GreenEyedLady Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Hi Gel, Not caring about BW has nothing to do with fear, anger or fusteration. I do not know her, Of coarse I do not wish her ill, or an unhappy life. But she is in this mess too! if she likes it or not, Even oif she didnt choose it, she is in the mess. Where do you get competition from???? My point is if she nneds to tell, so she can move forward with her life, I think she should. She needs to look out for herself, mm isn't. And Gel, the real reason for divorce is not the ow. Marriage was already broke, dont you think? Or you would not be in the picture. Most states do have a nofault divorce law. My next question to youGel, and please dont take this the wrong way, But is your MM as loyal to you as you are to him??? I get the competition piece from your own imagery...Maybe it is sub-concious or maybe you did not mean it to come across that way...Besides I am an OW and no matter how sound you feel your R is and how deep your trust is, I KNOW what it is like...Earlier it affected me more but now I understand me, him and our R better...Much of it from coming here and posting and reading others' perspectives...It's only natural to feel it sometimes... I know that the OW is not the reason for the D...that's why I put that out there: if the W knows about the OW, it will become the ONLY reason...Someone outside the M is much easier to blame... I totally agree that A's do not happen inside truly healthy M's...A's happen when one or both partners, for whatever reason, is not having an essential need of theirs met...Not to say that people who's needs aren't being met will always stray, just a probably a majority do...and could even be a narcissistic need... At the risk of being burnt at the stake or laughed off LS, I have to say that I do believe he is as loyal to me, as I am to him...I have seen him do things for me that I never thought I'd see him do...I've seen him evolve as a person and become a better partner...Ironic, I know... I focus on the postives of our R, and do my best not to dwell on the "what ifs"...And when I waver and need support or encouragement, I find comfort in my friends... And there's no offense taken by me from anyone...We are all here to have an intelligent discussion...We will all take something away from each thread we read...either a validation that we agree/disagree with a stance or value or a new way of looking at something... GEL Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Children should be in a home where there is love, RESPECT, TRUST, Home is a sacred place. When one person is cheating, this is no longer the case. I rather raise my children in truth, by myself . Children learn from parents, Staying together Because of the kids does not make sense to me. They deserve much more then a mirserable Mom and Dad. I was referring to the fall-out these particular children will need to deal with when the truth comes out and both sets find out that their respective parents were cheating with the next door neighbor. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Yes, once the husband and wife make a go of things and try their best to make the marriage work. BECAUSE of he e kids, they have to try to fix it. To just walk away and say f**k it, it just nuts! Sometimes it's fixable (THUMBINGMYWAY's situation) and the marriage got stronger, and better...And, sometimes it doesn't work (BISH's situation). I agree, effort should be made to make the marriage honest again, if possible, but this can only be done, when all cards are on the table. BW also needs to know what she is dealing with. If they can work it out, great, but H and W needs to do what is right for themselves first. To hang in there because of the children is crazy, then everybody is living a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I get the competition piece from your own imagery...Maybe it is sub-concious or maybe you did not mean it to come across that way...Besides I am an OW and no matter how sound you feel your R is and how deep your trust is, I KNOW what it is like...Earlier it affected me more but now I understand me, him and our R better...Much of it from coming here and posting and reading others' perspectives...It's only natural to feel it sometimes... I know that the OW is not the reason for the D...that's why I put that out there: if the W knows about the OW, it will become the ONLY reason...Someone outside the M is much easier to blame... I totally agree that A's do not happen inside truly healthy M's...A's happen when one or both partners, for whatever reason, is not having an essential need of theirs met...Not to say that people who's needs aren't being met will always stray, just a probably a majority do...and could even be a narcissistic need... At the risk of being burnt at the stake or laughed off LS, I have to say that I do believe he is as loyal to me, as I am to him...I have seen him do things for me that I never thought I'd see him do...I've seen him evolve as a person and become a better partner...Ironic, I know... I focus on the postives of our R, and do my best not to dwell on the "what ifs"...And when I waver and need support or encouragement, I find comfort in my friends... And there's no offense taken by me from anyone...We are all here to have an intelligent discussion...We will all take something away from each thread we read...either a validation that we agree/disagree with a stance or value or a new way of looking at something... GEL I respect that. Ok, I am going