why get married????

[amorsiempre]

now, i know the answer to this question. but when my boyfriend of 3 years asked me i was stumped. i know my reasons cos it was my upbringing and christianity. but he didn't and doesn't have that. i didnt wanna give him my reasons but was trying to think of a reason that didnt link to religion. i love him with all my heart and he said he'd get married if thats what i want but i want him to want to too. he thinks that its just a peice of paper if everyone already knows your commitment to one another and are livin together... im havin second thoughts about movin out with him... but also dont wanna manipulate him into marriage. any thoughts would be greatly apprieciated.

[witchbreed]

If you are religious, I guess, that in itself is a reson to marry the man you love. Asking for gods blessing on your love.

 

If you are not, it gets more complicated. Some might want marriage to show their commitement to each other and their friends and families - some might not, because the feel that marriage might endanger the love, taking each other for granted and therefore not putting enough effort into the relationsship.

Some might want marriage for security reasons (financial and/or emotional), some for romantic reasons, some because of pressure from the environment and so on.

 

Marriage can strengthen a relationsship but marriage can also weaken a relationsship. Marriage means very different things to different people. To some its the crowning of their love and to others its a contract. Contracts and romance dont always go well together :-). So if your man loves you, is really commited to you and wants to spend his life with you, but is not keen on marriage, it might be, that he does not see marriage as a romantic event, but rather a legal contract and does not want to "dirty" your love with something "commercial". His saying that its just a piece of paper stronly suggest this mindframe.

 

I personally can relate to both viewpoints. I do wish for the romantic side of a wedding, but I abhor the thought of the legal side. I am religous in my own way, but not a member of any church. What I myself do want, is a private celebration, including a view choosen loved ones (my kids, parents, some friends) with a private ritual asking for the blessing of our love and continue to live as common-law husband and wife. A church or legal wedding on the other hand is not on my agenda.

 

Try to find out, both of you, what marriage means to you. But down the good and bad points of being married or continuing to live together as common-law husband and wife. I dont know enough about American laws, but if its the religous side only, is there the possiblity of a church marriage without a civil marriage?

 

You will have to find a way you are both happy with. If you both know the exact reasons of each other, why you want or dont want to marry it will be easier to find a way together. Might be a compromise on both sides, maybe one of you will convince the other.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Tony T]

The answers you seek are different for everybody.

 

Even in a religious ceremony, a marriage does not take place if the hearts of the two people are not joined spiritually. Marriage does not take place in a church, synagogue, justice of the peace's office, or some other "place." Two people who are bonded at the core of their souls with love, committment and the desire to share lives on this planet are already married. Conversely, if a religious ceremony is performed and those elements are absent...no marriage exists.

 

A legal marriage is one where a license is obtained and a ceremony is performed. The license memorialized the legal aspects of the union in which two people share certain legal obligations one to the other. How property and other obligations are shared is defined in the laws of each state.

 

By common law in all states, two people are legally married if they share the same residence and live as partners for seven years.

 

I think it is to the benefit of all concerned if they are making a lifelong committment to another person to be married in the legal sense...if not both the legal and religious sense.

 

Most people who have the attitude of your boyfriend do not have the complete resolve of lifelong committment and haven't reached the point of wanting to anticipate that long into the future, in my opinion. This attitude would indicate that he has not joined you on the spiritual level either, again in my opinion. Only he would know and you could sense.

 

If this man truly loves you and you have expressed a desire to be married, if he did not immediately desire to accomodate you in that regard he's holding back on something or he's got a real problem with permanent relationships.

[midori]

Hi, this is a great question and one that I've thought long and hard about myself, and don't know that I've reached any great conclusions. I think that marriage signifies to the two people directly involved, and to others in their lives, that the relationship is a permanent thing that they do not wish to undo, around which other important decisions must be made.

 

Now it's possible to have that without marriage, sure. But say you've been with your boyfriend for years, the two of you live together, etc. One of you has a job offer that would take you far away -- do you take the job? What should your partner do? What if something is good for one person and not the other? At what point should you consider perhaps parting ways?

