alcohol abuse

[tinktronik]

I've been really patient and hush hush about this while I try and decide what to do in the last nine months or so.

My s/o for the first few years we were together never drank, he just said he was not interested and didn't . I don't have a problem with a few drinks , but don't really enjoy drinking on a regular basis.

About nine months ago my s/o decided a few drinks would be okay. He just changed his mind. Its been escalating from there. Its gone from a few drinks twice a month , to once a week to the point where he is passed out on the couch. We once had a friend over and he brought a bunch to drink to the point where my s/o drank so much that when he stood up he fell over. Its turned into drinking 3 times a week and drinking every single drop in the house .

It disgusts me . He will actually get out of bed at night and finish whatever is left . I have tried to discuss this with him , but I get very little back , he just says he enjoys it , and there is no reason he should not partake.He says he has a good job, is happy in his life , pays his bills ,ect. I've taken to leaving him alone and letting him drink himself to sleep on the couch.

I woke up at 6 am this morning to get a drink of water and there he was in the kitchen doing a shot . He did not realize I was there and I went back to bed without my water .

Im seriously thinking about leaving , I have a lot invested here but Im just too young to deal with someone else's b/s problem.

I suspect this is alcohol abuse but not alcoholism.

I know we have several recovered alcoholics on this board , so any advice here?

[Touche]

A shot at 6 am? Yes, of course he has a problem. I'm afraid I don't have any magic bullet regarding advice for you because he doesn't want to stop or control this. The ball is really in your court now. You can either stay and accept it or leave because by him telling you this:

 

he just says he enjoys it , and there is no reason he should not partake.He says he has a good job, is happy in his life , pays his bills ,ect.

 

He's telling you he's not willing to change.

 

You're only option as I see it, is to give him an ultimatum. Make him choose you or the booze. But you'll have to be prepared to leave if he chooses the booze. But it's your only hope.

 

It's not out of the question that after you leave, he may hit rock bottom, because this problem DOES escalate, and then he might get help. Maybe then you can work things out.

 

But for now, as long as he doesn't want to change, it WILL get worse. You've already seen it escalate.

[Touche]

I wanted to add a couple of things, Tink. My instincts tell me that he has lied to you. Isn't he quite a bit older than you are? The fact that he didn't drink when you met him sends huge red flags my way. That pretty much tells me that he knows and has had this problem for some time. But he stopped at one point when you met him (or before you met him).

 

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he has been drinking in secret for some time before you became aware of his drinking.

 

I have almost no doubt about this. Why did he say he wasn't drinking when you met?

 

This is not a problem that normally surfaces in your 30's or 40's (though there ARE exceptions.) Those of us who have addiction problems are generally quite aware of them very early on...I mean as early as our teens but at least in our 20's. He's been hiding this from you. I'd bet anything on that.

[hotgurl]

tink,

I am sorry for your situation. All I can tell you is that he will only get help when he is ready.

 

So I agree with Touche tell him his drinking is a deal breaker but be prepared to leave.

 

My mom is an alcholic has been since I was little she won't change I can't make her change. All I can do is decide what I am willing to live with.

[tinktronik]

I wanted to add a couple of things, Tink. My instincts tell me that he has lied to you. Isn't he quite a bit older than you are? The fact that he didn't drink when you met him sends huge red flags my way. That pretty much tells me that he knows and has had this problem for some time. But he stopped at one point when you met him (or before you met him).

 

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he has been drinking in secret for some time before you became aware of his drinking.

 

I have almost no doubt about this. Why did he say he wasn't drinking when you met?

 

This is not a problem that normally surfaces in your 30's or 40's (though there ARE exceptions.) Those of us who have addiction problems are generally quite aware of them very early on...I mean as early as our teens but at least in our 20's. He's been hiding this from you. I'd bet anything on that.

I don't think he was sneak drinking , but I suppose there is a percentage chance. His reasoning was that he had been "accused of having a drinking problem" and had just decided not to drink anymore . He started smoking a little herb a year and a half ago . I had no problem with that even when it became a lot of herb . It does not have the same sloppy effect . That did not bother me at all , it just mellowed him out some . Bt this I hate . It turns my stomach .

