My Wife found out about me

[imstunned]

Having ended things tonight, I'm sitting here feeling remorseful, almost mourning the loss of that illict fun and excitement. I know i did the right thing, but it feels like all I now have ahead is struggle to regain trust and normality at the end of it

 

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

 

If you onyl really ended it tonight then give your self a chance. Feelings dont just switch off because you have done the right thing. I'm no expert (far far from it) but after discovering I was unwittingly involved with a mm I trawled the internet and have read everything I have found about affairs. I have read that what you are experiencing is very common, you are sufferign a loss too. How long it will take to move past that is anyones guess - but you need to acknowlege that your feeling and your sense of loss for OW are real.

 

I'll probably get bashed for saying that.

[norajane]

Having ended things tonight, I'm sitting here feeling remorseful, almost mourning the loss of that illict fun and excitement. I know i did the right thing, but it feels like all I now have ahead is struggle to regain trust and normality at the end of it

 

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

 

You've 'ended' things before. Remember when she was sick and crying all day? And then when she told you she'd commit suicide?

 

What if her new bf decides he's not into her and she flips around and starts trying to make you feel like Superman again? Will you still want things to be over between you, or are you still thinking you might go back if she acted with you like she did before?

 

Are you SURE you're done now and you've ended things? Because if you have, now would be a good time to erase her phone number, erase all the texts you've saved, all her emails, erase her email address, everything.

 

You maintain NC, by not contacting her and not replying to her if she tries to contact you. The longer you remain without contact, then the more distance you will create, and the illicit fun and excitement will fade in your mind to be replaced by remorse for what you did to your family, and incredulity that you were thisclose to tossing away everything.

 

You have to give it time.

 

In the meantime, yes, you have work ahead of you to rebuild you marriage, if that's possible. IF.

 

Are you going to any individual counseling or a marriage counselor. That's a good place to start.

[michaelk]

matty, I've been in your shoes, more or less. Mid-life crisis, small kids at home, the lure of exciting sex and romance, the affair - all of it.

 

At the end of my A, I knew that my OW still loved and wanted me just as much as ever. But we both recognized that I was not going to put my family or myself through the ordeal of a divorce. And so it ended.

 

The three months following that were painful and difficult. The next three months were less so. After that, I'd say I was out of the grieving phase. Do I still think of the OW? Pretty much every day. Does my heart ache at the thought of her? Not anymore. Do I regret my decision to stay? No.

 

What helped me more than anything else in dealing with my feelings of loss was my therapist. I would strongly suggest that you do the same. You're going to want to talk about how much you miss your OW, your fears of what she's doing now, your doubts about whether you did the right thing, and just how damned much you miss her. This is the one place where your W, who should be your confidante, can't help you. But the therapist or counselor can. And you're going to want to discuss how things are going at home, issues that arise with your W and kids, and they can help you here too.

 

It is possible for you to get to a good place with your life at home, and to get past the A. But don't make the mistake of thinking it will be easy. Some people see affairs in black-and-white terms: you're a cheater, you're in the wrong, and once you see that you should be able to 'do the right thing', like flipping a switch. Reality is that you're dissolving an emotional bond that you formed with another person, and that is a loss you will have to grieve.

 

I wish you all the best. Be assured that it can be done.

 

MK

[bestadvisor]

Having ended things tonight, I'm sitting here feeling remorseful, almost mourning the loss of that illict fun and excitement. I know i did the right thing, but it feels like all I now have ahead is struggle to regain trust and normality at the end of it

 

How long does that last, and how do I get over that?

 

It seems like the affair is not over. If the OW called Matty now and cry on the phone, I bet Matty will be back in her arms.

 

I agree with the one who suggest come completely clean with his W and start over. Maybe your W already knew and some day she is going to resent you. If you're honest, that could prevent the future resentment and allow you to start fresh.

[LakesideDream]

I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of a cheating spouse... in spades. That being said, I ABSOLUTELY WOULD NOT advise the OP to "come clean, tell his wife, be honest, blah blah". For Gawd's sake keep it to yourself!

