My Wife found out about me

[Mr. Lucky]

Too bad this thread's been taken so far OT. Not sure if we're doing the OP a service arguing about which agenda has been pushed by whom...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OpenBook]

To me he seems a "cake eater". I believe he wants his marriage AND he selfishly wants to keep the OW feeling loved by him (by saying it is "for the children") because he enjoys her affection. He is rationalizing a reluctance to break the affair with a resounding goodbye because he would like to string the young woman along.

 

Sheba, this is exactly what I fear is happening here. He did say that having both women in his life made him feel complete.

 

So much for the sanctity of marriage.

[Tomcat33]

I think that the OW's feelings might be sacrificed to the altar of protecting the family unit, but I feel that unit is more important than she is: it includes two innocent children who are best served by having both their parents fully in their lives. If OW, an adult, ends up suffering a little so the BS/mother can get over the WH/father's stupidity - well, OW knew what she was getting into and she will have to call on her own resources to deal with the fall out. She should give a thought or two to those children she claimed to be willing to help raise.

 

In all fairness it is still very recent for Matty, of course he will come off as a cake man given his comments here. It's understandable, he is confused. But that my not be his actual intent. He knows he wants to stay with his W yet still has very vivid feelings for the OW. It's still too fresh for him that is understandable and until he can break the cylce cleanly he will come off like this and continue in his confusion.

 

The misconception that a lot of BS that take back cheaters don't seem to want to realise is that these men really did have feelings for their OW, and just because they choose to go back to their marriages it does not mean that their feelings vanish magically with the decision that they have made. All the contrary the reality of how hard it is to work on the marriage only makes the thoughts of the OW more appealing and more alive. a cheater can decide all they want to end an A but that does not mean that the feelings follow.

HE will need time and persistance to stay on track. And I think he can do it if he sets his mind to it. Instead of discouraging him by pointing out the obvious why not offer him solutions that are best for all involved?

 

For me it is 5 momths post breakup and my exMM is still extremely messed up about it. Just this weekend he sent me a long love letter explaining what he is going through and how he is feeling and cannot stop thinking about me day in day out. For me the rel is OVER that is not the point. The point is I see all the regret that he feels for not being honest with me at the time we ended it and that is tying him to me and to what we had. His marriage is NEVER going to work like this, and whether you want to admit to yourselves or not Matty is going down the same path.

 

I am not going to tell him how to fix his marriage, that is for he and his W to figure out. I would not give him advice in that respect. But YES given my own experience and also given the type of rel I had with my exMM I can help in offering this poster some insight on what he may have to look forward to if he just runs away from the problem. He is already filled with doubt and is still feeling like he loves her THAt with time only compounds.

 

some of you may choose to laugh at my advice and quite frankly I could care less what you think of my advice but I think I can offer him some honest insight into how he can break the shackles with the OW in a way that is both beneficial to him and the long term well being of his marriage and even the OW. But if you choose to see it as my own agenda, which I will gain NOTHING personally from him confronting the OW, since it affects my own situation in no way or form, I can at least offer a bit of experience on what he may have to look forward to if he chooses to run away.

 

I think my advice and those who are on the other end who are simply telling him, like Silktricks said, to not avoid confrontation are doing so with the only intent to help him move on. The sad thing about these threads is that the passion these situations inspire only have some people looking out for the payback to their own baggage. I really don't see how that is helping this man in any way or form. He came here for help for himself, not to help those of you who carry unresolved issues to purge them via his situation.

 

And to think OP are deemed as the selfish ones.....

[Tomcat33]

Why OW feel they can give a man advice on how to salvage his marriage is laughable.

 

 

Why do you feel you can encourage a man to throw a woman under a bus that he professes to love, just because she was the OW?

He has to end it with the OW but he doesn't have to kill her in order to do so. Is that such a sick agenda to have? Like WWIU said if the OW persists beyond that all bets are off. But she deserves one chance at the truth done in a decent manner, because he was involved with her. Whether you want to accept it or not he had a relationship with her.

 

It's good for him and for the OW and most of all it is good for the W. If he kills now the chance of regret coming back to haunt him down the line there is a better chance he can actually heal and devote his attention where it is due, his W and marriage.

[OpenBook]

the reality of how hard it is to work on the marriage only makes the thoughts of the OW more appealing and more alive...

 

I see all the regret that he feels for not being honest with me at the time we ended it and that is tying him to me and to what we had.

 

Tomcat, do you really think it would have made any difference to him if he had ended it with you in a more honest way?

 

I'm not so sure... I've seen too many MM's come sniffing back around to their OW's months after the A is over -- regardless of how it ended.