 

I know that two committed people who lack the accessory of a marriage license can handle that without any more difficulty than a married couple would have. But in principle the marriage itself answers some of the questions that situation would raise: wherever one goes, the other goes, so the other decisions would have to follow from that.

 

I think the formality of a marriage can be an aid to people in framing the issues they encounter in their relationship, and in life more broadly. It can also help the people around them orient themselves to the goals the couple have for their relationship when the goals are explicit.

 

Of course the very same formality of an "officially sanctioned" relationship that can be helpful can also be a hindrance to people who are in bad marriages -- the marriage cannot be its own justification in the long run. And intelligent, committed people don't NEED to have a marriage to guide their perspective and decisions. But it can be helpful, I think, to anyone ... and probably the people who are likely to get trapped by the way they think things are "supposed" to be in a marriage, would be equally rigid in their thinking even if they weren't married.

 

There is also the fact that when you get married, you're saying "I'm committing myself to a particular course for the rest of my life. Not just the next year, or the next ten years ... but forever." Of course that commitment might not last. And of course one can make that commitment unofficially. But one might argue that it's more binding when done publicly, when one invites the community's sanction and assistance.

 

It's entirely personal, isn't it?

[HokeyReligions]

I didn't get married for religious reasons. But making a commitment in front of everyone and legally was important to me. It made our relationship official. I like being a "wife" and I like calling my husband, my husband!

 

It works for us, but it doesnt' work for everyone. I have two people in my office who live with their guy, but are not married and have no plans to marry. It doesn't work for them.

 

It's something each couple must talk about and decide

[Ally Boo]

If religion is important enough to you to be your reason to get married, I'd think his lack of religious respect would be a red flag there....aside from the fact that he's obviously got a problem with that kinda commitment.

[yes]

i've asked this question many times, even though i'm not even remotely thinking about getting married or committed myself.

 

it seems to me that marriage isn't really any good, after all. if you love the person, you will stay with them, anyway. not having the legal binding makes you more aware of the impermanence of the situation & makes you appreciate your partner more.

 

of course, i've never been married, and i base my thoughts on my observations of other married couples.

 

if it's a religious thing, i totally understand- need god's approval, yada yada. but otherwise, what's the point?

 

you're common-law after living together for X amount of time.

 

i guess $ could be a reason, but i'm against people being financially dependent on the partner in any relationship, so ...

 

I think in general, making life-long committments like marriage is a bit strange. People change, situations change... I see so many married couples stay married but live totally separate lives.

 

Anyway - just some thouhgts

-yes

[midori]

but isn't there something to be said for being with someone through thick and thin? Not that I'm advising staying in a relationship that has gone irreparably bad. But you get to know yourself and the other person better the more you go through together. We develop differently when we do so with another person than when we are alone. It doesn't mean that one way is necessarily better than the other. But I don't think that a life-long commitment is either unnatural or impossible. Sure, it's not easy. But most valuable things aren't easy to come by.

[yes]

i think sticking together through everything should happen naturally & not because you're married, so while i'm all for sharing good-n-bad times, it doesn't have anything to do with marriage, in my opinion.

 

-yes

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "i think sticking together through everything should happen naturally & not because you're married..."

 

The significant word here is "SHOULD." But it doesn't always happen that way.

 

In the timeline of evolution, modern marriage has only existed for a fraction of a second. Marriage was conjured up in recent times to give order and structure to society, in a legal sense, a moral sense and for the welfare of children.

 

Marriage provides many legal benefits that, up until recently, generally favored the woman. Because of the wave of demands for equality, the legal landscape has been leveled in that regard.

 

Back to your statement quoted above, the reality is that without a legal bond of sorts, people lack that one last element that could possibly keep them working on a relationship. And should the relationship fail, the applicable laws governing married persons favors a more equitable and pragmatic distribution of assets which a couple has amassed during their union.

 

You are very correct that legal marriage is not necessary. But it does have its pluses.

 

No matter what we write here, those who have dreamed of falling in love and marrying the person of their dreams will pay no heed to anything to the contrary. Those who have been raised to think more freely or to be somewhat antiestablishment will not be phased either.

