Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 The harsh reality is this: you want results his W needs to mean business, if she puts her foot down and says something like "if there is one more form of contact I am out" THAT'S business. But she has to mean that. Cutting his phone off will do squat. Making him change jobs will do squat he'll see her on his way home from new job if he wants to. Don't you get it? HE has to decide this on his own out if his free will and own CONVICTION. Something he may not be 100% ready to do right now but taking the right steps can sure get him there.
norajane Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Tomcat, if you read through my list of suggestions, you'd see that THERAPY for him is way up there on the list of things I believe he ought to be starting immediately. I do not by any means believe that he can accomplish much unless he gets to the root of his problems. Nor have I insisted on anything. I provided him with a list of suggestions. He is free to take them or not, depending on what he decides his priorities are. If his priority is to try to make his wife feel better, then he will take some of those suggestions and use them.
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Well yes it does matter that everyone understands actually, are you saying that when you were broken up with your exes who were one day telling you they loved you and wanted to marry you turned around with no warning and told "we are done, it's over don't contact me again" and you took that and disappeared? Or did they end up changing their phone # an addreses to ensure you never contacted them again? C'mon! Have you seem to forgotten that he did tell her in person that it was over, twice actually...Then the sex night happened, 2 days of NC and that is when Matty decided he wanted to make sure the OW knew NC was forever. Not just some space away from her. Hense the email was sent.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Tomcat, if you read through my list of suggestions, you'd see that THERAPY for him is way up there on the list of things I believe he ought to be starting immediately. I do not by any means believe that he can accomplish much unless he gets to the root of his problems. Nor have I insisted on anything. I provided him with a list of suggestions. He is free to take them or not, depending on what he decides his priorities are. If his priority is to try to make his wife feel better, then he will take some of those suggestions and use them. And that's great, therapy in my opinion is GREART advice. He should dfe listen to that. My comment was not intended at you it was intended at those who evrey time they see Matt post harp him on whether he changed his phone yet, and if not WHY NOT? Like he doesn't have enough to deal with already than coming on here, a place where he can get some advice and let it all out to have report to a bunch of stranges aksing why why why WHY??? he has not as of yet changed his phone.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Have you seem to forgotten that he did tell her in person that it was over, twice actually...Then the sex night happened, 2 days of NC and that is when Matty decided he wanted to make sure the OW knew NC was forever. Not just some space away from her. Hense the email was sent. yeah that's just it though the night which was filled with drinks and talk and dinner and sexual fun sort of erases any attempt he made prior to that to cut it off doesn't it? Or is it just me that sees it as sending the wrong message? But I'm sure you will find a way to blame the OW for that too!
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 yeah that's just it though the night which was filled with drinks and talk and dinner and sexual fun sort of erases any attempt he made prior to that to cut it off doesn't it? Or is it just me that sees it as sending the wrong message? But I'm sure you will find a way to blame the OW for that too! No, it's both of their faults actually.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 No, it's both of their faults actually. :lmao::lmao: Right because the OW is the one trying rebuild her marriage right? She put a gun to his head and made him go screw her right? Yeah they are both at fault for betraying his WORD to his W. Seriously, save it.
Tomcat33 Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 Look life's lessons are learned from consequences. When a person loses their way and is on a path of destruction but that also feels VERY good, that road does not come to a halt until a crisis hits, it won't happen by itself because a person going down that road does not want it to stop, it feels too good to stop even if it is wrong. So they need a real obstacle in their path to shake some sense into them, a speed bump if you will. The first speedbump was his W fnding out about the A, ok great Matt goes into panic mode realises he wants his W family. Then a few weeks after that he realises he can get away with just a little bit more, so what happens is it keeps him on the road, he knows he has to get off but not just yet. The life lesson here so far is "I have one woman who is waiting for me to come around to see if she still wants me and another who is waiting on the sideslines incase the marriage fails"That's not an obstacle, that's not going to get him off the path that is just going to keep him going but proceeding with caution until of course he gets careless again. If his W said to him GET OUT. I want you out I don't want you here like this and I want nothing to do with you like this. Guaranteed he will have to act. But then again she doesn't know he is sitll pining over the OW so her educated guess to plug away in the hopes they can work it out is in fact based on misinfomed facts. So when in doubt just take the bull by the horns yourself. But since his W is not here to advice her, this last bit is futile. Other than the pain of losing the feeling of what he has with the OW he is not really feeling any other consquences, his W's pain seems to hit home but not nearly as much as it should to make him realise what he is doing. So what to do? Have him suffer real consecuences, you say you want your family and W well go off and do what you have to do and if I am still here good for you if not your loss but that is a risk you have to take I don't want you or THIS like this. He has no real choice to make because he is not faced with any real loss. Not yet. Sorry Matt that's the harsh reality.
