Controlling illogical thoughts...

[AriaIncognito]

How do you go about controlling your own illogical thoughts? Thoughts like "i'll never love again" or "nobody will ever want me" or things of that nature that you've told yourself before and certainly have gone on to realize weren't true. I know I've thought these things after other breakups, but well, I guess you forget how to ward it off.

 

Is it simply letting yourself feel that way and you'll climb out, or is it a particular thing you need to constantly try to push out?

 

I guess I'm just feeling down today.

[Balalaika]

At least you've gone on to realise they aren't true. First step down!.

 

Second step is never finishing a negative statement. Reverse it immediately (& watch wonders happen). Catch yourself mid thought with something like "nobody will ever want me" and change it to something like "I'm the most amazing person I'll ever know".

 

Your thoughts are like a well worn bike path.... it's comfortable and safe to go down a familiar road, even if it's not getting you anywhere.

 

So yes, you need to work daily on creating a new path in your mind lined with bright, shiny new thoughts (and accompanying feelings). It's like going on a mental diet. Until that new path has become your second nature, in times of stress you'll slip back into the groove of your old path. But that's ok. Gently catch yourself, tell yourself you choose not to hurt yourself by believing such rubbish and switch tracks again.

[h2ofrek]

I have been going through some pretty pathetic thoughts myself, just ask Gunny and Lakeside Dreamer. But I was reading a book on anger and the self talking that I have become accustomed to and it made one thing clear; I would never talk to a friend, much less my best friend the way I talk to myself.

So today, I had an "ah-ha" moment that was quite exhilerating (sp?). I need to be my own best friend! I thought about all of the ways that I talked myself into needing other peoples' acceptance and approval to combat the things that I would say to myself and even then it was never enough. So I made a decision to be my best friend.

If I am getting down on myself, it is because I am not being a good friend to myself. All of those things that I used to imagine others' thinking about me were not what I am allowing to hear anymore. I only listen to what a best friend would tell me.

If I start doubting myself, my best friend will tell me it's OK to be afraid, just have the courage to insist that I am the better than letting fear stand in the way of doing what is right.

It takes a little bit of effort, but I am fighting against 38 years of self doubt and all the stinking thinking that goes along with not facing my abusive mother's control over my own thoughts.

Sorry this is so long, but I am so excited about finally meeting a friend and I hope it helps you find your own.

Big props to Gunny and LSD, Hoo-Yah!

[kirikat]

You know... there is a specific meditation you can do... but its sort of involved. I have to say, it really works.

 

Take a look at this book: Core Transformations by Connierae Andreas.

 

The theory is this: we are many people inside.... parts of us get broken off through trauma or whatever, and often those others are running the show... beyond our concious control

 

Example - have you ever said "I need to lose some weight" - and then you find yourself at the refrigerator anyway? Or heard yourself saying I wanted to get some excersize, but "a part of me" wanted to stay in bed.

 

If you can find this part of yourself that is so afraid of never being loved, you can be sure that she has a positive intention for you, and you can work with this part that is telling you these bad things....

 

This stuff is kind of deep, and I recommend you look at Andreas and go ahead and google shadow work....

 

But - I have to say, this work can be incredibly fast and transformative, without a whole lot of drama and pain.

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks you guys for the comments. You're all totally right. I know that I somehow need to learn to treat myself as I would treat someone else. It's tough. I've got those hard core "you're fat. you're ugly. she's prettier" etc tapes that go through my head. Tough to retape those after so many years, but I know it's possible. Just takes work. I just wonder when we as people finally get pushed to the point where we are willing to put the work into ourselves that we put into other people.

 

If I put half the time and energy into myself that I put into, say, thinking about lost love, I'd be at my goal weight by now. It's weird how our priorities get so out of whack. Instead of being social and active, i've been antisocial and sitting at home on my couch alone. I know it's not good for me. Today I'm making myself go out with some friends to the boardwalk where I'll play games and have some fun. Hopefully we'll have lots of laughs. Going to this particular place always puts me into a weird state because I used to go there with family as a child, so memories always flood back.

 

Anyway, thanks for writing, and if anyone else has any input, please feel free!

[Trialbyfire]

I've learned that hopeless thoughts and self-flagellation does no good. If you feel you need to change something within yourself, make a conscious effort to do so. Otherwise, accept yourself, including being honest about the good and the bad within you.

