I used to adore H, now I’m not attracted any more

[Woggle]

I never meant to register and post, but after this, I simply had to.

 

Call me sick or whatever, but what happened to me is something completely opposite. Or similar. You decide.

 

During a few years of our marriage, my H would look at other women constantly and sometimes would comment them. I was young and, like many girls here, I thought that was ‘normal’. Everyone did it after all!

 

I didn’t like it, but I never mentioned it. I felt it’s like saying someone ‘I don’t like your big nose! Change it!’

 

I never said a word to him; I dealt with it every time on my own and tried to convince myself that wasn’t a big deal. For a while, it worked.

 

Fast forward a few years - I was getting older and my looks slightly deteriorated. Slightly, insignificantly even, but (like many women) I was sensitive to that.

 

On one hand I had men hitting on me all the time.

 

On the other hand I had him drooling over other women without a chance in hell to do them.

 

So I thought ‘You poor, poor horny man! You want them, but you can’t have them. Instead of looking at me, you want something better. Unlike you, I CAN have other men – very handsome, sexy men. They are practically begging me to have sex with them.’

 

And so I did!

 

I had an affair with another man, just in spite. To show him that someone wants ME, not all those passing strangers.

 

I didn’t really want that other man. I DID IT BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND, NOT BECAUSE OF MY OWN DESIRES.

 

The story, of course, doesn’t end there.

 

The other man actually falls in love with me. And the drama is been going on for years.

I feel like complete b*** with both of them.

 

After so many years and self hatred and confusion – I blame my H.

I he, so to say, ‘had eyes only for me’ when I was so deep in love with him, none of this would’ve happened. I'm sure of it.

 

I sought help for this, once I realised what’s going on.

I found some support groups, I had counselling.

I found out I wasn’t the only one and my reaction is not that unusual. Apparently, many people (especially women) react in a similar way.

 

Think I’m crazy, but that is my story.

Maybe it can help someone.

 

It is 100% your fault so don't blame your husband for your issues. He did what comes naturally to him as a man even though he would probably never actually cheat on you yet you tooo a step further and actually cheated on him. Don't try to blame him for this.

[Capricorn]

Yeah it really sucks being with a man you really only have eyes for. Meanwhile the man you only have eyes for has eyes for every woman on this planet. I can see how the hurt would drive a woman to cheat. Maybe women wouldn't cheat if their men gave them the attention they need and made them feel special. Everyone says all men look, it's natural, well when I'm single I look at attractive guys but when I'm in a relationship I appreciate the man I have not all the men I don't have!!! That whole men are visual is such a pathetic excuse! Learn to control yourself, all women have the same thing, learn to appreciate your wife/girlfriend instead of checking out everything else. Women are visual too and love the male body but most women are happy to just look at their own men and have no problem controlling their eyes. There's always some excuse to be a pervert. Basically men are hard to please and the best looking woman in the world wouldn't be good enough for them!!

[Woggle]

I know my wife checks out other men and it doesn't bother me in the least. We actually about men and women that we both find attractive and don't get angry at each other.

[totalbtch]

It is 100% your fault so don't blame your husband for your issues. He did what comes naturally to him as a man even though he would probably never actually cheat on you yet you tooo a step further and actually cheated on him. Don't try to blame him for this.

He did what comes naturally to him as a men and I did what comes to me naturally as a woman.

 

Threads with topic similar to this one are so regular on this (and other) boards that it can’t be accidentally.

Have you ever thought about it?

 

Some women even lie that they are OK with their SO’s behaviour while they are not. Some try to convince themselves that is normal.

Some are OK for some time and than start their passive aggressive resistance.

 

I bet that large percentage of sexless marriages has to do with the women’s (in the lack of better word) reluctance to stand up for what they really want (and desire).

 

Besides, you missed my point: I didn’t take anything one step further. There wasn’t a step before to be taken a step further.

I didn’t cheat on him because I wasn’t able to control myself; I cheated because I was hurt by his obvious attraction to so many other women. Simple as that.