bish Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 The harsh reality is this: you want results his W needs to mean business, if she puts her foot down and says something like "if there is one more form of contact I am out" THAT'S business. But she has to mean that. Cutting his phone off will do squat. Making him change jobs will do squat he'll see her on his way home from new job if he wants to. Don't you get it? HE has to decide this on his own out if his free will and own CONVICTION. Something he may not be 100% ready to do right now but taking the right steps can sure get him there. Then I guess all the therpists that say the same thing, change phones, change jobs...etc. are just plain full of crap, right Tomcat?
OpenBook Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Then I guess all the therpists that say the same thing, change phones, change jobs...etc. are just plain full of crap, right Tomcat? I guess Matty could always enter a Witness Protection Program.:D
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 835 posts and still no apparent solution ? Looks to me like you're all trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and who is just really interested in doing his own thing. Maybe he's really taking all these posts to heart and maybe he's just getting some kinda wierd satisfaction from the fact that he is taking "help" from so many people. Doesn't look to me like it's helping any so far, heh. Un-constructive post, but wth, heh. Just my two bits .. Bobby
OpenBook Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Doesn't look to me like it's helping any so far, heh. Well I don't know about Matty, but it sure helps ME to see the MM's thought process during an A. I admit it's not pretty... but I'm grateful for being revealed more of the truth.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 835 posts and still no apparent solution ? Looks to me like you're all trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and who is just really interested in doing his own thing. It hasn't been that long and honestly, I think Matty IS getting help here. It may not be happening fast enough for some around here, but it is HIS life. It's hard to open up and share, he's been honest and put up with attacks too. I have to have faith that he'll wake up someday soon and put all that love and energy into his wife and kids, move on past the OW and realize that she was a mistake.
Bobby NoBrains Posted September 9, 2007 Posted September 9, 2007 Not every MM is like him, different folks different thought processes .. So definitely not something to base everything on. Some men are casual about it, some are "professionals" who have done it often enough to deal with it, some are affected like matty, and there are still prolly others who think what they have done is the right thing ... What I was kidding about was that this guy seems to not be able to get a handle on things at all, and if he chooses to let things happen around him as he sits and watches, all the advice is not gonna work :/ Uh, I got defensive, now why would I do that ? Because I made an un-constructive post Just my two bits .. Bobby
outrageousxcgirl Posted September 10, 2007 Posted September 10, 2007 you don't love them both. You like the excitement of being caught, your a bored man.. you got your thrill your still on the rollar coaster, your ENTIRE life is the rollar coaster... if you leave your wife your rollar coaster is gonna throw you off, your gonna be a log flum with this new chick and the log flum is gonna get you all wet and in about 5 hours your gonna be cold, wet and alone.
bestadvisor Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 My W said ' what if she says she's pregnant? I think that would be it for me, I couldn't stay here' I said 'I'm sure she isn't - I didn't have unprotected sex with her' Matt never answer our question about using protection, I wonder what he told his wife are the complete truth or not. I think Matt will eventually wake up when he got her pregnant or when he catch one of her diseases.
