My Wife found out about me

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I think a lot of these women would be completely mortified to find out how many men are just like that.

 

On the contrary, I'm not surprised at all. I know men like that and I know what they're like when they're together.

 

However, dont you think that this would be equally hurtful to BWs knowing their husbands passed their marriage up for a BJ?

[imstunned]

I think a lot of these women would be completely mortified to find out how many men are just like that.

 

Not me - sadly I at the moment think they are ALL like that!! I hope I'm wrong.

[mattym]

It wasn't you're selfishness that came to my attention, Matt. It was the timing of your relationship. What was it? 3 months? In my mind, it was a sexual ego-fuelled holiday from what sounded like a mundane marriage due to your W having lots on with your children.

 

I have no doubt that MM act selfishly. But so do I, Matt so I'm not going to say anything about that. My love for my MM comes above anything. My future with him is paramount. Its what I want, he is everything I want in a man (cue bashers to say WHat? You want a cheater??) No, I want my lovely man with his flaws, his fears. My MM did it differently to you and separated after a year of our R for 9 months. He filed for D, sold his house and during the move returned to his M after feeling terribly guilty for his children, grieving for what once was.

 

I'm glad he did because trying to reconcile showed him why he didn't want to be there in the first place and it wasn't about having an affair. He just outgrew his W after marrying very young. It happens. He's separated again and I have no doubt he loves her and their history together. It just didn't work anymore.

 

I see the pain on his face when he has to leave his children, when he gets so much thrown at him because his marriage no longer worked. So thats why I disagree with you describing all MM under "We".

 

If someone was to ask me about affairs, of course I would tell them about the terrible pain involved in all parties and discourage them from getting involved. Just like I told you on your first thread. As I say, every situation is different and generalisations dont help anyone.

 

I get the feeling you're on the defensive. As I said, it's just my opinion

 

I don't know your guy, but I know for sure that my continued contact with the oW did nothing to help my marriage - maybe you being around when he was trying to reconcile did the same

 

If you check my old thread I also once asked should I tell OW it's for 'the kids' to soften the blow? I'm sure your MM is a far better person than I, but I certainly foudn that once I'd started lying to my W and OW it just got easier

 

Hope things work out for you anyway, I didn't mean to upset anyone with my observations

[BurriedAlive]

Matty,

 

I really can't thank you enough to have had the courage to start this thread. It takes a lot of guts to admit to the things you have said. Everything you have said is what I have suspected my xMM of doing however he would never have the balls to admit to these things.

 

A couple of questions though:

 

1. Even if you weren't ready to leave your wife, did you love your OW anyway?

 

2. Would you cheat again if you knew you had a 100% guarantee that you wouldn't be caught?

 

3. Do you tell lies about your OW to make your W feel better or paint yourself in a way that puts the blame of the affair on your OW?

 

I am so excited to be able to ask you these questions because I know I would never in a million years get honest answers from my xMM.

 

Thanks!

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Not me - sadly I at the moment think they are ALL like that!! I hope I'm wrong.

 

I can see why you would feel like that at the moment imstunned, but don't tar them all with the same brush. Some are lovely decent fabulous human beings. Some aren't. And some are split down the middle. Just like women.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I get the feeling you're on the defensive. As I said, it's just my opinion

 

I don't know your guy, but I know for sure that my continued contact with the oW did nothing to help my marriage - maybe you being around when he was trying to reconcile did the same

 

If you check my old thread I also once asked should I tell OW it's for 'the kids' to soften the blow? I'm sure your MM is a far better person than I, but I certainly foudn that once I'd started lying to my W and OW it just got easier

 

Hope things work out for you anyway, I didn't mean to upset anyone with my observations

 

No Matt, not on the defensive, just trying to get across the point that all situations are different.

[complicatedlife]

I don't usually post in here, but LS has really helped me in my situation, so I thought this may help any OW out there, who may be wondering when everything's going to 'come right' and you & MM will be together

 

Feel free to ignore what I have to say, it is only my opinion after all..

