My Wife found out about me

[OpenBook]

This is the first post I have seen from a MM talking about ending an affair and the first time we have seen proof of a MM asking about using the "kids" as an excuse. Here is it for all the OW that have said that he really does stay for the kids, and believe that if there were no kids, the MM would be with the OW.

 

Pay close attention to what this man is saying. He doesn't want the wrath of a pissed off OW, and he knows if he uses the kids, the OW will just think he is being a good father. This is how the "stay for the kids" excuse works.

 

Yes, pay close attention. This MM can't get the OW off his mind. "I think about her - Constantly." "She made me feel alive." "Both of them in my life made me feel complete." "No way would I leave my W and kids for her."

 

He was happy until the OW started making demands on him. Then he freaked, and decided he didn't want her anymore. So he passively-aggressively accidentally-on purpose left his phone for the W to discover, hoping she would take charge and fix everything.

 

The OW backed off and gave him a week to talk to his W. During that time of NC, he couldn't get her off his mind.

 

Aargh. I'll never fall in love again.

[Hurt & Alone]

Ok, I have come to the tale end of this conversation and read alot of the thread but had to skip some parts so if what I type here has already been stated then I apologize now for that.

 

First thing I noticed is the advice to Matt is coming from BS mainly woman and it is very clear that because you were the BS most of the posts here slander the OW and that she is less than a person because she was involved with a MM or because of past relationships she does not deserve to be let down with dignity. BULL SH**. This is just outrageous, the OW regardless of her past deserves some dignity, the two were involved in this situation not just one. RIGHT or WRONG it happened. Yes, the BS is hurt and yes he needs to consider the W's feelings about this but, NO the wife does not need to be there when he tells her. I say there because if there were true feelings on both parties, face to face would be the most appropriate way to handel the situation. On the phone or via e-mail will just make the way the OW unable to accept his decsion. She is owed something from him regardless of what anyone here thinks. Because you were hurt you throw every OW to the trash. He stated he loved both woman, is it possible? Yes, it is possible to love more than one person. Each indvidual has thier own traits that make them different from another and a person can love the traits of each because they are different people.

 

Matt, this advice will come from my own personal exp. When you tell the OW, let her know the truth of why you are choosing what you are, if you truly have/had feelings for her, she needs to know this too. She does need to be told face to face. Woman in general need to see the person when they are being told news that will later haunt them. Affairs happen all the time and someone(s) will be devestated if feelings were involved. With out this respect she will not have the ability to move on and may just continue to try and get the answers that you should have rightfully already told her. this is just mo, you do what you think you need to do but everyone deserves dignity.

[NoIDidn't]

Many excuses will be brought out, but what it always comes down to is the guy didn't want to face the conflict.

 

Or face the mirror.

 

Matt has also said that he doesn't want to feel like a b*stard for leading the OW on.

 

Too late for that.

 

The opportunity to not have that feeling passed when he continued the deceit just one more time, and one more time, and so on until his W found out.

 

What I can't understand though is why is it okay to be a sh**tty to one's spouse but not to the OP? I would think that its the other way around. I don't think its fair to the person the MM claims to want to spend the rest of their life with if they can't allow the OP to honestly know its the end and the real reasons for it. Just how will his W feel if he tells the OW its for the kids and she finds out about it?

 

I told my H if he was staying for the kids, I would pack his bags for him and book a hotel because I didn't need anyone staying with me for the kids. I told him I would make plans for my free weekends, so he could spend as much time as he needed to with those "kids" he was supposedly going to stay for, if that was the case. He told me, "I know you and I know that if you ever suspected that, that I would be out on my a&&. So no, I am here with you because with you is where I want to be."

 

I think calling someone a conflict avoider is a nice way of saying they are a coward. No offense to anyone who has been called such, mind you.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

This is the first post I have seen from a MM talking about ending an affair and the first time we have seen proof of a MM asking about using the "kids" as an excuse. Here is it for all the OW that have said that he really does stay for the kids, and believe that if there were no kids, the MM would be with the OW.

 

Pay close attention to what this man is saying. He doesn't want the wrath of a pissed off OW, and he knows if he uses the kids, the OW will just think he is being a good father. This is how the "stay for the kids" excuse works.

 

Herenow, I usually respect and heed your posts. But by claiming "Take Heed!" you're generalising.

 

I am an OW who has heard the BW in her situation ask her kids to get involved. Who has had her suicide attempts confirmed by the police. Who has seen her text messages, her desperate attempts of keeping her man. And she WAS desperate. I know that. For whatever reasons, personal to her she fought for her M.

