Author mattym Posted December 5, 2007 Author Share Posted December 5, 2007 I know, you are right. And I am still in a fog, although not as much- if that makes sense Therapy was good. I talked, as Michael said, about how much I missed OW, the excitement, although i was also adding that didn't mean i wanted to give everything up for her I said how i had concerns she would have been right for me, about her past etc etc - the therapist said ' i'm like amirror, everything you tell me about her is negative' and asked whythat was I guess thats because I am telling myself i made the right choice, but just have to talk it and rationalise it through you know? This whole thing has been so tiring. I guess emotions are tiring things As I've told everyone though- this whole thing has mde me appreciate just what a thoroughly kind & decent person I married Link to post Share on other sites
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 As I've told everyone though- this whole thing has mde me appreciate just what a thoroughly kind & decent person I married So, what have you been doing lately to show your appreciation for her? Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 I know, you are right. And I am still in a fog, although not as much- if that makes sense Therapy was good. I talked, as Michael said, about how much I missed OW, the excitement, although i was also adding that didn't mean i wanted to give everything up for her I said how i had concerns she would have been right for me, about her past etc etc - the therapist said ' i'm like amirror, everything you tell me about her is negative' and asked whythat was I guess thats because I am telling myself i made the right choice, but just have to talk it and rationalise it through you know? This whole thing has been so tiring. I guess emotions are tiring things As I've told everyone though- this whole thing has mde me appreciate just what a thoroughly kind & decent person I married Glad to hear that you're getting things out in therapy. Right now, you'll be dealing with a lot of strong emotions there, and at home, and yes it will be tiring. But stick with what you're doing and things should slowly start to improve. Link to post Share on other sites
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 Matt, I'm curious to hear more about your wife's general attitude these days. Has she been angry with you yet? I guess I would have expected that by now she would have had her extensive angry period and she'd be roasting you over the coals. If she hasn't, then I wonder if the reality of your affair has really "hit" her yet. Hard2Think, what's the update on your story? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 Last couple of days have felt different. Maybe its the therapy. All the emotions came out and during that, and for the ldt day or so I've woke up- not immediately missed OW, but thought about her, then moved on and focussed on the family, what we're doing this weekend etc Anyway today I'm chatting away at work and my phone rings from an unidentified number. I answered it and its OW I had to say 'hello' a couple of times to be sure it ws her- haven 't spoken for a while and thought i misheard at first. She said 'how are you?' i said ' fine', then said she was checking up to make sure I was ok as she was worried about me I asked her why she was worried she said that she thought I had a lot to deal with and that she wondered about me everyday, wondered if i was ok and if I was coping. She said ' its not that we're ever getting back together, but its normal to wonder if a friend is ok, and to call them up to see how they're doing' I again said I'm fine and she started to tell me how she's been soooo busy she'd hardly had time to eat the last few weeks. She did have time though to go out last weekend and get ( in her words) 'really drunk' on wine at a party and she's been invited to no less that 4 parties in the next week or so (designed to make me jealous I'm guessing) She then told me how she'd met 2 policemen whod' helped out with her car. one she said was 'gorgeous' but sadly ' he was only about 21' (again I'm guessing wanting to run after her) She then asked how my W and Kids were?! i said 'they're fine thanks' and then she asked were we sleeping in seperate beds?! At this point I made an excuse to leave as i was busy She then said 'why do you have to go? tell them to wait' then told me a week or so ago she'd visited my building where I work to ' make quick toilet stop as i was passing' On this particular day I had just felt so run down by it all I'd taken the day off, but she didn't know that so presumably she was hoping to bump into me to see how distraught I might appear over her? Anyway I made my excuses and hung up I wasn't pining for her after that , i was left thinking that she's a manipulator Be interested to know anyone else's thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 If she breaks NC again Matty, you need to hang up on her. NO conversations, no answering questions, nothing. Your life and your marriage is NONE OF HER BUSINESS and now the game is back on. She is waiting for you to slip and fall. DO NOT fall for it. Good that you didn't feel like pining after her and good that you didn't cave to her questions. Two more things - Stop analzying what she thinks and says and why. WHO CARES???? AND, tell your wife the OW called you today. Tell her everything that you've said here and re-affirm that you love your wife as she needs to hear it. By telling your wife that the OW contacted you, broke NC, shows your wife that you are telling her what is going on and not hiding ANY information from her anymore. Yes, your EX-OW is a huge manipulator and am I ever glad to see that you're now noticing this more and more. