My Wife found out about me

[smoochygirl]

Do you not feel he should take up the offer from his wife? She IS willing to give him a chance. Or, should he cut bait now and run to the OW?

 

His W love him enough to forgive him, But he still don't see it. Don't you see his first post he was asking an advice if He will leave or stay. His mind isn't clear yet. Don't you think his wife deserve a better man?

[luvstarved]

That's why therapy and marriage counselling is a must. BS's aren't stupid. They know it will take abit of time for cheating spouses to 'get over the affair'... As long as efforts are made, honesty and alot of talking, listening etc., that's part of forgiving and trying to make the marriage work again. BS's are the ones who have to be stronger and have faith. Just go read Thumbingmyway's threads...From day one when he first joined, then you'll see where I'm going with this.

 

Well you may see apples and apples here, but I did just read some of those threads and it sounds like you are comparing a drunken near-miss ONS, with immediate and clear remorse, to this situation. I think they are very different. And it isn't all the intent and duration of it, either. It is the fact that this guy even now is still weighing his options.

 

TMW and you might be big enough to go into counseling with someone who is constantly thinking of someone else, and debating whether they want to be with boring me or exciting them, but I'm not. I guess I don't have enough love in my heart to help an H explore his desires at my expense.

[mattym]

Hi everyone

 

I didn't disappear - I've been working. Well, my body's been working- my mind has been elsewhere as you can probably imagine

 

I never expected so many responses and some of these posts have been painful to read, like being naked in the street, and I deserve some of the harsh things that have been said to me.

 

Thought I'd give you an update

 

Caught my W staring into space again yesterday. I said ' you're thinking about things aren't you?' She nodded and said ' I can't believe this has happened to me' and then said she wanted to know everything we'd done together. I told her what would be the point of that, I had hurt her enough and had no desire to do anymore of that. She said she felt she was 2nd guessing everytime I'd been away/home late over the past few months, and had I been with her

 

In truth I hadn't always been with her- I work long hours and I guess that gave me the opportunity

 

I told her i didn't do what i did because I didn't love her. Infact i'd leave OWs place, having told her I'd like to be with her, and be telling myself 'I'd never leave my W' , thinking as I'd said earlier that things with OW would run their course, I'd have my fun and that would be that

 

Reading that last bit back I feel so selfish, but I am being honest here

 

My W told me she thinks if the kids weren't here, then she would have askeed me to leave. She feels unattractive and worthless.

 

I held her, told her I love her and said that if she wanted me to go I'd go, no more games

 

Rang OW. She's off work sick ( not related to this, genuinely sick I think) so I chickened out hearing how ill she sounded and said I'd speak to her in a couple of days

 

In my mind I'd decided OW was out of my life. When I spoke to her I felt myself caving in to the emotional feelings she gave me. Again just being honest

 

Knowing I'd felt like that I couldn't look my Wife in the eye last night

 

Some other posts have made me think ' am i with OW just in case M doesn't work out?' or even vice versa??

 

When i speak to W i genuinely mean what i say, when i'm with OW, i mean that too! Maybe thats why some cultures have more than one W, amaybe it is possible to love more than 1 person?

 

I read the great advice here on da 1, and was SOO clear yesterday on what to do, I even left the house resenting OW...but the feelings OW brought on once I spoke to her made my head feel like it was in a thick fog again - i started to feel like I wanted to see her, spend time with her, and of course had sexual feelings too. What the hell is wrong with me?

 

W = stability, loving caring environment, 2 great kids. Lots of bills, responsibility, pressure and normality

 

OW = feeling like a sexual person, attention, compliments. A hard thing to simply 'forget' overnight, knowning that I may never be made to feel like that again in my life

 

OW has also said she wants to settle down with me, but you all know the alarm bells I felt about that. Why is it every man has left her? She let slip that her last BF said she was too 'clingy'

 

I wish someone would just show me what to do. i feel like a helpless kid

 

Contrary to what i thought, this won't all be behind me in 24hrs

 

 

Matt

[Trialbyfire]

Let your wife go. That you can't make a decision even seeing the damage you've inflicted on her is the ultimate in selfishness. She's invisible compared to your neediness.

[mattym]

I'm not being fair to either of these women, particularly my Wife

 

I always wanted to put my W and Kids first, always wanted to do 'the right thing' - is it so wrong that I felt 'what about me?' after a few years? Am i so evil for thinking i deserved something too?

 

My head hurts. Think I need some sleep

[Trialbyfire]

The OW went into this knowingly, therefore, she would be pretty stupid to not understand that it could go south. Your wife was innocent of all knowledge.

