I truely think she (W) need's to know!

[NoIDidn't]

I highly doubt that anything that AP says will change the situation next door.

 

Based on the fact that AP is making numerous assumptions, I don't think she should tell.

 

James, I totally agree with your assessment. I agree with LNF too. Anyone reading the history of AP's threads can see that this comes up every other month or week, with the same rationalizations and adding a little more.

 

This isn't some sudden streak of alturism from AP. And it will not yield the desired results either. It has the potential to ruin what's left of her marriage, the children's friendships with just about everyone that they know (as the word will travel, and they will end up being "that woman's" children), her reputation ("that woman"), and anything else that she hasn't considered.

 

It simply isn't worth it. And AP is starting to make insulting assumptions too. No self-respect? That's one that comes up when someone is on the defensive for certain.

 

Not to mention, when this woman starts fighting for her marriage, AP is going to be compelled to tell her more and more and more because it seems like her only goal is for him to be more miserable than she perceives herself to be. And then it will be called stalking and harassment. Its already bordering on obsessive.

[JamesM]

So ... what's the point? If AP ends ups telling her stuff that she already knows, what's the problem? She'll now know that the truth has been disclosed and then everyone involved can move on with their lives without this cloud of deceit living over them.

 

 

 

If AP tells her what she knows, then the only one who has any benefit is AP, and then I do not think she will get any benefit. Here is why:

 

As a neighbor, she will have severed ties with them. It is not just her and the neighbors...it is her kids, too. It is the gatherings that they have.

 

She will reopen wounds that may already be healing. This not necessary nor beneficial.

 

She will probably now have this affair brought up in her own family. This means her husband will have to deal with his own emotions regarding this affair. He may even have the MM's wife come over and tell HIM what she now knows. Will this hurt anyone?

 

From what I read, the one who needs to move on is AP, and she feels that by telling what she knows, she CAN move on. Personally, I do not think this will help her in moving on, but I cannot speak for her in this area.

 

What I do know is that she asked, and I am giving my opinion. And hopefully, it will be taken as only constructive and for her best interests...as I see it.

[Meaplus3]

AP,

 

Im not saying I totally disagree with you telling her, though I too question your motive.

 

I do think a large part of your motive is self serving. You want to tell to make you feel better, and maybe punish him. To be honest, if I was in your position I think I would feel the exact same way. No one else on here has to see this woman every day and continue to live a lie.

 

That being said, if it was just an EA with you I agree that everyone ( except you ) would be better off if you didnt say a word to her. Thik of the fall out if you do tell her. Think of how it will effect the friendship between the kids.

 

But if you have PROOF that there is another affair going on involving him, then by all means you need to say something. If this is a pattern for him she has every right and NEED to know. Sorry people, but EAs quite often lead to PAs which can lead to PGs or STDs.

 

And coming from AP, with the fact the W asked her about them at one point, may not be such a horrible thing. Yes it will be bad, but I think it would be better from her then an outsider.

 

Just my two cents worth.

 

If this is a pattern for him she has every right and NEED to know. Sorry people, but EAs quite often lead to PAs which can lead to PGs or STDs.

 

Bonehead, Thank's so very much for your post, I alway's love to hear your thought's Above in bold is EXACTLY right on! It's clearly his pattern, and yes just because he only had an ea with me and not a pa, the current ea could very well turn into a pa and that would be just awful.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

If AP tells her what she knows, then the only one who has any benefit is AP, and then I do not think she will get any benefit. Here is why:

 

As a neighbor, she will have severed ties with them. It is not just her and the neighbors...it is her kids, too. It is the gatherings that they have.

 

She will reopen wounds that may already be healing. This not necessary nor beneficial.

 

She will probably now have this affair brought up in her own family. This means her husband will have to deal with his own emotions regarding this affair. He may even have the MM's wife come over and tell HIM what she now knows. Will this hurt anyone?

 

From what I read, the one who needs to move on is AP, and she feels that by telling what she knows, she CAN move on. Personally, I do not think this will help her in moving on, but I cannot speak for her in this area.

 

What I do know is that she asked, and I am giving my opinion. And hopefully, it will be taken as only constructive and for her best interests...as I see it.

