Cheated on long term b/f, cant get over the guilt

[Harleyquinn]

Hi all... I'm new and so glad to have found my way here. Have been going crazy for 2 weeks. Been with my loving b/f for 2 and half years. I have recently started working at a bar which means I am working with lots of cool and interesting people. Been living with my boyfriend for 2 years in his part of Australia as I am from a different part, so don't have any mates at all and was feeling depressed and lonely before I landed this job working behind the bar. After about 3 months I had developed a friendship with a male co-worker and after being out drinking slept with him. As soon as the deed was done I, like a lot of people,I felt the life shattering pain of guilt and disgust wash over me and instantly I knew I had made a mistake, I knew it was a mistake before I did it, but I justified it with beer and the fact I'm 24 and will probably marry my boyfriend and I wanted to, I don't know, be a slut? NOW I am in absolute torture and agony. The guy I slept with has agreed to keep it quiet and just wants to be friends and I can't tell my boyfriend, no matter what, I can't.... I'm serious, I will never do it again, this has totally shown me the grass is NOT greener on the otherside, so what now... how do I get over my guilt? Am I a souless hobag that should tell him so he can dump my ass and crusify me the way I deserve? Kind comments would be appriciated as I am kinda on the edge here and generally a good human being....... please help me, I wanna stay with my man and love him more than ever.

[oppath]

Hate to break it to you, but you have to tell him. I say this over and over...failing to disclose information that could lead to your significant other making an informed decision about your relationship -- AND HIS LIFE -- is manipulative and a form of abuse. You are withholding information that will allow him to make a decision about his life.

 

If he were to find out about the cheating later on, he'd be far more hurt by the deceit than the act.

 

You made the choice to sleep with another guy, and afterwards, you realized, "wow, I want to be with my boyfriend. I had an urge and got it out of my system. Now I know I want to be with him." Your boyfriend, however, has not gotten to make the decision "I want to be with her, she had an urge, feels remorseful and bad, and it hurts me, but I choose to be with her."

 

You made the choice to sleep with someone else. You are denying your boyfriend choice. Don't do that. Come clean. Being drunk, being 24...none of those things excuse what you did. Feeling bad doesn't excuse it. Promising to never do it again doesn't excuse it. The only way to correct a mistake is to face its consequences and to take responsibility for it. You made a mistake; you must take responsibility for it. That requires being honest with your boyfriend, because by being in an exclusive relationship with him, you have already agreed to be honest about all things that could lead him to make an informed decision about the relationship, by virtue of being in one.

[bish]

Well here is the problem. My soon to be ex bit...ahem...wife cheated on me when we were engaged. I never knew about it because everyone had this, "whatever he doesn't know won't hurt him" bullshi!t theory.

 

Anyway, I end up finding out about it after 7 years of marriage and 2 children. And the fact that she had no consequences of her actions, I found out after this that she cheated during marriage too.

 

But regardless of the cheating during marriage, at the time I only knew of the cheating during our engagement. Needless to say i no longer trusted her and was angry that I didn't have the choice of dumping her before I married her. I felt like I was robbed of 8 years of my life.

 

I think you need to tell him and let him decide if he wants to stay with you. He may leave you, but honestly and harshly.....tough. That is something you should be willing to accept.

 

If you don't tell him, then you will go into the rest of this relationship with him not only as a cheater, but a liar. And if he finds out later, then you risk ruining the lives of more than just his.

 

And if you felt the need to sow your oats...then you should have broken up with him to do so.

 

People will tell you that you shouldn't tell him and learn from your "mistake"...but it wasn't a mistake. You knew perfectly well what you were doing. And I doubt that when this guy's member was sliding in and out of you that you gave a crap during the whole sex session.

 

funny how people get guilt AFTER they cum.

 

But bottom line, no matter what people tell you and regardless whether you come clean or not...your boyfriend deserves to know the truth.

[bish]

please help me, I wanna stay with my man and love him more than ever.

 

Ok...after the harsh part of my post I forgot about the "help" part.

