I used to adore H, now I’m not attracted any more

[new_stella]

After a lot of struggle with my body image and the fact that my H finds other woman attractive (some more attractive than me), I seem to have settled down a bit. I accepted that I am ageing, I accepted that I look old (well, not SO old, but older than I would like to be:)).

 

My problem was with my H always looking at attractive women.

Now, I don’t feel that pain any more. I don’t look in the mirror and torture myself for not looking better.

 

Instead, I look at my H (he is a few years older) and I see an old man. I still look very good and (even though he is not that much older than me) people sometimes think he is my father.

 

What I used to feel before was that he somehow wasn’t ‘entitled’ to look at young hot women because he had a hot wife.

 

What I feel now is that he is actually an old man and him looking at those girls is almost disgusting. In fact, I pity him and all the other men that behave that way. I think to myself – you poor guys, you are so fascinated by something so superficial and irrelevant.

 

I don’t know if I can respect him any more.

I used to adore him. I was SO attracted to him! I thought he is the best looking guy in the world. I wanted to have sex all the time. Until I realised how he feels about other women.

 

And it this is all caused by his interest in other women!

 

His attraction to other women somehow made me much less attracted to him!

 

Anyone else feels this way?

Am I getting totally mad?

[norajane]

No, you aren't crazy.

 

In fact, I pity him

 

Yes, this has a way of killing attraction. I've found it to be true with men in my past. Not for the same reasons as you, but when I have enough objectivity to step back and really look at him and feel pity for who he is...the attraction goes away.

 

Attraction is partly admiration and respect, and a certain kind of pity can erode the admiration and respect, leaving you with just pity. (For example, you can pity someone for losing a loved one and their job at the same time, but you don't lose respect for them, and may even gain admiration by the way they handle it. But if you pity them for not having the common sense of a flea, then you've lost respect and admiration).

 

And in fact, I've given advice to people who have been dumped, that if they can find a way to pity their ex, it will truly ease the pain.

[Capricorn]

I agree, that's pathetic what he does! Your story reminds me of my mom and dad! Both my parents are fifty. Neiter drink or smoke so they do look good for their age but my mom could pass for 40 and looks better than some 40 yr olds!! My dad has put on some weight but he looks his age, 50. Anyway it's like my dad is blind cause he always looks at other women and doesn't appreciate my mom. I feel bad for you and my mom. You give your man years of love and dedication and all they do is obsess over younger and "better" looking women, well I guess what they consider better looking. I feel I have nothing to look forward to. I myself can relate, I'm 26 and been with my man for 4 years, the past few months he's been doing some shady ****, and I'm kinda loosing desire for him. I think it's a coping thing, it helps to deal with the hurt they cause us!! I used to think he was the most beautiful man in the world but now I look at him and I do still love him but he's not my dream man anymore, he's just a typical man that can't help himself!! God forbid they have to stare at one woman for the rest of their life!! Yeah I pity them too for how pathetic they are!!!

[East of Jupiter]

When I was much younger my boyfriend was drop dead gorgeous. So much so that I couldn't go anywhere without him getting hit on. This included gay men! (it's true, never date a man prettier than you) He was young also and at the beginning of the relationship, he looked. That just doesn't work for me. So ... I looked too. One time leaving a concert I saw a gorgeous man and boyfriend had to yank me to stop looking back. A lil bit of medicine and all that ... He stopped that PDQ! We were together five years.

 

I like the way you put it Nora. I have heard a variation -- when you feel treated right, all you see is your partner's attributes. If you are hurt or betrayed by your partner, all you see is their flaws.

 

New Stella -

 

Your story of your husband reminded me of a moment I had a few years back.

 

We were waiting outside of a busy restaurant one early evening for a long time. Not much to do but people watch. The thing about older women is that they do become invisible to older men. This can provide great opportuties for observation.

 

A group of highschoolers out for prom showed up. One of the lovely young women was wearing a gorgeous yellow skin tight full length dress. The material was so fine that you could clearly make out her thong underneath. As I panned out from that sight, I spotted the old man staring at this young woman without shame or guise, his wife a foot away. And I thought ... EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

 

For whatever reason men don't mature in this way. They go right on drooling even when the woman in question could very well be their great grandaughter. Most women (notice the most and not all) get to a age where they do not think it appropriate to drool over teenage boys. I would be one of those. I have teenage sons. Whenever I see a young boy (and yes, to me they are just boys), I just want to offer him some mac & cheese and a napkin.

 

 

I'm glad you are feeling better about your self image. But what now? What happens if you fall out of love with your husband? This would be my fear.

[Cad Rake]

I think to myself – you poor guys, you are so fascinated by something so superficial and irrelevant.

 

Ask Darwin if a beautiful female body is "superficial and irrelevant."