 

Maybe Lizzie's right -- once a cheater, always a cheater. Once they get a "taste" of it, they get addicted and keep going back for more.

[whichwayisup]

Why do you feel you can encourage a man to throw a woman under a bus that he professes to love, just because she was the OW?

 

TC, he never TOLD the OW that he loved her. He confessed that to everyone here... Big difference...

 

Whether you want to accept it or not he had a relationship with her.

 

3 months isn't a 'real' relationship (you all know what I mean) as it's the honeymoon phase. Besides, he knows and sees the red flags but his 'emotions aka Mr Happy' isn't letting him THINK with the right head. The lust is taking over his better judgement....The inner voice is SCREAMING, red flags are waving - HE knows the OW isn't long term or forever - Maybe that's why he needs his eyes opened NOW, and harshly because in another month he could lose everything. And regret it big time..

[Trialbyfire]

Why do you feel you can encourage a man to throw a woman under a bus that he professes to love, just because she was the OW?

He has to end it with the OW but he doesn't have to kill her in order to do so. Is that such a sick agenda to have? Like WWIU said if the OW persists beyond that all bets are off. But she deserves one chance at the truth done in a decent manner, because he was involved with her. Whether you want to accept it or not he had a relationship with her.

 

It's good for him and for the OW and most of all it is good for the W. If he kills now the chance of regret coming back to haunt him down the line there is a better chance he can actually heal and devote his attention where it is due, his W and marriage.

While the ego-stroking need is still high in his system, this is the perfect time to take the definitive action of throwing her under the bus. It's a form of symbolic cleansing within himself. He would finally do the right thing, leaving no doors open and no room for misunderstandings.

 

If you read clearly, she knew he was married and dumped an unhappy relationship to hook up with him. She also cheated on a past relationship. That the affair would crash and burn should be no secret to anyone with 10 IQ points or more.

[Tomcat33]

Tomcat, do you really think it would have made any difference to him if he had ended it with you in a more honest way?

 

I'm not so sure... I've seen too many MM's come sniffing back around to their OW's months after the A is over -- regardless of how it ended.

 

Maybe Lizzie's right -- once a cheater, always a cheater. Once they get a "taste" of it, they get addicted and keep going back for more.

 

 

Yes it would and I'll tell you why. If he had been honest with me he would have killed any possibility for antyhing to ever happen between us down the line. By giving ambiguus reasons for going back with his W he left the door open to further contact with me if he chose to do so. As it happens in my particular situation and given my own decision I have closed the door on it for good, it was my doing and I stand by it. but because he went about it in such a deceitful way only proves to me, he had no intentions of being honest to his W. He wanted to keep the door open with me. And that is excactly what has happened. This has turned me off immensely, but on the same token it has tied him to the guilt.

 

There is a lot more that I would have to share in order to explain this better but I can't do it here publicly for ovious personal reasons of not exposing more of my story than I need to. Seeing the dynamic from my end of things has offered me a lot more insight into how complex the end of As really are. And being privied to this man's thoughts through his own admission makes me see things in a better light.

[smoochygirl]

If you stopped trying to push your own agenda that comes from a place of greed rather than a place of giving, you would see that what this poster has said and continues to say throughout this thread is that he feels wrong and feels bad, "like a bas#$%d" to be exact were his words, if he were to dump the OW via email.

Only HE knows what happened between he and the OW and why he feels he owes her more than just an emial dump. maybe he has made promises to her that he feels bad about WE DON'T know.

 

 

So what is best for him is to actually LISTEN to what he is saying and advice him on that. Do you think you can put your own selfish agenda aside for one second and actually hear what this man is saying?

 

 

Tc i don't think it's for their own agenda, I think they are very much right. What i think is matt supposed to do right now since he very much care about the feeling of this OW, he should just let go of his wife and be with this OW. I wouldn't want my husband to be with me while he is torn. I would definitely don't want a husband who continuously think of OW after d-day. He should be repairing His M right now and begging his W for forgiveness. If he love his kid's the best thin he can do for them is to love their mother.

[luvstarved]

Well I think the OPs silence is due to one of two things...

 

Either he has done something decisive and is dealing with the ramifications of it, or he is maintaining the status quo and doesn't have the nerve to come back and say so.

 

My guess it that he has moved on from the Bond/Casanova fantasy into the romance novel "torn between two lovers" drama. I think that he somewhat enjoys the notion of two women wanting to be with him, knowing about each other...and having a telepathic catfight over him. That's a very nice ego boost too! And being self-centric by portraying the whole thing in terms of HIS inner turmoil and agony.

