My Wife found out about me

[nadiaj2727]

Well good because you have no hope in hell to change my life so you are wise not to even attempt it.

 

Wow I think that about sums it up right there. I think that if someone can't accept constructive criticism from others, they're being defensive about something and refusing to examine their actions/ decisions. But that's just my opinion though.

[luvmy2ns]

This is a good point, Nadia. If I can be diplomatic here and speak for some OW (excuse me if I'm out of line) it appears that IO and similar personalities are very angry at their BS's by the way they post and then when they say they are now happy and have forgiven them we are left to question their sincerity in the forgiveness. I truly hope they are happy and have put the A far, far behind them, but here we OW are still being judged and sometimes spewed upon with nasty one-liners when we're just looking for some clarity. I for one usually-OK-try to ignore it (Don't laugh, Luvmy2ns:laugh:), but for the most part I feel we all want to hear from the BS without the nastiness because then I think we could really feel their pain without having to become defensive. And I agree that everyone has a choice to stay with a BS and would like to add that sometimes that is what makes us stronger; not weaker.

 

Wouldn't laugh at you, WF. You have a great perspective on things. You see the truth of various matters, even if the truth doesn't make you particularly happy. And for the record, I'm not a BS, in case you thought I was.

[Virgo1982]

But the goal was to open his eyes so he could figure things out. Trust me, he's quite thankful the @sskickin' he got in there. Also, there's a big difference between tough love and harsh advice, and treating someone like crap, beating up on them with disrespect. I certainly kicked his butt afew times, but I also praised him for the positives he was doing.

 

This is true. I think one poster over there was really hard on him though. I guess sometimes you just feel like your label makes you feel like you have to walk on egg-shells around her. That goes for all parties of an affair. Then, if you've never been in the situation, but don't pick a side, you still have to walk on egg-shells, but you still get to say, "I'm not an OW," or "I'm not a BS," and that can kill your drama sometimes. And sometimes it won't. If people have emotional issues with what you're trying to say, whether it's fact or fiction, there will be friction.

[nadiaj2727]

I was agreeing with the other person. Whether a spouse stays after being cheated on does not change the fact that they have been a BS. They can be a BS who left or a BS who stayed.

 

 

LOL luvmy2ns you are so funny. I like how you tell it how it is.

[White Flower]

I agree 100%

 

It is nice to see an HONEST MM perspective. I think that is what rubbed the "foaming OW herd":laugh: the wrong way.

You're right. I think some OW really have it great with a MM who truly loves them and may find it difficult to hear Matty's words of honesty. For me, I know my MM wants to love me, but only in his dream world. Listening to Matty helps me to see that my MM would eventually do just what he did: Tell his W that I came onto him and that he never loved me and it was all a mistake. He would be risking so much if he did otherwise. I am so very grateful that Matty put himself on the line so that someone like me can gain some clarity and perspective.

 

But I also know that not all OW have a MM like Matty. We all have different stories.

[whichwayisup]

If people have emotional issues with what you're trying to say, whether it's fact or fiction, there will be friction.

 

Very true.

[White Flower]

Wouldn't laugh at you, WF. You have a great perspective on things. You see the truth of various matters, even if the truth doesn't make you particularly happy. And for the record, I'm not a BS, in case you thought I was.

NO, lol, but I have become a little defensive with you at times and thought you might catch me on me saying that I "usually try to ignore them" line. I have just grown to love you.

[sarme]

But the goal was to open his eyes so he could figure things out. Trust me, he's quite thankful the @sskickin' he got in there. Also, there's a big difference between tough love and harsh advice, and treating someone like crap, beating up on them with disrespect. I certainly kicked his butt afew times, but I also praised him for the positives he was doing.

 

 

Yes of course, when the harsh words come from a BS it is tough love when the harsh words come from an OW it is harsh hurtful advice!

[nadiaj2727]

I figured it out now. OW were attacking IO because she chose to stay in her M. That's why she thought I thought M was constant struggle and misery for everyone. Now, I understand.

 

Actually, I don't think it's any certain way for everyone, but I like to listen to people's stories here because when you can relate aspects of their stories to your own situations, you are better equipped IMO.

 

Some people get along great. Some people are miserable. And some people are in between.

 

I agree with all that Virgo, I just couldn't figure out the hatred aimed towards IO on here, now I think I see. To me that is the only thing that explains it.

 

(I'm not sure what you mean about the thinking you thought M was a constant struggle and misery for everyone. I must have missed that part I'm sorry.)

[sarme]

Wow I think that about sums it up right there. I think that if someone can't accept constructive criticism from others, they're being defensive about something and refusing to examine their actions/ decisions. But that's just my opinion though.

 

 

But I am not looking for advice or to change anything in my life. Right now my life is right were I want it to be so why don't people save their "advice" for those looking for it?

 

I have nothing to examine, I did all the examining I needed over the last two and a half years and I have made some tough decisions and now I just want to enjoy my relationship with my single b/f.