 

If he actually loves his wife, and honestly does not intend to repeat his cheating with this OW or another, please consider your poor suffering wife's emotional health. What is the point in putting her through the suffering and dispare "clearing your consience" will cause? Why not just be the best husband, father, and lover that you can?

[whichwayisup]

And to WWIU... Yeah, you're probably right about that. Then again, there's sometimes a bit of a "fog" surrounding the betrayed spouse too. Mrs. Thumb had him in the dark for 8 months if you'll remember.

 

Yes, I remember.

 

It seems though that Matty has a very loving and forgiving wife, (like Thumbs is with his wife) so with that being said, as BA agreed with me, maybe telling her everything WILL end the affair once and for all.

[BestAdvisor1]

 

Anyway it's weird but I had a dream that my wife was in bed with someone else and it really affected me. When i woke up i couldnt get this idea out of my head, and it drove me crazy with jealousy.

 

She did after all start with me while seeing her BF & he was none the wiser since they didnt live together

 

what struck me though was the complete lack of emotion - after all these months

 

 

 

Your wife seems like a great woman. She will find someone else if you leave and that "dream" of yours will come true. That was only your dream. Now, imagine her pain knowing for sure and not a dream what you did with anther woman.

 

Are you saying that OW cheated on her boyfriend with you? She's probably sleeping around now, or at least with another man at this moment. Has your wife done that to you? You have a warm home, why are you doing this to your W, your kids, and your marriage for some low life thrill you call "fun"?

[mattym]

it seems you really weren't the one who ended. It appears you were on the receiving end of getting dumped. She moved on and left you no choice but to go back to your wife and family, your safety net. It appears you just kept her around in case things didn't work out for you. I could be reading your post wrong and if I am, I apologize,but I don't think I am wrong.

 

Thanks for all the advice, it is very helpful

 

I think you're right- she had started to see the writing on the wall

 

3-4 weeks ago she was going crazy for me, as I posted elsewhere, saying ' I'm not strong enough to go through life without you' and I was spending time, ANY time ( even an hour some days) with her just to keep her happy so she didn't break down and become emotional

 

When I was spending those times with her, I was thinking ' I just want to get home' - I stayed late one night and she caught me staring into space when i was wishing I was at home. She said ' I'm fighting a losing battle here - you want to be at home'

 

Since then she has withdrawn, I think maybe she realised, as did I, that my 'love' for her wasn't as strong as I thought. If I felt like that then, how would I feel 6 months later if I'd left?

 

Also, OW has always been excellent as enticing me with sex.

 

She would talk about it constantly on the phone, what she wanted me to do with her, how much I turned her on etc.

My W, and other partners I've had have always been more reserved in that way & I wasn't used to that, so she naturally made me feel like I was Mr Desirable 2007 ! ( yeah, sure I was!)

 

Lately though she has withdrawn from the sex side of things - and with that i felt my interest waning.

 

I read the 31 steps guide from infidelity, and one in particular struck me, about 'affair-ing 'down' - as i said before my W would never swear in public, be vulgar in company, smoke etc - I'm no angel but OW would do that and sometimes I'd pick her up on her language- she'd look at celebs in magazines and say ' wow, imagine having sex with him' etc, and I'd say ' don't talk like that' - to me sex is an intimate act that i don't chat about with everyone, she'd talk like that in company at work

 

I guess I'm half realising, and half trying to convince myself, that my W is in a different class

 

I wonder if OW had been my W whether she's have been as forgiving as my W is now

 

If I'm honest though, I'm worried for myself about falling off the NC wagon

 

An hour after I'd put the phone down last night I wanted to call her, and started imagining us having sex and missing her. I Know it's wrong of me, and I kept myself busy getting the kids ready for bed, but the thoughts were there nonetheless

 

Just hope the 'missing' feelings don't stay this strong, and it appears from what others here have said they will fade. Hope I'm strong enough

 

As for my W, we still discuss OW. In her mind, she is a thieving slut who wanted to steal her kids

OW is 30, has infertility problems, and was always saying she would love my kids like her own. Several times during the A she would be out somewhere and call me saying ' I've bough the kids some presents, your daughter will love what i got her' - It freaked me out a bit as she's never met the kids, that she'd feel that close to them?

