My Wife found out about me

[OWoman]

What if she had gone through with it, and killed herself? The note mentions me - her family would be curious what my R was with her...I can't even begin to think about how that would have looked- they might have blamed me for her depressed state..

 

Matt - I don't mean to sound heartless here, but that's really not your problem. Yes, you led her on. Yes, you opened the door and gave her the gap by breaking NC. Yes, you had lunch with her. But...

 

... does that warrant suicide? People have their hearts broken all the time. It's life. You're responsible for your behaviour, and yours only. Her behaviour is her issue. If she wants to kill herself that is HER choice and hers only. Nothing you do or say can take that responsibility away from her.

 

If she's depressed, let her go to a doctor and get herself better. Her health is HER issue, not yours.

 

If you want to help her, make it clean. The more you keep the door open for her, the more she's able to fan whimpers of hope, the longer it takes her to heal or you to move on.

 

Or your wife to forget.

[mattym]

WHY IS SHE STILL IN YOUR CONTACTS?!!!! If I were your wife and found that she was still in your contacts, you'd be out the door sailing off the pointy end of my shoe!

 

I have to communicate with her from time to time for work reasons - that's how we met, but I take your point

[mattym]

Matt - I don't mean to sound heartless here, but that's really not your problem. Yes, you led her on. Yes, you opened the door and gave her the gap by breaking NC. Yes, you had lunch with her. But...

 

... does that warrant suicide? People have their hearts broken all the time. It's life. You're responsible for your behaviour, and yours only. Her behaviour is her issue. If she wants to kill herself that is HER choice and hers only. Nothing you do or say can take that responsibility away from her.

 

If she's depressed, let her go to a doctor and get herself better. Her health is HER issue, not yours.

 

If you want to help her, make it clean. The more you keep the door open for her, the more she's able to fan whimpers of hope, the longer it takes her to heal or you to move on.

 

Or your wife to forget.

 

I understand what you're saying. The other day I thought ' all she needs to be happy is for me to say 'i'm leaving my family, lets be together' and to do it, then she'll be happy'

 

Thats not a price I'm willing to pay - ruin 3 other lives to make her feel better?

 

I am still very attracted to her, and it's dangerous for me to spend time with her, I know that

 

Other than physical attributes, my W beats her hands down in every other respect. But when I thinkback 8 years ago to when I met my W I felt that way about her - couldnt wait to jump in the sack with her! - probably giving too much away now...LOL

[cj1988]

I understand what you're saying. The other day I thought ' all she needs to be happy is for me to say 'i'm leaving my family, lets be together' and to do it, then she'll be happy'

 

Thats not a price I'm willing to pay - ruin 3 other lives to make her feel better?

 

I am still very attracted to her, and it's dangerous for me to spend time with her, I know that

 

Other than physical attributes, my W beats her hands down in every other respect. But when I thinkback 8 years ago to when I met my W I felt that way about her - couldnt wait to jump in the sack with her! - probably giving too much away now...LOL

 

 

Matty, then you are most definitely NOT in love with this OW. It is totally physical you just adnmitted that....I wish it was just physical with my H....I know it was not because I look 100 times better than her any day of the week by all standards. She just made him feel wanted and needed, I am independent, he is not.......

[JamesM]

I have to communicate with her from time to time for work reasons - that's how we met, but I take your point

 

My suggestion is to take her name out of your list. Then if you need to contact her for work, you will have to think twice about doing it. Hopefully, the face of your wife will pop into your head before you say anything that may damage your marriage further.

 

It takes more thought to pus seven to ten buttons than it does to push one. And besides, if you don't have her number memorized, then it takes even longer.

 

Whatever it takes to stay with your wife...this should be your motto. Otherwise, at your present rate of destruction, you may lose your wife and gain the OW. THEN you will realize what you had and what you lost.

 

Fool's gold looks great until you try to cash it in for retirement.

[whichwayisup]

This is the first time I've actually seen you really open up and talk about your wife. Keep doing that..

 

You DO see now that the NC is so important, OW is NOT around, she's not in your head.

Fantastic that you're finding a new job, the sooner the better.