 

but if I read that all men are like Matt and I want to make sure I let women out there contemplating on what to do, know that no not all men are or think like Matt, why should I keep my mouth shut just because it didn't work out for some? I wish someone would have told me that when I first came here, instead of telling me "go NC, dump him he will never leave his W, you are a fool to get involved with a married person" of couse that is just "tough love"

[luvmy2ns]

Harsh words can come in the form of useful advice that some folks may not necessarily want to hear, and it can also come in the form of simply digging away at someone with no goal in mind but to hurt. There's a huge difference.

[sarme]

I agree with all that Virgo, I just couldn't figure out the hatred aimed towards IO on here, now I think I see. To me that is the only thing that explains it.

 

 

 

Incase you haven't noticed, hatred follows IO into every single thread. Click on her posts in any thread, she has it out with everyone.

I am no mathmetician scientist but heck it ain't that hard to calculate.

[luvmy2ns]

Matty made it very clear that not all MM in affairs are the same as his situation - many, many times. Apparently he was not heard.

[White Flower]

The thing that I still fail to understand is all the low blows to the OP in this thread.

 

He came here and bared his soul; told us all that the affair was due to his selfishness; admitted he screwed up; admitted that he continues to omit the truth and lie to his wife to save her further anguish (which is not such a bad thing, no?); that he now realizes how stupid he was and vows to never be so stupid again. Then a few OW went on a veritable feeding frenzy, trying to dig fresh wounds in the guy. And he took it like a man, I must say. Didn't lash back. Continued to apologize for himself and to the OW's that were lashing out at him.

 

I, for one, appreciate his candor.

I can see you are one who believes in forgiveness and wants to learn from all the different perspectives, Luvmy2ns.

 

And the second thing I highlighted begins another question: Which kind of lies are OK? Is it better to spare someone's heart with a lie, or hurt them with the cold, hard truth even though you're going to love them and stay with them forever. We hear all the time about how some people just can't get over the images of the A. I think he is just sparing her from this pain. I am one who would want to know and I would explain by saying, "I won't leave you if you just tell me", but then again I could handle it. If Matty's W has not demanded the full truth, don't knock him for keeping it inside. He is dealing with it the only way he sees fit for his marriage's personal experience.

[sarme]

Harsh words can come in the form of useful advice that some folks may not necessarily want to hear, and it can also come in the form of simply digging away at someone with no goal in mind but to hurt. There's a huge difference.

 

I am not looking for advice I am looking to share my story with other who still have hope.

 

But some of you feel the need to give me advice anyway, and I remind you that I am not looking to change anything yet I am being "defensive"

It's basically what I see a lot of people do on this forum when people come on to share stories and not necessarily looking to change anything, they try to change their situation, when the people are not even looking for a change, they are happy just as they are.

 

why don't you change your hair colour to green? Oh riiight because you are not looking to change your hair colour to green!

 

Respect works both ways. Some of you demand what you can't give.

[sarme]

Matty made it very clear that not all MM in affairs are the same as his situation - many, many times. Apparently he was not heard.

 

 

Was that before or after he said all men use the OW for sex, and once a cheater always a cheater, and all cheaters lie to their wives after they take them back because they need to be lied to in order to spare them more hurt feelings, and BS want to be lied to and want to believe lies because it makes it ok for them to accept their decisions?

[jj2007]

Respect works both ways. Some of you demand what you can't give.

 

Practice what you preach;)

[nadiaj2727]

I didn't "get him" to do do anything, he left because it was done, he left because he needed to he left because there was nothing more to fight for..

Sorry it didn't work out like that in your situation...what can I say?

 

But you just said in another post that he admitted that he wouldn't have gotten divorced from her at that time if it weren't for you? That's why I was under the impression that he had left her to be with you. Sorry if I misunderstood. I'm easily confused lol.

 

And about my situation... I'm not sorry, I'm glad I'm not with him, I figured him out. He is lying cheat who turned me into a lying cheat until I realized what was going on and got the heck out of dodge.

 

I believe married men who cheat are not worth being with (by anyone, including OW or BS) UNTIL they figure out what made them cheat and change. Mine didn't do that and I think very few cheating MM actually do... they just continue the problem. But I think some do change, from what I've read I think IO's MM has changed his ways, and I hope your xMM/ new BF has changed his ways too. I'm being sincere, not nasty.

 

In that sense I think OW and BS have something in common -- they both take a leap of faith that a man who cheated while in a committed relationship will not do so again. I preferred to move on from my cheating (with me lol) MM, who it didn't look like would ever change, and wait for a new one who hasn't shown me he has this problem. While I was guilty of cheating (in that I was with a MM, and in the beginning I was involved with someone else) and I in no way consider myself "perfect" or anything else right now, I feel I'm a better person because I chose to change so that I will never cheat or be involved in cheating again, I am absolutely sure of it. Since I changed, I think others (like the MM of a BS or the xMM of an OW/ now GF) can also change, but it takes hard work and a lot of self-reflection and admitting to wrongs, etc.

[Virgo1982]

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

If he feels this way, I don't see what he and Sarme have to argue about.

[White Flower]

I admire you for that.

