Not a priority - No emotional intimacy

[Star1]

I am a 32 year old female who has been in a relationship for the last 2 years. Over the past 6 months, my boyfriend and I have been bickering constantly and I suggested we take a "break" from the relationship.

 

Here is the overarching problem I am perceving in my relationship: I am not made a priority in his life and there is a lack of communication and openeness.

 

My boyfriend works long hours, often from 9 am - 9 pm. Typically, we get together durning the weekdays around 9:30PM or 10PM. We are usually too exhausted to have a meaningful conversation and end up immediately sleeping (I will go to the gym after work and time it so I will be done by the time he gets out of work).

 

While I have been very patient and understanding regarding his work schedule, it is frustrating to give of my time and not have the same returned. Additionally, when a free weekend night crops up for him, he schedules a "guys night". These "guy's night" often entail a night of boozing and nightclubs until 2 - 3 - 4 in the morning. This means that when we get together on Saturday, he is too hungover for us to have a meaningful interaction.

 

I've expressed my concerns to him and he said he couldn't adjust his work schedule because his career is everything to him right now, but he would work on putting me at the forefront of his life when he had free time. While that worked for about a month, we have slipped back into our "pattern" and that is when I suggested we take a break from the relationship.

 

The combination of working late and alcohol ladden weekends has steered our relationship to one that has little intimacy, communication, and affection.

 

From anyone's past experience in similar situations, is there any hope for this relationship?

 

Thanks for your feedback!

[Tony T]

I'd say no hope at all.

 

If you have communicated to him the problems you have with the relationship and he has made no effort to make more quality time for you, why would you think a break from everything would do the trick???

 

A one-sided relationship with someone who is selfish with his time and who does not make you feel very special can be extremely empty. We can go on for years hoping it's going to change because we love that person. But most of the time it stays the same...or even gets worse.

 

Have one more talk with him and see if you can't fine tune things. If that doesn't work, go find someone who will make YOU a number one priority in his life and give you the love and attention you need. After all, that's what relationships are for.

[Kat]

hahaha sounds alot like my b/f. Works long hours, only get to see him on weekends, and he usually goes out and gets drunk of Friday night so he is usually hung over But those 24-36 hours are the best I have all week

 

He works hard and wants to spend time with his friends and that just happens to be what his friends do.

 

You need to realise (I do not know if it is true in your case) that some people need to be close to other people and it doesn't mean they are running away from you.

 

In your case all I can say is that if you cannot handle the way things are going then you need to seriously talk to him and make it crystal clear how you feel.

 

I have made it clear to my b/f how it makes me feel when he goes out and gets drunk with his friends, and then is usually hung over, or cannot go out with me. But it doesn't seem to be as big a deal as your situation

 

Good luck and just make it clear what you will put up with and what you won't. If nothing happens find someone who joins you in your partnership and doesn't just drop in occasionall

[Ally Boo]

Maybe yall should talk about "not talking." hehe If you can't talk some sense into him, ask him if he'd consider going to counseling with you. I understand there is a time issue, so maybe just working through a couples book. Dr. Phil has a great one.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

No there is no hope. You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. And you cannot make someone else's life fit into your ideal life, when his is totally different from yours. You want a man to spend time with, and the 9:30-10pm is not enough for you. There's nothing wrong with that at all. BUT, he wants to focus on his career, and that's where his priority is right now. Therefore, the both of you are not compatible. You both have different priorities and you shouldn't have to sacrifice yours all the time to accomodate his, which obviously is what you have been doing and resenting it.