Cobra_X30 Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I speak to H about my thought's regarding "Telling" and the whole ea at least a few times per week. AP:) Ughhh... Why would he constantly want to hear about this other guy? Seriously I know absolutely nothing about your H. Do you ever talk about him? How does he factor into this whole process? I guess what I dont understand is your fixation on this D-Bag. Seriously, you got played... plain and simple. You did good not going too far! But, where is the focus on your M? Every thought you spend on this EA sucks away from your M. You want your M to work right? I hope I'm just reading this completely wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 A letter? Yes I am very sure if she received a letter from me that she would not have any further question's? Come on that's just silly! AP:) And how do you propose to tell her about your past with her husband? "Um, I just want to tell you that your husband and I had more than an emotional connection. He touched me in many ways that you may not be aware of." Actually, it is NOT silly to walk over and talk with her about the fact that you feel guilty about what happened. I suggested a letter because this would give you the opportunity to see what you wrote and changed it if you needed. But if a conversation is what feels best to you, then that is great. But personally, I don't think a conversation about forgiveness includes details of the affair or allegations that her husband may have done it before. I am guessing that the wife would then assume that your actual reason for the conversation was NOT forgiveness but revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Then why are you stuck at this point? You have opened the lines of communication between you and your H. Do you feel the need to give MM and his W the same? Telling her what you think she doesn't know isn't likely to do that. You are really stuck on this one thing. Did your therapist recommend it? I know how you feel having been in a similar place once myself (different circumstances), but telling the other person was more about my want to be a hero than about whatever their feelings were going to be after I dropped the bomb on them. And like you, I felt that she may already have known quite a bit. Turns out she did, but at least I didn't tell her. And I didn't have to deal with the fallout of telling her. Once I let go of my desire to "be the bigger person" and tell her something with the potential to devastate her and got myself out of her business and of thinking that what I was going to tell her was for her own benefit, the easier it was to forget why telling her was so urgent in the first place. I guess if I did not live right nextdoor the urge to tell would not be as strong. It's just the simple fact that I see her just about everyday. I finally have come to the conclusion that I am VERY glad that thing's did not progress any further with this mm. Just by seeing how he can do this to her and right under her nose, gosh I would not want to be her, it would kill me, I could not live like that! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 So James are you saying that I should knock on her door and say something like this. "Please forgive me for falling head over heels for your most flirtatious "Charming" H"? AP:) I think this would actually make her laugh and tell you to come on in. Or it may make her think you feel that you are a victim and not part of the decision to tango. But believe it or not, this may be a way of opening the conversation. And then you can say that it has been bothering you so much that you are asking for her forgiveness so that you can move on. Is that going to be enough for you...or do you feel that it is necessary for you to give her all of the details and your suspicions about his possible affairs? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Just by seeing how he can do this to her and right under her nose, gosh I would not want to be her, it would kill me, I could not live like that! AP:) Women are smarter than you give her credit for. Yes, many women have no clue at first, but many women simply ignore it. They want their life as it is. However, in her case, we DO know based on your posts that she does know of your affair with the MM. And there is no reason to believe that she has never heard about his past alleged behavior. But there is also the (big) possibility that your affair with the MM has already brought about a change between them. Do they go out together more often? DO they spend more time together? I am not sure how you would know that her life is so miserable...this is not something that married men and women usually make public. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 I'm curious. How does your H feel about all of this? Has he made any suggestions? Are him and this neighbor friends? How would you feel if a woman came to you and confessed having a relationship with your H? What if it turned out that she was a woman you thought you could trust? This is just all so convoluted. I wish I had a good answer for you and I really am intriged by the whole thing. I am just curious as to the root causes of such infidelities. I guess that is why I ask questions. Only answer if you wish to. Kind regards My H does not speak to either one of them, has not since I told him of the ea. H and I mostly joke and laugh about the two of them. Yes this is very convoluted and I am ashamed that I became involved in the first place. How would you feel if a woman came to you and confessed having a relationship with your H? What if it turned out that she was a woman you thought you could trust? At first I would want to rip the OW's and my H's head off. But I would be very glad to know that the man I married was messing around because I would throw him out on the street. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 At first I would want to rip the OW's and my H's head off. But I would be very glad to know that the man I married was messing around because I would throw him out on the street. And this is what you assume that the exMM's wife will do if you tell her? Just wondering. The thing is, you have NO control over how she handles the news. She may decide to forgive him and go to counselling with him, they may move, they may divorce...either way, IF you tell - The problem then will be taken behind closed doors and you will be completely shut out of their life in everyway. And, what if they decide not to move, they stay together...Can you handle that? Are you sure you would throw your H out of the house? I mean, your H has given you a second chance AP...If I were in your shoes, I would re-consider just because of the circumstances now. Hang in there, keep busy and focus on the kids, get them ready for school. I'm sure once everyone goes back to their regular routine, it'll be easier to detach more and be inside, especially over the winter time.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Women are smarter than you give her credit for. Yes, many women have no clue at first, but many women simply ignore it. They want their life as it is. However, in her case, we DO know based on your posts that she does know of your affair with the MM. And there is no reason to believe that she has never heard about his past alleged behavior. But there is also the (big) possibility that your affair with the MM has already brought about a change between them. Do they go out together more often? DO they spend more time together? I am not sure how you would know that her life is so miserable...this is not something that married men and women usually make public. Good thought''s and questions here James. I have noticed that they actually do Less together now. He seem's to be gone alot. He also leave's very early for work all of a sudden, never used to before? AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 But I would be very glad to know that the man I married was messing around because I would throw him out on the street. [/i] AP:) Is this what you want her to do too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 And this is what you assume that the exMM's wife will do if you tell her? Just wondering. The thing is, you have NO control over how she handles the news. She may decide to forgive him and go to counselling with him, they may move, they may divorce...either way, IF you tell - The problem then will be taken behind closed doors and you will be completely shut out of their life in everyway. And, what if they decide not to move, they stay together...Can you handle that? Are you sure you would throw your H out of the house? I mean, your H has given you a second chance AP...If I were in your shoes, I would re-consider just because of the circumstances now. Hang in there, keep busy and focus on the kids, get them ready for school. I'm sure once everyone goes back to their regular routine, it'll be easier to detach more and be inside, esp ecially over the winter time.. Thank's Whichway! Would I throw H on the street? Most likely not! However I would be tempted to! I do commend my H for how he has handled this whole thing. I am pretty sure though if the affair had SEX involoved I would not be living in my house anymore! AP Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Is this what you want her to do too? Not at all! By telling I would love to see them get some help, because it's clearly needed! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I have noticed that they actually do Less together now. He seem's to be gone alot. He also leave's very early for work all of a sudden, never used to before? AP:) She is definitely going to think you're a stalker. Judging from the above quote, I don't blame her. Why are you keeping such close tabs on his whereabouts? It's none of your business. You are way too involved in this couples marriage. Leave them alone and concentrate on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Good thought''s and questions here James. I have noticed that they actually do Less together now. He seems to be gone a lot. He also leaves very early for work all of a sudden, never used to before? AP:) This could indicate one of many things... They are staying together for the kids, and she knows everything. They have decided to work on their marriage, and they are beginning all over to "love" each other. His job requires him to go to work more often earlier in the morning. They do less together outside of the house, but they sit together more often in the house. Her job is more strenuous, so she is tired. His job requires more, so he is tired. My point is that no matter how you see it from the outside, the actual relationship is unknown on the inside. For you to do more than simply find a way to ask forgiveness does nothing for you (or does it?) and does everything to ruin their relationship....which may already be on the mend. And if it is not on the mend, do you think the kids will be happier if their parents are split? Does your husband support the decision to talk to the wife about the details of the affair and the MM's possible multiple affairs? Could his motivation be that he wants to see the MM's life in ruins? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 You are way too involved in this couples marriage. Leave them alone and concentrate on your own. As harsh as it sounds, I think this statement is true. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Not at all! By telling I would love to see them get some help, because it's clearly needed! AP:) That was my point in my previous point. Why do you even care about what goes on in their M? Whether help is needed or not, where do you draw the line between what is your business and what is not? This is what I had to do for my own sanity. I knew of another A that a friend's H was having. A lot of people knew. It was being conducted right under her nose. Of course, they needed help. But I wasn't equipped to help them. I don't think that telling is helping in most cases. But that's JMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Not at all! By telling I would love to see them get some help, because it's clearly needed! AP:) Okay, I can understand that, but AP, it isn't up to you to decide or push them into that. You can't do something and expect the results to go your way, let alone control something that is completely out of your hands. Sure, MC is what is needed, but it's up to them to go together by choice, not be forced into it, especially by you. You know what I mean? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Not at all! By telling I would love to see them get some help, because it's clearly needed! AP:) So your motivation is to see the MM and his wife have a better relationship? Would that help you move on? Why do you think that your telling the wife of the details of your affair...and passing on hearsay evidence regarding allegations concerning other affairs....be the method that would help their marriage? One way you could help is to ask for forgiveness, and tell the wife that you are her friend. "Oh, and BTW whenever you and your husband want to get away for an evening or even an overnighter, I will be glad to babysit your children." As a married man who has a tough time getting away with my wife...without children, this is one of the nicest gifts that someone can give us. This getting away together does a lot for our relationship. We can catch up on simply being friends...and quit being parents for a few hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Great suggestion! Now THAT would be helping a couple with their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 She is definitely going to think you're a stalker. Judging from the above quote, I don't blame her. Why are you keeping such close tabs on his whereabouts? It's none of your business. You are way too involved in this couples marriage. Leave them alone and concentrate on your own. I am not keeping close tab's I just happen to notice because I am out and about with my children so much. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 So your motivation is to see the MM and his wife have a better relationship? Would that help you move on? Why do you think that your telling the wife of the details of your affair...and passing on hearsay evidence regarding allegations concerning other affairs....be the method that would help their marriage? One way you could help is to ask for forgiveness, and tell the wife that you are her friend. "Oh, and BTW whenever you and your husband want to get away for an evening or even an overnighter, I will be glad to babysit your children." As a married man who has a tough time getting away with my wife...without children, this is one of the nicest gifts that someone can give us. This getting away together does a lot for our relationship. We can catch up on simply being friends...and quit being parents for a few hours. Why do you think that your telling the wife of the details of your affair...and passing on hearsay evidence regarding allegations concerning other affairs....be the method that would help their marriage? Because if she's aware of how he act's behind her back and not just a thought or what if he is cheating? But proof from me, she will have the choice to take a look at their relationship. Who know's she might be not giving him all that he need's? He might just need personal help for himself? By my H learning of my A it lead him to anger management and it's NOW seem's to be working for him and our marriage. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 So your motivation is to see the MM and his wife have a better relationship? Would that help you move on? Why do you think that your telling the wife of the details of your affair...and passing on hearsay evidence regarding allegations concerning other affairs....be the method that would help their marriage? One way you could help is to ask for forgiveness, and tell the wife that you are her friend. "Oh, and BTW whenever you and your husband want to get away for an evening or even an overnighter, I will be glad to babysit your children." As a married man who has a tough time getting away with my wife...without children, this is one of the nicest gifts that someone can give us. This getting away together does a lot for our relationship. We can catch up on simply being friends...and quit being parents for a few hours. Oh, and BTW whenever you and your husband want to get away for an evening or even an overnighter, I will be glad to babysit your children." I don't need to offer that! Their children live at my house and I take them every where. Infact the whole neighborhood cares for their kid's while they have lot's of alone time. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Okay, I can understand that, but AP, it isn't up to you to decide or push them into that. You can't do something and expect the results to go your way, let alone control something that is completely out of your hands. Sure, MC is what is needed, but it's up to them to go together by choice, not be forced into it, especially by you. You know what I mean? Hey, it feels like you guys are stuck in the wrong gear here. Your the wisest voice in this thread... are you feeling that too or is it just me? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Because if she's aware of how he act's behind her back and not just a thought or what if he is cheating? But proof from me, she will have the choice to take a look at their relationship. Who know's she might be not giving him all that he need's? He might just need personal help for himself? Repeat after me, THEIR MARRIAGE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Seriously, I'm just shaking my head here, STAY OUT OF IT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Repeat after me, THEIR MARRIAGE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! Seriously, I'm just shaking my head here, STAY OUT OF IT. HE Made it my business when he choose to have a 1 1/2 long ea with me! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 HE Made it my business when he choose to have a 1 1/2 long ea with me! AP:) That had nothing to do with their marriage. That had to do with the two of you. And its over. He made nothing of his marriage your business. Imagine him saying the same thing. You would think it *silly*. AP, you're reaching. Link to post Share on other sites
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