 

I am now a 'recovering' cheating MM. I cheated on my wife for the best part of this year with another woman

 

I told her I loved her. I genuinely believe she was in love with me

 

I told her I was unhappy with my Wife and it was children/finances/workload/family pressures prevented me from leaving 'just yet'

(not so unhappy that I couldn't make love to OW any chance I got, and spend money on her of course)

 

She talked about us getting married, having kids, our own home, everyone knowing , all of it being out in the open

 

I went along with all of it, and I was LYING throughout

 

I've worked with guys over the years who've cheated ( some habitually) and in my experience we all LIE all the time to OW to get we want - namely sex, being made to feel great, ego strokes and generally feeling 'young & single' again. I've known a couple who DID leave for the OW - they cheated on them too. It makes us feel any woman desires us you see...

 

I've posted elsewhere tonight saying that if you are an OW and any of that sounds familiar then just take care of yourselves. It isn't nice but your man COULD be using you for what he can get

 

I don't say this to be cruel, but we are getting comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I don't mean to upset anyone but when he tells you that you are his soulmate, just check who he's spending Christmas with.

I lied till i could not remember what I'd said anymore, and I hurt 2 people who cared about me for my own selfish ends.

I am not proud of how I behaved, and I am paying the price now, but Perhaps reading this if you are an OW you can avoid being the victim of this from a man such as me

 

regards

 

Matt

 

I'm happy for you that you discovered what you really want and are doing what it takes to have just that. However, if I were your wife, in the back of my mind, I would wonder why you were bad-mouthing someone who you cared about - hear me out: my thought process would be, "I hate that he cheated on me - but to cheat just for SEX as opposed to him really having genuine feelings"....I am not justifying a reason for cheating, however, I am saying that risking a marriage over something physical as opposed to risking it over true and genuine feelings would break anyone's heart, but also appeal to their compassion and maybe even make it easier to forgive. Just something to think about - but, that's how I would think.

 

Thanks for posting this - it actually makes me feel better about my MM and confirms that even in his ambivalence and selfishness, there is truly something besides sex that binds us. I think I may implement your 4 week suggestion....

[mattym]

Matty,

 

I really can't thank you enough to have had the courage to start this thread. It takes a lot of guts to admit to the things you have said. Everything you have said is what I have suspected my xMM of doing however he would never have the balls to admit to these things.

 

A couple of questions though:

 

1. Even if you weren't ready to leave your wife, did you love your OW anyway?

 

2. Would you cheat again if you knew you had a 100% guarantee that you wouldn't be caught?

 

3. Do you tell lies about your OW to make your W feel better or paint yourself in a way that puts the blame of the affair on your OW?

 

I am so excited to be able to ask you these questions because I know I would never in a million years get honest answers from my xMM.

 

Thanks!

 

Hi, boy - I am going to be crucified by some guys somewhere now for splitting on the boys team! LOL

 

I hope my experience is of use somewhere- at least that was some good may have come from a sad situation.

 

To answer your questions as honestly as i can...

 

1. Yes, I think I did/do love my OW. Some very kind people here on LS have told me I did not, but it feels like love is the best I can describe it. I'm hurt about losing her, but know its the right thing. You can love 2 people at once, just differently

 

2. How I would LOVE to give a great impression of myself here and say categorically 'NO' - its only weeks since things ended and I feel hurt by it all still. I have no 'desire' to ever do that again, but if OW called me...crying? I wish i could say No , but its like giving up any drug i suppose...takes time

 

3. Yes on both counts. No woman wants to hear that the OW was slimmer/prettier/more fun. What good would come of that?

 

To my mind, an A is built on deception, so any talk of it afterwards comes from the same place

 

hope that helps. Feel free to Pm me if I can help...

 

Matt

[nadiaj2727]

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

That is really good advice Matt. I think if OWs leave MMs alone for awhile, they will see his true colors. They just get too caught up swooning over him to be able to do that. It's a form of denial/ dillusion. If any OWs here who are asking questions like "Is he a good one?" "Is he stringing me along?" "Will he really get divorced?" "How long will I have to wait"... the answers to their questions would be found out by telling him adios until divorce papers are presented.

 

That is by far the best advice I ever received on this forum (I'm a former OW who broke up with xMM) but it seems that other OWs asking the same questions I was, feeling the same bad/ guilty/ confused/ depressed feelings I used to, don't want to step away from the affair to gain perspective, even momentarily. I don't see how it could hurt? It would really tell OW if MM loves them, by stepping back and watching what MM DOES to be with them instead of hanging around and listening to all the lies/ deceptions he's telling them (and often himself) in order to keep the affair going.