 

The stay for the kidschestnut? I've heard it first hand. I distrusted everything my MM said for a while, including his W's suicide attempt. But I have WITNESSED her inclusion of her own kids in this situation. I have WITNESSED his pain, hearing his children cry. His youngest even said to him whilst I overheard, that he knew he would get a new daddy because his old daddy loved somebody new and he was very sad about this, but not as sad as mummy.

 

A man, who has strived all of his life for what he believes to be his duty. He simply loves his kids more than ANY relationship. More than the W. More than the OW. More than himself.

 

Dont get me wrong. If I hadn't have witnessed it, maybe I would have swung to your school of thought. But I have....

 

Dont give me the "Staying for the kids" justification. My BW used the "stay for the kids if nothing else" more than the "stay for me because I love you and I want to make this work". Thats not working on a M. Thats pleading for the continuation of a lifestyle, no matter how the H or W feel.

[Hurt & Alone]

Matt, sorry I forgot to post this in my outrage. Thank you for posting here, it is nice to see what a man actually thinks about the other.

[NoIDidn't]

He was happy until the OW started making demands on him. Then he freaked, and decided he didn't want her anymore. So he passively-aggressively accidentally-on purpose left his phone for the W to discover, hoping she would take charge and fix everything.

 

The OW backed off and gave him a week to talk to his W. During that time of NC, he couldn't get her off his mind.

 

Now THAT is how you spin a post! WOW!

[NoIDidn't]

My BW used the "stay for the kids if nothing else" more than the "stay for me because I love you and I want to make this work". Thats not working on a M. Thats pleading for the continuation of a lifestyle, no matter how the H or W feel.

 

But she used it in what should have been a private conversation between her and him. She didn't tell you to stay away for the kids' sake. She asked him to stay for the kids. ( or at least that's what he said, she said anyway)

 

That's the difference. Said between the actual married partners is totally different than telling some OP that you are staying married to someone else "for the kids". When said to the "other" the operative word is "staying". Not the "for the kids" part.

[Ladyjane14]

. Well done OW for speaking up in a forum many of us avoid.

 

Huh???

Has the thread topic changed then? "The Sisterhood" is mobilizing?

 

I thought this thread was about Mattym and his problem with an infidelity situation. (????)

[OpenBook]

He was happy until the OW started making demands on him. Then he freaked, and decided he didn't want her anymore. So he passively-aggressively accidentally-on purpose left his phone for the W to discover, hoping she would take charge and fix everything.

 

The OW backed off and gave him a week to talk to his W. During that time of NC, he couldn't get her off his mind.

 

Now THAT is how you spin a post! WOW!

 

I hope I'm wrong.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Huh???

Has the thread topic changed then? "The Sisterhood" is mobilizing?

 

I thought this thread was about Mattym and his problem with an infidelity situation. (????)

 

 

Ladyjane, you know as well as I do that agendas are being used in this thread. You said yourself in one of your earlier posts

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

But she used it in what should have been a private conversation between her and him. She didn't tell you to stay away for the kids' sake. She asked him to stay for the kids. ( or at least that's what he said, she said anyway)

 

That's the difference. Said between the actual married partners is totally different than telling some OP that you are staying married to someone else "for the kids". When said to the "other" the operative word is "staying". Not the "for the kids" part.

 

Nope. She asked her 12 year old daughter to talk to me. Her eight year old son was asked to speak to me on the phone. These were not private conversations.

 

What I'm trying to convey is that in this thread, the OW is the nasty horrible man-eating homewrecking OW. The W is the white linen, cry into an embroidered hanky, Carly Simon "Going around again" hero. It's all too cut and dried.

 

BW posters are giving their "Why think about OW? You're married!"! Ow are giving the "Don't throw OW under a bus" - but nothing is being said about Matty M?

 

All he has said is some wishy washy - "Yeah, I guess what I see what you mean?" and then disappeared from the thread when he was asked by many to leave his OW.

 

I'm surprised that its the OW and the BW who are battling it out once again, forgetting that person who began all of this, who, I may add, there wouldnt have been the situation in the first place - the MM.

[whichwayisup]

Huh???

Has the thread topic changed then? "The Sisterhood" is mobilizing?

 

I thought this thread was about Mattym and his problem with an infidelity situation. (????)

 

Christ, no wonder the guy hasn't come back. He has OW telling him to 'respect his OW and put the OW's feelings first, and handle the OW with kid gloves'!

 

BOTTOMLINE - Matt, if you want to stay in your house as a family unit, stay married to your wife - You gotta end it with the OW. Choice is yours.