 

If you want this to work, then tell your bf. Because if he finds out later, he'll resent you immensly. At least this way he may feel that he can trust you because you came clean and want to be honest.

 

And at least this way you can take the opportunity to hold him, and let him see that you "appear" to be sincere and know you f#cked up(and f#cking up is different than a "mistake"). Be ready to kiss his feet every day for a long long time if he forgives you.

 

Even though I am a "no 2nd chances" and "once a cheater always a cheater" guy that will never keep someone that cheats on me once, hey may be a fool and forgive.

 

And if he does forgive you, you better NEVER slide down that slope again.

Nothing worse than someone that gives a cheater a 2nd chance and then gets f#cked over by them again.

 

And I think you need to quit your job and find another one. You can't be around this guy you f#cked and make amends with your bf.

[whichwayisup]

And I think you need to quit your job and find another one. You can't be around this guy you f#cked and make amends with your bf.

 

And by quitting your job, it will show him IN ACTIONS that you truely are sorry and want to fix things, gain his faith and trust in you again. Offer to go to couples counselling too, as well as going on your own.

[Cobra_X30]

The guy I slept with has agreed to keep it quiet and just wants to be friends and I can't tell my boyfriend, no matter what, I can't.... I'm serious, I will never do it again, this has totally shown me the grass is NOT greener on the otherside, so what now... how do I get over my guilt? Am I a souless hobag that should tell him so he can dump my ass and crusify me the way I deserve? Kind comments would be appriciated as I am kinda on the edge here and generally a good human being....... please help me, I wanna stay with my man and love him more than ever.

 

I understand what your going through, you made a huge life altering mistake... and its messing with how you percieve yourself.

 

What type of love do you have for your BF? It seems like your love is kind of selfish. Think... if he cheated on you wouldnt you deserve the opportunity to make an active choice... to forgive and move on... or to end it. Provide him the opportunity to make an informed decision.

 

Second... it seems you dont understand why you did this, yet you state that you wont do it again. Can you see why those two things dont make sense together?

 

This kind of sounds rough, but the reality is that you traded in a guy who loves you and thinks your special... for a guy who thinks your just a booty call. It sounds like an issue with self worth.

 

Anyway... I can assure you that you are not a Souless Hobag. I dont think your a bad person either. I think you messed up big... and you need to step up and fix it.

[reservoirdog1]

You're not a soul-less hobag. You got drunk and did something colossally stupid. We've all been guilty of doing stupid things, especially when drunk. After all, there are those who get shytfaced, drive drunk, and kill somebody.

 

But, I agree with the others -- it may be an explanation, but it's not an excuse. There's no two ways about it, what you did is a potential dealbreaker. It sucks but it's true.

 

Bish was right on. (And, BTW, my own story of my marriage is shockingly similar, right down to the # of kids and # of years of marriage.) By not telling him, you are making a monumental decision about his life without giving him any input, and you have no right to do that. And if it gets out later -- e.g., because your co-worker blabs despite his promise and it works its way back to your BF, or because a few years and a wedding go by and you can't carry the guilt any longer -- he will feel, rightly, like you've not just betrayed him and lied to him, but DEFRAUDED him. Think about that word for a sec -- it's where you get somebody to make a decision based on a set of facts that they think are true (because you've encouraged them to think so), but which you know are false. That's how I feel about what my XW did to me. It took me almost three years to get over it after the split, and I doubt I'll ever trust her again. If it weren't for the kids, I wouldn't have anything to do with her.

 

On the other hand, if you come clean now, it'll hurt like hell. But he may just be able to get past it in time, given your honesty. And by quitting your job without objection or hesitation, you'll be demonstrating the strength of your commitment to him even more.

 

Good luck...

[norajane]

I knew it was a mistake before I did it, but I justified it with beer and the fact I'm 24 and will probably marry my boyfriend and I wanted to, I don't know, be a slut?

 

Well, the others have given you advice about telling your bf, and I agree. However, I think this part above is actually your bigger issue...if your bf forgives you and decides he wants to try to rebuild his trust in you, do you even know that you actually want to be in a serious and committed relationship?

