Do our fiances/husbands really expect us to not age?! How can I compare to a 20 y/o?

[EricaS]

My fiance and I (he is 31) are going to be married early next year. I am in my late 20's.

 

A friend of his recently emailed him some very provacative pictures of a girl who appears to be about 20 yrs old. These pics came about when his friend's buddy found a digital camera at the beach and looked at the pics in an attempt to find the owner. Low and behold, they instead contained photos that this girl had taken of herself with little and nothing on (lingerie, etc). They have since then been forwarded to multiple guys, my fiance being one of them with info such as "Does anyone know who this is?!" and "Wow!", etc. He told me about the email because it was so off the wall and showed me the pictures.

 

To put it bluntly, the girl looks like a Barbie doll and these are definitely her private pictures. She has a perfect body and face, and I mean perfect. Now don't get me wrong: I think I am very attractive, I have a nice body, and I feel pretty good about myself. But I also know that I can't measure up to this 20 year old. Yes, I eat very well and exercise, but a fit body in your late 20's isn't a fit body when you are 20. Somehow when I saw these pictures and my fiance looking at them, I suddenly felt bad about myself. He also pointed out that my stomach and butt could use some work, but complimented the rest of me.

 

Since then I have been feeling two things: one, I feel uncomfortable that my fiance is looking at this girl's photos when clearly she never intended them to get out to the public (the poor girl lost her camera and now this a**hole friend of his is forwarding them to everyone in his address book), and two, my self-image has started to go downhill. I have cut back on my eating, have been working out more, and generally just feel anxious when I look in the mirror. I am 5'8 and 130 lbs, so the lack of food is not noticeable on my frame.

 

How can I get my self-image back in line and my feelings about these pictures in a healthy perspective? Should I feel bad for this girl, or was she setting herself up for something like this by taking these pictures in the first place? Is it abnormal to feel angry with my fiance for looking at them? Also, why is it that guys can expect their fiance/wife to go to great lengths to avoid looking like they have aged a day, yet I am a bad person if I point out a receding hairline or hint of a beergut? Any advice?

[Trialbyfire]

He also pointed out that my stomach and butt could use some work, but complimented the rest of me.

 

I find this incredibly rude of him, especially since it was bound into the discussion of another woman's body. He should know better than to expect physical perfection from anyone, nvm the person he loves. Remember, barbie's an outstanding example of a 20 year old. Most have flaws, just like the rest of the decades, including the teen years. He might as well compare you to a supermodel.

 

By the same token, you should point out how amazing a man with a body like Beckham is, who is 32 years old. Especially, point out his abs. Suggest that maybe your fiancé needs to work on his abs to provide you with the same level of physical male beauty. After that, bring up the parallel to the barbie pics discussion. Hopefully the parallel will sink in...

[Enema]

I find this incredibly rude of him, especially since it was bound into the discussion of another woman's body.

 

Being on the otherside of this argument once or twice, I'm going to say we probably didn't get the full story here.

 

ie. Possible scenario:

 

Her: "If you could choose one part of my body to change, what would it be?"

 

Him: "None, I think you look great"

 

Her: "No, just pick one!"

 

Him: "Ok, umm... I think you look great, but if I had to choose something I would probably say your butt"

 

and now we have, "He pointed out that my stomach and butt could use some work!"

-----

 

Onto her questions... you wouldn't be wrong for pointing out his beer belly, but the receding hairline is rough as you can't really do anything about it.

 

Him admiring her pics doesn't mean he's disappointed in you or wants you to change... it's harmless and has nothing to do with you, be more secure with your own self-worth!

[Trialbyfire]

Being on the otherside of this argument once or twice, I'm going to say we probably didn't get the full story here.

 

ie. Possible scenario:

 

Her: "If you could choose one part of my body to change, what would it be?"

 

Him: "None, I think you look great"

 

Her: "No, just pick one!"

 

Him: "Ok, umm... I think you look great, but if I had to choose something I would probably say your butt"

 

and now we have, "He pointed out that my stomach and butt could use some work!"

-----

 

Onto her questions... you wouldn't be wrong for pointing out his beer belly, but the receding hairline is rough as you can't really do anything about it.

 

Him admiring her pics doesn't mean he's disappointed in you or wants you to change... it's harmless and has nothing to do with you, be more secure with your own self-worth!

I don't really care how it went down. If he were smart, he would have kept his mouth shut. As it stands, the can of worm has been opened and he needs to understand the impact of his words.

 

I say, do the Beckham thing. Put it on your computer as your wallpaper.

[Mustang Sally]

Onto her questions... you wouldn't be wrong for pointing out his beer belly, but the receding hairline is rough as you can't really do anything about it.

Ok, so then boob issues ("I wish your breasts were bigger/perkier/fuller/etc.") are also out, because - barring surgery (much akin to the receding hairline) - there is little to be done....

[Mustang Sally]

Her: "If you could choose one part of my body to change, what would it be?"