[herenow]

All he has said is some wishy washy - "Yeah, I guess what I see what you mean?" and then disappeared from the thread when he was asked by many to leave his OW.

 

I'm surprised that its the OW and the BW who are battling it out once again, forgetting that person who began all of this, who, I may add, there wouldnt have been the situation in the first place - the MM.

 

Actually I think that most of the BS here advised Matt to leave his wife if he still has feelings for the OW. All we are saying is if he decides that he wants to stay with his wife, and do what is necessary for his marriage to survive, he must go no contact with the OW in a way that is acceptable to his wife. Having said that, none of us know Matt, his wife or the OW so we can only give our opinion based on our own experiences.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Christ, no wonder the guy hasn't come back. He has OW telling him to 'respect his OW and put the OW's feelings first, and handle the OW with kid gloves'!

 

BOTTOMLINE - Matt, if you want to stay in your house as a family unit, stay married to your wife - You gotta end it with the OW. Choice is yours.

 

Lol you've definitely got a point there WWIU. He's probably shivering in a corner taking shifty glances at his computer.

 

Joking MattM, a MM's insight stirs debate an emotion in both BW and OW

[OpenBook]

She doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage and all that the vows entail

 

Now this one made me laugh. You're talking about the sanctity of marriage in a thread about the fallout from a MM's infidelity??

[Ladyjane14]

Well then, here's the original post in case some of you forgot it...

My behaviour has been terrible

 

My Wife and i have been together 7 years, married last 3 and have 2 wonderful young children

 

We have a nice house, kids are great and I am in a well-paid job with responsibility

 

For the last 3 months I have been having an affair with a co-worker, who is 6 years younger than my W and has no kids etc

 

Like all things, I never intended this to happen- the attraction for this woman made me feel so alive - like watching a B&W movie and someone turned the colour on. It's hard to describe, but it became addictive

 

When I met the OW she had a boyfriend. She told me there was no spark with them, nothing sexual ever happened and she was unhappy. A month or so after meeting me she dumped him, and kept mentioning all the things she was thinking about us - a future together where my kids came and stayed with us, where we had great holidays..even marriage for us.

 

I was having my cake and eating it, so i went along with it. On the way home i would always tell myself ' no way could I leave my W and Kids'

 

I still went back for more though

 

My friends told me that this woman would get P** off waiting for me and would put pressure on me to make a decision, which she did by withdrawing affection and suggesting she 'walk away' - by then though I was hooked on the good feelings of feeling like Casanova so tried to keep both happy

 

2 weeks ago my W found out by checking my phone and finding a text message from the OW. I'm not sure why I left my phone lying around- either I became complacent or maybe i wanted her to find it

 

I don't want or expect sympathy, but this double life has been exhausting and I feel I have physically aged in appearance. I've never lied to my wife before and I would buy her things or take her places to almost compensate for being the complete a**hole I have been

 

When my wife found out it was like I'd snapped back from being drunk to being sober. I begged her to forgive me, and assured her that i loved her

 

I'd hurt her terribly and I felt as though I did not deserve to live. Thankfully the kids are too young to realise what's gone on.

 

She has offered to make another go of things, and forgive me, but wants me to move jobs. Things are understanably tense at home

 

Now the problem - the OW is still on my mind

 

Constantly.

 

I was terrified when I thought my life with my W might be over, but even now it seems humdrum copared to the excitement I had. yet, I cannot see myself ever leaving my Wife and not seeing my kids grow up day by day

 

What do I do? Leave my Wife so she can find someone who deserves her trust? Make a go of things with the OW as she's on my mind?

 

If I'm honest having both in my life made me feel complete. I'm not justifying it, just saying how it was. I love my wife, but how can i really love her when i have behaved like this?

 

I'm disgusted with myself for being so shallow, for causing hurt to others and for being so weak and indecisive

 

any advise would be appreciated

 

It seems fairly clear to me that the OP is feeling very guilty about what he's done to his family. He appears to be troubled by the feasibility of overcoming his fixation on the OW, wondering if it's possible to repair his marriage or better simply to leave it.

 

The "OW's are people too" agenda doesn't seem to be particularly significant to his issue. If he had mentioned she was a goat or a duck... then maybe it would. Otherwise, it seems perfectly obvious that she's a person.

 

IMO, a love addiction is entirely surmountable. There's no reason why this guy can't put his family dynamic back together, recover a wholesome and loving relationship with his wife, and be a daily presence in his children's lives. His wife has given him the opportunity to do just that.

 

But his situation is extremely delicate. He's probably only got ONE CHANCE to save his home-deal, and if he f*cks it up... he's got a lifetime ahead of him to regret it.