 

I know you SAY you do, but this regret about not having more sexual experiences before you commit to someone is a problem that comes up on this board fairly regularly. Couples will get married, and then later one of them regrets not having had multiple partners before they married. They feel like they missed out by not having had those sex experiences. And then they start thinking about cheating on their spouses.

 

You started to feel that regret with your bf, and you actually did cheat. I would say you need to think long and hard if you're really ready to settle down. You may need some more years to be 'free' before you can commit to one guy without regret.

[oppath]

I have recently started working at a bar which means I am working with lots of cool and interesting people.

 

so don't have any mates at all and was feeling depressed and lonely before I landed this job working behind the bar.

 

Why were you feeling depressed and lonely? Were you working another job before finding a bar job? Have you done other things to try and find mates?

 

I'm not going to knock service industry jobs, but I will question how working at such a place MEANS you work with lots of cool and interesting people more than any other job. It's a social job, I'll grant you that, but the service industry has a reputation, particularly night-time establishments -- for having a bit of a party culture. I am making a generalization, but there is truth to it too. I've entertained getting a part time bar-back position just so I could meet new people and party more myself.

 

In contrast, what does your boyfriend do for work? What does he do to make new mates?

 

Could it be that you just aren't ready for a relationship at this point in your life? Are you actively seeking a party lifestyle while your boyfriend wants something more settled?

 

Bottom line, to make this work, you do need to quit that job. And, you probably need to find a job in a different industry too, one not known for partying after work, etc. I'd suggest looking for mates by taking classes or joining a sports league, and I'd suggest inviting your BF along to these things. I'd suggest not making new male friends that you hang with one-on-one. Only hang out with new dudes in group situations, ones that your bf is invited to every other time you hang out. That is an appropriate boundary in a relationship anyway: no new one-on-one guy friends unless your bf is allowed to become their friend too. If you are in a relationship, you shouldn't be hanging out with a guy one-on-one unless your bf gets to meet him, and you should expect the same respect from your bf. Going to lunch with a coworker excluded, that is the healthy boundary most people live by. You aren't excluded from making new friends of the opposite sex, but you are from shielding them from your boyfriend.

 

Your motivations for taking that job and how you describe it, along with cheating, lead me to question: do you really want a relationship? Or do you want to sow your wild oats?

[Harleyquinn]

Hi "attackers" ...kidding.... thanks for your words of advice. To answer some of the questions... I was feeling depressed because I suffer from bi-polar disorder and had it diagnosed 12 months ago, I am noW on medication and striving to lead a normal life. I do have selfish love, I am a very selfish person and very self centered however I don't want to kill myself, but I can't live with who I am. Maybe my mother never told me i was good or daddy never hugged me. I don't know why I did what I did. Yes I do actually, because I was being cheeky and trying to feel desirable to a new person who I found desirable. This has totally fractured my world. I dont wanna tell him, I am scared, I don't want to lose him, I do love him, regardless of what you think I promise you all I know I love him and would never wrong him again, I am so sad and know I deserve it but I really wouldn't be able to live knowing that he knows. I feel too ashamed and I made a very big mistake and I am so alone and you guys are the only people helping me, thank you so much. I live from moment to moment with an aching tummy.... I will await any words of wisdom from you all, I am scared and dont want him to know the truth about me, i am in such denial but he is my best buddy and i love him, i do love him and i am the worlds worst person because i am too much of a coward to ever tell him and so i am stuck in this limbo of having a brain that dosnt work properly and a heart that hurts those who bother to love me. i am sorry steve. i really truly am (endless tears)

[Harleyquinn]

just to answer another question.... my boyfriend is a labourer and also plays professional football (rugby here in australia) i am a full time fashion and catwalk model

[Harleyquinn]

hey bish... dont be so vulgar, sitting behind a computer dosnt make you god or perfect so tap into that sensitivity chip human and dont be so insulting, i am asking for help and if u wanna be vile and add to my hurt further than pls dont. im not asking for your opinion to be sugar coated but out of all of the threads your ending was INSANE.

[Vixen763]

Ok...after the harsh part of my post I forgot about the "help" part.

