My Wife found out about me

[Triarge]

Triarge, would you have strayed even if your companionship needs WERE being met by your W?

 

Its guess thats a possibity if I had 'also' allowed the OW to meet those needs in addition to the needs my W 'where' meeting. I'm a big fan of the 'love bank' philosophy. So irrespective of where my wife meets needs, if I also allow some OP to meet them then theres a danger of feelings and all the consequences that go with that developing. The thing is: at least now I know to look for the 'DANGER - CLIFF AHEAD' sign, where as before I didnt.

 

And do you think it is even POSSIBLE for a M couple to recreate that excited desire to spend time with each other laughing/talking/sharing, after so many years together and such familarity with each other?

 

Absolutely!!! How do I know? Because its all happening right now with my W. It does take work and it takes acceptance that its not a given. You have to work at it and the more you do the more it becomes natural.

 

There are many angry BS's on here - especially the ones who feel it is their place to administer the proverbial 2x4 in the OM/OW forum - who often claim that they were innocent victims of the infidelity, they never neglected their H's needs... but their H's strayed anyway.

 

I dont blame my W. I recall shrugging off affection on many occasions. I dont yet understand why I shrugged off the very thing I craved to have and found in the OW. But once I started to drop boundaries and walls and open to that love and affection: it flowed. It became second nature. BUT!! Occasionally I feel those walls returning. I dont know where that resistance comes from. I have to consiously drop my emotional barrier again and accept her in. I think that maybe like alot of men, those emotional feelings feel alien and make us feel vulnerable. We DO want them but some how resist giving them.

 

I get that a man's primary need is sex. What I'm not sure about is whether it is actually STRANGE sex that he really craves... meaning, sex from a new and unexplored source - no matter how skilled his W is in the bedroom.

 

Google the Coolidge effect. That explains exactly what you just said.

 

No matter how much your W tries, there is no way she could ever compete with that... because of the simple fact that the OW is unfamiliar to you. And that doesn't seem fair to me.

 

Its the other way round. The OW CANT COMPETE with real love if its there in the marriage. Thats why most men dont leave. There just isnt the right breeding ground for LOVE in an affair. Romance yes, inn abundane, but not the safe, secure, trusting love a devoted wife of many years provides: despite what needs she's failed to meet.

[Sammy75]

Thanks for posting Matty, although my story is slightly different, you've confirmed a few things for me.

 

I hope you will continue to post.

[whichwayisup]

Now I know that most affairs start through the man not receiving his primary need. In most cases that is and will be sex. It wasnt for me. I was getting that at home with my wife even when the A was at its peak. It was better in most cases too believe that or not - my wife is no slouch in the bedroom.

 

I am kind of curious, did you tell, or did your OW ask if you were having sex with your wife? Did you tell her 'yes' or did you not discuss it.

 

who often claim that they were innocent victims of the infidelity, they never neglected their H's needs... but their H's strayed anyway.

 

It isn't the BS's fault if their spouses strayed. It's the mis-communication that should have taken place before choosing to cheat. He chose to go off and seek attention from another women without telling his wife that his needs weren't being met. I'm sure if any BS knew how close her husband was to cheating, it would wake her up, as well as getting them both into counselling.

[child_of_isis]

Do you think you were afraid of the emotional connection with your W? That it would make you too vulnerable?

 

And instead opted for sex with the OW? Sex is 'safe'?

 

Maybe it is fear of emotional connection, more than lack of,(from W) that makes a MM decide to cheat.

 

 

What are your thoughts?

 

 

 

I dont blame my W. I recall shrugging off affection on many occasions. I dont yet understand why I shrugged off the very thing I craved to have and found in the OW. But once I started to drop boundaries and walls and open to that love and affection: it flowed. It became second nature. BUT!! Occasionally I feel those walls returning. I dont know where that resistance comes from. I have to consiously drop my emotional barrier again and accept her in. I think that maybe like alot of men, those emotional feelings feel alien and make us feel vulnerable. We DO want them but some how resist giving them.

 

 

 

.

[child_of_isis]

It sounds as if he would not allow W to meet his needs, due to feeling vulnerable.

 

He chose to go off and seek attention from another women without telling his wife that his needs weren't being met.

[frannie]

 

I think I did/do love my OW. You can love 2 people at once, just differently

 

... if OW called me...crying? I wish i could say No , but its like giving up any drug i suppose...takes time

 

No woman wants to hear that the OW was slimmer/prettier/more fun. What good would come of that?

 

So you're saying you loved her, if she called crying you'd probably see her again, and you lied to your W about how you feel about her.

