My Wife found out about me

[whichwayisup]

Don't worry about the future Matty. Think of the NOW. Besides, it seems you've been very blessed with a forgiving wife who still loves you and has taken back in with open arms.

 

Anything can happen in the future, as well as illness, death, accidents...It's best to stay focussed in the present rather than worry about the future.

[luvmy2ns]

Wow the double standard. It's funny those that expect the most out of other people are the ones who can offer the least. People with very low self esteem tend to expect from others what they cannot deliver themselves.

 

I don't see how a woman who is not willing to go with a MM is a better catch for someone who mislead two women at the same time through lies and deceit and sefishness?

 

I guess that is a very chauvenistic way to look at things, some men are more chauvenistic than others that I know is true.

 

hmmm.......

[bestadvisor]

LOL, thanks for the encouragement!

 

I really hope you don't think it's funny. I'm sure you won't think that way if she does leave you.

 

Just a lesson not to take your W for granted for being such a giving and forgiving person. She can snap out of it and leave and you can't really blame her.

[nadiaj2727]

Sure sure you have.

It totally shows by the tone in your posts, that you are happily coasting long in your perfect life. It totally shows. :laugh:

 

Sarme -- I think IO sounds a lot happier than most people here, especially most OWs here who say "why won't he leave her?" and "I'm so depressed because he's still not mine." Instead she is in control of her own happiness, and she has made a decision to remain married and to forgive the person she took vows with. Why do you think that choice is wrong compared to sleeping with someone else's husband, who took vows with another woman??!! I think she is REALISTICALLY happy, not living in some fantasy land (I'm not saying you are living in a fantasy land, I just mean that to me, IO's world sounds like a realistically happy marriage, whereas most other people's worlds on here sound like make believe yet depressed fairylands.) I don't understand why you and others are so mad at her for staying with her husband. That's her choice and to me it looks like it's working out well for them. I just don't understand your issue with her, why can't she be here expressing her viewpoints like everyone else?

[jj2007]

[quote=sarme;142992

 

 

MY comment was that I refuse to be a BS meaning I refuse to remain in relationship after I was cheated on. If it was not understood then, there is no room for misunderstanding now.

 

 

Well, you should have just said that in the first place.

Either way, you would still be a BS.

[nadiaj2727]

I don't understand why all the OW here REFUSE to believe that a marriage can survive, even thrive after infidelity without both partners being miserable. Is it denial? Is it too painful to even think about? I don't get it?

 

I (a former OW) don't refuse to believe this. In fact I predict my xMM has gone back or will go back to his W. Their marriage will survive, at least until she ends it, but I doubt it will thrive b/c he (NOT his wife -- he was the one who cheated and left) isn't willing to work hard enough on it. He wants out but he's too cowardly and weak to do it. Therefore he will probably have more affairs (if I was even his first).

 

Yes, that is hard for me to think about, not b/c I have strong feelings for him at this point but because I feel guilty for interfering with a marriage that is still continuing despite what he told me. It makes me angry that he lied to me and kept telling me "another week or two" until he files for divorce. Yes, it makes me feel not special, and naive. But I'm not in denial, I'm realistic and at this point I realize it is what it is. I realize that married men usually don't get divorced. I realize that his comfort zone with his wife means more to him than the "love" he felt for me. And I honestly wish them both happiness because I myself am a lot happier without him and their drama in my life. It feels so good to focus on my happiness instead of worrying about whether he will really leave his wife.

 

IO I just figured something out, finally. I was wondering why all of these OWs always give you hard time and act like they hate you. I think they hate you because you won. You have a true prize... a long-lasting marriage and a husband who loves you despite his past indiscretion. To me, that is a fulfilling life and I guess when you give others advice on how to have the same, they get upset because it is different from what they have. They want or wanted MM to leave their W for them, and in some cases he did and some cases he didn't... either way, they didn't want MM to stay with W, forget about OW, and work out the problems that led to the affair, and that's what happened in your case, so they don't like you. I believe from your posts that your husband is honestly sorry and won't cheat again, and that you two have resolved the issue and are working on your marriage (and who knows where OW is -- besides, as you say, still chasing him?). That's what makes the other OW so mad at you... I think I finally figured it out.