 

Anyway I got angry and told her she's ruining her life, and making herself look bad. It all came out then & I told her that I'm glad she'd never met my kids and that I'd never left my W for her, since she'd have been off now with another guy and I'd have nothing

She went crazy and told me to 'F--- off'

 

Keep feeling that anger inside you about her. Blah blah blah, you know what's what now and don't let your emotions (NOT love, feelings of attachment, lust and ego) rule you on this. OW manipulated you once again with the song and dance about suicide. I don't believe that for a second.

 

I also wish you hadn't gone to lunch with her.

 

She spoke to me again later that day and I apologised for upsetting her, and told her I just found contact with her difficult and uncomfortable.

 

And I also wish you'd stop saying sorry to her. She still has you by the balls and until you can look her straight in the face and say to her, "It's over and I want nothing to do with you, leave me alone, don't talk to me, don't email me, don't call me" and mean every word, she's going to have power over you because the emotional side of you won't let her go.

 

All I know is, if your wife now finds out about the latest, you actually could lose 3 people that you love....Don't let that happen!

[Computers]

To top it all she got blind drunk - so much so I had to take her home. Nothing happened and I left

 

I bet that if she was not completely blind drunk and made the first move, you would have slept with her again and going backward for 2-3 months. You see the danger with keeping any type of contact with her, especially when you're alone? What were you thinking going out with her alone and then going home with her?

 

 

Anyway I spoke to her everyday and she had guys coming over to her while she was there, one in particular hitting on her, asking her to join him for a drink etc. She told me more from a point of view that she was rude to him, as from what I gather he was talking to her chest rather than her, but I have to say it did make me think

 

Maybe if you wife hooked up with one of those men, you will get some taste of your own medicine, maybe then you will stop all contact with this OW.

Edited January 24, 2008 by Computers

[OWoman]

Thats not a price I'm willing to pay - ruin 3 other lives to make her feel better?

 

Errr Matt, sorry to be the one to break this to you, but this IS what you're doing.

 

Only, making her FEEL better is not making her BETTER. Nor is it making anything better for anyone else.

 

Least of all you.

[norajane]

Life at home is ok, but the A sits like a huge elephant in the room still every day. My wife tells me that she still thinks about it every single day. She says that she loves me, but is worried that the thoughts of it will never go away.

 

We've been telling you all along that your wife may ultimately decide to leave you because she just can't get over the affair. Her initial thoughts may be to try to hold the family together, but if it's too hard and if she finds out you are STILL having little lunches with OW and taking her home, your wife may reach her breaking point and decide she can't deal with this anymore.

 

This isn't going to 'go away' for your wife for a long, long time. I hope you always have it in the forefront of your mind that you are in a 'trial period' with your wife where every action you take is something she is going to weigh in her mind to see if it's worth swallowing the bitter cheating pill in order to stay with you. You can still lose her.

 

We've booked a holiday for this year which we are looking forward to, and last week we went out as a couple to a party together & got the grandparents to look after the kids. We haven't done that for years, and it felt nice...although strange, and was hard not to just spend the evening discussing the kids

That's great - you need to do a lot more of this kind of thing together to reconnect as a romantic couple, not as parents.

Last week my wife went away for 4 days to a wedding. Not pratcical for us all to go as the kids are at school etc. She didn't want to go as she's never been away from the kids, but I suggested it would be a good idea to give her a break from routine etc

And your wife needs to take more time for herself! You are away from the children every day - it can get very wearing on her to always be so utterly responsible for their every need. She needs a break to stay in touch with who she is as a woman, not just as a mother. And she needs a break to actually interact with other adults, and not children all day.

 

Hire a sitter once a week, and give her a chance to go out and get her nails done, meet with friends, go to the gym, whatever. Make regular date-nights with your wife so you two get a chance to look into each other's eyes across the dinner table and flirt. She's a lot more than a mommy, and she deserves some a fun night out, too. Maybe if you had been doing this all along, you wouldn't have desired anther woman, but would have desired the one you have.

 

She went away and I went out with her and she bought some new clothes - a dress in particular which made her look stunning. I have to say she is looking good lately, although her confidence has taken a hit because of my behaviour. Anyway I spoke to her everyday and she had guys coming over to her while she was there, one in particular hitting on her, asking her to join him for a drink etc.