 

If you want this to work, then tell your bf. Because if he finds out later, he'll resent you immensly. At least this way he may feel that he can trust you because you came clean and want to be honest.

 

And at least this way you can take the opportunity to hold him, and let him see that you "appear" to be sincere and know you f#cked up(and f#cking up is different than a "mistake"). Be ready to kiss his feet every day for a long long time if he forgives you.

 

Even though I am a "no 2nd chances" and "once a cheater always a cheater" guy that will never keep someone that cheats on me once, hey may be a fool and forgive.

 

And if he does forgive you, you better NEVER slide down that slope again.

Nothing worse than someone that gives a cheater a 2nd chance and then gets f#cked over by them again.

 

And I think you need to quit your job and find another one. You can't be around this guy you f#cked and make amends with your bf.

 

 

You just seem to be harsh to everybody....slow down Bish. Life is not a aperfect road and people are not supposed to be applauded for betraying others or making mistakes, they are supposed to helped to understand the graveness of the problem and guided on how they can make things right...leave the spanking job to out partners or our parents...you are supposed to be a friend here, not a hater! other people criticize on this forum, they dont make it hateful as i notice you do>>> get it?

[sb129]

just to answer another question.... my boyfriend is a labourer and also plays professional football (rugby here in australia) i am a full time fashion and catwalk model

 

If you are a "full time fashion and catwalk model" how come you need to work in a bar?

 

I think you should tell your BF, he deserves to know. At the moment he is under the illusion you are a faithful woman, which is basically living a lie.

 

There are two peoples feelings at stake here, and not telling him is very selfish, as you are making decisions for both of you without consulting him.

 

Some R actually do survive infidelity. Not many survive long term deceit.

You never know, if you come clean with your BF and quit your job to show you are serious about how sorry you are, he may forgive you.

 

I also think that you may need to take a look inside yourself and deal with whats going on in there. You clearly have selfishness and self esteem issues, and if you don't deal with them you will never be completely happy or fulfilled in a relationship.

 

This is advice from someone who has been in your shoes a long time ago...

[Harleyquinn]

I got the job at the bar although I do full time modelling (trying to get acting work) because my doctor advised me to get some stability in my life(because of the bipolar) I only work there 12 hours a week, 3 mini shifts. well i did, i have quit my job and am having the weekend from hell. how many tears can one body create? thanks for helping me everyone xoxoxoxoxo every time i look at him i just wanna scream it out what i did, what is stopping me.... oh yeah im a selfish coward......how i loathe myself.

[sb129]

Is the full time modelling work not regular or stable enough?

 

oh yeah im a selfish coward......how i loathe myself.

 

This is half your problem. Self loathing = low self esteem which leads to people doing things like cheating.

 

And you are considering a career in acting? If you already have a fragile self esteem the cut throat and bitchy worlds of modelling and acting are only going to make it worse.

 

There is no point feeling sorry for yourself. Or trying to blame something for your cheating. People without bipolar cheat too, so you can't blame that.

 

You are still looking for ways to excuse your actions rather than facing up to them and admitting that you did something wrong.

Looking at the reasons you may have cheated doesn't automatically give you an excuse to cheat.

 

You need to tell your boyfriend. I think the reason you won't tell him is that you are terrified of him leaving you, which is understandable, but not a good enough reason not to tell him. You messed up. You need to take responsibility for that.

 

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

[starlite]

I am sure you love him more than ever know, and people make mistakes... But here is the deal..

 

You made a choice to betray your bf's trust. Your relationship is now built on a lie..if you marry him, your marriage will be a lie. You made a choice to sleep around, now he deserves the choice of whether or not he wants to stay with you. IMAGINE...you relationship progresses, or you do get married and then somehow he finds out (which tends to happen eventually) he is going to be disgusted by you.

 

You owe him. At least give him that respect.

 

If not, you are living a lie and tricking your bf into staying with you. Do you want that?

 

 

 

 

( I would really do this...or else you will just keep feeling guilty and live every day here on out in fear he will find out) Let him decide whether or not he can stay.