I know this sounds lame , but I wish he'd just go back to the other .

[dropdeadlegs]

Hey tink!

 

I had noticed you were MIA (I've been a bit MIS myself over the last month) and am glad to see you back.

 

My gut instinct upon reading your post was much like what Touche' has stated. I was thinking to myself "this ain't SO's first rodeo with alcohol." I suppose it is possible for someone with addictive tendencies to transfer the form of their addiction from one substance to another because I have seen many people give up one substance and have similar problems and "teetotal" tendencies with something else. Somehow I think he has been down this road, or a similar path, at some point in life.

 

I also suppose (as I'm no expert) that one could fall into addictive behaviors quickly in some circumstances. Doing a shot at 6am (on a work day???) sounds so "alcoholic" to me. I recognize that, when hungover, a little of "the hair of the dog that bit you" provides some relief, but it is not indicative of a healthy relationship with alcohol. I know because I have been there and done that myself. There is such a difference between using alcohol and abusing it. I don't really see the line as all that "fine", either. Drinking until there is no more to drink is a big red flag, too. Normal drinkers can stop, abusers are not able to stop so easily.

 

This is obviously bothering you and needs to be addressed in a way that you can live with. I know it is hard to leave an alcoholic when you have history and such "investment", but living in that life is even harder. It might escalate to daily drinking and passing out. It might consume his life. I guess have a heart to heart about your concerns and put the ball in his court as to whether he wants to keep you in his life (change) or keep the status quo without you.

 

Gosh that sucks, but I don't know what else to advise. Good luck, sweetie!

[Touche]

I don't think he was sneak drinking , but I suppose there is a percentage chance. His reasoning was that he had been "accused of having a drinking problem" and had just decided not to drink anymore . He started smoking a little herb a year and a half ago . I had no problem with that even when it became a lot of herb . It does not have the same sloppy effect . That did not bother me at all , it just mellowed him out some . Bt this I hate . It turns my stomach .

I know this sounds lame , but I wish he'd just go back to the other .

 

He's in complete denial if he says "he's been accused of having a drinking problem" but not admitting to one himself. I'd bet it was much worse than he's letting on.

 

And guess what? It's not lame for you to say that at all. I know I'll probably get bashed for saying this but weed is no where NEAR as bad as alcohol in my book.

 

So what do you think you'll do?

[Art_Critic]

I don't think he was sneak drinking ,

 

If you had been in the kitchen with him at 6am when he took the shot do you think he would've done it with you standing there ?

 

He is sneak drinking..

 

You are enabling him with your enabling behavior.

 

I think Touche's advice is dead on and he has a bigger problem with this than you realize..

 

He is drinking alcoholically and most likely is an Alcoholic that isn't ready to quit..

I would suggest a sit down with him and show ZERO tolerelece with allowing him to keep up this type of drinking..

Then if it doesn't work then an ultimatium.. but those you have to be prepared to go thru with i order to have an effect.

 

When I announced public ally and to my family that I quit drinking and that I had a problem I then had to sneak drink and hide my drinking when I realized I couldn't quit.

Until a GF that I had lived with for 4 years dumped me for my drinking did finally hit bottom and quit... Although it also coincided with my father passing away and he was my reason for drinking..

 

If all else fails.. Call your Local AA or

AlaNon chapter and get them to connect you with a 12th stepper that can help you..

 

You could also benefit from going to a few Alanon meetings yourself to help understand him and what you do to enable him to continue to drink.

[tinktronik]

He's in complete denial if he says "he's been accused of having a drinking problem" but not admitting to one himself. I'd bet it was much worse than he's letting on.

 

And guess what? It's not lame for you to say that at all. I know I'll probably get bashed for saying this but weed is no where NEAR as bad as alcohol in my book.

 

So what do you think you'll do?

At this point I don't know . Ive got myself invested in this house , full time kids , two cats a dog and a hermit crab . Not to mention everything that goes along with that. I just don't need him to have to babysit too. He does not become abuseive but drinking does make him agressive . I suppose that in the interum after I get the kids back in school ect. I will try again to get him to talk with me . I may even bargain on keeping herb in the house if there is NO alcohol.