Yes, just because you are bored with her and look for excitement outside your marriage with another woman, doesn't mean your wife isn't hot and other men won't find her attractive. Again, you should not be so 100% certain that she is 'yours'. She may decide she'd rather start fresh with someone who hasn't cheated on her if she doesn't see that you are committed to making this up to her and to making your marriage work.

 

I also spent these 4 days being the sole carer for the kids. I've nevr done that before. I've cooked, cleaned, bathed them, got the eldest ready for school, read them their stories and seen to them in the night if they woke up, and it's been fun but exhausting.

 

It has made me realise how much my wife does here at home. I've been guilty of saying in the past that I go out and work long hours so she can sit at home, and I realise now it isn't quite as easy as that

I hope you can retain this new-found appreciation of what your wife does for your family.

 

As for the ( now ex) OW...

The rest of your post is just...ugh. You really don't seem to get it how much you have to lose by continuing contact with OW, and you seem all too willing to sabotage your reconciliation with your wife, and you seem all too willing to put yourself in a position where you could end up having sex with OW again.

 

Do we need to remind you again that OW is manipulating you with these suicide threats? Didn't she already try this on you once before?

 

Maybe you are one of those guys who really has to lose everything in order to value what you had with your wife and children. Keep up this contact with OW and you will lose it all.

Edited January 25, 2008 by norajane

[mattym]

I think like so many guys in my shoes, and with their heads in the fog, it's so hard not to see the OW as this glittering attractive fantasy.

 

I could only ever see her for a limited time, stolen hours here and there before & after work- all so exciting compared to screaming kids and baths and dinners to make- and an exhausted wife

 

Yet whenever I speak to OW I notice how very self-absorbed she is. Her conversations are almost always about herself

 

She's very career minded ( had an abortion as it was in the way of a promotion a few years ago) - when she's 'up' she's bouncy but when she's criticised at work or whatever she becomes suicidal like the other week and sees herself as valueless

 

I know I must go totally NC, there is no halfway house. I've tried it and it doesn't work. As someone said , if she'd made a move would I have been strong enough? I fell like her little puppet and I'm sick of it

 

Got home from work tonight and my W looked so beautiful. My life at home is not exciting but I know that she cares about me. OW? I know she liked the idea of a ready-made family, but anything else I'm not so certain...

[mattym]

Did you tell your wife she looked beautiful?

 

That elephant is going to be around for awhile. Do you really think she's going to be able to forget about your A so easily and quickly? You put that elephant there, so just feed it peanuts, focus on your wife, and quit complaining about it until it quietly ambles away.

 

yeah i did actually. We hugged and she said ' we have to try and put this behind us' - and she's right, although it's not 'we' it's 'me' - I can't save this OW I know that...just didn't want to be the cause of anything. her writing to me on a suicide note freaked me out TBH

[norajane]

can't save this OW I know that...just didn't want to be the cause of anything. her writing to me on a suicide note freaked me out TBH

 

You are still so gullible and subject to manipulation. What makes you believe there was ever any suicide note, that she wrote anything to you on it, or that any of that ever happened? How do you know she didn't make the whole thing up to get your sympathy or to make you feel guilty?

[whichwayisup]

Matty, your wife still has NO idea that you and the OW have had conversations and once every few weeks are talking. Until you own up to your wife that YOU are in NC with the OW, but the OW isn't leaving you alone and you find it hard to ignore her, maybe telling your wife WILL make you stop once and for all. Sadly, maybe you DO need to be kicked out of your house so you can FEEL some sort of consquences of your actions.

[mattym]

Matty, your wife still has NO idea that you and the OW have had conversations and once every few weeks are talking. Until you own up to your wife that YOU are in NC with the OW, but the OW isn't leaving you alone and you find it hard to ignore her, maybe telling your wife WILL make you stop once and for all. Sadly, maybe you DO need to be kicked out of your house so you can FEEL some sort of consquences of your actions.

 

You're right- you know 3 or 4 days go by and she is just on the distant horizon in my mind. Then she'll call and initially I think 'i'm not answering' , but that seems childish and something wants me to answer, so i do...10 mins later she's all over my mind again

 

I mean, risking my M for sex and excitement was bad, but to risk it for a few phone calls is ridiculous...