 

Why are your wife and children invisible compared to your needs? Did it ever occur to you that you're not providing for the needs of your wife and note, she didn't stray? Why are you being so selfish?

 

How can you believe you're in love with a woman of such low morals and in only three months? You're not in love, you're in lust with your own needs to have your ego stroked. Not much of a man...

[Trialbyfire]

Btw, you'd better think hard about your decision. Think about the moral character of the OW. She cheated and then dropped another man so she could chase after a married man. Is this the woman you want to expose your children to or were you hoping to saddle your wife with complete custody so you can have a little love nest for two?

[mattym]

Btw, you'd better think hard about your decision. Think about the moral character of the OW. She cheated and then dropped another man so she could chase after a married man. Is this the woman you want to expose your children to or were you hoping to saddle your wife with complete custody so you can have a little love nest for two?

 

trialbyfire, I know I'm contradicting myself, but I KNOW somewhere deep down how right you are. Like i said yesterday I left home feeling mentally refreshed - I knew what was right and what to do. Then I spoke to OW and my resolve went, I had doubts and i put it off

 

You're right, I'm not much of a man. i used to be, i provided for my family and felt like the greatest Dad in the world. Not any more, I feel like a fake

 

My friend yesterday said I need telling what i really know already, but that no-one can make a decision for me

 

I get annoyed with myself- I've had a good career, a marriage, 2 kids and I can't decide over some girl? What's happened to me?

 

Some extra info - advice appreciated:

 

1. When OW met me, she did 80% of the chasing. Told me she couldn't stop staring at me, how no one had ever treated her as well as i did, she couldn't believe when i complimented her i was talking about her, as no man had ever done that, and that she'd always been the one making all the effort in a relationship

 

2. OW went on and on about the 'what ifs' - we could have a happy life, a baby of our own, and together with my kids we'd be happy and live a happy life. It swept me along if I'm honest

 

3. Alarm bell - she told me every man she's ever had has left her

 

4. Alarm bell - when she was 23 she was living and engaged to a guy. She developed feelings for a co-worker and came home and finished with him, saying ' i shouldnt feel like this about someone else, it's over'

 

5. Alarm bell - the co worker I referred to went back to his GF

 

6. Alarm bell - 1 year later she hooked up with a guy who left his GF and 8 month old baby. She then got pregnant by him. She decided she couldnt handle a baby right now and terminated- they split up over it

 

7. She then met and had 4 yr relationship with another guy. He left her to go off alone, saying he didn't love her anymore

 

8. She then met 1 yr later a guy younger than her - said she never loved him and never mentioned love to him, he never complimented her and made her unhappy. That's when she met me

 

You know the rest

 

The rational part of me tells me No's 1-8 all the time

 

Please talk some sense into me. I don't want to crumble again when i see her

 

Matt

[Trialbyfire]

trialbyfire, I know I'm contradicting myself, but I KNOW somewhere deep down how right you are. Like i said yesterday I left home feeling mentally refreshed - I knew what was right and what to do. Then I spoke to OW and my resolve went, I had doubts and i put it off

 

You're right, I'm not much of a man. i used to be, i provided for my family and felt like the greatest Dad in the world. Not any more, I feel like a fake

 

My friend yesterday said I need telling what i really know already, but that no-one can make a decision for me

 

I get annoyed with myself- I've had a good career, a marriage, 2 kids and I can't decide over some girl? What's happened to me?

 

Some extra info - advice appreciated:

 

1. When OW met me, she did 80% of the chasing. Told me she couldn't stop staring at me, how no one had ever treated her as well as i did, she couldn't believe when i complimented her i was talking about her, as no man had ever done that, and that she'd always been the one making all the effort in a relationship

 

2. OW went on and on about the 'what ifs' - we could have a happy life, a baby of our own, and together with my kids we'd be happy and live a happy life. It swept me along if I'm honest

 

3. Alarm bell - she told me every man she's ever had has left her

 

4. Alarm bell - when she was 23 she was living and engaged to a guy. She developed feelings for a co-worker and came home and finished with him, saying ' i shouldnt feel like this about someone else, it's over'

 

5. Alarm bell - the co worker I referred to went back to his GF

 

6. Alarm bell - 1 year later she hooked up with a guy who left his GF and 8 month old baby. She then got pregnant by him. She decided she couldnt handle a baby right now and terminated- they split up over it

 

7. She then met and had 4 yr relationship with another guy. He left her to go off alone, saying he didn't love her anymore

 

8. She then met 1 yr later a guy younger than her - said she never loved him and never mentioned love to him, he never complimented her and made her unhappy. That's when she met me

 

You know the rest

 

The rational part of me tells me No's 1-8 all the time

 

Please talk some sense into me. I don't want to crumble again when i see her

 

Matt

 

You know how you can become a man again. Do the right thing. You know you can do it. As previously expressed here, your wife has thrown you a lifeline, now take it for the good of your family. Whether you believe it now or not, it is possible to renew the passion between yourself and your wife.

