I truely think she (W) need's to know!

[lovernotafighter]

AP I mean no offense and I didn't read this thread just a bit here and there but I am going by what I have read in the past.

 

didn't this end over a year ago..like may of 07? don't you think the time to go over all this would have been then and not over a year later?

 

why are you letting this do this to you after all this time, have you not moved on at all?

 

I recall you let made mountians out of mole hills then, which was impressive but a YEAR later?!! AP please stop and look at what your talking about here, you are completly obsessed with this man, no matter what you say that is what it is and you have to try to get some help, seriously this is not healthy!

 

he has gave you nothing at all to go on all this time he should not even be on your mind, even if you have to see him, who cares?? you had your chance to tell his wife and you didn't, it's over and done, after all this time why would she believe you? there is no point. drop it and work on you.

[Meaplus3]

AP I mean no offense and I didn't read this thread just a bit here and there but I am going by what I have read in the past.

 

didn't this end over a year ago..like may of 07? don't you think the time to go over all this would have been then and not over a year later?

 

why are you letting this do this to you after all this time, have you not moved on at all?

 

I recall you let made mountians out of mole hills then, which was impressive but a YEAR later?!! AP please stop and look at what your talking about here, you are completly obsessed with this man, no matter what you say that is what it is and you have to try to get some help, seriously this is not healthy!

 

he has gave you nothing at all to go on all this time he should not even be on your mind, even if you have to see him, who cares?? you had your chance to tell his wife and you didn't, it's over and done, after all this time why would she believe you? there is no point. drop it and work on you.

 

Nope! Ended in April that was only a few month's back!

 

AP;)

[lovernotafighter]

Nope! Ended in April that was only a few month's back!

 

AP;)

what? well i haven't been here I must have missed a ton, I know you had said way back in the day you broke up, so you got back together and were together for another year?

or am I confusing you with someone else, sorry if I did

[lovernotafighter]

umm...AP, I was just looking at your threads, I don't see where you are together with your MM, what is going on here?

[Meaplus3]

umm...AP, I was just looking at your threads, I don't see where you are together with your MM, what is going on here?

 

Did I say I was together with him? NO I did not! Why do you care anyway? Does not seem like you are saying anything helpful.

 

AP:)

[lovernotafighter]

yes, you did say that it just ended a few months ago, which would suggest you were 'with' him just above my post ^

 

I was trying to be helpful by suggesting you have held on to this for a really long time and it isnt healthy, I am sad your so involved with him but your not with him..it doesn't make sense to me, and despite what you think I wish I could be helpfull but a shrink might be the best thing for you and not telling the wife

[Meaplus3]

yes, you did say that it just ended a few months ago, which would suggest you were 'with' him just above my post ^

 

I was trying to be helpful by suggesting you have held on to this for a really long time and it isnt healthy, I am sad your so involved with him but your not with him..it doesn't make sense to me, and despite what you think I wish I could be helpfull but a shrink might be the best thing for you and not telling the wife

 

Yes the whole thing is unhealthy I do realize that. It was a big time very long ea!!!! Sorry, but I guess I require a tad bit more time then other's to work through my feeling's. The fact that I have to reside next to this mm does not help one bit.

 

AP:)

[2sunny]

i would say don't tell - it's not your place and only looks like revenge.

 

besides, she probably already knows just by the instincts of women.

[bonehead]

AP,

 

Im not saying I totally disagree with you telling her, though I too question your motive.

 

I do think a large part of your motive is self serving. You want to tell to make you feel better, and maybe punish him. To be honest, if I was in your position I think I would feel the exact same way. No one else on here has to see this woman every day and continue to live a lie.

 

That being said, if it was just an EA with you I agree that everyone ( except you ) would be better off if you didnt say a word to her. Thik of the fall out if you do tell her. Think of how it will effect the friendship between the kids.

 

But if you have PROOF that there is another affair going on involving him, then by all means you need to say something. If this is a pattern for him she has every right and NEED to know. Sorry people, but EAs quite often lead to PAs which can lead to PGs or STDs.

 

And coming from AP, with the fact the W asked her about them at one point, may not be such a horrible thing. Yes it will be bad, but I think it would be better from her then an outsider.

 

Just my two cents worth.

[Meaplus3]

i would say don't tell - it's not your place and only looks like revenge.

 

besides, she probably already knows just by the instincts of women.

 

I could see how it would look like revenge. I do agree with you that she could suspect something went on with me and perhap's many OW. I guess that's where her and I would be different, because I would confront the OW if I had the chance and I would want to know all the details! Good god who whould not? By her suspecting and not asking question's when she know's she could very well get answer's from me or another OW that made themselve's available, it' almost make's me think she has no repsect for herself . I just think it's so very sad for her and her children.