[jj2007]

I've already explained it I am not explaining it again.

 

You people sure love to argue nonsense don't you??

 

No we are just trying to explain something to you through your nonsense.

 

the point is:

 

You cannot refuse to be a BS because a BS has no control in that situation.

 

What part about that don't you understand?

[nadiaj2727]

Bottom line IO is that you do have to keep a dirty secret from your kids you always will.

 

Isn't it true Sarme that you too will have to keep a dirty little secret from your possible future children should you and xMM decide to have them? (The dirty little secret being how you two got together... or are you going to tell them their dad was married to someone else when you two got together?) I don't envy your position either way, and I don't understand your logic that IO has to keep a dirty little secret, when you are in the same boat, IMO... ??

[nadiaj2727]

Wow and they call the BS's bitter.

 

Exactly noforgiveness! Sarme's posts are the most bitter I've read on here. I'm very confused as to how someone who claims to be so happy sounds so unhappy.

[Virgo1982]

I figured it out now. OW were attacking IO because she chose to stay in her M. That's why she thought I thought M was constant struggle and misery for everyone. Now, I understand.

 

Actually, I don't think it's any certain way for everyone, but I like to listen to people's stories here because when you can relate aspects of their stories to your own situations, you are better equipped IMO.

 

Some people get along great. Some people are miserable. And some people are in between.

[whichwayisup]

Betrayed spouses who offer their cheating spouse a second chance are kind hearted and special people. It takes alot of courage, faith and love to want to work past the A and make the marriage even better. IO is obviously one of those people, as well as Owl, Thumbingmyway to name afew more....

 

*I highlighted second because I also believe that many BS's will not give another chance if the cheating happens again in the future.*

[luvmy2ns]

The thing that I still fail to understand is all the low blows to the OP in this thread.

 

He came here and bared his soul; told us all that the affair was due to his selfishness; admitted he screwed up; admitted that he continues to omit the truth and lie to his wife to save her further anguish (which is not such a bad thing, no?); that he now realizes how stupid he was and vows to never be so stupid again. Then a few OW went on a veritable feeding frenzy, trying to dig fresh wounds in the guy. And he took it like a man, I must say. Didn't lash back. Continued to apologize for himself and to the OW's that were lashing out at him.

 

I, for one, appreciate his candor.

[nadiaj2727]

Of course he left, in September of this year we were not talking and I was ready to walk away from him because they were stalling the divorce, he filled in October. When I wrote that he and I were not talking and I really thought we were through since he was not filing, but then it happened.

 

Wow Sarme so it really makes you feel good inside that you got him to divorce his wife for you by being ready to leave when THEY (meaning him too, I'm guessing) were stalling for divorce? Really?

 

This is where I think it's a no-win situation for OWs, or at least it was for me when I was one. In the beginning, like many other OWs, I thought (b/c he told me and I naively believed him) that they were separated and on the verge of getting divorced. Again, like many other OWs, I began to see that he wasn't getting divorced, they were "stalling" as you put it. I was in a catch-22. Stay with him no matter how long it took for him to get divorced (NO, I could not do that), or try to MAKE him get divorced by giving him an ultimatum that may or may not have worked, holding his hand through it and babying him, saying pretty please, I want to get married, etc. etc. etc (NO, I could not do those things either). I didn't want to help break up a marriage, it wasn't what I signed up for. I signed up to be with a man who was getting divorced, NOT a man who WASN'T getting divorced without a lot of help from me. So I left... not as a threat or ultimatum, but because I did not like the situation. I don't understand how someone could KNOWINGLY take a man from his wife who was "stalling" from divorcing her for whatever reason. I guess that's just something I won't be able to comprehend.

[whichwayisup]

Then he says he'll step out of the thread since he felt like he was upsetting some people, then he got accused of "running away" or something like that. I am too lazy to go back and look for the exact quote.

 

I commend Matty for posting his story in this section. Just wish he was getting the same respect that OW want when they post their stories.

[Virgo1982]

Yes, it does take a special person to be forgiving and give a second chance. But, if you make it clear that you're loving like Major League Baseball, the M can endure.

