the other woman manifesto

[SanDiegoGuy]

MM says: "I love you and I want to be with you"

 

OW hears: "I'm ready to leave my marriage" ~ NOPE

 

What comes out of MM's mouth is not a statement of intent, but what he'd like, what he'd want. Wanting and doing are two completely different things.

 

Amen, sister! I'm the OM involved with a MW,and believe me.....I'm living it!

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL you are SO NOT alone on this one. Let's face it here is man who is willing to risk everything to be with you, the way I saw it was he either thought what he had was not all that worth risking or he thought I was worth losing what he already had. No matter how I looked at it, I NEVER felt like I was less for settling for attention. My goodness if there is one thing that was NOT a part of my equation was the notion that I was settling for attention, it all came naturally and at a very high price to him. How much more special can someone make you feel?

 

I look at it that way too...

 

And our R is an actual R...not some seedy roll in the hay, that is so often portrayed...And I don't feel like I'm settling...How can it be settling when both partners are having their needs met by each other?

[Tomcat33]

I look at it that way too...

 

And our R is an actual R...not some seedy roll in the hay, that is so often portrayed...And I don't feel like I'm settling...How can it be settling when both partners are having their needs met by each other?

 

That's just it, the needs being met. Look in my situation I saw more of my guy in the almost year we were together than he and his W did in the last two years of their marriage because she was out of town on work travels all the time. There are married couples that see each other two or one week out of the month because they have work commitments that take them out of town, etc. Some couples that work 9-5 that see each other at home every day spend less tha 10 hrs a month in quality time together, needs get lost in rels. ALL the time. I never felt my needs were not met, and believe me I was not settling for less./ In fac I was the one who needed space some days if it were up to him we would have been together 24/7 Bottom line is the Harlequin Romance A that happens for 10mins in the powder room at Opera where both couples happen to attend is NOT the reality for some As. A is just the label given to those rels. that are clandstine, but they are 100% relationships.

 

I dunnow maybe our situations are the exception GEL. What do you think?

[silktricks]

So glad to know that I am not alone in thinking this...

 

Just to let you know my opinion - not that it matters - but I've never thought that OW think they are lowly/worthless. I believe that most feel as you and TC feel, that "Some of us think we are so special that we could make a man change the entire course of his life for us."

 

That is in my opinion the core of an OW. I've never known an OW who felt that she is "less than". Every one I've ever known (and I've know a number) has felt that she is a super special woman who is worth more than any other woman. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be pretty hard to listen to when you are the BW. :rolleyes:

[PoshPrincess]

GEL you are SO NOT alone on this one. Let's face it here is man who is willing to risk everything to be with you, the way I saw it was he either thought what he had was not all that worth risking or he thought I was worth losing what he already had. No matter how I looked at it, I NEVER felt like I was less for settling for attention. My goodness if there is one thing that was NOT a part of my equation was the notion that I was settling for attention, it all came naturally and at a very high price to him. How much more special can someone make you feel?

 

That's EXACTLY how my MM made me feel.........until after DDay!

[frannie]

I'm not sure how an OW can expect a MM to respect her. The very nature of the relationship is disrespectful to the OW. There is an ugly, practical side to the MM/OW relationship - you have to think about what it takes to get it started and keep it going. By even approaching her while being married, he is letting her know that she is:

 

1. The type of person who sleeps with married people. The OW must disregard and have no respect for marriage.

 

2. A person who seems like the sort who will help him lie and cheat. The OW must lie and help MM lie to cover the relationship in order to keep it going.

 

3. A sneaky person who is willing to hurt and backstab in order to get what she wants. The OW must be willing to disregard the pain of another person, and in fact be willing to destroy her life in order to continue her relationship with MM.

 

4. A person who thinks so little of herself that she will settle for being the one he cheats with, not the one he lives his legit life with. The OW, in order to keep MM must know her place and never attempt to make more of it.