 

Ask any man, there are women we'd have sex with...and women we want to settle with

 

Any man who thinks that way is more or less setting himself up for affairs.

 

 

Even now, I know I could have OW back.

 

All I have to do is leave my W and then tell her 'we can be together now'

 

Matt you still sound the same as when you started posting your thread months ago. I don't see anything 'over' about your situation at all, because mentally you haven't moved on.

 

I bad-mouthed the OW because it limited the damage... the Wife I think would rather believe her H was preyed upon by this femme fatale - allows her to be angry at a stranger rather than a man she loves..

 

Lying still...

 

... Its the same reason wayward men tell women we love them to get sex ( ever notice we say it a lot BEFORE the act, RIGHT AFTER the act, then again just as we're heading out the door?)

 

Its the same reason we think our boss is an idiot, but behave nicely toward them and laugh at their jokes.If i tell him what i think he might make an educated decision to fire me

 

A BS will convince herself that it was all the OWs fault, she led her poor man to his fate- like a mermaid sitting on the rocks. It makes a bitter pill easier to swallow I guess, and both sexes are guilty of it IMO

 

Well you certainly are guilty of it. I love the way you say that 'a BS will convince herself...', as if you, the WS have no input there into the continued deceit, which you've admitted to in several posts! Talk about evading responsibility.

[Virgo1982]

Hi Mittens

 

Do I miss the OW? Yes, very much. I became addicted to her, or maybe how she made me feel

 

I think badly of her on occasion, although that is interpersed with guilt from me. I lied, I manipulated and I exaggerated, but she knew going in that I was a MM

 

My W knows all about the OW and yes, I do bad-mouth her

 

You know, last week I was out having a drink with some guys - 2 of whom have had numerous affairs and are still married. To my knowledge they've just never been discovered

We were discussing another guy who's just left his wife to be with OW and it's all broken down. Now he's alone and living with his parents

 

I said ' you know his wife was a lovely girl ' - she was too, very kind, pretty and decent person

 

One of the other guys said ' Doesn't matter. When all's said and done, which one gave him the blow job every night?'

 

They all laughed - and I'm not saying ALL men are like that, but you may find that food for thought

 

I appreciate you sharing this. Men need to be more honest about these things. They try, but I wonder what would have happened if his W would have given him blow jobs every night. In your experience and the MM you know, do they love their wives and simply cheat because they don't get the affection they crave? If it's that simple, why don't more women try harder before they end up in despair?

 

For these marriages, that one or both partners are unappeciative and/or lazy toward the other partner. In comes the third party. Then, both partners want to "throw darts at the OW's picture" (as posted on another thread) but in marriages like this, it seems the OW serves as a wake up call for them to get their butts in gear. After the affair, they realize they don't want to lose each other and that the OW means nothing. Like hell she doesn't.

 

I think she deserves a purple heart, lol. She helped you guys and she doesn't even get a thank you card. All you do is speak badly of her. Shame on you, Matt. You two could have worked on the M before the affair. Both of you should take responsibility for that because it's your M.

 

Now, if your OW is a douchebag, good for her. She made you realize how much you appreciate your W, but you shouldn't need another woman to compare to your wife. And if the OW was that bad, then she really wasn't a good candidate for comparison. Actually, no woman is. You would need to evaluate your W as an individual and if you compare her to anyone, it should be you. But that is another thread.

 

I'm no longer with the MM. I knew that if he cheated on her, he would cheat on me. Maybe that's why she gave up being the complete package for him. Maybe she realized that her best wouldn't be good enough for him because he was a cheater. Maybe she stopped giving her best to him before he cheated and then became pre-occupied with resentment after he cheated. I've read stories from many different men in the M forum. Cranium, Loki, etc. It's sad to me. Some of those men with sexless M would have wives in this forum on attack mode.

 

Again, a whole new thread...

[child_of_isis]

I am also wondering if this fear turns MM against the OW. Ow begins to want to delve further into the emotional aspect of the A.

 

MM wants it to stay about sex, because he fears emotional connection while sex is safe.

 

He can't emotionally attach to his wife, whom he loves, so how can he emotionally attach to OW?

 

This reminds me of a scared dog. They act ferocious, barking, growling, showing teeth, just to get the object of fear away from them.

 

 

 

 

I dont blame my W. I recall shrugging off affection on many occasions. I dont yet understand why I shrugged off the very thing I craved to have and found in the OW. But once I started to drop boundaries and walls and open to that love and affection: it flowed. It became second nature. BUT!! Occasionally I feel those walls returning. I dont know where that resistance comes from. I have to consiously drop my emotional barrier again and accept her in. I think that maybe like alot of men, those emotional feelings feel alien and make us feel vulnerable. We DO want them but some how resist giving them.