[reservoirdog1]

( I would really do this...or else you will just keep feeling guilty and live every day here on out in fear he will find out) Let him decide whether or not he can stay.

I agree. If you come clean, it will hurt, and you'll feel guilty... but you won't feel like a fraud. In my case, XW said that, during the seven years I was blissfully ignorant, she'd look over at me sleeping peacefully and feel like shyt, knowing that I thought she was wonderful when in truth she wasn't. (I don't know if that's really what she felt but for the present purposes I'll assume it was.) I can readily imagine somebody in that situation feeling like that.

 

The guilt's already eating you alive. How the hell do you expect to be able to carry it for the rest of your life? Or a few years? Or a year? Coming clean isn't only the right thing to do... it may also be what YOU need to do.

[sb129]

Seems like everyone is saying the same thing HarleyQuinn.

 

Living a lie is stressful and destructive... I don't think you could stand it for long.

[reservoirdog1]

To expand on what I said above... If you come clean, it will hurt, and you'll feel guilty... but you won't feel like a fraud. In my case, XW also said that she felt like she was only capable of having shallow friendships with people because they'd shun her if they knew who she really was. And feeling trapped and miserable, on and off, for seven years. And feeling like an imposter and a cancer in the presence of my family members. And seeing no way out other than a horrible car crash or simply disappearing one day. I can readily imagine somebody in that situation feeling like that, because that's how I'd feel in that situation.

 

Oh, and I agree with the above poster... if you're bipolar, and have problems loving yourself, for god's sake (and for yours) forget about acting and modeling. Much as we idolize actors and models, those industries are full to the gills with narcissists, sociopaths and your basic selfish, arrogant pr!cks. It chews people up and spits out the bones. You're only 24 -- your whole life is ahead of you. Go back to school if you can. Find something to do with your life that will make you feel good about yourself -- not an industry where you're only considered worthwhile as long as you're 32-24-32. If you don't want to KEEP having your self-worth challenged, on a daily basis, leave that world behind now while you still can.

[East of Jupiter]

Not everyone thinks you should tell. I sit on the fence and try to understand each situation. Often, we tell the SO for selfish reasons as well. YOU want to feel better even if it makes the person you love miserable.

 

If you know you love your boyfriend and you know this was a huge mistake never to be repeated, perhaps you should confess to someone else first. Perhaps your medicine for betrayal is to carry the burden of your own guilt.

 

But the me, me, me, me drama won't get you anywhere.

[oppath]

Well East of Jupiter, I'd agree that she would maximize the chance of the relationship continuing if she didn't tell him. Absolutely, the relationship has the best chance of moving forward if she conceals the truth.

 

The problem is that she would be denying him choice over his life. That is manipulative and abusive. She would be with-holding information that could allow him to make an informed decision about the relationship, about his life.

 

It honestly appears that she was actively pursuing attention from other people, this guy in particular, and there were many steps along the way she could have asserted boundaries. There was no drunken mistake, there was a series of steps she took over TIME, that put her in the position to cheat. She willingly sought it out, in my opinion. She saw someone attractive, and wanted him to desire her too. She wanted that thrill. This wasn't a case of "I got drunk and made a bad decision," it is a case of "over the period of a couple months I sought attention from this dude because it made me feel desirable and eventually our flirtation led to sex." It sounds to me like there was likely inappropriate behavior going on with this guy long before the act of sex. Healthy boundaries weren't asserted. Quite simply, when in a relationship, most people don't actively seek out new opposite sex friends, and when they do make new ones through work or activities, they include their significant other right away. To me, it sounds like she was actively seeking the company of this guy in an inappropriate way, as outside of work, and maybe drinks with other coworkers there, she should only be hanging out with that guy if her and her boyfriend are going out with lots of people and she invites him along too. She put herself in the position to cheat knowing full well what she was doing: enjoying the flirtation.

 

This is why the choices really are break up with him, or tell him the truth, because her behavior leading up to the cheating indicates a problem with their relationship or her readiness to be in one at this point in her life. She was actively seeking the attention of a guy she was attracted to. That indicates a serious problem, with her, or the relationship.