 

Thank you Matt for sharing your perspective as xMM, I appreciate it.

[mattym]

I'm happy for you that you discovered what you really want and are doing what it takes to have just that. However, if I were your wife, in the back of my mind, I would wonder why you were bad-mouthing someone who you cared about - hear me out: my thought process would be, "I hate that he cheated on me - but to cheat just for SEX as opposed to him really having genuine feelings"....I am not justifying a reason for cheating, however, I am saying that risking a marriage over something physical as opposed to risking it over true and genuine feelings would break anyone's heart, but also appeal to their compassion and maybe even make it easier to forgive. Just something to think about - but, that's how I would think.

 

Thanks for posting this - it actually makes me feel better about my MM and confirms that even in his ambivalence and selfishness, there is truly something besides sex that binds us. I think I may implement your 4 week suggestion....

 

This is where I think the sexes differ - you say why cheat JUST for sex. For some of us, that's ALL that matters. It's the male pysche...risk and spreading our seed

 

Ask any man, there are women we'd have sex with...and women we want to settle with

 

I care about the OW, but I know my w when i met her would never have entertained going with a MM. In a man's mind, that makes her a better long-term bet

 

Hope I don't sound heartless, just trying to be honest

[reboot]

However, dont you think that this would be equally hurtful to BWs knowing their husbands passed their marriage up for a BJ?

Absolutely. I'm not siding against OW, just agreeing with how shallow some men are.

[mattym]

That is really good advice Matt. I think if OWs leave MMs alone for awhile, they will see his true colors. They just get too caught up swooning over him to be able to do that. It's a form of denial/ dillusion. If any OWs here who are asking questions like "Is he a good one?" "Is he stringing me along?" "Will he really get divorced?" "How long will I have to wait"... the answers to their questions would be found out by telling him adios until divorce papers are presented.

 

That is by far the best advice I ever received on this forum (I'm a former OW who broke up with xMM) but it seems that other OWs asking the same questions I was, feeling the same bad/ guilty/ confused/ depressed feelings I used to, don't want to step away from the affair to gain perspective, even momentarily. I don't see how it could hurt? It would really tell OW if MM loves them, by stepping back and watching what MM DOES to be with them instead of hanging around and listening to all the lies/ deceptions he's telling them (and often himself) in order to keep the affair going.

 

Thank you Matt for sharing your perspective as xMM, I appreciate it.

 

I agree 100% with what you say

 

Even now, I know I could have OW back.

 

All I have to do is leave my W and then tell her 'we can be together now'

 

I won't do it, because despite the pain of losing OW, my W & family are always No.1

 

I think some OW like W finding out, because MM comes to them...but from my limited experience I guess thats because he has nowhere to go now and cant lose face

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Absolutely. I'm not siding against OW, just agreeing with how shallow some men are.

 

Sorry reboot, I took it as OW

[mattym]

That is really good advice Matt. I think if OWs leave MMs alone for awhile, they will see his true colors. They just get too caught up swooning over him to be able to do that. It's a form of denial/ dillusion. .

 

This reminds me, I worked with a guy a few years back who had TWO OW on the go. Everbody knew it, and one of the OW worked with us so she must have known it was going nowhere

 

People would say 'why does she put up with his crap?' and someone else said ' because she wants to believe it'

 

Guess that's an example of what you're saying

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I agree 100% with what you say

 

Even now, I know I could have OW back.

 

All I have to do is leave my W and then tell her 'we can be together now'

 

I won't do it, because despite the pain of losing OW, my W & family are always No.1

 

I think some OW like W finding out, because MM comes to them...but from my limited experience I guess thats because he has nowhere to go now and cant lose face

 

Its good that you're using "some OW" and "some MM" now Matty.

 

I do like your honesty, you sound like a stand-up guy on the whole and its refreshing to hear a perspective from a MM. But some OW will look to you for answers as they have not received closure - fair enough IMO - but its important that your story is not theirs, just as BW will look at this thread.

 

How do you feel about the future of your M now? I know you're in counselling. Do you think that will affair-proof your relationship if you can find the answers as to why you needed an ego-boost?