[MagnoliaJane]

Aria,

 

Whenever I am in the "nobody loves me" mood, I sit myself down and ask myself why I think like that. It's not easy and it involves answers I'd rather not want to know. The good thing is that it teaches you something about yourself.

 

Is it somehow comfortable for you to think that "nobody will love you again"? This way you can safely keep yourself where you are right now.

 

Exercise: next week, do something else, step outside of Ariawoman for a change (easier said than done, I know...).

 

When will you and tp be in Tha City for Karaoke?

 

Hugs

[AriaIncognito]

I dont know when we'll be in the city for it, but we'll be in northern NJ on 9/1 for it if you're interested ;-)

 

Otherwise, I'm still auditioning for bands, so we'll see where that goes. Cross your fingers, I've got one monday. I just went to check them out tonight and I'd really like to get the position with them.

 

I know I should step outside of myself. I know I should exercise or do something positive towards my goals instead of sitting around drinking coke lol. It's just so much easier to sit around! ;-)

[MagnoliaJane]

Aria, sure I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you on Mondays! Go girl, go!

 

Try not to worry too much about relationships for now... Think about it like this: your ex will most likely be doing to the next girl what he did to you. Be happy you don't have to go through that again!!!!!!

 

I am slowly starting to find myself again - singing in the bathroom among others, dancing on my own in the living room on my CDs too and and guess what: I'm thrilled about it. My ex couldn't be bothered by music....

 

How easy is it to get to Northern NJ by public transportation (always my main obstacle!?!)...

 

-MJ

[Teacher's Pet]

I know I should step outside of myself.

 

Ya know, my adorable songstress.....

 

You should try stepping outside of yourself.

 

When you do, turn around, take a good look, and see the beautiful woman you really are.

 

If you see yourself anywhere close to the way I (and I'm sure others) see you, you might just get wood.

 

Not that I get wood around ya or anything.... I'm just a typical horny guy... but I know what cute is!

 

-tp

did I just say that?

[AriaIncognito]

Ya know, my adorable songstress.....

 

You should try stepping outside of yourself.

 

When you do, turn around, take a good look, and see the beautiful woman you really are.

 

If you see yourself anywhere close to the way I (and I'm sure others) see you, you might just get wood.

 

Not that I get wood around ya or anything.... I'm just a typical horny guy... but I know what cute is!

 

-tp

did I just say that?

 

Hahahaha. That was funny.

 

However...

 

If i was the type that gave men wood all over the world, why aren't any of them asking me out? lol. I think I'm attractive to a select few. Most can't see past a size 6. Since you have to add like, 10 to that number to get to my size..well, you know. lol

[Teacher's Pet]

I dont know when we'll be in the city for it, but we'll be in northern NJ on 9/1 for it if you're interested ;-)

 

I say it's time we take the tp/Ariawoman show back to NYC, what do you think?

 

We could be bigger than Steve And Edie!

 

Or Sigfried And Roy!

 

Or Ben And Jerry!

 

You get the idea. I say we try planning another NYC karaoke night, and beg you-know-who to fly on up for it (hope she's reading this!)

 

-tp

Steve to her Edie

[AriaIncognito]

Try not to worry too much about relationships for now... Think about it like this: your ex will most likely be doing to the next girl what he did to you. Be happy you don't have to go through that again!!!!!!

 

How easy is it to get to Northern NJ by public transportation (always my main obstacle!?!)...

 

-MJ

 

You're right. He will more than likely pull the same stuff on his current that he pulled on me. But I guess theres that "what if he doesn't" thought in my head. The "what if I just wasn't enough" stuff. Which is dumb, because I have written proof that he did to me what he did to the girl before me. Our only common factors were we were both women and both not of his same religion. Maybe it'll work out with his current J-girl. I don't know. I'm gonna be a b*tch and say I hope it doesn't, because I want him to be half as sad as he's made me all this time. However karma never seems to work that way for my exes.

 

As for public transport, I'd assume you'd have to take the PATH to newark and have someone get ya. Thats the only thing that runs late enough, in my opinion...

[Teacher's Pet]

Hahahaha. That was funny.

 

However...

