Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 That had nothing to do with their marriage. That had to do with the two of you. And its over. He made nothing of his marriage your business. Imagine him saying the same thing. You would think it *silly*. AP, you're reaching. Sorry but I feel it had much to do with the state of both of our marriages. If all was so perfect in each then neither one of us would have fond the ea so appealing, this is something my therapist said to me many times and I believe it! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Metaphor time: A man finds himself at the end of the tax year in a major financial dilema becasue of unpaid taxes. In an attempt to offset his tax liability he makes a donation of $25,000 to a homeless shelter. The money he donates is then used to feed homless starving children. Is his donation less appreciated or need because his reasons were not altruistic? Do the children who now have food in their bellies care why he did it? Should we frown on him for not doing it for what we believe are the right reasons? The point being, who cares why she wants to do it? The W has a right to know and since she suspects that the W does not know the whole story I support her decision to tell. The W asked her about it last year and she lied. It was wrong and she owes her the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 HE Made it my business when he choose to have a 1 1/2 long ea with me! AP:) That's were you are very, VERY mistaken. Don't kid yourself. I don't care if you were his mistress for twenty years, HIS marriage is STILL NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Sorry but I feel it had much to do with the state of both of our marriages. If all was so perfect in each then neither one of us would have fond the ea so appealing, this is something my therapist said to me many times and I believe it! AP:) And the state of both of your marriages was bad at that time, right? Does your therapist feel that your continued meddling in their marriage would be a good thing? I can't see how. And this IS meddling. Their marriage, once the A is over, is really none of your business. If you could come to that conclusion, you wouldn't be stuck on telling her anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Metaphor time: A man finds himself at the end of the tax year in a major financial dilema becasue of unpaid taxes. In an attempt to offset his tax liability he makes a donation of $25,000 to a homeless shelter. The money he donates is then used to feed homless starving children. Is his donation less appreciated or need because his reasons were not altruistic? Do the children who now have food in their bellies care why he did it? Should we frown on him for not doing it for what we believe are the right reasons? The point being, who cares why she wants to do it? The W has a right to know and since she suspects that the W does not know the whole story I support her decision to tell. The W asked her about it last year and she lied. It was wrong and she owes her the truth. The W asked her about it last year and she lied. It was wrong and she owes her the truth You know what annabelle I did lie to her when she asked and it does bother me very very much that I could not be honest with her. She grabbed a hold of my shoulders and was very stern about wanting to know. I messed up! should have done it right then and there! I do think that most of this "Telling her" stem's from that evening. Thank's for your support. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
RealityCheck Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Metaphor time: A man finds himself at the end of the tax year in a major financial dilema becasue of unpaid taxes. In an attempt to offset his tax liability he makes a donation of $25,000 to a homeless shelter. The money he donates is then used to feed homless starving children. Is his donation less appreciated or need because his reasons were not altruistic? Do the children who now have food in their bellies care why he did it? Should we frown on him for not doing it for what we believe are the right reasons? The point being, who cares why she wants to do it? The W has a right to know and since she suspects that the W does not know the whole story I support her decision to tell. The W asked her about it last year and she lied. It was wrong and she owes her the truth. Exactly! The W asked her a year ago and she never came clean. That was then, this is now. I really question motive in wanting to tell it all now. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 AP, can't you see that you are still justifying and rationalizing reasons for having anything to do with him and his M? That's not healthy. I can't imagine that your H thinks your continued thoughts about this are good. Maybe you should consider moving if their being so close to you makes you think repeatedly of telling her. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Sorry but I feel it had much to do with the state of both of our marriages. If all was so perfect in each then neither one of us would have fond the ea so appealing, this is something my therapist said to me many times and I believe it! AP:) The bottom line is that HIS marriage is none of YOUR business. It never was. Period. Ask your therapist if it is. I hope he or she tells you that you're beginning to sound obsessed. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Annabelle. That's apples and oranges and not a very good analogy at all. The tax offset gift GAVE to people. The EA took away from both marriages. More than just the man giving the tax gift benefitted from his gift. Only AP and MM benefitted from the EA, if even that can be called benefitted considering the current state of affairs. She should have told then, but she didn't. Telling now only makes her look bitter and sour about the way things turned out. If she's truly happy in her own relationship, she wouldn't be thinking of ways to enhance MM's relationship with his W. But that's just the way that I view things. I am aware that others do think differently. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 AP, I think you already know that you want to tell her about everything that you know. What is being said here is not going to change your mind one way or another. And that is okay...really. Could you please let us know how it goes? Link to post Share on other sites