 

[whichwayisup]

do they love their wives and simply cheat because they don't get the affection they crave? If it's that simple, why don't more women try harder before they end up in despair?

 

Because chances are, those cheating spouses are NOT communicating this to their partner, so really, it isn't that simple if the soon to be BS is out of the loop.

[Impudent Oyster]

You're right I won't make it to the corner as a BS, I never ever want that life for me. I REFUSE to ever be a BS.

 

Oh I believe you, you actually have to be a S before there is any possibility of being a BS.

 

I don't think you're the marrying kind.

[reboot]

<never mind>

[Impudent Oyster]

Trust me they were not sleeping together at all. He would go back and they lived under the same house like roommates fighting constantly and living in seperate quarters. There was no sex even when I first met him there hadn't been sex for a long time prior to us meeting.

 

In that case your affair was VERY atypical. It sounds like a classic exit affair...this guy had one foot out the door when he met you.

[whichwayisup]

I REFUSE to ever be a BS.

 

You have no control over that. If you marry your MM and he cheats on you, you WILL be the betrayed spouse. Sure, you may dump his @ss out the door, but you'd still be a BS.

[Virgo1982]

Not me - sadly I at the moment think they are ALL like that!! I hope I'm wrong.

 

Woggle and Curm are definitely not like that. And no, the fact that many men think that way does not surprise me. It does surprise me that people seem to think what's not acceptable for an OW is acceptable for a BS. As one poster said, women who have never been involved in affairs (whatever difference that makes:rolleyes:) are dating, engaged to, married to these men who think like that. That's what OW mean when they say you cook and clean, but still have to deal with the pain. I think it's more to that though. It all balances out. They have the dog on a leash, so they take care of him. OW don't have him, so they don't take care of him. If OW became the W, they would have to take care of him. Then, they might see a different picture or they might live happily ever after...

[whichwayisup]

Then, they might see a different picture or they might live happily ever after...

The wife gets the good, the bad and the ugly, meanwhile the OW gets the good. That's not REAL LIFE. There's no inlaws, life's problems thrown into the mix, let alone kids, pets, house, money, job stress, dealing with other family etc... AND that is another reason why most MM and MW will not leave their spouses, fear of the unknown because the A is based on fantasy feelings, even if the love is there, it probably isn't enough to make the MM/MW end their marriage.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

Its the other way round. The OW CANT COMPETE with real love if its there in the marriage. Thats why most men dont leave. There just isnt the right breeding ground for LOVE in an affair. Romance yes, inn abundane, but not the safe, secure, trusting love a devoted wife of many years provides: despite what needs she's failed to meet.

 

And that's why nearly all affairs end with the MM trying to repair the marriage...Triage, where are you and your wife now in the relationship? Have you gotten counseling?

[Virgo1982]

Because chances are, those cheating spouses are NOT communicating this to their partner, so really, it isn't that simple if the soon to be BS is out of the loop.

 

I see what you're saying, but are people that blind or oblivious? Is any partner truly blind-sided or just in denial when living in a marriage that's deteriorating? I just think it's amazing how many people need an affair to wake them up.

[Virgo1982]

The wife gets the good, the bad and the ugly, meanwhile the OW gets the good. That's not REAL LIFE. There's no inlaws, life's problems thrown into the mix, let alone kids, pets, house, money, job stress, dealing with other family etc... AND that is another reason why most MM and MW will not leave their spouses, fear of the unknown because the A is based on fantasy feelings, even if the love is there, it probably isn't enough to make the MM/MW end their marriage.

 

You're right.

[sarme]

Oh I believe you, you actually have to be a S before there is any possibility of being a BS.

 

I don't think you're the marrying kind.

 

Well you are entitled to think what you want, but seeing as I would never marry someone of "your kind" I am quite happy for being the marrying type for the man I love.

[Impudent Oyster]

I see what you're saying, but are people that blind or oblivious? Is any partner truly blind-sided or just in denial when living in a marriage that's deteriorating? I just think it's amazing how many people need an affair to wake them up.

 

Yanno...marriage is not all about 2 people who spend all their time together screwing or talking about their feelings like affairs are, marriage is REAL LIFE, with kids, mortgages, jobs, pets, in-laws, bills, obligations, errands, friends, sporting events, lessons, tuitions, financial planning, family planning, vacation planning, home repairs, medical plans, dentist offices, orthodontists, ailing parents, lawn maintenance, car insurance, car maintentance, decorating decisions, meal planning...I could go on.

