my mum sais she wont take my 3yr old daughter out again

[emmaUK]

my mum is a christian... a little bit too strict if you ask me as i just feel like i cant talk to her about anything becuase she always sais she doesnt want to know if its in the slightest bit worldy or un-christian etc. its got to the point now where i dont say much to her at all when i see her coz i dont feel there is any point. whenever i ask her for advice abotu something she just tells me to turn to the lord etc.

it drives me and my older sister NUTS.

 

anyway latest problem...

 

my daughter is 3 but very intelligent for her age and alot of people are often suprised when i say she is only 3 as they think she is about 4-5.

she asks a hell of alot of questions and remembers every tiny little thing she hears or is told.

 

i often have a shower with daughter and a few weeks back she asked me if she would get hairs on her front bottom (we calll it pumpum) when she is older... i said "yes" and that was that.

 

anyway my mum had my daughter and she brings her back later on saying "you daughter has been telling me she will have a hairy pumpum when she is older" she was talkign to me as if i was offering the info to my daughter and trying to corrupt her.

 

anyway anotehr time i had some sanitary towels on the windowsill in my bedroom and my daughter asked what they were i told her they are sanitary towels and its something all ladies have to use... she asked "why do they use them" so i said "all ladies have something called a period and we use them during that" my daugther asked "will i get a period" so i said "yes".

 

my mum had my daughter overnight other day and when she dropped her home she said "i dont know if i want to take her out again coz when i was getting her dressed she told me that she would get a period when she is older, i dont want to take her somewhere and she starts telling other people things like that" its not as if she told my mum to f-off or anything ..i cant see what is wrong with answering my daughters questions truthfully.

 

anyway my mum sent me an email yesterday saying......

 

A parents duty is to protect the innocence of their children and the only way to do this is for the parent to be discreet in all personal matters especially the functions of the body. If they are so natural you should not need to talk about them.. Carmel is too young to understand these things anyway so there is no point in making her aware. As far as speaking the truth to her it would be better if you concentrated on her behaviour and love and respect and honesty and cleanliness and all the things that are so important for her to be able to have good relationships with others as she gets older.

 

WTF!!!!!!

 

do u think my mum is going way over the top???? is it so wrong i answer my childs questions .. i never offer her info on things like that, but if she asks then is it really that wrong to tell her the truth

[sb129]

I don't think its wrong to tell her the truth, but you should probably accompany this with saying something like

"but we don't talk about periods or pumpums in public, because its not polite" or something like that.

 

If she asks a question and you lie about it, then you just have to undo the lie later.

 

I can see where your mum is coming from though, and I guess she is worried as kids do seem to grow up so much faster these days. She seems to be suggesting that you are volunteering the information though, rather than answering a naturally inquisitive childs questions.

 

Tough situation. Your mum should respect the way you decide to bring up your child, as long as she is healthy, happy and cared for. However, she is your mum, and you owe her a certain amount of respect for her opinions on childrearing, after all, she raised you.

 

Did she raise you before she became Christian or was it part of your upbringing as well?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Your mother isn't concerned about the innocence of your daughter - well, not directly anyway. She is more concerned about using that to manipulate you and try to force you to parent in a way that she deems 'acceptable'. As for her advice, well she sounds like a product of her environment and isn't likely to change any time soon.

 

I would love to say that she means well, and I'm sure that she thinks she does mean well - but when it comes right down to it, she is still trying to parent you and use your own child against you in order to do that.

 

You are doing right by your child. It does not sound like you are telling her anything except age appropriate truths about her body. When the time comes and she hits puberty, she will be glad that she had a mother who was open and honest about her body and did not treat the female body and its processes as something shameful, dirty or 'to be hidden'. It is good to let your daughter know that there is a right time and place to discuss these things, and there is a difference between privacy and secrecy.

 

my mum had my daughter overnight other day and when she dropped her home she said "i dont know if i want to take her out again coz when i was getting her dressed she told me that she would get a period when she is older, i dont want to take her somewhere and she starts telling other people things like that"

 

I would simply and cheerfully (and keep the sarcasm 100% out of your voice) call her bluff. If she is saying "I don't know if I want to take her out again" simply say "ok" and stop the visits. If she wants to visit, she is more than welcome to come to your house.

 

As for the email, I wouldn't bother responding. She isn't going to change her mind, and no amount of stating your case is going to make any bit of a difference. Delete it, and simply refuse to mention it. If it comes up in conversation change the subject, or gently remind her that you will continue to do what is best for your child, regardless of what advice she gives.