 

The OP's input was useful here, but the truth is still the truth. He said he lied to his W about his feelings for the OW. He is very lucky to have his W.

[Impudent Oyster]

I (a former OW) don't refuse to believe this. .......... I believe from your posts that your husband is honestly sorry and won't cheat again, and that you two have resolved the issue and are working on your marriage (and who knows where OW is -- besides, as you say, still chasing him?). That's what makes the other OW so mad at you... I think I finally figured it out.

 

I know you don't believe it Nadia, you're an exception and I think you're well on your way to having a great future with a single guy.

 

The OW is still chasing other MM...from what I've heard and seen. Not a lot of single men in our town, if I were her I'd move but I'm sure she doesn't want my advice.

 

I think you're right about why many OW don't like me. I represent their worst nightmare, a wife who forgives and a happily reconciled couple.

[whichwayisup]

But, if you make it clear that you're loving like Major League Baseball, the M can endure.

 

Nah, it's more like National Hockey League, the M can endure! hehe..

[jj2007]

I commend Matty for posting his story in this section. Just wish he was getting the same respect that OW want when they post their stories.

 

I agree 100%

 

It is nice to see an HONEST MM perspective. I think that is what rubbed the "foaming OW herd":laugh: the wrong way.

[Virgo1982]

Yes, it does take a special person to be forgiving and give a second chance. But, if you make it clear that you're loving like Major League Baseball, the M can endure.

 

The OP's input was useful here, but the truth is still the truth. He said he lied to his W about his feelings for the OW. He is very lucky to have his W.

 

In fact, the folks in the Marriage forum have been ripping him apart more than the folks in here. They started out trying to help him, then realized he wasn't being completely honest about his feelings for the OW. Regardless of who the OP is, these threads become argumentative when the posters want to take the OP somewhere the OP never intended to go. Or when the posters shed light on something the OP doesn't want in the open.

[sarme]

Wow Sarme so it really makes you feel good inside that you got him to divorce his wife for you by being ready to leave when THEY (meaning him too, I'm guessing) were stalling for divorce? Really?

 

 

 

I didn't "get him" to do do anything, he left because it was done, he left because he needed to he left because there was nothing more to fight for..

Sorry it didn't work out like that in your situation...what can I say?

[White Flower]

Sarme -- I think IO sounds a lot happier than most people here, especially most OWs here who say "why won't he leave her?" and "I'm so depressed because he's still not mine." Instead she is in control of her own happiness, and she has made a decision to remain married and to forgive the person she took vows with. Why do you think that choice is wrong compared to sleeping with someone else's husband, who took vows with another woman??!! I think she is REALISTICALLY happy, not living in some fantasy land (I'm not saying you are living in a fantasy land, I just mean that to me, IO's world sounds like a realistically happy marriage, whereas most other people's worlds on here sound like make believe yet depressed fairylands.) I don't understand why you and others are so mad at her for staying with her husband. That's her choice and to me it looks like it's working out well for them. I just don't understand your issue with her, why can't she be here expressing her viewpoints like everyone else?

This is a good point, Nadia. If I can be diplomatic here and speak for some OW (excuse me if I'm out of line) it appears that IO and similar personalities are very angry at their BS's by the way they post and then when they say they are now happy and have forgiven them we are left to question their sincerity in the forgiveness. I truly hope they are happy and have put the A far, far behind them, but here we OW are still being judged and sometimes spewed upon with nasty one-liners when we're just looking for some clarity. I for one usually-OK-try to ignore it (Don't laugh, Luvmy2ns:laugh:), but for the most part I feel we all want to hear from the BS without the nastiness because then I think we could really feel their pain without having to become defensive. And I agree that everyone has a choice to stay with a BS and would like to add that sometimes that is what makes us stronger; not weaker.

[whichwayisup]

In fact, the folks in the Marriage forum have been ripping him apart more than the folks in here. They started out trying to help him, then realized he wasn't being completely honest about his feelings for the OW.