 

AP:)

[annabelle75]

I think she should tell. I don't always feel that way, as I have instructed others to not tell in the past. But in this case I think the W should be told. This guy is a total snake and his W has a right to know. I have no doubt he will have another A and probably not just an EA. Its about time some one nipped it in the bud and gave the W the chance do decided what she can live with. And it would appear AP is the only one willing to tell her, so I think she should do it. Even though she might not appreciate the source of the information, at least she will now have heard the truth. Whether or not sho chooses to accept it is up to her.

[Impudent Oyster]

What's your motivation for telling his wife? Surely you don't care about her, if you did, you wouldn't have slept with her husband.

 

Just admit that you want him to pay, you want revenge, you want him to answer for his lying and cheating the same way you've had to answer for it.

 

At least admit that much, and since that is the real reason you want to snitch, then maybe you should tell her. Should result in some great hysterical bonding and a house up for sale in the immediate neighborhood.

 

There is a reason the saying is "Don't shoot the messenger". You'll be labeled as the psychotic wh*re who stalked her husband.

 

Oh and, "it almost makes you think she has no respect for herself"? You're kidding, right? You cheated on your husband by sleeping with her husband, so you might want to rethink just who doesn't have any self-respect.

[annabelle75]

What's your motivation for telling his wife? Surely you don't care about her, if you did, you wouldn't have slept with her husband.

 

Just admit that you want him to pay, you want revenge, you want him to answer for his lying and cheating the same way you've had to answer for it.

 

At least admit that much, and since that is the real reason you want to snitch, then maybe you should tell her. Should result in some great hysterical bonding and a house up for sale in the immediate neighborhood.

 

There is a reason the saying is "Don't shoot the messenger". You'll be labeled as the psychotic wh*re who stalked her husband.

 

Oh and, "it almost makes you think she has no respect for herself"? You're kidding, right? You cheated on your husband by sleeping with her husband, so you might want to rethink just who doesn't have any self-respect.

 

So?

 

At this stage I honestly don't think her motivation really matters. She's not trying to break up the marriage. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with the MM. She just doesn't want to live under the lie anymore and doesn't think he should either.

 

The bottom line is the W has the right to know.

 

In fact I don't think it really matters who tells her. Go ahead and send me her ph# or email address and I'll tell her. Some body just needs to let her know what has been happening behind her back. This man is making a fool out of her and she needs to know so she can make the best choice for her.

[bonehead]

What's your motivation for telling his wife? Surely you don't care about her, if you did, you wouldn't have slept with her husband.

 

Just admit that you want him to pay, you want revenge, you want him to answer for his lying and cheating the same way you've had to answer for it.

 

At least admit that much, and since that is the real reason you want to snitch, then maybe you should tell her. Should result in some great hysterical bonding and a house up for sale in the immediate neighborhood.

 

There is a reason the saying is "Don't shoot the messenger". You'll be labeled as the psychotic wh*re who stalked her husband.

 

Oh and, "it almost makes you think she has no respect for herself"? You're kidding, right? You cheated on your husband by sleeping with her husband, so you might want to rethink just who doesn't have any self-respect.

 

1) She didnt sleep with him. It was an emotional affair.

 

2) Can YOU really tell her what her motive is? YOU dont have to live next door to this woman and live a lie every day. YOU dont have her children in your home every day.

 

3) With the fact the wife suspected something in the past, I really have doubts that she will be labeled a psycho stalker.

[JamesM]

By her suspecting and not asking question's when she knows she could very well get answer's from me or another OW that made themselves available, it' almost makes me think she has no respect for herself . I just think it's so very sad for her and her children.

 

First, the obvious answer is that she may NOT want answers. This is not necessarily bad. Additional details of his involvement with you will not help her decision to stay or leave. Knowing that he touched you in certain ways or didn't will not change her mind. From what I read here, most women find the emotional attachment to another woman more offensive than the physical attachment.She may have already decided that she will resolve the problem with her husband. She probably knows that he cheated at least emotionally, but she also probably thinks that he cheated physically. Most women do not believe that their husbands would stop at just an emotional affair. However, if she chooses to believe him as he says, then this is her prerogative.

 

Second, I am not sure that there are answers that you can give her that she does not already know from her husband. Do you want to give her dates, times, places, and details? I am not a woman, but as a man I am not sure that this is helpful in rebuilding her marriage.