 

From what I read, the one who needs to move on is AP, and she feels that by telling what she knows, she CAN move on. Personally, I do not think this will help her in moving on, but I cannot speak for her in this area.

 

NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Meaplus3]

1) She didnt sleep with him. It was an emotional affair.

 

2) Can YOU really tell her what her motive is? YOU dont have to live next door to this woman and live a lie every day. YOU dont have her children in your home every day.

 

3) With the fact the wife suspected something in the past, I really have doubts that she will be labeled a psycho stalker.

 

Well said Bonehead! I do have to look the poor woman just about everyday. I freakin' feed thier children, clean up after them, they live here! I have known these people for many year's! Ya know when the W wife asked me flat out in NOV, what has gone on between me and her H? I should have told her then, because she clearly wanted to know. I did not! Probably a big mistake!

 

AP:)

[JamesM]

From what I read, the one who needs to move on is AP, and she feels that by telling what she knows, she CAN move on. Personally, I do not think this will help her in moving on, but I cannot speak for her in this area.

 

NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I am not clear here. It is probably me, but can you clarify your answer, please?

 

What is not true? That you can move on after telling the MM's wife, or that you don not think this will help you? DO you feel that by telling the MM's wife, she can move on? Do you think she is having a hard time moving on?

[bonehead]

From what I read, the one who needs to move on is AP, and she feels that by telling what she knows, she CAN move on. Personally, I do not think this will help her in moving on, but I cannot speak for her in this area.

 

 

I would have to disagree with you on this not helping her move on.

 

One thing that is required of inmates ( sorry AP ) to be paroled early in this state is a letter to the victims of their crimes. And yes it has been shown to make a difference.

 

 

Stop and think of what this is putting AP through. She wants to admit her wrongs. She also wants to make sure his wife knows what has happened and what very well may be happening again.

 

 

As I said before, if she has PROOF that he is involved in another affair I feel she should tell his wife.

[bonehead]

Well said Bonehead! I do have to look the poor woman just about everyday. I freakin' feed thier children, clean up after them, they live here! I have known these people for many year's! Ya know when the W wife asked me flat out in NOV, what has gone on between me and her H? I should have told her then, because she clearly wanted to know. I did not! Probably a big mistake!

 

AP:)

 

Sorry dear, but yes, big mistake.

[JamesM]

I really think it might just be best to tell Xmm's(keep in mind they live nextdoor) W about what went on between the two of us! Since sometime has passed and thing's have calmed down alot now, I feel like I could inform her in a friendly manner. Do I want to hurt her feeling's? NO! Could I or will I by telling her? Not sure? However, I have some information that was given to me from a very trusted friend who know's about my ea with Xmm and know's a person he used to work with only a short time ago. He has done this before., so that would back up the fact that he CHEAT's !! Since it was only an ea, perhap's with me and mabey the other, mabey it's best for me to tell his W whom I see everyday, that she better keep an eye on him. If you have followed my story you will know that I fell for him because of the lack of love in my marriage, I am willing to admit that. Xmm alway's claimed to be happy. Well if Freakin' happy than why mess around pal? W need's to know about his action's! Any thought's?

 

AP:)

 

To bring this closer to read...here is the OP. I do see that you (AP) have been told that he has done this before, but have you heard that he is doing it again? And you just said that the wife asked you in November about details, do you think that now she would want to hear them?

 

I am guessing that the wife knows of his actions.

 

One thing that is required of inmates ( sorry AP ) to be paroled early in this state is a letter to the victims of their crimes. And yes it has been shown to make a difference.

 

And yes, counselors use this method also many times, BUT they also do not have the letters mailed/sent. The difference can be seen when the words are put on paper. I am not sure that the letters from inmates to their victims is a good comparison, because those letters are usually letters of "please forgive me." AP is wanting to say "here is what happened and I think you need to know, because in my opinion, it may happen again."

[Meaplus3]

Her motivation DOES matter. Whether she is trying to break up the marriage or not, this is one of the results. And we do not know if she wants to be with the MM. Her anger may say she doesn't now, but if broke it off with his wife, who knows?

