Cheated on long term b/f, cant get over the guilt

[East of Jupiter]

If she were married, I may feel differently.

 

As humans we make mistakes. Sometimes big ones, sometimes little ones.

 

I didn't say she shouldn't tell her boyfriend, I said she needs to talk this over with someone first -- a therapist or trusted friend.

 

My husband cheated on me before we got married. I could have lived happily without that knowledge and in the bigger scope of our marriage, it meant little.

 

What does make it a bad thing is that he is a cheater and went on to do more harm.

 

Is this young woman a cheater? Or someone who made a mistake?

[Sal Paradise]

Is this young woman a cheater? Or someone who made a mistake?

 

Irrelevant. All that matters is that he is entitled to know if the person he is in a committed relationship with isn't as committed as he is or trustworthy as he may of thought. And in this day and age of STD's (some that can kill) who you sleep with is a decision no one should take lightly. She could do this again and he needs to know in order for him to make an informed decision as to whether or not she is worth the risk (of his heart and health). She potentially endangered his health and he has every right to know.

 

Cheating is never justified neither is lying about it.

[East of Jupiter]

Irrelevant. All that matters is that he is entitled to know if the person he is in a committed relationship with isn't as committed as he is or trustworthy as he may of thought. And in this day and age of STD's (some that can kill) who you sleep with is a decision no one should take lightly. She could do this again and he needs to know in order for him to make an informed decision as to whether or not she is worth the risk (of his heart and health). She potentially endangered his health and he has every right to know.

 

Cheating is never justified neither is lying about it.

 

Ha! You're telling me?

 

But I'm not arguing. I do entertain though and believe, that someone can make a mistake which they will never repeat -- many, many affairs turn out this way.

 

I can only speak for myself. If that were the case, I would rather not know. I live with the many scars of betrayal and I would trade those for blissful ignorance any day of the week.

 

But that's just me.

[starlite]

Ha! You're telling me?

 

But I'm not arguing. I do entertain though and believe, that someone can make a mistake which they will never repeat -- many, many affairs turn out this way.

 

I can only speak for myself. If that were the case, I would rather not know. I live with the many scars of betrayal and I would trade those for blissful ignorance any day of the week.

 

But that's just me.

 

I know you arent arguing and saying she absolutely shouldnt tell...but I just wanted to say...

 

To the original poster, i dont think it is fair for you to choose not to tell your bf. He has every right to know, and like i said before you made a mistake, i understand that...but because of that..because you made a choice, now he deserves a choice.

 

Obviously i feel strongly about this. I dont think you are a bad person...i do think you love your bf. But now it is time for you to be an adult and own up to your mistake and take whatever he is going to give you in return, whether he chooses to leave you, or give you another chance.

 

Not telling is selfish. Again, i am not saying you ARE a selfish person, but you are made a selfish decision and are continuing to do so.

 

Own up to it and hope for the best.

[Cad Rake]

Yeah, sure, this will only happen once. If you could justify it once you can justify it again and again and again. Maybe it'll take a couple of years, but it'll happen again.

 

Whether you tell him or not... the relationsip is doomed.

[bish]

You just seem to be harsh to everybody....slow down Bish. Life is not a aperfect road and people are not supposed to be applauded for betraying others or making mistakes, they are supposed to helped to understand the graveness of the problem and guided on how they can make things right...leave the spanking job to out partners or our parents...you are supposed to be a friend here, not a hater! other people criticize on this forum, they dont make it hateful as i notice you do>>> get it?

 

Hey, I gave you advice to take the 2nd chance that you have been given and run with it.

 

But you chose to whine about the way I gave it to you.

You still are clinging onto the myth that what you did was a mistake. It wasn't, it was premeditated and you knew exactly what you were doing.

 

Hence the harshness. As long as you continue to act like it was a simple little mistake, I will continue to tell it to you like the cold hard truth that it is. Because if you want it sugarcoated and still think it was a simple little "mistake"....then you will repeat your actions in the future whether you think you will or not. Because if/when it happens again, you will dismiss it as a mistake like you had no control over it.