 

I appreciated the guy's honesty but I am not able to cough up any admiration for him. He just seems like the typical cheater who justifies himself by acting like he wants to protect and please everyone involved. His actions and most of his words indicate that he really only cares about pleasing himself. He tries to make himself seem a better character by claiming that "love" is all around. Then he tries to twist himself into a victim or martyr by worrying that the OW risked nothing, while he did. But then he reveals himself by talking about the humdrum life with the wife.

 

It isn't that those feelings are uncommon. When you get right down to it, we are all selfish to varying degrees. What really gripes me here is what is the clear lack of love for either of these two women, based on how he has presented himself. And the fact that he wanted to essentially "soften the blow" by making it about his kids. What a buttload of crap. The reason I am guessing for that excuse is a) the martyr/good Dad thing b) skirt any accusations of lying about his feelings c) leave that door a wee bit open because that "you know, in the end, an unhappy marriage is not REALLY best for the kids" argument is a popular one.

 

Wish I could ask for a show of hands to ask how many think that when he is "constantly" thinking of the OW that he is thinking of their sparkling dinner conversations? And how many think that "humdrum" is an empathetic and contrite way of thinking about the woman he married in this scenario?

 

But since he asked for advice, mine is this. I think he should leave his wife for the OW. If I learned that my H had said what mattym said in this scenario, there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL that I would want to stay married to him. Further, based on the OW's romantic history and the general nature of relationships, it won't be long before he is either dumped or back into a humdrum life. Then he will have a better sense of the emotional pain he has caused and hopefully advance as a human being in the process. Plus, since he wants to portray himself as something of a victim, he will be able to BLAME the OW for ruining his life. And the OW will either move on without a scar, or get to find out how it feels to be regarded as the boring wife. And his current wife will get an opportunity to be with someone who actually appreciates her.

 

Yeah I think that works for everyone. Of course, it sounds bad for the kids and it is too bad he blew it, but...as was pointed out earlier, given his feelings of ambivalence, I don't think he and his wife could cobble together a happy home life for them at this point anyway.

[Tomcat33]

Tc i don't think it's for their own agenda, I think they are very much right. What i think is matt supposed to do right now since he very much care about the feeling of this OW, he should just let go of his wife and be with this OW. I wouldn't want my husband to be with me while he is torn. I would definitely don't want a husband who continuously think of OW after d-day. He should be repairing His M right now and begging his W for forgiveness. If he love his kid's the best thin he can do for them is to love their mother.

 

I understand what you are saying and I respect your thoughts. I however don't agree that he should leave his W it is too soon to tell. He owes it to himself and his W to try to salvage what they had if that is what he chooses. the fact that he is deeply tied to the emotions he feels for the OW is because it is so recent. In time those feelings can subside if it was just an addiction or if he realises that the real love was what he had for his W and not this OW. Or in time he may realise the marriage is not what he wants. Either way he owes it to his W to give the marriage a chance if she is accepting it. He IS married to her afterall. However, I have simply mentioned that if he wants to move forward in a healthy way it has to start by making healthy choices now. The idea that "it's all a mess what's one more bad choice going to matter now anyway" can prove to be more harmful in the end.

 

to me a healthy choice is to end things in a decent manner by starting to practice honesty RIGHT NOW with the OW owning up to the mistakes that were made and the choices that HE made, and that way he will find that being honest with his W will be much easier to accomplish. To embark on a recovery based on lies again is futile.

 

The deeds are done, the pain is felt by all, why in the world would anyone advice this man to inflict more pain? That is really my point.

[luvstarved]

 

The deeds are done, the pain is felt by all, why in the world would anyone advice this man to inflict more pain? That is really my point.

 

I don't think it is a matter of advising someone to inflict more pain. It isn't like he was just doing his job. He made the choices that inflicted the pain. Now he is coming here with a "woe is me" demeanor that to me demonstrates a lack of capacity for mature love.

 

It isn't about inflicting more pain, I think it is a matter of getting it over with quickly so lives can go on. You wouldn't want the dentist tiptoeing around your mouth with a drill for hours, would you?

 

Yeah the pain will be there for a while no matter what, but he needs to act decisively so all involved can at least begin the healing process.

[luvstarved]

Actually, I think it might be interesting if he printed out this whole thread and gave a copy to each of the two women. That would probably simplify the decision making.

[Tomcat33]

I don't think it is a matter of advising someone to inflict more pain. It isn't like he was just doing his job. He made the choices that inflicted the pain. Now he is coming here with a "woe is me" demeanor that to me demonstrates a lack of capacity for mature love.