 

What lie is SHE living under? She told her husband. The MM says he told his wife. What lie do we have? We do have the fact that she QUESTIONS if he told his wife. But if I go back and read her many posts regarding this, I see from the wife's behavior that I think the wife knows. Yes, this is my interpretation, but what AP has said is all we have.

 

The bottom line is that from what we have read in the past is that AP thinks the wife knows. But AP does not think that the wife knows all of the details. Does the wife know that her husband physically touched AP? Is this important? It seems from past posts that the MM told his wife that he had some strong emotional connection with AP. And knowing how many women respond, his wife has decided to forgive him his discretion and move on. Yet in her heart she has also decided that the next discretion will be his last. And I am guessing that she has told him.

 

Yes, it DOES matter who tells her. If the OW tells of the affair, the W will be more inclined to believe that the OW has a motivation beyond the welfare of the wife. In fact, the wife will be less inclined to believe AP than she would one of her own friends. If you or I told the wife, she would wonder why we told her, where we heard it from, and whether it is true.

 

Ask any police officer. One of the most dangerous house calls to make is a domestic violence "visit." The victim (which is usually the wife) and the abuser usually suddenly unite together against the officer, and this can turn deadly. Even if the wife ad husband are equal, it becomes the "He may be stupid, abusive, and a cheat, but this is my problem...you stay out of it."

 

So, who should tell? Should anyone? Me....I say leave well alone. From outward appearances based on AP's posts, the wife and husband are getting along fine.

 

The bottom line is that from what we have read in the past is that AP thinks the wife knows. But AP does not think that the wife knows all of the details. Does the wife know that her husband physically touched AP? Is this important? It seems from past posts that the MM told his wife that he had some strong emotional connection with AP. And knowing how many women respond, his wife has decided to forgive him his discretion and move on. Yet in her heart she has also decided that the next discretion will be his last. And I am guessing that she has told him.

 

Back in Dec when the big blow up happened between mm and myself he told me he told her "That we talked alot and that I had inappropriate feeling's for him" A few month's later that all changed, mm lied and said she does not know a thing. I think when she questioned me it was because she saw the exchanges between us when we were all together.

 

AP:)

 

[bonehead]

And yes, counselors use this method also many times, BUT they also do not have the letters mailed/sent. The difference can be seen when the words are put on paper. I am not sure that the letters from inmates to their victims is a good comparison, because those letters are usually letters of "please forgive me." AP is wanting to say "here is what happened and I think you need to know, because in my opinion, it may happen again."

 

Though she hasnt come right out and said so, I do think AP wants forgivness from her. Its a normal human reaction when we have wronged someone and " wake up " and realize it.

 

AP is the one who sees this woman every day. Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to keep up a lie like that?

 

Lets just for giggles change things around a little bit.

 

1) If the affair with AP and MM was on going, she AP tell the wife?

 

2) If AP had never had an EA with the MM but had proof that he was having an affair, should she tell the wife?

[NoIDidn't]

I would have to disagree with you on this not helping her move on.

 

One thing that is required of inmates ( sorry AP ) to be paroled early in this state is a letter to the victims of their crimes. And yes it has been shown to make a difference.

 

 

Stop and think of what this is putting AP through. She wants to admit her wrongs. She also wants to make sure his wife knows what has happened and what very well may be happening again.

 

I disagree here. She wants to admit to his wrongs, what her perception of them are. She isn't confessing anything that SHE did, she wants to get the MM in trouble with his W to *help* her.

 

That's not right.

[Meaplus3]

Though she hasnt come right out and said so, I do think AP wants forgivness from her. Its a normal human reaction when we have wronged someone and " wake up " and realize it.

 

AP is the one who sees this woman every day. Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to keep up a lie like that?

 

Lets just for giggles change things around a little bit.

 

1) If the affair with AP and MM was on going, she AP tell the wife?

 

2) If AP had never had an EA with the MM but had proof that he was having an affair, should she tell the wife?

 

AP is the one who sees this woman every day. Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to keep up a lie like that?

 

I do feel guilty about the whole, very guilty! It hurt's to look his kid's in the eye knowing what occured with the mm. I know I made a HUGE mistake by falling for him but I did.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

I disagree here. She wants to admit to his wrongs, what her perception of them are. She isn't confessing anything that SHE did, she wants to get the MM in trouble with his W to *help* her.