 

If the OW doesn't fit the above criteria, the MM/OW relationship will fail. Now, in rare occasions, the MM/OW relationship fails - but does so in OW's favor. The MM/OW relationship ends and becomes a divorced guy/only woman relationship, but counting on that is like counting on lottery winnings to fund your retirement and put your kids through college.

 

I guess it would be fair to say that within a completely disrespectful framework, the MM can at least respect the OW as much as can be expected in such a situation.

 

1. Not everyone categorises people into 'types' nor by implication considers one 'type' less than or more than the other. Your statements are very generalising and make plenty of assumptions, and that's just the first one . To say that an OW 'disregards and has no respect for' marriage is the second. Besides... you're talking about a man judging a woman for her disregard of marriage..? When he's cheating on his wife? Can we say hypocritical..?

 

2. I've never lied to cover his behaviour, nor would I. Furthermore he knows that I never would and accepts that is the case. So there goes another generalisation (and I'm sure I'm not alone in that one either). And isn't he himself the 'type of person who would cheat'..? Is that better or worse than being the 'type of person who would be with a cheat'..?

 

3. I neither disregard the (potential) pain of MM's W, nor do I 'destroy' my own life. My life is exceptionally good, and MM and I share plenty of time and friends, and all-in-all he's a real addition to my life that I'd be truly sorry to be without. However, the one doing the potential hurting (of his W, or his OW, or both) is none other than MM himself (once again). Since your list is about how little he respects his OW, then considering he's the one instigating all this potential hurt, then he must think pretty lowly of himself at this stage (by your reasoning, that is).

 

4. Here you compare 'settling' for being the one he cheats with, vs. being 'legit'. Well like Tomcat and I think GEL have said: I'd rather be the one he spends his happiest hours with, than the 'legit' one at home and in the dark. And that's not gloating, that's turning your statement round to reflect what's really going on, rather than the loaded way you expressed it. If MM is not respecting his OW in your opinion, how much respect is he showing his own wife..?

[GreenEyedLady]

I dunnow maybe our situations are the exception GEL. What do you think?

 

I think that there are a wide range of types of R's and that there are more than a few that are like ours...It depends on lots of factors like time to be together, feelings for the spouse, flexible hours, etc. And for the R's that are based on sex, there are those people who are perfectly happy with that and the ones that aren't just feel like they don't have a right/or say in their situation anyway...

 

But I am not one of those people...and I didn't even realize I was with a MM for quite awhile...so of course I expected more...

[GreenEyedLady]

Just to let you know my opinion - not that it matters - but I've never thought that OW think they are lowly/worthless. I believe that most feel as you and TC feel, that "Some of us think we are so special that we could make a man change the entire course of his life for us."

 

That is in my opinion the core of an OW. I've never known an OW who felt that she is "less than". Every one I've ever known (and I've know a number) has felt that she is a super special woman who is worth more than any other woman. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can be pretty hard to listen to when you are the BW. :rolleyes:

 

But I do not think that I am "more special" than any other woman...I just know that I am special and not some lower being at MM's beck and call...

 

I never meant to imply that I am better than someone else; I hate when other people do that...I meant simply that the bond that we share is one of a kind, that balances our needs and wants, is secure and one we can communicate without fear of what the other thinks...And due to the nature of our R, I know I'm special to him...He shows me that I'm important to him and worth it...

 

Now maybe it will work out, maybe not...but I enjoy what we have and to say it's special, is so trite; I can't come up with a word that actually describes it...

 

And I'm sure it can be hard for a BS to hear...which is why I try to stay out of the Infidelity section unless I really think I can help...

[Cobra_X30]

Now maybe it will work out, maybe not...but I enjoy what we have and to say it's special, is so trite; I can't come up with a word that actually describes it...

 

Convenient?

[luvmy2ns]

I look at it that way too...

