Feeling guilty

[tanita]

Hello everyone!

Hope all of u are fine.I am not and my problem is as follows:

I have been with my boyfreind for over a year and i love him very much.We want to get married and start our lives together.But unfortunatly,nothing can ever br perfect-a few days ago,i cheated on him.Now,i feel TERRIBLE!!!! It is important for me to say that i did not sleep with the person i cheated with .

Now i feel bad and i do not know what to do.I still love my BF-EVEN MORE NOW!Each time i am with him,i think of that night i let myself into being unfaithful to the one i love!Hope someone can help me and tell me what to do-if there is anything to do at all.

[midori]

Why did you do it? If you were drunk you need to look at your patterns of alcohol use and figure out if you've got a problem there.

 

If you were annoyed with your bf and were doing it to get back at him in some way, you need to sort that problem out.

 

Maybe you were feeling neglected by your boyfriend? Who knows? I certainly can't know. But you should.

 

These things don't just "happen." We do them, even if we want to distance ourselves from our actions later. You can't undo what you've done; all you can do is the hard work of honest self-examination so that you can determine whether or not you're going to be able to go forward faithfully with your boyfriend, or if there are other problems that will keep on tripping you up until you get them straightened out.

 

No one can do that for you. You've got to figure out what you were doing that night, and why. Then you've got to determine whether or not it's likely to ever happen again. We all make mistakes. But if you refuse to learn from them, you'll be doomed to repeat them.

[Tony T]

One of life's greatest lessons is to forgive others...and forgive yourself. The past is the past and it will never return. Why get stuck in it?

 

Give yourself permission to be human and make mistakes once in a while. YOU are the one to decide how you feel. I suggest you just forgive yourself and decide to feel good about life and resolve that you will do the best you can to stay loyal to your boyfriend.

 

Now go have a good time somewhere!!!!

[tanita]

HELLO GUYS

My God,this is great!I already feel much better.First of all,all you guys said is right.

I have already done half the job:

1)I know why i did it(was drunk and was mad at him)

2)Now i have to work on myself-forgiving myself and working on our problems.

Thank u for taking the time to read me and answer me!I hope i can help some of you in the future.

Now the only thing i hope is thet this AWFULL feeling of "dirtyness"will go away and i do not have to force myself to sleep ultill mid-day every morning so as to not thing about what i did!

Tony-nice to meet you!

[Leikela]

[color=indigo]

Tanita,

 

There is always a reason for our actions. Being drunk, in my opinion, isn't an excuse to cheat on your boyfriend. I am glad you are aware of the underlying issues surrounding your actions. When we cheat, it is most likely because we aren't getting everything we need out of our current relationship and are seeking that from the person with whom we are cheating.

 

However, in your case, it sounds more like you were just "getting back" at your boyfriend because you were mad at him. Ask yourself these questions... Does he make you totally happy? Is he giving you everything you need? You will be able to assess your actions a little better after answering these questions.

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[Whoa!!!]

Originally posted by tanita

HELLO GUYS

My God,this is great!I already feel much better.First of all,all you guys said is right.

I have already done half the job:

1)I know why i did it(was drunk and was mad at him)

2)Now i have to work on myself-forgiving myself and working on our problems.

Thank u for taking the time to read me and answer me!I hope i can help some of you in the future.

Now the only thing i hope is thet this AWFULL feeling of "dirtyness"will go away and i do not have to force myself to sleep ultill mid-day every morning so as to not thing about what i did!

Tony-nice to meet you!

 

You deserve nothing from this man, cheating on someone is the worst thing you could do to someone you supposedly love!!! Take a look at yourself, cheating and lying is not a way to live, if i was this guy, I would leave you in a second, and would have to refrain from yelling at you. (deleted)

[Just A Girl2]

You wrote:

 

My God,this is great!I already feel much better.

 

What is great? The fact that peoples' responses here weren't harsh and they somehow helped to ease your guilt? I don't see anything about this situation, or what you did, being "great."

 

I think you might want to seriously sit down and do some hard thinking about what "real love" means to you. When you really love someone, you don't go out and get p*ssed and cheat on them to "get back at them" because they did/said something to anger you.

 

I found it, um, intriguing that you stated that since this cheating episode, you "love him even more." Hmmm. Color me crazy but I never knew that being unfaithful could deepen love. You might want to rethink this.

 

And if you're both thinking about/talking about marriage in the future, you really need to think again. You're obviously in no place to be considering making a lifetime commitment to him......because in marriage, there's going to be lots of times that he'll p*ss you off (we're all human, and you can't just run out, get loaded and have a one night stand with someone to make yourself feel better.

 

I gather from your post that you didn't have actual sexual intercourse, but maybe oral sex? (I'm just guessing) Hopefully, if this is the case, the guy you performed it on (again, I'm assuming) didn't have herpes or genital warts or some other STD, and if he performed it on you, hopefully he didn't have genital herpes, orally......that he could spread to you "down there." You owe it to your boyfriend to be keeping him from getting an STD, and yes, they can be spread through simple touching and oral sex. Not trying to scare you, just giving you the facts. Our partners trust us to behave in such a way that we don't risk their health.

 

I'm thinking you might be young, or maybe you just need to really grow up and learn how to deal with difficulties in your relationship, maturely, without resorting to compromising your values and cheating. Imagine how you'd feel if you found out YOUR boyfriend did what you did?

[Whoa!!!]

