the other woman manifesto

[Tomcat33]

Oh man, I posted way too early when I said he couldn't be called a cakeman. Tom, I thought he was over and done with his marriage. Asking you for six more months is not a good sign. What on earth is he waiting for? Six more months to do what?

 

.

 

Well just to be clear we are done, yeah? BUT the guy still seeks me out, he sends me emails he has tried to contact me via fake profiles online etc. and there are other ways I cannot disclose here because I cant get into a lot more info/deets about my situation. SO he is still seeking me out one way or another, and this weekend he emialed me to tell me that he is messed up that he still misses me to please meet him for a coffe (of cours I DID NOT)that he is still very much inlove with me but and that he has never felt a loss like this in his entire life, he feels he made a mistake the same that nothing has changed at home (As if I asked for updates!?!? LOL) then he proceeds to tell me that he is going to try to focus solely on his M but that in 6 months if he feels the same way he will contact me to see what's what. He said he still doesn't know what will happen with his marriage because he is not able to fully focus because he is still very much hung up on me and in so much pain for having lost me, the usual he is going though the motions puts on an act BLAAAAHHH BLAAAAAH. same old crap they all say. Anyway in his head in 6 mths we will reconveine and see where our hearts are at and he will see if he can finally terminate the marrige then. HE THINKS I'll be wating around for his decision that's how out to lunc he is. YOUR guess is as good as mine as far as what he is waiting for.

[Tomcat33]

Wait on second thought, and in addition to my last post I have an idea what might be going though this guy's head and that is he might be waiting either for his W to do the dirty work for him and tell him she wants a D or he is waiting for the marriage to just dissolve on its own so that he does not have to do the confronting. Either way if that is anything remotely true to what he is doing I am so utterly turned off by such cowardice and can thankfully see things with a very clear view now that I am myself again, that it would take a miracle from god for me to find him attractive again. I find spinelessnes and pushover "fly away whichever direction the wind is blowing" types extremely unnapealing. There is a part of me that is still inlove with the idea of who I thought he was but seeing all his different ugly phacets has helped me immmensely to stop pining over the real him.

[Cobra_X30]

I figured you'd get it ......... eventually .........

 

You know what they say about slow and steady!

[RealityCheck]

Well now, I go away and work-out and come back to some fine discussion!

 

Hulalulah!!!! A very informative read. :bunny::bunny:

[GreenEyedLady]

I apologize for not clicking on your name and reading all of your backstory, but I don't have that kind of time.

 

I just assumed that any woman who found out she was duped by a liar into getting involved with him would tell him to hit the road when the truth came out.

 

The whole relationship is based on a lie, from the very start.

 

First, if you've been reading this thread, you'd already know the answer to that question, you don't have to read my history...

 

I mean, do we assume that as soon as woman finds out her H has been lying to her and having sex with another woman drops him right away? According to your logic she would tell him to hit the road when the truth comes out...

 

So I guess you know where ass-u-ming gets you...

 

As for the rest of your post, who cares what you think? I'm happy and I bet that really ticks you off...

[Cliche]

So you're saying you go out in public with MM and he introduces you as his girlfriend? You're saying his friends and family (including his wife) knows how important you are to him and that he's in a relationship with you? He gives you the same acknowledgment and prominence in his life that he gives his wife?

 

Yes, yes, no, yes sort of and yes. His wife has known he has a girlfriend since May. I don't know if she knows how important I am to him, but I don't really think that level of information is necessary. I think what is important is that their divorce be as amicable as possible and rubbing me in her face may not be the best way to accomplish that. But for all the other questions, yes, definitely.

 

If that is the case, then I stand corrected and you are getting the respect you deserve. I don't really consider you an "other women" though, more of a girlfriend whose boyfriend is in an open marriage.

It's not an open marriage, but an ending marriage with both of them aware of that fact. And yes, he has told me since the day I found out about his W that I am not the other woman, but the only woman. And it has taken me some time, but I, too, consider myself his very beloved girlfriend, not his OW>

[Cliche]

To kill an Affair publicize and scrutinize it.

Absolutely.