 

And our R is an actual R...not some seedy roll in the hay, that is so often portrayed...And I don't feel like I'm settling...How can it be settling when both partners are having their needs met by each other?

 

Are you okay with sharing your guy though? I would hate that.

[Impudent Oyster]

The very nature of affairs...that they're hidden, that the relationship is kept secret, that OW can't call the MM any time and anywhere she feels like it, that MM goes home and sleeps with another women every night (and OW KNOWS it), that OW has no claim to MM's materialistic goods, has no rights or voice if he is injured or incapacitated, has no presence in his family's or friends eyes...doesn't that all imply that the OW is always "settling" and has no rights, status, creedence or importance in MM's life?

 

What is their worth, other than being at MM's beck and call?

 

Is getting a few "I love you's" and "you mean so much to me's" and "I miss you's" enough?

 

Not for me. Talk is cheap. When it's time for MM to respect and acknowledge you, that's when you'll know what your worth is.

[luvmy2ns]

The very nature of affairs...that they're hidden, that the relationship is kept secret, that OW can't call the MM any time and anywhere she feels like it, that MM goes home and sleeps with another women every night (and OW KNOWS it), that OW has no claim to MM's materialistic goods, has no rights or voice if he is injured or incapacitated, has no presence in his family's or friends eyes...doesn't that all imply that the OW is always "settling" and has no rights, status, creedence or importance in MM's life?

 

What is their worth, other than being at MM's beck and call?

 

Is getting a few "I love you's" and "you mean so much to me's" and "I miss you's" enough?

 

Not for me. Talk is cheap. When it's time for MM to respect and acknowledge you, that's when you'll know what your worth is.

 

IO, you are SO on the money!

[Tomcat33]

The very nature of affairs...that they're hidden, that the relationship is kept secret, that OW can't call the MM any time and anywhere she feels like it, that MM goes home and sleeps with another women every night (and OW KNOWS it), that OW has no claim to MM's materialistic goods, has no rights or voice if he is injured or incapacitated, has no presence in his family's or friends eyes...doesn't that all imply that the OW is always "settling" and has no rights, status, creedence or importance in MM's life?

 

What is their worth, other than being at MM's beck and call?

 

Is getting a few "I love you's" and "you mean so much to me's" and "I miss you's" enough?

 

Not for me. Talk is cheap. When it's time for MM to respect and acknowledge you, that's when you'll know what your worth is.

 

Well my man was at my beck and call, I called the shots in our rel. we did things my way or we didn't do them at all. Hence he moved out hence he waited for me to feel ok with starting to date him on a physical level, we met my family when I wanted it that way, and met his due to him practically telling me I HAD to and I was not even ready to meet his friends/family. We saw each other pretty much on my call.

 

I was never put off so that he could meet with his W, I was never not seen because he had to deal with things with his W. In fact while the EA had started he would sneak off into the bathroom or backyard to talk to me after she would arrive home and it sickened me that she would interrup our conversation to talk to him or say hello and he would act as if he were just talking to a friend and would carry on as if nothing. It would sicken me that she would call him to dinner or whatever and he wanted to keep talking to me or would continue to text message me well into the night, or call and he would act so nonchalantly. I put a stop to that very quickly, it felt gross, it felt completely unnatural and to be honest I did not want to know that side of him a side that was so weak wanting to be with me he would jeaopardize communicating with me right under his Ws nose. It was wrong on so many levels just as a woman to another woman, she deserved that much respect even if I didn't know her or they were having problems. Hence the decision on my part to part company. He understood I wanted no part of that and he came to look for me when hew as free to date.

 

I know in some respects I may have had an A with him if you will, but I NEVER felt like I was second to any of his life, he gave up a lot to pursue me, which lead me to believe he was very serious about us about his seperation. I went with it because of that. We always played by my rules.