 

The first step is to sever all contact with the OW. Look at how you weakened when you phoned her. Send her an email, cut and dry. Before you send the email, show it to your wife and see if she wants to make any amendments to it.

 

Do it. You know you have the strength inside of you. There is a man deep down inside that you've hidden away. Bring him out. NOW.

[mattym]

You know for the first time since my kids were born I actually feel like crying

 

Pretty pathetic isn't it?

[Trialbyfire]

Look in the mirror matt. Who do you want to see? The man who is a father and a loving husband or the boy who wants his piece of used tail?

[Trialbyfire]

Matty, which one do you want to see? Answer me. The man or the boy?

[mattym]

Matty, which one do you want to see? Answer me. The man or the boy?

 

Of course the Man. But this has led me to question the very core of who I am, and who I thought I was

 

How could I have done this? Become the kind of man I'd always slammed?

 

Many people go on to have happy 2nd marriages, and extended families, what if this is a blessing in disguise and 10 years on we all realise it was meant to be?

 

Hell I don't know

[Trialbyfire]

Of course the Man. But this has led me to question the very core of who I am, and who I thought I was

 

How could I have done this? Become the kind of man I'd always slammed?

 

Many people go on to have happy 2nd marriages, and extended families, what if this is a blessing in disguise and 10 years on we all realise it was meant to be?

 

Hell I don't know

Regardless of why you did this, it's done. Fix it or you will never be a man again. Nut up to your responsibilities.

 

Look at how screwed up the OW is. This is your concept of an extended family? How do you know she won't drop you like a rock, after the excitement of "getting" a married man has died. From what you've written, she's a sad prize indeed.

 

Do your children matter to you? If so, this woman will not be able to raise children properly. Just look at her history. You want someone so unbalanced to help raise your children. Come on man, get with reality.

[mattym]

Regardless of why you did this, it's done. Fix it or you will never be a man again. Nut up to your responsibilities.

 

Look at how screwed up the OW is. This is your concept of an extended family? How do you know she won't drop you like a rock, after the excitement of "getting" a married man has died. From what you've written, she's a sad prize indeed.

 

Do your children matter to you? If so, this woman will not be able to raise children properly. Just look at her history. You want someone so unbalanced to help raise your children. Come on man, get with reality.

 

Yes, I've thought about that too. About bringing my kids into this situation they're so thankfully unaware of right now

 

You know how women and men comment on whether someone is attractive or not? This girl talks like it all time, how so & so has nice ees, a cute butt, how she'd like to have sex with this celebrity etc

 

i told her she shouldn't talk like that, to which she said ' you sound the jealous and possessive type- its your problem, not mine' - worrying huh?

 

Lots of men ( who dont know about me & her) comment on how attractive she is though

[Trialbyfire]

Oh, before I forget to mention this, I didn't give my ex-H a second chance. I bounced him as fast as the legal system would allow me to. To this day, he regrets it all and has gone through months and months of therapy. It's too bad he's not on this forum to shake some sense into you.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, I've thought about that too. About bringing my kids into this situation they're so thankfully unaware of right now

 

You know how women and men comment on whether someone is attractive or not? This girl talks like it all time, how so & so has nice ees, a cute butt, how she'd like to have sex with this celebrity etc

 

i told her she shouldn't talk like that, to which she said ' you sound the jealous and possessive type- its your problem, not mine' - worrying huh?

 

Lots of men ( who dont know about me & her) comment on how attractive she is though

And this piece of used tail is more important to you than your family unit?

[mattym]

And this piece of used tail is more important to you than your family unit?

 

No, or I would be at her place right now instead of here. I just need some help, it's harder to finish something than it is to start it I guess

 

My W last night when we were taling said ' this girl wants my Kids and my life, that's why I'm so angry at her' - told her to be angry at me, I'd brought the situation about

 

My W said she finds it easier to be angry at OW than me because she loves me and still can't believe I would have done that to her

 

Imagine how sh*tty that made me feel after 7 years of being devoted to her?