 

Everyone here talks about D-day, but I think this is really the point. And, just as important as D-Day (and maybe moreso), this also lets an OP know the MM's choice.

 

While we're on the subject of OWs and respect...when I found out about my MM's M/living arrangements, after a few days and some discussion, I told him I loved him but I refused to be an OW. I told him that while I would respect the reasons why he wouldn't want to tell his W about me (though she knows now, she didn't then), I would not be a secret. His family would know me, his friends would know me, He would be part of my family's life, we wouldn't avoid places, I would get his attention and physical presence on holidays and special days, I would never cover up for him, etc. And that's the way it has been. He accepted every single demand I made about the R. So yeah, I guess that was when the A was no longer an A, but an R.

 

I don't think any of this shows a lack of self-respect or a lack of his respect for me.

[mental_traveller]

17. Please leave your wife and kids for me

 

18. Please don't expect me to contribute to the child support, alimony, or legal fees for the divorce

 

19. Please tell your friends to stop referring to me as "that woman"

 

20. Please don't find a new OW to cheat on me with once we are together

 

21. Please God can you make pigs fly

[Cliche]

I apologize for not clicking on your name and reading all of your backstory, but I don't have that kind of time.

 

I just assumed that any woman who found out she was duped by a liar into getting involved with him would tell him to hit the road when the truth came out.

 

The whole relationship is based on a lie, from the very start.

 

Please forgive me if I have the wrong poster, but didn't you accept your husband after he lied to you? Should I assume that you should have left when you were duped by a liar? Or should I understand that when people feel they truly love and care for one another, they may agree to try to work on things in their own way?

[Cliche]

What's the point of having a ckae if you can't eat it? Isn't that what cake is for? If I had a cake, I'd eat it.

 

We need a new analogy.

 

Lol....so true, so true.

[NoIDidn't]

It never fails to amaze me how many people fail to understand that saying. You can't have cake after you eat it. At that point you had cake. Google it. Maybe then you will understand.

 

Its been said it used to be said the other way around, as in "Its like eating your cake, and (still) having it too".

 

But I digress.

[Tomcat33]

It never fails to amaze me how many people fail to understand that saying. You can't have cake after you eat it. At that point you had cake. Google it. Maybe then you will understand.

 

Its been said it used to be said the other way around, as in "Its like eating your cake, and (still) having it too".

 

But I digress.

 

They get it! I think you just forgot to laugh.

 

It's a stupid exression nonetheless who doesn't want to still have their cake after they eat it, I always want seconds....LOL

[annabelle75]

They get it! I think you just forgot to laugh.

 

It's a stupid exression nonetheless who doesn't want to still have their cake after they eat it, I always want seconds....LOL

 

maybe we just need a bigger cake

[woe_is_me]

I am so utterly turned off by such cowardice and can thankfully see things with a very clear view now that I am myself again, that it would take a miracle from god for me to find him attractive again. I find spinelessnes and pushover "fly away whichever direction the wind is blowing" types extremely unnapealing. There is a part of me that is still inlove with the idea of who I thought he was but seeing all his different ugly phacets has helped me immmensely to stop pining over the real him.

 

i am SO where you're at TC

 

the other day i was remembering how awful it was every time he left to go home..nothing worse and that alone will stop me from EVER seeing him again...

[Tomcat33]

maybe we just need a bigger cake

 

 

:laugh:yaaaaa! especially if it's an icecream cake I NEVER want it to end mmmmmmmmm...time for bed before I commit a sin my waist will regret!

 

the other day i was remembering how awful it was every time he left to go home..nothing worse and that alone will stop me from EVER seeing him again...

 

Woe that's sort of good, no? It's a bitter sweet good but better to see it for what it is than to fantasize about what it's not. I find I can really see things for what they are now too.

[woe_is_me]

[quote=Tomcat33;1295206

 

Woe that's sort of good, no? It's a bitter sweet good but better to see it for what it is than to fantasize about what it's not. I find I can really see things for what they are now too.

