My Wife found out about me

[bestadvisor]

I'm trying, and haven't broken NC, but it's hard work

 

And you think it's easy work for your W to live and sleep with a cheater after given birth to his two chidren? You think it's easy work for your W to be betrayed like that by someone who she has devoted her entire life to? You think it's easy work for her to be crying and dying inside knowing what her husband did?

 

'If you'd ever got with her, you could have seen the kids no problem, but not her, not for a long while at least'

 

So you know, your wife has actually been thinking (and maybe planning) about leaving you and divorcing you. From now on, it won't take much to push her over the edge.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't be a fool mattym. You're lucky you have a kind, compassionate and loving wife, who cares more about the family unit, than her own needs. I wonder how you would feel if she walked away, maybe even left you with the kids, to care for and support, by yourself.

 

I think you would then realize, that it's nothing more than a cheap addiction. Sometimes reality has to hit you with a two-by-four, before you truly understand what you've done.

 

Stay strong or you'll lose what you should be valuing most. Your family.

[whichwayisup]

Just keep telling yourself the truth here - You don't love the OW, you love how she made you feel. You know she is not wife material - She's selfish and immature, filled with drama and mind games. She's the opposite of your wife. So, what's left? The OW made you feel intensity, fed your ego and looked at you like you were the King.

 

DO you think the OW would be there for you? To support you through life's rough times? Do you believe the OW would hold your hand after a bad day, bring you tea and listen to you what's bothering you? Do you believe the OW could be a good loving wife, someone whom you could trust? Be a stepmother to your children? My guess here is a big fat NO. Once again..

 

Continue to talk this out in therapy. You know the worst could still happen, your wife could get fed up and kick you out. Then, one of two things would happen -1) you'd run to the OW and as soon as reality hit (honeymoon phase wears off) you'd realize all that you lost.. Or 2)Your wife kicks you out, you lose everything that you thought you loved, the OW tells you to not to contact her ever again, and you're alone.

 

Scary but a real possibility, so remember that next time you start thinking of the OW. She's the poison and cancer in your life that you have to get rid of to survive.

[Ladyjane14]

OW is still on my mind, I hope she's ok and I think about her everyday. I was toying with sending her a text, not to get her back, but just to aplogise for stringing her along, for making her believe we'd be together when we wouldn't and for hurting her. I was going to add that I wish her luck and maybe someday if we see each other we could at least be friends

 

haven't sent it, but thought it might 'put things to rest' ?

 

Nope. These guys are right. That's just your stinkin' thinker trying to set you up with a "fix" for your Love Addiction.

 

Listen man, this sympathy that you're feeling toward the OW is counter to your goal. You just can't indulge it. Sympathy is a powerful tool which allows emotional inroads from one person to another both during and after conflict. It's the best tool in your arsenal when used in marital recovery because it erodes built-up resentments. But... it's a luxury you just can't afford when it comes to the OW. You've got to SEE this girl for what she was and NOT what you made her out to be. And frankly, she just wasn't all that nice. Hindsight's 20/20 man; it's time to start applying some.

 

Yeah, you feel guilty.

You feel guilty about betraying your wife's trust and you feel guilty for leading the OW down the garden path. But, believe it or not, you're gonna come to a point where you can forgive yourself. And therapy is going to help you get there sooner. It takes time.

 

(And btw... as far as OW is concerned, it seems fairly obvious to me that you two were taking turns leading "down the garden path". Judging by her use of the full repertoire of 'man-handling' techniques... it's kind of tough to see her as strictly a victim here. )

 

For now though, in dealing with this guilt... you've got to grab your mansack, buck up, and live with your choices. Lately, you seem to have been making some good ones... so give yourself a little bit of credit. Taking responsibility of your choices means you get to recognize the good ones along with the bad.

 

Remember... beware the agenda of your "stinkin' thinker". You can't trust that guy just now. ...So, learn to recognize his voice when you hear it.

[Trialbyfire]

you've got to grab your mansack, buck up, and live with your choices.

The OW has your pair and has left you as a neuter. Take them back and be the man you can be.

[Curmudgeon]

It would be easy work if you loved and valued your wife and your marriage.

 

Perhaps your reluctance says it all.

 

My condolences to your wife!

[abeliever]

Remember your suppose to listen to your gut????? (I'm listening to mine)

 

 

I just don't feel Matt gets it. I am not trying to be mean. Just a very very strong feeling from him. I think it WILL take him losing everything and going to OW only to learn that she ISN'T what he thought.