East of Jupiter Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 The bottom line is that HIS marriage is none of YOUR business. It never was. Period. Ask your therapist if it is. I hope he or she tells you that you're beginning to sound obsessed. I'm sitting here thinking about AP's husband. Let's see if I get this straight. AP's husband was cuckold by the MM next door for a year and a half. Husband does nothing from what I have read so far and understand. The husband doesn't confront (?) the MM about it nor does he tell the MM's wife. According to AP, MM's wife and kids practically live at her home where she kindly feeds and cares for them. Does MM still come over? I would venture to guess not. According to AP, she is aware of everything that is going on in and outside of MM's home. Either we have some leg pulling going on or AP is married to Tickle Me Elmo. Imagine that for a moment. AP's husband is helping to support by feeding and caring for MM's children. His wife cheats on him yet she is, according to AP, practically raising his kids. Anybody else see something wrong with this picture? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 I'm sitting here thinking about AP's husband. Let's see if I get this straight. AP's husband was cuckold by the MM next door for a year and a half. Husband does nothing from what I have read so far and understand. The husband doesn't confront (?) the MM about it nor does he tell the MM's wife. According to AP, MM's wife and kids practically live at her home where she kindly feeds and cares for them. Does MM still come over? I would venture to guess not. According to AP, she is aware of everything that is going on in and outside of MM's home. Either we have some leg pulling going on or AP is married to Tickle Me Elmo. Imagine that for a moment. AP's husband is helping to support by feeding and caring for MM's children. His wife cheats on him yet she is, according to AP, practically raising his kids. Anybody else see something wrong with this picture? I agree that something is very wrong with this picture. I wish to god I could keep his kid's out of my house! I don't like the reminder of having them around. As long as his kid's are here I am still involved in their life, trust me folk's I don't want to be anymore. So now how can I keep his kid's away from my house? Tell the W and mm that they take full advantage of us and we are sick of it? This whole thing is so messed up. AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I agree that something is very wrong with this picture. I wish to god I could keep his kid's out of my house! Let's see, how about telling them to go home? You can't be serious. If you don't know how to keep unwanted children from "practically living" at your house, then you've got a much bigger problem than meddling in your neighbors marriage. Maybe you should look for a parenting forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 Let's see, how about telling them to go home? You can't be serious. If you don't know how to keep unwanted children from "practically living" at your house, then you've got a much bigger problem than meddling in your neighbors marriage. Maybe you should look for a parenting forum. Impundent I must ask you do you have even just one ounce of niceness in you today? You are really attacking me and it's mean. How am I meddling in thier marriage? Do I contact them? NO! Do I speak with MM? NO! Have I told his W? NO! Fine I'll just tell his kid's to go home. Telling them that everyday will get the point across! AP:mad: Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 HE Made it my business when he choose to have a 1 1/2 long ea with me! I don't agree that having an affair makes his marriage your business, but I do think that you gave up the moral high ground when you chose to engage in that ea with him. To stand here now and indignantly insist that it is your obligation to point out his flaws just seems... arrogant, I guess. Look, I actually don't care if you tell from the perspective of the effect on their marriage. The truth - if that is really what you are able to speak, as opposed to hearsay and assumptions - is the truth; if you are able to objectively bring that to light (and I have some concerns about that, but for the moment let's assume that you could be objective) then I don't actually have a problem with it. "The truth will out." The thing I am most concerned about, though, is that I think this burning desire to tell her represents a dilution of your focus on your own family's healing process, which I do not believe to be complete, by any means. Your total focus should be directed within your marriage and your family, and you should be striving to be absolutely free of all emotional connections with him and/or his wife. I believe your insistent focus on "admitting his faults" and on minding what is good and right for their marriage represents a continued connection with him and the ea, and is a drain on the energy that desperately needs to be focused within your relationship. Is it possible that your good-guy husband who has been so supportive and forgiving is saying what he thinks to be the right things, but is really biding his time, and thinking "boy, she's clearly not able to move past her connection with this guy - I'm holding on here, but I hope she gets over this soon..." You may be right - they may need help, the MM may be continuing his reprehensible behaviors. I'm not saying you have no right to tell, I'm saying that your desire to do so represents a drain on you moving forward, and that you may be deluding yourself to think that just one quick conversation will "clear the air" and simplify things, and then you will move forward. When you are deciding to quit smoking, having one last cigarette, or even just keeping the pack around ("...and then I'll throw them away tomorrow") really just means that you haven't really committed to quitting today. As I said in an earlier post: this is about taking a step forward for you - disconnect completely and finally from him and let them own their own marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 IO that was a little below the belt. I don't think telling the kids to go home will help much. Now takling to their parents about how much they are over will help if she wants to reduce it. AP, I agree with James, again. I hope things go as well as can be expected as you seem very determined to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 IO that was a little below the belt. I don't think telling the kids to go home will help much. Now takling to their parents about how much they are over will help if she wants to reduce it. Perhaps you are from a different generation, but I'm a bit fed-up with parents who can't seem to be able to control their children or children who are guests in their home. I'm a mom, you won't find children in my home day and night if I don't want them to be there, I have absolutely NO problem sending them home when I don't want them here anymore. I don't understand this inability to be a parent. "But hooowww do I get Johnny to stop playing video games all day?"