Originally posted by Tony

One of life's greatest lessons is to forgive others...and forgive yourself. The past is the past and it will never return. Why get stuck in it?

 

Give yourself permission to be human and make mistakes once in a while. YOU are the one to decide how you feel. I suggest you just forgive yourself and decide to feel good about life and resolve that you will do the best you can to stay loyal to your boyfriend.

 

Now go have a good time somewhere!!!!

 

So you promote cheating and think its ok? Tony, this has to be one of the worst posts by you. I have been reading this board since it was the old setup, and I have agreed w/ you on the whole, but not on this one my friend.. Have you ever been cheated on, by your response I would say no...

 

 

tANITA,

 

Are you going to tell your man? I don't see how you feel good about this? Please, if you really loved this man, you would tell him.. people these days!!!

[tanita]

OK NOW GUYS WAIT A MINUTE!

 

This is supposed to be a help place,not a place to make people feel bad about themselves!

I did not come here to look for justifications for my deeds-if i did not feel bad about what i did,i would not even care about what happrened.The fact is i know i did something wrong and i regret it.I just need some "BACK UP"while i get over it and work it out.

TONY-sorry you were yelled at because of me

JUST A GIRL 2-no oral sex,just some heavy petting,not even kissing

WHOA-do not be too harsh.we are all humans,all do mistakes and you would not leave me in a second if you were my bf cos he's not really a saint either!

Any way,now that all is said,i have been sitting with myself for the past few days and i do not really feel better.About telling him,i am not really sure about doing that.My bf and i argue quite often and once i told him that just to get back at him wanted to kiss someone(maybe babyish from me)and he said go ahead and try and see how you feel.

So i did it and here i am now.

[Debster]

From your last post, it doesn't seem that all is fine.

 

You wrote (I don't know how to do the quote thing):

 

"Any way,now that all is said,i have been sitting with myself for the past few days and i do not really feel better.About telling him,i am not really sure about doing that.My bf and i argue quite often and once i told him that just to get back at him wanted to kiss someone(maybe babyish from me)and he said go ahead and try and see how you feel.

So i did it and here i am now."

 

How old are you? This doesn't seem to be a mature, loving relationship or that you are ready for marriage. It seems like maybe you cheating was because deep down you know the relationship is wrong.

 

On a side note, if you're going to write about cheating - expect some negative reactions. Cheating is not accepted by many people (including me).

[Whoa!!!]

If you fail to tell you BF, from the day you cheated, the whole relationship would be a lie... I suggest you tell him, even tho it may hurt, at least you will know that nothing was held back, and the realtationship was true.... Negative actions come w/ negative comments, its a way of life honey, deal w/ it... Do you want people to lie to you like Tony and say its ok, just move on w/o tellng your boy.. I'm sorry, but IMO Tony has failed on this one.

[witchbreed]

I personally believe in honesty. I know (from experience in previous relationsship - lasted 13 years and the cheating heppened in the first year) that I can forgive an affair, but I couldnt have forgiven, if he hadent told me and I had found out some other way. There would have been mistrust added to the hurt of being cheated on and I would have always wondered if there was something going on without my knowledge.

 

On the other hand, usually we women are more forgiving when it comes to cheating, actually we often get more jeoulous when our mate seems to be bonding emotionally and platonic with someone then about sex without emotional involement. Men though tend to be more jeoulous when it comes to sex and less about emotional bonding. So in telling, there is the risk of loosing him altogether, but could you build your life together on a lie without feeling guilty? You have to answer that one yourself.

 

It seems you have other issues anyway. Why not go to counseling together to solve these issues and to bring up your one time cheating there too? It might be easier for both of you to come to terms with your relationsship, your guilt and its a safer enviroonement to cope with the really hurtful issue of cheating and usually its hurtful for both parties involved.

 

Chaeating is wrong, but we are human and all of us, have done things we would like to undo and yes we have to learn to forgive ourselves and our partners for mistakes. But forgiving ourselves is only in order when you truly regret what you have done wrong and are willing to work on yourself not to make the same mistake again. We are human, we make mistakes but its our duty to learn from our mistakes too!

 

You made a bad thing, but that does not make you a bad person. If you were you would not feel guilty but gloat about your "contest".

 

I am sure you will find a way to cope and I believe that you can learn something out of it, which will make you a better and stronger person. I have done "bad" things in my life, but I learned from them and in the end, this learning process made me the better person - so I regret the pain I have caused others - but I make the best out of it, like working now with addicts and trying to help them overcome the issues I had to overcome. So in the end, there is a lot of good coming out of the bad.

 

Its OK to feel guilty, even a sign of being caring about your bf, but you will have to forgive yourself and ask for his forgivness too. I wish you all the best, I am sure you are a good person and will learn out of this experience.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Strange things happen, girlfriend. The very thing you are trying to conceal is the very thing that could be found out later on. And just because your boyfriend was not a saint does not give you any right or justification to cheat on him. Two wrongs do not make a right. How do you think he would feel if you'd been trying to hide this from him, and he eventually finds out.....and not by you!! If you really love him, you would be honest with him, because love is about trust and honesty. Being honest with him and telling what you did may not make him happy, and it may make him leave you or not. But I tell you, things would be alot better if you tell him, then if you don't and he finds out later on.

 

Nobody has been harsh with you....they've been honest. And the truth hurts doesn't it? I can understand you feeling terrible, and I can understand making mistakes. They happen. But you can't expect someone to pacify your guilt. You asked what should you do, and they are telling you.