I don't know how addiction works or even if it is addiction or just abusive behavior , I don't know if you can just switch from alcohol to weed and be kosher.

If the drinking continues I will leave it is just a matter of time . I am not willing to invest in someone who is not willing to make my life enjoyable also . I have too much else to deal with , the last thing I need is to deal with a sloppy drunk for the next 10-20 years .

 

On a side note, my s/o was diagnosed with precancerous tumors across his body several years ago . His dr.s came to the conclusion that they would remove the "most dangerous " of these and did , but that he is so covered in sun damage that it is just a matter of time before melenoma sets in and that he is too damaged to do graphting. They have told him that anything after 2010 is a gift . This was just about the time we met.

 

This I believe is what stopped his drinking before .But at this point he says that he wants to enjoy himself .

[2sunny]

i am so sad and sorry for your situation tink!

 

i think this is the last thing you need to be having to deal with - as far as your most recent changes in your life.

 

listen to AC - he knows this arena better than most of us. he will support you. i think you have some tough decisions to make, but don't trade one evil for another.

 

((((hugs))))

[tinktronik]

If you had been in the kitchen with him at 6am when he took the shot do you think he would've done it with you standing there ?

 

He is sneak drinking..

 

You are enabling him with your enabling behavior.

 

I think Touche's advice is dead on and he has a bigger problem with this than you realize..

 

He is drinking alcoholically and most likely is an Alcoholic that isn't ready to quit..

I would suggest a sit down with him and show ZERO tolerelece with allowing him to keep up this type of drinking..

Then if it doesn't work then an ultimatium.. but those you have to be prepared to go thru with i order to have an effect.

 

When I announced public ally and to my family that I quit drinking and that I had a problem I then had to sneak drink and hide my drinking when I realized I couldn't quit.

Until a GF that I had lived with for 4 years dumped me for my drinking did finally hit bottom and quit... Although it also coincided with my father passing away and he was my reason for drinking..

 

If all else fails.. Call your Local AA or

AlaNon chapter and get them to connect you with a 12th stepper that can help you..

 

You could also benefit from going to a few Alanon meetings yourself to help understand him and what you do to enable him to continue to drink.

I do think that he would have taken the shot anyway. I could see that this is construed as sneak drinking though.

I have actually looked into AA and know a few people who do Alanon meetings . The problem I have come up to here is that it expects us to have beleif and faith in god and neither of us is Christian or has any belief in God at all . We are both Buddhists , practicing sometimes and others not.

[tinktronik]

A_C , do you know of any non faith based programs?

[2sunny]

I do think that he would have taken the shot anyway. I could see that this is construed as sneak drinking though.

I have actually looked into AA and know a few people who do Alanon meetings . The problem I have come up to here is that it expects us to have beleif and faith in god and neither of us is Christian or has any belief in God at all . We are both Buddhists , practicing sometimes and others not.

 

no - it does not say faith in god... it says faith in a higher power. that means different things to different belief systems. use it for what will help you.

[Art_Critic]

A_C , do you know of any non faith based programs?

 

AA...

 

It isn't a faith based program..It is however a fellowship program and a 12 step program..

 

Even when they use the word God.. they use in terms like " God as you would know him "..

Meaning you can be an agnostic and be in the AA..

 

Most Alcoholics don't have a belief system that we can fall onto and use..

The grasping concept of a higher power helps us have that belief system..

 

I believe in a higher power.. A power greater than I..

 

My higher power is the ocean.. a power greater than I or man.. That is who I turn it over too.. the ocean...

By the way.. I have never told anybody this before....

[tinktronik]

AA...

 

It isn't a faith based program..It is however a fellowship program and a 12 step program..

 

Even when they use the word God.. they use in terms like " God as you would know him "..

Meaning you can be an agnostic and be in the AA..

 

Most Alcoholics don't have a belief system that we can fall onto and use..

The grasping concept of a higher power helps us have that belief system..