 

Third, Her perceived lack of respect will not be regained by her knowing more than she does. Her respect for herself MAY be regained IF she decides to leave her husband. But I think this would be if he has had more than one affair. From what you have said, we don't know this. We can say that no man stops at only one, or if he cheated with you, he must have cheated before....but we don't know this. Remember, there IS always a first time. She may have decided that this was his first time. She may have decided to give him another chance, and so she has forgiven him his "mistake." If she was on this Board, I think some would give her that advice. (I wonder what our advice would be to her concerning the OW who lives next door? ) However, her respect for herself will be diminished if she KNOWS of previous affairs, and she still stays with him. But, hey, we don't know if SHE has something on the side, do we?

 

Fourth, I do not see how it is sad for her and the children. The children would rather see their parents together than apart...if there is a possibility of the parents staying together. Most children ARE oblivious to the real relationship that their parents have. Again, if the MM is a serial cheater and this is known by the wife and children, then this may present a problem. Why? Because the boys think that it is okay to cheat on their wives, ad the girls think it is acceptable to marry a cheating husband. But I think this is unlikely. I am more inclined to believe that the MM has not cheated much or if ever before you, but if he has, then I doubt the children know. In their minds, they just want their parents together. And the wife thinks the same. For now, she will keep her family together.

 

I am certain that the MM has decided that his wife and family are more important than the OW. We see that from many men who come here. He probably feels that he dodged a bullet (metaphorically speaking only, I hope ). Now he has rededicated himself to his family. From what you have typed, I don't see evidence that he is still cheating.

 

Based on all of the above, I find no reason that you should have a "talk" with the MM's wife. The result of this conversation will not be good. It will create bad feelings between you and your neighbors. You will end up losing the friendship of the MM and his wife...more than you have already. And I am guessing that his children, who it sounds enjoy coming to your house, will no longer be coming to your house.

 

I am also certain that this talk will NOT in anyway bring you and the MM closer. It may give you the satisfaction of revenge (yes, we are all human), but this is fleeting. It will not bring you and your husband closer, but it may cause a bigger rift than there already is. It may also cause some animosity between you and your children when they learn that you are the reason that the neighbor kids can no longer come over.

 

I say all of this with concern for you...and not the MM or his family.

[Impudent Oyster]

So?

 

At this stage I honestly don't think her motivation really matters. She's not trying to break up the marriage.

The bottom line is the W has the right to know.

 

In fact I don't think it really matters who tells her. Go ahead and send me her ph# or email address and I'll tell her. Some body just needs to let her know what has been happening behind her back. This man is making a fool out of her and she needs to know so she can make the best choice for her.

 

I disagree with you that she's not trying to break up the marriage, I absolutely think she is, but that's just my opinion, FWIW.

 

I do agree with you that the W should know though. Sure, call her with some SPECIFIC DETAILS and let her know.

 

I disagree that the man is making a fool of his wife, he's making a fool of himself. I certainly don't think that trusting one's spouse qualifies her as a fool, but her husband is for sure a pig who's been getting away with too much for too long.

[JamesM]

So?

 

At this stage I honestly don't think her motivation really matters. She's not trying to break up the marriage. She doesn't want to be in a relationship with the MM. She just doesn't want to live under the lie anymore and doesn't think he should either.

 

The bottom line is the W has the right to know.

 

In fact I don't think it really matters who tells her. Go ahead and send me her ph# or email address and I'll tell her. Some body just needs to let her know what has been happening behind her back. This man is making a fool out of her and she needs to know so she can make the best choice for her.

 

Her motivation DOES matter. Whether she is trying to break up the marriage or not, this is one of the results. And we do not know if she wants to be with the MM. Her anger may say she doesn't now, but if broke it off with his wife, who knows?

 

What lie is SHE living under? She told her husband. The MM says he told his wife. What lie do we have? We do have the fact that she QUESTIONS if he told his wife. But if I go back and read her many posts regarding this, I see from the wife's behavior that I think the wife knows. Yes, this is my interpretation, but what AP has said is all we have.

 

The bottom line is that from what we have read in the past is that AP thinks the wife knows. But AP does not think that the wife knows all of the details. Does the wife know that her husband physically touched AP? Is this important? It seems from past posts that the MM told his wife that he had some strong emotional connection with AP. And knowing how many women respond, his wife has decided to forgive him his discretion and move on. Yet in her heart she has also decided that the next discretion will be his last. And I am guessing that she has told him.

 

Yes, it DOES matter who tells her. If the OW tells of the affair, the W will be more inclined to believe that the OW has a motivation beyond the welfare of the wife. In fact, the wife will be less inclined to believe AP than she would one of her own friends. If you or I told the wife, she would wonder why we told her, where we heard it from, and whether it is true.

