My Wife found out about me

[luvmy2ns]

Time to start the weekend! Night all!!!! Have a great weekend!!!

[sarme]

I think if he were lying to keep an affair going, that would be one thing. But he realizes now how much he truly values his wife and marriage and is afraid that if he really told his wife all of how he felt about this woman, she might leave, or at the very least be even more hurt than she already is. He also stated how guilty he felt about that; that he'd feel better taking the blows. But I understand why he's not outing with all of the "emotional" truth of the matter. It's over. They're trying to repair the damage done to their marriage. Why add more damage at this point?

 

 

Of course he feels guilty all men feel guilt, still doesnt stop them from commiting the same hurtful act. My guy was totally guilt ridden the whole time he was doing it but continued to reach out to me to be with me.

 

Guilt is a waste of emotion. guilt is the sugary coating that makes a tylenol easy to swallow, but once you suck or scrape it off you are still left with a totally bitter pill to swallow.

[White Flower]

In fact, the folks in the Marriage forum have been ripping him apart more than the folks in here. They started out trying to help him, then realized he wasn't being completely honest about his feelings for the OW. Regardless of who the OP is, these threads become argumentative when the posters want to take the OP somewhere the OP never intended to go. Or when the posters shed light on something the OP doesn't want in the open.

I must agree also. Again, trying to be diplomatic though. Some threads are clearly opened to discuss an honest idea and the nasty attitudes show up and we get sidetracked. I feel for them in their anger and pain, but some of you really do have a good MM who left the bad marriage for you and they don't want to accept that. I suppose we should just ignore them? Why spend so much time and energy writing them a book?

[sarme]

And MattyM did not come here to give advice; simply to tell a story. And you launched into him with a vengeance. You had some very harsh words for the guy. If you don't like what he has to say, don't get into a discourse with him. Just dismiss it.

 

 

Well if you don't like it you don't have to read it...what can I say?

 

I have every right to do whatever I want and I am certainly not going to stop posting what I want when I want where I want.

[White Flower]

Time to start the weekend! Night all!!!! Have a great weekend!!!

You have a good weekend, too!

[nadiaj2727]

But I am not looking for advice or to change anything in my life. Right now my life is right were I want it to be so why don't people save their "advice" for those looking for it?

 

I have nothing to examine, I did all the examining I needed over the last two and a half years and I have made some tough decisions and now I just want to enjoy my relationship with my single b/f.

 

I understand that you weren't looking for advice, therefore, I won't give you any. However I think you came off as really really harsh with Matty so others starting saying, "Well, what about you, what makes you think you have it so figured out?" (Just a natural reaction.) And others like me are interested to know about your situation. I guess I can't help sharing versus comparing situations and stuff, because I am always interested in examining my past, present and future choices and decisions. I guess it's just the nature of a public forum for side conversations to start with different posters.

[Virgo1982]

Very good post.

 

But I didn't see anything in it that shows where you are remorseful about betraying your wife. You just focused on the poor OW being a victim and nothing about your wife.

 

This is the truth and I'm not blasting him. It's just my opinion:

 

Originally Posted by mattym

She was very cold, I think my ego wanted her to be as broken up s I was. She said ' I've been dessimated once over you, I'm not doing it again. We are over, I'm not changing my mind. Even if you left your wife tomorrow, I'd always be No.2 in your life because your family will still be around'?!

matty you ask how she can go from being dessimated over you to wanting you out of her life because she will no longer put up with being second? I'd like to think that she came to the conclusion, based on your actions that you were never going to put her first, and seeing how low she'd got and how dependent on you, she realised that the best thing to do would be to cut you out of her life.

 

Others may claim that she's 'playing a game' to trap you, but I don't think so. Not every woman wants to wait around for a MM to make up his mind and come to them. I think you've lost her, and I think that's for the best, since you don't really respect her. I think you just need her... you need her to need you. Which is why you're shocked that she is saying she doesn't. It's what you've always been talking about every time you talk about her, and her seeing her ex, and going out with the girls and how apalling all that is (for a single girl?). It all boils down to this, you're only interested in whether she does or doesn't depend on you to make her life worth living. Evidently she doesn't. But your talking that way all the time says more to me about you than it does about her.

 

Why do you need her to need you? I think that's the key.