I maintain that even getting within shooting distance of a question like this is akin to walking into a TNT factory with a lit match...

[Mustang Sally]

Most have flaws, just like the rest of the decades, including the teen years. He might as well compare you to a supermodel.

I maintain even supermodels have flaws.

(Just more carefully concealed...)

[directx]

Who the heck wants a supermodel?

I bet if you dated one, they would be a bore in bed because they probably didn't want their hair messed and would be watching what they put in their mouths because they don't want to gain any weight.

(I could almost imagine this).

 

I need that mental connection as well as physical to get close to a perfect 'release'. And once I connect with that someone mentally, the body they have is all the more attractive because it MEANS something now. Its like personal.

 

Don't get me wrong, I like random unknown cheesecake, but it doesn't compare when you are really into someone and that someone's unique features, compared to cookie cutter.

[Trialbyfire]

I maintain even supermodels have flaws.

(Just more carefully concealed...)

True. Nothing a good airbrush or perfect camera angles can't fix. I was looking at a pic of Adriana Lima with her love interest and she wasn't all that pretty in a natural pic, with natural lighting and a natural smile. Funny that, hmmm?

[directx]

I was watching this special on Vegas, and they covered a Vegas Dealer. One of the things they she pointed out was the fact that she really was not 'that pretty'. And she looked gorgeous!

And then they showed her before her makeup and her putting it on. I mean, she looked fine to me before, but after, WOW! And it was quite an ordeal for her to look that good.

 

I remember another special on Nickolodeon I think, and it was a show about what some professional jobs are like. I caught the episode where they covered a model. And again, similar story to above: she looked normal (but still damn good), but after the makeup, WOW! It was like a hollywood special effect creature almost, just a cookie cutter perfect model. But it hid most of her unique features.

 

Now I know some people are naturally beautiful (we have some here at work), but please, if the girl can't hold my interest mentally, its just another pretty face

[Trialbyfire]

See directx, you understand that attraction isn't all based on the physical. That more men would understand this, would be nice.

 

Btw, OP, also check out Gerard Butler in the movie 300. Abs and full set of hair at age 37. Wallpaper anyone?

[norajane]

I was watching this special on Vegas, and they covered a Vegas Dealer. One of the things they she pointed out was the fact that she really was not 'that pretty'. And she looked gorgeous!

And then they showed her before her makeup and her putting it on. I mean, she looked fine to me before, but after, WOW! And it was quite an ordeal for her to look that good.

 

I remember another special on Nickolodeon I think, and it was a show about what some professional jobs are like. I caught the episode where they covered a model. And again, similar story to above: she looked normal (but still damn good), but after the makeup, WOW! It was like a hollywood special effect creature almost, just a cookie cutter perfect model. But it hid most of her unique features.

 

Now I know some people are naturally beautiful (we have some here at work), but please, if the girl can't hold my interest mentally, its just another pretty face

 

I'll admit to watching some episodes of America's Next Top Model ()...and you're absolutely right about the effect of make-up, airbrushing, and camera angles and lights. Most of those girls are pretty, but look nothing like 'models' until after some serious time in the hair and make-up chair - they end up looking almost nothing like themselves. Then add the lights, the special poses (to make her neck look longer, to make her ears less prominent, to make her appear she has a stronger chin, to make her butt look fuller, to make her arms less awkward, etc., etc.).

 

But the OP is talking about a young girl who does look great in her own skin without anything more special than her (or her boyfriend's) digital camera. I feel terrible for her that her pics are now being spread around the internet by these immature guys - would they do that if the pics were of their sister? This poor girl is probably someone's sister, and definitely someone's daughter! They have no class whatsoever.

 

OP, I get what you're saying. It's always disillusioning when you see your man's lizard brain take over and he devolves into a teen-aged boy. It may be best to try and take comfort from the fact that he shared this with you - he wasn't trying to hide anything, and I'm sure he never even considered it would make you feel insecure to see them - he thinks you're hot or he wouldn't be marrying you!

[EricaS]

To answer the earlier question, I did not ask him "If you could change one thing about me what would it be?". He volunteered his comment without any prodding from me.

 

I think I am bothered somewhat by my changing feelings about my self-image, but more about the fact that they are taking advantage of this girl's less than desireable situation. Yes, she chose to take those pictures of herself, but she also didn't think that they'd one day be leaked all over the Internet. She IS someone's daughter, or sister, or granddaughter. For all we know, she could have a child of her own. Instead of posting something on craigslist along the lines of "Hey, I found a camera. If you can describe it and claim it contact me", they chose to send the images to everyone they knew. I saw some of the pictures, and there were some of just her and a friend at the beach, in a restaurant FULLY CLOTHED! If their true intention in distributing this email was to find the rightful owner of the camera, they could have sent out the pictures of her with clothes on. Just the idea that she was taken advantage of this way makes me feel bad for her.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You would hope that once a man hit his thirties that he would outgrow that “frat boy” mentality. Your husband’s problem isn’t so much his taste in women as it is his taste in friends. I hope the pig that publicized those photos gets sued and all the boys get a good scare too for being implemented in this poor woman’s public embarrassment.