 

I believe in a higher power.. A power greater than I..

 

My higher power is the ocean.. a power greater than I or man.. That is who I turn it over too.. the ocean...

By the way.. I have never told anybody this before....

Thanks for sharing. The couple of meetings here wee very God focused . Perhaps Ill try another neighborhood .

I suppose that all of his reacsoning just comes to excuse making. At least that is what I have come to . I will look into an avenue for myself though, wether or not he is interested .

[Art_Critic]

Here is a link to the aa.org site..

 

http://aa.org/en_is_aa_for_you.cfm

 

Is AA for you? is the link and the links on the left might help you decide about it..

 

This is a clip of one of the pages on that site..

Is A.A. a religious organization?

No. Nor is it allied with any religious organization.

 

 

There’s a lot of talk about God, though, isn’t there?

The majority of A.A. members believe that we have found the solution to our drinking problem not through individual willpower, but through a power greater than ourselves. However, everyone defines this power as he or she wishes. Many people call it God, others think it is the A.A. group, still others don’t believe in it at all. There is room in A.A. for people of all shades of belief and nonbelief.

 

[dropdeadlegs]

I agree that you do not have to have faith in God, or even a "higher power" per se' (IMO), but what I see as the point is admitting that one's life has become unmanageable due to alcohol, and different people have different ideas about what unmanageable is for them (varying degrees of "rock bottom.") The key is to make the first three steps have meaning for you and your lifestyle. Where God is stated in the third (and subsequent) step(s) it also states "as we understood him" and you could insert Buddha, the Dalai Lama, inner peace, nature, or whatever you want as far as I'm concerned. Heck, I suppose that AA itself, as a group, not an individual within the group, could be considered one's "higher power."

 

Yes, the founder was a Christian man (or at least became one) but the language can be modified and many AA/Alanon members are not Bible thumping evangelists. In larger cities there are meetings for those who do not believe in God but have found a way to make the program work.

 

Regardless of whether you decide to use those programs, it is hard to be in your situation, depending (or needing) changes in another person, especially changing back to what was before. I have had the house, etc. and it was depressing to give up parts of that lifestyle.

 

I know you didn't say you are staunch practitioners of Buddhist tenets, but I think substance use of any kind is a no-no in the Buddhist way of life. Just a thought, nothing more, not being judgmental. I hope things turn around for you.

[tinktronik]

I agree that you do not have to have faith in God, or even a "higher power" per se' (IMO), but what I see as the point is admitting that one's life has become unmanageable due to alcohol, and different people have different ideas about what unmanageable is for them (varying degrees of "rock bottom.") The key is to make the first three steps have meaning for you and your lifestyle. Where God is stated in the third (and subsequent) step(s) it also states "as we understood him" and you could insert Buddha, the Dalai Lama, inner peace, nature, or whatever you want as far as I'm concerned. Heck, I suppose that AA itself, as a group, not an individual within the group, could be considered one's "higher power."

 

Yes, the founder was a Christian man (or at least became one) but the language can be modified and many AA/Alanon members are not Bible thumping evangelists. In larger cities there are meetings for those who do not believe in God but have found a way to make the program work.

 

Regardless of whether you decide to use those programs, it is hard to be in your situation, depending (or needing) changes in another person, especially changing back to what was before. I have had the house, etc. and it was depressing to give up parts of that lifestyle.

 

I know you didn't say you are staunch practitioners of Buddhist tenets, but I think substance use of any kind is a no-no in the Buddhist way of life. Just a thought, nothing more, not being judgmental. I hope things turn around for you.

Substance use is not nessicarily a nono (depending on your school ) but abuse of any kind is.

We are in a large metro area , but the AA meeting near me is def christian focussed . Most of the members actually attend church together as well as meetings. I will look into mettings in other areas. My s/o will def. not attend at this time and as the kids are out of school and around the house all the time , now is not the time for a serious convo with him on this issue .

I suspect that if I give an altimatum it would most likely would end the drinking , but it would only happen once I was activley "walking".

