My Wife found out about me

[Tomcat33]

And the idea that a person must isolate themselves in order to succeed and reach a goal instead of using will power is a HUGE sign of the decay of the world we live in. HOW PATHETIC!!

 

 

Insted of installing a moooing cow contraption inside the fridge to be activated when the door opens and covering the door with pictures of pigglets to remind us we should not reach in to stuff our faces again when trying to lose weight, how about using common sense and will power. Something that is free and we are ALL equitp with. Put faith in ourselves to succeed not in cutting off the avenues that could lead us to temptation. How sad!

[whichwayisup]

First of all it is NOT true that many OW cannot ignore the contact once NC has been initiated, if the person turly does not want any more contact they reject it

How many OW have posted that they caved? Then gone back into NC...Then caved...And so on.

He needs to decide what he wants, and needs to step up to what he chooses.

 

Doesn't it seem like he's done that already? He hasn't answered any calls, he's in NC.

 

I do agree though he does need to step it up a notch and focus more on his wife. That is why I've been pushing him, as well as others, to seek individual counselling right now as well as marriage counselling.

 

Matty, answer me this please. Have you made that appointment yet? For yourself and have you and your wife picked out a marriage counsellor? Have you even discussed this with her? If not, DO IT. The sooner the better.

[Tomcat33]

How many OW have posted that they caved? Then gone back into NC...Then caved...And so on.

 

 

Doesn't it seem like he's done that already? He hasn't answered any calls, he's in NC.

 

I do agree though he does need to step it up a notch and focus more on his wife. That is why I've been pushing him, as well as others, to seek individual counselling right now as well as marriage counselling.

 

Matty, answer me this please. Have you made that appointment yet? For yourself and have you and your wife picked out a marriage counsellor? Have you even discussed this with her? If not, DO IT. The sooner the better.

 

 

Everyone caves at the begining, it's only been going on three weeks for Matt, actually no it's been just over one week since he last saw the OW and had physical and emotional contact.

 

EVERYONE caves at first. The important thing is not the setbacks, it is how you proceed. If he sticks to his plan and keeps up the NC he will build his own strenght it will help him USE his own powers to overcome this woman and to put his focus it should be. Somewhere inside there is a voice that is telling him to stick it out with his W and he is doing that, in a $hitty manner or not he still has aven a tiny part in him that pulls for the correct thing to do. SO if he uses his will power, uses his power of strength he will become more clear headed.

 

But some of you want to cover the guy up in bandaids and leave the wound intact. If you want a guy covered in bandaids that what you'll get. Fix the what's causing the wound don't patch it up with gauze.

[Tomcat33]

Doesn't it seem like he's done that already? He hasn't answered any calls, he's in NC.

 

I do agree though he does need to step it up a notch and focus more on his wife. That is why I've been pushing him, as well as others, to seek individual counselling right now as well as marriage counselling.

 

.

 

 

Ok terrific. then at least you can acknowledge what he IS doing. everyone else HOUNDING to cut his phone off, to change jobs, to leave the country whatever other ridiculous things they are suggesting, WHO CARES if he hasn't done that. He needs to use his will power if he EVER hopes to clean up his act and change for the better. Otherwise might as well be non recovering cheater for ever.

[whichwayisup]

But some of you want to cover the guy up in bandaids and leave the wound intact. If you want a guy covered in bandaids that what you'll get. Fix the what's causing the wound don't patch it up with gauze.

 

Is this directed at me? If so, you haven't been reading anything I've said to him. I've been pushing the guy to go to counselling and talk about this stuff. To fix himself. To become a better and stronger person so he can be the best husband and father.

[bestadvisor]

Isn't it weird to anyone that Matt post at 3 AM?

[Tomcat33]

Is this directed at me? If so, you haven't been reading anything I've said to him. I've been pushing the guy to go to counselling and talk about this stuff. To fix himself. To become a better and stronger person so he can be the best husband and father.

 

 

Nahh it is directed at anyone hounding him about why he hasn't changed his cell # or changes companies, WHO GIVE A $hit about that? If he is sticking to his guns about NC that's a HUGE step in the right direction. And he IS. Soon he will be of the right mind to even get some help. Forget the cellphone # change, he has bigger fish to fry.