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 AND, tell your wife the OW called you today. Tell her everything that you've said here and re-affirm that you love your wife as she needs to hear it. By telling your wife that the OW contacted you, broke NC, shows your wife that you are telling her what is going on and not hiding ANY information from her anymore. This is absolutely right. You have an opportunity here to 1) be honest with your wife, and 2) tell her that you're not pining after OW, and holding the line against her advances. This will demonstrate to your W that you are serious about putting the A behind you and rebuilding your connection with her. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Matty I think she was way too pushy and rude... she was totally out of line to ask you all those questions, tell you all those stories, etc. And ordering you to stay on the phone after you said you had WORK issues to get back to?!? If I acted like that with ANY of my male "work buddies," they'd think I was psycho and they'd never take a phone call from me ever again!! (Of course, I haven't slept with any of them, so it's not really the same thing.) But still... Of course, we are only getting your side of the story. Come to think of it, are you sharing this with us because you're getting a thrill out of reporting that a hot woman is still chasing you?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Of course, we are only getting your side of the story. Yes, we usually only get ONE side of the story as it is the OP's thread. Same goes for every single person who posts on LS, we only hear one side. There are 3 sides of the truth. His, the ex-OW and the actual truth. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Yes, we usually only get ONE side of the story as it is the OP's thread. Same goes for every single person who posts on LS, we only hear one side. There are 3 sides of the truth. His, the ex-OW and the actual truth. And only 2 of these can be known! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 Matty I think she was way too pushy and rude... she was totally out of line to ask you all those questions, tell you all those stories, etc. And ordering you to stay on the phone after you said you had WORK issues to get back to?!? If I acted like that with ANY of my male "work buddies," they'd think I was psycho and they'd never take a phone call from me ever again!! (Of course, I haven't slept with any of them, so it's not really the same thing.) But still... Of course, we are only getting your side of the story. Come to think of it, are you sharing this with us because you're getting a thrill out of reporting that a hot woman is still chasing you?? No, I'm not getting a thrill out of it. Not anymore. Infact it brought me down last night- like I said the last couple of days I'd been feeling better I said a couple of times 'Look, people are waiting for me, I have to go' She said ' why? You're their boss, just tell them to wait' then started a whole new conversation! If she was so concerned and worried about me, why has it taken her till after all her partying and work stuff to see if I'm ok? I'm guessing all her 'great friends' have their own lives and she was sitting there bored and filling time by calling me When we were together I made her a CD of my favourite tracks. yesterday she said ' I play the CD every morning while I get dressed' then said ' Are you playing it, over and over?' I think she's getting off on the idea that I'm sitting here pining for her. I may be confused, but even I know that is not a loving action Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 No, I'm not getting a thrill out of it. Not anymore. Infact it brought me down last night- like I said the last couple of days I'd been feeling better I said a couple of times 'Look, people are waiting for me, I have to go' She said ' why? You're their boss, just tell them to wait' then started a whole new conversation! If she was so concerned and worried about me, why has it taken her till after all her partying and work stuff to see if I'm ok? I'm guessing all her 'great friends' have their own lives and she was sitting there bored and filling time by calling me When we were together I made her a CD of my favourite tracks. yesterday she said ' I play the CD every morning while I get dressed' then said ' Are you playing it, over and over?' I think she's getting off on the idea that I'm sitting here pining for her. I may be confused, but even I know that is not a loving action I suspect she wouldn't be trying all these mind manipulations (I call them "brain-f*cks" but that's another story!!) UNLESS SHE KNEW THEY WOULD WORK ON YOU. Flip the script, Matty!! In a way, she won; she still has control over you (you're thinking about her). Don't let her do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mattym Posted December 8, 2007 Author Share Posted December 8, 2007 I suspect