I do not think that he is addicted per se , he is able to go long stretches without the temptation to drink or weed , and seems to have no cumpulsory (sp?) problems . But its like once he gets going he cannot stop. This I think fits better under binge abuse or abusive drinking.

 

I have become much more uptight about the issue since the kids have arrived fulltime as he does become agressive , handsy, more playfull, rougher in his play, but also eventually surly .

The kids have not noticed his drinking that Im aware of as I suspect their Dad also drinks regularly . But it puts me into a sitch where I am unable to ever leave the boys with him as I don't know if he has imbibed or not.

 

It won't be long till school starts and we can have a convo , but in the meantime, what ? should I ask , statements should I say . I mean, whats the right approach?

[tinktronik]

I should also add, he has cumpulsive behaviors in other areas of his life as well. Addictive perfection in his work and desires for the things around him. Obsessive thinking . Even to the point where he tends to Over-do everything, there is very little middle ground in the way he functions in general. It seems he always goes for all or nothing.

[Art_Critic]

Substance use is not nessicarily a nono (depending on your school ) but abuse of any kind is.

We are in a large metro area , but the AA meeting near me is def christian focussed . Most of the members actually attend church together as well as meetings. I will look into mettings in other areas. My s/o will def. not attend at this time and as the kids are out of school and around the house all the time , now is not the time for a serious convo with him on this issue .

I suspect that if I give an altimatum it would most likely would end the drinking , but it would only happen once I was activley "walking".

I do not think that he is addicted per se , he is able to go long stretches without the temptation to drink or weed , and seems to have no cumpulsory (sp?) problems . But its like once he gets going he cannot stop. This I think fits better under binge abuse or abusive drinking.

 

I have become much more uptight about the issue since the kids have arrived fulltime as he does become agressive , handsy, more playfull, rougher in his play, but also eventually surly .

The kids have not noticed his drinking that Im aware of as I suspect their Dad also drinks regularly . But it puts me into a sitch where I am unable to ever leave the boys with him as I don't know if he has imbibed or not.

 

It won't be long till school starts and we can have a convo , but in the meantime, what ? should I ask , statements should I say . I mean, whats the right approach?

 

Tink..

 

Please reread your post as if you were not the one that wrote it and you were giving advice to this poster..

 

Your post is filled with enabling denial..

You have done nothing but put forth excuses for him to continue his behavior..

You have done nothing but further more excuse his behavior..

 

You are what is know as an enabler to an addict..

 

You need to stop this...He was doing a shot at 6am.. he has a problem..

 

I have always respected you here on LS and understand that you are asking for advice but I think you need to re-look at things with a slightly different viewpoint..

Your BF has an addiction problem that WILL NOT go away.. in fact it will get worse..

It is a progressive disease.. If you don't get help things are going to go down hill very soon..

 

Try Alanon for a few meetings...

[tinktronik]

Tink..

 

Please reread your post as if you were not the one that wrote it and you were giving advice to this poster..

 

Your post is filled with enabling denial..

You have done nothing but put forth excuses for him to continue his behavior..

You have done nothing but further more excuse his behavior..

 

You are what is know as an enabler to an addict..

 

You need to stop this...He was doing a shot at 6am.. he has a problem..

 

I have always respected you here on LS and understand that you are asking for advice but I think you need to re-look at things with a slightly different viewpoint..

Your BF has an addiction problem that WILL NOT go away.. in fact it will get worse..

It is a progressive disease.. If you don't get help things are going to go down hill very soon..

 

Try Alanon for a few meetings...

I think you may have misread . My statements were simply honest . He will not be willing to attend AA , other courses he may be willing to commit to but I cannot say for sure in the event that I am not him , however in the event that I was willing to walk away from him I do think that he would at least make a try at it, if not I will walk as I have no interest in commiting my life to more difficulty.

I def . realize he has a problem and wether it is adictive or abusive is besides the point , he HAS a problem. It complicates my life and his even if he will not admit it.

I do not excuse his behavior, it is unacceptable to me, I have too much life left to live with too many complications myself.