 

Anyway my W's view is ' I have no sympathy for her, she wanted to play mommy with my kids. No way would I let that happen. She had a termination to further her career. So she had a chance at family and decided not to, then she got into bed with a MM - she played with fire & got burned. To hell with her'

[Ladyjane14]

No matter what he should tell his wife. He owes her that much. He owes her the opportunity to decide for herself if he is a man worth staying with and if she has a marriage worth rebuilding. He has made all the decisions that effect her life without consulting her about any of it. She has lived a life that is a lie. She thought that she was married to a faithful man and she wasn't. She thought that he loved her enough to treat her with total respect and honest, he didn't. She believed that he would do anything to protect her and their family from all hurt, pain and danger, he didn't. Instead he brought the mess to his home, whether she knows it or not.

 

Give her the choice of what she wants to do with the rest of her life and if she wants to spend it with him wondering if when he has another crisis will he seek comfort and ego stroking somewhere else. It is commendable that you finally ended the affair, but it seems you really weren't the one who ended. It appears you were on the receiving end of getting dumped. She moved on and left you no choice but to go back to your wife and family, your safety net. It appears you just kept her around in case things didn't work out for you. I could be reading your post wrong and if I am, I apologize,but I don't think I am wrong.

 

Like I said before, BNB... I believe there are HUGE positives to be had in opening up to his wife, and for all the points I made earlier. Don't get me wrong on that.

But I think Matt needs to make this choice of his own volition. That's all.

 

I've seen betrayed partners fall out on both sides of the issue as to whether or not they truly want to know. Most do, but the ones who don't are fairly vehement about it.

 

It's Matt and his family who has to live with the outcome. I'm not comfortable with recommending a course that can tip the balance so quickly and completely. I'd rather see him get with a professional on that.

[Faith4u]

Are you in live with the OW? or you are feeling that you want her now that you feel she is detached from?

 

I think it is more the second one, but I am not sure since I do not know much about her or yourself.

 

You should focus on what you have if you feel that you will be happier with your family and see your future with your wife and kids.

 

It is better not to communicate with the OW for as long as possible....! MAybe life will join you some day, if that is your road, you will bump into her someday.

 

Take care and stay strong, spend time with your kids and wife, fill up your schedule!

 

Hi all

 

Just went to update the old thread from August but it's been closed

 

Just felt typing here would be a catharis, and boy could I use some support- I'm feeling pretty low

 

My now 6 month-long A with the OW officially ended today

 

the past few weeks she's gone from 'I cannot live without you' to ' there is no point us carrying on, you obviously want to be with your W' and ' I know now I'm fighting a losing battle'

 

Anyway she's been progressively more distant, so much so I've even wondered if she started seeing somebody new. I caught her out about calling a recently-seperated work colleague. In a nutshell, she called him from her private phone, told me she called him from a work phone regarding a work matter. Couple of weeks later she mentioned he had text her 'good luck' for a work project. i said ' That's odd, he hardly knows you, yet he thought of you and text you on your own number, thought you'd called him from work the other week?'

She said ' I didn't tell you it was my own phone because I knew you'd get the wrong idea'

I said ' Oh, can i see his text msg?'

She said 'I deleted it' - yet she's kept all her others from other people, why delete that one?

 

Anyway it's weird but I had a dream that my wife was in bed with someone else and it really affected me. When i woke up i couldnt get this idea out of my head, and it drove me crazy with jealousy. Also I've been seeing less of OW and spending more time with the kids. They really are fantastic- hard work as they're both so young, but such great company, and for the first time in months we've started connecting again

 

It was my birthday this week and my W spent all day baking for when i got home. She'd made a real effort and I looked at my family and thought 'what the hell have I been doing?'