 

How unkind is it then, to load him up with "agenda" rather than give him pointers on how he might accomplish his goals?

[norajane]

How unkind is it then, to load him up with "agenda" rather than give him pointers on how he might accomplish his goals?

 

Too late LadyJ. This thread has been loaded with agendas like an overworked and underpaid assistant at a business conference.

 

However, if matty can actually make it through the whole thing, he'll have a very clear view into the devastation wrought by affairs. It might help him to see beyond HIMSELF and understand that it's far easier to follow his ego into an affair than to repair the damage. No one is made whole no matter how he handles it. This is something he, his wife and family, and the OW will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

[OpenBook]

The "OW's are people too" agenda doesn't seem to be particularly significant to his issue.

 

Oh yeah? Doesn't look that way to me...

 

This other girl is on my mind - when i go to sleep, when i wake up, I wish sometimes I'd never met her.

 

Is it possible that i love them both?

 

I feel like a lovesick kid and that it turn makes me feel pathetic

 

I've been thinking about this for months. I love my W and the OW, and how to choose what to do?

 

I'm thinking of talking to OW tomorrow and ending it- any ideas how i do that with the minimum of distress to her? I have no desire to hurt her either

 

I felt like I loved 2 people at once and the decision was an awful one

 

I felt awful letting her down- I guess I thought things would naturally fizzle out over time , and didnt want to be like the stereotypical MM

 

I just feel like a b*stard doing it online or telephone

 

I do still care about the OW though - can't have that intimacy and not care about someone IMO, at least for a while

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

Too late LadyJ. This thread has been loaded with agendas like an overworked and underpaid assistant at a business conference.

 

However, if matty can actually make it through the whole thing, he'll have a very clear view into the devastation wrought by affairs. It might help him to see beyond HIMSELF and understand that it's far easier to follow his ego into an affair than to repair the damage. No one is made whole no matter how he handles it. This is something he, his wife and family, and the OW will have to live with for the rest of their lives.

 

Fair point NJ. The onus is on Matt.

[herenow]

only got ONE CHANCE to save his home-deal, and if he f*cks it up... he's got a lifetime ahead of him to regret it.

 

How unkind is it then, to load him up with "agenda" rather than give him pointers on how he might accomplish his goals?

 

Exactly, but once again we can only give him an opinion based on what we have learned from own personal life experiences.

 

Matt needs to be honest with his wife, the OW and most important himself. He is the one that needs to decide what it is he really wants. When he makes that decision, he will know who he should be loyal to. He can't have it both ways. There is no easy way to deal with the fallout of an affair. Someone will get hurt, sucks, but it's true. That's why forums like this exist.

[herenow]

I was just wondering what we would tell Matt's wife if she posted here. I would bet that if she came here with the same facts as Matt has stated about his affair, including his concern about the OW's feelings and his comments about his love for the OW and his wife, most of us would agree that she should leave him.

 

If this woman is giving Matt a second chance, one that some of us would not even entertain if we were in her shoes, then isn't she worthy of her feelings being the priority at this point? Especially if Matt wants his marriage to survive.

[norajane]

I was just wondering what we would tell Matt's wife if she posted here. I would bet that if she came here with the same facts as Matt has stated about his affair, including his concern about the OW's feelings and his comments about his love for the OW and his wife, most of us would agree that she should leave him.

 

She's a young mother of 2 children under 3 years old, and just found out her husband fancies himself in love with a woman he's been in a sexual affair with for 3 months, because he felt unappreciated. He said she's not eating, and he sees her sometimes just staring off into space.

 

I'd tell her to kick him out until and if he can start appreciating her and the stress and exhaustion she's been under to try to bear two children within three years, and to take care of those babies, all while he's off having sex with someone else. Until he shows her he's man enough to live up to the promises and commitments he signed up for when he married her and chose to become a parent.

 

But she's probably too afraid to do that...wondering how she'd take care of those small kids on her own. And she probably loves him, which will make her want to give him a second chance. In which case, I'd tell her to demand whatever she needs from him to ease her pain and fears, including no contact with the OW, including leaving his job, including marriage counseling and individual counseling for them both, including making sure he's on the short leash to come home immediately after work to help out at home, including whatever she needs to make sure he's not falling back in with the OW in terms of verifying his cell phone records and credit card records. And I'd tell her to find out exactly how much money he spent on OW and make sure he adds an equal amount to his kids' college funds, plus interest. And I'd tell her to tell her family and friends so she can get some SUPPORT through her pain, instead of protecting him and keeping quiet about the whole thing.