I however cannot force him toward help, he will have to want it on his own. I will suggest help , encourage help , even urge help. But shoving him there will not help . In the event that he will not get help, I will remove myself , my children and my combined life from his and try to be a friend to him , but no more.

Ofcourse 6am shot taking is a huge problem, I would never even think of having a shot at 6 in the morning.

 

I will look for an alanon meeting , but perhaps one away from the area I am currently in.

[Art_Critic]

I will look for an alanon meeting , but perhaps one away from the area I am currently in.

 

That would be a great pace to start.. The people in Alanon would be people that are/have gone thru the same thing you are dealing with today..

 

As an Alcoholic myself I can honestly say that while we are wet we cannot be trusted.. Denial is the basis of Alcoholism and we will say just about anything to keep the drink in our hands..

 

That is where Alanon can help you.. at those times that we use our dark side to inflict guilt and anger and they can teach you how to act and not react and remove yourself and also so that you can separate the Alcoholic from the person..

 

Good Luck...I hope I helped some..

[Fun2BMe]

I know this sounds lame , but I wish he'd just go back to the other .

 

It's sad that you would think it sounds lame. I don't do pot but I think it is VERY VERY VERY obvious that alcohol is much more destructive - both to the self and especially to others. It's a mystery why alcohol is legal and pot isn't.

 

That said, I think you have to help him stop drinking instead of leaving him and if that fails, then make leaving an option. Like you said, you have a lot invested - both in the house, your children and I'm sure your feelings for him.

 

The first time I drank I had an entire bottle of wine until I blacked out from alcohol poisoning at age 13 and have a love for alcohol since then. I'll go through periods where I drink nonstop then I'll be dry for months at a time. Like right now I have my favorite alcohol drinks in the house but I can't take a sip because I'll drink until I've had way too much but my point is that he can control it so you have to help him out instead of enabling him to sneak around doing it. You have to confront him and make it tough for him to decide to drink.

 

I have to weigh my options - if I drink then I won't be able to do xy and z (tonight, tomorrow or whatever). A lot of thinking goes into it. Right now he's drinking without thinking whenever he feels like it because little by little he saw that he could get more and more away with it.

 

I think you need to be stricter with him. For example when you saw him taking a shot in the morning, instead of confronting him about it, you snuck back to bed. Are you scared to speak up to him and want to just walk away instead seeing it as the easiest route, even though it is not ideal considering the house and so on? Does he get violent or verbally abusive?

[tommyr]

Based on your description, it sounds to me (an alcoholic) that your SO may be one of us. How much do you know about his drinking past before you hooked up? It sounds like he was having problems before, and put things on hold for a while but the disease (alcholism) is now picking back up.

 

My suggestion is you get to a couple AlAnon meetings and meet some other folks who are in your exact situation. They can help you much more than some internet posting. Maybe even get an AlAnon sponsor. Be sure to ask them about "interventions" which might be something to consider.

[tinktronik]

In anwser to some ?'s here . No my s/o is not violent or verbally abusive . I went back to bed because seeing him have a drink at 6am grossed me out and I did not want to start in on him at 6am with my boys in bed in the next room. I was angry about it.

 

I called a friend who lives a few miles from me and is an out alcoholic , he put me on with his s/o who attends Alanon and they have invited me to attend an alanon meeting with my friends s/o. So I will go.

 

I had a brief discussion with my s/o yesterday after he saw this thread, he agrees he has a problem with drinking and that he does not stop if it is around to be drank. He also agreed that the way he feels when he is drinking is more pleasing to him than the way he feels when he is not drinking , but that the affect he has does not reflect that. And that it does cause a problem for him in his life . I admitted that I had been hunting around for somewhere else to move .

He says he does not enjoy the drinking aspect so much as the ability to turn off his brain for a bit , and found the weed much more pleasant in that asspect , but that he just has not had a surce for a while . I think this is b/s .

We agreed that after the kids are in school, we will sit down and formulate a game plan , including no drinking , a source of council for both him and I sepratly as well as together , we went to a therapist a while back and were able to patch up some differences we had so we may go to see the same one together again. In other words, we will discuss it , see if we can decide on what to do , and see if we are both willing to do the work.