 

OW called me and said ' happy birthday, cant see you as I'm so busy at work'- when I eventually saw her for 10 minutes she gave me a card & a gift which (i'm not saying this because I'm materialistic) cost next to nothing- she hadn't even wrapped it, just left it in the plastic bag

 

I called her yesterday and she didnt answer her phone. I text & said ' we need to talk, this has gone on too long'

 

She answered 'I'm busy but I keep thinking we should have ended things by now, I'm tired of this'

 

I said ' we need to speak to do this properly'

 

She said ' I have no problem with that, will call you later'

 

She didnt

 

Or today

 

By this evening I was p*ssed off she still hadn't called, so i called her. She didnt answer. So I re-read dozens of the old posts on the other thread for willpower & then sent the following text:

 

"Sorry I have to do this b text msg, but you havent called as promised and so obviously don't wish to talk. i respect that but things need to be said . It's time for us to part, I have behaved badly and led you on. I apologise for that, it's all my fault, i should not have done this, but we need to move on and you need to find someone unattached who can make you happy'

 

10 mins later my phone rang, she made small talk and I said ' did you get the msg?' she said ' yes' then said she agreed with it all! No emotions, no 'why are you doing this?' - Nothing - just agreement!!

 

I honestly expected a battle after her emotional outbursts a couple of months ago. I asked her if she was seeing anyone else, she said 'No' but then later said ' Who knows what's going to happen in our lives, maybe I'll meet someone' - then that was it, convo dried up, we said goodbye and 'take care of yourself' and that was it! Do you think she has found someone else? She did after all start with me while seeing her BF & he was none the wiser since they didnt live together

 

what struck me though was the complete lack of emotion - after all these months

 

Anyway I have mentally told myself that's it, NC from today. From now on my family gets 110% of me, if it's not too late- & I hope to God it isn't

 

Family worries aside, I'm scared I'll be tempted to call OW or lose myself mentally by missing her. Alread tonight I'm thinking of the good times we had

 

It may seem like a small step to some, but sending her that msg would have been unthinkable for me before now

 

How do I remain focussed on my family now and not get nostalgic or sad for what's passed with me & OW?

 

thanks

 

Matt

[Ladyjane14]

matty, I've been in your shoes, more or less. Mid-life crisis, small kids at home, the lure of exciting sex and romance, the affair - all of it.

 

At the end of my A, I knew that my OW still loved and wanted me just as much as ever. But we both recognized that I was not going to put my family or myself through the ordeal of a divorce. And so it ended.

 

The three months following that were painful and difficult. The next three months were less so. After that, I'd say I was out of the grieving phase. Do I still think of the OW? Pretty much every day. Does my heart ache at the thought of her? Not anymore. Do I regret my decision to stay? No.

 

What helped me more than anything else in dealing with my feelings of loss was my therapist. I would strongly suggest that you do the same. You're going to want to talk about how much you miss your OW, your fears of what she's doing now, your doubts about whether you did the right thing, and just how damned much you miss her. This is the one place where your W, who should be your confidante, can't help you. But the therapist or counselor can. And you're going to want to discuss how things are going at home, issues that arise with your W and kids, and they can help you here too.

 

It is possible for you to get to a good place with your life at home, and to get past the A. But don't make the mistake of thinking it will be easy. Some people see affairs in black-and-white terms: you're a cheater, you're in the wrong, and once you see that you should be able to 'do the right thing', like flipping a switch. Reality is that you're dissolving an emotional bond that you formed with another person, and that is a loss you will have to grieve.

 

I wish you all the best. Be assured that it can be done.

 

MK

 

I'm reprinting MichaelK's post for you, Matt, in the hope that you'll read it twice.

[Ladyjane14]

And how will his wife know to get with a professional(doctor for testing) if he doesn't tell her. Is he willing to bet HER life on it? He has already said he wasn't the only one this woman messed with. It is only fair and shows some respect for her health. I don't know a mother with children who wouldn't want to know that she could have been exposed to something that could take her away from her children. Come on he didn't consult a professional before he put his winky in the OW.

 

They've already had their D-Day, BNB. His wife already knows he's had an affair, and hopefully, she's following up with STD testing in accordance with whatever advice she's had from her doctor.

 

Like I said, I agree with you. In fact, in his first thread I told Matt... "Never lie to your wife again". And I understand most thoroughly the importance of establishing true emotional intimacy and how integral complete honesty is to that process.