 

If he tells the OW what I mentioned before:

 

"I dont love you, I thought I did but just love my W and what I did with you was a mistake, I lied to you and I am horrible for what I did to you what I can't lie to you anymore..." GUARANTEED that's the cell phone change spared right there, she will go away.

[Tomcat33]

Isn't it weird to anyone that Matt post at 3 AM?

 

no, he's in England or the UK somewhere...do the math.

I can tell by the way he writes he is British and something else had tipped me off can't remember now...

[annabelle75]

 

"I dont love you, I thought I did but just love my W and what I did with you was a mistake, I lied to you and I am horrible for what I did to you what I can't lie to you anymore..." GUARANTEED that's the cell phone change spared right there, she will go away.

 

Agreed. He needs to be honest with her and tell her that he never really loved her. It will hurt but it is what she needs to hear so she can move on. As it stands now she thinks he is in love with her and is chosing his family over her because it is the right thing to do. If she realizes the relationship was never what she thought it was, she'll leave him be.

 

I think the reason he hasn't told her this yet is becasue he knows she'll walk away. Its not because he doesn't want to hurt her but becasue it will then REALLY be over.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

WHO CARES if he changes his phone or not, if there is a will he will find a way to get in touch, new email address calling card, new phone WHATEVER. How about changing the root of the problem rather than the means?

 

Great point Tomcat

[Tomcat33]

Agreed. He needs to be honest with her and tell her that he never really loved her. It will hurt but it is what she needs to hear so she can move on. As it stands now she thinks he is in love with her and is chosing his family over her because it is the right thing to do. If she realizes the relationship was never what she thought it was, she'll leave him be.

 

I think the reason he hasn't told her this yet is becasue he knows she'll walk away. Its not because he doesn't want to hurt her but becasue it will then REALLY be over.

 

 

BINGO!!! and having been on the end of a completey selfish user who wanted to keep the games up, it hits you one day and you come up with that conclusion and there is no turning back. I'll never know what he really felt, I don't care to know I took the bull by the horns and shut him out. Matt knows this he knows his OW could act like this so he refrains from laying it out like MOST cheaters, they want to end it but they don't. The OW has not clued in yet but I wish she did, but again too soon to see things straight.

 

I'll tell you what did give me strength to move on and is why I also advice Matt to practice sticking to his guns and it also brings HUGE clarity and a LOT of selfconfidence and self conviction (because affairs make weak horribly pathetic dumbed down versions of ourselves), and reaching small goals today builds strength.

IF going NC is his immediate goal then stick to that because the more you can prove to yourself you can do something the easier it becomes to do.

also why I think cutting his phone off is NOT the answer, he needs to prove to himself he can be a man of word a man who not only talks but also believes!

[annabelle75]

I really think by not tellign the OW that he lied and wasn't really in love her and never intended to leave his wife as well as not telling his W the truth about seeing and sleeping with the OW again ... he is trying to retain control over both relationships. If the OW figures out the truth and leaves then he's still got his W to stay with. If his W finds out the truth and leaves, he can run back to the OW. He's using them both as safety nets. matty is playing a very cruel and selfish game.

 

Everyone keesp saying that he has made his choice already. No he hasn't. He's still playing both sides. Its time for him to come clean to both of them and stop with the games.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Agreed. He needs to be honest with her and tell her that he never really loved her. It will hurt but it is what she needs to hear so she can move on. As it stands now she thinks he is in love with her and is chosing his family over her because it is the right thing to do. If she realizes the relationship was never what she thought it was, she'll leave him be.

 

I think the reason he hasn't told her this yet is because he knows she'll walk away. Its not because he doesn't want to hurt her but becasue it will then REALLY be over.

 

Agreed.

 

In my opinion nothing is ever black and white. Its usually grey. I can feel the growing frustration with Matt because he's not doing what people tell him to do, that he cant see the bigger picture.

 

But in reality, I dont think Matt is able to carry out these actions at the moment. Just like his OW cant just simply think "Oh well, never mind, moving on". Just like his W cant think "He cheated? I shall therefore chuck him out until he realises what he wants".

 

They're ALL human beings, capable of making mistakes just like all of the posters on here. And sometimes, it takes a bit of time, a bit of reality to kick in before any action can be taken. We can shout from the high heavens, we can scold Matt, sympathise, warn, insult, empathise. But how are the perspectives on an anonymous forum ever a match for the amazingly powerful feelings of an ego boost from an OW.