 

If i was the type that gave men wood all over the world, why aren't any of them asking me out? lol. I think I'm attractive to a select few. Most can't see past a size 6. Since you have to add like, 10 to that number to get to my size..well, you know. lol

 

I'm sure there's a guy in deepest, darkest Africa waiting for you... j/k

 

But it IS easy to see past a size 6. They are so skinny, you can almost see THROUGH them!

 

I just don't understand the big deal over "skinny" women. Personally, I like something soft to push up against at 2 in the morning... if I wanted to push up on something more "solid", I could hump my headboard (kids, please don't try this at home )

 

You aren't the "skinny waif" model type, Ariawoman, but you are VERY attractive, you dress well, and you carry yourself with a lot of class. You are bright, have an amazing smile, and most importantly... you are a great friend.

 

The RIGHT guy will "see past the size 6" and see how big you are in the right place.... your heart.

 

Ok, and your lips. hubba hubba.

 

-tp

i'll cover you!

[AriaIncognito]

I say it's time we take the tp/Ariawoman show back to NYC, what do you think?

 

We could be bigger than Steve And Edie!

 

Or Sigfried And Roy!

 

Or Ben And Jerry!

 

You get the idea. I say we try planning another NYC karaoke night, and beg you-know-who to fly on up for it (hope she's reading this!)

 

-tp

Steve to her Edie

 

We could plan one but then i'd want a guarantee that MJ would show up, cuz well, I need not trek into the city to go to karaoke lol.

[Teacher's Pet]

Maybe it'll work out with his current J-girl. I don't know. I'm gonna be a b*tch and say I hope it doesn't, because I want him to be half as sad as he's made me all this time. However karma never seems to work that way for my exes.

 

Don't feel bad.

 

I'd love to see B's new man on "To Catch A Predator".

 

-tp

but she'd probably dig that.

[AriaIncognito]

I'm sure there's a guy in deepest, darkest Africa waiting for you... j/k

 

 

Ok, and your lips. hubba hubba.

 

-tp

i'll cover you!

 

That guy from africa has emailed me on myspace. he always wants me to marry him like, tomorrow. He's too pushy.

 

And you meant my boobs didn't you. HAHA.

 

-aw

They're real and they're fantastic

[Teacher's Pet]

We could plan one but then i'd want a guarantee that MJ would show up, cuz well, I need not trek into the city to go to karaoke lol.

 

Ok..

 

MJ...

 

Promise us you'll join us in NYC for karaoke, and we'll plan something fun.

 

Of course, it would be neat for more "locals" from LS to come, too!

 

I'm sure we could get some of our friends to come out, too.

 

Besides, that place is the only place that has my favorite Adam Sandler song.....

 

-tp

now take that shampoo bottle....... ouch

[MagnoliaJane]

We could plan one but then i'd want a guarantee that MJ would show up, cuz well, I need not trek into the city to go to karaoke lol.

 

 

Aria, you have my word that I show up if you come over here! Name place and time, I'll even call in sick to work if I have to

 

-MJ

[Teacher's Pet]

That guy from africa has emailed me on myspace. he always wants me to marry him like, tomorrow. He's too pushy.

 

And you meant my boobs didn't you. HAHA.

 

-aw

They're real and they're fantastic

 

Actually, yes...

 

You do have a fantastic rack, but remember...

 

...I'm a leg man.

 

-tp

needs another tall chick with long legs and loose morals.

[MagnoliaJane]

Is there a songlist available so that I can already start practicing?

[AriaIncognito]

Is there a songlist available so that I can already start practicing?

 

Actually I think they might have something on the site but I dont remember. We went to 2nd on 2nd last time....

[Teacher's Pet]

Is there a songlist available so that I can already start practicing?

 

Check your PM's.

 

 

I'm good for any Saturday or Sunday (I'll call out of my 2nd job lol) after September 8th (I have 2 parties and a dentist appointment coming up)

 

And yes, I'd LOVE for this to be some sort of LS event, if we can get people to come out of hiding.

 

-tp

let's get the party started!

[MagnoliaJane]

Great! Gonna check it out! I'll PM you with my contact info.

 

Now I'm gonna have a late lunch. Aria, keep the morals high, and focus on you, while you're getting emotionally prepared for your next relationship that will inevitable come along at some point you might as well take some "you time".

 

Here's to singlehood. Yeah!

[Teacher's Pet]

Here's to singlehood. Yeah!

 

Yeah!! What she said!

 

-tp

pass the lube and the porn...and the ice cream