 

It isn't about inflicting more pain, I think it is a matter of getting it over with quickly so lives can go on. You wouldn't want the dentist tiptoeing around your mouth with a drill for hours, would you?

 

Yeah the pain will be there for a while no matter what, but he needs to act decisively so all involved can at least begin the healing process.

 

Agreed.

 

The day I get cancer, god forbid, I want to be told face to face and to the point. Tell me if I have a chance at survival and what grade cancer I have. I would expect out of the loyatly that my family doc has to me, (though our rel. is not akin to a personal one) for our doc/patient relationship, that she would not send me and email saying "by the way you've got 10 weeks, you have cancer" with the subject line reading "the end"

 

And I know it's a $htty job but it's part of what DOCS sign up for when they become involved in medicine.

 

I agree no one likes pain prolonged.

[smoochygirl]

I understand what you are saying and I respect your thoughts. I however don't agree that he should leave his W it is too soon to tell. He owes it to himself and his W to try to salvage what they had if that is what he chooses. the fact that he is deeply tied to the emotions he feels for the OW is because it is so recent. In time those feelings can subside if it was just an addiction or if he realises that the real love was what he had for his W and not this OW. Or in time he may realise the marriage is not what he wants. Either way he owes it to his W to give the marriage a chance if she is accepting it. He IS married to her afterall. However, I have simply mentioned that if he wants to move forward in a healthy way it has to start by making healthy choices now. The idea that "it's all a mess what's one more bad choice going to matter now anyway" can prove to be more harmful in the end.

 

to me a healthy choice is to end things in a decent manner by starting to practice honesty RIGHT NOW with the OW owning up to the mistakes that were made and the choices that HE made, and that way he will find that being honest with his W will be much easier to accomplish. To embark on a recovery based on lies again is futile.

 

The deeds are done, the pain is felt by all, why in the world would anyone advice this man to inflict more pain? That is really my point.

 

TC i know exactly how you feel, i was never an OW but my mom is. I try to put my shoe to OW and i can understand why they want an honest closure, Face to face, but unfortunately not every OW are like you. You might accept the truth that you're MM cannot be with you because he chooses to be with his wife but we don't know about this OW. This Women is already showing an obsession, do you think she will just go NC with matt after hearing the fact that he love his W and doesn't want anything to do with her? I just doubt it. I wish that matt will just let go of his wife because i think this is the best thing for both of them. His wife will be devastated but its better than living with a cheating spouse. And i hope she will eventually find a nice honest man who will not walk all over her. And Hopefully matt will realized that he loose everything because of his own "selfishness". Im sorry matt but i need to say this as you want an honest advice.

[whichwayisup]

What i think is matt supposed to do right now since he very much care about the feeling of this OW, he should just let go of his wife and be with this OW.

 

So he should just not even bother trying to re-gain his wife's trust again? She is willing to give him a chance! Hello, the 3 month hot sex filled affair compared to 7 years (I think that's what he said, sorry if I'm wrong on that one) of marriage, 2 young children? Just throw it away, like that? Uhhh no. He OWES it to his wife, to his kids, to keep this family intact. IF they can't fix it and it ends, THEN he can go seek the OW.

 

He MAY think he's inlove, but he isn't. He LOVES how she makes him feel. Like number ONE 24/7! OFCOURSE he feels inlove, it's inLUST. BIG difference...

[whichwayisup]

His wife will be devastated but its better than living with a cheating spouse.

Do you not feel he should take up the offer from his wife? She IS willing to give him a chance. Or, should he cut bait now and run to the OW?

[Tomcat33]

He MAY think he's inlove, but he isn't. He LOVES how she makes him feel. Like number ONE 24/7! OFCOURSE he feels inlove, it's inLUST. BIG difference...

 

c'mon you don't know that, and yes I agree he may not even know that, only time will tell.

[Trialbyfire]

Actually, I think it might be interesting if he printed out this whole thread and gave a copy to each of the two women. That would probably simplify the decision making.

Ahahahaha...how perfect would that be. The cheating spouses should also retain a copy and made to have it for dinner, dry, no salt or pepper.

[smoochygirl]

I understand what you are saying and I respect your thoughts. I however don't agree that he should leave his W it is too soon to tell. He owes it to himself and his W to try to salvage what they had if that is what he chooses. the fact that he is deeply tied to the emotions he feels for the OW is because it is so recent. In time those feelings can subside if it was just an addiction or if he realises that the real love was what he had for his W and not this OW. Or in time he may realise the marriage is not what he wants. Either way he owes it to his W to give the marriage a chance if she is accepting it. He IS married to her afterall. However, I have simply mentioned that if he wants to move forward in a healthy way it has to start by making healthy choices now. The idea that "it's all a mess what's one more bad choice going to matter now anyway" can prove to be more harmful in the end.