 

But... I also know how painful it is to discover that contact between the affair partners has not indeed ended. Once you've moved on into the reconciliation process, it's terribly damaging to the self-esteem. You've been 'putting yourself out there', bonding hysterically, and investing 100%... just to find out that he's been looking into your face and LYING again.

 

It's scary. It feels like you really don't know this person, like he's somebody else entirely who's just capable of ANYTHING. You know, there were moments when I was literally AFRAID of my own husband. Not because he'd said or done anything threatening, but rather because he was such a STRANGER to me, it was like letting some random person into my house and into my bed.

 

I'm just not comfortable in situations like this one, recommending that a person take MY advice, when doing so might wreck his process. I don't want Matt to come back later saying, "Ladyjane told me to do THIS in order to save my marriage, and after I did... my wife dumped me and now I'm 'living in a van down by the river'."

 

I'm NOT a trained therapist. I'm just some weird internet 'agony aunt' who gets a kick out of sharing her experience. This guy has a wife and two kids depending on him. He's got an extended family history that doesn't include divorce which appears to be a consideration for him. He NEEDS professional help. At least that's my opinion, and that's all we can offer him... opinions.

 

Again, I'm not arguing a point or saying you're wrong, BNB.

I just think this guy is in deeper trouble that he can be pulled out of by an internet forum.

[Alexandra]

I'm NOT a trained therapist. I'm just some weird internet 'agony aunt' who gets a kick out of sharing her experience. This guy has a wife and two kids depending on him. He's got an extended family history that doesn't include divorce which appears to be a consideration for him. He NEEDS professional help. At least that's my opinion, and that's all we can offer him... opinions.

 

Again, I'm not arguing a point or saying you're wrong, BNB.

I just think this guy is in deeper trouble that he can be pulled out of by an internet forum.

 

Well I am. And I agree 110%.

 

Matty, people have suggested therapy every other post in all of your threads and I have yet to see a firm response from you on the topic.

 

So let me ask you this: Is there any reason why you are avoiding the topic of therapy? Do you think counseling for yourself wouldn't help at all? Do you really want your marriage to have a fair shot at working out? Do you want to just generally feel better?

 

Think about those questions, re-read what MichaelK posted and make that counseling appointment today. Give it a shot, what do you have to lose?

[JamesM]

Well I am. And I agree 110%.

 

 

Are you a trained therapist?

[Alexandra]

Are you a trained therapist?

 

Yup. It's in the profile too. Not practicing now but yeah.

[norajane]

I'm just not comfortable in situations like this one, recommending that a person take MY advice, when doing so might wreck his process. I don't want Matt to come back later saying, "Ladyjane told me to do THIS in order to save my marriage, and after I did... my wife dumped me and now I'm 'living in a van down by the river'."

 

Never fear, matty has yet to take anyone's advice on anything.

[mattym]

I do take advice on here, it's just so tough & I have no one else to confide in relaly since my friends are at work and so is OW and it will all come out

 

I have no objection to therapy but have no idea how to go about it ( in UK by the way)

 

Also, rightly or wrongly, I've been led to believe that therapy is for people that are nuts. Sorry, it's my upbringing. 'stiff upper lip and get on with things' - typical Brit

[imstunned]

in the uk - relate would be a good place to start for individual counselling about your relationships.

[child_of_isis]

Another MM bagged by a vagina waving OW!

 

Good score there Matty...it sounds as if you have wifey believing that OW chased you down until you tripped and fell....

 

aka on LS as "psycho OW"

 

All hell is going to break loose when wifey finds out differently. When she finds out the real truth.

 

And trust me...she will.

 

 

 

Also, OW has always been excellent as enticing me with sex.

 

 

Anyway my W's view is ' I have no sympathy for her, she wanted to play mommy with my kids. No way would I let that happen. She had a termination to further her career. So she had a chance at family and decided not to, then she got into bed with a MM - she played with fire & got burned. To hell with her'

[LifesontheUp]

I do take advice on here, it's just so tough & I have no one else to confide in relaly since my friends are at work and so is OW and it will all come out

 

I have no objection to therapy but have no idea how to go about it ( in UK by the way)

 

Also, rightly or wrongly, I've been led to believe that therapy is for people that are nuts. Sorry, it's my upbringing. 'stiff upper lip and get on with things' - typical Brit

 

If you don't have a counselling section in work you could always visit your doctor. He can usually put you in touch with local professional counsellors. Relate can be hit or miss and the waiting lists are usually months.