[emmaUK]

no she wasnt always christian.. we lived a normal life till i was 6 n then she got involved in this very strict religeous cult for 6 years and i had everything i had always known taken away from me (pop music, television, movies, kids parties, girly things such as make up/jewelry etc, and basicalyl everything wordly and materialstic.......... and i was made to go to a stupid amount of services... 2 on a sunday morning and 1 on sunday evening,,, tuesday and thursday evenings and once a month on a saturday we would go to 2. i felt like an abnormal freak at school coz i was so different from everyone else and couldnt really join in and talk about the things the other girls were talking about (tv programs, pop bands etc)

then she came out of that when i was 12 and i had everythin worldy thrown back at me n i rebelled big time.

she was goign to a normal pentecostal church for a year or 2 after that n then stopped all together and went off the rails herself for about 5 years (drinking, dating diff guys and even a woman, trying cannabis, wild drunken nights out with girls from work).

then she got in contact with a friend from the pentecostal church n started to go to church again and over the last 6-7 years she has just got stricter and stricter again n alot harder to talk to.

[emmaUK]

my sister said that she is trying to manipulate me by saying that actually.

my mum does try to manipulate and use guilt trips ... she doesnt realsie that she does it though... i have told her she uses guilt trips to try n get things how she wants but she gets well defensive and annoyed.

[Cerise]

You are NOT wronge!!! IMO I have three kids and I have always answered them the way you do, my mom always answered my questions they way you do, and I beleive it teaches kids to not be ashamed of their bodys and what happens to them.

 

I can remeber my mom telling me that her mom never told her anything and when she got her period she had know idea what was going on and it was scary, and when she went to her mom she told her it was her peirod and handed her some pads, my mom was 15 and had no idea what so ever what it was about.

 

I belive knowlage is a powerful thing and I also belive in many ways you protect them by informing them, yes kids need to keep there inocence for as long as possible but there are many ways of doing that with out causing more harm and I don't see anything in hiding 'natrual' things from them that helps them. The more they know the more they can make informed desicions and and that last thing you want is your child thinking that these normal things that happen are secrets or 'bad'.

 

I belive that when a child is ready for information they will ask and not before, you answer point blank with just enough information to make sence and leave it at that (as you have been doing) if they want more information they'll ask, if not than leave it at that. Then it is in your childs control of when they learn and how much they learn and they do so when they are ready, if there not ready they don't ask!

 

Your mother is afriad of peoples perceptions IMO she is afraid of how she will look if your daughter says somthing in public, and instead of blaming your parenting she needs to take a look at her own insecurties.

 

Keep up the great parenting

[nittygritty]

Christianity has nothing to do with your Mom's uptight attitude.

 

What your daughter said was innocent and to most grandparents it would have been a cute grandkid story. I think you should just chalk it up to your Mom's hang up and not let what your Mom said to you make you feel bad.

 

I like what sb129 said about explaining to your daughter that "we don't talk about periods or pumpums in public, because its not polite". However, if you think that saying something like that to her will make her talk about it more then don't. When it comes to your daughter, you know best.

[Trialbyfire]

You're doing great on explaining age-appropriate bodily functions to your daughter. She shouldn't be raised to be ashamed of her body and all that it entails to be a woman.

 

The suggestion from sb is a good one, that you add the "not for public consumption" addendum. Also LBs suggestions about calling your mother's bluff, are good ones.

 

I might also be a little concerned about what your mother is teaching your child, as well. It would be sad to see your mother affecting the healthy manner in which a child views their body.

[Lishy]

You are doingt the right thing with your daughter.

 

If her nan wont take her out then its her loss not your daughters!

 

Carry on the good work

[PoshPrincess]

do u think my mum is going way over the top???? is it so wrong i answer my childs questions .. i never offer her info on things like that, but if she asks then is it really that wrong to tell her the truth

 

Emma, I think you are dealing with things in exactly the right way. I totally agree that you should be honest with your children. I think you are telling her just enough without giving her information overload. Aside from this, your Mum should respect the way you bring up your daughter and abide by that when she is looking after her. I have a 3 year old son who is also quite bright. He has noticed that we have different bits and pieces - "Mummy has a minnie", "I have a willy", etc and also that grown-ups are different from children. I haven't had any other questions - although I daresay it's only a matter of time - but when I do I shall answer them as honestly, yet simply as possible. I think the younger they are to learn about these sorts of things the less 'weird' they will find it all. Young children take everything in but take it all in their stride so I really don't think it's anything to worry about.

 

Your Mum's religion obviously dictates right from wrong, but who's to say what IS right from wrong anyway? Unless you are abusing your children or doing something illegal then your Mum really shouldn't interfere. I am sure she does mean well but the way you bring your daughter up is your decision.

 

Stick to your guns on this and explain to your Mum your reasons for doing what you are doing. As you say, it's not as if you volunteer the information. Your daughter is asking a question and you're giving an honest answer, and we all know that kids just go on and on until they get that answer anyway!

 

Best of luck!

[emmaUK]

thanks everyone. next time something liek this gets brought up i will explain a few of the points made in this thread.

somethign was mentiond other day and i told her that i dont want her to grow up being ashamed of her body etc. nothings been said since so we will see