 

Keeping quiet will maximize the chance of the relationship moving forward in the short term, but it will do nothing to address why she PUT HERSELF in the position to cheat; she facilitated it. It did not just happen.

[starlite]

Not everyone thinks you should tell. I sit on the fence and try to understand each situation. Often, we tell the SO for selfish reasons as well. YOU want to feel better even if it makes the person you love miserable.

 

If you know you love your boyfriend and you know this was a huge mistake never to be repeated, perhaps you should confess to someone else first. Perhaps your medicine for betrayal is to carry the burden of your own guilt.

 

But the me, me, me, me drama won't get you anywhere.

 

Although I understand what you are saying and believe everyone is entitled to there own opinion, I have to disagree.

 

(I am going to use this situation as my example...please Harley, dont be offended by what i say...it's just to difficult to make something up) Here goes:

 

How is it fair that she get's to make the decision to go and sleep with someone else, then decide she made a huge mistake and the decide she wont tell her bf in fear that he will be able to make a decison on whteher or not to stay. It is so one sided and unfair to the faithful (loving) bf (partner).

 

He deserves the right to decide on what to do. He is in this relationship under the understanding that you both remain faithful. You broke that Harley, and now he needs to reevaulte the situation.

 

I'm not saying you should be hated, you are a terrible person...or anything like that. People make mistakes...but it takes more to own up to them.

 

I cheated once. It was with an ex...the next mornin I woke up to 15 texts and calls from my bf. I felt awful! I cried. I realized how bad of a mistake i had made, would NEVER do it again. But i owed my bf. That very day i called him and told him how bad i messed up. After a few days of us talking to no end he forgave me. In the long run we were not for eachother, but i told him...not to release my guilt but because I owed it to him to know.

 

I mean, say your bf goes out, drinks, meets some hot young girl and goes home with her...would you want him to not tell you? Or would you want to be able to make the decision on whether or not you would trust again and keep on going.

 

Regardless of your answer...this relationship will never be true until the truth is told.

[Cobra_X30]

I do have selfish love, I am a very selfish person and very self centered however I don't want to kill myself, but I can't live with who I am. Maybe my mother never told me i was good or daddy never hugged me. I don't know why I did what I did. Yes I do actually, because I was being cheeky and trying to feel desirable to a new person who I found desirable. This has totally fractured my world. I dont wanna tell him, I am scared, I don't want to lose him, I do love him, regardless of what you think I promise you all I know I love him and would never wrong him again,

 

Hey, You actually feel guilty, so your not a bad person. I agree with the others that you dont value yourself. As long as that is the case your going to try and fill that hole in your heart with something. Honestly, until you fix that, any kind of happyness is like grasping sand... its just going to pour through your fingers. I have to tell you that in my experience girls who work in modeling almost every single one has this same issue. I cant tell you why that is... perhaps its just the ones I know... or maybe its the fact that they are only valued for thier physical features... or maybe the constant evaluation and criticizm. Either way... it just doesnt sound like your happy at all.

 

That selfish love isnt true, it isnt deep, and it isnt fulfilling. It will keep you constantly shopping for a better deal, because its all about what someone else can give you, its a false emotional high. Its the road to ruin. Notice that you even say... you wanted to feel desireable. You work as a model... if you werent desireable they wouldnt even let you out on the floor! So, you know this is something inside you!

 

I know your scared to tell, and it hurts to keep inside. Eventually something is going to have to give. If you dont tell... your just going to hate yourself more, its actually going to make you more vulnerable to this kind of thing in the future. Does that make sense?

 

I cant make you like yourself. But if you decide to tell him and you cant figure out how tell, that I CAN help you with!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

I have a couple of comments for you to consider. First, my guess is that you probably had unprotected sex which would put your boyfriend at health risk for STD's.

 

Second, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect your boyfriend to be honest with you? Either your relationship is based on honesty and respect or it is based on lies and deceit. By not telling him you are still disrespecting him and your relationship. Do the right thing and tell him because he has a right to know. You both also probably should be tested for STD's. I wish you luck.