 

And I'd tell her to talk with a good lawyer so she's fully aware of her rights should she decide she really can't forgive, and really can't accept, and really can't rebuild the trust.

[herenow]

She's a young mother of 2 children under 3 years old, and just found out her husband fancies himself in love with a woman he's been in a sexual affair with for 3 months, because he felt unappreciated. He said she's not eating, and he sees her sometimes just staring off into space.

 

I'd tell her to kick him out until and if he can start appreciating her and the stress and exhaustion she's been under to try to bear two children within three years, and to take care of those babies, all while he's off having sex with someone else. Until he shows her he's man enough to live up to the promises and commitments he signed up for when he married her and chose to become a parent.

 

But she's probably too afraid to do that...wondering how she'd take care of those small kids on her own. And she probably loves him, which will make her want to give him a second chance. In which case, I'd tell her to demand whatever she needs from him to ease her pain and fears, including no contact with the OW, including leaving his job, including marriage counseling and individual counseling for them both, including making sure he's on the short leash to come home immediately after work to help out at home, including whatever she needs to make sure he's not falling back in with the OW in terms of verifying his cell phone records and credit card records. And I'd tell her to find out exactly how much money he spent on OW and make sure he adds an equal amount to his kids' college funds, plus interest. And I'd tell her to tell her family and friends so she can get some SUPPORT through her pain, instead of protecting him and keeping quiet about the whole thing.

 

And I'd tell her to talk with a good lawyer so she's fully aware of her rights should she decide she really can't forgive, and really can't accept, and really can't rebuild the trust.

 

Yeah baby, wish she were here to read that!

 

Now, what would you tell the OW? I'm going out on a limb here and assume that most of us would tell the OW that she deserves better and that he probably won't leave his wife so she should go NC with the MM immediately.

 

My point is, he is no real catch for either woman until he decides who it is he wants to be with. He won't be able to do that until he fixes what is missing in himself.

[Sheba]

I don't think the remarks about "agendas" are fair. I see a group of OW identifying with the OW and pleading for her to not be hurt, just as they wish(ed) not to be hurt. I see some BS who identify with the BS and are saying "who cares about the OW", just as they wish their own WH had never cared about the OW in their lives.

 

I was trying to answer Mattym. He said he wanted his marriage. If that is true, he needs to focus on the woman he made a spirtual and two living commitments with and to pay as much attention to HER needs as he has been paying to his own needs for the past several months. I don't say that because I identify with her - I have never been a BS - I say that because if I were in her shoes I would expect profound gestures of commitment from my H. I might want to dictate how he would end the affair. I would fully blame him, so I think I would not dictate anything which would be excessively hurtful to the OW.

 

I wouldn't be in the BS's shoes, by the way. I would not forgive this sort of betrayal. Mattym is a lucky man - he has a woman with a forgiving nature who is committed to him.

 

I think that the OW's feelings might be sacrificed to the altar of protecting the family unit, but I feel that unit is more important than she is: it includes two innocent children who are best served by having both their parents fully in their lives. If OW, an adult, ends up suffering a little so the BS/mother can get over the WH/father's stupidity - well, OW knew what she was getting into and she will have to call on her own resources to deal with the fall out. She should give a thought or two to those children she claimed to be willing to help raise.

 

Anyway, I think all of the sincerity and passion displayed by the posters who have answered this thread may be wasted on mattym. To me he seems a "cake eater". I believe he wants his marriage AND he selfishly wants to keep the OW feeling loved by him (by saying it is "for the children") because he enjoys her affection. He is rationalizing a reluctance to break the affair with a resounding goodbye because he would like to string the young woman along.

 

Set her free, Matty. Or set your wife free. Do one or the other soon, or Karma may come along and set them BOTH free and leave you high and dry, alone...

[Trialbyfire]

Now this one made me laugh. You're talking about the sanctity of marriage in a thread about the fallout from a MM's infidelity??

You bet baby. It's time for the man of the hour to piss or get off the pot. He has to make a decision and let that decision be decisive, none of this "I don't want to hurt the OWs feelings" at further expense to the sanctity of the marriage.

 

This is not a way for me to get "even" with the OW in my sitch. He bounced her painfully down the rocky road, at my request, in less than 24 hours after our discussion so I have no need to create a fantasy out of this guy's decision point.

 

What I can do is to read his comments and let him know that ALL betrayed spouses want the OW completely outted from the situation, in some form of definitive fashion. In order to give the marriage any kind of fighting chance, this HAS to happen.

 

Why OW feel they can give a man advice on how to salvage his marriage is laughable.