 

Whether or not one gets married is a personal thing that each has to decide for himself. There will be people who will ultimately be quite sorry for their decision, no matter which way they decide to cohabitate.

[yes]

true true - it's a very personal decision.

 

it's also very true that having to go through a divorce in order to split up makes people work on it a bit harder. i think common children also do that - makes people think twice.

 

i'm thankful i dont have to decide right now =)

 

-yes

[amorsiempre]

hey... thanks for writing back so quickly. i really apprieciate the oppinions of everyone ere.

 

just to cover my bases i'll let you know that im from australia and i wasnt thinking about getting married in a church because i know he wouldnt want to and thats a sacrifice im gonna make.

 

your answers have helped heeps and any more suggestions to "why get married" would be great.

 

ciao

[Ally Boo]

Doesn't marriage make it easier for a couple to make important emergancy medical decisions for the other party? I would think it would be much easier, legally speaking, if something happened to one of them...especially in the case of extreme illness and/or death.

 

Although it rarely happens, that's what marriage is about...til death do you part. Being partners. In my opinion, I would want my S.O. to be acknowledged with no question that they are the ones who know me best, and would know how I'd want things to be.

 

Either way you look at it, its going to be over. Parted by death, seperation, or of course breaking up. It's not so much about the fear of some big committment, to ME, it's about letting everyone around me know that they are the closest person to me, and that they are who I trust to be in my affairs.

[quankanne]

and to me, marriage is simply about hope .... that you believe so much in your future together that you take the plunge and get married, crank out babies, go into debt, figure out where to live and how to live, etc.

 

incidentally, don't be rash about making decisions that just suit only him or only you when it comes to the "how" part of being married. Before we married, my husband promised me (and my parents) that he would marry me in the church (he needed to have previous marriages anulled by the church before ours could be blessed), but hasn't yet. Because he knows how important it was to me to do right by my faith AND because he'd promised this, his letting it fall by the wayside has a sore point with us. Talk to your guy about how you feel -- whether a church blessing is important, if you're honestly okay with a JP marriage -- because you really don't want something like this to fester like a bad sore!

[amorsiempre]

hey guys... thought i'd fill you in in what has happened over the past couple of days. i realy apprieciate your time with your answers and thought my bf would too. i told him that i had lots of answers for his question and thought all would be good... boy way i wrong.

 

i sent him this page . he asked what i got out of it and summariesed everyones most valued points. he said that its still just the romantic bull**** and the piece of paper. i felt as if my heart had been thrown on the table and attacked with a knife.

 

this is someone who went from wanting to propose in yr 12, to later (cos i freaked out), to when he's around 30, to "why get married", to marriage is a crock.

 

how do i handle this. we had a semi screaming match cos he just dismissed my feelings and said i dont wanna talk about this now... im too young. (we're 21) i waas screaming that i dont wanna get married now either.... but i have a right to know that were on the same page and want the same things... is that too much to ask?

 

i told him he can have a relationship with himself and hung up. i dont know if our relationship can cope with this, cos i sure as hell cant. why should i put my priorities on the line for a maybe. a might...a lets see what happens. i dont think so. i could give this man my life to have him turn around and say, nump... not going to happen... dont want marriage. i couldnt handle that.

 

so my question is... should i get out while i have some kind of strength?

[Tony T]

Whether or not you stay with him is a decision you and you only will have to make. I still feel that if he really loved you and was considerate he would defer to your wishes for a religious ceremony...even if he's not religious. People do that all the time.

 

However, I think that if this is such a major issue at this time and if this is the way he deals with disputes (an unwillingness to compromise) you may have a lot more problems with him in the future regarding other conflicts of opinion and needs.

 

I know you love him with all your heart but it takes a lot more than that to make a relationship work. I think the two of you should have a real serious heart-to-heart talk about your status as a couple...that is, if he's willing to talk.