 

There needs to be a CATALYST for Matt to be shaken into a place where he can think obviously. Then he may be able to re-read this thread and gain real insight.

 

I just dont think he's at "that place" yet

[Tomcat33]

Agreed.

 

In my opinion nothing is ever black and white. Its usually grey. I can feel the growing frustration with Matt because he's not doing what people tell him to do, that he cant see the bigger picture.

 

But in reality, I dont think Matt is able to carry out these actions at the moment. Just like his OW cant just simply think "Oh well, never mind, moving on". Just like his W cant think "He cheated? I shall therefore chuck him out until he realises what he wants".

 

They're ALL human beings, capable of making mistakes just like all of the posters on here. And sometimes, it takes a bit of time, a bit of reality to kick in before any action can be taken. We can shout from the high heavens, we can scold Matt, sympathise, warn, insult, empathise. But how are the perspectives on an anonymous forum ever a match for the amazingly powerful feelings of an ego boost from an OW.

 

There needs to be a CATALYST for Matt to be shaken into a place where he can think obviously. Then he may be able to re-read this thread and gain real insight.

 

I just dont think he's at "that place" yet

 

 

I could not agree more!! Why is it that the ONLY ones that can see this are the OW? Everyone else just want to hear that he switched his switch off and is now in build marriage mode and thats that. We're not robots. Yes ok he made a choice, in theory but in pratice there are a TON of unfinished issues that he need to deal with in order for his theory to come to life. what about all he feels inside, everything he carries around in his head in his heart?

 

People just assume, ok cheater comes clean now everything goes back to normal he can repent and that's that. OW goes away because A is cut off and everyone goes back to focusing on what is what .Very few cheaters actually shut themselves out emotionally even though if in body they can achieve it, Matt is clearly consumed with confusion and is doing this half a$$ed attempt at getting on because he really is confused. As JN said we are ALL humans.

We are not robots.

 

 

I really think by not tellign the OW that he lied and wasn't really in love her and never intended to leave his wife as well as not telling his W the truth about seeing and sleeping with the OW again ... he is trying to retain control over both relationships. If the OW figures out the truth and leaves then he's still got his W to stay with. If his W finds out the truth and leaves, he can run back to the OW. He's using them both as safety nets. matty is playing a very cruel and selfish game.

 

Everyone keesp saying that he has made his choice already. No he hasn't. He's still playing both sides. Its time for him to come clean to both of them and stop with the games.

 

Of course!!!

[bestadvisor]

I really think by not tellign the OW that he lied and wasn't really in love her and never intended to leave his wife as well as not telling his W the truth about seeing and sleeping with the OW again ... he is trying to retain control over both relationships. If the OW figures out the truth and leaves then he's still got his W to stay with. If his W finds out the truth and leaves, he can run back to the OW. He's using them both as safety nets. matty is playing a very cruel and selfish game.

 

Everyone keesp saying that he has made his choice already. No he hasn't. He's still playing both sides. Its time for him to come clean to both of them and stop with the games.

 

Yes, that's exactly what he is doing. The OW is the backup plan, just in case his wife leave in X months. It seems to me that he is selfish enough not to burn those bridges and leave both of them hanging and that's why he keeps his cell phone and kinda excited to check for messages from her.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I could not agree more!! Why is it that the ONLY ones that can see this are the OW? Everyone else just want to hear that he switched his switch off and is now in build marriage mode and thats that. We're not robots. Yes ok he made a choice, in theory but in pratice there are a TON of unfinished issues that he need to deal with in order for his theory to come to life. what about all he feels inside, everything he carries around in his head in his heart?

 

People just assume, ok cheater comes clean now everything goes back to normal he can repent and that's that. OW goes away because A is cut off and everyone goes back to focusing on what is what .Very few cheaters actually shut themselves out emotionally even though if in body they can achieve it, Matt is clearly consumed with confusion and is doing this half a$$ed attempt at getting on because he really is confused. As JN said we are ALL humans.

We are not robots.

 

Of course!!!

 

Maybe its because we know what it is to err and to falter in an affairs. I have that experience - hands up, I've erred, I've faltered. I know what it is to feel confused. To love and hate someone at the same time. To want something you know you should not want. To do something that is bad but think it is good under the title of "love".To have a heart saying one thing and a head saying the other. Its difficult. More than difficult and sometimes it feels damn impossible.