 

And now you're on the verge of losing your W too. Because concentrating on how loved your OW made you feel (because you needed to be needed in order to feel loved... jmho), you've forgotten all about this other woman you live with. The one you're married to... she's not just the mother of your children. She doesn't want to be that. She wants to be your full, romantic partner. And from what she said to you about it sounds like you're staying for the children..? How do you think that makes her feel? Unloved that's how.

 

matty I am glad you've made an appointment to see a therapist (I'm in the UK too and I know it's not so big over here as in the US). I just hope that it's not all too late for you. Take care.

[nadiaj2727]

Incase you haven't noticed, hatred follows IO into every single thread. Click on her posts in any thread, she has it out with everyone.

I am no mathmetician scientist but heck it ain't that hard to calculate.

 

Hmmm I don't remember having it out with her or hearing hatred from her when I came here as an IO and I posted a lot of threads lol (this was my only outlet, I was pretty pathetic at that point in my life lol.) I guess since she helped me, and I agree with most of her opinions, I'm biased. *shrug*

[OWoman]

Seriously though, it's only women who have this daft idea of 'we're destined to be together' etc etc

 

well then my MM must be a girl, and me a guy! As well as pretty damn near every other guy I've ever shagged. There you are, thinking it's all about the sex, and they're already house-hunting in their heads and naming the beautiful children the two of you are sure to produce!

 

 

Go on any dating website or lonely heart ad - women want 'companionship, someone to share their life with'

men want ' good looking, for fun and maybe more'

 

Hmmm - not familiar with marketing concepts, then? About how you second guess what your customer would be seeking, and then position your product as the answer to their needs?

[sarme]

I understand that you weren't looking for advice, therefore, I won't give you any. However I think you came off as really really harsh with Matty so others starting saying, "Well, what about you, what makes you think you have it so figured out?" (Just a natural reaction.) And others like me are interested to know about your situation. I guess I can't help sharing versus comparing situations and stuff, because I am always interested in examining my past, present and future choices and decisions. I guess it's just the nature of a public forum for side conversations to start with different posters.

 

 

first off it didn't happen with Matt there were other posters that were being rude to Matt and saying mean things and then he dissappeared, I had a normal conversation with him exchanging opposing view. so please go back and read it don't make me rehash it all. This is like some thread of insanity people keep asking the same questions over and over again please just go back and read the thread and then see how the convesations went.

 

when people started telling me about my life and personal choices and my sex life during the affair I took the stand, they were talking about me so I stepped up to plate. but I won't agree with others views and I am harsh and whatever...

 

honestly who cares. you people are toooo wound up in this and afterall it was just a an afternoon of posting thoughts, let's all that a chill pill and enjoy the weekend. I am so done with this talking in circles nonsense.

 

enjoy!

[nadiaj2727]

And I admire you for putting so much time and effort into really caring about people. You have a huge heart and I'm sure many will be blessed by it. Thanks, Nadia.

 

Wow thanks White Flower.

 

I admire you too, and hope you're doing well!!!

[whichwayisup]

But I am not looking for advice or to change anything in my life. Right now my life is right were I want it to be so why don't people save their "advice" for those looking for it?

 

Well if you don't like it you don't have to read it...what can I say?

 

I have every right to do whatever I want and I am certainly not going to stop posting what I want when I want where I want.

 

Just like people have the right to offer you advice when you share your story, even if you weren't asking for it, they're still allowed to give it.

[White Flower]

Originally posted by Nadiaj2727>

Okay, I understand that WhiteFlower, I guess I just haven't seen this angry or nasty one-lines from IO.

 

I wasn't neccessarily pointing out IO, just the BS in general. It just happened to be IO who was brought up just prior to that post.

[nadiaj2727]

 

when people started telling me about my life and personal choices and my sex life during the affair I took the stand, they were talking about me so I stepped up to plate. but I won't agree with others views and I am harsh and whatever...

 

honestly who cares. you people are toooo wound up in this and afterall it was just a an afternoon of posting thoughts, let's all that a chill pill and enjoy the weekend. I am so done with this talking in circles nonsense.

 

enjoy!

 

Well then just tell them you're happy and don't get into it with them, then. You have a good weekend too.

[White Flower]

Wow thanks White Flower.

 

I admire you too, and hope you're doing well!!!

Thanks, get the results next week.

[Impudent Oyster]

I am not looking for advice I am looking to share my story with other who still have hope.