 

I cheated because of resentment I felt, I cheated because I felt he’s not committed. I cheated out of spite, I cheated out of pain, I cheated not only to get back at him, but to get his attention, to show him other men appreciate me.

 

I’m not saying what I’ve done is right.

 

But I, sure as hell, would never cheat if it wasn’t for his behaviour (or for ‘what comes natural to him as a man’ as you said)

 

This is not excuse to you, to anyone, even to me.

I’m not even trying to make any excuses.

 

But what I know, Woggle, and what I have always known is that I‘ve loved him with all my heart and (as absurd as it may sound) I’ve never desired another man.

 

And to be honest, after all this, I don’t need a man who is so attracted to other women that has to control himself. If he is so attracted that he has to exercise self-control he might as well go and have sex with them.

 

If he has to go SC to ‘entertain’ himself, I let him go.

But he can’t expect to get home and find me all happy and ready to get sex.

 

And yes, I blame him for this, you may not, but I do.

[totalbtch]

I know my wife checks out other men and it doesn't bother me in the least. We actually about men and women that we both find attractive and don't get angry at each other.

 

You merely accept that your wife is doing what you are doing. And you can leave with that.

 

If she wanted to do something you don't do you would decide it is unacceptable and you wouldn’t be so understanding. Regardless of how much it means (or doesn’t mean) to her.

 

I’m telling you, cheating didn’t mean anything to me (and this is the truth) – does that mean that my H should feel better about it?

 

And let’s take it to the basics: if you were not attracted to others, you would not be tempted to cheat.

 

By going to SC, for example, you go to exclusively to feed your attraction to others.

You may not go and cheat with the strippers (for various reasons, mainly double standards and fear of deseases of course), but you would still make steps in that direction. Consciously.

[Woggle]

You are the one who cheated so you are to blame. It is as simple as that. I bet he is still as in love with you as he always was but you have convinced yourself in the head like many women do that he not fully commited to the marriage so that justifies everything you do. You got an idea in your head and you let it fester so much that you built this resentment over something your husband doesn't even know he is doing. If people stop looking they are dead.

 

I don't merely accept that my wife is doing what I am doing. We have a look but don't touch policy in our marriage and it works. I am not married to some neurotic nag who 2nd guesses everything I do so simply finding another person attractive does not create problems in our marriage. If she cheated that is another story but I don't cheat other so I don't hold her to any standards I am not willing to meet myself.

[totalbtch]

You are the one who cheated so you are to blame. It is as simple as that.

Your opinion, not mine.

Not everything is black and white.

In fact, nothing is.

 

I bet he is still as in love with you as he always was but you have convinced yourself in the head like many women do that he not fully commited to the marriage so that justifies everything you do.

Maybe he is.

But first of all, I'd like to say that you are ahead of most people. You realise that many women feel this way. So many men are oblivious to that fact.

It sounds like you are intellectually and emotionally capable of understanding women’s point of view.

 

You got an idea in your head and you let it fester so much that you built this resentment over something your husband doesn't even know he is doing.

Doesn’t even know he is doing?

Are you kidding me?

He talks about specific body parts of a certain women with his mates? (Unless he is a total idiot, he KNOWS exactly what he is doing – and when he is doing it)

He watches porn (it’s not me to puts the tape in or search the Internet)

He goes to SC (he doesn’t know what he is doing??)

 

it doesn’t justify what I am doing. I would

If people stop looking they are dead.

???????

No darl, they are not.

This may come as a surprise to you, but looking at some hot ass is not necessary to stay alive.

 

I don't merely accept that my wife is doing what I am doing. We have a look but don't touch policy in our marriage and it works.

As I said, if it works for you, I’m happy for you.

 

I am not married to some neurotic nag who 2nd guesses everything I do so simply finding another person attractive does not create problems in our marriage.

I will not take this as an insult and, again, will be happy for you. You’ve obviously found that middle ground and understanding.