 

He's established NC. He's doing as best he can and every day he will get a little stronger, that will eventually lead to the changes he needs to make himself. I dont know whether that means his M will be a success or not. I believe Matt should try to work on his M. He owes his marriage and his children the ability to extinguish all of his "what ifs" between the relationship between himself and his W first. Once those are extinguished he can decide whether his M is what he wants, as can his wife. To this end, he should therefore extinguish the hope the OW holds by ending the relationship with conviction, with a decisive phone call.

 

But the thing is, Matt isn't quite there yet. He's still in the fog of the feelings - and I know what it is to be there too. Unfortunately you cant tell an alcoholic to simply stop drinking, just as you cant tell a MM to just simply end the ego-boost. I cant help but feel for him, he's got a hell of a reality-bites moment heading his way.

[Tomcat33]

Maybe its because we know what it is to err and to falter in an affairs. I have that experience - hands up, I've erred, I've faltered. I know what it is to feel confused. To love and hate someone at the same time. To want something you know you should not want. To do something that is bad but think it is good under the title of "love".To have a heart saying one thing and a head saying the other. Its difficult. More than difficult and sometimes it feels damn impossible.

 

He's established NC. He's doing as best he can and every day he will get a little stronger, that will eventually lead to the changes he needs to make himself. I dont know whether that means his M will be a success or not. I believe Matt should try to work on his M. He owes his marriage and his children the ability to extinguish all of his "what ifs" between the relationship between himself and his W first. Once those are extinguished he can decide whether his M is what he wants, as can his wife. To this end, he should therefore extinguish the hope the OW holds by ending the relationship with conviction, with a decisive phone call.

 

But the thing is, Matt isn't quite there yet. He's still in the fog of the feelings - and I know what it is to be there too. Unfortunately you cant tell an alcoholic to simply stop drinking just as you cant tell a MM to just simply end the ego-boost. I cant help but feel for him, he's got a hell of a reality-bites moment heading his way.

 

 

EXACTLY! this is my point exactly. We can understand it because we were on the other end of it, we know how we succeeded to overcome the wrongness of what we were in, and yes under the name of "love".

while the quick fix actions suggested by a lot of the BSs who understand the situation looking at if from the outside looking in, not knowing what it's like to be in a cloud of smog and fog may be good advice it is unrealistic to reach the goals at hand in that manner. These goals work in teirs, not in one magical go. Each step that's accomplished is more power obtained to reach the ultimate goal. We know, we did it, we speak from experience.

 

 

And yes I understand Matt needs to focus on his W on her needs on the family, right now he is like a recovering alcoholic as JN example, you would not expect and alcoholic trying to obtain sobriety to focus on fixing himself and the responsibilites of the family if he has been absent FROM the family due to his excessive alcohol use. No you wouldn't you would expect the alcoholic to get fixed first and then take on the role of husband and father and friend etc. And I know it isn't fair to the BS but the reality is she chose to stay with him BROKEN an all she chose to take him and accept him, so she needs to also understand that he needs to fix himself before he can even begin to think of giving back.

 

so two steps are recommended:

 

Step 1: honesty with his W, tell her what she needs to know and let her make her own educated decisions based on what you share, be there for her and don't just blow smoke up her behind, better to say nothing at all than to lie . Be upfront with her so she is aware of your process.

 

Step 2: honesty with the OW give her closure she needs tell her all the things you have told us here be upfront with her. This will also help you move on it will close the door on any possibility with her and it will help you move on to know she won't want anything more to do with you. Can you do that though? prob not yet,but do aim to do this sometime soon.

 

seem overwhelming Matt? It is probably but you did make your bed...

 

 

 

when you get yourself out of the situation you gain so much power you can literally move mountains. Matt is not in any state to move mountains right now, heck he can prob barely move from home to work let a lone make any significant change. Emotionally these experiences kill people, my ex used to tell me this all the time but I was too selfish to take it on board, to understand it because all I could think of was "you are the gatekeeper of all of our pain so why should I feel sorry for you" reality is they are affected by their own doings in a tremendous way as well/ Casein point Matt you really SHOULD seek therapy to help you cope. It won't decide things for you it will help you cope.

