What to expect...

[Cioriel]

Hi there - I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts or things to share on what it is like once you get back w/ your ex. My ex and I just recently (this week) got back together and we have decided to take things slow. We both want this to work (obviously) and we have talked a lot about the things we want to be different this time around. I was just wondering what to expect in this period of time that we have just gotten back together. Right now it's kind of a weird stage where we know each other so well and really like each other but we are also very cautious - will that feeling of being really careful go away with time on its own? I guess I was just wondering what others' experiences in this situation have been.

[Alexandra-Girl]

Hi Cioriel,

 

I would like to offer some suggestions, but I believe that to do so would require a little more details of what occured. I.E. how long where you apart? Who initiated the reconciliation? Have you both actively changed your past behavior (not just an acceptance of what went wrong)? What interest level do both parties have? What intimacy level are you two at?

 

If you have just gotten back together, don't rush physical intimacy at all. This will only raise suspicion if you are the male in this scenario. If you want a successful round two, there needs to be a rebuilding of the foundation that your relationship will NOW rest upon. You can not use the past as a weapon or a negotiation tool. The first few months will need to be used for illustrating that there is a new maturity and sincerity between the BOTH of you.

 

Alex.

[norajane]

Yes, the cautious walking on eggshells will fade. It can go both ways, though - you can get complacent and start falling back onto your old behaviors as you get more comfortable. Or you can create a better relationship than you had before if you see that both of your actions are actually matching your words and intentions to change things for the better.

[PWSX3]

for me after being separated for 7 months getting back together was like a honeymoon kind of, but just like that first "love" it will also fade & then you have to start working on the relationship.

 

For me, I had started to read books, worked very hard to "NOT" be that old person again which to this day I still tell myself every morning I won't be that old person...

 

So I feel in order for a second chance to work we (you & me) have to do some changes, maybe you don't feel it was your fault that things went bad in the first place but it takes both sides to make it work & it took both sides to make things bad, its not 50% from both sides like I thought but 100% from both sides.

 

Something that I have changed is when things bother me don't hold them inside, let your spouse/bf/gf know but do it in a kind constructive way so you can work them out instead of them becoming a competition.

 

Just like someone else said you have to work at it because it is very easy for things to fall back into the same old routine & when that happens the same result will happen....

[Cioriel]

thank you so much for your input everyone! It really helps.

 

 

I would like to offer some suggestions, but I believe that to do so would require a little more details of what occured. I.E. how long where you apart? Who initiated the reconciliation? Have you both actively changed your past behavior (not just an acceptance of what went wrong)? What interest level do both parties have? What intimacy level are you two at?

 

Some of the brief details are that he broke it off w/ me about 3 months ago b/c he realized he just wasn't happy (in general - he didn't know exactly what was causing it). while apart I realize that the major problem was that when we started going out (we were together for a little over 2 years) I had very little self esteem. Without realizing, I relied on him to make me feel good (which he did) but that can't last forever and so anything that went wrong I took out of proportion, got down about, and couldn't let go. After breaking up I finally had the chance to build my own foundation of self esteem and that has changed a lot (with me personally and w/ our relationship). He has started communicating more and telling me what he is thinking and if there are things on his mind (like problems). We have talked about still wanting to keep our own individual time w/ our respective friends and not feeling like we have to be so "coupley" or "lovey dovey", as we really acted that way before. We have talked about wanting to maintain the friendship we developed whlie broken up along with being in a relationship together (like we can still be sarcastic w/ each other in a loving way and joke around - not just be super sweet all the time). As far as our intimacy right now, we are trying to keep it low - it's hard. He is really really into the intimacy stuff but we both agree that we need to slow it down b/c we are taking things slow. We haven't had sex or anything since we got back together and we don't plan to until we feel we both trust each other and know that we are secure. Right now we aren't telling anyone b/c we feel this is part of taking it slow and are just focusing on not gliding over the issues and settling back into what we were.

 

I hope that helps - if there is anything else you are wondering please let me know I appreciate any advice or thoughts!