she wouldn't be trying all these mind manipulations (I call them "brain-f*cks" but that's another story!!) UNLESS SHE KNEW THEY WOULD WORK ON YOU. Flip the script, Matty!! In a way, she won; she still has control over you (you're thinking about her). Don't let her do it. Yes, ou're right- I am thinking about her- I'm forcing myself to alter what I'm thinking about but it is a struggle at times But you know, a month ago I'd have used last nights chat as an excuse to call her today & follow-on from that chat. i haven't, and what's more have no desire to speak to her. I see that as a positive thing. Instead I'd rather come here and get sound advice as it gives me moral strength. thank you Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Yes, ou're right- I am thinking about her- I'm forcing myself to alter what I'm thinking about but it is a struggle at times But you know, a month ago I'd have used last nights chat as an excuse to call her today & follow-on from that chat. i haven't, and what's more have no desire to speak to her. I see that as a positive thing. Instead I'd rather come here and get sound advice as it gives me moral strength. thank you Matty, she can't give you WHAT YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE. It's in the palm of your hand. If you're hot, you're hot!! And I believe your W is fully aware of that! although she may not have given it the care & feeding you would prefer, it doesn't mean you don't have it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I said a couple of times 'Look, people are waiting for me, I have to go' She said ' why? You're their boss, just tell them to wait' then started a whole new conversation! Grow some! Seriously Matty, you owe her NOTHING. You didn't have to stay on the phone with her - You said I have to go, twice. Why twice? After the first time of saying it, you hang-up the phone. Why did you engage her further and talk to her on the phone, keeping the conversation going? These are things you have control over. She calls, don't answer. An unknown caller calls, you answer, you realize it's her - You hang up. Infact, you don't even have to talk to her or say anything because you owe her NOTHING. She knows NC is in place and she does not care one bit about you or your marriage, or the fact you're trying to work on things at home. It is all one big game to her. By talking to her, you're allowing her POWER. Hang up the phone, man! If she was so concerned and worried about me, why has it taken her till after all her partying and work stuff to see if I'm ok? I'm guessing all her 'great friends' have their own lives and she was sitting there bored and filling time by calling me Who cares??? who cares, who cares! YOU SHOULDN'T even be thinking about this stuff. She is the enemy so to speak! She doesn't 'care' about your wellbeing, she cares when it suits HER best. She doesn't 'care' about what is best for you. But, I think you know this already...I'm just reminding you again... When we were together I made her a CD of my favourite tracks. yesterday she said ' I play the CD every morning while I get dressed' then said ' Are you playing it, over and over?' Eww. And eww. You know this is a game, she's waiting for you to pour it on and tell her that you miss her. DO NOT CAVE. Ignore this crap she's pulling. I think she's getting off on the idea that I'm sitting here pining for her. Only you know the truth if you are or aren't. I just hope to GOD you are NOT pining for her. If you are, it's only because you miss how she made YOU feel. I don't think you miss her as a person, you miss the feelings that were felt. Make sense? If so, get over it!!! I may be confused, but even I know that is not a loving action You are not confused by this one. What she is doing is NOT a loving action. It's a game playing SELFISH action...DO NOT get sucked into that crap anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Yes, ou're right- I am thinking about her- I'm forcing myself to alter what I'm thinking about but it is a struggle at times But you know, a month ago I'd have used last nights chat as an excuse to call her today & follow-on from that chat. i haven't, and what's more have no desire to speak to her. I see that as a positive thing. Instead I'd rather come here and get sound advice as it gives me moral strength. thank you Fantastic!!! You are doing much better than you were a week ago, even afew weeks ago. The more you learn and change your behaviour when it comes to her, the less inclined you'll be to think about her PERIOD! Remember: She is not your friend. She is poison, a cancer to you and your marriage. Her intentions are NOT good and only self serving HER! It is positive now by how you're handling this and really realizing that she isn't worth your time, energy, thoughts. Keep going down this path and things will get easier day by day, Matty! Link to post Share on other sites