 

to me a healthy choice is to end things in a decent manner by starting to practice honesty RIGHT NOW with the OW owning up to the mistakes that were made and the choices that HE made, and that way he will find that being honest with his W will be much easier to accomplish. To embark on a recovery based on lies again is futile.

 

The deeds are done, the pain is felt by all, why in the world would anyone advice this man to inflict more pain? That is really my point.

 

TC i know exactly how you feel, i was never an OW but my mom is. I try to put my shoe to OW and i can understand why they want an honest closure, Face to face, but unfortunately not every OW are like you. You might accept the truth that you're MM cannot be with you because he chooses to be with his wife but we don't know about this OW. This Women is already showing an obsession, do you think she will just go NC with matt after hearing the fact that he love his W and doesn't want anything to do with her? I just doubt it. I wish that matt will just let go of his wife because i think this is the best thing for both of them. His wife will be devastated but its better than living with a cheating spouse. And i hope she will eventually find a nice honest man who will not walk all over her. And Hopefully matt will realized that he loose everything because of his own "selfishness". Im sorry matt but i need to say this as you want an honest advice.

[luvstarved]

c'mon you don't know that, and yes I agree he may not even know that, only time will tell.

 

It seems like a reasonable intuitive leap to me, based on all of his "honest" remarks.

[whichwayisup]

But TC, he SEES the red flags about the OW. Those in itself are reason enough for him to stop and think. This woman, that he thinks he 'loves' isn't the type of woman who is going to love "just" him. Her previous actions before him, with past lovers/boyfriends have shown this. She knows exactly what she is doing and after 3 months, she's pushing him to end his marriage, move with her, marry her and they can become ONE big happy family? Is it just me or do you find that abit crazy? She sounds young and very immature, has unrealistic fantasies....

 

HE has NO clue what type of person she really is. NOONE knows ANYONE soooo well after 3 months - Let alone just by going on 'good selfish sex.' HE really is in NO position to explore that with her anyway seeing as HE IS MARRIED WITH CHIDLREN. Sure, he has cheated, but now has been caught. He's been given a chance to save his marriage. I hope he does save his marriage because many of us can see what's around the corner if he chooses to end his marriage and stay with the OW.....Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that one out.

[luvstarved]

Do you not feel he should take up the offer from his wife? She IS willing to give him a chance. Or, should he cut bait now and run to the OW?

 

If I handed someone an enormously generous gift that thoroughly demonstrated my true love for them, and they acted like they weren't sure whether they really liked it or wanted it...it would not take me long to rescind the offer.

 

Let's face it, even if he decides to stay with his W the OW would be on his mind for quite some time to come. Months if not longer. It will continue to impact the M.

 

His wife wants to give him a chance because she loves him and she must be doing everything she can to believe that he loves her, too. But this ghost of the OW will be felt, and resentments will be plentiful for all.

 

It would be different if he had clarity and true remorse on this and was now reflecting on how precious his W is to him. But he doesn't. And he isn't going to wake up with it tomorrow.

 

Unfortunately for him it is patently unfair to leave other people's emotions in limbo while you evaluate their value to you. So he needs to make a decision and act on it and live with it.

[whichwayisup]

Let's face it, even if he decides to stay with his W the OW would be on his mind for quite some time to come. Months if not longer. It will continue to impact the M.

That's why therapy and marriage counselling is a must. BS's aren't stupid. They know it will take abit of time for cheating spouses to 'get over the affair'... As long as efforts are made, honesty and alot of talking, listening etc., that's part of forgiving and trying to make the marriage work again. BS's are the ones who have to be stronger and have faith. Just go read Thumbingmyway's threads...From day one when he first joined, then you'll see where I'm going with this.

[smoochygirl]

So he should just not even bother trying to re-gain his wife's trust again? She is willing to give him a chance! Hello, the 3 month hot sex filled affair compared to 7 years (I think that's what he said, sorry if I'm wrong on that one) of marriage, 2 young children? Just throw it away, like that? Uhhh no. He OWES it to his wife, to his kids, to keep this family intact. IF they can't fix it and it ends, THEN he can go seek the OW.

 

He MAY think he's inlove, but he isn't. He LOVES how she makes him feel. Like number ONE 24/7! OFCOURSE he feels inlove, it's inLUST. BIG difference...

 

Yes, you are right. I know he love his W but right now he don't see it. He will only see it after he left his wife and live with this OW. He will only see it after he loose his w and kids.