[Alexandra-Girl]

Hi Cioriel,

 

This is a classic case of misunderstanding and miscommunication between you and your partner.

 

You see, Men get their sense of worth through accomplishments, power, efficiency, and being Mr.fix-it; thus they feel competent when these values are achieved. Women on the other hand get our sense of worth from the relationships we have in life. Immediately, there is a conflict in values. Men are a win/loose path (they win, the other loses = competition) and women are a loose/win path (we loose because we GIVE). Women give up their own needs and desires, often to fulfill others and nurture the relationships we have. This comes into conflict because Men continue to love their women when he KNOWS that he is fulfilling HER NEEDS, but since she is constantly sacrificing her own needs for others he begins to retreat. This could explain why he retreated without knowing the reason why. He went into a hole to solve problems, just when you needed him most to validate your feelings. You got angry and felt abandoned because he brought his focus to fixing the matter and neglected your feelings. This is okay, because THIS IS MAN’s NATURE. You need to be aware of this and let him retreat BECAUSE he will come back when he knows how to fix-it. Women multi-task, men compartmentalize. When he comes back, then YOU have his focus and that is the RIGHT time to discuss things in a supportive way. He won’t feel criticized and rejected at this time because you will tell him that you trust he will give you all the love you need. Relationships are about finding the RIGHT time to communicate.

 

Unfortunately, like so many relationships, your man has been unable to notice that your low self-esteem is NOT a reflection on him or your relationship. But because it is in HIS nature to be mr. fix-it and mr.competent, he feels that he has been inadequate at fulfilling your needs when he sees you as unhappy. He offers solutions to YOUR problems, but what you really needed was validation of the way you where feeling; not resolution but an ear and a hug. When his solutions didn’t work, or you didn’t implement them, he took that LITERALLY as rejection. Resulting in him feeling that he wasn’t fulfilling your needs anymore, which makes the man unhappy because he has lost. Rejection and inadequacy is painful to any man, even though you weren’t rejecting HIM. In his mind, he was being rejected and felt he was incompetent = he was no longer winning. He wasn’t sure what was going on, because he didn’t understand that women and men are different.

 

We may say the same words, but they mean entirely different things. Women generalize, Men literalize (if that is even a word, lol). For example, when a women says ‘maybe we should take a break’ – she means slow things down, separate for a bit to miss eachother because she feels unhealthy in the relationship but wants to continue to be in love with him. Men and ‘break’ means something is broken and they need to ‘fix it’ immediately. Of course, the two meanings result in entirely different, conflicting actions. Women see it as progress, men see it as black and white – fixed or not.

 

Now that you two have noticed that self-esteem was NOT his issue, and you have worked on this and built yourself back up, you can now set boundaries and limits that fulfill YOU. He will want to be the man that satisfies these for you because it makes him Win, while making you win at the same time. He will know what these limits are and can set goals to accomplish them. Otherwise, you revert back to him feeling overwhelmed that he can not make you feel happy.

 

I strongly suggest that you do NOT have sexual intimacy (other than kissing) for a while. He needs to feel and know that he is trusted in that he will fulfill your desires (outside of sex) and you need to feel that he is validating your feelings by truly listening – without offering solutions. You need to keep these and to continue to develop these new roles of him being mr. attentative instead of Mr. fix-it; and you, you need to continue the role of building yourself internally and trusting him that he will fulfill your new boundaries set.

 

This will be difficult and lengthy, but you must make sure that whenever you discuss something with him – be sure to indicate immediately that this is NOT a reflection of him. If you bring up problems, he takes these problems upon himself – even if it is a simple as your aunt isn’t talking to your brother. If it affects you, he makes it affect him. It's like being a fan of a sports team and taking the teams loss on your shoulders alone. In particular, when you do discuss ongoings of your relationship don’t say that “he isn’t hearing you”, instead say “He is wonderful at listening, but you are not sure If you are being clear enough that he understands you”. You need to build his confidence up by telling him how well he does satisfy you. And remember, It is okay to make mistakes. It is okay for him to make a mistake. It is okay for you to make a mistake.