 

That's not right.

 

You honestly think that if I were to confront her that I would not tell her about my part in the ea? That's nut's! Ofcourse I would! " It takes Two To Tango"!

 

AP:)

[East of Jupiter]

Though she hasnt come right out and said so, I do think AP wants forgivness from her. Its a normal human reaction when we have wronged someone and " wake up " and realize it.

 

AP is the one who sees this woman every day. Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to keep up a lie like that?

 

Lets just for giggles change things around a little bit.

 

1) If the affair with AP and MM was on going, she AP tell the wife?

 

2) If AP had never had an EA with the MM but had proof that he was having an affair, should she tell the wife?

 

I would be more inclined to think AP wants to tell out of charity and guilt if she wasn't constantly denegrating the W for staying and getting upset each time she sees the MM going on with his life. Last week I think it was a party they were having. She is consumed with whether or not the MM is having a good time or not and the status of his marriage.

 

Frankly she reads like a scorned woman. Like it is a competition between her and the MM's wife and she lost. What I read is a lot of jealousy -- perhaps not of the BW or that she may want the MM, but she is hurting and she wants both of them to hurt as well.

 

If she is hurting, she must still have feelings for this man. Something she denies but comes across bright as daylight at my end.

[JamesM]

 

AP is the one who sees this woman every day. Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to keep up a lie like that?

 

Lets just for giggles change things around a little bit.

 

1) If the affair with AP and MM was on going, she AP tell the wife?

 

2) If AP had never had an EA with the MM but had proof that he was having an affair, should she tell the wife?

 

 

I cannot see where there is a lie. The wife knows of the affair already...see the OP. The wife asked her for details. The question then becomes...does the wife want to hear about the affair again..and all of the details? And asking for forgiveness does NOT require that AP tell the wife about details OR about the possibility that the MM has had past affairs...which is hearsay, BTW.

 

And I am willing to guess that if AP was having the affair with the MM right now, she would not be running to tell the wife because she would not want the affair to end.

 

And if AP had never had an affair with the MM, then one could say that her motivations would be different...right or wrong. But should she tell? This answer is not as easy as it sounds...especially since they are neighbors. Many times when wives are told of their husbands' affairs, they do not respond with a "thank you for telling me." Quite often it becomes a wedge between a friendship and it is denied by the wife.

 

Would I say she should tell based on what you said? Yes. BUT when you add the fact that AP DID have an affair, and it is her affair we are talking about, and this affair has been talked about in the past, and this is her neighbor and definitely not a close friend....then I think the answer is not the same.

 

If AP wants forgiveness, then she should ask for forgiveness..without bringing up details (unless the wife asks) and she should certainly not bring up any other affairs.

[NoIDidn't]

You honestly think that if I were to confront her that I would not tell her about my part in the ea? That's nut's! Ofcourse I would! " It takes Two To Tango"!

 

AP:)

 

AP,

 

You are taking what I said the wrong way.

 

You can't help but tell her of your part, but that's not your main objective here. As I read it, its to tell her what HE has been up to. The fact that you helped him to it, in your mind, appears circumstancial.

 

Rest assured, she will not see it that way. And is not likely to stay appreciative for long, if at all.

 

I think that if you really want to move on, you should tell your H what you are contemplating and why. If not, be prepared to cause more drama in your own household. Not just in theirs.

[JamesM]

AP is the one who sees this woman every day. Can you imagine how you would feel if you had to keep up a lie like that?

 

I do feel guilty about the whole, very guilty! It hurts to look his kid's in the eye knowing what occurred with the mm. I know I made a HUGE mistake by falling for him but I did.

 

AP:)

 

Then simply ask for forgiveness. Send a letter that states that you are asking for forgiveness WITHOUT putting in the details of the affair, and I would certainly not mention that you think her husband has had more affairs or may be still having them. Besides that this is all circumstantial, it would nullify your request for forgiveness.

 

So, ask for forgiveness and move on.