 

A mate who shuts down when there are problems to iron out cause you a multitude of heartache in your life. Proceed with caution. The decision to stay with him or move on is yours.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

If you're committed to one another, if you're living together, sharing responsibilities, and financial obligations, why not just go on ahead and get the piece of paper? What would change? What different would it make? Because whether people want to believe it or not, there is a difference between just being together, and being married together. And the difference is all psychological. When you're married you feel you're obligated to do things, where as when you're just living together, you have no obligations put on you. Everything is done out of want.

 

 

A person feels that if you are married you are obligated to love and do for each other. Like you HAVE to love one another even if you don't want to. If you're just living together, people feel you're doing it out of WANT.

 

If you enter in a marriage with the mentality that you will be obligated to do something, of course your going to have negative feelings about it. But they shouldn't be negative if you really love the person. You would not mind HAVING to do.

 

If you enter into it with the mentality of doing things out of want because you genuinely love this person, you will have positive feelings about the marriage.

[Ally Boo]

The truth is, if you don't even have the same values about being married, why are you still together? Life is too short and you need to get what you want out of it.

 

Now you say that you aren't ready for marriage now. That's fine, but are you SURE that marriage is what you want. This is what I'd suggest....

 

Ask him if he thinks there's a possibility for him to change his mind about getting married. Any chance at all. If he says No, then you tell him that marriage is important to you, and you don't feel like you should compromise on an issue that big either.

 

Then you'll have to walk away. There are other fish in the sea, and it's probably gonna hurt, but it will go away faster than you think.

 

Stand up for what you believe in.

[quankanne]

KD's answer reminded me of something: when you marry someone, you're saying that this is the person who, for everyday for the rest of your life, you chose to live your life with, and you're willing to make that vow, that pledge "before God and everyone."

 

if your guy cannot see the difference between living with someone and making that kind of commitment, maybe he's not the one you want to "try to be on the same page" as. Even if he's got hangups about having to plan a big 'do that calls for tons of bridesmaids and tuxedos and matching dresses and flowers and cakes and a huge catering bill, he's going to see the value of that pledge "before God and everyone," even if it's just going before a Justice of the Peace or the Little Chapel of Elvis in Las Vegas. A long term commitment needs to mean the same thing to both parties, not just one or the other ...

 

don't give up your dreams just because he's decided that they're not important to your relationship. Modify or compromise, but don't ever give them up.

[amorsiempre]

hey guys... just thought i'd let you know the outcome...

 

gone our seperate ways.

 

but trust me... im gonna be comin back with more questions lata, cos 3 years does stuff to ya.

 

ciao

[nat28]

Sorry to hear that you and your boyfriend broke up.

im just going through it myself but im 28 and my ex was 31.

it took two years and many mixed signals before he left me saying he never wants to get married and have kids.

what can you do? not much....eventually after healing my heart find someone else who wants the same things i do i suppose.

anyway you are young and beautiful im sure....you have your whole future ahead of you. good luck!

 

 

 

xxxnat

in australia too...

[EnigmaXOXO]

amorsiempre,

 

I can understand your desire to want marriage sometime in the near future. For many people, marriage is the ultimate sign of commitment between two people. When one or the other seems reluctant to take this final step, it can be misinterpreted as a lack of love or willingness to commit and this is often NOT the case.

 

Pushing your partner too hard and making this a major issue in your partnership can shift the focus away from what it truly valuable and unique about your relationship to an ultimate battle of wills. And this usually ends with an ultimatum that sends someone stomping off in a huff.

 

If you have to force a man to fit your plan…than maybe he isn’t really your man.

 

I hope this isn't the end of your relationship. But you’ll have to decide what is more important to you…the marriage or being with the man you love. Like the two of you, my partner and I have been together for three years. While the family would LOVE to see us tie the knot, my partner and I are quite content with the way things are. Perhaps if we were planning to have children, our view might be different. And while we both come from religious and moral backgrounds, there is no “sin” in spending your life with someone you truly love whether you proclaim that love in front of God in a church or sign your names to a legal document. Being married for 15 years myself, I can tell you that it makes no difference in whether two people stay together or not!