 

It's very good..! I wasn't complanining or pining..just remembering all the horrid emotions that an A is made up of.. niters TC

[Tomcat33]

It's very good..! I wasn't complanining or pining..just remembering all the horrid emotions that an A is made up of.. niters TC

 

oh no no, I understood you were not pining or complaining. just after I wrote "that's good" I thought it wouldn't read right what I was trying to say...basically not that it was good that you rememberd ugly feelings but that you could see them as an enlightenment to stop your pain.

nite nite WIM;)

[LucreziaBorgia]

And that's the way it has been. He accepted every single demand I made about the R. So yeah, I guess that was when the A was no longer an A, but an R.

 

Does he still live with his wife? When will their divorce be final? Is his wife letting go and working with him on the divorce process?

 

Involving an OW into your life when you have NO intention of divorcing and live your life like a regular married couple with your wife is disrespectful. Your guy sounds like he is divorcing, does not live a regular married life with his wife, and is living a regular life with you while tying up loose ends.

[Herzen]

When does an Affair tip over into a Non-Affair Relationship (NAR)? Where's the tipping point?

 

Is it after the MM tells his wife? After he tells his wife and announces he's moving out of the marital home? Is it after he physically (as opposed to emotionally)leaves his family?

 

Is there some statute of limitations? For example, the A tips over into a NAR 2 years post-separation.

 

Is it after divorce papers are filed? Or after the divorce decree is entered?

 

In my view, marital cohabitation and secrecy are hallmarks of an Affair. When the MM physically leaves and announces his relationship with the OW to the BS, there's no longer an "Affair."

 

What is it, then? Simply the end of a settled life.

[Impudent Oyster]

In all honesty I don't feel bad for him, I feel sort of bad for his STUPID and she IS stupid, W who thinks she still has a chance with this man when he is still tied up to me in one way or another. He keeps lying to her and is doing the EXACT same things he was doing under her nose when I first met him.

 

Did it ever occur to you that he may be an excellent liar? Are you positive that she knows he's "tied to you" (how does that work, btw, how exactly is he "tied to you"?) It's stupid to have hope that the person you married and probably still love will reconcile with you? It happens every day. Every day MM get kicked out, go to the OW then have some kind of an epiphany and go crawling home, begging their wives forgiveness.

 

And I feel sorry for her (and I don't....because she is a grown woman) but because he is still hanging on I feel bad that she might think she is having a "Fair" chance @ recovering their marriage because how much of a fair chance is he giving her is he is breaking every rule still.

 

Don't feel sorry for her, feel sorry for him. He's a confused, selfish, child who doesn't know what he wants only that he can't be alone. He sounds like a loser with a capitol "L".

[Tomcat33]

Did it ever occur to you that he may be an excellent liar? Are you positive that she knows he's "tied to you" (how does that work, btw, how exactly is he "tied to you"?) It's stupid to have hope that the person you married and probably still love will reconcile with you? It happens every day. Every day MM get kicked out, go to the OW then have some kind of an epiphany and go crawling home, begging their wives forgiveness.

 

 

 

Don't feel sorry for her, feel sorry for him. He's a confused, selfish, child who doesn't know what he wants only that he can't be alone. He sounds like a loser with a capitol "L".

 

 

Yeah, that's why she's stupid. I'll give you the chronology of the lies and explain why I think she is stupid or just wanting to play blind?

 

D-day 1 - We were dating she had us follow he gets caught. He moves back home to work on the marriage with her dumps her a month later again.

She crack into his email reads ALL of our emails and sees everything that has EVER been said via email between he and I he can't hide his feelings if he wants to A YEAR'S worth of love letters and sex letters and plans for the future you name it ALL for her to see.

She begs him to come back home. I saw her emails. She even threatened to kill hereself, was there when he took the call.

 

D-day 2 - He then needs time out to be on his own, we break up he moves back home to be with her he (unbeknownst to me I think he is really on his own to clear his head) proceeds to stay in contact with me at this point since I think he is just on his own. I sense he is pulling away but eventually he insists on having to see me he lies to get me to see him making me think he is still on his own calls me from his place not hers. I see him find out he has moved back in with her for two months now, I call her up tell her he came to see me. She -shocked that A - came to see me tell me he stll loves me etc. B - EVEN MORE shocked he has been in contact with me the whole time he's moved back home.