 

I do feel bad for his W because he still has this intense feelings STILL for OW and poor W if reeling with her own pain and Matt is just too worried about OW??? I don't get it??? Why go back to W?

 

So why not just go on don't let obligation keep you with W she will eventually be fine and will be free to find a real MAN who loves and RESPECTS her. Instead of watching out for himself.

 

IMO

Sorry Matt you just don't seem to get it to me. I am hoping I am wrong.

abeliever

[LifesontheUp]

I'm trying, and haven't broken NC, but it's hard work

 

So have you done what your wife originally wanted you to do Matty? Thats change jobs.

 

I agree with others that you still don't get it. So prove to your wife that she means the world to you Matty and you are serious about putting this right. Get out of that job.

[mattym]

I do appreciate all the advice, and I am trying my best - it's only been 2 weeks since the end and I've been to see the counsellor, booked myself to get checked for STDs, gone Nc and am trying 110% at home to make my W happy - to start going on job interviews now also would be a little much TBH - I havent seen OW since it ended as she's in another dept so it's not as intense as it could be I guess, although point taken...

 

I can understand wh some people think my hearts not into my family- it is, its just that I feel such a profound loss at the same time. Whatever the rights & wrongs, i formed a bond with someone who is now gone, and I guess that takes time to get used to. Hopefully my good intentions to be good husband and father and try my very best for my family will see me through this bad time

[Trialbyfire]

its just that I feel such a profound loss at the same time. Whatever the rights & wrongs, i formed a bond with someone who is now gone, and I guess that takes time to get used to. Hopefully my good intentions to be good husband and father and try my very best for my family will see me through this bad time

You're romanticizing this. It's a way to continue with your addiction.

 

There's nothing romantic about an affair. There's nothing romantic about a man who chose to desert his family by swivving something on the side. There's nothing romantic about a woman who's predatory enough to want to control a man who should be committed elsewhere. There's nothing romantic about being selfish.

 

Until you see it for what it is, you'll always be fighting yourself and your fantasy.

[JamesM]

I havent seen OW since it ended as she's in another dept so it's not as intense as it could be I guess, although point taken...

 

I can understand wh some people think my hearts not into my family- it is, its just that I feel such a profound loss at the same time. Whatever the rights & wrongs, i formed a bond with someone who is now gone, and I guess that takes time to get used to. Hopefully my good intentions to be good husband and father and try my very best for my family will see me through this bad time

 

Be careful with the OW. If she wants you back, then she will be in your area at just the right times with just the right clothes and smile. Trust me....just before I met my wife I had an "addiction" (my name for it) for a girl who I broke it off with THREE times. She lived with a guy. I worked with her, and that made it almost impossible to break it off. So, even though the OW is in a different department, it is quite easy for her or you to "accidentally" run into each other. When the times are not easy at home, the memory of the OW's kisses and touch will be very difficult to forget.

 

People are hard on you here. And sometimes I don't think it is necessary, but you have gone back and forth between the OW and your wife. I am willing to guess that the comments here have helped keep you from completely losing your wife...so far. The critical ones have probably helped you realize how this affair could have (and may still) ruined your life.

 

Good intentions are great, but they won't save your marriage. Only action and commitment will keep you in your marriage.

[cj1988]

Hello Matt, I am glad to see that you are doing so well. You know I am a recent BS, so I somewhat understand what you are saying. But I can tell you it will take longer than 2 weeks to get past this......my H and I are getting by, but he was tore up about her/me whatever for months ! I would say a good 8 months. He is still not the same, but not as cold as he was.....for some reason SEX which was very important to him for years is now NOT so important.....I am not getting that yet, maybe you can explain.

 

His biggest grip was that I was not intimate enough, he felt rejected for years, atleast that what we faught about "LACK OF SEX" Now, I want it more than him and he is not so interested. We do have sex, but I am the aggressor now and he is NOT.....maybe it is because he is OK with US now in a mature way or maybe he is just not as attratced to me after the OW?

 

I know it hurts me badly, but I will NOT let him know !

[bestadvisor]

Matt, you can keep NC for two weeks, can you do it for two months? what about two years? Your wife wanted you to change job. You need to change your job, because like you said, you will be running back to her arms, if OW calls you. You got no self control; you have to change your job the change cell as soon as possible.

[mattym]

Nope. These guys are right. That's just your stinkin' thinker trying to set you up with a "fix" for your Love Addiction.