 

It puzzles me a bit – what are you doing in this forum then?

[Woggle]

Many women do feel this way but it doesn't make them right. Many women just can't seem to get over the fact that men will be men no matter how much they try to turn us into women. When men are with our friends we talk about women and yes we talk about specific body parts. If women can't accept that part of our nature they need to stay single, become lesbians or find a man who has been successfuly neutered and we all know women quickly lose respect for men like that. It has nothting at all to do with you. It is how men bond with each other. You could look like Eva Longoria and this is still how he would bond with his friends.

[Krytellan]

Well I choose to believe my man is one of the 10% on the plant that loves his partner enough to not do those things.

 

I could be wrong, it was a while ago, but were you the one that was hurt for a month that your man went to a strip club? Seems rather contradictory if I'm thinking of the right person.

[totalbtch]

Many women do feel this way but it doesn't make them right.

I completely agree with that.

I certainly hope that you agree that the fact that many men feel certain way doesn’t make them right either.

 

Besides, who’s to decide what’s right what’s wrong? We have to work with how we (both) feel about it.

 

Many women just can't seem to get over the fact that men will be men no matter how much they try to turn us into women.

I just tried to tell you that no-one’s trying to turn you into a woman when I realised – you and I are very similar, just, sort of, opposite.

By asking us (women) to accept your standards and your values, aren’t you doing just that – trying to turn us into men?

 

When men are with our friends we talk about women and yes we talk about specific body parts. If women can't accept that part of our nature they need to stay single, become lesbians or find a man who has been successfuly neutered and we all know women quickly lose respect for men like that.

Maybe, … but that means that some men will stay single, become gay, or whatever…

 

It is how men bond with each other. You could look like Eva Longoria and this is still how he would bond with his friends.

You lost me here.

Can’t men bond without sexy women around them?

 

… and we all know women quickly lose respect for men like that. It has nothting at all to do with you. It is how men bond with each other. You could look like Eva Longoria and this is still how he would bond with his friends.

In my case (and in the case of OP) we lost respect for men who were ‘bonding’ in terms you glorify.

 

You could look like Eva Longoria and this is still how he would bond with his friends.

I know.

This is the root of the problem – no matter how I look, he will still look at someone else.

Even if his ‘bonding’ friends aren’t there.

 

Try to reverse that sentence to sound:

Many men just can't seem to get over the fact that women will be women no matter how much they try to turn us into men

[whichwayisup]

It's all about choices. SO WHAT if you hurt his feelings by telling him it makes you sick that he is drooling over other women. You're an adult, you're his wife and you chose NOT to communicate something SO big with him! You allowed that to ruin you, to build up resentment...You could have chosen to talk to him and go to marriage counselling! But, you didn't. Now you have TWO men who you've hurt and it all could have been avoided to begin with if you and your husband had talked.

[totalbtch]

It's all about choices. SO WHAT if you hurt his feelings by telling him it makes you sick that he is drooling over other women. You're an adult, you're his wife and you chose NOT to communicate something SO big with him! You allowed that to ruin you, to build up resentment...You could have chosen to talk to him and go to marriage counselling! But, you didn't. Now you have TWO men who you've hurt and it all could have been avoided to begin with if you and your husband had talked.

It's all about choices. SO WHAT if you hurt his feelings by telling him it makes you sick that he is drooling over other women. You're an adult, you're his wife and you chose NOT to communicate something SO big with him! You allowed that to ruin you, to build up resentment...You could have chosen to talk to him and go to marriage counselling! But, you didn't. Now you have TWO men who you've hurt and it all could have been avoided to begin with if you and your husband had talked.

True.

 

This was my mistake - exactly.

But what happens with women come here asking for advice?

They were told to shut up and put up with that.

To ‘fake it until you make it’ – which will lead to exactly same thing.

If anything, this is what prompted me to post.

[whichwayisup]

But what happens with women come here asking for advice?

They were told to shut up and put up with that.