 

I hope this helps,

 

Good luck,

Alex

[Cioriel]

Thank you a ton for that great advice - we have really talked out some of that stuff and he said that if we have problems with our communication and all our issues aren't ironed out right away he won't just assume they won't ever be fixed and run, and that we would talk them out and find out what we can do better together. that made me feel a lot better.

 

Right now I am having a problem coming to terms with the time apart we had. It was only three months and he never hooked up with any girls or anything. We have a mutual friend and we were talking today, and she mentioned some of the things he did while we were apart and just how he hung out w/ her and her husband they would drink and he jokingly flirted w/ her cousin. It just hurts me a lot b/c I missed him a lot and I feel like he didn't miss me at all. He went to two weddings adn out of curiosity last night I asked him if he missed me at them. He got kind of awkward and I immediately regretted asking him b/c it's a very awkward question and he said it was difficult to answer. I withdrew the question and told him he didn't have to answer. I'm just having a hard time dealng w/ the fact that he seemed to be perfectly okay while we were apart. It just hurts. He told me yesterday, though, that he chose to come back to me and that he knew what single life was like but he chose to be with me, knowing what his life would be like if we didn't get back together. It was comforting to hear but it was really hard to hear our mutual friend talking about him and stuff he did while we were apart.

[Alexandra-Girl]

Cioriel,

 

You have got to let the 3 months apart go - toss it down the toilet RIGHT NOW. We all do things to get past the person who hurt us, and most often flirting is the thing we do. You can't bring this up to him anymore - EVER. You NEED to start now, this is what counts. No more past! JUST FUTURE. If someone speaks about his behavior during your break, walk out of the room. Don't fall into the trap of self-doubt. The ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IS THE RIGHT NOW.

 

Asking him about his feelings is NOT good. You are reverting to that clingy person again and he is picking up on this (the one that made him feel unhappy and brought him to his hole). You need to be strong and confident that he is with you and you are with him. STOP QUESTIONING HIM RIGHT NOW. You are doing more damage by doing this!!!! As tough as it sounds, HE IS KEEPING SCORE and YOU JUST LOST A POINT. You need to get that point back - go out with girlfriends for non-alcoholic drinks and let him know this. He needs to see a CONFIDENT woman who doesn't cling to him but WANTS him.

 

DO NOT QUESTION HIM about his feelings about you. That is the low-confidence woman, the one that he left before. Please, don't repeat the same mistakes.

 

Keep us updated.

Alex

[Cioriel]

I'm getting better at being able to let go of our time apart. We have had a couple discussions that stemmed from that, though, about his female friends and we've made progress and come to a good decision, so that is good.

 

Right now it's hard b/c I know both of us are scared. It's so easy to think about the future and if we'll make it and also think about the past and the way we used to be. I told him last night that when I think about where we are right now I love us and that we both need to focus on that, no matter how easy it is to slip into past/future thinking. He gets nervous too and I hope that goes away. Do you think it will with time?

I've been slipping a little bit into my past self with low confidence or more anxious tendencies and I"m working hard to keep that away....I think it is just so easy to worry about us and whether we will work and what he is thinking.

 

I'm nervous b/c I don't want to be a chore or a stressful thing in his life - he says I'm not but I don't know. It seems like he has to have all these close friendships w/ people, especially girls, and it does kind of bother me. Like at work - he hardly emails me but he'll chat w/ a good guy friend of his and email him all through the day. Does this say anything or am I looking into something really stupid? And I dont' have a problem with his female friends, but sometimes I don't get why he wants to be friends w/ them - he listed off 5 girls that he would want to keep in contact with....it just seems like quite a few. I don't have any interest in getting new guy friends and the guy friends I do have I'm not really that close to. I think that's why I get nervous - having guy friends doens't interest me b/c todd really is the only guy I'm interested in being close with and so I look at his girl friends and I wonder why he wants to have them. Insight would be great on this...