 

 

Hope for what? What have you got, other than an older, separated man with a wife and kids and a tough and uncertain future? Do you think it's smooth sailing now? Aren't you a young woman? This is what is suppose to inspire hope, that you're with a man who you started sleeping with while he was still married and is now finally divorcing? Do you think that's going to be a picnic?

 

When I was young that was not my idea of Prince Charming.

 

When I think of posters here who inspire hope, I think of the OW who are free of their MM, who learned a valuable lesson and who plan to never get involved with a married man again. Those are the posters whom I have hope for.

 

I don't hold out a lot of hope for a happy and fulfilling relationship that was borne out of lies and deceit, and most everyone recognizes that, not just "bitter" BS's.

 

Second and third marriages have a much, much higher failure rate than first marriages, but I'm sure you believe that your relationship is different and that you'll beat the odds.

 

Like I said, good luck with that still married man, you're going to need it, it's not all massages and champagne.

[AgentD]

We are volunteers, not paid babysitters.

 

I'm closing this thread since it's gone too far out of hand, and will be making decisions on who's going to receive infractions this evening.

[michaelk]

I really hope you don't think it's funny. I'm sure you won't think that way if she does leave you.

 

Just a lesson not to take your W for granted for being such a giving and forgiving person. She can snap out of it and leave and you can't really blame her.

 

I'm sure he didn't think it was funny. He was being sarcastic. What do you expect when you come out of the blue with a comment like that? I don't think he's taking his W for granted, and I don't think painting the failure of his marriage as inevitable is a very good motivator.

[bestadvisor]

I'm sure he didn't think it was funny. He was being sarcastic. What do you expect when you come out of the blue with a comment like that? I don't think he's taking his W for granted, and I don't think painting the failure of his marriage as inevitable is a very good motivator.

 

I am not painting the failure of his marriage as inevitable, but simply remind that he should value his marriage and wife. He seems a little arrogant about the whole situation. It seems that he is sure that his W would not leave him even if he continue the affair for a while. This is just a reminder to him how fragile feelings are and he is currenly walking on thin ice if he doesn't step up and treat his W better from now on.

[mattym]

Hi, I'm not taking anybody for granted. I'm trying to rebuild the trust and intimacy in my marriage and trying at the same time to get over the ending of an intimate relationship - all of my own making, but still not easy to do

 

On a positive note (apologies to those who are eating at the minute) - got my STD results back - all NEGATIVE! I'm as clean as a baby's backside

[OpenBook]

On a positive note (apologies to those who are eating at the minute) - got my STD results back - all NEGATIVE! I'm as clean as a baby's backside

 

Well, amid the deafening silence... Let me be the first to congratulate you!! Seriously, since it's been in the news that STD's are now on the rise at a faster rate than since the 70's (which was before AIDS, and during/immediately after the free-love movement) -- it's certainly giving me and my fellow singleton's pause before entering a sexual relationship with anyone.

[michaelk]

Hi, I'm not taking anybody for granted. I'm trying to rebuild the trust and intimacy in my marriage and trying at the same time to get over the ending of an intimate relationship - all of my own making, but still not easy to do

 

On a positive note (apologies to those who are eating at the minute) - got my STD results back - all NEGATIVE! I'm as clean as a baby's backside

 

Congrats! That's great news. I know just how good those clean test results feel...

[BestAdvisor1]

Matt, have you or her broken contact? How's your wife doing?

[bish]

Hi, I'm not taking anybody for granted. I'm trying to rebuild the trust and intimacy in my marriage and trying at the same time to get over the ending of an intimate relationship - all of my own making, but still not easy to do

 

Well you will never gain 100% trust back from your wife. There will always be that small % that doesn't trust you.

 

And maybe you should get over pining for the OW before trying to build whatever trust you think it is you can get back....because if you still aren't over the OW, then you don't deserve to be trusted at all.

 

Otherwise you are trying to get trust from your wife when you are still untrustworthy. And you may never be trusthworthy again.

[cj1988]

Matt, Bish is right.....it will never be totallu honest and fulfilling for either of you if you are not PAST the feelings with the OW yet. If not, it is still all a lie at this point for you both.....you have come so far, keep going. If you are not able to get past the fog in a certain amount of months, then let your W go, for her sake......you are not selfish anymore....remember that !