to sleep, have to work in the morning, I am wore out by this conversation, Goodnight everyone! Wish you luck AP. Do what your heart tells you, either way you go, we are here to support you As you see different opinions, different situations, no A is alike, so there are no cookie cutter answers, HHMMMM to bad, huh, I sometimes wish there were, maybe life would be a little easier;) Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 You are not qualified to give advice or input into someone else's particular situation unless you're in it, now are you? I'm not sure what you mean, Trial. First, I didn't give advice, I offered an alternative view. Second, I think all advice is in some form helpful, even if that form is to listen to it and then ignore it promptly. But this comment wasn't about advice, it was about an assumption that there is only one way an A affects a marriage. Not only do I disagree, I am quite sure it is a factually inaccuracy. Link to post Share on other sites
Herzen Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 The problem with general opinion is individual facts. Some affairs cause more problems--in terms of human misery, psychological costs, etc.--than others. These costs may be felt acutely at first and then, over time, soften. Just as the term "marriage" does not describe a universal experience felt the same way by all people all the time, the word "affair" embraces a multitude of things. (When I use the term "affair" I mean one that has been discovered by all adult parties). At minimum, one can say that all affairs hurt someone and involve a betrayal of trust. The effects vary: some marriages survive (as did my ex-MW's), other marriages end (my did my own). The focus, post-affair, should not be on the marriage per se but the relationships between and among that universe of folks who inhabited the marital universe: spouses, kids, in-laws, parents, friends, etc. Affairs change these relationships. The marital status quo ends and all parties--including the innocent folks down stream from the affair-- must learn to navigate a brave new world. There are no maps. Divorce-affairs always disrupt and, for a time, can devastate lives (children are especially vulnerable).Most people, however, adapt and reconstruct new patterns of living and relating, as in my case. Still, this reconstruction of new affectional worlds is neither easy nor pain free. Affairs involve the triumph of Eros over common sense, empathy and care. Affairs change relationships because they destroy relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Children should be in a home where there is love, RESPECT, TRUST, Home is a sacred place. When one person is cheating, this is no longer the case. I rather raise my children in truth, by myself . Children learn from parents, Staying together Because of the kids does not make sense to me. They deserve much more then a mirserable Mom and Dad. V well said, Mino. I agree 100%. Of course, in an ideal world the cheating shouldn't happen in the first place, but it does. Fact. So, IMO, if a marriage isn't working it IS the best for all concerned for it to end, even if it doesn't seem that way at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
PoshPrincess Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I get the competition piece from your own imagery...Maybe it is sub-concious or maybe you did not mean it to come across that way...Besides I am an OW and no matter how sound you feel your R is and how deep your trust is, I KNOW what it is like...Earlier it affected me more but now I understand me, him and our R better...Much of it from coming here and posting and reading others' perspectives...It's only natural to feel it sometimes... I know that the OW is not the reason for the D...that's why I put that out there: if the W knows about the OW, it will become the ONLY reason...Someone outside the M is much easier to blame... I totally agree that A's do not happen inside truly healthy M's...A's happen when one or both partners, for whatever reason, is not having an essential need of theirs met...Not to say that people who's needs aren't being met will always stray, just a probably a majority do...and could even be a narcissistic need... At the risk of being burnt at the stake or laughed off LS, I have to say that I do believe he is as loyal to me, as I am to him...I have seen him do things for me that I never thought I'd see him do...I've seen him evolve as a person and become a better partner...Ironic, I know... I focus on the postives of our R, and do my best not to dwell on the "what ifs"...And when I waver and need support or encouragement, I find comfort in my friends... And there's no offense taken by me from anyone...We are all here to have an intelligent discussion...We will all take something away from each thread we read...either a validation that we agree/disagree with a stance or value or a new way of looking at something... GEL Gel, you've come SO far. Here's to you! I really wish I had found this site before the sh*t had hit the fan with my MM, then maybe I wouldn't have royally f*cked things up, or at least dealt with the ending in a more dignified way! Link to post Share on other sites