[Meaplus3]

I cannot see where there is a lie. The wife knows of the affair already...see the OP. The wife asked her for details. The question then becomes...does the wife want to hear about the affair again..and all of the details? And asking for forgiveness does NOT require that AP tell the wife about details OR about the possibility that the MM has had past affairs...which is hearsay, BTW.

 

And I am willing to guess that if AP was having the affair with the MM right now, she would not be running to tell the wife because she would not want the affair to end.

 

And if AP had never had an affair with the MM, then one could say that her motivations would be different...right or wrong. But should she tell? This answer is not as easy as it sounds...especially since they are neighbors. Many times when wives are told of their husbands' affairs, they do not respond with a "thank you for telling me." Quite often it becomes a wedge between a friendship and it is denied by the wife.

 

Would I say she should tell based on what you said? Yes. BUT when you add the fact that AP DID have an affair, and it is her affair we are talking about, and this affair has been talked about in the past, and this is her neighbor and definitely not a close friend....then I think the answer is not the same.

 

If AP wants forgiveness, then she should ask for forgiveness..without bringing up details (unless the wife asks) and she should certainly not bring up any other affairs.

 

So James are you saying that I should knock on her door and say something like this. "Please forgive me for falling head over heal's for your most flirtaious "Charming" H"?

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

AP,

 

You are taking what I said the wrong way.

 

You can't help but tell her of your part, but that's not your main objective here. As I read it, its to tell her what HE has been up to. The fact that you helped him to it, in your mind, appears circumstancial.

 

Rest assured, she will not see it that way. And is not likely to stay appreciative for long, if at all.

 

I think that if you really want to move on, you should tell your H what you are contemplating and why. If not, be prepared to cause more drama in your own household. Not just in theirs.

 

My H know's exactly how I feel about all this. I do share my thought's with him with regard's to the ea and the desire to inform the W.

 

AP:)

[Meaplus3]

Then simply ask for forgiveness. Send a letter that states that you are asking for forgiveness WITHOUT putting in the details of the affair, and I would certainly not mention that you think her husband has had more affairs or may be still having them. Besides that this is all circumstantial, it would nullify your request for forgiveness.

 

So, ask for forgiveness and move on.

 

A letter? Yes I am very sure if she received a letter from me that she would not have any further question's? Come on that's just silly!

 

AP:)

[NoIDidn't]

My H know's exactly how I feel about all this. I do share my thought's with him with regard's to the ea and the desire to inform the W.

 

AP:)

 

And you tell him with the same regularity that you bring it to this forum? Or did you just tell him once when you confessed your involvement? Those are two different things with several different possible outcomes.

[Meaplus3]

And you tell him with the same regularity that you bring it to this forum? Or did you just tell him once when you confessed your involvement? Those are two different things with several different possible outcomes.

 

I speak to H about my thought's regarding "Telling" and the whole ea at least a few times per week.

 

AP:)

[NoIDidn't]

Then why are you stuck at this point? You have opened the lines of communication between you and your H. Do you feel the need to give MM and his W the same? Telling her what you think she doesn't know isn't likely to do that.

 

You are really stuck on this one thing. Did your therapist recommend it?

 

I know how you feel having been in a similar place once myself (different circumstances), but telling the other person was more about my want to be a hero than about whatever their feelings were going to be after I dropped the bomb on them. And like you, I felt that she may already have known quite a bit. Turns out she did, but at least I didn't tell her. And I didn't have to deal with the fallout of telling her.

 

Once I let go of my desire to "be the bigger person" and tell her something with the potential to devastate her and got myself out of her business and of thinking that what I was going to tell her was for her own benefit, the easier it was to forget why telling her was so urgent in the first place.

[underpants]

I speak to H about my thought's regarding "Telling" and the whole ea at least a few times per week.

 

AP:)

 

I'm curious. How does your H feel about all of this? Has he made any suggestions? Are him and this neighbor friends?

 

How would you feel if a woman came to you and confessed having a relationship with your H? What if it turned out that she was a woman you thought you could trust?

 

This is just all so convoluted. I wish I had a good answer for you and I really am intriged by the whole thing.

 

I am just curious as to the root causes of such infidelities. I guess that is why I ask questions. Only answer if you wish to.

 

Kind regards