 

Patience people, encourage him to fix himself the rest will all fall into place.

[1002jen]

This thread has really gotten my attention. I’ve been reading it to keep up with the updates. My heart is really going out to you. Here is some advice from one cheater to another.

 

I know what you are feeling. I have been there. I had an affair that lasted almost six months before my marriage ended. My married life had lost its excitement (if it ever had any) and I felt unappreciated. My husband was so caught up with his job and his hobbies that he seemed to forget about me. Then along came the OM. He treated me like gold. For the first time in a long time I looked forward to getting up in the morning. I would call him on my way to work and we’d talk through email all day. He felt like my salvation.

 

He fell for me hard and fast. It felt amazing to have some one give me their love so unconditionally. I would go home at night and I felt like I was just in my H’s way, so the OMs grasp on me grew tighter and tighter. It was strange how I had been married for 10 years and I was suddenly having stronger feelings for a man I had only known for a few months than I had ever felt in my life. The passion and neediness of it all was overwhelming.

 

After about 6 months I finally cracked. When I look back it is pretty sad what finally pushed me over the edge. I watched an episode of Grey’s Anatomy where they were dealing with the story of McDreamy’s wife cheating on him. I felt consumed with guilt so I woke my H and told him what I had done. Deep down I thought he would leave me. It was a no brainer, right? I cheated on him. He had to leave me. I was pond scum. I cannot express in words how it felt confessing to him. My body hurt all over and I couldn’t stop shaking and sweating. I thought I was going to die. The desperation I felt was overwhelming. I needed him to forgive me and not leave me. If he had walked out the door that night, I don’t know what I would have done. I needed him to still love me. I felt as though my life had just ended and I had destroyed my family.

 

As I said before, I thought he would leave. I always had and assumed I wouldn’t have a choice to make. It didn’t happen like that. I begged him to give me a second chance and he did. I called my OM the next morning and told him what happened. I told him that I loved him but since my H was willing to give me a second chance I needed to try to fix my marriage. He was angry and hurt. I told him not to call me anymore.

 

I think NC lasted a whole day, maybe. It didn’t take long for me to start to miss him. We talked a little through email since I knew my H would be watching my cell phone bills for now on. I really thought I wanted to work on my marriage, but as time went on I realized I was fighting to stay with a man that hadn’t made me happy in the first place. Although I had stopped the physical part of the A, the emotional part continued and I just sort of assumed that if I changed my mind I could go back to my OM. It only took a few weeks for it all the unravel again. My H was suspicious of my every move and watching me like a hawk. I was frustrated and realizing that since I had the A I had lost the right to ask him to change. If I stayed I was going to have to making up for the A for years to come.

 

Through all this the OM finally had enough of being strung along and he cut of contact. I was heartbroken and tried to get him to change his mind. He refused and in the process said a lot of very hurtful things to me. I felt betrayed at first even though I had no right to feel that way. Looking back I realize I wasn’t really in love with him. I was in love with the escape the A offered me.

 

Once the OM was gone I was left solely with my marriage in the balance. With a clear head, no longer considering the OM in the equation I was able to sort out how I really felt about my H. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore. He had let the relationship die years before and didn’t really care. I was there to cook his meals, clean his house and take care of his kids and that was all he needed. I now see that the A was an exit A for me. He didn’t beat me, cheat on me or treat me cruelly so it felt as if I had to do something drastic in order to end the marriage. I didn’t think I could leave just because he made unhappy.

 

A year and a half ago I left my H. I did it because I knew it was what was best for me and my family. Our home was not a happy one and in order to fix that we had to make some changes. At first my H was furious and tried to make me pay for my decision, but he eventually realized that for the kids sake he needed try to understand and not just react out of anger. He gets it now. He admits he had checked out of the relationship long before I did.

 

We are all doing good now. The kids are really a lot happier now than they were before. They could feel the tension and unhappiness when we lived together and can see the difference. Maybe they are all just putting on a brave face, but they really have been great about everything. My now ex-H and I have a good relationship as well. We’ve been working on forgiving each other for our mistakes and even though it may not happen in the near future, I hope we will some day be real friends again.

 

I don’t mean to tell you my story to use it as a blue print to handle your life, but to let you know that some one has been where you are and survived. We are not perfect people. We made mistakes. The true test of who we are is how we resolve them.