And I admire you for putting so much time and effort into really caring about people. You have a huge heart and I'm sure many will be blessed by it. Thanks, Nadia.

[luvmy2ns]

I think if he were lying to keep an affair going, that would be one thing. But he realizes now how much he truly values his wife and marriage and is afraid that if he really told his wife all of how he felt about this woman, she might leave, or at the very least be even more hurt than she already is. He also stated how guilty he felt about that; that he'd feel better taking the blows. But I understand why he's not outing with all of the "emotional" truth of the matter. It's over. They're trying to repair the damage done to their marriage. Why add more damage at this point?

[luvmy2ns]

Was that before or after he said all men use the OW for sex, and once a cheater always a cheater, and all cheaters lie to their wives after they take them back because they need to be lied to in order to spare them more hurt feelings, and BS want to be lied to and want to believe lies because it makes it ok for them to accept their decisions?

 

There are also many truths in these statements for many cheaters and many BS's and many OW's. Many - not all. Can you please put up a link where he said all men use OW's for sex? I thought he was referring to the "serial cheaters" he knows that he works with.

[nadiaj2727]

This is a good point, Nadia. If I can be diplomatic here and speak for some OW (excuse me if I'm out of line) it appears that IO and similar personalities are very angry at their BS's by the way they post and then when they say they are now happy and have forgiven them we are left to question their sincerity in the forgiveness. I truly hope they are happy and have put the A far, far behind them, but here we OW are still being judged and sometimes spewed upon with nasty one-liners when we're just looking for some clarity. I for one usually-OK-try to ignore it (Don't laugh, Luvmy2ns:laugh:), but for the most part I feel we all want to hear from the BS without the nastiness because then I think we could really feel their pain without having to become defensive. And I agree that everyone has a choice to stay with a BS and would like to add that sometimes that is what makes us stronger; not weaker.

 

Okay, I understand that WhiteFlower, I guess I just haven't seen this angry or nasty one-lines from IO. I have seen some posts where she hasn't seemed very sympathetic but then again, if I were a BS I probably wouldn't be very sympathetic to OW either and I understand how some can think "you knew what you were getting into, don't come crying now." But there's no reason for random nasty one-liners without provocation... I just haven't seen examples of this.

 

I also agree that forgiveness/ attempting to repair the marriage usually makes someone (and the marriage of course) much stronger than just walking away, which in a sense is the easier thing to do.

[luvmy2ns]

I am not looking for advice I am looking to share my story with other who still have hope.

 

But some of you feel the need to give me advice anyway, and I remind you that I am not looking to change anything yet I am being "defensive"

It's basically what I see a lot of people do on this forum when people come on to share stories and not necessarily looking to change anything, they try to change their situation, when the people are not even looking for a change, they are happy just as they are.

 

why don't you change your hair colour to green? Oh riiight because you are not looking to change your hair colour to green!

 

Respect works both ways. Some of you demand what you can't give.

 

And MattyM did not come here to give advice; simply to tell a story. And you launched into him with a vengeance. You had some very harsh words for the guy. If you don't like what he has to say, don't get into a discourse with him. Just dismiss it.

[bish]

I don't usually post in here, but LS has really helped me in my situation, so I thought this may help any OW out there, who may be wondering when everything's going to 'come right' and you & MM will be together

 

Feel free to ignore what I have to say, it is only my opinion after all..

 

I am now a 'recovering' cheating MM. I cheated on my wife for the best part of this year with another woman

 

I told her I loved her. I genuinely believe she was in love with me

 

I told her I was unhappy with my Wife and it was children/finances/workload/family pressures prevented me from leaving 'just yet'

(not so unhappy that I couldn't make love to OW any chance I got, and spend money on her of course)

 

She talked about us getting married, having kids, our own home, everyone knowing , all of it being out in the open

 

I went along with all of it, and I was LYING throughout

 

I've worked with guys over the years who've cheated ( some habitually) and in my experience we all LIE all the time to OW to get we want - namely sex, being made to feel great, ego strokes and generally feeling 'young & single' again. I've known a couple who DID leave for the OW - they cheated on them too. It makes us feel any woman desires us you see...

 

I've posted elsewhere tonight saying that if you are an OW and any of that sounds familiar then just take care of yourselves. It isn't nice but your man COULD be using you for what he can get

 

I don't say this to be cruel, but we are getting comfort and security at home, and excitement with the OW. We'll say anything to maintain that as long as possible

 

You think your MM is different? Try cutting out the sex for 3 months, or give him 4 weeks to make a decision to come & be with you

If he's still there after that, congratulations. You have a winner

 

I don't mean to upset anyone but when he tells you that you are his soulmate, just check who he's spending Christmas with.

I lied till i could not remember what I'd said anymore, and I hurt 2 people who cared about me for my own selfish ends.

I am not proud of how I behaved, and I am paying the price now, but Perhaps reading this if you are an OW you can avoid being the victim of this from a man such as me

 

regards

 

Matt

 

Very good post.

 

But I didn't see anything in it that shows where you are remorseful about betraying your wife. You just focused on the poor OW being a victim and nothing about your wife.