 

As for you ... quit picking yourself apart. FEMALES are more critical of their own bodies and other women’s bodies then men are. That is why we are more prone to acquiring eating disorders and becoming addicted to plastic surgery procedures than men are.

 

CONFIDENCE, and feeling comfortable and sexy in her own skin is what makes a woman hot, not the package she’s wrapped in. Unfortunately, confidence is the first thing that flies out the window when a woman starts to doubt how she measures up to other females. And picking yourself apart until the point where you have brainwashed yourself into thinking you’re ugly ... won’t get naked for your husband ... won’t have sex with the lights on ... start dressing like your grandmother instead of the sexy babe he fell in love with ... is what will turn him off quicker than the few pounds you’ve gained.

 

Stop it Erica, and don’t you dare let yourself go there!

[GoodOnPaper]

CONFIDENCE, and feeling comfortable and sexy in her own skin is what makes a woman hot, not the package she’s wrapped in. Unfortunately, confidence is the first thing that flies out the window when a woman starts to doubt how she measures up to other females. And picking yourself apart until the point where you have brainwashed yourself into thinking you’re ugly ... won’t get naked for your husband ... won’t have sex with the lights on ... start dressing like your grandmother instead of the sexy babe he fell in love with ... is what will turn him off quicker than the few pounds you’ve gained.

 

This advice is right on the money. My wife weighs about 270 pounds. I would rather have her at this weight and sexually uninhibited (which I wish she was) than 100 pounds lighter and prudish/insecure.

 

You would hope that once a man hit his thirties that he would outgrow that “frat boy” mentality. . .

 

No matter how old men are, we are hard-wired to notice young attractive women. What we have here is bitterness about the reversal of social fortunes. When women are 20, the 20-year-old "nice guys" are cast aside left and right for older men who are more confident, professionally successful, etc. Fast-forward 10 or 15 years . . . now the MEN are wrong for showing interest in the younger women??

[Trialbyfire]

No matter how old men are, we are hard-wired to notice young attractive women. What we have here is bitterness about the reversal of social fortunes. When women are 20, the 20-year-old "nice guys" are cast aside left and right for older men who are more confident, professionally successful, etc. Fast-forward 10 or 15 years . . . now the MEN are wrong for showing interest in the younger women??

Yes, it is wrong in conjunction with criticizing your partner's body. You guys need to understand what this is about.

 

Do I expect that people will be deaf, dumb and blind? Absolutely not. Do I expect that a partner will have the common sense to keep his mouth shut? Absolutely.

 

So, with that, OP, you have absolutely every right to point out as many flaws on his body as you know of, which might be a lot, until he understands the concept of discretion. The discretion should also be applied towards the mature handling of this other woman's pictures.

[yergawd]

No matter how old men are, we are hard-wired to notice young attractive women. What we have here is bitterness about the reversal of social fortunes. When women are 20, the 20-year-old "nice guys" are cast aside left and right for older men who are more confident, professionally successful, etc. Fast-forward 10 or 15 years . . . now the MEN are wrong for showing interest in the younger women??

 

 

Could not agree more. Well Put. I'd even go as far as to say DAMN BRILLIANT!!! Wish I could clap online

 

Ok my little rant is over, here's my contribution. Yes we love to see beautiful women. Our heads for whatever reason are designed to rubberneck, sorry blame evolution. But there's a little more to us than that. I am with a woman the same age as myself. and I am so relieved to be away from all the little girl nonsense that goes with dating a younger woman.

I find my GF to be gorgeous not only in appearance but in her maturity. She does eat right and take care of herself but beyond that she is secure with herself, she's open to honesty and criticism, she's fun without acting ditzy, and she knows how to move in bed unlike the barely twenties that I had dated. Ask any man and he'll say this is much sexier than a vapid supermodel. Doesn't mean we won't notice a younger super model. But we would not trade the positives of a woman for the looks of a girl

[EnigmaXOXO]

Fast-forward 10 or 15 years . . . now the MEN are wrong for showing interest in the younger women??

 

You misinterpreted my “frat boy” comment when you quoted it. I was referring to an imbecilic behavior of some so-called adult who would find a woman’s camera than plaster her private pictures all over the internet and send them as entertainment to his boys. And none of these so-call “men” stepping up to put their buddy in check ... rather instead, getting their jollies off of it.

 

This isn’t merely showing “interest” in some attractive female who probably wouldn’t give these classless cads the time of day ... rather it’s taking advantage of hapless stranger, who because of the simple mistake of losing her camera, has been placed in a very compromising, humiliating and demeaning situation by no choice of her own.

 

And “frat boy mentality” is the politest way to describe their juvenile behavior. If I were to be completely honest, the LoveShack Gods would pummel me with naughty points and I’d be banished to a month in cyberspace limbo.