 

But the goal was to open his eyes so he could figure things out. Trust me, he's quite thankful the @sskickin' he got in there. Also, there's a big difference between tough love and harsh advice, and treating someone like crap, beating up on them with disrespect. I certainly kicked his butt afew times, but I also praised him for the positives he was doing.

[sarme]

In fact, the folks in the Marriage forum have been ripping him apart more than the folks in here. They started out trying to help him, then realized he wasn't being completely honest about his feelings for the OW. Regardless of who the OP is, these threads become argumentative when the posters want to take the OP somewhere the OP never intended to go. Or when the posters shed light on something the OP doesn't want in the open.

 

 

 

Totally!! the point is there will always be a reason to rip into OW/OP on the OW forum that is excatly why it was created to lure in people in pain so that other people can just sht on them even more.

[whichwayisup]

but here we OW are still being judged and sometimes spewed upon with nasty one-liners when we're just looking for some clarity. I for one usually-OK-try to ignore it (Don't laugh, Luvmy2ns), but for the most part I feel we all want to hear from the BS without the nastiness because then I think we could really feel their pain without having to become defensive

 

And how about some OW give Matty that same exact request that you are asking now...Sure, some may not like what he has had to say, but atleast he's trying to be honest on the boards about how he felt/feels about the A, during and after it ended.

[nadiaj2727]

Nadia, I know this was not directed at me, and I am not trying to take credit for this, and I agree..there are many times that the Impudent Oyster has good thoughts even if to some they come off as a little harsh. (Truth CAN be harsh when it is something we do not want to hear).

 

But when I read your analysis, it looks like you have come to some of the realization yourself, too. Hopefully, you will stay around and share your experiences with those here who still are in such a relationship with a MM.

 

Hi James, thanks, I like your posts too, they are very helpful and insightful. I thanked you for them in another thread but I'm not sure if you saw my post to you there.

 

I was once discouraged to stick around this forum because people personally attack me and call me judgmental and "holier-than-thou" when they don't like what I have to say. Truly I am only trying to share my experiences and help show them that perhaps there is a bigger truth out there if they allow themselves to see it... I guess that sounds judgmental I don't know, and I guess I say things the wrong way sometimes. I never mean to offend anyone but they always seem to get offended because my simple advice is "NEVER EVER DATE A MM, SILLIES!!!" *shrug*

 

I almost decided never to come back (I hear a bunch of OWs out there cheering at the thought lol) but then I remembered all the really helpful people who gave me advice when I came to LS a couple months ago feeling frustrated, guilty, angry and sad as an OW. I recall WWIU, IO, BNB, Icallemlikeiseeem-- just to name a few off the top of my head and there are a lot more-- who helped me WAKE UP from my "blind love" and see reality. I am so thankful to them and I realize now that they give this same advice over and over and over to so many poor lost wondering OWs who come on here saying "is he going to leave?" "should I pursue this relationship?" just like they did for me. I smile when I see the same words repeated by these kind souls, because it's the truth and the only thing that will help these women out of their painful situations they are causing themselves and letting MM cause for them too. Some choose to listen and some don't, but I am grateful they were here and I want to help other OWs like they helped me.

 

And there have been a few OWs who have asked me questions on the board or PMed me to ask me for my help in getting out of their affairs. So I realized all was not lost... some publicly attack me and that's fine, I want to be like IO and be able to stand the heat. ;-) Others really need my advice like I needed others' advice at one time.

 

I once made a very stupid decision to be with an MM who I thought loved me and who I thought I loved. Since stopping that relationship I have learned and grown so much, with the help of this board and also through therapy and reading a lot of studies and marriage/ affair experts. I am really happy to share what I've learned with people who want to hear it. For the others, oh well, I guess they'll have to suffer through my "lectures" and I guess I'll have to ignore their hateful posts towards me.

 

Thanks for the encouragement James -- I'm always glad when someone is glad I'm here posting lol -- and again, I really learn a lot through your posts. I find it encouraging that there are men of integrity who love being married and believe in staying faithful despite any personal "fun" that might be temporarily appealing. You are a much stronger person than any of these cheating MMs I read about on here (whether or not they've left or are leaving or simply SAYING they are leaving every day without actually leaving, etc.), and I admire you for that.