 

Listen man, this sympathy that you're feeling toward the OW is counter to your goal. You just can't indulge it. Sympathy is a powerful tool which allows emotional inroads from one person to another both during and after conflict. It's the best tool in your arsenal when used in marital recovery because it erodes built-up resentments. But... it's a luxury you just can't afford when it comes to the OW. You've got to SEE this girl for what she was and NOT what you made her out to be. And frankly, she just wasn't all that nice. Hindsight's 20/20 man; it's time to start applying some.

 

Yeah, you feel guilty.

You feel guilty about betraying your wife's trust and you feel guilty for leading the OW down the garden path. But, believe it or not, you're gonna come to a point where you can forgive yourself. And therapy is going to help you get there sooner. It takes time.

 

(And btw... as far as OW is concerned, it seems fairly obvious to me that you two were taking turns leading "down the garden path". Judging by her use of the full repertoire of 'man-handling' techniques... it's kind of tough to see her as strictly a victim here. )

 

For now though, in dealing with this guilt... you've got to grab your mansack, buck up, and live with your choices. Lately, you seem to have been making some good ones... so give yourself a little bit of credit. Taking responsibility of your choices means you get to recognize the good ones along with the bad.

 

Remember... beware the agenda of your "stinkin' thinker". You can't trust that guy just now. ...So, learn to recognize his voice when you hear it.

 

Was at home by myself this morning, and of course, being alone with my thoughts led me to think about all this - and then I came onto LS and read this post, which gave me renewed strength. Thank you LJ14

 

While I'm on the subject, thank you to all the people here who've helped me ( too many to name) - I hope my experience can be a help to someone else sometime so they never feel or I experience what I am

 

Matt

[cj1988]

Go MATT, Go MATT ! I hope to finally see on this website VERY soon that you are SO VERY HAPPY and all this is behind you......I do feel bad for you because you sound like a nice guy that made a BAD choice and is now suffering for that, unfortunately that comes with the territory Just keep your path and do what my therpist told me.....he said to look at my H everyday and try and remember all the things that I love or loved about him in the beginning when it was all innocent. He said this is a healthy and safe way to rekindle and rebuild those feelings for your W that are real and from the heart, you can never go wrong there !

 

As for as the OW, trust me I have a girlfriend like that, she will just fine. Sorry, but you are just another memory for her....she will move on real quickly and probably with another MM. They like MM because most of the time the OW if treated like a queen, they get all the good and the W gets all the leftovers. Sad but true and I think you know that....they know that they are on your mind and not your W, that makes them have all the power, BUT ONLY because YOU gave her that power. You made her the goddess of your dreams, what she wanted. These types of women will never marry, why should they? They have freedom and the MM craving them.....but it is NOT love and not real.

 

After you have been married to someone for years, any NEW person would feel good.....it is bright and shiny and smells good, like new car.....but after a year, the new smell is gone and it is not fun anymore, it is just a car.....you know what I mean.

 

I had a friend tell me that the OW is like a NEW CORVETTE and the W is like that old 65 Ford truck in the garage you love as well .....when you first get it, you clean love it drive it everyday and it makes you feel good when you drive it.....but after the newness wears off, you go back into the garage where you first and true love has been denied and waiting....you always go back to your true love, the one you will never sell or get rid of !

[mattym]

Thanks CJ

 

I think you could be right about the OW

 

Not sure if i relayed the story here, but she arranged two nights out that ended up with me being in the same room as her and her then-BF

 

She told me there was nothing between them, yet he hd his arn around her etc - then she'd vanish off to the toilet and text me saying ' Please don't go home yet- I need to be near you' etc

 

Still hurts though..I allowed myself to get attached to her...

[cj1988]

Matt, she played you BIG TIME. you were her puppet.....think about that for a minute sweetie ! That should PISS you off big time. My girlfriend does the same thing. When her MM would want to call it off, she would end up where he was and make sure she made him so jealous JUST to get him back and then she would LAUGH about it to me....it is all a game .....trust me she will do it again to someone else if not already.....i called my girlfriend this morning and she said for me to tell you she is sorry for your hurt and pain, but you were played.....it was all about her and what she wanted. IF you would have left your wife, she would have ran like the wind or cheated on you with another MM......

[cj1988]

Matt, do me a favor and read my reply to my thread "MEN who have cheated....also if you want to talk in private I can get more info from my friend, she has no reason to lie about WHY she likes MM and what she does to them !

[Triarge]

I love CJ's analogy with regards to the cars. I have a similar of my own with motorcyles here goes...