 

I wouldn't worry about the british stiff upper lip as quite frankly its a load of cr** and I think you'll find most people think like that these days.

 

NO EXCUSES Matty, get yourself some counselling urgently, before you get back with the OW.

[bestadvisor]

Matt, you've mentioned that you will disclose all this to your wife? When are you going to do it? There are two reasons you should do it, the first one is to be completely truthful to her and start all over again and second, it seems that's the only way to prevent you from doing something again with this OW.

 

You have said it yourself, your wife is at a whole different class than this OW. The choice is clear, especially when there are kids involved. There is only so much a person can take, and sometimes, they don't even show their frustration and just realize it at an instant moment. If your wife found out that you've been lying instead of you coming forward with the truth, there is no telling of what she would do. Aren't you glad that you've never introduce this woman to your kids, there is even a possibility that if you did, they would be in danger.

 

Some people in here want you to divorce your wife, because they believe that you deserve some type of punishment. And you will if you leave your wife or if she leaves you.

 

Do the right thing; you'll breath better. Come clean and start fresh with your wife and let her be a part of this process to prevent you from in contact with this OW again.

[child_of_isis]

Personally, I think W knows more than she is letting on. She knows that her children are in danger and that Matty put them in this situation. W made a remark along the lines of.."she (OW) wants my children". Being a mother myself, this speaks volumes of W's mind set.

 

W is waiting until she knows for sure that OW is out of the picture before she makes a move....OW being out of the picture= safety for her children.

 

Never underestimate this W.

If your wife found out that you've been lying instead of you coming forward with the truth, there is no telling of what she would do. Aren't you glad that you've never introduce this woman to your kids, there is even a possibility that if you did, they would be in danger.

 

.

[OpenBook]

Matt, you've mentioned that you will disclose all this to your wife? When are you going to do it? There are two reasons you should do it, the first one is to be completely truthful to her and start all over again and second, it seems that's the only way to prevent you from doing something again with this OW.

 

I don't think the danger is from this particular OW. I think the danger lies within you yourself, Matty, and that's why you're so wishy-washy about going to counseling. It will be revealed in the light of day, and you are not ready to face it yet. Your family suddenly becomes precious to you only when your OW cruelly turns away from you and moves on?? You're using your family as your safety net. And everything will be fine at home... until the next potential OW comes along.

[LifesontheUp]

I do take advice on here, it's just so tough & I have no one else to confide in relaly since my friends are at work and so is OW and it will all come out

 

I have no objection to therapy but have no idea how to go about it ( in UK by the way)

 

Also, rightly or wrongly, I've been led to believe that therapy is for people that are nuts. Sorry, it's my upbringing. 'stiff upper lip and get on with things' - typical Brit

 

Most people in work likely know even if you think you have been discrete. I'll tell you they WILL know and who knows what'll eventually get back to your wife. I've experienced it.

 

You should tell your wife so she can decide for herself what she wants to do, let her make an informed decision on her own life. Why should you continue to hold all the cards, you are being selfish.

 

Now I don't say tell her in the hope that she ditches you because it doesn't matter to me either way. I don't know you.

 

For once take some action Matty before one of your work colleagues sees your wife and lets slip or the OW turns up to tell her. It'll be better coming from you.........believe me.

[whichwayisup]

I have no objection to therapy but have no idea how to go about it ( in UK by the way)

 

You're an adult Matty! You call your Dr and ask for a referral or just look up therapists in the phone book and make an appt. Silly!

 

Also, rightly or wrongly, I've been led to believe that therapy is for people that are nuts. Sorry, it's my upbringing. 'stiff upper lip and get on with things' - typical Brit

But you know better and you know you NEED therapy to get your head back on straight. Think of yourself AS crazy right now! Sorry, but look at what you've done for the past xx amount of months, it IS crazy behaviour so yeah, I think therapy will help you even more so as you need to change otherwise you'll lose your wife and kids.