...etc., etc., etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Impundent I must ask you do you have even just one ounce of niceness in you today? You are really attacking me and it's mean. How am I meddling in thier marriage? Do I contact them? NO! Do I speak with MM? NO! Have I told his W? NO! Fine I'll just tell his kid's to go home. Telling them that everyday will get the point across! AP:mad: I'm not attacking you, I'm telling you to stay out of their marriage. You may not speak to MM now, but you certainly did before. You said you had an emotional affair with him, now you're obsessing over his marriage and thinking that now that the affair is over, you ought to do the right thing and tell his wife. Transparent much? Oh and yes, just tell his kids to go home. It's just that simple! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Fine I'll just tell his kid's to go home. Telling them that everyday will get the point across! All you have to do is slowly get your kids to be more active with their other friends. If you have a brother or sister, invite their kids to come play with their cousins. This way too, if the neighbours kids knock on the door, you can just explain to them that you have company and today isn't a good day... Do your kids go to their house? Another thing to do is get your kids involved in after school activities...That is another out. And, homework. No guests over during homework and family time. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 This may be an exercise in frustration (on my part) but now I'm just curious....who is home with MM's kids all day? Is AP their babysitter? Do they have a nanny? Why doesn't AP take her kids to the zoo, the park, to other friends or something? Link to post Share on other sites
annabelle75 Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Perhaps you are from a different generation, but I'm a bit fed-up with parents who can't seem to be able to control their children or children who are guests in their home. I'm a mom, you won't find children in my home day and night if I don't want them to be there, I have absolutely NO problem sending them home when I don't want them here anymore. I don't understand this inability to be a parent. "But hooowww do I get Johnny to stop playing video games all day?"...etc., etc., etc. Seriously ...... stop. AP is not the woman your husband slept with. She hasn't doen anything to you. Stop looking for new ways to attack her character. Its starting to make you look bad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Meaplus3 Posted August 21, 2007 Author Share Posted August 21, 2007 All you have to do is slowly get your kids to be more active with their other friends. If you have a brother or sister, invite their kids to come play with their cousins. This way too, if the neighbours kids knock on the door, you can just explain to them that you have company and today isn't a good day... Do your kids go to their house? Another thing to do is get your kids involved in after school activities...That is another out. And, homework. No guests over during homework and family time. Thank's Whichway! All good point's! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 Seriously ...... stop. AP is not the woman your husband slept with. She hasn't doen anything to you. Stop looking for new ways to attack her character. Its starting to make you look bad. Oh, okay, sure. I totally had her confused with the woman my husband didn't sleep with... Link to post Share on other sites
East of Jupiter Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I agree that something is very wrong with this picture. I wish to god I could keep his kid's out of my house! I don't like the reminder of having them around. As long as his kid's are here I am still involved in their life, trust me folk's I don't want to be anymore. So now how can I keep his kid's away from my house? Tell the W and mm that they take full advantage of us and we are sick of it? This whole thing is so messed up. AP:) My question is how does your husband cope with having your MM's children practically living in your home? You don't have to go to extremes to get the kids out of your home. All that has to happen is your husband talking to MM. "This is hurting my wife" (Is it?) "If and/or when your wife finds out, this will cause you more problems" "If and/or when your wife finds out she is going to be crushed" "Considering the cheating between you and my wife, I think it would be healthier for the children if we put some space betwen our families" or, as I think the average Joe would do is to call the guy aside and kick his arse and THEN tell him to keep his children home. Easy, peasy. It is not an unreasonable request by any means. You don't have to be cruel to the children in any way. You and these children's father violated your husband's trust (forget the BW for now). Please explain to me how this is not reasonable or a solution. Further, why you have neither thought of this solution, or your husband has not demanded it? What does your husband say? Now the BW. So long as she doesn't know, she continues to be betrayed. Her children are spending time in the home of the woman who violated her marriage. (You are her enemy not a friend.) I'm not sure who you are trying to kid. If I had to take a guess, I think it's you. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted August 21, 2007 Share Posted August 21, 2007 I'm not sure who you are trying to kid. I think I know.... Link to post Share on other sites
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