Am I trapped, and if so, where, and how do I escape?

[Glue]

OK, I'm new, but I need some pointers. I'll try and keep it brief.

 

Anyway, I met this girl 5 years ago now at school. We got on really well and after a few months were kinda on the verge of going out (I mean, I definitely wouldn't have fooled around elsewhere then and there was a sort of mutual understanding) when the summer came up and, due to different travel plans, we didn't see each other for about 6/8 weeks. When we did, she told me she didn't want anything to happen. Then shortly afterwards she started going out with some other guy. A few months after that, I significantly offended her with a poorly placed comment. In my desperation to make it up to her, I told her I loved her. She didn't believe me, saying I 'loved her as a friend'.

 

She stayed with this guy for about 3 years and after initially cutting contact with her, I then became close friends with her. Due to different universities and what-not we usually only see each other maybe 6/7 times a year but over the past few years we've spoken on the phone or texted at least a couple of times a week. We are close friends, at least in name, although don't really share any mutual friends anymore. However, I have never totally gotten over her. She is now with a new boyfriend of about 4 months (I haven't met him but she seems into him, but then she is the kind who likes to have someone) but I am also suspicious she knows I'm still interested. She is quite a closed book and doesn't like to talk about feelings - since our initial stalled semi-relationship there's only been one time that I ever felt she may have seen me as something more, and that was a year ago when she was single. I missed the chance to say anything then. However, recently I've been feeling as if I'm taken for granted and kinda like an old toy - when she's low or bored she may call or text, but she never tries to organise a meet-up in person despite us only being in the same part of the country for a few weeks at a time each year (until now...). Plus it can never be anything too couply - the furthest we've gone along that road is seeing a movie together and having a lunch or two together.

 

I need some advice. Much as I've strived to steer clear of falling too far into the trap, how far am I caught in the 'friend zone'? Is it worth holding out to state my feelings when she's single again, or should I forget it for good? And if you are trapped as a friend in a relationship which will never satisfy you, how can you escape without having the 'I still have feelings for you' bust-up that must come with such a declaration? I'm prepared to cut her out if needs be (I am not going to stay in hung-up limbo forever) but how can you tell when that's necessary? And how do you deal with her wanting to remain friends, or repress that urge to call her when you would have done so before? Any help much appreciated.

[norajane]

However, recently I've been feeling as if I'm taken for granted and kinda like an old toy - when she's low or bored she may call or text, but she never tries to organise a meet-up in person

I think that's your answer. She sees you as a back up when she needs a lift to her ego.

 

I wouldn't recommend hanging around for this. If you can be friends with her without having feelings, fine. But it doesn't sound like you can, so cut it off.

 

You don't have to have a big conversation about it. Just don't call her, and don't reply to all her calls and texts. Let it drift off. When she sees you aren't stroking her ego anymore, she'll drift off.

 

I think it's important to do this, because as long as you're holding this torch for her, it's going to be hard for you to fall for someone else.

 

As for getting out of the friends zone once you're in, well, I have to ask, why bother? Don't you want someone who's crazy about you all on her own instead of someone you have to coax to see you as a man instead of an old toy?