To ‘fake it until you make it’ – which will lead to exactly same thing.

If anything, this is what prompted me to post.

 

Huh? I've NEVER told ANYONE that type of advice. To suck it up and shut-up. COMMUNICATION is sooo important!

[totalbtch]

Huh? I've NEVER told ANYONE that type of advice. To suck it up and shut-up. COMMUNICATION is sooo important!

 

Again – not you personally.

But if you check responses to many posts, it looks like the geneal answer is – if you vocalise your problems and try to communicate, you deserve to be lied to - your expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic and you deserve to be lied to.

[Woggle]

I am not saying for women to suck it up but too many women are trying to change a dog into a cat and they would save themselves a whole lot of drama if they realized thata dog will be a dog.

[totalbtch]

I am not saying for women to suck it up but too many women are trying to change a dog into a cat and they would save themselves a whole lot of drama if they realized thata dog will be a dog.

How is that different to changing a cat into a dog?

 

One could say a dog could save a whole lot of drama if they realised that a cat will be a cat.

[Woggle]

Most men realize women's annoying quirks and we put up with them but women keep trying to nag every bit of maleness out of men. My wife though is more like a German Shepard in a skirt. Tough as nails but will be loyal to the end if you treat her right.

[totalbtch]

Most men realize women's annoying quirks and we put up with them but women keep trying to nag every bit of maleness out of men. My wife though is more like a German Shepard in a skirt. Tough as nails but will be loyal to the end if you treat her right.

 

I wasn’t talking about annoying quirks. Everyone has them, both men and women.

 

Besides, I never nag (and I mean NEVER) – instead, I went out and cheated.

 

I was talking about something that was important to me.

I personally, couldn’t be in R with the man who would die if he stopped looking.

 

You know, your opinion is quite similar to mine, just opposite.

 

And you did the same thing that you’re telling me is wrong: You married a woman that is as much a man as a woman can be.

 

You don’t like women very much, do you?

[Capricorn]

If men are truely as shallow as you guys are saying that is really sad! Sounds like drooling over other female body parts is the most important thing in your life, not your own womans feelings. Why can't you men realize there are more important things in life than some random sluts body parts. The sick thing is these women you are staring at really have nothing your own wife or girlfriend can't give you.

[Woggle]

Women are just as shallow if not more but in different ways.

[rainfall]

I could be wrong, it was a while ago, but were you the one that was hurt for a month that your man went to a strip club? Seems rather contradictory if I'm thinking of the right person.

 

Nope. When we first started dating long before I posted here he went to one strip club. However since then I have let him know that I view that as a deal breaker and he has not been back since.

[rainfall]

Women are just as shallow if not more but in different ways.

 

What ways are these?

[Woggle]

You don’t like women very much, do you?

 

I don't think highly of most women but I make exceptions for women that prove themselves.

[Capricorn]

Yes there are many shallow women but that are the kind men like! For example say you have 2 women. Woman #1 could be a playboy centerfold but is a stuck up snob, no talents and totally self centered high matience bitch. Woman #2 is pretty but not what the average male drools over, she has natural beauty,no fake boobs but she is very sweet,caring,giving,intelligent, and very talented:either plays an instrument,great cook,fashion designer etc. We all know men are gonna want woman #1. My point is men are the more shallow cause they will prefer a woman for her looks even if she has no other good qualities! For me a man or people in general are more physically beautiful if they are beautiful on the inside and a nice person that can see beyond their own nose!

[Woggle]

Yes there are many shallow women but that are the kind men like!

 

No man worth having wants a shallow woman. My wife is anything but shallow and it is one of the things that attracted me to her. If all a woman has is just looks I just play with her for a while and throw her back but a woman has to have some depth in order for me to make any effort into making a relationship work with her. The worst women though are the ones who think they are smart but are really quite dumb. They are pseudo intellectuals who think they are sophicticated and they do have booksmartts but know nothing about life. I would rather have an honest and upfront bimbo because at least then I would know what I am getting.