 

One of your posters mentioned “common law” marriage. I live in a state where no such law exists. However, my partner and I share all the benefits that two married people have WITHOUT the “marriage penalty tax” often imposed on those couples who have joined legally. We own a house together “with right of survivorship” which is perfectly legal in any state according to our real estate attorney. Our property taxes are split down the middle and we BOTH claim the deduction equally. While we are both financially independent, we remain each other’s beneficiaries in the event that anything should happen that might leave the other financially strapped. We are as financially secure, committed and devoted to each other as any married couple void any complications, legal entanglements, and EXPENSE that usually results if two married people eventually have to file for divorce. It’s an absolute BRILLIANT arrangement without any fears about what the future holds or dread of being “stuck” in a relationship should it ever go sour.

 

It’s hard to explain, but there is a quiet sense of relief for both of us knowing we are together because we “want” to be, although each has the freedom of choice to leave without any complications. This gives us a unique opportunity to focus on our “relationship” absent all the usual distractions. We show our “commitment” to each other every day by choosing to stay together. And no ceremony or legal document could prove our solidarity more than the union that already exists between our two hearts.

 

Go back and get your man!

[Carly]

I'm going to be rude here and interrupt the thread to get back to the original question, why get married?

 

I can think of one very good reason to get married legally, that hasn't been mentioned yet: For the sake of the kids.

 

Fool yourself into thinking that we are living in enlightened times, we are NOT a very kind society to children born out of wedlock.

[indecisive]

Also wondering if there is really good reason to get married.

 

I've lived with my partner for 10 years. In those years, we've had a mixed bag: Some months are fantastic, romantic, passionate, silly, fun, etc. and others are absurd, dull, painful, tragic, etc. We've been through thick and thin and recognize that we still have miles to go on this journey. I suppose we're "romantic realists," meaning that while we are both committed to making our relationship stand the test of time, we know just how many obstacles will continue to make things difficult for that to happen. (Our society wants to believe in "forever" but, ironically, our social constructs do not foster that.)

 

Anyhoo, we got engaged about three years ago. Since then, we have done very little in the way of planning a wedding. The fact is, we aren't interested in what we know weddings to be. We are not religious, we are not particularly interested in "legalizing" the union, and we are not concerned about having children out of wedlock. So, with that said, I'm wondering if anyone can tell me why we should get married? I'd be interested in hearing from men, in particular, who lived with their partners for several years before they wed. I want to know if they really "felt" something when they wed their loved one, and if marriage has changed anything about their union (good or bad). Thanks!

[Madeline]

Hi Amore!

 

So many issues here!

 

1. Does it feel like it's time your paths part ways?

Have you learned all that you might from this person and this relationship? I've found above all, relationships that are going to end, end when they go flat. And they go flat because you've sort of maxxed out on what you're able to learn.

 

2. In your heart of hearts, do you want to be a married woman with a family?

If so--HELL yeah! There are guys out there who want to commit at this level and are psyched about marrying and having kids. Why settle for someone who's throwing you crumbs? Aren't you and your dreams worth more?

 

3. Your age.

Yes, you're 21. You are capable of marrying NOW if you want. I know lots of people who have made that commitment at that age (including myself--but I'm divorced now )...so it is possible to have a successful marriage and relationship. Some of my best friends met at 18 and are still together and in their 40s.

 

Having said that--as someone who's in their mid-30s and thought my life would be over if I became single at that late date--THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE my age who have never been married, or who were and are divorced or widowed now.

 

SO--THERE IS NO RUSH. There are LOTS of potential partners, so don't settle and don't rush and don't compromise.

 

This person you're with now is not worth that level of consideration if it's becoming apparent that you each want different lifestyles and have different goals in life.

 

What do they say--if you love someone--let them go--if they come back to you--then they are yours forever...?

 

ALSO--a personal observation-- you never lose ground--you just keep making BETTER choices that support you best. So never be afraid to let go of something. And things that WORK tend to be a lot easier to maintain---you don't have to choose something unworkable inherently and keep fighting for it...you can choose something that basically works and just tweak details.

 

GOOD LUCK!