mystic_pizza Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I really think it might just be best to tell Xmm's(keep in mind they live nextdoor) W about what went on between the two of us! Since sometime has passed and thing's have calmed down alot now, I feel like I could inform her in a friendly manner. Do I want to hurt her feeling's? NO! Could I or will I by telling her? Not sure? However, I have some information that was given to me from a very trusted friend who know's about my ea with Xmm and know's a person he used to work with only a short time ago. He has done this before., so that would back up the fact that he CHEAT's !! Since it was only an ea, perhap's with me and mabey the other, mabey it's best for me to tell his W whom I see everyday, that she better keep an eye on him. If you have followed my story you will know that I fell for him because of the lack of love in my marriage, I am willing to admit that. Xmm alway's claimed to be happy. Well if Freakin' happy than why mess around pal? W need's to know about his action's! Any thought's? AP:) I do not post here often, but I have been lurking for a few months now and have read your posts about the ea. This guy is really eating you up inside isn't he? Why do you feel it is your responsibility to tell his W, especially since you are not even friends with her? Why can't you just resign yourself to the fact that you made a mistake by getting involved with him and move on? It sounds like you have a wonderful H who loves you and is willing to make your marriage work after finding out about the A. Why not just focus on that? Why would you even care about what his W knows if you don't really even like her? Obviously you don't because in an earlier post you mentioned that you could care less how she reacts. So, I ask, what is the point in telling then? I mean really now, what will it accomplish if you are being truthful about not caring? I am not trying to be confrontational, but you really seem obssessed about this. Have you thought about counseling to help dissipate the anger you feel towards your xMM? And, you may want to ask yourself why you are willing to withstand the controversy. Is it because you want it to be controversial? And, if so why? If you don't mind the backlash that will be caused as a result of your telling, then by all means tell already and get it off your chest. But, honestly, I don't see the point if you don't even like her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 I do not post here often, but I have been lurking for a few months now and have read your posts about the ea. This guy is really eating you up inside isn't he? Why do you feel it is your responsibility to tell his W, especially since you are not even friends with her? Why can't you just resign yourself to the fact that you made a mistake by getting involved with him and move on? It sounds like you have a wonderful H who loves you and is willing to make your marriage work after finding out about the A. Why not just focus on that? Why would you even care about what his W knows if you don't really even like her? Obviously you don't because in an earlier post you mentioned that you could care less how she reacts. So, I ask, what is the point in telling then? I mean really now, what will it accomplish if you are being truthful about not caring? I am not trying to be confrontational, but you really seem obssessed about this. Have you thought about counseling to help dissipate the anger you feel towards your xMM? And, you may want to ask yourself why you are willing to withstand the controversy. Is it because you want it to be controversial? And, if so why? If you don't mind the backlash that will be caused as a result of your telling, then by all means tell already and get it off your chest. But, honestly, I don't see the point if you don't even like her. Does it really matter if I like her or not? We never became friend's because we are just two diff people and we don't click. Ya know if this was a one time ea or a with just me than ok I'd say mm made a mistake, however that' not the case. His W is a decent woman who work's very hard to bring in a bulk of the income for their family, I DO think she should know that a man she loves and adores is a major sneak and cheat. As for my marriage I am working on it big time. For a long time I thought their was NO hope with H, however I see thing's in a diff way now. I KNOW I made a huge mistake by having an ea with this MM and I owned up to it. I never plan on cheating again, and wish I never did to begin with. If my H were out their cheating and lying, especially on more than once, well you can bet your A** I would want to KNOW about his actions! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
mystic_pizza Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Does it really matter if I like her or not? We never became friend's because we are just two diff people and we don't click. Ya know if this was a one time ea or a with just me than ok I'd say mm made a mistake, however that' not the case. His W is a decent woman who work's very hard to bring in a bulk of the income for their family, I DO think she should know that a man she loves and adores is a major sneak and cheat. As for my marriage I am working on it big time. For a long time I thought their was NO hope with H, however I see thing's in a diff way now. I KNOW I made a huge mistake by having an ea with this MM and I owned up to it. I never plan on cheating again, and wish I never did to begin with. If my H were out their cheating and lying, especially on more than once, well you can bet your A** I would want to KNOW about his actions! AP:) Well, it looks like you have made up your mind and feel comfortable telling her, so then maybe you should. If not telling her is the one thing that seems to be eating you up inside then it is best to get if off your chest. Couple of questions though. How does your husband feel about you telling her? That is important. And, will this put to rest your A once and for all? Do you feel this will help you bring closure to all of this? If not, and you are still angry because of the way he treated you then a whole new set of issues will brought into the mix by telling her. I wouldn't tell, but that's just me. It's your life and you need to do what you feel is best for you. Good luck with it, I hope it gives you the answers you have been searching for. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I'm not sure what you mean, Trial. First, I didn't give advice, I offered an alternative view. Second, I think all advice is in some form helpful, even if that form is to listen to it and then ignore it promptly. But this comment wasn't about advice, it was about an assumption that there is only one way an A affects a marriage. Not only do I disagree, I am quite sure it is a factually inaccuracy. That's quite hypocritical of you, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Affairs change relationships because they destroy relationships. Yes they do. Well said. answer, this is the final piece to your puzzle of coming clean. It's been gnawing at you for a long time now. Get it over with and then you'll be able to finally move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Well, it looks like you have made up your mind and feel comfortable telling her, so then maybe you should. If not telling her is the one thing that seems to be eating you up inside then it is best to get if off your chest. Couple of questions though. How does your husband feel about you telling her? That is important. And, will this put to rest your A once and for all? Do you feel this will help you bring closure to all of this? If not, and you are still angry because of the way he treated you then a whole new set of issues will brought into the mix by telling her. I wouldn't tell, but that's just me. It's your life and you need to do what you feel is best for you. Good luck with it, I hope it gives you the answers you have been searching for. Thank's for your post Mystic! Yes this mm is eating me up inside, the whole darn thing is! I mean really now people think about this? You have to see this man's wife everyday who seem's happy so to speak, just going about her life and behind her back and right under her nose her so called "Loving Husband" is cheating his heart out with Other woman. Not to mention the fact that he's now on the line with the new OW, and he send's his kid's over to my house to play so they won't hear his conversation! He must be so dumb to think I have not over heard him in his yard speaking. Perhap's he talk's loud enough just so I can hear. The whole d*** thing is just so NOT right! I have been keeping an eye on this just for my own proof! Even funnier he hang's up just as the wife is pulling in the driveway, exactly what he used to do while in the ea with me! I do see this as closure in so many way's. I put my marriage at risk by having the ea and I am not proud of that at all! I further risked loosing my entire life by fessing up! I often wonder now will my H cheat on me? I will live with that fear for the rest of my life now and it scares me. I AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
mystic_pizza Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 Thank's for your post Mystic! I often wonder now will my H cheat on me? I will live with that fear for the rest of my life now and it scares me. I AP:) Well, there are many things you can do to make your marriage even stronger. One way is to make special romantic time for the two of you without the kids around. Be spontaneous and surprise him. Make his head spin with great sex so he won't have time nor the desire to think about another woman. You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 AP - I get the feeling that you may be hurt by the fact that xMM has moved on to another conquest (evidence that he has gotten over YOU) and may be using this desire to tell the W ostensibly for her own good as an excuse to just blast xMM in revenge. Just the impression I get. If you find ANY TRUTH to the above, at all, I would say DON'T TELL. Good luck. I hope it works out for you and you get some real closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 Well, there are many things you can do to make your marriage even stronger. One way is to make special romantic time for the two of you without the kids around. Be spontaneous and surprise him. Make his head spin with great sex so he won't have time nor the desire to think about another woman. You can do it! I must say Mystic that all in all my H is very much turned on by me. He has alway's told me that I am so smoking hot that he does not even look at Other woman. I mean I'm sure he does to some extent for he's a male, however it's never been about the sex between us, it's the emotional side, this is why I think I fell into the ea so easy. All I know is that over the past 2 week's thing's have been much better with H. He has not been yelling and has been very reasonable with me. If he can keep that up it would melt my heart all over again. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 17, 2007 Author Share Posted August 17, 2007 AP - I get the feeling that you may be hurt by the fact that xMM has moved on to another conquest (evidence that he has gotten over YOU) and may be using this desire to tell the W ostensibly for her own good as an excuse to just blast xMM in revenge. Just the impression I get. If you find ANY TRUTH to the above, at all, I would say DON'T TELL. Good luck. I hope it works out for you and you get some real closure. NO! Sorry Way before hearing of an new OW (which is VERY recent) I wanted to tell! I am sure many would back me up here! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 I must say Mystic that all in all my H is very much turned on by me. He has alway's told me that I am so smoking hot that he does not even look at Other woman. I mean I'm sure he does to some extent for he's a male, however it's never been about the sex between us, it's the emotional side, this is why I think I fell into the ea so easy. All I know is that over the past 2 week's thing's have been much better with H. He has not been yelling and has been very reasonable with me. If he can keep that up it would melt my heart all over again. AP:) Are you turned on by your H, AP? Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 That's quite hypocritical of you, don't you think? No, not at all. And I'm not sure why it seems you're trying to pick a fight with me, Trial. Everyone on here can give and should give advice until the cows come home. That's what we're here for. But for anyone to say they know, for a fact, that circumstances of GEL's (or anyone's affair) and exactly what it has done to her MM's W is wrong. She and her MM are closest to that...maybe they know, but the rest of us don't. I objected to what was stated as a known fact by someone who can't know that fact; I did not object to advice. *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted August 17, 2007 Share Posted August 17, 2007 He has alway's told me that I am so smoking hot that he does not even look at Other woman. IAP:) You are smoking hot, AP. Which is why I'm not sure why you'd give xMM another thought. You don't need him. His W, by asking you that question last year, already knows so she doesn't need to hear it from you. I think you should take your smoking hot self and find your happiness, and I'm just not convinced it will be found by opening up this can o' worms. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 18, 2007 Author Share Posted August 18, 2007 Are you turned on by your H, AP? YES! While deep in the ea, I was not! I pulled away. Once the emotional connection was broke for me with mm I started to get back those "Turn on feeling's for my H. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 18, 2007 Author Share Posted August 18, 2007 You are smoking hot, AP. Which is why I'm not sure why you'd give xMM another thought. You don't need him. His W, by asking you that question last year, already knows so she doesn't need to hear it from you. I think you should take your smoking hot self and find your happiness, and I'm just not convinced it will be found by opening up this can o' worms. Thank's but, My smoking HOT self, LOL:lmao: is telling the W on Sunday if I don't chicken out! MM normally golf's and she's home by herself! She need's to KNOW about his way's, it's so darn cruel! This man claim's he's happy? Well sure when you an Egotistical B****** and the W let's you get away with it, a dream come ture for a guy like him! Well I will put his dream to bed when I inform the poor woman just how he is! Sorry folk's hate me if you will but this is what I must do, tell her. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Cliche Posted August 18, 2007 Share Posted August 18, 2007 Thank's but, My smoking HOT self, LOL:lmao: is telling the W on Sunday if I don't chicken out! MM normally golf's and she's home by herself! She need's to KNOW about his way's, it's so darn cruel! This man claim's he's happy? Well sure when you an Egotistical B****** and the W let's you get away with it, a dream come ture for a guy like him! Well I will put his dream to bed when I inform the poor woman just how he is! Sorry folk's hate me if you will but this is what I must do, tell her. AP:) I don't hate you. I admire your ability to make a decision you can live with, even knowing all the potential pitfalls. That is the definition of courage. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 18, 2007 Share Posted August 18, 2007 Thank's but, My smoking HOT self, LOL is telling the W on Sunday if I don't chicken out! MM normally golf's and she's home by herself! She need's to KNOW about his way's, it's so darn cruel! This man claim's he's happy? Well sure when you an Egotistical B****** and the W let's you get away with it, a dream come ture for a guy like him! Well I will put his dream to bed when I inform the poor woman just how he is! Sorry folk's hate me if you will but this is what I must do, tell her. I know there isn't anything I can do to change your mind AP in telling her. I honestly believe it's a huge mistake and you're going to regret it as soon as the words are out of your mouth. With that being said, you know I WILL be here to talk with you either on here or through PM's when the crap hits the fan later. There was an "if" in your post, so that does mean that you 'could' change your mind. You've waited this long, take more time, talk to your H, weigh ALL the good/bad of telling, then decide TOGETHER. Be prepared to own up to your part in your EA with her husband, she could direct alot of anger towards you...Or maybe things will go smoothly, who knows. Just be prepared for anything and everything. Link to post Share on other sites
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