[complicatedlife]

I agree 100% with what you say

 

I think some OW like W finding out, because MM comes to them...but from my limited experience I guess thats because he has nowhere to go now and cant lose face

 

When we were dating exclusively, after he moved out, he was on his way to meet her to tell her about me and I called him on his cell and told him not to do it because I knew it could affect his custody and his kids are everything to him. We had a huge fight on the phone because he wanted to "be honest with everyone about everything" - I started crying (that always gets him) and he came back. I couldn't let him risk his children over "us" - we didn't even know if "we" could really work as a couple yet. I'm pretty sure there are other OW's who would NOT want the W to find out, maybe not for the same reason, but for a variety of other reasons.

[mattym]

Its good that you're using "some OW" and "some MM" now Matty.

 

I do like your honesty, you sound like a stand-up guy on the whole and its refreshing to hear a perspective from a MM. But some OW will look to you for answers as they have not received closure - fair enough IMO - but its important that your story is not theirs, just as BW will look at this thread.

 

How do you feel about the future of your M now? I know you're in counselling. Do you think that will affair-proof your relationship if you can find the answers as to why you needed an ego-boost?

 

I hope the counselling will close those gaps in me, I really do. One thing I have learnt from all this is what a thoroughly decent person I married & I brought someone else into that marriage & hurt her. She didn't deserve that & I now expect to spend the next few years paying for that. I'm lucky. She gave me another chance

 

The only reason i posted on this board is that I keep reading old threads from OW who seem to behave like the guy's wife-in-waiting. I want to shout ' wake up FFS!' - I don't mean to sound cruel but, as with me, if the guy wanted to leave, he'd leave. None of us are kids.

 

I strung the OW along and I see it going on here so thought it might help to offer the mans POV. I'm a Father and would hate my daughter to meet a guy like me one day!

[Mittens]

I am in the position of being a MW who had an A with a man who wasn't married, but lived with his GF.

 

His always said that his GF was 'nice' but she wouldn't give him blowjobs...so no doubt that's where I came in.

 

I too got the 'I love you, want to be with you, want to have kids with you etc'

 

And at the end I got the 'I've treated 2 people like **** etc'

 

He was the idiot that got drunk one night and told his GF...and then tried to keep things going between us for another 6 months.

 

Nice to know that he is now probably slagging me off to her.

 

Of course, I made him trip, and his dick somehow ended up in me...for nearly a year...the poor baby

[mattym]

I am in the position of being a MW who had an A with a man who wasn't married, but lived with his GF.

 

His always said that his GF was 'nice' but she wouldn't give him blowjobs...so no doubt that's where I came in.

 

I too got the 'I love you, want to be with you, want to have kids with you etc'

 

And at the end I got the 'I've treated 2 people like **** etc'

 

He was the idiot that got drunk one night and told his GF...and then tried to keep things going between us for another 6 months.

 

Nice to know that he is now probably slagging me off to her.

 

Of course, I made him trip, and his dick somehow ended up in me...for nearly a year...the poor baby

 

I hope my comments have not made you feel cheap, that wasn't my intention.

With me, I bad-mouthed the OW because it limited the damage. I think a woman will rather think her MM didn't really like the OW than he fell for her. Also the Wife I think would rather believe her H was preyed upon by this femme fatale - allows her to be angry at a stranger rather than a man she loves

 

All in all, it just shows what a horrible nasty mess affairs are for all concerned i suppose...

[White Flower]

I think a lot of these women would be completely mortified to find out how many men are just like that.

I came to LS to look for truths just like these. I wanted someone to shake me and really look hard at my situation. And I was very disappointed to find almost zero MM posting. I appreciate Matty sharing HIS POV. I think his personality fits closely to my MM's because he is so addicted yet is obviously into his M otherwise. I don't think he laughs at the bars with other men, but if it were more socially acceptable in his circle, he probably would. He is the life of the party...

 

So, don't beat yourself up, Matty. Keep on posting!

 

One question, Matty. I was told that MM don't usually post here because they do not need support; they are getting it from their OW. You may have been a little different because you were struggling with what you were doing to your wife, I'm guessing? If not, what makes you different from most MM?

[mattym]

I came to LS to look for truths just like these. I wanted someone to shake me and really look hard at my situation. And I was very disappointed to find almost zero MM posting. I appreciate Matty sharing HIS POV. I think his personality fits closely to my MM's because he is so addicted yet is obviously into his M otherwise. I don't think he laughs at the bars with other men, but if it were more socially acceptable in his circle, he probably would. He is the life of the party...