Flyin in Clouds Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 My behaviour has been terrible ... What do I do? ... Matt Become a Muslim (make OBL happy) and explain to your wife and mistress you are now allowed to have four wives, but you will settle for the two of them for now. and hey old Hard2Think how've you been? To be serious Matt, yes it is possible to love more than one person at a time. You love your kids don't you? You can love a person without having sex with them. You can have sex with a person without loving them. Let's see there's a song about this... "What's love got to do with it... " I love my wife and my wife's best friend. I'm physically attracted to both of them. I want both to be happy. When my wife's friend got divorced I asked my wife to get her friend a job (they had worked together before). I worked to find my wife's friend another man so she'd have someone in her life - because I didn't want to see her suffering as she was. Maybe that's just friendship but this woman is important to me and I think of it as more than just friendship. I love both of them but I only sleep with one of them. Not that I wouldn't like to sleep with both of them if they'd go for it. Far be it from me to disappoint two women if they be hot for my bod. If you want more romance or more attention from your wife, then make the effort to wine and dine her as you did before you married.Wow... now that's a hell of a lot of work... after all we got married to avoid having to work so hard to get laid didn't we? (for the sarcasm impaired.... hold the flame throwers...) ..but inevitably in her eyes OW is just a 'sl*t' so that chat has just kind of dried up Of course the wife always view the OW as a slut... but what the wives don't realize is guys have the OW because their wife isn't the slut they'd like to have her be. Often i think i just deserve to be dumped and left on my own for what I've done to her.You got that right buddy... and here's the deal. Your wife now has a right to find a stud of her own to have a little fun with. But being a virtuous woman she won't want to stoop to your level. But she should. It would make the two of you equal again. She'd be no better than you, and you no worse than her. And the ego stroke and validation might make her feel better. Matt, we are not trying to be harsh with you, but your wife does not deserve to be a casualty in your search for excitement.Well this is a dilemma. Just what is a guy supposed to do when "you've lost that lovein' feeling..." ? When the wife doesn't provide the excitement anymore, because she doesn't think she has to or doesn't care to or whatever... of she gets too busy with the kids and back burners the most important person in her life - her spouse. Kids grow up and leave. A spouse is supposed to be for a lifetime. Of course Matt you just might not be Mr. Excitement, Mr. Super Stud for your wife either. She might think your love making a little dull. And while I think Muslims are screwed up in many ways, as far as the number of wives a man is allowed to have I think they got that right. Sorry ladies... OK, I'm skipping pages 5 through 52... Let's see if there's anything interesting at the end of this thread. Nope nothing new there... I wonder if Matt's still around....
bestadvisor Posted September 11, 2007 Posted September 11, 2007 OK, I'm skipping pages 5 through 52... Let's see if there's anything interesting at the end of this thread. Nope nothing new there... I wonder if Matt's still around.... The only thing new between 5 and 52 is that Matt slept with the OW again weeks after his wife found out about it. He even had thought about leaving his wife and kids.
sandim Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 I am guessing that one of two things happened.1.) Matty went and saw /slept with the OW again, and his wife found out or 2.) That Matty's wife got fed up with this waffling garbage and threw him out. Otherwise, he would have been here , asking questions about how to continue to reconcile with his wife. That's pretty darn sad. Sandi
Tomcat33 Posted September 14, 2007 Posted September 14, 2007 Hey Matt - just thinking about you and hoping things are better on the homefront. Hope you manged to gain a little more clarity to do what's best for all. tom
chimuffin Posted September 15, 2007 Posted September 15, 2007 I hope that by now you and your wife can stop talking DAILY about the OW. It wont ever go away if you dont. You keep her alive. Of course your wife is gonna ask you details. This is one area i really dont think she needs to know everything. It will eat at your wife like nothing else ever could. She will NEVER forget. I had been cheated on early in my marriage and i never forgot one thing about it. I buried it but it was always there. I hope that the two of you can get some good counseling. Together and alone. I assume youre not talking to the OW anymore?
BestAdvisor1 Posted September 16, 2007 Posted September 16, 2007 I am guessing that one of two things happened.1.) Matty went and saw /slept with the OW again, and his wife found out or 2.) That Matty's wife got fed up with this waffling garbage and threw him out. Otherwise, he would have been here , asking questions about how to continue to reconcile with his wife. That's pretty darn sad. Sandi I think you might be right this time.
sandim Posted September 17, 2007 Posted September 17, 2007 I think you might be right this time. I don't want to be right BA. I want to hear that Matty did the right thing and broke it off and it stayed broken off. I won't be surprised to hear from Matty that he stayed in contact and now OW is pregnant, so he felt he must leave....and that his wife found out about the continued contact and sex and threw him out. It's a darn shame that he was willing to jeapordize so much for so little. Especially when he will get dumped in a few months by OW anyway. Afterall, there will come another man who doesn't have a STBXW and child support, more money and less encumberances, then our poor boy Matty will be out on the street. Be careful of the bridges you burn Matty my man. You can't turn back once you burn them. Sandi
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