[popey]

I understand where you are coming from. What if you told him about this, and he said that he honestly was just looking as if he would look at a magazine, and it was with admiration/appreciation but not desire. And you believed this. And then you told him that the looking produced negative feelings for you.

 

If he apologized and then stopped. Do you think your feelings would change?

[Cad Rake]

That's the most convoluted set of facts I've ever seen. If he said

it was with admiration/appreciation but not desire

he'd be lying. Men look at beautiful women. They start when they're about 12 and stop when they're about dead. Having a "heart to heart" talk with them will not stop it, because 3.5 billion years of evolution are screaming in his ear to check out the new hot chick.

 

If you don't like it, tough. Mother nature doesn't care if it's "fair" to you. He wants to impregnate as many beautiful young women as he can. If all he does is look, consider yourself lucky.

[Capricorn]

That's the most convoluted set of facts I've ever seen. If he said he'd be lying. Men look at beautiful women. They start when they're about 12 and stop when they're about dead. Having a "heart to heart" talk with them will not stop it, because 3.5 billion years of evolution are screaming in his ear to check out the new hot chick.

 

If you don't like it, tough. Mother nature doesn't care if it's "fair" to you. He wants to impregnate as many beautiful young women as he can. If all he does is look, consider yourself lucky.

 

Grow up and learn to control yourself. If you can't control yourself, you and the rest of men, then don't claim your in love and can be faithful. Do us a favor,stay single!

[Woggle]

If men stop looking than we are dead. Women need to realize it is not about them and stop taking it personally.

[Cad Rake]

Do us a favor,stay single!

 

That would be doing women a favor wouldn't it? But men aren't out to do favors, they're out to sleep with as many beautiful women as they can. Remember that.

[Capricorn]

Your hilarious! Yeah and all women just want men with money. Remember were all material girls!

[East of Jupiter]

Ask Darwin if a beautiful female body is "superficial and irrelevant."

 

 

LOL

 

I doubt Mr. Darwin is in any position to do anything even if he did agree.

[East of Jupiter]

Your hilarious! Yeah and all women just want men with money. Remember were all material girls!

 

Well if the man in question is an old goat .... yes!

 

Maybe (and I had not thought of this before), some men's self-image doesnt mature. They don't' see themselves for the old men that they become and can continue to entertain the idea that the hot chick at the strip club he is practically putting through college $20 at a time, really is into him.

 

[East of Jupiter]

If men stop looking than we are dead. Women need to realize it is not about them and stop taking it personally.

 

To many women, it is a matter of respect. And I don't think this is an issue exclusive to men looking.

 

Many men feel just as disrespected when their woman looks at others.

 

Women look! LOL!

[marty]

does it not depend on ones own self confidence and security in a relationship.

 

if it bothers you , your in the wrong relationship. its all a matter of trust and respect. from both sides.

 

my opinion only.

[East of Jupiter]

Grow up and learn to control yourself. If you can't control yourself, you and the rest of men, then don't claim your in love and can be faithful. Do us a favor,stay single!

 

The funny thing is that this is the attitude of many men. And they disrespect, use and abuse women using that same old tired excuse "my damaged chromosome." (XY is just an XX with a penis instead of two legs) It's a yoke people!

 

Let's see ... thousands of years of men trying to get away with this and thousands of years of it backfiring on them.

 

We are not animals. We may be close, but we are not the same. Humans are one of two mammals on earth that have sex for pleasure. (anyone know which is the other mamal?)

 

Not everything Darwin says is fact, they are theories.

 

To believe that men's sexuality is like animals, one has to accept that animals are like men. They are not. Ever see a squirrel take the trash out in hopes of getting lucky later that night?

[popey]

Marty, I think that the individual's self confidence is certainly a factor, but not the end all. While I have my share of insecurities, I am confident that I am a desirable woman, truly. This fact doesn't at all release me from the desire to not have a man I'm with want to ogle over another. I think I have 3 reasons.... in ascending order of importance:

 

1. its classless

2. its disrespectful to me

3. If I am into someone I"m with, I don't feel overwhelmed with desire to stare at, or whatever else- an attractive young man when I see one. Therefor it is not the nicest feeling to not have such completeness reciprocated.

 

And yes, I understand that if a man does not reciprocate this feeling, it may be that he just is not wired that way (as probably many or most men are not) and he can't help that. Therefor the best you can ask of them is to reasonable behave in accordance with 1 and 2 please.

 

New_Stella, I sure do hope you and H are able to resolve this. Sure does suck to have so much seemingly compromised over something that really isn't among the most violative things. And I'd say there is probably a very good chance that if you talked to him and a calm, productive and not-so-accusing way; you may find that his interest in staring and in the women is not as important to him as you feel.

[Cad Rake]

thousands of years of men trying to get away with this and thousands of years of it backfiring on them.