[Trialbyfire]

No, or I would be at her place right now instead of here. I just need some help, it's harder to finish something than it is to start it I guess

 

My W last night when we were taling said ' this girl wants my Kids and my life, that's why I'm so angry at her' - told her to be angry at me, I'd brought the situation about

 

My W said she finds it easier to be angry at OW than me because she loves me and still can't believe I would have done that to her

 

Imagine how sh*tty that made me feel after 7 years of being devoted to her?

Good. Then you understand which woman to prioritize.

 

Your wife is an amazing woman. I do admire her perserverance and ability to continue loving you.

 

So, what does your wife and the mother of your children deserve?

 

Bounce that little piece of used tail back to her own cubicle. Do it by email so you won't weaken.

[mattym]

Good. Then you understand which woman to prioritize.

 

Your wife is an amazing woman. I do admire her perserverance and ability to continue loving you.

 

So, what does your wife and the mother of your children deserve?

 

Bounce that little piece of used tail back to her own cubicle. Do it by email so you won't weaken.

 

I shouldn't laugh, but imagining her as used tail is making me chuckle

 

I don't deserve my Wife, I really don't. i told her last night she's a better and stronger person than I've ever been

[Trialbyfire]

I shouldn't laugh, but imagining her as used tail is making me chuckle

 

I don't deserve my Wife, I really don't. i told her last night she's a better and stronger person than I've ever been

Why? That's what she is and unbalanced to boot. You don't see her for what she is, an opportunist.

 

Why not rise to her level instead? You've been rolling in the sewer long enough. Isn't it time to be a good partner and not a liability?

[Trialbyfire]

Anyhow matty, it's now 3:15 am where I live. Don't disappoint me but most of all, don't disappoint the wonderful woman you call your wife and your two children. You can dump that piece of used tail and start being the man you were. Do it before your wife stops believing in you. It doesn't take long for that to happen.

 

Don't be like my ex-H, living with regrets to this day, every day one more day of misery.

[mattym]

Anyhow matty, it's now 3:15 am where I live. Don't disappoint me but most of all, don't disappoint the wonderful woman you call your wife and your two children. You can dump that piece of used tail and start being the man you were. Do it before your wife stops believing in you. It doesn't take long for that to happen.

 

Don't be like my ex-H, living with regrets to this day, every day one more day of misery.

 

I spoke to my Dad this morning. Not about this, but just day-to-day stuff. You know I never really respected him till this happened. He's been with my Mother almost 40 years and would feel guilty if she caught him peeking at a photo of a topless woman. He's twice the man I am

 

Thank you for your advice, I do appreciate it

[lysne]

Wow. You really have no idea what's in store for you.

 

Years, buddy. A couple of YEARS until your wife can even look at you without dying inside a little every time.

 

You can double or triple that length the minute your wife finds out you're STILL in contact with the OW and it's not really over.

 

You just don't get it. The stakes are very f#cking high right now. When your wife finds out it's not truly over, she might not ever believe a word out of your lying mouth ever again. Tell me what kind of marriage you want to construct out that kind of pain and distrust.

 

Every minute you fail to cut it off forever is another minute of betrayal. If you don't believe me that your wife will see it that way, just keep d#cking around with her fragile heart. When you're finished it will be so shattered you won't even be able to find all the pieces.

 

You can alleviate a SMALL piece of the pain and more importantly a SLIGHTLY larger piece of the agonizing distrust your wife has toward you by ending it with the OW transparently and with your wife's presence or input.

 

I know why you haven't. Because for the last two weeks you've told her it's over, even though it's not.

 

That's no small mistake, but if you don't remedy it, stick a fork in you, you're done.

[Hard2Think]

His W love him enough to forgive him, But he still don't see it. Don't you see his first post he was asking an advice if He will leave or stay. His mind isn't clear yet. Don't you think his wife deserve a better man?

 

I can tell you from experience that whatever she says about forgiveness is to be taken with a grain of salt this early in the game. She hasn't decided anything that she can't take back in five minutes.

 

I went through that with my wife when she found out about me and my OW. She was livid for 3 days and then she "decided to forgive" for about 2 weeks. Then after that, the rollercoaster ride began in earnest.

 

I expect that he may get thrown out of the house a few times. Divorce will be brought up many times, and the next year will be hell.

 

Lysne is right in that he needs to do things to minimize as much as possible the damage. Certainly a dramatic cut from the OW is essential which includes quitting the job. There has to be 0 ambivalence here.