[whichwayisup]

Then she'll call and initially I think 'i'm not answering' , but that seems childish

That's actually called no contact mode. And it is not childish at all. What's childish is, you allowing yourself to call her back or answer the phone. You're a husband and a father, not a single man. You have responsibilities, so playing a stupid game with the OW and getting your ego fed IS childish.

 

Matty, it's time to ***** or get off the pot.

 

What's it going to take for you to get the OW out of your life completely? And, are you 100% sure that you want her out of your life? See, your actions don't meet your words.

[mattym]

That's actually called no contact mode. And it is not childish at all. What's childish is, you allowing yourself to call her back or answer the phone. You're a husband and a father, not a single man. You have responsibilities, so playing a stupid game with the OW and getting your ego fed IS childish.

 

Matty, it's time to ***** or get off the pot.

 

What's it going to take for you to get the OW out of your life completely? And, are you 100% sure that you want her out of your life? See, your actions don't meet your words.

 

I do, yes

 

As I siad, the more I've spoken to her, since the PA ended, the more I've noticed how self-absorbed she is

 

Everything is about her. Her job, her feelings, her troubles. My M is in tatters, but she's doing the decent thing she thinks and not having a PA with me now so I can rebuild things with my W?! Then she'll call at 2.30am! WTF?

 

She cant go an hours lunch without getting drunk. Imagine that if my kids were there

 

By contrast, when things are going great for her, or she's busy, she never calls. It's all always about her. Thats not who I want to spend my life with

[whichwayisup]

Next time she calls you at 2am, SCREAM at her NEVER TO F*KEN call you again. Then IGNORE HER.

 

I'm still waiting for you to actually get PISSED OFF and say ENOUGH is ENOUGH, stand up for yourself and tell her go piss off forever! Then the NC will be easier because you'll your mind/heart will be one against her.

 

She's not worth it Matty. She doesn't give two craps about you and your marriage at all. All she cares about is the cat and mouse game, getting attention and enjoying watching you suffer.

[whichwayisup]

This I agree with. There's NO good reason for her to have your cell number. If you can't block/delete her, then change your cell. Sure, it'll be a pain in the butt, but it's worth it. Atleast those 2am calls will stop...(She IS calling the cell right? And not your home number? If she has your home number, I suggest you change that as well.) One question. WHY do you keep your cell on overnight? Most I know turn theirs off...Maybe it's time for you to do the same thing.

[mattym]

It's a hangover from when I started seeing her- I got a thrill from her middle of the night texts and early morning texts. they would come thick & fast every morning soon as she was awake ' I love you, can't stop thinking about you' - after only a few weeks. Maybe I should have thought that isn't quite normal, but hey I enjoyed the attention

 

But you're right, cell should go off

 

I never gave her my home number. I always thought 'if this goes wrong, she can phone my wife' - maybe my instincts were telling me something

[whichwayisup]

Yes, especially since the A is over...You need to turn your cell off and not wait in antisipation that the OW is going to call/text you. Is that why you've still had it on all night? In hopes you'll get that rush again if she contacted you? If so, man Matty, I'm kicking your ass right now...TURN IT OFF AT NIGHT! Change your cell number, the OW has NO reason to be intouch at all. She is not a friend of yours, she never was.

[mattym]

yes, maybe that was partly the reason. the other not so exciting reason was it has an alarm so I'm not late for work! LOL

[whichwayisup]

Yes, if she had your home number, you can bet your children's lives on the line that the OW would be calling you alot. Possibly calling too, to talk to your wife and try to make more trouble in hopes that everything would blow up.

Remember, this woman DID want to replace herself as your wife and be stepmom to your children. YUCK!!!!!

[whichwayisup]

Matty, spend 20 bucks or so and BUY yourself a real alarm clock. Problem solved.

 

NO more cell on at night.

[mattym]

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but she'd go out shopping and call me and say stuff like ' I've seen a dress- your daughter would love it' - my daughter is only 5, and never even met OW!

 

She'd buy them things then say ' why wont you let me have the chance to meet them and give them these gifts myself?'

 

felt very awkward

[whichwayisup]

It felt very awkward because you knew it was wrong. Still is..

 

Okay, so on the way home from work, are you going to buy yourself a new alarm clock?