 

Do you really think married couples have all this time to dwell on the state of their relationship or what that look he gave you or that you haven't had sex in 5 days MEANS? They normally don't have time to think about it but yes, d-day is reason to give pause.

 

Have you ever been married, because I can't believe any married person thinks that two people with a family and all the other things going on in their lives have time to obsess over the state of their relationship all day.

 

Affair partners generally have one thing on their minds, none of that bothersome real life gets in the way.

[Impudent Oyster]

Well you are entitled to think what you want, but seeing as I would never marry someone of "your kind" I am quite happy for being the marrying type for the man I love, not some BS with questionable self esteem issues.

 

I have enough self-esteem and self-respect to have turned down all the dozens of married men who hit on me over the years.

 

I guess that's not so easy for some as it is for others.

[sarme]

Yanno...marriage is not all about 2 people who spend all their time together screwing or talking about their feelings like affairs are, marriage is REAL LIFE, with kids, mortgages, jobs, pets, in-laws, bills, obligations, errands, friends, sporting events, lessons, tuitions, financial planning, family planning, vacation planning, home repairs, medical plans, dentist offices, orthodontists, ailing parents, lawn maintenance, car insurance, car maintentance, decorating decisions, meal planning...I could go on.

 

Do you really think married couples have all this time to dwell on the state of their relationship or what that look he gave you or that you haven't had sex in 5 days MEANS? They normally don't have time to think about it but yes, d-day is reason to give pause.

 

Have you ever been married, because I can't believe any married person thinks that two people with a family and all the other things going on in their lives have time to obsess over the state over their relationship all day.

 

Affair partners generally have one thing on their minds, none of that bothersome real life gets in the way.

 

 

Well there is no reason you should not make time for it. For goodness sake I see the amount of time you spend on LS for example half that time could be spent playing catch up with your husband about his feelings and why you have not had sex in 5 days etc. Of course he has to want to too, if he doesn't not sure what you are doing with a man who chooses to stay so emotionally detached from you!?!

 

EXCUSES all EXCUSES. And then a BS cries crocodile tears because she/he can't believe the spouse did that to them when they look for comfort somwhere else. Remarkable the excuses people will come with to justify their laziness.

[Impudent Oyster]

Sweetheart, I've been happily married for over 20 years, together almost 30 and my husband had one short, quite meaningless affair, so yes, I guess I am cut out for marriage. We plan on being married for another 50 years at least.

 

You take the time when there is time, sometimes you just have to be patient and wait for a lull.

 

While I appreciate your sage marital advice, I think we've got it covered, but thanks all the same.

[Impudent Oyster]

Oh and, do you really think my husband is home while I'm on LS? He's got a very responsible job and this week he's on another coast hiring someone to run the office there, so it's not like I'm neglecting him to post here. Not having sex for 5 days happens, it's not a big deal. Peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. Try not to have a meltdown and overanalyze every nuance of your relationship, your partner might think you don't have anything better to do.

 

Again, your concern and advice are so appreciated.

[Virgo1982]

Yanno...marriage is not all about 2 people who spend all their time together screwing or talking about their feelings like affairs are, marriage is REAL LIFE, with kids, mortgages, jobs, pets, in-laws, bills, obligations, errands, friends, sporting events, lessons, tuitions, financial planning, family planning, vacation planning, home repairs, medical plans, dentist offices, orthodontists, ailing parents, lawn maintenance, car insurance, car maintentance, decorating decisions, meal planning...I could go on.

 

Do you really think married couples have all this time to dwell on the state of their relationship or what that look he gave you or that you haven't had sex in 5 days MEANS? They normally don't have time to think about it but yes, d-day is reason to give pause.

 

Have you ever been married, because I can't believe any married person thinks that two people with a family and all the other things going on in their lives have time to obsess over the state of their relationship all day.

 

Affair partners generally have one thing on their minds, none of that bothersome real life gets in the way.

 

You're amazing. So married couples are the only ones who have all of those problems you listed? What planet are you from? There are women who raise children on their own who have the same problems/responsibilities. So, what's your point? Some of them do so because they were stronger than being some man's doormat. They're strength to rise above the pain and be the rock for themselves and the kids. And, if being married means you don't have time to make the M work, then the H shouldn't have time to cheat and if he does, you shouldn't be here trashing OW day after day either. You should be sending them a check when you mail off payments for car insurance.