 

Um, try billions of years.. and it doesn't always backfire.

 

Humans are animals. Very complex ones for sure, but animals nonetheless.

[Woggle]

To many women, it is a matter of respect. And I don't think this is an issue exclusive to men looking.

 

Many men feel just as disrespected when their woman looks at others.

 

Women look! LOL!

 

I know women will look and as long as they don't touch it is no biggie. Even finding women attractive is demonized by feminists in our society these days.

[Lostgurl]

If men stop looking than we are dead. Women need to realize it is not about them and stop taking it personally.

 

Well, the least these men can do, is be conscientious of their partner's feelings and keep their eyes and mouths to themselves while their SO's are around. I find it very disrespectful when men hoot and holler at women, or comment on them to their girlfriend/wife.

[Enema]

You guys put wayyyyy too much thought into this. There are no hidden meanings, comparisons with their wives, designs to cheat etc...

 

It looks good, so men look.

 

Full stop, we do the same with cars ffs.

[East of Jupiter]

I know women will look and as long as they don't touch it is no biggie. Even finding women attractive is demonized by feminists in our society these days.

 

What I can agree with you here is that this works for you. Not all men are the same and not all women can just look and not touch. I can, just don't let me drink too much. I'm a saucy drunk!

 

I'm puzzled by your many references to "feminist." Do you know a lot of them? Would you describe your wife this way?

 

I wonder if I'm a feminist? I can pee standing up. Does that count?

 

Probably not. I still wash my husband's boxers. Hell, I fold them too! To feminists, I think this makes me something else... domesticated? Is that the term? Any feminist out there that could help me out?

 

Now you have me wondering about feminists. LOL!

 

Question: what is the opposite of a feminist?

 

You might be a feminist if ....

 

1. If you don't like your man checking out other women.

[East of Jupiter]

Um, try billions of years.. and it doesn't always backfire.

 

Humans are animals. Very complex ones for sure, but animals nonetheless.

 

 

You're only 33 bubby... give it time. Its a simple law of averages and the unfortunate human condition called aging. Oh youth and all its encantations. Wait until your scrotum is competing with your knees for space -- slim pickins my friend, slim pickins.

 

Let's not call it a backfire ... lmbo! How about we call it a "Snow Ball's Chance"

 

See: Uncle Ned.

 

He likes to sit around with loose, Magum PI shorts exposing his babies. He thinks women get turned on by that. We don't have the heart to tell him they are not winking, just trying to get him to cover up.

 

But hey, he can still look!

[popey]

First, lets be clear if anyone's going to attack someone on accuracy- "men" have not been doing anything for "billions" of years. And if you are refering to "males" its been quite more than "billions"

 

Jupiter- a feminist is a person who believes in equality of the sexes. If folding your husband's boxer shorts is not the result of your belief that you should do so because you are less than his equal, then this fact has no bearing on wether you are or are not a feminist.

[new_stella]

Big thanks to everyone who replied! You made some really valid points here.

But I’m still confused

 

If men stop looking than we are dead.

O M G!! Are you serious? Is it really that important to men???

 

If you don't like it, tough. Mother nature doesn't care if it's "fair" to you. He wants to impregnate as many beautiful young women as he can. If all he does is look, consider yourself lucky.

 

But if he doesn’t impregnate many beautiful women – as most men don’t – what’s the advantage for Mother Nature?

According to your little theory, if a man doesn’t go into a mission to impregnate every woman he meets, it goes directly against Mother Nature and his instinct. Most men today only impregnate one, maybe two women. Are you saying that they are actually WINNING against the nature?

And if they can win on that level, why is it so impossible to win on another?

 

On the other hand, again if your theory is correct, women will in time change their attitude and will start to look for someone to only impregnate them - “Use them, spit them out …” or, better still - use them indefinitely as a continuous income stream…

 

When you think about it, one particular group of women figured that out long time ago, they developed a business out of using men. And funny enough, men just seem to adore them

 

Humans are animals. Very complex ones for sure, but animals nonetheless.

If that’s the case, then we better start treat them like animals!

(Sadly, this actually IS how I’ve been feeling lately – poor doggy, he just can't help himself)

See, I love my dog to bits, but I never let him in bed with me.

 

First, lets be clear if anyone's going to attack someone on accuracy- "men" have not been doing anything for "billions" of years. And if you are refering to "males" its been quite more than "billions"

 

BTW, if a woman who believes in equality of the sexes is considered to be a feminist, than at least 95% of women in a western society are feminists!

 

He likes to sit around with loose, Magum PI shorts exposing his babies. He thinks women get turned on by that. We don't have the heart to tell him they are not winking, just trying to get him to cover up.

 

But hey, he can still look!

:lmao:

This is a gem!

In a metaphorical sense of course, this applies for so many men.

I only they knew...