 

3. After D-day 2 I think he will finally leave me alone, he crates fake profiles online, contacts me on MSN, we even chat on MSN for a whole afternoon a monthw after d-day, he follows me around to certain online networking sites, posts profiles up so does she, join date is there CLEARLY he is following me around not the other way around. Calls me from blocked #s at night 10:30 at night etc. serveral occasions during week days. He follows me around on the net I have ways of knwoing I work for a site he frequents and can be tracked. Other things I cannot get into here because it is TMI and I don't wish to disclose certain details but does a number of other VERY public things you would have to be blind and retarded not to know your H was up to no good. THEN he has about 4 different email accounts he sends me periodic emails from, remember she already cracked into his email once, now what why does she not check up on him now 5 months post D-day? The guy is still constantly cruising the net for me, and all under his Ws nose in their house because he works from home.

 

Bottom line, she is STUPID. Not because she can't catch him lying, but because she actually believes he will stop, given all the things he has already proved he is acting the EXACT same way he was when I first met him and she was out of town all the time. This time she is not I think she works from home as well these days, or last I heard.

 

I feel sorry for both of them, Bleeechhhhh! She's dumb and he's a pathological liar.

[lonelybird]

Yeah, that's why she's stupid. I'll give you the chronology of the lies and explain why I think she is stupid or just wanting to play blind?

 

I feel sorry for both of them, Bleeechhhhh! She's dumb and he's a pathological liar.

then can you explain why in the first place you fall for him?

[Cobra_X30]

Bottom line, she is STUPID. Not because she can't catch him lying, but because she actually believes he will stop, given all the things he has already proved he is acting the EXACT same way he was when I first met him and she was out of town all the time. This time she is not I think she works from home as well these days, or last I heard.

 

I feel sorry for both of them, Bleeechhhhh! She's dumb and he's a pathological liar.

 

I think stupid is perhaps a misnomer in this situation. I cant know her reasons, but it sounds to me as though she has some major issues concerning her self worth. She probably feels its the best she can hope for... and the desire to believe him, despite incontrovertable evidence, is so strong because of that.

 

You have to realize that some poeple get so beat down in life that they cant see up. Like bieng stuck at the bottom of a well, and you cant find the rope. After time you stop looking for it, and you lose the strength to pull yourself up.

 

No, to say she is stupid... in a way puts yourself above her. I dont think your the kind of person to really think that. You should have empathy for her! I know your not as catty as your avie!

[Impudent Oyster]

Yeah, that's why she's stupid. I'll give you the chronology of the lies and explain why I think she is stupid or just wanting to play blind?

 

Bottom line, she is STUPID. Not because she can't catch him lying, but because she actually believes he will stop, given all the things he has already proved he is acting the EXACT same way he was when I first met him and she was out of town all the time. This time she is not I think she works from home as well these days, or last I heard.

 

I feel sorry for both of them, Bleeechhhhh! She's dumb and he's a pathological liar.

 

She may be naive, or not good at playing detective or just eternally hopeful, but what's your excuse?

 

How dare you call her stupid, dumb, etc. while you willingly dated a known cheat. What does that make YOU?

 

You know what, the more I read your posts the more I realize why MM won't commit to you. I think her husband will come to realize just what qualities his wife has and if he's lucky, she'll still give him another chance. Not that he deserves it.

[RealityCheck]

I think stupid is perhaps a misnomer in this situation. I cant know her reasons, but it sounds to me as though she has some major issues concerning her self worth. She probably feels its the best she can hope for... and the desire to believe him, despite incontrovertable evidence, is so strong because of that.

 

You have to realize that some poeple get so beat down in life that they cant see up. Like bieng stuck at the bottom of a well, and you cant find the rope. After time you stop looking for it, and you lose the strength to pull yourself up.

 

No, to say she is stupid... in a way puts yourself above her. I dont think your the kind of person to really think that. You should have empathy for her! I know your not as catty as your avie!

 

Well said Cobra! I agree!

 

TC, not to worry we know your were probably craving that ice cream cake and never got any so it triggered a harmone and the word "stupid" came to mind.:D:D