BestAdvisor1 Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 Matty, she's disespecting you BIG TIME talking about her partying, guys chasing after her...and what's up with the question about you and your wife sleeping in the same bad. Next time she call, don't answer and if you do be cold, tell her you love your wife more than you ever loved her, and take control. Tell her to never call you again because you had your fun and it's done. You're back to your wife because she's the love of your wife and not just a piece of axx. DON'T call her if she doesn't call you. I can't believe you let her play you like that. Do you think your wife and kids would be proud of you? Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I know I am going to get flamed for this - but I think its very possible that she isnt playing games but is hurt and just misses you. I have found it near impossible to keep to NC with my ex mm. Even now its a daily stuggle not to text him or whatever. . . You could argue that my actions of getting in touch with him while he is clearly working on his marriage are not actions of love as I'm not respecting his decisions blah blah, but thats bull. My actions were the actions of somebody who is very hurt because they had fallen in love. its easier to think of her as a manipulative cow - I'm sure. But it may not be the case. You must have had something with her to have an affair - perhaps she is just having a hard time letting you go and misses you. Maybe she would find it all easier if she knew you were missing her too? Just my opinion. . . . Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I know I am going to get flamed for this - but I think its very possible that she isnt playing games but is hurt and just misses you. I have found it near impossible to keep to NC with my ex mm. Even now its a daily stuggle not to text him or whatever. . . You could argue that my actions of getting in touch with him while he is clearly working on his marriage are not actions of love as I'm not respecting his decisions blah blah, but thats bull. My actions were the actions of somebody who is very hurt because they had fallen in love. its easier to think of her as a manipulative cow - I'm sure. But it may not be the case. You must have had something with her to have an affair - perhaps she is just having a hard time letting you go and misses you. Maybe she would find it all easier if she knew you were missing her too? Just my opinion. . . .stunned, I would never flame you, and there could easily be truth in what you say. But.... matty wants to fix his marriage and it wouldn't be productive for him to look at it from your perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I agree 100% with reboot, though I do have to say, the behaviour of the ex-OW (recently and in the past) show more obsessive and manipulative and selfishess rather than love, caring and respect. Her actions in the past during the A are very questionable, and she displayed some very freaky behaviour too. Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. Link to post Share on other sites
imstunned Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I havent read the whole thread recently - but I am aware that she has issues- but that dosent mean that what everyone is assuming about her is true. Matt has addmitted in some of his posts that he led her on - perhaps thats why she is could be taking it hard. I was just suggesting that she may be acting the way she is out of hurt, rather than pure manupulation. I knew nobody would agree with me. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I knew nobody would agree with me. This isn't true. But try to understand that what reboot said has to take precedence here. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 I hope it didnt' sound like I was dismissing what you said imstunned, it's just that Matty's focus has to be on recovery with his wife, and part of the recovery is pushing ANY kind of thoughts about the ex-OW out of his head, so for him to ponder her intentions of calling him, if it was ego driven or because she loves him, doesn't really matter anymore. I hope this makes sense to you... I also think you shouldn't be comparing your situation to this one...I know you're hurting alot still and my heart goes out to you stunned, and maybe you can empathize with the OW in his situation, but maybe go back to his original thread (go to Matty's profile and click on all threads by Mattym) and you can read more about the type of woman she is. This is why many of us feel that the ex-OW's intentions are not pure and kind hearted. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 I havent read the whole thread recently - but I am aware that she has issues- but that dosent mean that what everyone is assuming about her is true. Matt has addmitted in some of his posts that he led her on - perhaps thats why she is could be taking it hard. I was just suggesting that she may be acting the way she is out of hurt, rather than pure manupulation. I knew nobody would agree with me. Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings and motivations onto matty's OW. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 9, 2007 Share Posted December 9, 2007 Don't make the mistake of projecting your feelings and motivations onto matty's OW. Stunned's situation was a lot different from Matty's. She got a hold of a real sh*tty piece of work in her (unsuspected) MM -- at least Matty has a heart! And Matty's OW knows EXACTLY what she's doing. Totally different animal, in my book. Come to think of it -- I think Matty's xOW should get together with Stunned's xMM. It would be a match made in hell. They deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
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