why some people would.