[clandestinidad]

it is directed at anyone hounding him about why he hasn't changed his cell # or changes companies, WHO GIVE A $hit about that? If he is sticking to his guns about NC that's a HUGE step in the right direction. And he IS. Soon he will be of the right mind to even get some help. Forget the cellphone # change, he has bigger fish to fry.

Mattym-

 

It is very important to change your contact info for a few reasons. The main ones involve your wife. You have stated repeatedly that you are staying with her. If that is your permanent, honest decision, there are some things that you should do for her sake. Knowing that the OW still knows how to contact you and remind you of her each time she attempts to contact you will drive her insane with insecurity. I guarantee that your wife cringes and worries that each time your phone rings its the OW trying to talk to you. Your wife should not live like this, wondering and worrying that the OW is still trying to get your attention in some way or another. If your wife knows that you are making efforts to stop contact with the OW it will tell her a LOT about your determination to make things work.

 

You already sent the OW a final email. We do not know what it said, but I assume that it did tell her that you are staying with your wife and working things out, and not to contact you. It might have said more or less, but that's not the point here. The point is, you told her it was over. She has chosen to disrespect you and your family by continuing to call. She is trying to serve HER needs all over again (much like the episodes of manipulative emotional extortion she showed earlier). She is trying to have your attention back in some way. Whether thats to get some sort of closure that she needs, or to try to win you back, I don't know...but any reason is only to serve HERSELF. You've closed the door, but she keeps knocking.

 

You will continue thinking about her and what she wants, or what she's doing, etc. each time she calls, even though you do not answer. This is making it harder for you to move on. She obviously cannot stop calling, so in order for your family to move on you need to make it so that she cannot attempt to contact you. Whatever she has to discuss with you is for HER benefit, and she does not have that right now as you have already said that it is over and not to contact you. If she needed to simply tell you something, then she could have left a message, but she wants to actively engage you in emotional conversation which is off-limits at this point.

 

That concept is one of the most interesting things to me. There is more than one person in a relationship, but it only takes ONE of them to decide its over. There does not need to be any sort of agreement or full understanding in my opinion. Yes, there should be a reason given, some explanation, but I do not think there needs to be a long discussion trying to have all people involved on the same page so that everyone feels 'good' and there are 'no hard feelings'. There will usually be someone who does not want it to end, does not understand why (no matter how many reasons are given), and who will argue and fight to continue the relationship. This is why I believe that relationships and ALL contact must stop once one person decides that it is over, with no chance of reconciliation. If the other person is confused, or hurt, or wanting to hurt the other, or wanting to try to convince them to try again, then that's something they're going to have to deal with on their own. They must be cut off, especially if they've already been told that it is over, given the reason(s) why it's over, and told not to make contact.

 

That is how I was broken up with a few times in my younger days, and it turned out to be the best ways that they could have handled it. If I tried to contact someone and they answered, it would have ended up giving me some element of hope. Or shown me that they would still engage in emotional discussions with me. But when it is completely cut off when one person decides to end it, it shows that the emotional connection has ended and allows the person to begin healing rather than dragging anything out. Because, really, it does not matter about all of the 'why's' and making sure that everyone understands, and allowing the person to vent their hurt and thoughts and feelings...it does not matter....because someone has decided that the relationship is over, and nothing will change it and what they think about it does not matter anymore. They can vent their hurt and thoughts to someone else...someone that they DO have a relationship with, their friend(s)/parent(s)/counselor(s).

 

And yes, Mattym, you have bigger fish to fry and changing your phone number won't change the things that are going on within you and your marriage that led you to seek attention and excitement from someone outside of your marriage. You and your wife and therapist will need to sort all of that out. Changing your phone number and changing jobs are NOT going to heal anything. They are not simply bandages that will hide what is going on underneath, but they ARE things that should be done IN CONJUNCTION WITH the healing that must take place. For yourself and your wife.

[Tomcat33]

1002jn WOW that's some story, I can only speak for myself but thank you for sharing that it helped me see a lot! The OP more often that not are just vessels that facilitate either a much needed reconcilliation or a break up but a vessel nonetheless. I can accept that.