 

I have a nice bike that I bought just under 2 yrs ago. (SV650 for anyone interested). Its plenty powerfull, comfortable, great around town, looks great. I spent 4 full days on her in Scotland last summer and loved every bit of it. However, after a year of having it I was looking around to upgrade and concidering, newer, faster sportsbikes as an upgrade.

 

Anyway, I took my bike in for a service a few months ago and they gave me a brand new sports bike on loan for the day (CBR 600RR). Well! Wham! I was blown away. It looked sexy, it was faster than mine and I was screaming with laughter in my helmet for 2 hours it was so much fun!

 

I put a full tank of petrol in it so I could get the most out of it that day. You know what? By 5pm that day I was fed up and wanted my old bike back. It was uncomfortable. Hot. You had to work it around town or it was boring. It also burnt through petrol like nothing on earth.

 

Since that day I'm keeping my 'high mileage' bike for a while. Looks like those sports bikes are good for a few hours but not the long haul.

[cj1988]

LOL, I know what you mean.....as my H said " Big boobs are fun to visit, but he does not want to live there" Life is all about being WHO you are and if you find that someone you can be yourself with, that is the BOMB ! Better than a new DIAMOND ring or NEW CORVETTE, or MOTOR cycle anyday !

[mattym]

LOl, strange how this chat has turned to bikes since that's what my wife refers to the OW as

 

For those not in the UK, it's a term of endearment from one woman to another

 

Thanks Cj for the insights- maybe she was playing me. That was early in our R, and she said ' i didn't engineer him being there. At least you could see he was as unattentive as i said' I mentioned he had his arm around her to which she said ' that doesn't mean anything'

 

As time went on, she would tell me that meeting me she had met 'the one' and that she had no interest in the BF - i said, quite reasonably I thought.. ' well then, you're not like me, you have no commitments, finish with him' - she said ' I find it so hard, i dont like to hurt peoples feelings, thats why I've always been the one to get dumped. Everyone who's ever been with me has finished it with me'

 

Tell me, would a woman sleep ( not have sex even) , but sleep every weekend with a BF, call him to 'see what we're doing this weekend' and ask him to go on holiday with her ( all the while she's seeing me) if she felt NOTHING for him?

 

My W is of the opinion she was probably having sex with both of us. She swore to me that nothing was going on in that dept but I guess I was being naieve.

 

I asked OW what she'd do if BF initaited something in bed - only natural after all. She said ' I guess I'd do what i did with an ex who I didnt care about anymore. I'd go through with it so I didnt hurt his feelings, then lie there afterwards with tears in my eyes' - my W rolled her eyes at this and said ' Jesus, what a drama queen'

 

Rather embarrasingly today i got myself checked for STDs, to hopefully reassure my wife ( and myself) - if all that comes back ok at least thats another hurdle gone

[cj1988]

No, I do not know anyone that has a BF of the opposite sex that hangs out that much etc, that has not lead to sex......look at my H and his new sister....they started off just talking all the time, look what happened to them and they could have been BF's easily with no pressure, because they are blood. Good example of how 2 poeple of the opposite sex cannot be that close and something NOT happen......

 

It sounds to me like you really do feel sorry for the OW, but more for yourself. Why not think of how LUCKY you are to have another chance with your W? I know at the time that may be hard, but you will see one day just that, HOW LUCKY you really are and thank GOD she you have your W and that she stayed because of how much she loves you.

 

Trust me, I am not bragging again ( I can send you a pic to prove) I would have no problem with men if I were single, I would probably have a ball.....BUT, I chose my H a long time ago and I love him, so I am hoping one day like you, he is THANKFUL for what he has and not for what he does not have......I am giving him 3 months to get straight and I am gone ! Atleast you were man enough to own up to it, you should feel good about that....also remember any OW or OM are NOT good people down deep, they are ruining peoples lives and do not care....how can that be good !

[mattym]

Thanks. Looks like I now have PM access, so sent you a PM

 

thanks again, Matt

[cj1988]

Ok, I will check now....hang tight ! Did you read my LONG response (SORRY) to my thread "MEN WHO HAVE CHEATED..... you will find out more about me as well, so you see bith sides !

[whichwayisup]

You did the right thing, mind wandered off and you came here to LS! ThankGOD for LJ, she's the best!

This is what you have to continue to do, thoughts drift towards the OW, stop yourself, snap out of it and post here. Last thing you need to deal with is slipping and contacting her, breaking NC. Be tough on yourself, make yourself accountable here, keep on telling yourself that the OW doesn't count anymore, she's NOT a part of your life in any way. She's poison, bad for your health (aka marriage)!

 

Let us know how the STD results, I really hope it's clean results.