[GreenEyedLady]

The very nature of affairs...that they're hidden, that the relationship is kept secret, that OW can't call the MM any time and anywhere she feels like it, that MM goes home and sleeps with another women every night (and OW KNOWS it), that OW has no claim to MM's materialistic goods, has no rights or voice if he is injured or incapacitated, has no presence in his family's or friends eyes...doesn't that all imply that the OW is always "settling" and has no rights, status, creedence or importance in MM's life?

 

What is their worth, other than being at MM's beck and call?

 

Is getting a few "I love you's" and "you mean so much to me's" and "I miss you's" enough?

 

Not for me. Talk is cheap. When it's time for MM to respect and acknowledge you, that's when you'll know what your worth is.

 

Well, well my favorite poster...

 

It is quite apparent that you speak in generalizations...and since I will never give TMI over this forum, you can just go right on spouting the nonsense that you're putting in your posts...

 

I, nor anyone else, needs to give you details of our R's...but i can tell you this: NOTHING in your post is even remotely true of my R...

 

And my worth is grounded in the fact that I am educated woman with my own children active in my community...My worth is not dependent of the view of any man or woman...It's grounded in what makes me ME...

[GreenEyedLady]

Are you okay with sharing your guy though? I would hate that.

 

Don't worry about us, there's no sharing honey...

[RealityCheck]

The very nature of affairs...that they're hidden, that the relationship is kept secret, that OW can't call the MM any time and anywhere she feels like it, that MM goes home and sleeps with another women every night (and OW KNOWS it), that OW has no claim to MM's materialistic goods, has no rights or voice if he is injured or incapacitated, has no presence in his family's or friends eyes...doesn't that all imply that the OW is always "settling" and has no rights, status, creedence or importance in MM's life?

 

What is their worth, other than being at MM's beck and call?

 

Is getting a few "I love you's" and "you mean so much to me's" and "I miss you's" enough?

 

Not for me. Talk is cheap. When it's time for MM to respect and acknowledge you, that's when you'll know what your worth is.

 

Yes the H hides it from his W.

No the H does not show RESPECT when he cheats on his W

Monetary claim....helloooooo and who's getting taken out for dinner while the wife is at home, and taken on trips, and given special gifts behind the W's back...that would be the OW

Beck and call.....that could be true is some cases but not many! Most OW have careers and lead very busy lives. I would venture to believe it would have to be a mutual call.

A few "I love you's".....okay well I guess you were the bug on that wall!

 

Generalization!

[GreenEyedLady]

Convenient?

 

I am not convenient nor compliant...

[Cobra_X30]

I dont remember mentioning compliant!

[GreenEyedLady]

I dont remember mentioning compliant!

 

You didn't...I was trying to beat you to the punch...

[Cobra_X30]

I know I didnt. You couldnt think of a word... so I supplied one for you. With a question mark.

[GreenEyedLady]

I know I didnt. You couldnt think of a word... so I supplied one for you. With a question mark.

 

Aww shucks, so sweet of you, thinking about poor little GEL with the limited vocabulary...

[RealityCheck]

Aww shucks, so sweet of you, thinking about poor little GEL with the limited vocabulary...

 

OMG!!!!! *spank* *spank*

 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Nice try Cobra, but she's a whip!

[Cobra_X30]

Aww shucks, so sweet of you, thinking about poor little GEL with the limited vocabulary...

 

LOL... I could say the same to you... however, that wasnt my point.

 

You were describing your R. I supplied a word you may otherwise not think of yourself. I dont view convenient as a positive or negative word in this situation... perhaps you do. If thats the case, I apologize no offense intended.

 

The question mark signifies the uncertainty (in this case whether the word fits).

 

Im not going to tell you what to think... I offer polite introspection. Take it or leave it.

[Cobra_X30]

OMG!!!!! *spank* *spank*

 

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Nice try Cobra, but she's a whip!

 

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!

[movinon05]

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit!

 

My My, another thing we have in common besides arachnophobia! Don'tcha just HATE sarcasm????? (And none of this has any bearing on anything anyone posted).