 

 

Mattym-

 

That is how I was broken up with a few times in my younger days, and it turned out to be the best ways that they could have handled it. If I tried to contact someone and they answered, it would have ended up giving me some element of hope. Or shown me that they would still engage in emotional discussions with me. But when it is completely cut off when one person decides to end it, it shows that the emotional connection has ended and allows the person to begin healing rather than dragging anything out. Because, really, it does not matter about all of the 'why's' and making sure that everyone understands, and allowing the person to vent their hurt and thoughts and feelings...it does not matter....because someone has decided that the relationship is over, and nothing will change it and what they think about it does not matter anymore. They can vent their hurt and thoughts to someone else...someone that they DO have a relationship with, their friend(s)/parent(s)/counselor(s).

 

.

 

 

Well yes it does matter that everyone understands actually, are you saying that when you were broken up with your exes who were one day telling you they loved you and wanted to marry you turned around with no warning and told "we are done, it's over don't contact me again" and you took that and disappeared? Or did they end up changing their phone # an addreses to ensure you never contacted them again? C'mon!

 

I appreciate the example but you can't compare a breakup with a rel that is not working out to one that is just getting off the ground with a lot of empty promises and a lot of hopes built on fantasy if you will but hopes instilled none the less. And I should add it's fantasy to a certain extent because at the time as you are in it if feels very real it feels hopeful and even feels right. This is a whole beast of its own. You cna't compare the emotional aspect of an A rel to that of regular one.

 

If Matt wants to change his phone #, move jobs etc because HE feels he needs to do this in order to trust his own actions I respect that, but to URGE him to do that as a way to make him realise it is the only way he will succeed seems very discouraging, to me. He needs to believe in himself again in his own power of conviction in his own actions in his WORD. That's the only way you build character after something like this, character and fiber which also prevent you from ever making a mistake like this again.

[bish]

And one last thing:

 

what's with the "change your phone, move jobs, move countries, change your identity, have complete physical MAKEOVER if you have to" OR WHATEVER cockomany things that are adviced here.

 

Oh....lets not forget, your opinion and advice are all that matters

 

 

WHO CARES if he changes his phone or not, if there is a will he will find a way to get in touch, new email address calling card, new phone WHATEVER. How about changing the root of the problem rather than the means?

 

Thats like saying, don't bother putting locks on your doors cuz a robber can just bust the door down anyway.

 

Your solution would be to leave the door wide open.

[NoIDidn't]

I read through the rest of the thread since I last posted.

 

How sad.

 

Matty is being pulled in so many directions and EVERYONE is posting from their perspective or biases. Being completely honest, I don't think that the OP opinion is needed or warranted here. He is not planning to leave his W. He is trying to leave the OP ALONE, FOR GOOD. Letting her down easy is only going to give her hope and more opportunity to manipulate him.

 

And for those that don't believe that his renderings of what the OW said isn't true, think about the men in your life. How many men could be so creative in their explanations about what a woman says unless a woman actually said it to them? Not being sexist. Just being real.

 

I am sure that I will be accused of creating division or pitting sides against each other, but that's already been done by other posters. The "bitter BS" comments, reflect much more on the posters than on any BSs posting in this thread. This is a thread that could use less banter and actually provide some help to Matty if the projections of the OPs humanity were left out. He didn't post for help with her. He posted for help for himself.

[norajane]

If Matt wants to change his phone #, move jobs etc because HE feels he needs to do this in order to trust his own actions I respect that, but to URGE him to do that as a way to make him realise it is the only way he will succeed seems very discouraging, to me. He needs to believe in himself again in his own power of conviction in his own actions in his WORD. That's the only way you build character after something like this, character and fiber which also prevent you from ever making a mistake like this again.

 

You missed, or ignored, the rest of clandestinidad's post, the part that starts:

It is very important to change your contact info for a few reasons. The main ones involve your wife.

Changing contact info and finding another job aren't merely to keep matty out of temptation's way. It's about helping his WIFE feel more comfortable if he severs these ties with OW.

 

I'm sure it would lessen his WIFE's pain just a bit to know that matty's cell phone isn't going to ring in the middle of dinner or at 3am with the OW calling.

 

I'm sure his wife would feel better knowing that her husband isn't going to run into OW at work at any moment. Not just because of temptation, but because of wife's raw anguish at imagining her husband every day being around the women he used to f*ck. It's torturous to a betrayed person to know that her partner is still around the person he cheated with.