 

So, don't beat yourself up, Matty. Keep on posting!

 

One question, Matty. I was told that MM don't usually post here because they do not need support; they are getting it from their OW. You may have been a little different because you were struggling with what you were doing to your wife, I'm guessing? If not, what makes you different from most MM?

 

Hi Whiteflower - you're being kinder to me than I deserve in all honesty

 

I wasn't posting here when I was in the full-flow of the A. Why would I? I was having it all and life was great. It was only when things came off the rails & I wanted to know if I was the only one in the world who'd gone through this, why Id' done it and how I dig myself out if it that I landed here

 

I guess there are various reasons why more MM do not post here. Firstly there are BWs here ready to 'do a bobbit ' on us, men also are notorious for not expressing themselves, and I guess there are others, as I've witnessed that just don't care about the OW enough to dwell on it, they'd rather move to the next one

 

Friends of mine, trying to be helpful have even said ( and I'm not kidding here, these are adult men in professional jobs) ' Come on, cheer up - you had your fun. You haven't lost anything. What the hell did you admit to stuff for?'

 

If you're an OW, all I'm saying is that if the guy is getting what he wants, without having to change anything at home then why would he go through that upheaval? Leave home and be with you? Why would he?

[sarme]

I appreciate your honesty Mattym but not all men are like you or think like you. For starers you always had doubts about your OW you had a 3 month relationship with her, and by the sounds of it it was heavily based on sex.I doubt you can even love someone in such a short period of time and without knowing them not sure that excactly you love about her? but you know best.

 

Not all situations are like what you described and telling all women that all men think like this seems like a huge generalization which you are entitled to but again, you are speaking from your own experience.

 

My guy left his wife, divorced and we are together we have been for quite some time now, that's not to say there were no hardships, there were many but our relationship was based on love like a lot of the relationships that are described here not sex.

 

My b/f and I fell in love before sex even happened. The sex was just the icing on the cake but when push came to shove he delivered what he promised though maybe not in the timely fashion I would have like at the time but he did what he had to and he came to his own conclusions. If he did mislead me at any point it was because he was new to this type of situation and simply did not know how to handle it not because he was a pathological liar. We have very open communication and ensure to keep each other in the loop at all time. Something we benfitted from greatly after months of therapy on how to handle our relationship.

 

I can share a lot of facts about my situation but at the end of the day they are so personal to my situation it's silly to think other people could apply my experience to their own.

 

Some men were not in the right relationship and were not looking for sex, they were looking for love something they just did not have at home. Now my b/f has that and we take every step possible to nurture what we have because neither one of us ever want to commit the same mistakes again.

We have both learned a valuable lesson and we never want to suffer pain like that again.

 

I am not of the idea that once a cheater always a cheater, and in fact your wife as much as she married a non-cheater she ended up with a cheater, so where did that get her? And if you so blatantly believe that what's to say you won't cheat on her again?

 

In relationships you have to work hard to make things work but you both have to want the same thing, when a person stops wanting something they will not apply themselves as they should and that's the key to any success in life.

 

I am sad that you would post your experience as a "this is what all men are like" because that has not been my experience. I have living proof of that but again my situation does not speak for all.

 

When my b/f needed his space to sort things out it was exactly what he did, his actions spoke for his words despite how wrong the conditons were that we met under.

[child_of_isis]

BS becomes very aware that sex is more important to H than she is.

 

"I hate that he cheated on me - but to cheat just for SEX as opposed to him really having genuine feelings"....I am not justifying a reason for cheating, however, I am saying that risking a marriage over something physical as opposed to risking it over true and genuine feelings would break anyone's heart, but also appeal to their compassion and maybe even make it easier to forgive. Just something to think about - but, that's how I would think.

 

[Mittens]

Also the Wife I think would rather believe her H was preyed upon by this femme fatale - allows her to be angry at a stranger rather than a man she loves

 

 

 

Yeah, god forbid the wife blames who is really responsible

 

Funnily enough, my husband blames me, totally...maybe I should start blaming the other guy?

[mattym]

I am sad that you would post your experience as a "this is what all men are like" because that has not been my experience. I have living proof of that but again my situation does not speak for all.

 

 

Sure. You're right of course, it is just my opinion, and my story. I can only speak from my perspective, and apologies for generalizing so much

 

Glad things worked out for you both

 

Matt