 

Ask any police officer. One of the most dangerous house calls to make is a domestic violence "visit." The victim (which is usually the wife) and the abuser usually suddenly unite together against the officer, and this can turn deadly. Even if the wife ad husband are equal, it becomes the "He may be stupid, abusive, and a cheat, but this is my problem...you stay out of it."

 

So, who should tell? Should anyone? Me....I say leave well alone. From outward appearances based on AP's posts, the wife and husband are getting along fine.

[Impudent Oyster]

1) She didnt sleep with him. It was an emotional affair.

 

2) Can YOU really tell her what her motive is? YOU dont have to live next door to this woman and live a lie every day. YOU dont have her children in your home every day.

 

3) With the fact the wife suspected something in the past, I really have doubts that she will be labeled a psycho stalker.

 

1)Yanno what? Emotional affairs are every bit (if not more) damaging than physical affairs. She doesn't get points for NOT sleeping with him, and vice versa.

 

2)Why is she living a lie? Shouldn't she have thought of that BEFORE she got involved? How could she have those kids in her home while this was all going on? Is it only painful now that the affair is over?

 

3)Trust me, she will be labeled. Any woman who can't say no to a married man is not going to come out unscathed, and will be judged by the wife.

[annabelle75]

AP knows the wife, the MM and she knows herself. She's the only one that knows were the truths lie in this situation. So, I'm just going to take her word for it and advise her based on the information she has given us instead of making assumptions and assuming she has malicious intent.

 

Tell. She should know everything.

[JamesM]

 

2) Can YOU really tell her what her motive is? YOU dont have to live next door to this woman and live a lie every day. YOU dont have her children in your home every day.

 

3) With the fact the wife suspected something in the past, I really have doubts that she will be labeled a psycho stalker.

 

We don't know her motivation, but if we read past posts, we can get an idea.

 

I am not certain where we read that the wife suspected anything from the past. I do think that the wife suspects or knows that AP and the MM were involved. At this point after living next to AP, the MM's wife already has an opinion...one way or another...regarding AP.

 

AP is NOT living a lie next to the MM. AP has told her husband, she has "heard" from the MM that he told his wife...what more is needed? Please define what is meant by "living a lie?" After AP has told the MM's wife and this wife decides to continue with her marriage, will AP feel better? If the MM and his wife divorce, will AP feel better? What is the desired result?

 

AP "thinks" that the MM is not telling the truth regarding what he told his wife, but don't you think that if he told her anything, she might suspect more? And if she did, wouldn't she talk to AP herself?

[Cinabon]

I think the labels need to be thrown out the door. JMO

[JamesM]

AP knows the wife, the MM and she knows herself. She's the only one that knows were the truths lie in this situation. So, I'm just going to take her word for it and advise her based on the information she has given us instead of making assumptions and assuming she has malicious intent.

 

Tell. She should know everything.

 

I question whether she DOES know everything. I do not think she has been privy to the conversations between the MM and his wife. From what I read, she assumes that he could not have told everything because why would she stay if she knew what he did? I have never heard that AP knows if the MM has been with any other women, I think she has assumed that he must have if he so easily dismissed her and went back to his wife.

 

I highly doubt that anything that AP says will change the situation next door.

 

Based on the fact that AP is making numerous assumptions, I don't think she should tell.

[Cinabon]

I havent read the entire thread i'm coming in pretty late. But I think telling the W is the responsibily of the H.

[annabelle75]

I question whether she DOES know everything. I do not think she has been privy to the conversations between the MM and his wife. From what I read, she assumes that he could not have told everything because why would she stay if she knew what he did? I have never heard that AP knows if the MM has been with any other women, I think she has assumed that he must have if he so easily dismissed her and went back to his wife.

 

I highly doubt that anything that AP says will change the situation next door.

 

Based on the fact that AP is making numerous assumptions, I don't think she should tell.

 

So ... what's the point? If AP ends up stelling her stuff that she already knows, what's the problem? She'll now know that the truth has been disclosed and then everyone involved can move on with their lives without this cloud of deciet living over them.

 

I'm finding it amusing that there are certain posters here in this thread that are questioning AP's motives and telling her not to tell for no other reason she has decided telling is the righ tthing to do. If she had started this thread saying that she wanted ot hide the truth from the W these same posters would be attacking her and saying the W has the right to know. They just want to find fault in whatever AP does. Leave her alone. (James - this was not addressed to you. i just didn't want to make a separate post for it)

[whichwayisup]

Tell. She should know everything.

 

This is the one thing I don't get and it's a common thing amongst OW. When an OW is in the affair and all is good - There are NO thoughts of telling. But, as soon as the A ends or isn't going well, the OW does a 180 and wants to tell.