 

IF matty truly wants to do things that will help him resolve the fall-out of his infidelity, he must do things that his wife needs to be more comfortable, especially when HER PAIN is so fresh.

[1002jen]

I read through the rest of the thread since I last posted.

 

How sad.

 

Matty is being pulled in so many directions and EVERYONE is posting from their perspective or biases. Being completely honest, I don't think that the OP opinion is needed or warranted here. He is not planning to leave his W. He is trying to leave the OP ALONE, FOR GOOD. Letting her down easy is only going to give her hope and more opportunity to manipulate him.

 

And for those that don't believe that his renderings of what the OW said isn't true, think about the men in your life. How many men could be so creative in their explanations about what a woman says unless a woman actually said it to them? Not being sexist. Just being real.

 

I am sure that I will be accused of creating division or pitting sides against each other, but that's already been done by other posters. The "bitter BS" comments, reflect much more on the posters than on any BSs posting in this thread. This is a thread that could use less banter and actually provide some help to Matty if the projections of the OPs humanity were left out. He didn't post for help with her. He posted for help for himself.

 

I don't agree with that. I think that both points of view are valid. In his situation he has both an OW and a BS. The WS, OW and BS are all equal players in the A after the A is disclosed. They all have a part in what happens from here, therefore both BS and OW points of view could benefit him. But he does need to acknowledge where the advice and opinions are coming from. The bias in both BS/OW posts is impossible to avoid.

 

I agree he asked for help for himself. A majority off the advice is how to make his wife feel better or how to let the OW down easy. Although it may make sense, its not addressing the core issue.

 

His is a free agent right now. Neither woman truly has ownership of him for the moment. His actions show he really hasn't made a choice. He can choose to stay with his W and try to rebuild his marriage. He can choose to leave and pursue relationship with his OW. He can also choose to leave his W and start over on his own. Even though many here would chastise him for making one or two of those choices, he still has the right to make those choices.

 

That may sound pretty fabulous for him and dreadful for everyone else involved (including his children), but the downside for him is that if he doesn't figure out what he wants soon he will lose those choices. There is a possibility he already has.

 

He needs to work through this and decide where is head and where his heart are really at. I believe enough time has passed that he knows what the answer is, but he hasn't been able to come to terms with it yet. Its scary to make choices like this without knowing what the future holds. There is a part of you that keeps thinking, "What if......"

[Tomcat33]

You missed, or ignored, the rest of clandestinidad's post, the part that starts:

Changing contact info and finding another job aren't merely to keep matty out of temptation's way. It's about helping his WIFE feel more comfortable if he severs these ties with OW.

 

I'm sure it would lessen his WIFE's pain just a bit to know that matty's cell phone isn't going to ring in the middle of dinner or at 3am with the OW calling.

 

I'm sure his wife would feel better knowing that her husband isn't going to run into OW at work at any moment. Not just because of temptation, but because of wife's raw anguish at imagining her husband every day being around the women he used to f*ck. It's torturous to a betrayed person to know that her partner is still around the person he cheated with.

 

.

 

 

I mised JACK. I saw everything that was posted I insist he does not need to cut his phone off. If he wants to do a gesture of good will for his W to put her mind at ease he can offer her his cell phone bills if she wants to track his calls. No, he SHOULD do that!

 

So he goes out and gets a new # and? he is still torn between what to do, he still misses the OW and does no fix the problem BUT he DID change the phone, SO in a moment of weakness he break down and calls the OW FROM THE NEW PHONE And BANG. Back to square one again. So then he comes to his senses again and WHAT has to go out and change his phone again? WHAT RIDICULOUS ADVICE!!

 

He could be having dinner with his W and the OW intterupts dinner with by showing up at their home. Or better yet gets their home phone number (heck she could be totally psycho as ALL OW are) and there you go dinner inetrreuptus!

 

HELLO! the phone is not the problem, the root is.

 

Why don't you just handcuff Matty to his W so that she can see what he is doing 24/7? That way he is safe from ever cheating again.

 

Unless his W insists on that and then I would respect her wishes, and then I would agree it is up to them to come to an agreement, then why are you all inisiting on that?

 

Shoving problems under the carpet does not solve them DEALING with them does. If the OW is a problem you DEAL WITH IT. But seems the problem starts at Matts lack of putting his food down.