 

So sorry. It amazes me that someone can deal out the pain of betrayal, yet get all sensitive and offended by the cold hard truth of the situation.

[VIP]

I think you don't need to tell anybody anything. Ok, you did it, you feel guilty. Now forget about it, it is more important that you love your boyfriend, than this one physical meaningless act of sex. If it doesn't mean anything to you, why make a big deal out of it?

[norajane]

I think you don't need to tell anybody anything. Ok, you did it, you feel guilty. Now forget about it, it is more important that you love your boyfriend, than this one physical meaningless act of sex. If it doesn't mean anything to you, why make a big deal out of it?

 

Oh, but it's not meaningless. Perhaps this guy she cheated with doesn't mean anything to her, but the fact that she cheated, and the fact that she says this:

 

I knew it was a mistake before I did it, but I justified it with beer and the fact I'm 24 and will probably marry my boyfriend and I wanted to, I don't know, be a slut?

 

is a red flag that she is nowhere near ready to commit to her boyfriend, certainly not to marry him.

 

It's a big deal because she is talking about settling down with her bf, but her actions show that she is ambivalent about not having had more, er, slutty experiences. She can't just forget this happened, because her desire to have more experience with other men will not just disappear.

[PoshPrincess]

I am in agreement with East of Jupiter here. No good is going to come from confessing. In my personal experience, these confessions are only there to ease our own guilt. If your boyfriend really loves you as much as you appear to love him then telling is going to break his heart. Yes you are wracked with guilt, but you will get over it.

 

What happens if you tell? Either he stays with you and may find it hard to trust you ever again, therefore pretty much destroying your R, or he chooses to leave you. If he takes the latter option, his trust in women in general could be destroyed, it could make him bitter and twisted and he may never be able to form a committed R with anyone. He may take his revenge (subconsciously of course) on other women by doing the same thing to them.

 

Honestly, you WILL get over this; just give it time. Do as much as you can to take your mind off everything but always have it in the back of your mind somewhere to ensure that you never do it again. My concern is also that if you tell, and he DOES forgive you, it may actually be EASIER for you to cheat again. A bit like a Catholic confession (IMO) - you will be absolved from your sins by saying a few 'Hail Mary's' and can then do the same thing all over again. Better to carry a little bit of that guilt round with you as a reminder of what you did. Don't hurt your BF if you feel that this is a one-off. At least you have taken the next step and left your job - that is definitely a move in the right direction!

 

Lots of luck. It WILL get easier in time. I promise.

[ls707]

Although I understand what you are saying and believe everyone is entitled to there own opinion, I have to disagree.

 

(I am going to use this situation as my example...please Harley, dont be offended by what i say...it's just to difficult to make something up) Here goes:

 

How is it fair that she get's to make the decision to go and sleep with someone else, then decide she made a huge mistake and the decide she wont tell her bf in fear that he will be able to make a decison on whteher or not to stay. It is so one sided and unfair to the faithful (loving) bf (partner).

 

He deserves the right to decide on what to do. He is in this relationship under the understanding that you both remain faithful. You broke that Harley, and now he needs to reevaulte the situation.

 

I'm not saying you should be hated, you are a terrible person...or anything like that. People make mistakes...but it takes more to own up to them.

 

I cheated once. It was with an ex...the next mornin I woke up to 15 texts and calls from my bf. I felt awful! I cried. I realized how bad of a mistake i had made, would NEVER do it again. But i owed my bf. That very day i called him and told him how bad i messed up. After a few days of us talking to no end he forgave me. In the long run we were not for eachother, but i told him...not to release my guilt but because I owed it to him to know.

 

I mean, say your bf goes out, drinks, meets some hot young girl and goes home with her...would you want him to not tell you? Or would you want to be able to make the decision on whether or not you would trust again and keep on going.

 

Regardless of your answer...this relationship will never be true until the truth is told.

 

Starlite made some good points, and seriously you need to listen to her. He deserves the truth and nothing but the truth. Otherwise your whole relationship is built on a lie, and usually such things have a funny way of coming around back to you.